Sometimes my brain collapses in on itself and this is the best I can do. Blog
Hard time getting up this morning. Finally up. Get dressed and ready to go. I need to bring the expungement certificates to Cache County. I have been reluctant. I want to make sure that is the best thing to do, I want it gone completely, especially since the charges had been filed by "mistake" but they will still show up on background searches because teaching, what I do, and what I want to do, require higher security clearance so "it'll always show," I am told and, "you won't want to try and hide it," even after its expunged they tell me... I want to get it taken care of but how? I have tried but nobody seems to care that the prices of their "mistakes" have and continue to be so very high for me.
This is too much right now. Too many stressful and overwhelmingly emotional things to handled. These are the times when I really know and have to face the fact that I do, in fact, have a disability.
And this is what it looks like.
I have so much to do but I can't keep it all straight and it can easily become cognitively and/or emotionally overwhelming. I know when it has become cognitively and/or emotionally overwhelming because my heart changes it's patterns and functioning, I will feel a surge in chemistry, and I feel physically weak. I cry very easy and I become so very forgetful and tired. Sometimes so tired that I can hardly keep my eyes open... it becomes a battle to survive and thrive... then I feel guilty for being so weak. But it is not because it is intellectually difficult, it is because it is emotionally difficult and I am being treated poorly through it.
... it's all I can do to keep going...
Too much.
And my body is not allowing me to go today...
Jumping now.
Insurance papers form the car insurance; Explanation of Remittance. I'm not sure what they mean or what I am supposed to do with them. But in them there are notes from visits with my psychiatric PA. She documents "suicidal ideation" but that's not right because I'm not idealizing or contemplating it... It is more impulsive and intrusive... "Maybe I am misunderstanding the term ideation," I think.
So I look it up. "Ideation: the formation of ideas or concepts."
Okay, I suppose that is correct.
These hits that hit so hard and hurt so deep, coming from people who should know better -and even declare evidence of that on their own websites - actually causes, triggers, encourages, (or whatever) the "formation of ideas or concepts" that equate to ones ceasing to exist.
Why is that?
It's pretty obvious really: they are telling you and sending the message loud and clear that you don't matter and they don't care.
The not caring... We are supposed to think, "Whatever, who cares what you think," right? But in reality, when that comes from the exact people who should care, whose job it is to care, the ones who are supposed to be and that we believe are actively working to make a better more humane, fair and caring world... It cuts so much deeper than we allow it to...
Jump.
So many kids with anxiety issues. So much increase in depression, PTSD, suicide, and so many mental health issues...
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It's not terribly surprising now is it?
and all I wanted to do was help...
Story time: I got to hang out with an old friend. She is telling me about a brother's girlfriend's ex-husband who is the father of her child. "He has a criminal record that includes child abuse," friend explains as she expresses her concern and frustration with him being allowed, by the courts, to keep his child for longer than initial arrangements had allowed.
It makes me wonder and I ask, "was he prosecuted for child abuse or just charged with it?"
My friend doesn't know. It does not seem to matter all that much... and even I think so because we all know if he was charged for it then of course he did enough wrong to deserve the charges and he probably just had a good attorney...
"This," I point out, "is exactly what is wrong with my being wrongly charged. That is exactly what people will think about me."
"Your right," she says, "and that is totally unfair." She knows I'd never do what they accused me of and she thinks it is so stupid that anyone ever even thought I would put my kid up to what they accused me of... She knows, but we both know others, who don't know me, who may be looking to employ me or admit me into grad school, will not know and will automatically assume that I stalk and harass people just because I was once charged for it.
...so my heart breaks again seeing the reality of my plight...
and why I have to fight.
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