A Mathematical Mess

 I have a lot to say and am feeling better today but I am starting to tire again sooo let's see what comes out (and how!)

A few weeks ago my cousin told me more people need to talk openly about the issues I talk about (TBI, mental illness, abuses of power and systems, etc) and I agree but can you see why we do not?... You are often heavily punished for it. If you follow this blog you know of many very unethical and egregious ways I (and my family) have been punished for speaking up and speaking out and not just by individuals who don't understand - USU, Utah State University, specifically and shockingly their USU Psychology Department and USU Division of Student Services being some of the worst offenders of all. Speaking out from my position is very risky and I have now learned can be literally dangerous to yourself and your family. 

Later, at the same family event an aunt told me how much she admired me and how I always managed to maintain a positive attitude and outlook. She praised me highly in ways that significantly contradict the discrimination, attitudes, misconceptions, etc. that I have faced so frequently, like from those at Utah State University. But my aunts praise renewed my strength as it brought tears to my eyes. I was so grateful for the acknowledgment and appreciation. It was good to know that I am still me and I have not been destroyed by all of this and the degradation that I have faced so much...

*side note - a few things that make me seem positive in light of adversity are:

1. I tend to downplay. In-other-words I am not an over-exaggerator. This is partly due to observing over-exaggerating and stories that get bigger and better over the years and how they can create, increase and cause harm to people. With the most harm often befalling the exaggerator, although they usually don't know it. I used to be so concerned about not-exagerating that I was ridiculously and tediously meticulous about any experience I relayed. I'd make sure I fully disclosed if I was not 100% certain of a point, and I would consciously err on the side of downplaying in order to avoid any form of embellishing. Thus my relaying of traumatic events would not be nearly as traumatic as they actually were and that others may have felt or known them to be.

2. I try to stay positive and find the silver linings. I usually finds some and then I choose to focus on those or at very least make sure they are brought to light as well.

3. I appreciate others and I share that. I always try to find the good in others even if it is someone that has wronged me. I give credit where credit is due. It has been pointed out to me that, historically, I have been a bit too generous in giving of those credits...  I have learned "credit where credit is due," needs to go both ways: positive and negative.  I am getting better at giving credit where credit is due, both positively and negatively, and to myself as well.

There are others reasons, but this is enough for now, just as it was enough for me to know that the people who actually know me do not think of me or treat me in ways that are at all similar to how Utah State University people, Cache County Prosecuting Attorney, and miscellaneous others, including many within IHC, have treated me when I have tried to communicate with them.

That said, out of my head.  

Glad to have felt some extended support. 

Next on the list: Herniated Disk+TBI+Stress (some from of the above mentioned)=A Mess of a Body. 

Here are the steps to the equation broken down:

1. minor low back pain leads to

2. sciatic.  Causes

3. numbing foot. Then

4. worse-pain-ever extreme sciatic and foot more numb -So call teledoc (because it is Sunday) They prescribe a steroid and naproxen. Told to get in to someone

5. Meds help. Symptoms not gone, but they help. 

6. Try to get into orthopedist, physical therapist, neurologist, whomever can see me and that Google is telling me is the "best" for this... not much luck and week to weeks out. 

7. Finish steroid- next afternoon: tingles rapidly progress to chills, head ache, body aches, stiff neck, kind-of sore throat, uncontrollable shivering, rising fever, thirst, slight nausea, extreme fatigue, sensitivity to light. 

8. curl up on couch, lots of blankets, thermometer, water, not-well-lit room.

9. Call tell-a-doc. "Get in. Could be meningitis." 

10. Go to urgent care. Nice Urgent Care Dr. there is going on 13 hours. -Not surprised it's an IHC facility...yep, I'm jaded, not so positive, but you see I still give them chances, I still give the individuals there credit when credit is due- She has me do some neurological tests, i.e. finger tracking, "remember these words?""I'm good at these tests" I half joke. I do try to warn her that I'll manifest better than I am with head stuff, but I am a bit off so phrases aren't coming out quite right when its not a "test." She checks reflexes and stuff and does not think meningitis, -Good, my gut, although in pain, does not think so either so I trust it. Then she tests for strep, Covid, Flu, and RSV (all but strep are the same test). Strep is negative. They will contact us in about an hour about the Covid et all. results -but, Dr. says, I "should be asleep by then."-  Dr. prescribes a muscle relaxant and tells me to take that and the naproxen until I see Orthopedist on Wednesday. No blood draw, no urine sample. 

-I am tiring of this equation format so I am switching my writing style now.-

Sunday morning I can't wake up when I needed to but manage to get the thermometer in my mouth. I sleep with it for a bit, then manage to actually check it. No fever. Good. But I am too wiped out to get up. Send family. When up, I check again, no fever and I feel better. Results of the Covid/flu/RSV test, all negative. Good. We attend the Celebration of Life for my dear dying friend and mentor. An amazing turn out for an amazing teacher and person. 

After that we have a store stop we need to make. That is when I start getting cold again... Oh, no. Shivers start. My husband sends me to the car to get warm while they wait to check out. By the time I get to the vehicle (it's not actually a "car") I am shivering so violently and uncontrollably that it is making my back and muscles hurt and difficult to unlock the vehicle -It's is a remote entry btw. Once in, I crank heat and close my eyes. I focus on my breathing and the sensations in my body. I do what I can to "control" the excessive shivering and other pains and sensations. I do it by allowing myself to feel what is happening inside and breathing through it. I do it by not trying to control it, but by listening. It's probably a form of meditation. At home, I curl up in blankets, with water and a thermometer in a not-well-lit room. The fever is back and higher. I take the naproxen and the muscle relaxant as well as my usual evening drugs (Seroquel). I focus on feeling to distract the shivering. 

Next morning I feel terrible and our equation is complete = My body is a mess... I have symptoms that match: meningitis, peptic ulcers, diabetes, west nile virus, .... and a so many other things. 

..and there is so much more to this story it is taking longer than I'd planned to explain. So maybe it'll be continued tomorrow as I leave you with this cliffhanging word of caution: Many doctors are so concerned with COVID right now, and/or have so much added stress, they are forgetting that other problems exist AND that they still need to remember the whole picture so it is important to be your own advocate, trust your gut, ask questions, make requests, AND read ALL of your pharmacy prescription papers! Trust me on this one...

to be continued...