Wind Rivers

 "She's a fighter, so no matter how far you think she ran, she ran farther." 

It's a line (or proximate) from the movie wind river. I am watching and 30 minutes in I have already researched and read information about the true story that this movie was "inspired by" and I am already choking back tears. 

It is not inspired by one true story but thousands of heartbreaking and disturbing true stories of horrific abuses and murders of Native American women. 

But it is representative of so much more than that and that becomes obvious right off the bat when the FBI agent expresses her concern with the being able to do anything legally if the coroner does not label the death of the girl as a murder, something he legally can't do because the technical cause of death was due to her lungs bursting because she was running away from her abusers in negative degree weather. Now we see some of the incredibly stupid problems with our government institutions. How hands are tied of those who really want to help and politics, fear, and crony relationships prevent others from doing the "right thing" and/or holding each other accountable. 

Then we see some of the problems related to extreme poverty, generations of discriminatory practices, and intergenerational trauma. (Specifically suffered by the Native American's which is significant and atrocious). 

Many problems.

And yet our law enforcement agencies spend time and resources filing charges against innocent people who are the actual "victims." Our systems are messed up and perpetuating the discrimination is NOT the answer.

Which is why I cannot personally tolerate it. But unlike in the movies and just like so many women and vulnerable people, I am far too alone in my fight and there are no hero's standing up to the bad guys for us. Especially the bad guys in power and the bad guys within the "good guys." Or are they simply cowards inside of "good' old boys?"

Driven to fight because I know my situation is representative of atrocities far worse than mine. 

Zero tolerance. 

It's the only way to end these truly atrocious global epidemics that are far worse than any viruses. So, even if I have to take on the government and the whole world alone, I will keep fighting until I have made enough noise that my fight is heard and I become powerful enough to stand up for and fight for others. 

 "She's a fighter, so no matter how far you think she ran, she ran farther."

And for those who keep dismissing the discrimination and acting as if there is not sufficient evidence to prove it please stop lying to yourselves. A person being criminally charged because a professor does not like them and because they had zero representation in the investigation against them for a potential (and only potential) threat (not even a criminal act) that it was known the accused did not commit is a pretty obvious form of discrimination and bias. Especially when the accuser, who is a person in a position of power over the person they are accusing, and the police fabricate evidence and claim the person to be guilty based solely on their assumptions about specific traits of the person -like gender, race, or, as in my case, ADA qualifying disabilities.  No crime was investigated by Officer Christensen or any other police officer at USU, but they did talk a lot about my mental health and made some very inaccurate, libel, and slanderous accusations against me based on solely on made up stories by a person with a title and their own misconceptions, biases and fears and/or ignorance. It's textbook discrimination.  

Expunging the dishonest practices of Cache County Prosecuting Attorneys.

 Demoralizing and degrading. That is what it is and how it feels when I have to call and order and pay for, out of my own pocket, expungement certificates in order to expunge my records of the charges that were maliciously, dishonestly and even illegally filed against me by Cache County. 

It stirs emotions and anger is one of them. 

There are several names for this and one is "intentional infliction of emotional distress" and they are intentionally doing it to already vulnerable demographics of people. 

... and just like with just about every situation of abuse, you know you (and your kid) are never the only one.

Freaking dirt bags

Time to blog it out...

I am grateful that I am so much stronger now. I am immensely grateful that I have a good medical/psychological team that I have been able to turn to and rely on. And though I wish I didn't need it I am beyond grateful for modern medicine and how effective it has been for me. I am glad to be strong again. I am glad to be past and over so many things...

but I am still broken. My brain is broken and that is not repairable or reversible. I have made peace with it and I have found many strengths and silver linings from and through it. But that does not fix what cannot be fixed and it does not change the past and circumstances that never should have occurred that created many other delicate scars. 

and it is time to blog it out again. 

I am working on organizing all of the documents and crap associated with the medical and psychological malpracticing of me. There is a lot. I felt strong and confident going into the task... but that fades as I go and it very literally hurts again. 

It hurts to see and read all the mishandlings, mislabelings, and degradations of me by those in the medical industry that I loved, trusted and needed so much. As strong and confident as I am, it still pulls me down and I start to feel week, sad and tired again. 

I will have to take my time. I will have to pace myself. The giant tears that are now rolling down my face confirm this. They are tears that have not spilled like this for a decent amount of time now. So slow I will have to go, with many breaks, to manage organizing all the many messes that were made of me by IHC. 

This is my fight song.

 "So many things are so screwed up right now," says my new carpool companion, "but there is nothing we can do about it," she adds.

"I'm trying anyway," I respond.

And I am. 

And you know what? It feels really good to be trying to and to be standing up for myself and others. I am working hard to be the change I wish to see in the world. I will keep working to help change the misconceptions, stigmas, mistreatment, etc. of very vulnerable, underrepresented, and misrepresented demographics of people.

We deserve fair treatment, respect, and equal opportunities. We deserve appropriate medical care and representation. We deserve equal access to education and equal protection of government, laws and courts. 

And it feels so much better to fight for it than to accept the degradation, prejudices, unfair and unethical treatment, and discrimination. 

A Fighting Chance

 "I look forward to working with you on this matter," is how the attorney representing IHC closes her email to me. Is she patronizing?

-Left hand tremor especially prevalent, evidence of TBI misdiagnosis, that named parties dismissed and ignored- 

It makes me shaky inside and out as I know, from my experiences thus far, that this attorney is really saying, "I look forward to destroying you"

and she might just as well add, "while collecting every penny and then some that should be provided to as reparation for the careless and then malicious malpractice." 

Of course, me being me, I hope this is not so and I wish to give her the benefit of the doubt, but my insides know better 

and this attorney and her firm will make unknown times more than I finally asked IHC to refund me when it became evident that I could not trust the services I had paid them for and would need to pay significantly more to actually determine what really was going on with my brain that was the subject of their malpractice. 

That gut, that instinct, coming from my experiences with them, that is what makes me shaky and, yes, I'll admit it, a bit scared, because experience has taught me that she is going to come after me like a blood thirsty hyena with no regard for what is true, fair, just, or that will help me in anyway. My insides know she intends to contribute to and increase further harm caused by my ex-medical providers -that nearly cost me my life and caused many other forms of harm to me and my family. I do not want to assume, but I also know I need to be prepared both mentally and physically for the worst and I suspect she will be just as ruthless and possibly more so than those I am trying to stand up to. 

So why bother with proceeding, you may be asking? 

Because sometimes you have do what is hard because it is the right thing to do. It does not happen very often in life to be truly faced with the opportunity and/or responsibility to do the right thing, but when it does, you cannot escape it. 

I have learned that too. 

One way or another, you have to choose and if you choose to ignore it, avoid it, escape it, "just let it go" etc, it will eat at you like cancer, destroying you slowly until you either choose to stand up for yourself and/or what you know to be right or it destroys you and most, if not all, of what you care about. A cancer that will eventually take your life one way or another through death or by turning you into the cancer that you will then cause to spread to others in ways similar to how it was spread to you. So when you are faced with one of those rare opportunities to do the right thing you have to choose or decay and death will choose for you.  

This is also how you know when you are doing the right thing and if it really matters. 

And clearly I am not alone, or this law firm (that I have been warned intends to destroy me) would not be in business, especially considering just how stacked the laws are in favor of said medical providers. 

It's going to wear on me. It's going to take a toll and I know it. It's going to be harder than I know and I have been warned by other providers about how ruthless they will be... I have already experienced it.

But that is literally why I am fighting this. Causing harm, then hiding it, then deliberately trying to destroy a person to cover up mistakes you made that caused harm to that person is the exact opposite of fair/ethical treatment and justice that our systems are supposed to be offering and protecting. The form and level of bullying and dishonesty that is coming from our medical providers, educational institutions, and legal systems is egregious. The misrepresentation and unfair treatment of people like me is archaic and exhausting. It is exhausting to watch, it is exhausting to experience, and it is exhausting to see it ignored, excused, justified, dismissed, etc. again and again and again. 

It is also heartbreaking.

Which is where I end. Both literally and figuratively. 

This fight will eventually get the best of me and I know it. My heart will eventually fail me and I know it because I feel it. But that is also why I fight- it fails either way but at least fighting, I might just make a difference and help others along the way as well- and maybe, just maybe, they will listen and my heart will be spared, even saved. 

Or maybe it will be good strength training for my heart and I will build its strength up so well that I may live longer with a higher quality of life. 

Maybe, through this, I will strengthen it enough to be able to fight for others whose hearts are still broken and being broken.  Suicide is on the rise and it is no wonder why. We need stronger hearts and our systems that are supposed to be helping need to be fixed. 

So, Dear Attorney, I will not lie or patronize thus I admit, I do not look forward to working with you but I do look forward to working on this matter and I will offer the benefit of the doubt, hoping that your words are sincere instead of patronizing

-because TBI survivor lives matter, people with bipolar matter, patients matter, justice and fairness matter, honesty matters, ethical and fair treatment of all patients matters, mental health and protecting it matters,  and I matter too. 

Sincerely,

Me

At least, not without a Fight.

 So much to do in so little time. Statutes of limitations are rarely fair for the victim. 

There are many problems with our courts, laws, governing bodies, and people and institutions in power. 

Many.

What I don't like most about them right now is the effects it has on my physiology. 

The other day my husband told me that few people are genuinely brave and that I am one of those few people. 

It's not always true. I am not always strong enough to be brave. ...but overall, I suppose it is. 

How long bravery can hold is the real question. How many beatings can the boxer take before he cries out "in his anger and his shame 'I am leaving I am leaving...'" 

..."But the fighter 

Still remains..." 

and that's where I am at. The fighter knows what happened was as wrong as it can be and that the fight needs to be fought because of it. Not just for the sake of self....

It is very hard to be brave sometimes. It is very hard to know what to do and how to fight when the fight is not a straightforward clean fight...and sometimes you have to wait until you are physically and mentally strong enough to be brave again. Brave gets you nowhere when you are too week or too injured to withstand the blows of the offenders. 

It has been a very dirty fight, this has. Fraud used to cover misconduct. Which is why I know I have to settle this once and for all. I have to stand up for myself appropriately proportionate to the opposing levels of misconduct. I won't fight dirty like they have, but my conscience and body tells me I have to fight as much and as hard as I can because of how dirty they have fought me when there should not have been a fight at all; when the focus should have been on health and healing and improving knowledge and practices. 

I also fight because I have to accept the reality of the situations that brought me here. I have to accept the reality of what happened to me and my body and the misconduct and bad practices, ethics, values, morals, etc. that broke me so horribly and then kept breaking me, again and again and again, with reckless disregard, every time I asked for no fight, but understanding and fair treatment....

I am letting whatever comes out come out right now as my body is struggling to maintain the stability we have worked so hard for... 

I do not like, at all, the way my body now responds to stresses and circumstances.

I do not like how it responds to problems that need to be faced, addressed, and fixed. 

I do not like the toll it takes to face Goliaths and groomers...

"I do not do well with blurred boundaries," he says as he breaks and blurs his boundaries and then accuses me for it. 

"I do not have blurred boundaries," I say, "They just look different than others. But they are solid and I know it because I check them and test them, much the same way a rancher tests their fences."

And when a boundary is broken, they fix it... to protect their assets? Or is it for the safety and wellbeing of all parties? Because cows wandering on highways is very dangerous... 

Breaking boundaries, brains, hearts, and souls. Getting other people to go along with it. Going along with the instructions to do and/or increase the breaking. Fraudulently covering misconduct... That is when people need to be stopped. 

I wish it weren't so, but it is. and I won't be sit by when I know there are parties that wage wars on humanity and bravery because they are too cowardice to admit they made mistakes or so deviant that they manipulate others into playing their Nazi-esque games -Followers then following the leader where ever they may go without knowing why or simply because they fear what will happen to them if they take a stand themselves by saying, "stop, there is something not right happening here and I won't go along with it."

Systems are supposed to be in place to prevent this in our civilized world but they are NOT functioning as they should. 

Brave.  

The thing that bothers me the most is how so many people treat this like a game. This is not a game. I am not their toy to play with how they wish. My health and wellbeing is not a game. I know TBI. I now more fully know and understand bipolar. I know what they are all pretending to understand, be experts on, and and to be working to figure out -what they have paid thousands and years to learn. This is not a game for those of us who live with the reality and affects of these conditions. 

Do not try to make me out to be, or into, things that I am not for your amusement, pride, pleasure, ego, fear, or fallacies. 

Learn from me and learn with me but do not try to define me by your limited understanding. Your universities, studies, PhD's and organizations are decades behind. Do not try to destroy me or silence me to hide this. 

Do not try to destroy me to hide your failures, ignorance, deviance, bigotry and misdeeds or to stroke your pride and your egos. 

I will not be your victim.

"Do you think I have been here playing games with you this whole time?" I ask. His silence confirming that he had.

 

Emotional Distress- now how do you calculate damages for that?

 I did it. Today I did it. I filed the Notices of Claims against USU and Cache County Prosecutor's office.

Because I am determined not to allow them to destroy me and I am determined to beat the harm, past present and perpetual, that it is causing me, I am learning a lot on this journey through our legal and judicial systems. For the most part it is not fun and it has been very stressful and distressing. The infliction of emotional distress is very real and it manifested itself today as I hand delivered the Notices Of Claims to the appropriate persons. I opted for that to ensure they were delivered and so I could obtain receipt of delivery immediately. I was not going to gamble with the mysteries and mishaps of electronic or mail deliveries. 

So first I took my notice to the county. It was not the office or department I am standing up to that I had to deliver to. Which is probably a good thing for both them and me because it was hard enough being nice to the non-offending receiving department. I did my best and overall I think it went well but they could clearly sense my tension and I felt as though I must have been staring daggers with how on edge they all seemed. It was comical when the man I am obligated to send the notice to was telling me the best way to ensure delivery is to submit it electronically as he was holding the notice in his hand. I tried to relieve the tension with comedy by commenting on my observation of that fact. I am not sure if it did or if it just made him embarrassed. He was nice though and I was glad for it. 

Next it was to the University. The Office of Legal Affairs/General Counsel. They were not as fun. The lady was sweet the whole time but the friendly bubbly young attorney was not as friendly as he was presenting and at one point he actually told me to chill out. Which was especially disrespectful and condescending considering how damn good of a job I was doing at maintaining my composure in this lions' den of the  Goliath I am trying to take on and that has been playing very nasty games with me and my life for the past year plus. I did not appreciate his comment. 

I did however appreciate that Utah Attorney General Assistant that issued the biased report was there so I could address him personally. I was told I would now have to go through various channels because I filed a Notice of Claim, but I at least got to say, "you assumed things about me that aren't true," ask him why he never bothered to consult with/interview me (when he said his decisions were based on what was presented to him), and I got to tell him that his report had many errors and misrepresentations. I told him to read the part of his report where he explains what the officers job was, because that was exactly my complaint: the officer did not do those things- "but then you dismissed my complaint" I reminded him. This attorney was much more professional and seemed more genuinely nice. I appreciated him for listening and explaining things politely, and even taking some time to respectfully listen. I was still mad at him for his part in all of this, but I felt some respect for him. 

Then I left and thought of all the things I wish I had said... but that's the thing about intentionally and/or negligently inflicted emotional distress; it comes out and can be hard to contain. I wish I had been on my game and been able to say in that moment to the snarky young attorney, "you see, that's one of the problems for us TBI survivors, its a lot harder to hide our emotional distress. Especially from those people and institutions who have caused it. Now how about you document your witnessing it. Thanks." 

I also wish I would have remembered to tell them that while it may be a game to them, they are messing with peoples lives and livelihoods. And USU has been screwing with mine (and my kids) in egregious ways for the past year plus. This is not a game to me. 

I maybe would have also liked to have said "Yes, I am and will be representing myself because despite so many University employees' false beliefs about me, I am competent and intelligent enough to do so." but my blood was boiling to much to reply so cleverly when the arrogant young attorney asked if I had an attorney.  

I hope they read this so they can hear those things that needed to be said.  But I did not beat myself up for not saying them. I won't let them have that power over me and when I left I was actually quite relieved and it felt good. A weight had lifted and I felt a soft tingling wave of pride, peace, and hope wash over me as I drove away and allowed myself to feel whatever it was that I needed to feel in that moment.  It was nice.

A confirmation that I am doing the right thing. 

So I fight because Goliath does not scare me and I am fighting for so much more than just me and for financial reparation.