Solving and Starving

 Trying to solve has definitely helped. I will admit though it is a bit sad to me how that is resulting in my brain heart and body recognizing and accepting that my once imperfectly perfect and beautifully brilliant Dr. P is nothing more than a cowardly little discriminatory weasel likely more similar to my insecure lying professor who finds satisfaction in exerting his authority, dominance, and power over the week, injured, or those who dare to ask questions... 

It is good that I am becoming free of Dr. He and the delusions that were fed by denial and gaslighting when I was already lit up, but it is also sad. I am sad for Dr. P mostly, that he is so much less than I believed him to be and such a injured coward that he had to keep those delusions alive anyway he could to stroke his own ego and hide how truly small and broken he is. He did so very much at my expense and to my detriment. He first tried to keep me in an unstable place and then tried to make it appear that my unstable place was nothing more than an obsession with him... So sad and too bad that he was and likely still is incapable of seeing what I really am and how reconciling with who and what I really am would be so much more flattering to him. 

I see, in what I read, in the research but especially in the representation of psychologist and similarly trained professionals, just how disappointing he really is. Forms of transference that are helping to destroy the delusions that, first, my love and trust and then my mania had built of him. 

Rather unrelated, other than this is what has become of me, now I want to write about a dream I had last night.

In this dream there was a large gathering of people I knew, family, friends, acquaintances of all kinds, and some faces I did not know. Their was a large, lavish and glorious spread of food. I must have been late or I had been distracted in conversation because most had finished eating at that point. I was instructed to go get some food before they started cleaning up. But every time I tried to get food the plate would be taken as soon as I turned away by someone who was cleaning up or packing up. Each time I would be instructed and even helped to get new food but then someone would unintentionally knock it out of my hand, or the plate, too small and thin would not hold the food, or again someone would take the plate when I put it down and looked or stepped away, like to get a utensil or a drink or another tiny plate because I was starving and I wanted to get enough food before it all got cleaned up. I was so hungry and the food so beautiful and delicious but I could never even get a bite before it was taken again. At one point, when the food was spilled, I was ready to salvage what I could but an aunt or someone would not allow me to eat the spilled food and kindly cleaned while directing me to get appropriate food because there was plenty. And there was plenty, but before I could reach the next table the food was swiftly packed and taken away. I pleaded as they walked out, but too far gone into the process of packing, they ignored my pleas... I needed nourishment. People were pseudo-trying to help but too busy and caught up in clean up to realize that they were the ones taking it away form me before I ever could even take a bite. I was hungry and helpless and ignored by people I knew and cared about while insane amounts of food were being taken and denied me. I tried heaping quicker which must have offended as the plate now looked messy and unfit for consumption so someone would promptly dispose of it before I could eat any ... And I just kept getting hungrier and hungrier. 

... And even before I fully woke I think I knew this dream represents how life now feels for me in the waking hours. I keep trying to get the social nourishment I need and to enjoy both the fanfare and the camaraderie, but they are all to busy, or I arrived to late, and my needs are not their priority... So then getting my needs met starts to feel like I have to fight... and, something like in the dream; in life I metaphorically can't get any food and as I become hungrier and hungrier, the food is becoming more an more scarce... and though I become less and less picky, others are picky for me but fail to see that their pickiness just cost me another opportunity to eat. 

How on earth am I ever going to get anything to eat? I'm starving now, and everyone has cleaned up and gone home, ...and I am left alone in a big empty room with no food, no friends, no family, and no idea of where to go from here and how to get food. I used to know... But I'm lost now in this big empty space. 

Semmelweis the Outlier.

I am learning a whole lot in my psychology classes and yet there is not much that is all that new or surprising. But it is organized and the vocabulary is new. So I hope this helps me better structure and organize my thinking. 

Today in PSY 1010 I am reading about memory. It is very interesting especially considering my experience. My professor has a weekly zoom open forum discussion for us. This week I brought up some of the connections I made. I told him about the memory of the straight jacket. He doubts I was in one, claims they have not been used for decades. It was decades ago and another student chimed in to defend because she had one used on her as a child by a dentist. She was fully conscious so her memory is harder to question. Professor still doubts. I brought up some other notices and wonders that I have ...and history repeats. He calls me an anomaly, other times it feels that he is implying I am liar. Thing is, I have never been a very good liar, it's not something I like or want to do, and it does not feel good to me. Yet, somehow, I continue to get myself into trouble for being too honest... 

Concurrently in PSY 3500 we were assigned to read two stories from a book called The Century of the Surgeon, by Jurgen Thorwald. The first story was called "Invisible Assassins" and it was about Joseph Lister; with some coverage of Louis Pasteur.  The second story called "Dirty Hands" was about Ignaz Phillip Semmelweis, the doctor who -through diligence and persistence- discovered that childbed fever was  being spread among patients because surgeons were not washing their hands and equipment. The stories were told in story narrative, the author acting as a character in the story. However, they were not just about the research and discoveries in preventing infection and the spreading of it, they were also about the way the physicians and scientists were treated and the resistance and opposition they faced in trying to spread the news of their discoveries. Semmelweiss was first called crazy and then he was driven to crazy as he fought to protect and save lives...

"They were pioneers"

is what we say now. But they were not seen as that then. They were seen as disruptors, and their truths were likely called anomalies and even lies. They were outliers. Outliers because they cared enough to change their methods and their minds. Outliers because they cared about their patients. Outliers because they valued human life and they would not allow themselves to be comfortable with casualties. 

In "Dirty Hands" page 229, it says "This acceptance of child fever as a thing inexorably fated was an attitude Semmelweiss had naturally absorbed from his teacher-until he himself came face to face with it."  

Face to face

where do you or would you stand?

... Coincidentally at my last appointment with Dr. She she told me I was an outlier and an anomaly...

I think I am getting tired of being an outlier and an anomaly and I do suspect that I am not nearly as much of one as those medical and psychological professional think I am... Or I am but it doesn't need to be that way. 

Rather I suspect I know somethings and I am worth listening to. 

Now back to what I am reading in my PSY 1010 textbook: Retrieval cues.

Like priming: "the activation, often unconsciously, of particular association memories." This is like product placement and strategically placed inspirational poster. It's also the trick: "what color is snow? what color are clouds? what do cows drink?" (hint: they do not drink milk, which is white and what people often say). I think of some things in Dr. He's office. The book of Tao, that was there in the beginning but not at the end. The picture on his wall. And I think of some things he said, like a couple of examples he shared about his kids... that were rather intimate. Priming? 

Then there are context-dependent memories and state-dependent memories... State-dependent memories: "what we learn in one state...may be more easily remembered again in that state." Apparently this can even apply to drunk and sober. ...But I start to feel rather emotional as I continue reading. 

Called and/or implied that I am a liar... And yet it is all right there, in my textbook. I can make connections that I am not sure others can make. Like how Semmelweiss, Lister, and Pasteur were all, even themselves, resistant to believe what they were seeing. They did not want to fight against the others. There were subtleties in the story that suggest they also followed and/or wanted to follow what was popularly believed and/or widely accepted. I suspect if Semmelweiss was not experiencing this he would have figured out the answer to what was costing so many lives a lot sooner. For awhile, the more determined he was to solve the problem the more patients he lost. For a long time he knew he was somehow responsible but he could not figure out why or how to stop it.

I wanted to believe my misdiagnoser's... but to do so was certain death. And I was just a casualty to them. My professor who called me an anomaly and then I read right in my textbook what I was trying to explain to him and what I have tried to explain so many times: "it was if I had some sort of muscle memory and my brain new how to handle it," and "I kept trying to tell them 'I think I am manifesting better than I am'" when I had a TBI that kept being labeled as a concussion.  State-dependent memory... I remembered more than I knew. My body did know how to handle it. 

And I know things that can help people. That can save lives. And I am begging to be heard... because I am outlier... that cares. 

When I suggested the idea that studying the outliers in psychological and medical studies might help us better understand and improve treatments, Professor of PSY 3500 rejected the idea. 

...I am tired today. And extra tremor-y. I have fumbled in both pathetic and unsettling ways. The worst I ever have. It is kind of sad and disturbing. I took an extra half of Adderall- the second 15 mg I am expected to take, but rarely do. I wondered if that might be why... But then I remembered that I forgot to take my Seroguel last night. I remembered around midnight. Which then made sense why I was so awake. But then I was faced with a dilemma, because I was scheduled to meet with a student at 9am. If I took my meds then I would have a terrible time waking up... Should I take the 50 instant release and skip the 200 extended, vice-versa, or some other variation. I did not dare skip it entirely ... I opted for 100 ER and 50 RR. It was very difficult getting up. I definitely did not get as much sleep as I need. Aaahhh and there it is. The likely culprit for my tears about state-dependent memories.

And I wanted so badly to discuss in class the significant number of things we could learn from Semmelweiss in regards to mental health. He as a great and misunderstood man who ultimately, sacrificed himself fighting to save lives from such pointless deaths. He was criticized, fired, ostracized, and treated in all the right ways for the perpetuation of insanity all for trying to stop the pointless perpetuation of death from the spreading of illness due to unwashed hands. I have great respect and regard for him. 

And maybe mental illness is contagious after all. Or maybe it can be caused and spread by others. 

Either way, I do know that we are not immune to how we are treated by others. 

...and likewise, as the story of Gustav Adolf Michaelis illustrates, neither are we immune to how we treat others. He was a good man who actually adopted Semmelweiss's hand washing policies, but succumbed to suicide because he felt personally responsible for the women that died as a result of how he treated them. 

The countertransference trap

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5anLPw0Efmo

"Please don't close the door completely or I'll just keep coming back trying to knock it down"... I forgot that I had said this.

The song I linked to above says this at one point: "I was alone the whole time" and it starts me thinking...

You were taking from me.

I was there for you

When I needed you there for me.

I thought that you were.

...but was I alone the whole time?

You told me I could keep you in my heart 

then suggested I let it burn out

because that is what you intended to do. 

"Please don't close the door on me completely" I begged

"I'll never have anything to do with you"

you said

and only because you could see yourself loving me?

The one thing I needed most at that precise moment in life...

The door now shut so tight

every day I have to fight

trying to keep my heart from burning out 

trying to keep my mind from following you 

through the door I am forbidden through,

Desperate to collect the shattered pieces of me 

scattered in your territory

that you refuse to see

and will not allow me back to collect

my stolen pieces you neglect. 

Shiny pieces illuminating the pedestal you refuse to come down from

Neglected pieces kept selfishly

for nothing more than flattery. 

Pieces of me that I need

Kept captive in forbidden phenomena 

of confounding connections...

You may keep the flattery 

but please stop the fallacious fantasy, 

and free me from your forgotten fortress

by having something to do with me

In reality.

The Push Crash Cycle

 So my previous providers, though infamous, had some things quite correct and put them forth in simple enough terms that it was very helpful (...they showed so much promise for helping TBI survivors. This is why it is so hard for me to give up my hope that they are not as bad, when they make a mistake, as they keep proving to be ...) 

One of the phenomena that they had right and that was and remains incredibly helpful, is their explanation and guidance on the push crash cycle. They wanted me to be careful to avoid the push crash cycle, a very common problem for people TBI and concussion that inevitably leads to slower healing and/or more permanent or progressive damage. (crazy how while they were the ones to teach about this it ended up being the problem they later would hypocritically exacerbate by first triggering and then denying the ultimate push crash cycle of mania and its associated bipolar effects... sheesh) 

Back to it. 

Push crash, every person has the potential to find themselves in this sort of cycle. I think high school and college students are especially vulnerable because so much is expected of them. They are supposed to have perfect grades, the highest of test scores, be involved in extracurricular activities AND massive amounts of community service while also holding a job at some point just so they can get into college and have any chance at any financial assistance. It's insane what is expected of these kids. So they often push and then crash. Sometimes we call it senior-itis. Others do this with their jobs and for athletes this might as well be the athletes code; push until you crash. It reminds me of the motto of my high school cross-country track team: "Run 'til you hurl!" We adopted this motto to both honor those who had, to motivate us to push harder, and to make light of it as well. Even though I was ranked number one on our girls team I never could push myself that hard and I don't think that is a bad thing. 

But now, the push crash cycle.... it's way to easy to push myself too hard and I am fairly confident that is linked to the TBI. 

This morning, at 4am, I tried to get up to respond to a new friend in Australia who is also a survivor of therapist countertransference that was not handled by the therapist and/or the institution he worked at well. 

I wanted to get to a different room to take a phone call so as not to disturb my husbands sleep. Using my crutches I started to head out of our bedroom.  I was tired and heavy and a stabbing burning pain decided to visit the leg of my recently repaired hip, but this phone call and the person on the other end were important to me... I got out the bedroom door and turned to go down the stairs.. But that was as far as I could push before I came crashing all the way down to the floor. Everything in me dropped and I lost control of my muscles. I didn't entirely faint and was able to go down to the side of my good leg landing me in a way that only my head dangled over the first step as I laid their disoriented trying to figure out what my body was doing. 

This woke my husband - which was what I had been trying to avoid. He came out and helped me out of my very peculiar position but I had to stay in my partially sitting position with my head and shoulders only slightly against the wall until the intense nausea subsided enough that I could scoot myself back into my room where my husband could help me back up to my bed. I was flush and in a cold sweat.

I had pushed too hard and it resulted in a very literal crash. Sigh

But what about the friend? Was I able to talk to her? Actually, at that exact same moment in time on the other side of the world, my sweet friend had a brick come crashing through her window... so she was not able to talk either. She had to call the police while I had to call my husband instead. 

What a bizarre coincidence of two troublesome crashes. 

The Pen.

Time is ticking. I am getting close. Today I actually called DOPL. I have been on the website and started filing a few times. 

At first I could not because I could not psychologically handle being invalidated to the next level. Knowing they held all the cards and the power and that they are the ones paying the the bills through their licensing fees I did not trust anyone would actually be looking out for me. Again. 

And that was too much for my fragile mental state. 

Now, I am strong. And that is not my concern. I know that if nothing happens it is because they are massively successful liars and deceivers and/or there is yet another deceptive and corrupt system that does not actually work for the people it is claiming to serve and help, but rather it works for money and follows the same patterns of corruption, ego, and good-ol'-boy favoritism. If nothing happens, maybe I will be satisfied that I did all that I could or maybe I will take the fight even farther, fueling the fire of determination to speak out and stand up. 

I don't know... But it is looking to be what has to be done since all attempts to be treated fairly and with dignity, to reconcile and to be heard have been ignored. They refuse to acknowledge fault and have faulted me in very bad ways for their mistakes. Blaming, shaming, ostracizing.. So reporting is what I have to do. I have to to stand up for myself. I even have to to protect myself from their false accusations and threats. 

So why has it taken me so long? Why even still am I slightly reluctant?

Because I still hope... I want them to be what I once believed them to be and I would so much rather help them become that then have to report that they are as bad as they are and have been. 

I met this amazing girl at the BIAU conference yesterday. She was going by Jamie Mocrazy there. She used to be an amazing professional skier until she under-rotated on a big-air trick and caught an edge on the landing. She hit so hard her brain was bleeding in 8 different spots. She was in a coma for awhile, then could not speak English (her native language) for awhile, and was even partially paralyzed for awhile. But even with all of those things happening to her body, she did not want to believe she was sick or injured. She told the story of being in the hospital, not allowed to go home because she kept telling them she was in a movie about hospitals or she was in a hospital movie. 

She said when they asked why she thought that she would say, "because hospitals are for old people, sick people and injured people, and I am not any of those. And whenever you give me those shots in my legs I don't feel anything so I know they are not real. So I must be in a movie about hospitals." I loved how she told the story and I highly recommend finding her inspirational story, but my point here: some of us just have a hard time accepting the reality of our tragedy and we want to believe we are fine. 

And I am not all that different than those friends and family members who can't quite handle believing that our medical providers and institutions, our legal systems etc are really as bad as they really have been. I too want to believe that they would never hide, neglect, deceive and even victimize one of their patients. I also want to believe that they would work to honestly correct their mistakes and protect the patient. I want to believe in the good in them, not the truths of what happened that needs to be fixed but they refuse to even discuss. Every step in this process is a heartbreak and hope increasingly lost. But it is also a step towards my freedom and hope of a new kind. It is a step in a direction that is more likely to be beneficial to others than what I know to be true about how the Neuroscience Institute treats and mistreat people.

I have to keep moving and my direction ...the silence is dictating.  

Dear Jon.... 

time is running out. If you are a victim of circumstance trapped in a web of lies you never really meant to create, then please, please let us have a conversation. Let me help you before you burn yourself down by trying to burn me out. 

... I understand if it really was countertransference the reasons for it and what it really was. I understand the perceptions and judgements you face in admitting it. I understand the taboos you were facing and why may have wanted to let me believe things to be more than they were. I understand why this might lead you to behave unethically and unjustly towards me. I understand why you would be embarrassed and ashamed of me or by me. I understand the stigma's and prejudice, even the [irrational] fear of repercussion.  I understand that the problem(s) is(are) much bigger than you or I.

I can understand. 

However, your actions are not justifiable nor are they excusable. I am not a bad guy nor should I have ever been treated as such. And you really did nearly cost me my life by dismissing and denying the mania. 

I also know that the things you said, the way I was handled when I was trying to protect you, and then the continuation with the perpetuation of harm, never willing to allow for clarification, thus confirming and affirming the things you said that were manipulative, deviant, and/or careless; those thing that were destroying any chance for my brain to recover from the delusions of mania and the reality of my TBI that your institution never did an MRI to discover.... (the MRI's were done 12/19 at an IHC clinic, check them yourself)

These things need to be addressed. They need to be talked about. 

In my experience with you many significant problems within the medical industry and the fields of psychology came out. Problems that need to be brought to light, are coming to light and that need to be addressed. Problems that are causing significant harm to other people all over the world. 

Yet they are all problems that can be fixed and they are all problems that you and I working together could be a powerful force of positive changes in... You have to know this. If your mistakes with me were in anyway innocent, you know the power I am speaking of, and the likely reason for the magnitude of transference and countertransference that was experienced. I really did need you since I was 12. My existence validated you and your career in ways I doubt you fully understand and I think at that point in your life you needed that validation. And if you would let me help you that validation could take you a whole lot farther... Do you really see no potential? I know what you said was not true, or at least is not any longer. I've been on both sides of sanity and I know I really do understand the reality. Do you? Will you continue to deny it? 

 ...Time is running out, but I will not burn out. I am not what you tried to turn me into nor am I what you depicted me to be to others. 

Instead, I am worth being honest and fair with. I am worth saving and I am worth hearing, and I am worth standing up for and fighting for. And I am going to keep doing that. 

But I also believe that you are worth standing up for and fighting for too. Not the you that you only allowed me to see, and not the you that you turned into towards me, but the you that I knew, the you that I saw through to, and the you that I know you are capable of being. That you, I will fight for, even if -and maybe especially if- that means fighting against the you that caused harm, then perpetuated harm and created the web lies you are now all tangled up in. 

Which person will you be?

Sincerely,

Erica

...Too bad he is not likely to read this. If any reader of this would like to send it to him, you may and I hope that someone will

The Applied Math of Psychology

Countertransference in therapy. 

The following is the last learning objective listed from an APA approved course on counter transference for therapists. (see link below)"Discuss strategies to avoid unethical and/or unlawful practice regarding transference and countertransference love." 

Here's an idea: Lets include the other side of this equation in the conversation.

That is, after all, how you keep an equation balanced. What you do to one side you have to do to the other. If I subtract 10 from one side I must also subtract 10 from the other. Both sides have to keep their communication with the other open until the equation is solved for the intended solution. Otherwise very big problems can occur due to the faulty math.

Just imagine if engineers and even medical doctors ignored these basic fundamental laws of math? Bridges would not stand and medications would be administered carelessly in ways that could result in terrifying consequences.

No wonder I went manic. The equation was out of balance and all the powers to "solve" were extremely disproportionate... like maniacally disproportionate.  My body was simply trying to balance out the equation I had become a part of. 

Now there's a theory therapists might want to try applying to their practice. 

https://www.continuingedcourses.net/active/courses/course084.php

From the above mentioned course for therapists, I find this information particularly interesting: 

"Body Language, Complex Movement, and Somatization

Other well-documented manifestations of transference love are body language or simple movement, complex movement, and somatization. They are universal, transcultural means by which the unconscious mind of one person speaks to its conscious mind as well as to the unconscious mind of another person through the body. Indeed, “the basic units of experience are [not words but] bodily interactions between self and others” (Fast, 1992, 449). The bodily action of both clients and therapists contains key information about what they are trying to convey to each other (Scaer, 2005). Details of posture, gaze, changes in skin color, and even respiration are noticed and unconsciously recorded by both therapy participants (Meares, 2005).

Moreover, because the body cannot lie, it is the richest, most accurate source of truth about what is going on in the present and what aspects of the past have been embodied in memories. The body has an uncanny “ability to tune in to the psyche: to listen to its subtle voice, hear its silent music and search into its darkness of meaning” (Mathew, 1998, 185). It has the ability to do so and seemingly cannot resist doing so." (Schauffer, 2019)

flashback: I could hardly look at him as I played the song intended to help me explain my transference affection for him.  When I did, I noticed he was rubbing his right eye with his right middle finger... an "f* you for making me feel this way" I wondered. Latter in my reoccurring dreams and memories my heart burned as my returning adulthood drew another possible conclusion from this body language... 

Too Bias or Not Too Bias? That is [the variable to] the question.

 Biases are funny. We all have them and they are impossible to avoid but somehow too often we think we are free from them as we try to help others see their own.

I got to meet with my professor, via phone conference, which I hate because I can hear the exacerbated sighs but I cannot see the facial expressions or read the body language to know if they are as exacerbated as they sound or even more exacerbated than they sound. 

It all went about how I thought it would. I overwhelm people. I have too much too soon and I care too much about it. Which is a "problem" in science, because it is perceived as a bias... and it probably is. But here are some things I picked up on:

As I was giving background story my professor pretty quickly labeled the previous therapist as "just a creep" a statement that followed, "was it countertransference or was he..." Professor offered his opinion: he does not think it was countertransference, he does not think the therapist had developed feelings for me. 

Now I sense a bias. Is it against the therapist or is it against me? Or both?

He makes comments about how the client is ostracized and blamed and shamed, so he picked up on that; this part of the conversation was when we were speaking about the generalized problem. But then at one point he makes a comment about how it takes two to tango, and this when the focus had gotten a little more specific to me again. Well, good thing no tango-ing took place. But is this a bias or did I say something that acknowledged patients taking responsibility that he may be reflecting back... Yet it feels like there is a bias, similar to those I read in the research articles and comments on Quora that say it is not the clients fault and they should not be blamed but then proceeds with subtly and not so subtly blaming, shaming and ostracizing them?.. what is really happening here?

...He compares it to sexual harassment and to the #me too Movement, yes. But I can't quite explain that maybe it is not a good guy bad guy scenario, rather maybe the problem is in the rules and regulations, and taboo nature in which the problems are being handled. The hole and the flaw in the middle that is kind of being talked about but is not being very well addressed in regards to how the handling of such situations effects the client. 

But mostly I have too much I want to solve and I am struggling with figuring out where to start... how to break it into manageable chunks and steps that might actually constructively help people. 

My professors is concerned that the topic is to personal for me to be objective about and thus may not be a good topic for me... But it just does not make sense to me at all to choose a topic that isn't important to me. Could I be objective? sure... But also being objective is what has helped me through that mess. ...and it likely hurt me too, in trying to be fair and not wanting to cause any harm... So objectivity, it's a double edged sword. And the lack of concern or personal experience with a situation, I doubt leads to better or more objectivity, rather a person probably just has different and likely less noticeable, but still present, biases about the topic. ...and, really, which is better? A bias that is easily recognizable, identifiable and distinguishable or a bias that is not so easy to spot by the objective observer who cares little about spotting it and does not have enough experience with the topic to recognize it or where it is coming from?

And isn't it funny how, in the malpracticing of me, the attempts to maintain and restore objectivity were not reciprocated by those who have supposedly been trained to do that and that are supposedly governed by ethics on the topic?... 

Is that where I start? By questioning the ethics?

I don't know... I suppose it makes some sense that Dr. He told me not to try and solve this... There are far too many problems to solve.... but is it a good idea for me to unbias myself in this situation??? maybe the start or end is about when bias is necessary?... blah... this is not helping anymore. Time to write on paper and see if I can whittle down my ideas and ideals into a workable research topic for a class that is not an all encompassing end all. 

4:00pm...and really it is just too bad that I have become so entirely socially inept. It is really causing problems for me and I don't know how to find my way back, which just further isolates, which leads to increased social retardation. Such a vicious cycle. I know what I need, friends and/or regular social interactions. Yet I can't meet that need and the harder I try the worse off I am... but I can tell you here, my invisible friends.

4:30pm..and as I persevere, determined to do what I can... I want to curse... because I am to damn connected to this topic...

So I think to change my topic to TBI stuff... and damnit, that feels even worse, because in that arena there is really no valid or justifiable reason that I was mistreated and ostracized and that literature can be even harder to handle emotionally, can feel just as, if not more, hopeless. AND I risk stumbling across research that is written by the misdiagnosers themselves. 

How about mania? That one is fascinating. Like why the hell did I go manic, what is physiologically happening to the body and stuff like that... but again, painful, and actually solved pretty quick when the correlation was established to the exact damaged regions in my brain... 

maybe I'll just research how video games effect test performance ...insert green faced puking emoji!

... maybe I'll go back to being an artist and keep painting instead. 

9:00pm And I'm back again... after conversation with the man (the one that I am married to). Talking through some of what I feel and listening to his feedback. I know I am expecting too much of myself. Maybe trying too hard to fix what cannot be fixed... Knowing it cannot be fixed for me, I want to at least try and fix it for others. Maybe I am simply trying to attach meaning to my suffering. Maybe I am trying to end my suffering by trying to relieve the suffering of others. 

hmm. that's not such a bad thing. I think that is a better way to end suffering than to heed the voices that suggest I end it by ending me or sacrificing myself for the gods of IHC.  

And I am glad that my man reminded me, this is not my only shot and it does not need to make or break me. It's just a step.