Whose up to bat?

 4 for 4. Or is it 5 for 5? And then some added bonus findings.

Car accident of 2017 my 1st concern was my head. A possible concussion had me concerned. The first doctor I saw dismissed this concern with, "we don't do anything for concussion anyway." He did not test for it. 

Shoulder and left arm were x-rayed and found okay... So I suppose that may change it to 5 out of 6, because it hurt so bad I was certain something was broken... It was the only test ordered by a doctor to look inside immediately following the accident. 

The next test that looked inside was ordered shortly after the car accident by a chiropractor. He wanted to see the neck. MRI showed injury in the form of a hairline fracture in a vertebrae in the neck. Chiropractor is also the one who picked up on the concussion. At least they were concerned. 

Next was the ENT doctor, a few months after the accident. He ordered a CT scan because I kept getting sinus infections after the accident and my nose was runny a lot. That showed abnormalities but nothing in the sinuses that seemed to be accident related. I'd knock my average down on this because I was certain there was something wrong from the car accident that was causing these problems, but keep following and you will see why I'm still batting 5 of 6.

The next look inside was the ankle. It had been bugging me since the accident. 14 months after, when my head was starting to improve, I wondered why the heck I had not had the ankle looked at. It was only getting worse so I went to the orthopedic doctor. MRI; it needed surgery. Had it been caught when the injury had been sustained then it is possible surgery could have been avoided. This much later? No. But still 3 surgeons and a PA all impressed by my stability and strength considering the extent of the injury; especially once they got inside.

Ankle turning out to not be nothing coincided with the questionable #5 injury. Mania. Was that due to injury of car accident or insult of neuropsychologist? Not sure, but certainly mania and not so much a transference- countertransference issue.  That would have resolved much quicker and easier and would have followed a much more linear path of healing.. (or maybe not. That relationship is intense. Others I know have also been significantly injured by the mishandling of countertransference.) But mania, was a definite yes and I was right about it... Too bad I, like they, really did not want that to be what it was. Too bad they are governed more by their fear and/or egos than by honesty, integrity, medical knowledge, and logic. 

After ankle and knowing I was broken more than was previously thought -something I had tried to tell many doctors already but was shy and timid, not assertive, when they failed to listen- I decide to have the 2 other things that had been bothering me looked into: my hip and my wrist. 

The hip doctor decided to take the conservative approach and it was hypothesized the discomfort there was linked to my gate being off from the ankle. Which turned out not to be the case. But then it was supposed that it was the back and not the hip... Which turned out it was the back; MRI showed a bulging disk. Another injury I had not even thought to mention because I was associating the back pain and troubles to the hip. Physical therapy helped the back. 

But not the hip. 

Back to MRI and, yep the hip was also injured. Progressed or lit up by car accident, that much I know because prior to the car accident it had never bothered me. Not once. This injury has taken the longest to find, because we were being conservative in an effort to avoid chalking up unnecessary expenses... which, in reality, turned out to be chalking up a lot of unnecessary expenses and wasted time. I go in for surgery next week. This should prevent a full hip replacement down the road. 

So ankle, hip, back, mania, all initially missed... oh and the wrist.

Orthopedic found nothing wrong with the wrist. But there was clearly a tremor. "You might want to see a neurologist about it" says he. And Dr. Reddy, she suggests that too, but fails to refer and of course I want to believe that this means it is nothing. 

...but I know better... deep inside I know better. I had the whole time.

Finally, after the mania and that nonsense is actually being treated, I follow the directions of new psychiatric PA and I get into a neurologist. She wants me to go for head injury, I only want to see what this tremor might be tied to... But I already know. I did not have it before and I knew it as soon as wrist orthopedic mentioned it with concern all over his face. 

Yep. MRI shows TBI. Not concussion at all... so maybe I am batting lower because I first thought concussion and it was actually worse.... but truthfully, "I think I might be manifesting better than I am," said to at least 3 providers who diagnosed concussion, reminds me, that I knew... Deep down inside, I knew this was another TBI. It is why I woke up so quickly, I knew I could not let anyone move me and risk greater injury to my brain the it had been with the first TBI. After that snow tubing collision with a tree I had been loaded into a sled and bounced unconscious across a field... So the second time, something deep in my psyche or biology knew I had to walk up. 

But I wanted to believe those providers who were the experts ... experts who were very wrong. I wanted to believe their wrong diagnosis's too. 

Mania. That is what the result of believing misdiagnosis can lead to... Or was that mania from the pituitary tumor the MRI also found? We don't know, and may never know, because it was not diagnosed appropriately at the height of it or for months after amidst the chaotic cycling that ensued and I will do all I can to prevent another manic episode.

But we could have known, had those whose care I was under, when the mania presented, taken it for the evidence it was -that more was in fact going on with my brain- and ordered the tests to be done then. 

And today I am glad and sad

Sad about the insanity of the journey and the mess that it has been 

Sad that my experience is being shunned and shushed instead of used to help others (and me)

Others who are also being shunned and shushed and treated badly inside and out of the medical institutions that should know and behave better.

Glad that I have the husband I do and we have made the progress we have. I have support here.

Glad that I have been fortunate to get the medical help I need even if it took far longer than it should have and the journey was not a direct route. 

...and nervous 

because today I just scheduled surgery for the hip. I will get it fixed next week. 

nervous... but also glad

glad that I will finally be done with the finding and diagnosing of injuries from the car accident of 2017. 

TBI has compounding effects. It leads to behaviors and symptoms that can look quite different than what is expected. And for those of us that are coming in with a second TBI, providers need to be aware of the effects of years of conditioning to hide and be ashamed of our symptoms and associated problems. Providers need to not add to the shame, shunning, isolation and ostracism. It even effects our ANS: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/324431877_Concussion_and_the_autonomic_nervous_system_An_introduction_to_the_field_and_the_results_of_a_systematic_review 

(yes, that article by my ex-neuropsychologist, is about concussion, but I am fairly certain more severe TBI's are likely to effect the autonomic nervous system as well... but that is just a guess) 

So in the end what am I batting here? I lost track... and I'll leave it that.

Cognitive Dissonance

 Cognitive dissonance. It's a theory. And a condition?

basically it says if your thoughts/beliefs and behaviors (what you think/believe and what you do) are not in alignment with each other you will experience dissonance "a tension or clash resulting from the combination of two disharmonious or unsuitable elements" within your cognition.. 

So like, if you feel morally obligated to report something but it is emotionally challenging to do so and you have a stupid (or intelligent, not sure which it really is) brain that considers far too many possibilities far too much, then your are going to be in a state of imbalance until you bring those conflicting variables into some sort of alignment with each other...

Stupid human experience.

Actually it is not and it is possible I am not so dissonant as I might be making it sound, rather just a tad annoyed with myself for letting my day get away from me once again in avoidance of continued attempts to straighten things out. Procrastination, distractibility, even loss of memory all seem to increase dramatically when I decide I am going to again work to tackle those rotten issues that day... 

Why?

Porque? 

It is so very annoying and now I feel bad at having wasted my day and I may even feel a tad guilty for coming here to process and confess... Oooh lovely blogger.com, my confessional and my redeemer...

Blasphemy! now what am I up to? 😬 delightful irreverent distractions of minimal comedic/artistic value... 

But why the dissonance of belief, knowledge and action? 

because we are creatures of habit?

and even when we know it is the right thing to do we still seek community over isolation and we hate to have our value, insight, and experiences invalidated ...again and again...

Hopeless?

No. I still don't and won't believe it and if that is stubborn then, in this situation, I will accept the label.

and my confessional, tipped over, turns into my soapbox...

Now off box and off to work I go to 

try and catch some portion of my day that got away...

To solve or not to solve... there really is no question

 To solve?

Or not to solve?

That is the question.

And yet I think I lack the ability to to not to and probably that stems from the silly little fact that I would not have survived if I had chosen not to. 

Too much is happening in a brain that is damaged and whose chemistry is so far out of whack and I am confident that, if what I was experiencing was bipolar, than bipolar is terminal if left untreated. 

Your body just cannot sustain.

and I am so very curious about it now and curious about how it ties to TBI. So curious about what was happening to me because something very strange was happening that I am certain science has got to be able to account for. 

by-the-way

So far I have been correct on that and here is some further evidence form Oxford Academics, Brain; A Journal on Neurology: "Manic changes are related to changes in the frontal cortex"  

I will confess I have not read the entire study but I read enough to know that they found a of reduction in grey brain matter in the prefrontal cortex of patients who had experienced manic episode(s) in comparison to those who had not. All patients tested had been diagnosed with bipolar and they did an initial MRI and then one somewhere around 6 years later. Some had had manic episodes and some had not. The reduction in grey matter was only observed in patients who had had manic episodes. It was not observed in those who had not. 

Hmmm, maybe this is why Psychiatric PA said mania is hard on your brain? 

And here is the very important, fascinating and also devastatingly sad part of this: Dr. Sweet (new neurologist) reviewed my MRI image with me at my last appointment I had with her a couple of weeks ago and the area we were looking at that had a decrease in grey matter matches the area/images of that study... The biggest difference, to my understanding, is that the patients in the study had it more uniform across the two hemispheres, right and left lobe. 

Now we do know that correlation does not equate to causation so it could mean something like mania in these patient caused the damage/changes. Or it could mean something like some forms of bipolar are degenerative and lead to a decrease/deterioration of the brain in that specific area which then leads to more manic episodes. Or their could be alternative explanations and other variables causing or contributing, some that I considered (ie. medication) the study factored in and suggests are highly unlikely to be the cause. But what we do know: mania can be positively tied to damage in that portion of the brain. That same portion that I have damage to. 

So what does this suggest to you? 

To me it suggests that initial insult was likely due to auto accident injury, and that location of injury made me much more susceptible to have a manic reaction/episode... I am also fairly certain that some the intense fight flight surging of chemicals that go along with mania are linked to the limbic and nervous systems- specifically the ANS. We also know the stress and other factors can trigger a manic episode. Thus it is evidently conclusive (to me) that my trying to solve really was literally necessary to save my brain and in turn my life from the harm that was (if not caused at very least) perpetuated and very likely worsened and exacerbated by the negligent and indifferent Intermountain Neuroscience Institute who absolutely should have caught and treated these injuries and ailments. They are, after all, The Neuroscience Institute. 

And even Dr. Reddy suggested it had been a "perfect storm" scenario. 

They could and probably should be utilizing me as a case study 

but alas doctors sure do hate when their patients turn out to be smarter than they are. ESPECIALLY when they have brain damage. 

...Is that possibly all this boils down to, they can't handle being wrong to, and corrected, by a person with brain damage?

Ah, living the glorious life of a TBI survivor. When we need people the most we are ostracized the most and when we manage well we are discredited, bullied and shamed by those who claim to be the experts. Tautology; the ever-present naysayer dictating our diagnosis, prognosis, and relationships. 

Even still

Dear Intermountain Neuroscience Institute,

 The offer is still on the table: use me as a case study because if you are what you profess to be. I could help you help so many people. Because that is what really matters and that is what is really important. 

.... insert sad sigh from the fading hope of the altruist in me. 

The automatic nervous system and how your therapist might be testing it

 "don't try to solve this" echos in my head as I read about the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems in my psy 1010 book... 

but even more interesting is the echo of, "I have tested your brain in ways you don't even know."

and my automatic reply of, "I know. You have even tested how I feel about you."

How did I know this? and what did he really mean?

As I try to piece together my learning about the Autonomic Nervous Systems and it's jobs and functions...

I am even more curious about how "he tested me in ways I don't even know" that may be linked to his research on the ANS and how it is effected by concussion... 

He knows

is the problem.

He knows what he was doing and the fire he was playing with. The fire he then suggested I let burn out. 

Here are some other things I have learned about the industry and the reality of just how atrocious their  disservices are in situations like mine. 

- There are laws that protect medical providers from their apologies and admitting mistakes and working to resolve them from being used against them in a court of law. So if your medical provider makes a mistake, admits it, and tries to correct it as best he/she can then they are protected from lawsuits and legal action being taken against them for it.

- In my readings these little snippets have stood out to me:

-this one really gets me:

Circular explanation or tautology: It is the type of reasoning they/he used to first claim I was something I was not and then, after be treated as something I was not, my behaviors that followed were used to justify the  false labels, claims, and accusations. A fine art of using the the very pitfalls they warn psychologists about to ones advantage. And sadly this is a rather common occurrence within the field. 

- My sisters, the prison guards words, "those are classic player's moves/phrases."

- On paper (clearly not in reality!) I was a prime target for grooming. Why? 

• TBI in locations that effect impulse control
• Low self-esteem
• lack of family and social support
• negligent/oblivious husband
• intelligent but functioning with deficits and low confidence
• recent job loss and other painful social rejections
• need for love and support
• attractive enough but not too attractive
• highly vulnerable
• puts others needs ahead of self
• submissive-ish
• etc

But all of these things, and other serious red flags, were very much ignored... Especially disturbing because these things also make it that much more devastating and unlikely I will take legal action. Plus I have a mental health history and ailments that are easy for people to use against me -that I am stigmatized and discriminated against for anyway.  By and large, on paper,  I represent some voiceless and powerless demographics.  

- And my ANS was such a mess. My whole nervous and neurological systems were. As I read I can associate the physiology I am learning about with the haywire chemistry I could feel surging through my many systems and my curiosity is peaked all the more. It is so curious to be able to feel all of those chemical and biological responses happening inside oneself. It is so curious how they effected my thinking and thoughts. It is so curious how it was possible that he had so much power/influence over me... 

The chemistry and physiology the book explains we all feel it at times, the books give many lovely little examples, but what I was going through is next level stuff. When people experience that it has to be testable and measurable in some way... It is too significant to not be... 

But back to the therapist who was testing me in ways I was not supposed to know and who told me I only see what he allows me to see... 

Considering the reality of the very significant imbalance of power and how illogical, irrational, and obviously unfair it was for them to continue down their paths of clear and definite malpractice with me it is not terribly surprising my very astute manic mind found itself fighting to reject and free itself form the notion that he wanted me to pursue and win a malpractice lawsuit. 

So many things that were and are so curious... and here is yet another possibility -or if I am using my more sophisticated science language I might call it: an alternative explanation for the observed phenomenon/problem:  

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201311/the-narcissistic-therapist

To the INSI, For the Unlawful Carnal KnowledgING of the minds that you do.

Sometimes I just need to complain, right now I will keep it here to refrain

from bothering and bringing it all up again.

Vomit in my mouth and anger pressing my skull as I am looking for the information on who I need to contact to request corrections to my medical records. Those records that are causing perpetual problems.

[9/10/20: after sleeping on it, I thought to pull this blog down... it is maybe too aggressively angry. But as I got on I remembered some of the evidence from Dr. He himself that shows just how dishonest they were being with me in the things they were both accusing me of, faulting me for and using to validate their actions against me. Also, upon reflection, I also feel it might be worthwhile to leave up because my anger and inhibition is, in fact, a very real by product of TBI and for so many people that can be very difficult to manage. As a teen it was an especially challenging struggle. It is a new challenge that we are struggling to overcome with the added burden of misconceptions, impatience, intolerance, and very little compassion or help. We will be faulted even when the anger is merited. So I think I will allow this to stay because coming on here was handling in a more constructive and less deconstructive way. Leaving this up allows others to see just how intense the battle can be. I also hope it helps others gain just a bit of appreciation for all of the things we don't do and say and just how much we are containing for their benefit when it is not easy and what has happened or is happening is not fair, civil, or humane to us.]

The exiling letter claims I was requesting Dr. He to treat me for things I had not previously disclosed...and claiming "The Neuroscience Institute Clinic is focused on neurology-based concerns and is not an appropriate setting to manage mental health issues, which was the primary reason for discharge." A lie and what Fucking idiots... I am sorry but those words are appropriate for how stupid those people must be. Apparently they do not understand the difference between requesting clarification and requesting treatment. Plus my mental health history, that was NOT undisclosed by-the-way, was directly related to my TBI which I am fairly confident falls within the realm of "neurology based concerns" ESPECIALLY since I was telling them there was more going on and I was just trying to figure out was going on with my brain.... They are really that stupid... It is unbelievable. And lets not forget this:

And:

"It is our clinical experience
that a holistic approach that takes all these vari-
ables into account in the treatment planning is
much more likely to lead to resolution of post-
concussive complaints than one that is narrowly
focused on any one of these variables." (pg, 417)

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/324431877_Concussion_and_the_autonomic_nervous_system_An_introduction_to_the_field_and_the_results_of_a_systematic_review 

If they had been competent and/or honest they would have known (once again) that an MRI needed to be ordered. Truly unbelievable, either the games that they played with me or how stupid, incompetent, deviant and/or corrupt they really are... Brain fucking manipulative masterminds with unfortunate power or just idiots with egos and irrational fears. 

Allowing my injuries some free reign of expression, I know I am harsh right now... But this report I am reading after I had yet another conversation with one who may have some sway in hopes that corrections could be made and resolution obtained in the nicest and most civil of ways... To benefit both parties with clarification and some form of civil reconciliation that, if done, would serve the greater good... 

A fool I am...and sorry (not sorry) for my language 

but

 it is merited... I'll have to think on if I should publish because I do not wish to offend

 but offense have been dished out in all forms of deceit and conceit by them so why do I worry at all...

So to this end I will publish and state very clearly the aforementioned conversation will be my final attempt and then it is fully devoted to exposing the brain fucking beasts that they are if that is what they continue to choose to be and at the ever increasing expenses of me* and who knows who else. 

They have access to the evidence of their deviance, misconduct and misdiagnoses. If they will continue to ignore, then blame, shame, defame and even threaten with legal action, then I say bring it on, and take me to court because then it will all be brought to light in the fight and even if they win -maybe especially if they win- people will start to see just how deviant and malicious they really are. Sacrifice me? Go for it. As a lamb to the slaughter I go? NO. I fight. 

I will not burn out. I will not die and I will not sit idly by when they treat patients with so much deceit, disregard and malice.   

(*some recent notes on the ever increasing expenses: I just got yet another ticket from Italy. $450. It's been almost 2 years, but another reminder of the misdiagnosed and manipulated condition I was carelessly driving in that is very out of character for me. And the bill from the neurologist who is well out of network because finding fair treatment is very difficult when your records are tainted with the black marks carefully placed the way that the offending institution has tainted mine) 

Ramblings and the common good

 I am just feeling a bit emotional... for whatever reason. And I feel like writing it out. freefloww whatever comes out comes out...

School. I love learning and I really enjoy interacting with others in that environment too, so all of this online stuff is not my favorite. But I still enjoy the learning aspect. I am slower though and keeping the correct word matched to the correct definition is more challenging. That is a bit discouraging. Yet kind of cool to because I get to see what it is like to utilize disability services. Not that this is necessarily cool by definition but to gain understanding and apathy I think is a gift that I can be grateful to obtain. 

My mind is also... too... yes, maybe just too. 

As I read I make connections and I see the flaws as I think like a scientist, so many errors exaggerated so often in the science of psychology. 

and somehow, "don't try to solve this" is the command whose opposite is now my life's purpose... further nurtured by soooo many, "you will help so many people." and even more by the, "You already have"s Which I am immensely grateful for... 

but also tearful because I know it is an almost impossible task, especially since I have no ins, no connections that will help me substantially with my goal. And I have lived enough and done enough within many environments to know that those ins and connections are especially crucial for lofty goals such as mine...

... tears well again.

and my heart and mind are in conflict again knowing how much I know and have lived through and how much I really could help others if only given the chance... But the very things that make me a valuable contributor to the world of psychology are the exact same things that I am discriminated and misjudged for... and it hurts so much... and my heart hurts so much for the so many people that have also been used and abused by the-rapists of their souls who hide behind their credentials and claim therapists. 

And they don't care. 

It is clearly evident that Dr. He does not care about the harm he caused me and the damage he did. He does not care that he recklessly endangered my life. He does not care that his games still haunt me and burden my soul. 

And Ms. Reddy does not care. She does not care that she carelessly and/or ignorantly endangered my life from the beginning and multiple times along the way as she feigned care. 

What exactly did I stumble across?  Ms. Jodi, who was supposed to be my advocate, how the hell does she even sleep at night doing what she does? Evidence of greater deviance from within. It just does not make any sense at all what happened to me and why... I can give so many explanations, I can solve this a million times in a million different ways but ultimately the lack of humanity and human dignity and the complete disregard for me... that eats me up again and again.

Second class.

Prime target for grooming.

these things that put me there make it so much harder to take. At least now I am aware. Aware of how I made myself second class too often in my life and aware of how I have established too many relationships with people who reinforce my negative core misconceptions of myself. So I am purging... purging people from my life that do not value me, treat me as second class, and interpret their projections of their own flaws and shortcomings as my flaws and shortcomings... But this loss of relationships is hard and very lonely. And I have to leave family behind as I move forward in developing me... 

Even though I still love

and I still want to believe in others and their ability to change their relationship and perceptions of me...

I still want to believe when they say that they care even when all evidence suggests otherwise...

It hurts and is lonely... and it becomes challenging to know how to proceed with making new connections. 

And I hate him.... so much... because I really genuinely care for a person that values me at nothing...and I have to report.... or something... but still I want to believe and give him a chance because I am in love with the potential and the ideals that everyone else knows is never going to happen... Be very careful now, when I say this please do not misinterpret nor mistake what I mean, and to ensure that you don't I will clarify yet again: the ideals and potential that I am in love with are the validating and assisting in each others life work for the improvements of psychology, TBI treatment, and humanity in general. Just think how beneficial the outcomes could be if he would be honest and allow the conversations on countertransference, how it effected him, how he was expected to handle it, his fears, his realities, his handling. His honest reflections and honest feelings vocalized for me to process. His undoing of his misguided (or manipulative) words that keep something deeper in me locked in a constant battle. Just think how much the honesty of providers could help the clients they have cared (or feigned care) for instead of hurting through abandonment and isolation, blaming and shaming with no allowance of honest, fair playing field, discussions -reinforcements of the pain and shame of so many previous abandonments. Think of the benefits they could gain if I were allowed to explain what was really going on with me in light of head injury and how that effected everything, possibly even the feelings he had implied for me. Or even how we might turn tables of deviance by making him the hero of countertransference... Think how they could utilize the terms and tools of what has helped me be a success in handling so many aspects of TBI and mental illness... such a success that even they, the professionals, were unsure what I was and how to handle me because I was not manifesting according to data. Think of how much more we could help those with TBI if, instead of punishing me, they embraced -by utilizing me, the outlier to the statistics that suggest I should be much more worse off than I am.

But that is the ideal and not the real world that we live in and I am somehow supposed to give up and let go of those dreams... 

when so much of cultural conditions says to hold tight and keep dreaming those dreams. 

Cinderella, so sweet and never loosing her delusions of the life that realistically would never happen. 

... and even in the first chapter of my book of psychology they celebrate Mary Whiton Calkins, the cinderella of psychology... 

SO... what is a girl to do when she has a scientist's mind and a heart that wants to believe in the good of humanity and even of Goliath himself?  

David will take him down in one shot with his slingshot, but Erica would try to make friends with him instead. She'd appreciate his stature, his talents and skills, and his commitment to his people.  She'd communicate her hopes of reconciling the parties at war for the benefit of all instead of just those who have power over the others. 

...Power, money and prestige... oh how people fight to defend those... All the way to the death even of the innocent who don't stand a chance and in reality could add to their power... if they were unified in a common purpose and goal. 

... maybe that is really what it all boils down to. Do we have a common purpose and goal? Yes or no? 

"you already have done insanely hard things to prove a point," says Dr. She to me just now after I tell her that Dr. He's voice commanding me, "I told you not to try and solve this," is now my motivation to do exactly that; solve this. Not just for me but for every other person who has been hurt by therapists in similar ways.

She says I will succeed and I am glad I have her vote of confidence. We all need someone to believe in us. 

back in the saddle again...

 "You can do it but it's going to be really hard for you," says Dr. She.

"Well what the hell else am I going to do?" I say, "Everything is going to be hard for me. Any full time job is going to be hard for me. I'd think it will be easier to do something I really care about and feel like I need to do than just take some crappy easy job that will still make me just as tired." Or something to that effect.

Dr. She is telling me this because she wants me to be realistic and she does not want me going into only to be devastated due to unrealistic expectations of myself... 

I am already glad she warned me. My first pretest, you only get credit if you finish and I did not. I am too slow at reading and a lot of this is new or detailed information using semantics that I am not as familiar with. My head feels tight and tired. This is really hard. 

I know that some of it is just from being out of practice with this level of academia but some of it is new and exacerbated effects of TBI... it has never been quite like this...

This is hard. 

This is really hard...