Hold on tight, it's a wild ride, that we all would rather hide... which is exactly why we should not!

 Time to blah blah blog again. Vomit. Of mental processing and emotions. 

Vomit because that is what I feel like doing whenever I go back and read My Self Discovery Report, written in the days of my manic probation... 

I want to vomit because I was sick. Literally sick. Broken brain in more ways than none as my previous diagnosis suggested. Broken and crying for help again and again while my symptoms were being disregarded, dismissed, downplayed, and ignored all because Dr. He, the man who either caused it, contributed to it, and/or (at very least) should have caught it and helped me get appropriate help and care, was worried about covering his ass because he had made mistakes and/or he just might be a grooming psychologist. At very least, "he played with fire" according to most, if not all, of the professionals I have spoken with since.  

He plays with his patients. 

and the result is shit like this taken from My Self Discovery Report, written on 11/20/2018: 

 "7:36 am: I had to take olanzapine. Because this surging of chemistry is becoming too much to bare and I am feeling as though we are either a deeply connected soul mates who will only suffer if we deny the connection or that I am truly mentally ill, on the verge of a break, and I am working hard to keep it in check."

Can you see why I feel like vomiting? Can you see Why it is so damn disturbing that they dismissed and denied the mania? 

I even tried to share these insane processings with him. I had it all printed so he would not miss it. I had sent emails because I needed it to not be missed. 

This kind of breaking is hard to manage PERIOD. Imagine then if the professionals, the ones who are trained to know, are telling you that you did not break, you were not manic... then that means they are saying that intensely deep connection is real...>insert vomiting emoji<

It is no surprise to me that Lori Vallow Daybell went crazy enough to do, and be party to, all the insane things she did after she was documented to be "just fine" by the psychologist that evaluated her after her ex-husband fought to have her evaluated. The ex husband -who she later had her brother kill- the brother who then later died of a "heart attack" though he was in his thirties. No doubt she was diagnosed as "fine" because the assessing providers do not recognize their own bias and ignorance. 

Our providers need to stop with their stigmatizing and biases. Smart, attractive people can become mentally ill. Mental illness is not exclusive nor is it a respecter of status, intelligence, success, etc. And people who have mental illnesses are not immediately, obviously, or completely out of control. We can manage through a lot and for a very long time. But beware of what is being fed in the mentally ill mind. With stigmas, prejudice, judgements and misconceptions being what they are, more often than not the immortal manic minds are being fed an overwhelmingly negative and detrimental diet of ideas and treatments. 

...sigh...

And I will expose what I was, because what I was, was not okay but striving to be... and doing so with a whole lot of opposition and outright betrayal from those that had been sanctioned to be my champions!

Maybe I am more intelligent than doctors and maybe I actually know better than they do.... At very least I deserve to be commended because I actually made it through that shit! 

Without any suicide attempts

 or hospitalizations

 and family still in tact.

 No small feat, thank you very much!

 In all honesty and humility, I find the statement from my writings extremely embarrassing and I would rather keep that sh*# hidden, but I am not going to. I am rebelling and I am speaking out, because this kind of crap, that I endured, I am learning more and more is FAR TOO COMMON and happening to sweet and tender people that have endured far worse than I have. And that is NOT OKAY. 

I will not hide. I will not be quiet about it. I will keep getting back up and I will keep speaking. I will work and I will fight and I will not quit until real changes that actually help and protect patients happen.  

I will keep working to be the change I wish to see in the world. 

The Perceptive Intuit

When I was in jr. high and high school the last day was yearbook signing. You would pass your yearbook around and people would write nice things and sign their name. I am not sure if this is still a thing. I wish it were everywhere the way it was in my high school, because then, if ever you need a reminder of who you really are, you can go back to your high school yearbook and read what people wrote about you. 

I don't know how I ever became as broken as I was when so many great people liked me as well as they did in high school. 

"I love to talk to you because you are so thoughtful and sincere," were the exact words from one casual friend but also a common theme in many of the comments. 

I am grateful for those friends and classmates.

I was also told, by boys, that I was attractive more times than I ever would have guessed... And this makes me also wonder why my perceptions of my attractiveness were so low. 

Perceptions are weird. And how we perceive ourselves can be so distorted by so many factors. How we perceive others can also be. 

...and maybe this is a segue into the thoughts I have had about TBI and the silver linings of it...

"You are very intuitive," says Dr. He, and I am, but I don't think he fully understood what was happening and why. 

The very condition that brought me to him is what is catching him in his games, deception and/or the mistakes of a broken man who has lost objectivity. 

I am intelligent. I always have been. I have really good genes for intellect. In elementary school I was invited to be in a "gifted and talented" class for accelerated learners. I felt like it was a good thing for me because school was very easy and I was rarely challenged in the regular classroom. The program I attended was from 4th to 6th grade, after that we were are dispersed back into our regular boundary junior high schools. 

Midway through my 7th grade year is when I took that first blow to my head. The one that we know bled about the size of a quarter on the left side as seen by CT scan. 

The rest of that school year I struggled in school. Truthfully, I was a bit too out of it to even know that I was struggling. However I do know school most certainly became more challenging in ways and more than I realized then. However, since I still had above average intelligence, after that school year, people did not catch on to my issues and I was not given any form of added assistance. I had to figure out a lot of things on my own. Good thing I am smart.

Actually I am not sure what it is in me that helped me figure things out as well as I did on my own but according to the documented observations of my peers as found in my yearbooks, I was "determined." Which is so cool that they noticed that about me because I didn't. It is just how I was. I also earned the nickname of Tenacious at one point, so I must have been.

So being determined and tenacious I learned some pretty good tricks and one of those was intuition.

A theory: After TBI my brain did not work the same. It couldn't since part of it was gone. So I had to adapt and my brain had to find and establish new neuro-pathways. I believe intuition was one of those.  I often could not remember what I needed when I needed it -like on tests- but I found that if I relaxed my mind and went with my gut, more often than not I would get the correct answer. So even though I could not recall the information the same I could trust my intuition to help me. I am not sure when exactly it clicked but it is something that I realized and then utilized. And I still do.

Another silver lining to my broken brain: 

Remember that I have said, "I know what it is like to be me and not me at the same time" And that TBI has effected mood stability. 

I also learned from sources like the book, "A Parents Guide to Gifted Children" that highly intelligent people can be more sensitive to nuances and injustices. I was in that boat even before the TBI. 

Add that to TBI locations that effect mood stability, language recall, impulse control, and other such things, and you get a person who can be rather psychologically sensitive. 

I'll try to explain.

We are all influenced by our surroundings and situations. We are influenced by all that we are exposed and subjected to. Whether it be school, television, family, whatever. Sometimes we call it "culture" sometimes we call it "entertainment" or "religion" etc. Sometimes we want to believe that we are not effected at all. But I am effected much more obviously due to those areas of my brain being damaged. Thus my polarity is much more obvious. I also have a healthy imagination and I may be a bit of a visionary idealist. So when I watch a feel good movie I can be moved to mania, or rather hypo-mania. And if I am subjected to bad things it is very clear, very fast, how bad they really are because of how they effect me. My mind and body will rebel and repel and/or I will go dark real fast. It is then very easy for me to see that things like pornography are not just wrong but evil. 

Because I have to be so much more careful about what I allow in, in order to maintain balance, I actually have a huge advantage to understanding and knowing when external things are out of balance and unhealthy. 

-I believe this is why I am so frequently regarded as perceptive and intuitive. -

It is much easier for me to avoid "slippery slopes" and the sneaky subliminals that we are bombarded with everyday. Ulterior motives, smoke in the glass, contradictions, hypocrisies, and conspiracies become much easier to spot simply because of how my body very obviously responds. I'll spot them and point them out before I even know I am. 

Yet, because I know what it is like to be me and not me at the same time, I think I am much more forgiving than people understand. I am also much more open to conversation about it, and not nearly as intimidating as my emotions might project. I can be passionately angry or excited and that seems to scare people, yet I am so often the bridge spanning the gap because I can calm and connect both sides with forgiveness and compassion. Maybe because I know how desperately we all need that. 

Dear Intermountain Neuroscience Institute,

Try me. 

Step out onto this bridge. You have built and prepared your defenses well so you are already anchored with ropes and harnesses. You have the wings and the power to use them, you have the safety nets, emergency parachutes, and life preservers in the event that a bridge is not solid and falls out beneath you. You have nothing to fear except fear itself so stop hiding, stop shaming, and step out. Be what you proclaim and profess to be. 

There are so many people that need someone like you to be the heroes people like you are not being because of irrational fears and misconceptions. Please be the heroes you are meant to be not the cowards and deceivers too many in your positions of power currently are. 

You have nothing to lose 

but all of us have a whole lot to gain.

In the Arms of an Angel

Sometimes still, emotions overwhelm me. I try not to burden my kids with them but I also don't try to hide them and pretend like I am okay. That burdens them in an entirely different way that they don't understand and may blame themselves for. So when I am hit they often see it.
Sometimes we talk about it. And sometimes that is good because they are so sweet, they have insight, and it helps them knowing they are helping someone else.
Today, I was once again hit hard by the realities... and I swear they have hit me a thousand times in a thousand different ways ...leading me to believe I've already got it solved and have worked through all the possible emotions, yet I am still being hit in knew ways even by old revelations. Part of the reason for this is that now I am actually strong enough to see and accept the truths and realities of what was happening and how I was being handled.
Today I had a conversation with my son. I am so sorry and sickened by the feelings I had for a man that broke me and then set me up.
I am sickened by the reality that I was trying to protect him when he was actually doing things to intentionally set me up and make me look bad. When he held all the cards and had all the power he built a fictitious illusion of me and then made sure to document it in my medical records so that later he could accuse me of stalking when I was actually trying to get help while trying to protect him...
My son.
My 14 year old son.
What a beautiful person.
I share a bit of why I am breaking into tears, again, today after having to look through my records in an attempt to get things sorted and fixed -which is proving to be an impossible task because they hold all of the card and they have all of the power.
My son calmly and intelligently tells me about how power hungry and corrupt people can be. He is 14.
We are not overly religious and have stepped back from religion lately. But I am spiritual and I feel concern that I may not be doing a very good job of helping my kids connect with their higher selves, a higher power, and a higher purpose. I mention something about why it is so important to live a Christ centered life, or at least keep him in our hearts.
My son surprises me as he tells me about heaven. He tells me that I will go there automatically because of how I loved and tried to protect those that were causing me harm. He says I have proved myself.
What a beautiful thing to say and the way he did; which was much better then I can and am reiterating. I am so grateful for him. I don't know if he is right and I likely still have plenty of time to progress or digress into either side of my own duality, but on some level I know that he is correct and my very tender heart is taking comfort in knowing that my tenderhearted human peers that have been heartbroken and betrayed by those they love, forgive and try to protect will ultimately find peace and reprieve in the company of the angels that are looking over us and helping us even when we have forgotten them. And in the company of true angels that we already know here, like my son, my daughter, Renée, CP, and so many others...
And today I thank God and Christ for their redeeming grace and for sending Their love to and through my son. And I hope that others may feel that same love coming to and through me because it is meant for them as well.
"Alone we can do so little. Together we can do so much"
-Helen Keller
In the Arms of an Angel - Sarah McLachlan

Ringing Reminders

Sometimes I just wish the ringing in my ear would stop.
Sometimes it does, but only for about 25% of my awake time. I usually can ignore it, but that does not make it go away. I have not been able to associate anything to the times when it stops, like sleep, exercise, etc. it seems to be very random.
And at times when I would like to believe that I am fine and healed, it is like the nagging internal voice of reason constantly reminding me "see, I told you so, I told you there was more going on with your brain than just a concussion."
It annoys me. I want to punch it.
But I'm sure you see why that would not be very helpful.

Isolation

Isolation is really bad for mental health and yet that is exactly how our communities, society, culture and individuals (and even ourselves) seem to respond to people when they are having mental health problems. 
When will we ever learn? Will we ever learn?
The people of Brazil, at least communities we encountered in Rio, handle it differently and it seems to be much more effective and fair:
https://amicrazy2.blogspot.com/2020/02/redefining-crazy.html

Arguing Both sides part 2

I am fighting my brain today.
And my emotions.
This is why I am saying goodbye to arguing both sides. The laws are stacked too heavily in favor of the medical institutions and providers for the way I was treated to ever be okay.
Especially because the reality of my condition was very difficult to manage and the realities of my decreased abilities are extremely difficult to accept.
Limitations that are so discouraging.
Losses I have to grieve.
...
Maybe that is what today is; grieving.
I'm battling my brain...that feels survivor guilt and the realities of limitations and losses.

"Life is Pain" Says the Dread Pirate Roberts, who happens to be Wesley.

Grief is not a straight path. It is never over when we think it is.
But worse than that is the TBI consequences. The reality of mood instability. The new and added difficulties with focussing. The impatience and irritability even when I am not irritable or impatient. The expectations that I just can't meet. How hard it can be to process new information. How reading has become difficult. Aging beyond my years.
"You do require more sleep" and "even something as simple as bonking your head on the refrigerator door will cause you significant problems"
There is great power in knowing. There is validation and hope that comes with proper diagnosis. But I suppose that does not entirely take away the reality of the problems you face and the losses you have to grieve.
And no-one who has not been through it themselves can ever fully understand the powerful, profound, and unfair effects being terminated and discarded by a therapist due to countertransference has on a person., especially when you are experiencing transference. If this is simply how it is  handled then that is terrible, abusive, and the system needs to be changed.
Follow that with what happened to me and, Nope, there is no more arguing for the other side.  Doing so I am not being fair or kind to myself.
I am a victim whether I like it or not... and I do not like it, nor do I want to accept it. But
Justifying and excusing them only further victimizes me. There was no good reason for it, especially since they were paid to help and protect me.
I will be strong again and I will keep fighting.
But today I am grieving.
And giving credit where credit is due. To me and my kids and my husband
and to others that have helped me out of that bottomless abyss.

Keep on Keeping on

Yesterday was an easy rough day.

I had physical therapy for my hand at 8:30 am which meant I had to get up at a reasonable time. That is difficult due to medication. Also I did not get to bed early enough nor did I sleep well enough and that did not help. 

Hand physical therapy is always surprisingly exhausting. The myofascial release techniques that Hand Whisperer uses are especially interesting in how I can feel it in my brain. Often my eyelids and head feel heavy and droopy from it. 

Then I got to talk with a parent of a student I work with. It was a good conversation, nothing stressful. 

After that I took my son to his physical therapy appointment. I have developed a casual friendship with one of the ladies that works there so we chatted for a bit. Then I went for a walk/run, while my son was busy with therapy. 

I have not been running as regularly. Mainly because my hip acts up when I do and it bums me out. But yesterday I ran, tackling some hills and while it did feel good the hip did not like it.

Upon returning to collect my son, his therapist gave me an updated and we chatted about that for a bit.

Then it was home and I had intention to get stuff done. 

However, by then, my head was starting to low hurt which means my brain needed a break. 

I debated on what to do for a brain break to settle my head. I considered a nap because that seems to be the most effective but I really don't want to be so reliant on naps and painting sounded satisfying. Knowing that head aches usually require the more effective break to turn things around most efficiently I figured I'd laid down. But I did not fall asleep instantly so I decided it meant I needed to paint.

Unfortunately the mild headache never went away. 

I managed to get things done, chat with a friend and update a sister over the phone, but the more difficult tasks, once again, went undone. 

This is one of the effects of TBI that really bothers me. I cognitively tire out so quickly. And then it becomes even more difficult to process reading, new information, what people are saying, etc. 

I am extremely lucky that I do not have to work a regular job and that I have been able to take time to heal. I am very grateful for how my husband provides for our family. He has carried us in so many ways lately. I feel bad for those who do not have these same luxuries. Yet, it is still quite disgruntling to be faced with just how much of a deficit I am running on these days and is can make it extremely difficult to find the motivation to keep working towards goals and aspirations especially when your efforts now require so much more effort and yet have gone largely unnoticed, very misunderstood, unsupported, and you feel powerless to make changes where you know they really need to happen.

Sooo... here I am again, blogging it out... Or am I procrastinating?

So much in my head, so much that I know, with nowhere to go with it but here. 

And of course this (the last statement) is not entirely true and I will keep working toward changes I wish to see in this weird wild world that we live in. 

And I will keep hoping I might help others in some small way through my honest blogging of the realities we face as we sort our tragedies and traumas in an effort to gain better psychological health.