Arguing Both Sides: Part 1 The Magnificent Masterminds of the Medical Malpractice Model

Even still my solving brain continues. I may be slower than I used to be and maybe others have already figured this out from my story but my stable processing brain -that is still trying to figure out what my responsibilities are, how hard I want to keep working to solve in a way that eases my mind and consciences and helps in an overarching way- and my mind that now craves some level of justice [preferably through reform] has recently had an epiphany.

An epiphany, that looks more like a puzzle that is finally coming together to reveal the secret of the whole picture that was hidden in plain sight within all of the small and scattered individual puzzle pieces.

The epiphany that came when I considered writing a letter myself to the attorney that claims to be representing a few of the IHC individuals and the Neuroscience Institute. 

The Epiphany that told me this would be a bad idea 

and here is why:

That lawyer does not care about me. He, very likely, does not care about them either. He most likely cares about his pay check and probably his ego too, and listening to me in a way that will help me (and them) is not in the best interest of his paycheck. Not only that but -and I may be going out on a limb here- I’m guessing he makes more $ the harder he has to work to defend the medical providers he works for. …

… ?!?!!!!

Flashbacks:

•   "I could loose my license because of you," says Dr. He but I do not understand because I know I had done nothing to make that true and I know the threat is not coming from me. He could not loose it because of me unless I pursued some serious actions to make that happen and I had not desire or intention to do that ever. It did not make sense. So my possible fallacy was thinking the threat must be from IHC. After all he had also said "you don't know the other side of things."

• Friend who has been a nurse for IHC for years is explaining their policies and how they are trained, [or conditioned] to handle mistakes if they make them, “If we make a mistake we are not supposed to talk to the person. We have to deny it because of all of the frivolous lawsuits...”

• Another friend who has worked at a non IHC hospital for years, “… they can’t admit they made a mistake and they are especially not allowed to talk to the patient about it if they did because of all the frivolous lawsuits.”
• Others who have repeated similar reports of how they are expected to handle mistakes.
• My discoveries time and time again and being told by attorneys and others about "Torte Reform" and how "the laws are stacked in their favor." Reading the Utah Malpractice Act and seeing just how heavily they really are stacked in their favor and how heavy our politicians have made the Burden of Proof on patients and their families - patients that are already suffering physically and psychologically from conditions that led them to the medical providers in the first place and that the medical providers have then made worse.
• The many conversations with my Attorney friend in which he has explained that there has been significant studies and research that proves there are significantly less lawsuits when doctors admit they made a mistake and work with the patient to correct the problem.
• This information, found here https://www.dkowlaw.com/practice-areas/medical-malpractice, that states:

“The American Association for Justice summarizes the findings from key peer-reviewed sources on the extent of medical malpractice and medical errors:
-Some 440,000 patients die every year from preventable medical errors. [Journal of Patient Safety]
-Preventable medical errors cost our country tens of billions of dollars a year. [Institute of Medicine]
-One in three patients who are admitted to the hospital will experience a medical error. [Health Affairs]
-Studies of wrong site, wrong surgery, wrong patient procedures show that “never events” are happening at an alarming rate of up to 40 times per week in U.S. hospitals. [Archives of Surgery]
-Medical negligence lawsuits amount to just one-half of one percent of all health care costs. [Congressional Budget Office]
-Medical negligence cases represent well under 2 percent of all civil cases. [National Center for State Courts]
-Researchers at Harvard University found that 97 percent of cases were meritorious, concluding, “Portraits of a malpractice system that is stricken with frivolous litigation are overblown.” [New England Journal of Medicine]”  I wonder, of those 3% of non-meritorious lawsuits how many won? And how many of the meritorious medical negligence cases how many of those actually won?

• My thoughts time and time again of, “What exactly have I stumbled onto here?” as the cover ups, mistreatment, and refusals to clarify and talk with me continued despite my best efforts to help them understand I was “just trying to figure out what was going on with my head.”
•  "they are setting you up" pointed out to me, by family members that work within/for two of The Systems.
• The warnings Dr. She has given me about “what they will put you through” coupled with her observations of them and me, and her hope that I am strong enough to fight this battle and to seek justice, but her careful and very limited encouragement for going the "legal route."
• "I have the power to check that box," said by a medical provider as a threat to my friend who had been abused and betrayed and who had already lost so much and not been protected by the Legal System.
• How people are terrified to be on the wrong side of IHC.
• Dr. Tangled, who was, "not afraid to report," until it came right down to it and coincidentally after she "poured over my medical records." It is worth noting that one of her own had also misdiagnosed me, even before the Neuroscience Institute had.
• this article: The Missing Victims of Healthcare Fraud
• https://amicrazy2.blogspot.com/2019/01/my-scarlet-letter.html

...
Sooo many pieces to this perplexing puzzle….

And I see, very clearly, a very significant part of what was and has been happening to the other side of this story that has led to such a debacle of me.

The attorneys. The high powered, best of the best, clever and articulate, well paid attorneys that work for the hospitals and medical powerhouses.

The attorneys that know the Systems and how to work them best of all. The attorneys that know how to debate and know how to cunningly convince people to support their position regardless of right or wrong.

Is it they who have the medical providers eating out of their dirty little palms; seeking protection, from the fallacies of their own thinking that were inception style planted and then nurtured by those sneaky experts who imposingly and imperiously fed those fallacies to them in the first place? Those Medical providers, Now slaves, to their fictitious fears that are fed by the Masters from the fattened flesh of their own ever increasing attorney fabricated fallouts and fallacies.

Maybe I need to state this more clearly.

The attorneys that are paid significant amounts of money to protect medical providers are very likely the same people that train them on “how to protect yourself from malpractice suits,” when there really is no need for this or, at very least, training and policies need to drastically change because the laws are written to the degree of "no need to worry about malpractice suits.” It seems the actual medical providers do not know or understand how well the laws  are stacked so heavily in their favor that a suit against them is virtually impossible for a patient to win no matter how bad, frequent and obvious the malpractice is. Heck, nearly impossible to even find someone to try and represent you for arbitration.
Are their attorneys the the tale spinning masterminds that have your medical experts convinced that patients (you) are the enemy? Are they the reason providers are convinced that we, the patients, are completely unwilling to forgive or be reasonable in addressing mistakes when they are made? Are they the reasons practitioners and providers refuse to see or accept that they made a mistake? That last one may be sheer doctor ego, but I am guessing there is plenty artificial ego soothing and stroking done by their attorneys to keep them confident in their continued progression down the malpractice path.

I am certain they are The Ones that our providers consult when they have made a mistake. SO what advice do YOU think these Legal Experts are giving to our highly valued, beloved, and trusted providers that may have made a mistake with you?

Hmmm, When do they make money? When do they make the most? Whose best interest do they have in mind?

As long as your medical provider continues down the path of malpractice their attorneys keep getting paid. AND (my guess) the bigger, worse, or more obvious the malpractice is, the more the doctor will need the lawyer and the more $ the lawyer will make. I am sure it also strokes the egos of many to be able to say they won in an obvious case of malpractice. 

Plus IHC has the funds to outlast most of us in a court of law. 

Do you really think they are being given "legal advice" that is in the "best interest" of the patient or even in the best interest of the institution or medical providers that are currently so disproportionately protected by the laws?

So maybe, there was some innocence to my beloved betrayers after all? Maybe the manipulations were more significant elsewhere? 

And maybe our doctors are being indoctrinated to believe some very wrong and very harmful things about us, their patients, just so attorneys can collect the big bucks by preying on fears and fallacies that they, the attorneys, planted and then nurture.

Arguing Both sides: The other side part Intro

If you are following you know that I had a moment where I thought not to argue both sides, however I have learned so much through this wild ride that I would like to fully share what I have learned because I think it important for people to work together instead of against each other as much as we possibly can. I believe it a core value of mine and it is what I was trying for the entire time I was being malpractice on.
So I will argue both sides, which is really an understatement because there are likely far more than two sides to this story which may just be why it became so convoluted when both sides were trying to find a simple or overly simplified solution to a multifaceted problem that is far bigger than just me and my problems.
In other words: this arguing both sides will likely need to be a series (or a book because) there really are so many factors effecting both sides.
To start I would like to state, for the record, I want it to be clearly understood that I know my medical providers made mistakes with me. And not just one, but many.
I believe the providers at the Neuroscience Institute made the biggest and most dangerous mistakes and part of that is because they are considered the experts in the field, at very least they claim to be experts on concussion. Also they have all the providers I really needed there, but they did not refer me to the neurologist there. This is kind of a big deal. Especially with TBI and what I was experiencing and especially as I started manifesting even more significant evidence of possible misdiagnosis or under-diagnosis.
It is clear and their is sufficient evidence that they made mistakes early on and they made mistakes multiple times. Dr. Concussion made significant mistakes and Dr. He made significant mistakes. I first  did not think it, then I suspected it, then I came to know it. BUT even once I understood that they had in fact misdiagnosed me and made significant mistakes, I  did not feel or want either of them to loose their license or be punished for those early mistakes.
However, after going through what I have it would not be unreasonable, and honestly I believe they probably should, loose their licenses for how I was handled and treated as a result of their mistakes. I believe the entire facility should loose their licenses and credentials for continuing with malpractice, perpetuating numerous forms of harm, and working to cover things up and even to set me up to appear to be things I was not (like stalking), at any cost to me, all in the name of "protecting" themselves, which was never needed. Especially considering their positions of power over me,  how heavily the laws are stacked in their favor,  how they held all of the cards, AND especially considering how very vulnerable I was. 
The only person that needed protection was me.
The only institution that needed protection was my family.
But we did not matter.
....Now you might be thinking, "this does not seem like arguing the other side" and you are correct, so far I am not. In fact my emotions are starting to rise again as I try to reiterate what I tried to tell them a million times, that I had no interest in hiring a lawyer, I was not trying to get anyone into trouble, but that I was just trying to figure out what was going on with my head.
And I will be honest it is very difficult for me to argue the other side devoid of emotion. I will also be honest and tell you that when I try to, as I am now, I find the anger surge because the injustices are so clearly wrong and even so simplistically stupid that it becomes infuriating that these intelligent doctors and professionals are so indoctrinated in their fallacies and errors of thinking that they would act so malevolently toward a person as broken and vulnerable as I was.
Flashback: "I am okay with being wrong," he tells me after I proclaim rather cheerily "I think you are wrong." Myself referring to how things were ending as he was terminating and I was leaving, once again mistakenly empowered by his eluding to countertransference and the dismissing of mania. I did not fully understand what he was wrong about or how wrong he really was, but I knew something was wrong and I knew he was wrong about me in some way. The super powers of mania really are quite spectacular and real to some extent -which is part of why it can be so difficult for people who have experienced it to loose those and be okay with letting them go.
Flash forward again:  He was and is clearly wrong and it is not okay or fair to be so wrong about me and then spread those errors to a damaging and defamatory degree all while I really was dealing with so many things like PSTD, mania, and a physically broken brain.
... derailed now, I will confess in my effort to once again give them some sort of benefit of the doubt and show how the corrections could easily be made it is hard not to become triggered, to feel superior, or to loose increasing faith in humanity because they absolutely and stubbornly with no regard for me (their former patient, ally and advocate, even their former number one fan) refuse to even discuss the matter with me.
Sooo it seems, my first attempt to argue the other side, turned into something else. I do hope you can see and understand why. But staying true to letting it be, the processing, even when not so pretty, and rather honest and raw, I will let this be... and call it my Intro.

Inception - A Movie Review

A little while back my daughter wanted me to watch the movie  Inception with her. It’s been awhile and I’d forgotten that I had seen it before.
It’s an interesting concept; breaking into people’s brains to retrieve memories and information. There is a lot I could say about the movie but I’m going to keep this short.
My favorite observation about this move is how they plant the idea and convince the audience that the inception of ideas that can lead to desired outcomes (or different outcomes) is difficult. The creators of this move flatter their audiences into believing that humans are not so easily swayed and manipulated, which then makes their influence that much more powerful while being less detectable.
It’s very fascinating to me how easily influenced and deceived people are all the while believing that it’s their own unique thoughts, or that their perception is entirely their own and cannot be not easily changes.
From what I’ve observed it seems, if people are not aware of how fallible their thoughts and brains can be than their brains are much more easily influenced by others. And more often than not they are easily influenced by people who are looking to gain some form of power or control. Or money.
Inception is Hollywood’s super power.
And lawyers. They are very good at influencing people through the inception of ideas that greatly benefit them.

Back on Track

Back on track.
I really appreciate how I am able to get back on track so much more easily now. I am grateful and happy to say that it is much easier to turn my thinking around.
Today I had a follow up with psychiatric PA. It has been three "inadvertent" months, and I was happy to report that I am good and have been good. It was a bit bitter sweet though  because, I'll admit ,I have kind of missed seeing her so regularly. So while it is good I don't need to see her so frequently I am also sad I don't get to see her more frequently.
And even this makes me happy because I am just that, happy.
I take hits and I have found myself awkwardly responding to gestures of friendship, evidence of just how much I have been scarred by friends through this journey of mine. It surprises me because I think I am "recovered" only to find that I don't know how to have friends anymore.
Oh well.
I'll keep working on it.
And this is really why I am coming on here today at all, because my anger and hurt that fueled my triggered processing the other day threatened to isolate me again by allowing the pain of those that have been not so kind, not so fair, and not so available (at all) to override all the good that I have experienced from people.
I will be honest and say that the overwhelming response has been generally apathetic when I really did need help and support and some of the things people have said and done and ways I have been treated have been really shocking, but that (and they) matter far less than those that have helped.
Like my psychiatric PA. I am so grateful for her.
As part of her assessments she asked about things I am already forgetting about, like the suicidal thoughts. It felt so good to report that they are pretty much gone and I didn't even cry when I noted that occasionally they will try to gain an audience but they yield no power anymore.
I did, however, tear up as we talked about how I was before. It has been almost a year since I started seeing her. She comments on how she cannot believe they expected me and left me to try and schedule all these appointments on my own when I was in the mental state I was in and considering TBI. (they being those pesky previous providers at the Neuroscience Institute and even other doctors that I did not and do not think are pesky). She felt they should have done the type of referrals where the new facility or doctor calls you to schedule. They absolutely should have.
PA is impressed that I managed. I remember Dr. She saying something similar at a much earlier stage in our relationship; she said she was surprised and impressed that I would even return to a therapist at all.
With PA, I tear up when I once again realize that she and Dr. She very literally saved my life.
It is surprising and some will think that it means something like, "well maybe it wasn't really that bad," to which I will say, please remember I loved and trusted the people at the Neuroscience Institute and I wanted nothing more than to have things reconciled and to have them work with me to understand what the hell was going on with my head, and this is exactly why it was sooo bad, how they treated and betrayed me, but the real cold hard truth of the matter is I was in the most difficult and bizarre fight for my life and I was determined not to give up. I wanted to be better. I wanted to live. I knew that what I was experiencing was not right and my brain and body were fading and they were fading bad. It was progressing rather quickly and I did not have much time left. I was loosing ground. I would not have lasted much longer. Plain and simple.
I don't know how it would have ended. I really have no idea. But my light was dying, my energy was fading, insanity or whatever it was, was winning and I was dying.
I knew that. And I know that. And that is the only reason why I somehow managed to get those appointments set and to get there. People have no idea how hard it really was just to find the courage to call.
But those realities, and that truth, when your life is hanging in the limbs, that keeps you fighting harder than you really are capable of. If my state of health had not been as bad as it really was, I would not have done any of it. I very well might have turned bitter and jaded. I may have deteriorated more slowly. I don't know but I am confident that one of the great ironies or paradoxes of my situation was that I had to fight harder then I was capable of in oder to save my self.
And back to,
the following through
with giving credit where credit is due:
It was also likely due to the few who showed concern at all that I was able to keep at it. My kids. My husband. My aunt and uncle who were the only people to respond to my facebook plea, after my ankle surgery, when I said I needed visitors. My physical therapist, Doug, and a few people I had the pleasure to interact with there. My friend CP who, when I told her I was hurt but that I knew it was likely because I was extra sensitive to rejection at that time, she apologized and asked me what was going on. She made sure she was extra sensitive to me. My sister who, despite some misunderstandings, kept occasionally checking on me and actually asked how I was doing. Another sister who, though she is far and forgets often, actually called the patient advocate and tried to help me. Bob, who kept checking up on my blog and actually checked in on me occasionally, a few others I worked with, that have been continuously kind. My boss at the new job I had (and had to leave) at the time I was fading that kept believing in me in so many little ways. People on Quora that appreciated my answers and insight.
This is how I am a success, I appreciate the little things and see the good even when I am hurting and fading. I keep working to come back to those. And it gets easier and easier. Now I am getting better at letting go of "bad" friends and people who are not so healthy to be around. I can still hurt but I know it is not me and I don't have to accept being treated as second class.
So back to being a success story is fine by me.
A success because I define mine based on my own core values and realistic expectations.
To me I am a success if I can find joy and magic in life and if I can help others in some small way.
So I am a success pretty much everyday now. 😁 And I thank you for helping me by reading me.

Breaking, We all eventually do. Even You

So today has been rough as more harsh realities, that far too many people face, are hitting again.
I have people making me wrong again to ease their burden of conscience. I am getting very tired of that common and tragic human trait.
I am trying to gauge if some of the issues may be due to a pendulum swing in me. I am determined to be patient and kind to myself. I know I at least deserve that.
I think about being triggered yesterday and I think my emotions may be a bit heightened still from that. I have thought to delete, or "revert to draft," my post from yesterday. But I think I need to leave it to be true to the reality of wretched parts of this processing and progressing business.
I am entitled to have bad moments. My brain has to work extra hard at impulse control anyway soo I may have allowed it to not-have-to work so hard at it yesterday.
I did edit the facebook post and took off the link to the blog post... because I really do understand the harsh realities of judgments I will not escape.
As my pendulum swings, I may be too blunt and even without meaning to I am often calling people out on their shit so I probably do that too much.
Sigh...
sigh...
sigh...
I have learned so very much through this process and the harsh realities of life really are so harsh. I remember reading Viktor Frankls book and thinking, "but people are still just like this, only they mask it with their professions" and it is very disturbing.
People go along with abuse all of the time, people don't stand up or speak out when bad things are happening and the people in positions of power far too often do not care about anything other then themselves, money and power. It is very often how they got there. It sounds so cliche and we don't want to believe it but I am seeing it again and again. If you do not have significant wealth or influence you will never win no matter how wrongly you were treated and people will jump right on the bandwagon of perpetuating harm often simply because they want to align themselves with wealth and power.
I think I don't relate very well to this and it seems to cause me a lot of problems.
So when that one guy said, "I am okay with being wrong," I mostly interpreted based on my own perspective and my own innate character which is why I thought he meant something similar to things I have said about being okay with being wrong.
When I have said things like this I meant that it is okay to make mistakes and not beat yourself up over it. I have also said it in the form of, "I would rather say it and be wrong than not say it and be right," in attempt to help others from befalling a negative circumstance. Like warning others about a potential scam or like when I called my ex-brother-in-law out on his abuses and manipulations of my family member. I was right and my speaking up made a difference multiple times. I was okay with being wrong because helping someone else was more important than being comfortably right in my silence.
Renée, my sweet petite guardian angle, has said it so many times because she has lived it and seen it occurring so ridiculously frequently with TBI survivors, that "they [those who did not endure the tragedy] can't handle it [their own pain, your observations, the truth etc.] so they have to make you wrong."
Today, as I repeated what she has taught me about how people "have to make you wrong" Dr. He's words, "I am okay with being wrong," came back into my mind and I realized that he and I were not on the same page in the use of these words. Now I understood what he most likely meant - a thing that I just don't relate well enough to in order to have picked up on the very real threat he was making- that he would make me wrong, that he was okay with making mistakes and would do everything in his power to hide and cover those if he felt they threatened him and his livelihood in any way.
It seems that he meant something completely opposite of what I have used that phrase for.

Yin and Yang.
It is often so hard to see what we don't relate to.

...and I guess I do it too.
but probably far less than you do
because my brain has been cracked open
and so have I;
broken by
the realities of insanity.
I at least know the limitations of my stability
and the delusions of my illusions
Do you?
Not many do
when lateral, efficient, undisturbed, un-traumatized thinking has always worked for them.
It's a neuroplasticity thing, you wouldn't understand
...but you can learn too 😀

And I sincerely hope you do
Because someday you will break too.
Pray it does not get the best of you
because the breakings often do.
It even has a name
We call it Death.


And now I am going to make cookies
because it has been one of those days

...and I am learning
as I continue to work on changing my negative core perceptions of myself

TRIGGERED in a BIG WAY!

https://anchor.fm/dr-timothy-speicher/episodes/Kelsey-Boyer--Professional-Snowboarder--Shares-her-Story-of-Brain-Recovery-egnbse/a-a2morjn

A friend sent me a link to this Podcast.
I start to listen
I had to stop.
I cannot believe how bad I am being triggered by this!!!! I want to type all this in caps except I know that can be annoying to read. But I have to process. I have not been triggered like this is  awhile. I did not think it was even possible anymore. but I am sick. shaky. knotted throat, crying and ANGRY!!!
I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ANGRY. I cannot escape it and it takes me a bit before I even realize what I am doing; I am irrationally pacing while my hand is trying to pound some sort of solution into my forehead...
I need to process this. I cannot listen right now. Maybe never. But
THE SHIT I WENT THROUGH IS HAPPENING TO OTHER PEOPLE!!!
I can't even listen long enough to hear how the story plays out. I am furious. AND I am so angry about the lack of support and help from friends, family and coworkers that I had. I am so angry that I had no-one speaking up for me. I am so angry that this is happening to other people like this lady and like me. It's so bad it is even happening to people who have a voice and some influence. How many more are there, like me, who are nobodies?
I am so ANGRY that the ONE place in this WHOLE DAMNED state that REALLY SHOULD KNOW BETTER IS DOING THE SAME SHIT AS the doctors who "might not know as well"
At one point her internal voice said, "your brain is bleeding" but then I hear her say, when the professionals told her she was fine she believed them.
SHE GETS IT!!!
When the "experts" tell you that you are fine you believe it even when you know you are not.
SOMEBODY ELSE GETS IT!!!!
She even "seemed fine" and passed their stupid little concussion tests well enough the way I did.
My head feels like it is going to explode now and I am both excited and terrified.
MOSTLY Terrified and also
hurt again
because I am so very alone
no matter how positive I am, no matter how much credit I give.
I have been tooo damn alone in this insane battle for my brain.
When I knew something more was happening. When the institution that could have found this and helped me through it was betraying me because I am of no significance... I was too alone
My friends and family just don't give enough of a shit to help me get the help I need.
They don't care enough to care. And many will even make me wrong just to ease their burden of conscience.
WHAT A FREAKING SHIT SHOW!
And right now, in this moment, I have to be very very careful because I want to blow up on a whole lot of people in a very big way that will only prove them right for being such shitty friends... So why the hell not?
I don't want them or need them!
....
I'm having to work real hard to talk myself out of sending a lot of angry words.
So I suppose I will tell you why the hell not: because it will always hurt and it will never satisfy. They will never care, they will never listen, they have me pegged and nothing I can do will change that. It does not matter to them that I have been literally fighting for my life, my brain, my stability, my sanity, even my family, they don't care and will not see. They will just spread more bad words and be even bigger jerks, justified no matter what I do.
But I know they are not.
And it hurts
a lot
over and over again
but I will not stoop to their level of apathy or ignorant disregard for a person who has been their friend.
Those friends are not likely to read this and if they do I doubt it will change anything but in the event that one or two might, YOUR WELCOME for not blowing up on you or being the pain in the ass you think I am or have even accused me of being. Your welcome for not pointing out how shitty it for a nurse friend that suspected mania, to say things like “I can’t believe your still talking about this” when I come to you for help as it is first  dawnsInt on my manic broken brain that I may have been being groomed and that may have been part of why I was still so screwed up and hung up on things
Your Welcome to all of you that this anger applies to for not blowing up on you and for exposing how shitty you can be.
But  if you are a friend or family that Actually does care please consider reaching out to help me fight this problem that is bigger than just me. Please lend some support where you can to help hold the Neuroscience Institute accountable and to educate the "experts" so that we, people with TBI's, can actually get the help we need before further damage is done AND so that the harm that is being caused by the medical and psychological providers stops!
...and maybe I won't be arguing both sides...  I already tried. I already tried to give them the benefit of the doubt 1000x10 times, but all they have done is use it against me.

Arguing Both Sides

So here is something I have noticed about people: They often work like pendulums, often erring too far in the opposite direction to try and compensate for mistakes they have made. Or, maybe even more common, they swing to far the other way to try and compensate for mistakes others have made that they felt had a negative effect on them. Which often, ironically, leads to the very same outcome or something at least as "bad;" sometimes even worse.
I find that I pendulum swing.
At one point I was having a conversation with my husband about how I have been so insecure and how I have far too often allowed myself to be treated as a second class citizen. I told him that I hope I don't pendulum swing too far in the other directions as I try to figure out some of these very delicate psychological, psychological, social and cultural balances. He said, "you will." the following conversation proved that he was not saying this to be snide but rather letting me know that it was to be expected, allowed and even okay. He also expressed his confidence in me and my solving skills because he knows that I'll not stay too far one way but will continue to work to find an appropriate center. This conversation meant a lot to me.
And as I allow the pendulums of me to swing I think on
This innocence thing... and Occam's razor...
*
I can honestly argue both sides and I have. But what it really seems to come down to is that the term "ethical" is treated, within the industry and from people in positions of power, as if psychologists and doctors have exclusive rights, so what ever they deem is ethical is unquestionably accepted as such regardless of whether the taken action really is ethical or not.
Truthfully, if all were playing fair and according to the spirit of their laws, (not the easily convoluted the letters of the laws), they all know I should not have been treated the way I was, blamed and shamed, or accused of "behaving inappropriately" -which, by-the-way, is also quite stupid because they also have it documented that I was not being terminated for doing anything wrong.
...and considering what I was dealing with, handling and managing through, the only thing "inappropriate" about my behavior was that I wasn't "inappropriate" enough to keep them from being able to deny what I was physiologically going through and trying to manage.
It was so convoluted. and I don't want to dig up too much, but I have some things that are running through my head again that I think are worth writing about. Some of those things point to deviant and others point to not-so-deviant.
And I wonder if there was some pendulum swinging that led to Dear Dr. He's possible deviance with me.
I know my pendulum has been all over the place and while body chemistry is not swinging so wildly anymore I still have many troubles to balance out and as I try to compartmentalize and move on some things are nagging. There are issues here that are significant and relevant to more than just me. My situation exposes problems that need to be addressed on a much larger scale than just me and my situation.  And as I try to figure out how this is to be done I feel it important to share a few of the remembered phrases that beg to be explained (not listed in order except the last):
"I do not believe in forever anymore"
"I told you not to try and solve this."
"You only see what I allow you to see."
"I could lose my license because of you"
"I wonder if sharing this [painting] with me is like exposing yourself to a lover for the first time?"
"I am not meant to be with just one woman."
"You love me?" (inflection of significance)
"I am a snake?" (inflection of significance)
"Do you want a hug?"
"I have tested your brain in ways you don't know"
"I don't do well with blurred boundaries"
"I do not need more friends"
"At least you have that outlet"
"I am good at connecting with people"
"I could never really open up and be vulnerable with you because I would always want to protect you"
"because of how easily we connected and you being an attractive woman I will never have anything to do with you outside of therapy because I could see myself falling in love with you"
"Unfortunately their is still a human element to all of this"
"Why, are you a stalker?"(inflection of significance)
"I would have to be okay with that"
"I am going to let it burn out and I suggest you do the same."
"I am okay with being wrong"
...
So many things said, this is not a complete list, and one could say, "Well taken out of context..." but they are also indications of deviance considering his knowledge and training.
Now I am going to make people uncomfortable with some common knowledge that common folks don't necessarily have but therapists do:
1. It is not uncommon for TBI survivors to become some level of promiscuous after TBI. People who work with TBI survivors know this.
2. TBI, especially in my specific locations, can affect impulse control.
3. One of the very common symptoms of mania is increased sex drive
.... And, dear friends, I have exposed enough of myself on this here blog and eluded to enough that I might has well be straightforward on this topic and openly confess that this was one of my symptoms associated with my mania. And it was intense. I am very lucky I did have an outlet. It may have even been the silver lining that saved my marriage.
I also have significant sympathy for those who have not been as fortunate as I in outlet and upbringing. I cannot even begin to imagine trying to manage that kind of hyper-arousal without a willing and able partner and solid standards and boundaries.
I believe because I was raised with strong and clear values and boundaries about sexual activity and because I do not have the psychological mess that comes with sexual abuse (that far too many girls have) my level of deviance in this area has not been very high after either TBI. My teen years were tricky, but I am proud to say I was a virgin until marriage (at the rip old age of 21) and I did not do anything sexually inappropriate with Dr. He (or any other man/person) even when the odds seemed stacked against me.
So could Dr. He, being a neuropsychologist and a psychologist/therapist before that, really have innocently said and done the things he did? Considering how he "held all the cards," was in a position of power,  knows those 3 common symptoms, implied serious attraction (slyly neither confirmed nor denied but rather implied), and he asked if I wanted a hug, aka physical contact....
...Obviously he was not innocent or he would not have been concerned about loosing his license.
 Yes, he knows better
and processing from stability makes it very clear, which also makes the avoided diagnosing, testing and treating accurately all that much more suspicious and deviant. My guess is that with my intelligence, experience, and my stability was much more threatening to them then my instability. In other words keeping me unstable made hiding their mistakes and deviance easier if I had been stable and/or stabilized. I didn't stand a chance going up against them in my instability, but in my stability I did. Does not matter that all I wanted was help in stabilizing and I was not interested in pursuing any type of action against them for their mistakes.
hmmm, the entire institution then appears to be deviant to an almost incomprehensible level, don't they?

And yet I still would give him the benefit of the doubt, had they not compromised my safety by denying mania and continuing down the path of misdiagnosis when those manic symptoms should have alerted them to what I had been trying to tell everyone all along; that there was something more going on with my head and that I felt I was manifesting better than my brain was really doing. MRI and doctors that are not trying to deny and hide have confirmed this.
But,
even still,
maybe due to the bizarre form of a Pollyanna that I am,
and having lived being me and not me due to head injury,
I know that things are often not as they seem and sometimes people really are much more innocent than they are manifesting ...
-and I even still, in spite of all that he has proven to me about how little regard he has for me, my health and my safety, I am trying to protect him and feel bad sharing so publicly the things he said that could get him into trouble, even though I know these conversations need to be had. Is it sad and silly that I would still wish to protect him and make amends with them? aah the oddities of human psychology-
sooo
My next blog entry will argue the other side
....Duhn Duhn Duhn...
to be continued...
 *PLEASE NOTE: I would rather, and I have made every reasonable effort I could to, have the following conversation with Dr. He, and the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute, however, they have not only refused to allow any conversation about this or clarification on diagnosis and prognosis, but have also retaliated by tainting my medical records, terminating me form the entire facility and have a lawyer threaten me, using false allegations, in an attempt to quiet me about what happened to me there.