Art Therapy

During therapy, Dr. Cheri encouraged me to do things that were just plain relaxing. The goal was to help my tired, push-crash-cycling, and concussed brain slow down and get the breaks it needed so it may recover more fully. One of the activities I chose to do occasionally was to paint.

Full disclosure: I am not a painter nor an artist. I do, however, like to play with paint and after a lesson from my beautiful artist sister-in-law on how to do that I have found allowing myself the freedom to explore that medium without pressure or judgement from myself or anyone else to be very therapeutic and satisfying. 

Here I will share:

The Puzzle of my Broken Brain

This first painting I painted was while early in therapy with Dr. Cheri. It may have been the first painting where I really let myself explore and be free, without much thought or care on what I was painting or the finished product. It was messy and relaxing, and I enjoyed the process. Upon completion as I looked at my painting from afar, I felt as if I had just achieved my teen and adolescent desire to open my head, dump out the mess that was inside and sort it out like a puzzle so I could understand what was happening in there. 

I shared this picture and experience with Dr. Cheri to which he replied with a comment I will not share here because, out of context, it sounds and feels very wrong. I will say this much, I figured he was testing the intimacy and my security of sharing something like this, deep inside I knew he was also testing my feelings about him; testing me for transference. My reply then, "No, that'd be way more terrifying." Later I referenced his comment in my frustrated rebuttal to what felt like his accusations of stalking when I was seeking clarification. This was the comment that female therapist I tried found so offensive but failed to ask why I had said it. 

Letting it Burn Out

 This second picture was painted when I was trying so hard to recover from the mania and the massive melt down of whatever it was that transpired in therapy. Initially I had started painting a water drop, something I had wanted to do after noticing the beauty in the shape and reflections of water drops on glass. I had started that and left it. Days later I decided to use the canvas for another therapeutic free play session. My thoughts were on "letting it burn out;" something dear Perri had shared with me on how he had resolved or would resolve himself to move on from me. (More words that hurt me deeply and have been denied in this whole ridiculous ordeal, but that he assuredly has stuck to, and I have likely helped him with, as I was burning up inside). The picture very much created itself, and though it is messy and unskilled, I love it because of all the images that seemed to come out in this very unintentional piece. In the end I did slightly enhance two figures I saw in it and somehow the water droplet remained but aside from that there were no intentional images created. I love this one. It is deep and intense to me as I achieved some artistic texture and complexity that I have no experience with.

The Scarlet Letter

This last canvas started out as a completely different mess of artistic expression and creation that I did not love. It was another exercise. Even a second attempt to let it burn out more completely. I was hoping the second attempt, a more intentional attempt to let this whole deal die out, would kill it completely. Not surprisingly, it did not work, and as I confess my thoughts I realize how silly they were; how silly it was to attempt to structure a burning out that really was about me burning out. No wonder it looked very much like an attempt at an underwater scene. Since I didn't like it much I decided to paint over it the other day. I needed the the therapeutic activity to help me relax after the two damning letters from the IHC corporation.
This final product was also very unintentional -at first. Until it became the perfect backdrop, so I added my scarlet letter L [for Liability] to see what would happen next.
In the end it was fascinating what came out in this picture. I listed it on the back and truly, if I was not accused of being a stalker and concerned that this is part of his cover-his-legal-ass plot to prevent me from winning any kind of lawsuit (something that I am now seriously considering), I would send it to dear Perri Cheri with this list of what came out:
- a box (he broke mine, or Pandora's, I can't be sure)
- the scarlet letter L, for liability, what I became to the Neuroscience Institute and Dr. Perri specifically. (Yes I am aware of how I change his name in my writing, I don't know why it happens but I don't care about this mistake so I will leave it)
- the lovely little lost "l" from the misspelled word "should." This was from his golden instructions he wrote out for me, at our last actual therapy appointment (Nov. 12th NOT the 26th)
- a buried story- covered
- lot's of covering up. the cover up and cover up and cover up. Probably why it felt like the perfect backdrop for my scarlet letter.
- a touch of gold
- a mask, only seen from afar, though it shows well in the photo.
- a totem, something he told me about, a potential tool I could use.
- and maybe some restrictive bars behind the letter L
Art therapy.
What do you see?

IHC Office of Patient Experiences Review

The Patient Experiences team with IHC , the patient advocates, their investigation process, is simply a ploy to give them a running head start with their legal team; to gather and and start compiling their case against you. A way for them to know ahead of time exactly what they need to do, and to try to  preemptively create a manipulated trail of evidence they can use against you, so that any case they plead, in defense against your complaints, is airtight.
If Dr. He, Perri Cheri, is a manipulative mastermind he is a genius who likely pursued working for this Goliath of a corporation for this very reason.

Off with her head

Close to my heart I hold the crystals we found at topaz mountain
and wearing my “bead for life” bracelet
I hope the energy of the rocks and the paper crafted jewelry will open my heart and bring clarity to my mind.
...my heart is broken
it does not hurt anymore yet it is still broken
almost empty
with only salty water remaining that's being drained through my  eyes
...and I wonder
maybe I don't need to fight to survive
maybe I can let myself die
to see what that may look and feel like
let go of everything
let my heart die
no longer to betray me or anyone else
let it go and die with it
what ever "it" is
so
I'm letting die
to see where that adventure takes me
and to see what's on the other side
I do wonder how long
this death will take

Neuroscience Institute Murray, Utah

Here we go again.
Lying awake due to games being played with me by IHC or maybe just the Neuroscience Institute in Murray, Utah. I am being so bold now as to publish the name because this is and has been so very wrong and people who may desire to go there deserve to be warned.
I am so tired but cannot sleep.
I would have been more okay but today I got a second letter from them. Sent certified $6.85. My daughter had to sign for it. (after all we have been throng with them this was upsetting to her BTW)
I thought is was a repeat from the patient advocate. the BS of the appeal. so I did not bother to look at it. but my husband did.
It's not the same. It's a termination and letting me know that I am not allowed back for treatment of any kind with the neuroscience Institute because "our clinic cannot provide the ongoing behavioral health treatment you need related to your traumatic brain injury."
The letter also informs me that Concussion Dr. will not be following through with her commitment to me to give a recommendation on a psychiatrist-psychologist team or even just a psychiatrist but rather "Your insurance company can provide resources for finding a provider to manage your ongoing behavioral health concerns, and we encourage you to reach out to them to facilitate this process."
-Oh how sweet of them.
My concerns expressed to Concussion Dr. about blindly throwing money at trying to find the "right fit" she was encouraging me to find, the reasons I was asking for her help and recommendations, are completely disregarded and now "behavioral health concerns."
The "prior undisclosed mental health issue's" that I begged to have acknowledged as they came flooding back to my memory and connected PTSD style to my previous TBI are now "behavioral health concerns" that they are incapable and incompetent of handling.
Beautiful, isn't it?
And second letter is signed by the only person they acknowledged made any mistakes and would be held accountable, which is also the person I asked not be allowed any contact with patients because of how she treated me. Why on earth would it be okay for her to be the one contacting me to confirm the frustration I expressed to Concussion Dr's assistant; that I have, in fact and reality, been ostracized by the facility?

Dear John, ... Love, God

6/11/2019 4:22am

I’ve been lying awake for some time now. Even though so many people have told me there is nothing you can do, (the giant IHC will do what they want) I am still in shock. It baffles me that they have faked so much and gone so far and accept no responsibility, will admit no wrong doing.  

As I am lying awake I think of my meme: Not Maniac? Then God really does have a message for you. 

And I think of his lack of reply when I asked “Do you think I have been here playing games with you this whole time?”

I think of how this seems to drive that final nail of evidence that he was. 

I think about his comment, “I don’t believe in forever anymore”

And of the chakra visible Yin and Yang that appeared in his office 

God's message to him through me may look something like this:

I do. and I’ll find you in forever 
but like the unicorn on your couch, you will be lost in outer darkness not believing in your own existence. 

When I find you, I’ll feel like a God to you as I pull you out of your darkness 

and As you realize your truth,

The truth that will either free us both from the lies of this situation 

Or that will burn you up. 

A burn that will ignite inside of you to the degree of Hell.

The burn that I have felt an inkling of as you lit and played with the fire of my personal chemistry. 

I was not your personal chemistry set. 
I am not a toy.

And though you helped me realize

That I am simply human and allowed to be

-That I do not wish to be a god and do not have to be-

I will feel like One to you 

as I reach for you 

and your truths are revealed.

So… will you deny my mania?

The way you have denied connection

The way you deny responsibility for the mess you know I should not be blamed for?

It’d be so much easier if I were devoid of the symptoms you deny

Then I could forget 

And I would not need to solve

But alas, the sad reality is that I am not.

And that I am not David

Though I might now go looking for him 

To bring down the Goliath that you hide behind.

So, dear friend, was I manic or not?

Or is this too deep for you the way those potentially troublesome emails were too deep for your superiors? [Now what were you so worried about? Or did you have to work to manipulate them to overlook it ...kind of like the way you manipulated me?…Hoping you could alter what I was seeing when you knew I was seeing right through you -when you knew before I did …because I am/was slow at processing new information in the time of my broken brain. Too bad I know so many tricks. Too bad I have the experience you now call “prior undisclosed”]

Will this be your reality? Or will you find God again? 

I hope you will find God, because he loves you so much more than I do.

(and only He can save you from this hell you have created)

Thor

this draft is a bit messy but I'm publishing anyway because its a good segue into the next, and this blog is about letting it come out how it will anyway.
6/9/2019 9:55 driving home
I have written about so many different things in so many different places lately and for so many different audiences that I am not sure if I have written about this here, on the blog:

“You are very intuitive” is in my head. It wants to be written about and published.

Intuition is something I had to, -or maybe not “had to” but simply- learned to, rely on as neuroplasticity was occurring in response to my young TBI.

I have said this before. Have I said it here? I could spend time looking back or I can repeat. …It is funny how we call some repetition rumination. Repetition is a very effective learning tool. In many forms we call it practice. So at what point does repetition become rumination? And at what point does what we learn, realize, observe, absorb, feel and sense become intuition?

My intuition is pretty good at this point. But so is my ability to explore possibilities. The more times one swings a hammer the more likely they are to hit the nail on the head.

Swinging the hammer?

This is a new thought…

Swinging the hammer so many times is more likely hit the nail on the head but it is also more likely to create a few holes in the wall. …
Don’t leave a hammer in the hands of an undisciplined swinging child?
Stop swinging the hammer, recenter, focus on the nail, test at close range, then again further and further as you your strike becomes more presise ? Thus driving the nail in with intention?
So many possible analogies and directions, lessons that can be learned.
Driving the nail
The final nail
…Left to drive this nail into my own coffin?
Maybe I don’t want to hit the nail on the head
Maybe take the nail out
Maybe then the swinging hard and fast is appropriate
Because in the coffin is not where I belong

If you have to drive the nail into the coffin of the child that is not dead then keep the hammer in the hands of the wild swinging child. Let them break the coffin, all on their own, when you know you can’t. when your hands are tied.
Intuition Is that you speaking?
IHC do you create coffins for the undead? Driving nails when insurance, politics and greed says to?

Swing that hammer wild child, Redirect your rumination. Use that to your advantage. -you may not be able to bring down the fort (manufacturer) but maybe you’ll bust free from the premature coffin you've been put in, before that final nail is driven.

It’s arbitrary.
End treatment
Who decides when that is wise?
Best interest
“more testing less therapy”
“slow at processing new information”
TBI
Brain fog
PTSD
Hide my vulnerabilities
Years of burying my TBI story because it is not acceptable.
Limited to 10 sessions

Do not take on what you will not treat fairly and appropriately,
you confirm that TBI and the problems associated are not only not acceptable but also not valid.
Not okay, IHC.

Triggered

The other day at work while I listened to one of the kids try to work over my boss, I was feeling things.
I was tired.
I was not involved in this conversation but it was bothering me.
Boss was handling it fine, but was he aware of how man-boy kid was trying to play on his vulnerabilities and kindness to protect himself?
Of course he was. I knew this
Why did I need this concern off my mind, maybe my chest?
I was tired and knew I needed sleep.
What was it though that was really bothering me about this situation?
For one is was becoming increasingly obvious that kid needed to be held accountable and face consequences for his actions.
But that was not really what was bothering me...
I felt worried about boss...
I genuinely did, but I also genuinely felt concern for  kid and the way kid was acting was not out of character nor was it inappropriate for his position and coming from.
So what was it that I was feeling that was bothering me?

I was feeling my own pain.
It was confusing my brain as I was witnessing this kids attempt to take advantage of, maybe even manipulate, bosses kindness and vulnerabilities to avoid the consequences of his actions.
I had been in that position before. Only I was supposed to be in the position of kid, the paying client trusting and needing added support, when, instead, I was being used as the support; manipulated and vulnerabilities played on by the person who was supposed to be in the position of boss over me. 

Watching this situation unfold hurt me. I was triggered.
I thought I had done all my breaking but I broke a little again or broke a little more as I heard how boss kept things de-escalated while being honest and keeping the kids wellbeing at the forefront of his mind.
My wellbeing was not at the forefront. My wellbeing was set aside and my kindness and vulnerabilities were played with to protect the man who was supposed to be in control.
I don't want to break anymore. I want to be done with this pain. I don't want his problems to be mine...
While I may have disagreed before I now know, when someone is in therapy they are so very vulnerable, so very broken, and so very trusting and the therapist is the one in the position of power. They never need to try and prove that power, to do so is likely an abuse of it.