Thursday, May 30, 2019
Push backs or spiral thinking?
Pay attention to the push back was one of the lessons I learned from the book I recently loved, "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone."
Push back last night came fast and angry. I felt ganged up on.
I was in the wrong, but not entirely and not just me.
"but" -does that undermine my accepting responsibility?
I don't want to circle think, I don't want to be feeling so insecure and second guessing myself so much. But I feel there is something to the push back.
Am I bpd? Is my husband? both?
Or do I just loose too much mood stability when I am past my 80%?
Is it both? or all?
And what do I do about it?
clearly husband...
...nope, no clearly there.
Do I allow myself to visit the reasons for the explosive and angry push back directed at my whole family? Do I validate and justify my pain and frustration? Or am I a bad person?
I feel like I am not allowed to be human and make mistakes.
I feel confused about this.
I feel confused often about how the words that come out of peoples mouths do not match their actions. Do I do this too?
I think to be human may mean we are walking contradictions.
Last night I lashed out with words
I felt backed into a corner
I knew I had made mistakes and I knew that I was wrong when
I was being accused of attacking while I was feeling very attacked
I was tired
looking back it is so easy to see now how I should have, could have, even would have, handled both situations differently (last nights and the night before -what last nights was about),
but at the same time I think I feel more angry and frustrated than sorry.
And I know the common thread is me
which just makes me more angry
...Maybe that is to combat the sense of worthlessness that started to flare up again?
Do I just stop fighting the feelings and working to prove that I am not worthless?
Last night I said to myself "I don't want to feel like this and I don't want to keep fighting this fight"
but with that, the only thing I could see was leaving.
...leaving I'm still left with me
I'm always left with me
Which may be what hell really is
If I don't solve this
-this issue of being a me that is unlovable
...and now I will be judged "feeling sorry for myself" "victimizing myself" "trying to manipulate"
withhold judgement please, this blog is for being honest, this is my safe place, and those words are not the words I use when I push back.
Am I saying that in other ways? Am I trying to prove to others that I am what I am feeling?
Am I my feelings because I feel so intensely?
round and round I go like bacterium Borrelia burgdorferi
...In the end I am still left with me
the common thread
that can't seem to get it right in caring and communicating
-what am I fighting for?
I'm not fighting to win, I am fighting to survive.
Saturday, May 25, 2019
Message Received
"You are not worth my time.
You are not worth working through things with.
You are not worth loving"
are such difficult messages received to work through
when they came from a therapist
-especially one that was absolutely
trusted
loved
admired-
This absolute reinforcement of lack of worth
just keeps coming back to haunt
You are not worth working through things with.
You are not worth loving"
are such difficult messages received to work through
when they came from a therapist
-especially one that was absolutely
trusted
loved
admired-
This absolute reinforcement of lack of worth
just keeps coming back to haunt
Friday, May 24, 2019
You only have as much value as you give yourself
I finally got to talk with the patient advocate in person. She is a lovely lady and I'm sure the lady with her was also but my attention was on the advocate I have been working with.
At times I am hard to understand and keep up with which is why I am especially glad my friend who is a a licensed therapist was able to come with me when I last minute thought to asked him.
He was able to point out things I have tried to point out but will not be seen, considered or listened to simply because it is me.
-It's funny how humans do this, we so often will not accept or allow a person to know or explain for themselves about themselves.-
Therapist friend was also able to communicate more effectively, including things I had not thought of or would not allow myself to, because he could take the emotions out and he did not have my built up frustration. He was also able to validate and understand why I keep coming at this impossible task.
-Sometimes we have to fight the fight, knowing we will likely loose, but fighting anyway because we have to prove to ourself that we are worth it- we have to stand up for what we truly believe in, even if no-one else does-
Therapist Friend could point out that this is not a case of "he said she said" like they would like it to be.
There is evidence and it is documented. and when looked at by others who understand the nature of a therapeutic relationship it is very clear that the "she saids" are symptomatic and evidence themselves.
... yet I am still that paradox of "these are my symptoms and my problems" while I am still trying to hide them. Not to mention that I don't want to accept them so I do all I can to get rid of or manage them while hiding and trying to talk about and not talk about them at the same time.
Maybe this is how I isolate myself?
Neurotic?
"You isolate yourself" came into friend and my conversation on the drive home.
Maybe I am okay there, safe there. Maybe my hurts from rejections are simply push back on my need to accept belonging in the world of doing so little alone and not belonging in the world of "together we can do so much."
Maybe I have craved that belonging so much that I have put too much value on it and maybe deep down inside I don't value it as much as I am believing I do or "should"
...It's a thought.
Still more, ever more, left to do in the figuring out of me I suppose. and yet I am caring less and less about just that.
Life is an adventure in so many forms and while this is one part of it, this not me in my entirety; Mostly I just find a lot of joy, beauty and meaning so easily and in so many very simple things. I love to love and that has been and is the most important thing for me to figure out.
Thanks for listening.
...Added 5/25:
it nags
She said "you asked him if he wanted to talk about it"
No. I asked him "why" (actually "can I ask why?)
There is HUGE difference between those two questions and the fact that this is how I am being understood-which is misunderstood- really, really bothers me
At times I am hard to understand and keep up with which is why I am especially glad my friend who is a a licensed therapist was able to come with me when I last minute thought to asked him.
He was able to point out things I have tried to point out but will not be seen, considered or listened to simply because it is me.
-It's funny how humans do this, we so often will not accept or allow a person to know or explain for themselves about themselves.-
Therapist friend was also able to communicate more effectively, including things I had not thought of or would not allow myself to, because he could take the emotions out and he did not have my built up frustration. He was also able to validate and understand why I keep coming at this impossible task.
-Sometimes we have to fight the fight, knowing we will likely loose, but fighting anyway because we have to prove to ourself that we are worth it- we have to stand up for what we truly believe in, even if no-one else does-
Therapist Friend could point out that this is not a case of "he said she said" like they would like it to be.
There is evidence and it is documented. and when looked at by others who understand the nature of a therapeutic relationship it is very clear that the "she saids" are symptomatic and evidence themselves.
... yet I am still that paradox of "these are my symptoms and my problems" while I am still trying to hide them. Not to mention that I don't want to accept them so I do all I can to get rid of or manage them while hiding and trying to talk about and not talk about them at the same time.
Maybe this is how I isolate myself?
Neurotic?
"You isolate yourself" came into friend and my conversation on the drive home.
Maybe I am okay there, safe there. Maybe my hurts from rejections are simply push back on my need to accept belonging in the world of doing so little alone and not belonging in the world of "together we can do so much."
Maybe I have craved that belonging so much that I have put too much value on it and maybe deep down inside I don't value it as much as I am believing I do or "should"
...It's a thought.
Still more, ever more, left to do in the figuring out of me I suppose. and yet I am caring less and less about just that.
Life is an adventure in so many forms and while this is one part of it, this not me in my entirety; Mostly I just find a lot of joy, beauty and meaning so easily and in so many very simple things. I love to love and that has been and is the most important thing for me to figure out.
Thanks for listening.
...Added 5/25:
it nags
She said "you asked him if he wanted to talk about it"
No. I asked him "why" (actually "can I ask why?)
There is HUGE difference between those two questions and the fact that this is how I am being understood-which is misunderstood- really, really bothers me
Sunday, May 19, 2019
1+1=2 fixing me and you
Solving.
"don't try to"
"what will it accomplish?"
Why do I have this drive to solve?
"I think you wake up with 80% already spent" says my husband. Often he is right. But why am I waking up with less than 20% of my reserves left?
I'll wake up with an epiphany...my brain is still solving even when I am asleep.
Solving
why and what do I hope to accomplish?
"...it's a matter of how I try to solve..."
Even when I am not trying, it is, or it has become, so deeply engrained in me that I am even doing it in my sleep.
epiphany
but still too tired to get up and type it out because I'm waking up worn out
solving because I know too many people that are unhappy, in pain, and causing others pain because they don't want to solve themselves. They don't want to fix their own problems.
Sometimes they'd rather blame,
sometimes it is uncomfortable
sometimes it is scary to face yourself, your fears, your vulnerabilities
To admit you are wrong and try doing things or looking at things a different way. So you leave it alone and don't try to solve and the pain continues, perpetuated, and projected.
Can it be solved?
Is this my way of attempting to control what feels painful and out of control? to control what I cannot.
Maybe.
Yesterday, tired, brain not wanting to turn off, I wanted it too stop solving.
It did. I turned off the self reflection and attempts to solve... compartmentalized and suppressed.
because I was exhausted
I have done this before. turned off the solving and self-reflection. Sometimes it is an effective tool. Sometimes it is not. Sometimes, if I push the "this's" down, they come out in other ways. they start nagging, biting and pushing buttons.
Yesterday IKEA. I am not solving, I am being present and enjoying the moment... but only now I am fighting urges that are suggesting I am unsatisfied with the normal and mundane. Urges that think it would be interesting to see and hear what that blue porcelain vase would look and sound like if I dropped it on the concrete floor or that wish to ask any random man if he'd like to have sex.
Where does that stuff even come from? I don't solve this time, I try to stay present. But it's a lie, I am still solving as I maintain my composure and agree to follow the societal norms and expectations instead of just being what I am in the moment. And I am likely trying to solve again as I observe my thoughts and urges, feel curious about them, where they are coming from and why?
Yesterday's Ikea thoughts, urges and desires were a bit out of character. Not that I have never felt or had thought things like this before but that it has been a very long time and they had a different feel to them.
I wonder what others are thinking and feeling as they walk amongst strangers acting so well behaved.
Are they thinking similar thoughts? Do they ever wish to hear things shatter out of curiosity? Do they wish to have sex with some random stranger just to settle whatever chemistry is surging? Do they wish to break the boring confines of societal norms because it all seems so pointless and silly?
What does this all mean anyway?
Do I need help solving this?
Concussion Dr. said she would help me find a new team. Maybe a psychiatrist-therapist combo. But I have not heard anything from her. I am not surprised and I guess her now cold-to-me assistant may have something to do with this.
Time to solve again.
Time to find a new team so they can take some of this solving burden
the burden that was multiplied with the directions "don't try to solve this" and the abandonment that followed.
sigh.
But I solve because my epiphany reminds me that solving is better (to me) than hurting and causing harm, it's better than suppressing what will only break out in some other, likely destructive, way.
"don't try to"
"what will it accomplish?"
Why do I have this drive to solve?
"I think you wake up with 80% already spent" says my husband. Often he is right. But why am I waking up with less than 20% of my reserves left?
I'll wake up with an epiphany...my brain is still solving even when I am asleep.
Solving
why and what do I hope to accomplish?
"...it's a matter of how I try to solve..."
Even when I am not trying, it is, or it has become, so deeply engrained in me that I am even doing it in my sleep.
epiphany
but still too tired to get up and type it out because I'm waking up worn out
solving because I know too many people that are unhappy, in pain, and causing others pain because they don't want to solve themselves. They don't want to fix their own problems.
Sometimes they'd rather blame,
sometimes it is uncomfortable
sometimes it is scary to face yourself, your fears, your vulnerabilities
To admit you are wrong and try doing things or looking at things a different way. So you leave it alone and don't try to solve and the pain continues, perpetuated, and projected.
Can it be solved?
Is this my way of attempting to control what feels painful and out of control? to control what I cannot.
Maybe.
Yesterday, tired, brain not wanting to turn off, I wanted it too stop solving.
It did. I turned off the self reflection and attempts to solve... compartmentalized and suppressed.
because I was exhausted
I have done this before. turned off the solving and self-reflection. Sometimes it is an effective tool. Sometimes it is not. Sometimes, if I push the "this's" down, they come out in other ways. they start nagging, biting and pushing buttons.
Yesterday IKEA. I am not solving, I am being present and enjoying the moment... but only now I am fighting urges that are suggesting I am unsatisfied with the normal and mundane. Urges that think it would be interesting to see and hear what that blue porcelain vase would look and sound like if I dropped it on the concrete floor or that wish to ask any random man if he'd like to have sex.
Where does that stuff even come from? I don't solve this time, I try to stay present. But it's a lie, I am still solving as I maintain my composure and agree to follow the societal norms and expectations instead of just being what I am in the moment. And I am likely trying to solve again as I observe my thoughts and urges, feel curious about them, where they are coming from and why?
Yesterday's Ikea thoughts, urges and desires were a bit out of character. Not that I have never felt or had thought things like this before but that it has been a very long time and they had a different feel to them.
I wonder what others are thinking and feeling as they walk amongst strangers acting so well behaved.
Are they thinking similar thoughts? Do they ever wish to hear things shatter out of curiosity? Do they wish to have sex with some random stranger just to settle whatever chemistry is surging? Do they wish to break the boring confines of societal norms because it all seems so pointless and silly?
What does this all mean anyway?
Do I need help solving this?
Concussion Dr. said she would help me find a new team. Maybe a psychiatrist-therapist combo. But I have not heard anything from her. I am not surprised and I guess her now cold-to-me assistant may have something to do with this.
Time to solve again.
Time to find a new team so they can take some of this solving burden
the burden that was multiplied with the directions "don't try to solve this" and the abandonment that followed.
sigh.
But I solve because my epiphany reminds me that solving is better (to me) than hurting and causing harm, it's better than suppressing what will only break out in some other, likely destructive, way.
Friday, May 17, 2019
Equations for Chemistry
My drug of choice?
"What would solving accomplish for you?" asks now ex-concussion doctor
It's a fair question and I don't know.
It may be dependent on what "this" is. And while I am not so keen to try to "solve this" anymore I think I may still need to because in it lie answers that can help me stop repeating the same mistakes in relationships.
And yet the statement itself implies that it may not have been my mistake at all in his mind. which could be evidence of something that needs to be solved for the sake of others. or just simply that he is scared or frustrated by something else.
It is worth noting that the less I try to solve the more things just occur to me and then I find myself thinking on it; maybe because it is the drug of choice, maybe because it is a push back I need to pay attention to. I am not entirely sure, however I can say with surety: where I am now and how it affects me physically and emotionally is very different from where I was 7 months ago...when he was telling me not to try and solve this and when I was trying to obey but the need to solve was pushing back with monumental force. And I can also say with surety that our greatest weaknesses can be our greatest strengths. I am not sure how to utilize this one as such yet so I am letting myself explore naturally, paying attention to feelings and thoughts, and going with it if it feels calm or okay and shutting it off if it feels counterproductive... btw, this is also following his instructions for me (a complex psychological web and now I slightly wonder "is this pathological") but to my point of coming on here and the exploration that my intuition is guiding; thoughts about the transference and countertransference issue found there way to the forefront -the waking up forefront- of my mind.
"Am I the threat, is employing institution the threat, or he is he the threat to himself?" I ask concussion doctor. I know it is not me "unless he is sexually frustrated and I bring that out in him, then I guess I am," I try to explain, and yet I'm not (the threat) because that is him and his issue, not me and mine.
It's funny how things like that then become your issue. If it's about you, even if it's not your issue, it really is, because it's about you after all.
I digress.
or maybe not
transference was happening.
and I still believe counter transference to. I believe there was testing of my transference that I resisted. I would not let him penetrate my thoughts the way you are supposed to allow your therapist to. I would not let him know my transference. because I was protecting? which may have back fired.
Separating from his ex-wife? he tried to avoid taking me on? I wouldn't let him in, though we had a meaningful connection or despite the fact that I obviously cared for him.
Is there something there with counter transference?
I remember thinking once, "I wonder who cheated on who?"
Not that it happened... But "I am not meant to be with just one women" a comment about his own frustration he had to come to terms with to help me realize I had to come to terms with my own frustration? Was I supposed to ask about those comments? probably. But I didn't. Naturally protective? I wondered but would not ask. It was the boundary I seemed to know I was not supposed to cross in therapy, that was his life and his business and I knew he would only share what he wanted to or felt was beneficial to me and since it was supposed to be about me and not him I knew better than to ask. I would likely only be disappointed. (Am I answering my questions I have been wondering now as I type it out?)
But my not asking amidst a pretty powerful transference, projected or reflected... that may have confused his psyche, especially if he really was sexually frustrated. Especially if I reminded him of his ex-wife or some other sexual interest in the past in anyway. Especially if ex-wife had been a with-holder. And maybe especially if that withholding led to/contributed to cheating.
So I wonder
could Sexually frustrated + withholding transference = countertransference + therapeutic disaster?
I tell you, conversation on this topic could be so fascinating and telling.
But, he is right, it could be potentially risky.
...I'd take the risk. why? because facing fears and taking risks make life just that (life) and a whole lot more.
"What would solving accomplish for you?" asks now ex-concussion doctor
It's a fair question and I don't know.
It may be dependent on what "this" is. And while I am not so keen to try to "solve this" anymore I think I may still need to because in it lie answers that can help me stop repeating the same mistakes in relationships.
And yet the statement itself implies that it may not have been my mistake at all in his mind. which could be evidence of something that needs to be solved for the sake of others. or just simply that he is scared or frustrated by something else.
It is worth noting that the less I try to solve the more things just occur to me and then I find myself thinking on it; maybe because it is the drug of choice, maybe because it is a push back I need to pay attention to. I am not entirely sure, however I can say with surety: where I am now and how it affects me physically and emotionally is very different from where I was 7 months ago...when he was telling me not to try and solve this and when I was trying to obey but the need to solve was pushing back with monumental force. And I can also say with surety that our greatest weaknesses can be our greatest strengths. I am not sure how to utilize this one as such yet so I am letting myself explore naturally, paying attention to feelings and thoughts, and going with it if it feels calm or okay and shutting it off if it feels counterproductive... btw, this is also following his instructions for me (a complex psychological web and now I slightly wonder "is this pathological") but to my point of coming on here and the exploration that my intuition is guiding; thoughts about the transference and countertransference issue found there way to the forefront -the waking up forefront- of my mind.
"Am I the threat, is employing institution the threat, or he is he the threat to himself?" I ask concussion doctor. I know it is not me "unless he is sexually frustrated and I bring that out in him, then I guess I am," I try to explain, and yet I'm not (the threat) because that is him and his issue, not me and mine.
It's funny how things like that then become your issue. If it's about you, even if it's not your issue, it really is, because it's about you after all.
I digress.
or maybe not
transference was happening.
and I still believe counter transference to. I believe there was testing of my transference that I resisted. I would not let him penetrate my thoughts the way you are supposed to allow your therapist to. I would not let him know my transference. because I was protecting? which may have back fired.
Separating from his ex-wife? he tried to avoid taking me on? I wouldn't let him in, though we had a meaningful connection or despite the fact that I obviously cared for him.
Is there something there with counter transference?
I remember thinking once, "I wonder who cheated on who?"
Not that it happened... But "I am not meant to be with just one women" a comment about his own frustration he had to come to terms with to help me realize I had to come to terms with my own frustration? Was I supposed to ask about those comments? probably. But I didn't. Naturally protective? I wondered but would not ask. It was the boundary I seemed to know I was not supposed to cross in therapy, that was his life and his business and I knew he would only share what he wanted to or felt was beneficial to me and since it was supposed to be about me and not him I knew better than to ask. I would likely only be disappointed. (Am I answering my questions I have been wondering now as I type it out?)
But my not asking amidst a pretty powerful transference, projected or reflected... that may have confused his psyche, especially if he really was sexually frustrated. Especially if I reminded him of his ex-wife or some other sexual interest in the past in anyway. Especially if ex-wife had been a with-holder. And maybe especially if that withholding led to/contributed to cheating.
So I wonder
could Sexually frustrated + withholding transference = countertransference + therapeutic disaster?
I tell you, conversation on this topic could be so fascinating and telling.
But, he is right, it could be potentially risky.
...I'd take the risk. why? because facing fears and taking risks make life just that (life) and a whole lot more.
Keep upkeep
I'm in the midst of a very complex psychological web and I need people who can keep up. Most people will not be able to keep up. If you find yourself offended by that last statement then you are one of those. And yet more will be offended by that following statement and you now may be in that category of "can't keep up." But if you have found none of those statements to raise any suspicion you may also be unable to keep up with me as well. And by this point my own suspicion at my potential arrogance has offended myself so now I can no longer keep up with myself... which is actually probably more true than we believe is possible thus putting all offended and non offended parties that could not keep up back to square one so try to keep up and know that it only matters if you want it to. Besides I can't really keep up with myself half the time either.
Already, I have lost where I am going with this.
- and there goes a broken breath. It's this automatic deep breath that sounds and vibrates slightly similar to that automatic breath that happens when a person has been crying hard for awhile and their body is trying to soothe and regain composure, only I have not been (crying) and it comes rather automatically to me now when I am processing thoughts and emotions or at moments of re-centering. It's a tangent but also not because it is a fascinating physical effect of this complex psychological web.
It is now 3:05a.m. and I am certain I have been awake with my thoughts for at least one hour. I did not consider this writing until thoughts of how what is bothering me now is further peeling back those onion layers... when I thought there was nothing left to peel back. And these onion layers are still related so then how do I move forward constructively and not back? I didn't really think those thoughts exactly but that explains better whatever now lost thoughts I had that brought me to the idea of writing it out.
Next
try to follow
I know that getting up, getting on my laptop could be the very move that heads me down the rabbit hole of mania again. I need sleep and the lack of is the beginning of the end. Or the beginning of the beginning again. So I most certainly should not get on my laptop and stay up and start that cycle of insanity again.... Only now, because I thought that and it feels like an important piece of the puzzle to document and note so I don't forget; now I feel it more pressing to get up and write it out.
...I am in the midst of a very complex psychological web where the wrong answers may just be the right answers as my thoughts have naturally redirected me away from whatever brought me on here anyway.
I am strong and solid. I may have broken and I may still need work. The tears at work yesterday may be evidence that I am still more vulnerable than I care to admit, but ultimately, I improved in compartmentalizing and in keeping those tears in where and when I did not feel safe to let them out.
I also realized how much of a protector I naturally and/or instinctively am... I actually do compromise myself to protect others and the psychology of it is kind of fascinating... so I guess I need to figure out what and how that needs to look for me and my health.
I gave up concussion doctor because of this complex web, it was hurting me. But it may hurt me even more to give her up... Yet, that is what they need. (including but not limited to he) the he that is becoming more and more humanlike while I embrace him as nothing more than a figment of my imagination.
Did you keep up?
...then you might be doing better than me
Already, I have lost where I am going with this.
- and there goes a broken breath. It's this automatic deep breath that sounds and vibrates slightly similar to that automatic breath that happens when a person has been crying hard for awhile and their body is trying to soothe and regain composure, only I have not been (crying) and it comes rather automatically to me now when I am processing thoughts and emotions or at moments of re-centering. It's a tangent but also not because it is a fascinating physical effect of this complex psychological web.
It is now 3:05a.m. and I am certain I have been awake with my thoughts for at least one hour. I did not consider this writing until thoughts of how what is bothering me now is further peeling back those onion layers... when I thought there was nothing left to peel back. And these onion layers are still related so then how do I move forward constructively and not back? I didn't really think those thoughts exactly but that explains better whatever now lost thoughts I had that brought me to the idea of writing it out.
Next
try to follow
I know that getting up, getting on my laptop could be the very move that heads me down the rabbit hole of mania again. I need sleep and the lack of is the beginning of the end. Or the beginning of the beginning again. So I most certainly should not get on my laptop and stay up and start that cycle of insanity again.... Only now, because I thought that and it feels like an important piece of the puzzle to document and note so I don't forget; now I feel it more pressing to get up and write it out.
...I am in the midst of a very complex psychological web where the wrong answers may just be the right answers as my thoughts have naturally redirected me away from whatever brought me on here anyway.
I am strong and solid. I may have broken and I may still need work. The tears at work yesterday may be evidence that I am still more vulnerable than I care to admit, but ultimately, I improved in compartmentalizing and in keeping those tears in where and when I did not feel safe to let them out.
I also realized how much of a protector I naturally and/or instinctively am... I actually do compromise myself to protect others and the psychology of it is kind of fascinating... so I guess I need to figure out what and how that needs to look for me and my health.
I gave up concussion doctor because of this complex web, it was hurting me. But it may hurt me even more to give her up... Yet, that is what they need. (including but not limited to he) the he that is becoming more and more humanlike while I embrace him as nothing more than a figment of my imagination.
Did you keep up?
...then you might be doing better than me
Wednesday, May 15, 2019
Facing Fears for Fun and Freedom
My son has been doing alliteration exercises in his English class. He thinks they are fun. That is one thing he and I have in common. I also adore alliterations, only my son likes to end them at two or three words and I am like, "you got a good thing going, don't stop there." ...or maybe I'm more like, "you gotta good groove going guy, lets give it even greater gusto!"
That's my off tangent on the title.
...though I suppose I can tie it in.
I also like my concussion doctor. She taught me the word pathological today. I know the word but I don't. "explain?" I ask.
She says something like: It means there is something bad or wrong about that statement or line of thinking.
I looked it up upon arriving home, it can also mean diseased, impulsive, obsessive, habitual and some other stuff.
I like that she used that word. She was calling me out or pointing out something that needed to be fixed. I liked that she allowed me to fix it and still directed attention to maybe a need for further and deeper fixing.
She also pointed out that dear ex-therapist, her associate in the same office, could not have been the "right" therapist for me because he is the reason I got to that point. "Thank you for recognizing that" I say. It is the first time anyone at the facility has acknowledged that. It is the first time that anyone there has acknowledged that something was not right in the therapeutic relationship with dear dr. neuropsychologist and that the responsibility is on him, not me.
...I still defended him though... that is probably pathological too.
I think we maybe, with out saying it, agreed to disagree about him being the right or wrong therapist for me. I still think he was.
"It was bad timing" I say.
And deep down inside I think I still hold onto the belief that he could fix this. Fix the harm he has caused and even go so far as helping me work through the issue's I'd hoped he would help me with.
I am probably wrong.
Maybe I give too many chances, maybe I have too much confidence in people once I do, maybe I am just a silly little girl. I don't know.
...I am wrong and I know it because he thinks he can't and may not be allowed to so therefore whether I think he can or I think he can't, I am wrong.
But it doesn't really matter anymore.
Dr. Concussion is all about moving forward. Which is why she knows and understands that I have to say goodbye even though I want to keep her and I don't want to start over with an entirely new team.
I am not sure what that looks like. She feels I need a psychiatrist and a psychologist.
I think I need to admit I am not sure if I am really ready for that team.
Besides she talked me through and eased some of my fears about head injury and brain damage. She gave me knowledge and knowledge is power so maybe I can stay charged on that power source for a bit? ...or is that pathological?.
I am being funny now. btw
But fears faced are far less powerful and TBI is one I have avoided learning too much about prior to this breaking of me because it scared me. Now I find it is far less frightening than I thought as it fills in holes and gaps in my understanding and my personal history. I have new favorite words like neuroplasticity -today I learned there are basically 9 kinds. And I have better hope and understanding for my future.
There is a teaching style that I really like (maybe because it works well for me as a learner) that uses learning targets and goals, set out even before the lessons begin. I like that it answers the mystery of where one is going and "why do I need to know this?" at the beginning of the learning process. I am far from the beginning but, at the same time, everyday is a new beginning.
Thank you concussion doctor for listening, for actually listening and for remembering with me why I was there when all else in your operation have been caught up in something entirely different, not entirely sure what, but it is most certainly not about my wellbeing, health and healing.
You will save your fearful facility from my powerful pathological destructive forces no doubt :)
And I,... I will move on now. with radical acceptance.
{...Which would ironically make me right; that ex-therapist really was the right person for me- because he both helped me so much and broke me so completely.
..."It's a Tao thing, you wouldn't understand" - is the dumb thought that pops into my head and it is so stupid and funny to me that I have to type}
That's my off tangent on the title.
...though I suppose I can tie it in.
I also like my concussion doctor. She taught me the word pathological today. I know the word but I don't. "explain?" I ask.
She says something like: It means there is something bad or wrong about that statement or line of thinking.
I looked it up upon arriving home, it can also mean diseased, impulsive, obsessive, habitual and some other stuff.
I like that she used that word. She was calling me out or pointing out something that needed to be fixed. I liked that she allowed me to fix it and still directed attention to maybe a need for further and deeper fixing.
She also pointed out that dear ex-therapist, her associate in the same office, could not have been the "right" therapist for me because he is the reason I got to that point. "Thank you for recognizing that" I say. It is the first time anyone at the facility has acknowledged that. It is the first time that anyone there has acknowledged that something was not right in the therapeutic relationship with dear dr. neuropsychologist and that the responsibility is on him, not me.
...I still defended him though... that is probably pathological too.
I think we maybe, with out saying it, agreed to disagree about him being the right or wrong therapist for me. I still think he was.
"It was bad timing" I say.
And deep down inside I think I still hold onto the belief that he could fix this. Fix the harm he has caused and even go so far as helping me work through the issue's I'd hoped he would help me with.
I am probably wrong.
Maybe I give too many chances, maybe I have too much confidence in people once I do, maybe I am just a silly little girl. I don't know.
...I am wrong and I know it because he thinks he can't and may not be allowed to so therefore whether I think he can or I think he can't, I am wrong.
But it doesn't really matter anymore.
Dr. Concussion is all about moving forward. Which is why she knows and understands that I have to say goodbye even though I want to keep her and I don't want to start over with an entirely new team.
I am not sure what that looks like. She feels I need a psychiatrist and a psychologist.
I think I need to admit I am not sure if I am really ready for that team.
Besides she talked me through and eased some of my fears about head injury and brain damage. She gave me knowledge and knowledge is power so maybe I can stay charged on that power source for a bit? ...or is that pathological?.
I am being funny now. btw
But fears faced are far less powerful and TBI is one I have avoided learning too much about prior to this breaking of me because it scared me. Now I find it is far less frightening than I thought as it fills in holes and gaps in my understanding and my personal history. I have new favorite words like neuroplasticity -today I learned there are basically 9 kinds. And I have better hope and understanding for my future.
There is a teaching style that I really like (maybe because it works well for me as a learner) that uses learning targets and goals, set out even before the lessons begin. I like that it answers the mystery of where one is going and "why do I need to know this?" at the beginning of the learning process. I am far from the beginning but, at the same time, everyday is a new beginning.
Thank you concussion doctor for listening, for actually listening and for remembering with me why I was there when all else in your operation have been caught up in something entirely different, not entirely sure what, but it is most certainly not about my wellbeing, health and healing.
You will save your fearful facility from my powerful pathological destructive forces no doubt :)
And I,... I will move on now. with radical acceptance.
{...Which would ironically make me right; that ex-therapist really was the right person for me- because he both helped me so much and broke me so completely.
..."It's a Tao thing, you wouldn't understand" - is the dumb thought that pops into my head and it is so stupid and funny to me that I have to type}
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