The Basic Rules of Good Citizenship

If you are reading my blog for the first time or have read a few but not every entry may I suggest you go back to: https://amicrazy2.blogspot.com/2018/11/reprocessing-so-much-to-do-so-little.html
and really there are a lot that tell a lot about what happened, how it effects the brain, and even possibly why it effects it this way as I have gone through this crazy journey and have documented my processing and the damaging and harmful process that could have been largely avoided or a least greatly minimized if the Neuroscience Institute and IHC policies did not think they were above the basic rules of good citizenship that we teach our children in our public schools.
At very least, read the last paragraph on this lesson:

Substitute teaching the other day this was the Social Studies lesson I was given to teach and it broke my heart because "When you obey rules you are showing resect to authority and those who make the rules," and "a good citizen is someone who is not afraid to admit that he/she is wrong and is always willing to ask for a second chance."
 I was not even sure how to handle teaching it because the reality is the honest kids who take this to heart will be hurt and taken advantage of time and time again by big organizations and institutions, by people in authority and power... and these kids that take this to heart, and believe in the good of humanity and individuals, will believe in those trained, licensed and credentialed authority figures who are in reality refusing to take responsibility and admit their mistakes and are willing to do so completely at the altruistic child (now an adults) expense. And they will not realize this as they continue believing in and work for these basic, elementary taught, rules of good citizenship, expecting that these educated authority figure will also come to their senses and honor these rules thus stopping the harm and perpetuation of it and then working together solve the problem they are the ones that are trained and being paid to solve.
I want to protect these kids from believing in a society that actually lives the way this lesson teaches because I know, in reality, we do not live in a society where their medical providers, the ones they will likely trust the most, will do this.
...And these same rules are in their hipocratic oath's and APA guidelines (though the APA also has contradictory rules that are made to protect the therapist who may be abusing clients)
...It is sickening.

the problems with transference, countertransference and mania

"Why can't you just let it go?"
It is an annoying question for a few reasons:
#1. because I have and I do over and over again. But when I succeed in letting it go in one way, it comes back to bite me in another, again and again. If I  redirect and avoid thinking about it "it" pushes through in some other way. Sometimes in ways that are much worse than focusing on "it" and trying to understand and solve.
#2. "It" is not the Neuroscience Institute and/or Dr. He. To the person saying this they may think that, but in reality they are asking me to just let go of far more than that. They are asking me to just let go of my experiences and life and the new understanding I was coming to about how my life has truly been altered by the TBI that happened when I was 12. They are asking me to repeat the same patterns that have led to so much trouble, let go of the injury I cannot change and have no control over, and just be fine. All I have control over is how I handle it and what I do with it, I cannot just let go of what my body is and how it functions. I have to work with it in order to be fine, I cannot simply let it go.
#3. If I "just let it go" I am accepting and/or agreeing with them that I was not manic. Yes, I can logically say that is probably not accurate but they are the professionals, and then I am haunted and plagued by the injustice of that, the problems a misdiagnosis can cause if it is stated and upheld in my medical records, the defamations and the fact that this ignorance and/or abuse of a patient is not likely going to be isolated to just me. There are big problems and I am certain I am not the only one who has been or will be harmed by policies and procedures that perpetuate the kind of harm and worse that befell me.
#4. My core says I need to stand up for myself for reasons mentioned in #3 and because not doing that feeds that part of my psyche that buys into "I'm not worth it."
#5. Mania is not easy to manage through, nor is it easy to recover from. It is hard on brains and families. Yet the intensity of it is... exciting, exhilarating, supernatural, deep, profound, and very real. If it is denied, as it has been by the ones in power, the ones who diagnose, the ones that are supposed to be trained to recognize it, and the ones that I trusted, than it must mean that what I was feeling and the connections there were real for both parties and I am no longer meant to be with my husband. I can't come back even when he says "I just want you back" because this is no longer where I belong if the "not manic" diagnosis is accepted.  Furthermore, to deny both mania or that divinely orchestrated transference-countertransference connection is, at very least, equivalent to denying God. With all the spiritual connections, omens, bizarre coincidences, etc. of this situation to do nothing, to let it go, would be to deny God. Even if it is entirely something different and heading down this path takes me entirely somewhere different, I am not willing to deny God. I am not entirely sure what I need to do or how, but I know I have to do something. Return to Dr. He or address the bigger issues?
#6. When I choose to do something and choose to stand up for myself and fight back I am choosing to live and I am choosing my husband. I would like him to choose me too because if he is not standing up for me and with me in fighting this than it feeds that return-to-He-beast also.
Dr. He was my safe place, he was my support and he is where I felt most at home at that point in time ...and possibly ever in my life... and in my defense, from what I have researched, this is not an entirely uncommon occurrence in therapeutic relationships. It is a connection that is powerful and profound and hard to loose even without it being transference and manic fed.
So as much as I don't believe in the word can't and I know that I could in fact continue to try to "just let it go" I hope you will understand a little better what I meant and the effect it might have on a me. I hope when I say "I can't just let it go" you understand that if I did I would be stuck in limbo and my heart will just keep trying to find its way back home... to a home that does not exist and probably never did and/or to a home that needs and/or wants me gone so very completely.
I am sorry to say this, but it is the truth that all parts of me seem to agree on.  And I know that because right now, in saying this, I feel no surges, I feel no crazy out of control chemistry, I just feel... normal and balanced. I feel safe, sane, rational and plain.
and I have nothing left to say.

More Drama for my Trauma

I don't know that I will return to teaching... But I will say that substituting now, with the mood stabilizer helping me out, is so much better. My head doesn't feel like it's going to explode by the end of the day and I don't have to hide in the bathroom during recess or lunch because my eyes are leaking again. The over stimulating environment that it is, is not so bad and I can play great teacher for a day and be gone. It is nice. But substitute teaching is not a career and I don't know that everyday would be a good idea for me, which would then not be great for the kids. I am a great teacher in many ways but I know my limits. ... and so I am here again, trying to decide what to do when I grow up.
There is an identity crises that seems to accompany my mental lapses... And I hope I will get this one figured out better this time around. I mean damn, I broke big enough this time that I am likely (and proving to be true) not going to be able to burry that part of me so well and forget that is a problem and part of me. I kind of have to embrace now that this is a part of my perfectly imperfect... I can't fake it anymore. I am what I am and I have to accept it...
It is not as easy to do as it is to say...
SO
I'll talk about suicide now.
There is a lot I can say about that. But mostly I want to say it is a symptom. It is not the problem and it is not the solution. It is a symptom that needs to be listened to and addressed. Find out why, where it is coming from and then treat the problem while managing the symptom.
and that is something I have said before and will say again and again until people listen and start thinking of it differently.
One of the tricky things about the suicidal tendencies is that on one side there are the people who are hiding, not wanting to be a burden and not wanting to talk about it because of the misconceptions or because people with freak out and/or treat them different while on the extreme other side there are plenty of people who use it as a way to control others, a threat to get their way and their family members feel held hostage by the threat. They give those of us who know this damn symptom too well a bad rap. I question whether or not they really know what it is to be suicidal. Possibly it could just be an enabling problem. Mental illness is not an excuse for bad behavior. And on the flip side people with mental illness should not be condemned anymore or less for bad behavior. Very sane and rational people are capable of very bad behavior and they are branded as "crazy" when really they are just jerks.
... I am rambling kind of pointless floating... because I want to talk about this, but at the same time I am not in the mood.
...and just now I am returning from a phone call from a referral my psychiatric PA made. She apparently wanted me to see a physiatrist. She wants me to have someone helping me manage the TBI related stuff but the neurologist through her network has a long wait list. So maybe that is why she wants me to see a physiatrist.. I don't know. but turns out they don't take my insurance. So the nice girl gave me a recommendation. The doctors name and the phone number. Yep, can't go there. It's the Neuroscience Institute's number. That is where this guy is at and I have been exiled from there. What a mess. What a fiasco. Why can they deny me treatment? But then again, at this point I think I don't trust any of them and now really wondering if it is all just fraud. I think they don't know shit about head injuries and they are simply using and abusing people like me for a pay check.... a nice cushy fat pay check, easy money and low liability because my brain marred peers don't stand a fighting chance in this industry of glutenous god-complex narcissists
... just when I think I can let it go...
NOPE.
And if I were symptom free it'd make this so much easier.
Keep fighting
drama for trauma

Mania is hard on families... especially when coupled with transference.

Mania is very hard on families.
Even when you think you have it under control. Maybe especially when you think you have it under control...  But definitely when you think it is something else and/or you don't recognize it as mania.
It is also hard on brains.
And it is hard on the hearts and brains of those you are living with.
Please don't punish people for it and if they are trying to tell you that you are missing something. When someone says, "I'm just trying to understand what is going on with my head" or "I need to make sure I am stable"  "I need to make sure I am safe" those are very important words to listen to.
When they have a books worth of flooding memories and processing and are trying to show you what is going on by printing that book out don't ignore it. If they tell you they can physically feel surges of chemicals or their heart is physically hurting, it is very important not to ignore these things.
When they say "I am not having them right now, but I have and I know how to handle them I know what to do with them" this means the suicidal symptoms are present and the person is fighting them. Don't ignore these words, because suicidal tendencies ARE a symptom. Neither the problem or the solution but a symptom and indication that something is wrong and the longer they go untreated the worse they get. And if it is problem of chemistry, without medication, it takes soooooooooooooooo much time, energy and focus to stay ahead of it. Suicide is far to easy too commit, if your brain chemistry is deteriorating and your brain is looking for relief than you cannot ignore it or it'll get you, catch you off guard, and destroy you before you even know what you are doing. This is what happened to my brother. This is a battle I have fought and won many times. I know it for what it is, but that does not make it any easier, when it hits and if it is fed then it is harder to fight, takes more time and more energy and the world becomes an even more confusing place.
Please don't ignore these things.
If the person is concerned about being a burden and trying to take care of all those troubles themselves, facing the demons alone, they are very likely in worse shape than even they know. They need help. Don't ignore the cries for help. Don't make it about you.
I hope YOU read this.
And please don't do anything to hurt my son.

To gay or not gay... That is the question. (Because I am scared)

My last post... Is it my body pushing back against medication and am I swinging into a delusional high filled with grandiose ideals?
That is just it, I don't know. It may be and is that all bad? Can I, can we, as a society and individuals, capitalize on the positive aspects of some of what comes along with mental illness?
I used to have a great uncle who was our family doctor for my growing up years. He said homosexuality used to be considered a mental illness, now if you were to say something like that you would be figuratively lynched. But maybe it is, just as much as bipolar, depression, OCD, and others are. Why not? Why is saying that considered condescending to the gay and lesbians but the reverse is not considered condescending? Can we not embrace and accept other mental illnesses the way that the homosexual conditions have been fought for, embraced, and even celebrated?
When it is acceptable to be a "furry," why is it so damning to be bipolar?
Can't there be some good that comes along with bipolar? With my own over intensities?
Why is it okay to be gay but not okay to be mentally ill?
After a conversations with some teens recently I feel even more concern about all of this and the directions our society is heading. The comment was made that furries don't have a choice. I have heard that gender identity is not a choice while at the same time kids should be allowed to choose. What the hell are we teaching these future generations, what the hell are we doing to these kids?
So here is something to think about:
Like it or not, gender is not a choice. How we choose to identify IS a choice. Our sexual orientation IS a choice. Yes, I am very naturally attracted to men but I also choose to be straight. And I can change my thinking to choose differently. While I do believe their are people to which the opposite may be true I do not see how this is any different than other mental illnesses where your brain wiring and chemistry is not inline with the norm or the standard. Maybe we are not mentally ill but rather we are mentally diverse and should be accepted as such. I do not make a choice about how my brain gets so awry but I do choose how I handle it and what I do to treat it and how I work to fit in or to adapt outside of the norm.
I also see there being a problem with homosexuality being accepted while mental illness is not because, guess what, sexual attraction to the opposite sex causes? Anxiety. And it can cause a lot of it. It can be very uncomfortable and awkward to pursue that and thus we are likely to see more and more kids actually mistaking their comfort with their own gender as attraction to their own sex because they actually are attracted to the opposite sex but the anxiety and intensity of emotions they experience that accompany actual attraction is being labeled as "mental illness."
It's something to think about. And if this conversation makes you angry and you want to jump to defend gays, well, then my friend reread and please carefully exam your own bias and prejudice against "mental illness." Maybe mentally diverse really is a better term, but then will people not get help and treatment when they need it? I don't know. The problem is big and profound.
And the real reason I came on here was to say that I feel small and scared because I don't want to be big and profound. I want to me "normal" and I want to be accepted. I want to not feel the fear that I am feeling right now about trying again to establish myself within society. About the job that I feel I need to do because of my circumstances. And considering I don't take that on, I don't like the fear and apprehension I have about trying to find a job again and revisiting our former projects and some of my dreams, goals and aspirations. I am scared to branch out into the new, to say what I said I would do.
I am scared. and small. and I lack the confidence because my brain tires quickly, I know I might break, I will make mistakes, and my perfectly imperfect is really not accepted and tolerated even though I am not threatening or violent. 

It is not like in the movie "I Feel Pretty," when you wake up to your embarrassment and want to hide away. In real life everyone lets you hide and far too often they don't forgive and they don't try to understand, sometimes simply because your mistakes were not big enough and obvious enough, just weird and maybe annoying or intimidating or too intense so therefore, you are disposed of because their are plenty of other fish in the sea. 

When you have a brain injury and you are foggy, anxious emotional, and forgetful you don't get extra help or understanding, you get bad grades, mad parents, or you get fired.
I'd rather be a legit homosexual at this point in society. But I'm not going to be because, for me, I would simply be choosing that and going against my natural and default personal chemistry ...when I am already fighting enough of my own personal chemistry.
It's the same reason I never did drugs or got into drinking as a teen, I was already screwed up enough. I didn't need any help with that. What I do need is love, acceptance, compassion, respect, equal and fair treatment and for people to stop using my "conditions" against me or thinking that they mean so many things they do not. 

Shallow Hal needs a Big Gal

Sometimes it is one, occasionally I have jumped by teens. This blog that I don't really advertise but occasionally share with individuals, tells me how many unique views it receives. It's not many. And I am okay with that. I have actually asked very few people to actually read it or a specific entry and I am never sure if they do. My sister, I asked to read it awhile ago. She never remembers to and that is fine, it is how life goes. I get that.
But every time I come on here and see my numbers change I feel a bit of joy as I say to myself "Oh, I've been read."
Helping looks something like that. Often we want or wish for big numbers and we may not even invest our time in helping if we are not getting those big numbers but long ago I realized helping just one person is helping and it is significant because that one person is very significant.
If all I ever help is one person I have made a difference and I have changed the world
and I like the sense of satisfaction that brings. This is something I write because I feel it will likely be important for me to remember as I proceed with what I am coming to see and accept as my life's purpose.
I have a voice that needs to be heard. I know this and I have been told this more than once. I can bridge gaps and face stigma's because I have been doing that for so very long. It is when I shy away and hide myself from this, when I become self deprecating, that I inevitably start to break again. I think it is time for me to embrace who and what I am.
I believe it is time for me to get big.
Something like the kind of big that confused dear Dr. He in his office and profession but not the kind of big I was when he lost all his power to me and turned to self preservation not understanding himself that, in that moment, I was physiologically big from the chemical effects of mania. He did not understand because he had lost objectivity and I really am that good at managing my madness or he did understand and knew that he could play that to his advantage, use it against me. I suspect the first but there is evidence that suggests the latter and it could be a human conscious or unconscious combination of both. I am not sure.
But one thing I am sure of, is as I have tried to solve the mystery of what happened and what was and still is going on with my head I have found all the TBI stuff ringing so very true time and time again. I have found research that is tied to Dr. He that has me written all over it. I don't know if he has ever realized that and at the time of much of this research we had not even met, but I'm there in it, plain as day.
This morning, this research, confirmed that I need to keep fighting. I am in that world and that is where I belong. They really could learn so much from me and my voice needs to be heard, not just for my sake. I can bridge gaps and help or straight up fix the Neuroscience Institute.
So I have started to make connections with people that I hope can help and now my goal, my life's purpose is to make sure all that I know, all the work I have done to get me to this point is shared and heard and available to others because can be helpful to many more people.
I have worked hard to be the change I wish to see in the world now I will fight for the change I wish to see in the world. I will fight to end stigma's, to bridge gap's and to bring understanding and healing to broken minds and broken hearts.
I will fight harder and ironically that is bringing me back to life.
I hope you will join me, as I am about to go big.

I Walk Alone

I’m at the Out of the Darkness Suicide Prevention walk. I came alone. “How pathetic” I think. But no, I am not pathetic at all. How many people do you know that ultimately have the courage to show up at an event like this alone?
I collect my beads. 1st Orange for my brother. Next blue, for supporting, teal for any other friend or family member, and green for my own struggles. I put the orange, blue and teal around my neck and then I placed the green into my pocket.
I am here alone in my struggle and I don’t want to advertise that. I don’t want to be noticed for it AND I don’t want to not be noticed for it. In my pocket is fine.
I walk away from the beads, see two awkward adolescents also wearing orange, ask if they also lost a sibling. The girl answers yes, their brother. I say "it sucks" and ask if I can give her a hug. Her brother, looks younger, shies away behind her. I ask him if I can give him a hug also. “Yes” awkward side hug, but I don't care, he said yes so he probably needed it too.
I head toward the center of this massive event and I see their posters with the notes people posted.This is the first and only one I see. And I need to turn away because now I am crying. And alone. so I want a little quite place of my very own where I can disappear into a tree and be present from the sidelines.

 What a beautiful anomaly this tree is. I decide to join it. This is where I start this very bog entry. Sitting on the root arch of that tree. As my emotions settle again and the eye flooding subsides I realize, with this very unique tree, perched on the arch, I am hardly invisible. So I laugh inside and hop down. I listen to a well known radio DJ tell the story of loosing his own brother.
I see IHC's booth and I feel my anger but also know the people there are not who I am angry with. However, I am here to stand as a witness, if only to my self, that even when you think you are alone you are not and to show that I can keep fighting and I am worth standing up for. So I go to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention organization's booth (they are the facilitators of this event) and I collect their information. I write "Neuroscience Institute, across the top along with the name of the facility/office director whom I had told "I am just trying to understand what is going on with my head" and "I am not sure what it looks like but I know I need to stand up for myself" and then later yelled at me for wanting to be kept in-house, thinking they should talk to me and address the issues that happened there I was trying to address instead of sending me away, alone, to try and find an entirely new team when I was such a mess and not even sure what help I needed and for what since I was allowed no clarifying conversation.
I go to IHC's booth and ask who works for them. I tell her they need some training. I show her the green beads from my pocket and say "They are feeding this" and then I walk away shaking.
But I think, and return. Talk a little more to the lady but explain very little, just that they played games with me and feed the suicidal, instead of treating me fairly. I write down Concussion doctor's name, Neuropsychologist's name, and Patient Advocate's name. I ask that they all get trained or at very least they get this reading material.
I talk to a few people. Get some hugs and love from one lady and I am glad I am here.

I am so impressed at the amount of people present. I notice beautiful people being honored on t-shirts and I am so happy to see that they are honored and loved still in spite of how they passed. I see my brother in one particularly fun looking brother of a beautiful lady who is there alone with her 3 young children. I admire her. I appreciate the picture of her brother. I let her know. 

Then I am then drawn to these shirts. I loved the design and saying. As I got close I found some of my own coincidental humor in them also. If you zoom in to read and you have been following my blog I think you may also find it ever so coincidentally comical. I have to ask, "who is Jon?" I am then introduced to the mom of Jon. She is a beautiful and significant person. She designed the shirts. She tells me some about Jon. He was 18. I tell her a bit about my brother and the military's flawed policies. He was 28 or 29, it's been 10 years and I can't remember exact age and don't really care to fixate on that detail, he was too young and that is what matters most. As this beautiful mom tells me about her son I am sad for them and proud of them. They were trying. Her son was sensitive and intelligent. He felt things deeply and that made life a challenge at times. I can relate to what she is telling me. I tell her things that surprise her a bit. She asks "how do you know so much about all of this?" I have been living it for a very long time. "I'll write you a book," I say and she likes this idea. 

I have been fighting similar battles as her son for a very long time. I explain my belief that suicidal tendencies are a symptom. They are neither the problem nor solution, they are a symptom and we need to listen to them as that. They were doing that, and from what she has told me, I am so impressed at how they were. But she had never heard it put the way I just did and wishes it would be. She thinks it is a helpful and more productive way to approach this. She thinks it could have helped her son.... Because her son got caught in that trap of not understanding that it was a symptom and after being on medication for short period, when they were just starting to see the improvements, is when he passed. He did not realize or understand what he was fighting. He swung too fast before his thinking was able to correct. He likely did not have the tools or even know he needed them. One thing his mom told me was that he had said things about not wanting to be a burden. My own voice echoed in my head at this. I thought of my brother, others who I know that have gone this way, and more I know that I still fear we will lose to mental illness. I believe that many of the most likely to succeed in their attempt are also very likely to be in a mindset of not wanting to be a burden or tired of feeling like a burden. In their mind they are taking care of the problem themselves and doing their part to relieve the burden on others. 

I am going off in a direction I did not intend to, but as I have so many times before and to stay true to my own healing and processing process I will let it be. Though I know it is getting lengthy, today was significant so I suppose a significant post is appropriate. 

I'm going to jump now to another significant part of this event. At one point  I was walking and fingering the green beads in my pocket when I noticed that the necklace had come apart. It was broken. I could not even wear it now if I wanted to. This made me so happy. I even pulled it out and showed the beautiful mom.  I loved that the suicidal struggles of my own are broken. This is a good thing to have broken. I'm taking this as a sign and an omen and I'm going to run with it. I will keep holding on to that, -the breaking of my brokenness- because I have beat this before. And now that these beads are broken I can officially say that I have beat it once again (at least the suicidal part of it) and I will do it again and again if I have to. 

This is what I thought as I walked back to my truck and noticed this beautiful green tree with it's amazing and peculiar long green beans and then it was followed by the tree covered in so many tiny loving hearts. 

My heart has been broken so many times for so many reasons but still there are amazing people worth loving for any amount of time and this world holds so very many special and magical treasures all around. I love that. And I love living which is why I will keep fighting not just to survive but also to live and be a alive. I will keep working to thrive. 

  You'll Never Walk Alone

This is also a fun one You'll Never Walk Alone

Push back and history. Please listen

My dang head has been in this stupid mess for too long. I had no idea I needed Dr. She's simple words as much as I still do.
"Keep fighting"
Psychiatric PA let me know the double dose was not going to be a time release pill.
I think I am noticing that.
My brain seems to be pushing back. It wants to return to it's homeostatic chaos...
Maybe I just need to be busy. Maybe I just need a real job.
I kind of dislike the identity crises of this whole process.
I dislike that, though this is significantly different than any other time, I have been through this stuff before. The unstable and stabilizing.
I am remembering more again.
I once rolled my car as a result of an up. Sometimes I like to blame the worn out shocks on the little Jetta with over 300k, but the truth is, I was in a "spiritual high" and taking high stake risks that my more level brain knows are not wise. My toddler, who was directly behind me, was falling asleep with the sun blazing on him, so I turned back to position his blanket in the window. The windows were manual, I was driving. This is very stupid and not something I would normally consider doing while driving, especially on a freeway at freeway speeds (at least it was uncrowded and rural). When I turned back I found I was drifting off the road. I steered us back on, maybe over corrected a bit. That coupled with the 300+k worn suspension, made my overcorrection an impossible come back, and it resulted in a fluid floating rollover that landed us top side down facing the wrong way in the dip just off the side of the freeway.
God was watching over us, I know, and I experienced true faith knowing, as we floated over, that everything was going to be okay.
It was.
My babies strapped in their carseats in the back were okay, only babygirl, who was around the age of 4, had a slight red mark on her shoulder from hanging upside down in her carseat a bit longer.
We were very lucky. And I am so grateful.
And while I know God was protecting us, that was also the moment in time when I made a conscious decision to start shutting that part of me off. I was choosing to close the curtains into the realm of the spiritual. That would present it's own new struggles, especially in my family and culture, but I would rather keep my family safe in this human mortal realm.
This is a reminder that my perfectly imperfect may not actually be acceptable. I know this. It is my buried story that needs to stay buried and contained. It is what I struggle to understand, control, and manage. It can at times be what both attracts and detracts people to and from me.
When people say things like "everyone is like that" or "everyone has feelings like that," or "everyone experiences those things," sometimes I think "Well than EVERYONE needs to be medicated."
So the push back to the medication, is unwelcome.
Push back,
please go away,
please don't come again some other day.
I used to think a person is likely better off not having a major break or a major episode. It was a theory of mine; That if we could catch mental illness early enough and prevent major episodes, the person would be much better off. I think I am feeling this breaking of me to the higher degree is proving my theory to be accurate.
I can't go back, I can only move forward, but man it has sure been much more challenging moving forward this time around, and now I'm finding my body pushing back, likely not as responsive to the medication as it would have been had I not broken quite as big and been enduring without the medication and without honest help for so long.
...
...They could learn a lot from me
If only they would listen.

Out of the Darkness!

Tomorrow there is an Out the Darkness community walk. It is about fighting suicide, supporting families and people who are affected by it and trying to change stigma's around mental illness and mental health.
I want to attend and I also don't.
I want to invite my family and friends to come with me... but, I am afraid to.
I am afraid because I don't want to feel the lack of support if they say no. I am afraid to because I know some people will look at me differently, for whatever reason, no matter how I present it.
I am afraid because I don't want them to think things about my brother that may not be true because I know there will be people there that are nothing like him and nothing like how he was. I am afraid to because I am not sure I want to explain that is not just because of him that I want to attend. I am afraid to go because I may find myself in an angry tirade at IHC because they are one of the sponsors and I think that is very hypocritical considering how they have handled me.
...But mostly I am afraid to ask family and friends because I fear the rejection and how that might actually feed those fading thoughts and that core beleif that thinks I might be worthless.
Isn't that silly?
I can't attend the suicide prevention walk because I fear it might fuel it?... But then again, I think that is a pretty normally occurring phenomena. We don't want to be around sick people because we fear catching it. We don't want to accept mental illness because we fear it will increase it. We don't want to hang out with people who are different than we are because we fear we might become too similar to them.
The thing is these fears are not entirely irrational or ungrounded. Some can be, especially in the extreme, but there is some accuracy to those fears. Which is why people listen to their fears. I think when we can identify our fear we can then address it constructively and make a wise and rational decision that can benefit ourselves and others. But that fear is also a nudging into something we need to address.
So as I think of my fear and identify where it is coming from and then objectively look at it and how and why I might be feeling it, the realities of if and the extremes that are not so real or may be inaccurate, and I realize, I am pretty normal for feeling those things.
Which is why I'll go, with or without support from friends or family. They have their stuff and I have safely waited until the last minute to mention it to anyone so I can't really take it personally if they don't go anyway.
So I will go because I am normal and normal people, even good, kind, and intelligent people can struggle with this and be affected by it. I will go because even when I feel alone I am not alone and if simply being there can communicate that to someone else and offer some form of hope, I'll go.

"Keep fighting," she says; and How to change your negative core beliefs

It's not that I don't value myself. I do. But deep inside I am insecure and Dr. She says I "fear being worthless" or having no value to anyone.  She says I have a core belief about this that is in my heart. And when anything happens that will take a hit to my self esteem or sense of self worth that core is going to come out and tell me I am worthless and that what ever is happening is happening because I am worthless and/or unlovable or whatever that negative core belief is.

Yes. She is probably correct. And my brain, being the analyzer it is will often quickly agree: "Yes, that must be true because it is a basic law of economics. Supply and demand. It doesn't matter how amazing or awesome the product is, if no one is calling for it, there is no demand, it has no value." And I am so keenly aware of so many things. It is not just one thing that suggest this to my logical brain there are many. Including, but not limited to, how our flawed primary educational systems feed it. Remember all those dumb work sheets? "Good, better, best." All the sorting and categorizing? "Cut and paste all the picture that start with P, throw out the ones that don't belong"

Then I have to rationalize with things like: "I built that shed" to which the core will reply, "with your dad who was impatient and mad at you most of the time, despite how patient he has become with everyone else over the years."
So I'll try: "I biked 2 countries in 2 months with my 2 kids" to which my core will reply "and lost many friends because you tagged along and they didn't actually want you there, but you were too stupid to respond to the red flags."
"But I have at least walked a mile in the shoes of an elementary school teacher"
"And they did not offer to hold your job while you were in Brazil, plus the two teachers that shot down 100% (wish I were exaggerating there) of your ideas."

..."I am tired of fighting." I tell Dr. She today
 She said I have to keep fighting and fight harder again.
She meant it.
And while I am tired of fighting that was really all I needed to hear.
And she is correct.
So to my thoughts I say:
"now wait a minute, I didn't claim anything more than walking a mile in teacher shoes, and I fully admit that about did me in. My back gave out twice and I had more colds and lost my voice with those more times than I think I have in the rest of my life combined. And I was putting in 14 hour days, did you really want to go back to that? I did not ask them to hold the job either. Plus, those two teachers, that did, in fact, shoot down 100% (I also wish I were exaggerating) of my ideas also snagged many of those ideas out from under me and even pulled them out meetings with the big guys to make themselves look good. There is something to that which actually says a lot of good things about me."

"And I love my shed. I designed it and did a lot of the inside myself. Also it's probably good my dad feels safe enough with me to be ornery and impatient with me. He doesn't have that safety other places."

"As far as the friends, good riddance. You were there, you saw their true colors and you only biked with them for 1 out of the 2.5 months. You did this with your kids, by yourself, and you and I both know (or rather I and I know) they kind of hated you for that because it overshadowed them a bit and stole some of there glory, even though you weren't trying to."
"So core belief, you are wrong again and I am not okay with you being wrong about this so you will have to keep working on changing or be gone."
"You are right myself" and my core is softening, remembering why it has been so determined to change for me, and agreeing with Dr. She, to fight harder.
Because I am worth it.

Yes, others help determine my value

I need to feel loved.
I have felt so easily discarded and disregarded so many times by so many people that I am logically drawn to the conclusion that I am of little value.
How do we become what we are not?

Doubled up

11:45 pm
I can't sleep again.
The haunting images are coming back. My sons pocket knife left on the couch is harmless yet it begs to join the madness in my head. be physically present. And it is showing me (in visions) how it can be.
I HATE these thoughts. They are not welcome and I don't let them stay.
I force them away with whatever I've got. But sometimes they are persistent. If I change my thinking direction they will find someway to remind me of my worthlessness and advocate for killing me off in my own story. Like Antigone, not even the main character in her own play, I must die for the Creons' sake, pride and/or ego because he/they is/are the one/s in power.
Of course I will not, or at least I hope I will not, ...at very least I can say I will keep fighting for my life and resist the urge to hang myself in my forsaken tomb of abandonment- because I currently have a spoon to dig with and a few others that are hoping to help free me.
What a silly analogy.
I am already starting to feel a bit tired. Tired like my husband's patience is wearing with me.
I took 2. doubled my dose. I need to call the psychiatric PAC to get that officially prescribed. I think that may be wise.
Why the change?
Is it simply, like I already know, the medication does not change you and your thinking it just makes it possible for you to make the changes you need to.
At least that is my hope. Is that hope real?
Or is the timeline the culprit?
New neuropsychologist suggested I write one with all the things that happened, that they said or did that may have caused harm, and all the times I tried to tell them what was going one with me and it was ignored or avoided... All the times I tried to tell them that I was being haunted by suicidal thoughts followed by "I know what handle those" to keep me out of a lockup?  And all the times I tried to tell them "I just want to know what is going on with my head"
This is hard... HARD!
As I tried to write the timeline I realize and remember; it is too much. Too many times I tried to explain, to ask for help, hoping they saw what was really going on with me and believing them every time they took a different approach, decided it was something else or that I should go somewhere else.

Today: The previous was all written just before midnight last night and that last statement was exhausting enough (probably coupled with that double dose of quetiapine) to put me to sleep.
Trying to write out the timeline started the whole thing replaying again. "he loves me, he loves me not" flower petals trying to determine my fate kind of bullshit coupled with "You crazy!" and "They be crazy" and what the hell do I do about this?
I am so tired of this cycle, this damn cycle of mediocre crazy. And yet I am also immensely grateful that my crazy is so benign and understood (if only by me) because I know I am nowhere near the crazy of all the crap I hear and see all me and all around the world.
...Which can at times add to the burden I carry, because "where much is given, much is expected"
So I think it is time to walk away from all this today and enjoy my day. And I will.
But I'd like to share this funny story that was playing on the truck radio this morning: The nurse who loved me. ...( revised 9/10: Wait this isn't funny, it's the nurse that is saying hello to the rugs topography... I din't initially understand the violent attack part of it... Thankfully my crazy is much less violent towards others, an embarrassing mistake to think this song is beautiful and funny but at least evidence to suggest my own naive innocence, at least that)
Also I'm happy to say the knife is just a knife that got left laying around again; not a threat to my safety.

Superman takes Kryptonite for his sanity.

There have been many memories returned or revisited these last almost two years.
First the auto accident made everything feel off and unbalanced. My emotions were an instant mess, I felt disoriented and confused,  and even one side of my body felt taller than the other.
Then I started having feelings  and thoughts of "I have been here before, I have experienced this before" in relation to ways my brain was rerouting and functioning.
The chiropractor who suspected a concussion I was seeing did a little test. First he told me some words to remember; they were something like: apple, bubble, and ladder and I immediately recognized the visual pp, dd, bb pattern of the words so I was able to recall them later. I am not sure if he was conscious of this pattern or not, but for me, normally I don't visualize things like that so quickly and hardly care about remembering or making an effort to remember such things. However, it was an instinctive reaction, that was not how I normally function, but that felt familiar. Before he asked me to repeat those words the chiropractor had me track his finger. I was thinking it was silly and wondering why until he stopped. Then all of the sudden my head was swimming and the world was physically and visually throbbing or shaking. "What did you just do to my head," I eked  out as tears started to fall uncontrollably. I had to sit for sometime before the world stopped moving and I was able to drive myself home again.
I didn't know what magic he possessed and how he had done that to my head but I had experienced the world moving like that before, but I couldn't quite place it at that moment.
One of the more interesting things about that concussion was how my brain seemed to know how to accommodate, and even hide symptoms. I could feel the black dead ends that used to be well traveled routes and then I could feel it rerouting; doing something different to arrive at the same place. It was fascinating, confusing, exciting and scary all at the same time. It made me emotional and quiet.
Many strange moments, memories, and realizations have occurred since including the intriguing beard that suddenly spoke my name, and the names and faces that abandoned my recollection as they spoke in familiar tones; including the sensitivities to light and motion that I could not pinpoint as my internal surroundings danced around until my vestibular therapist pointed them out and we put them into controlled contexts. So many strange things I suspect related to TBI/mTBI... So many reoccurrences.
In this last week I had yet another deja vu memory. I feel as though I have been feeling pain more "normally" again since starting this mood stabilizer and I am actually happy for that because I was concerned about how I had not been feeling pain equivalent to the levels of injuries sustained (my ankle and lower back specifically). I laughed as I remembered how I had once before thought of how medication seemed to turn me into a mortal being. I used to claim an iron stomach and rarely ever got sick until I started taking nortriptyline. It worked well but eventually killed my immune system, the culprit for the ongoing flare up of cystic acne, and I was getting sick all the time. It was severe enough I had to stop taking it and my immune system came back. I don't remember what medication came after or if I was able to stop everything for awhile... I think it was lamictal next, but I am not certain. Eventually I went off all of them and was fine for sometime. Though maybe never really as well as I thought. It is hard to tell because so many things can simply be situational. I did go on adderall in 2015 and that has been a God send because so many things would pull too much energy from my brain, that I'd struggle to stay focused and keep up, which caused mild depression.
But since that dang airbag punch the head, my brain and emotions have been all over the place; functioning so differently that I have once again experienced crosses into the immortal realms. Even bigger and "better" cross overs. And as fun and/or fascinating as that may sound, if you have never experienced it, I can assure you, it is not maintainable and a sacrifice worth making so I join the realm of the mortals again (finally)  with the help of quetiapine.
Really, if you think about it: could you imagine how lonely it would be to be Superman? Yet when I take my kryptonite I find I may be more capable.

Warning: Racing Thoughts May Cause Dizziness

It is not surprising that a medication like Seroquel (Quetiapine) can have the perceived side effect of dizziness. On the label is say "may cause dizziness" but I wonder if that is a misconception?
I remember when I was a kid; we used to spin and spin each other in circles until we were dizzy. But the thing about that is you don't really start to feel the dizziness until you stop, or start to slow down. Yet the slowing and stopping are not what caused the dizziness, rather the spinning caused it. The slowing and stopping only enabled one to feel it.
It is like amusement park rides; one usually is just experiencing the thrill, exhilaration or horror of the spinning when they are spinning on a ride, it is not until after that they feel dizzy, maybe a bit light headed and a bit funny in the brain.

Maybe this explains these pictures that escaped me through paint a couple of months back.

So I think it may be the same with medications like Seroquel and I wonder if a more accurate warning might be "may experience dizziness" to which I would personally add: "as your mind finally stops or slows in its spinning and racing."

Happy Stories

The roads less traveled:
Last week I had a Friday morning appointment with Dr. She (new Neuropsychologist) and since apparently Friday morning traffic isn't as bad, I found myself arriving in the city with extra time. I really don't like how crowded the main streets can get in the city so I decided to see if I could find an alternate route on the less used and unknown backstreets.
As I explored these less used roads I enjoyed the peacefulness of it and seeing places I had never seen before. I don't think it was any faster but I enjoyed it. Then it occurred to me what I had chosen to do with my extra time.
I laughed at myself as I realized how very reflective this was of my patterns of thinking. Always looking for other options and taking different routes. I shared it with Dr. She, she also found it amusing.
Awhile back I made a meme about something like this, it has a picture of 2 kids working on academic tasks and reads "Not all who wander are lost." I will not share the meme because it has pictures of children and I do not wish to tie them to this blog, but you get the idea.
It is funny how our thinking and behavior patterns can manifest themselves in so many ways.

Omens:
Even though I know it can make me seem crazy and truthfully I can, at times, struggle with finding the right balance here, I believe in omens, signs and symbols. At certain times there seems to be more appearing than at other times. Maybe I am just paying attention, or maybe my mind feels it needs them so I subconsciously find them. I don't really know and I don't really care all that much because I think omens are fun and they make life so much more interesting.

Yesterday this little guy showed up. I was already in the house before I noticed him crossing from my shorts to my leg. It is a ladybug. I don't remember where this superstition came from but I think it is a common belief that when one lands on you it is good luck.
I like this omen. And I especially like that it came the day after my "Lucky" blog entry.
A little glimmer of hope I carefully passed along to our aphid infested roses.

More Lessons from Art Therapy:
Sessions with Dr. She are so helpful, and I feel so level and clear minded when I am talking with her these days, but is is still very tiring work for me. So yesterday I decided to paint to help relax my tired brain.
I have been wanting to paint more structured and intentional paintings. Like maybe learn to become a "real" artist, with some skill... I got this far:

Then got tired of it. Bored or too insecure to continue, I am really not to sure which. But I decided to abandon that for a bit and ended up painting this:

 Which eventually turned into this:

And it is so silly but I really like this weird picture. I enjoyed painting it. I enjoyed the process. It makes so much more sense to me and it feels comfortable.
So am I a bit stuck in my own unstructured box - a child's messy toy box? Or am I learning to embrace and appreciate the me that I am?
Maybe both, since I am likely to return to the Tiber and see how I can distort that world.
And so my lesson in art therapy yesterday... Well, I am not entirely sure yet, other than I seem to have a specific style that suites me for my sake and maybe that is okay.
Or maybe the lesson is that I am too ADD to be a lot of things
-including a stalker. And I think that is funny because I think Dr. He wanted and tried to paint me out to be one in order to save his own ass. Only asses need to save theirs by-the-way.
And I do wish the level of light hearted humor I say shit stuff like this would come across better in my writing and communication. Maybe it is a TBI or "prior undisclosed behavioral health" sense of humor that normal people just can't understand.
But, just so you know, I am not crying, I am laughing.
So, dear world, you are welcome to laugh with me.

Self Esteem boost:
My daughter has been really great for my self esteem lately. Today  she told me this is my theme song:
Dark Horse
I am the Perfect Storm
and she is Fabulous.

controlled re-entry?

I think sometimes when I see a glimmer of hope I grab it so quickly and tightly that I crush in an instant. Other times I watch and admire the little glimmer with adoration yet too insecure to catch it and keep it for myself; letting it float buy to find a more worthy recipient.
I would like to take those glimmers of hope and carefully plant them deep in my chest and then nurture them until they grow into a bright and lasting ray and a beacon of hope for others trying to navigate the waters of their own rocky shorelines.
So I am trying to both take it slow and pay attention to the glimmers of hope floating all around. I am trying to listen to each one to hear their story so I might know how to handle them carefully before I reach too quickly and carelessly.
So today as I debate staying awake or allowing sleep to overtake again and again, I find the desire to ramble down another dusty scenic byway of my brain and share stories about the journey.
...sleep keeps winning by the way. Maybe because I am trying discuss-and-compromise while it is straight up fighting to over take. I say, "okay, I'll just shut my eyes for a moment" and then sleep has me. again.
I suppose I'll fight back now with Aderall and then return to my ramblings because today that is feeling more important than once again jumping too quickly back into the world of the living and crushing my glimmers of hope.

Dear Dr. Creon

My daughter had to read the Ancient Greek play "Antigone" for school. She really liked it and insisted I read it too. I think she a had bit of ulterior motive in having me read it. She can be a bit like that, communicating her feelings through sharing indirectly related items or themes.
It was easy to see, especially as she explained to me who the main character really was, who she connected Creon with.
She may be right.
And that is the lead in and slightly vague backstory to this letter of mine:

Dear Dr. Creon,

Please stop. Please don't sacrifice Antigone for the sake of your ego. It does not have to be that way. She means no harm to you or the kingdom.
It is all madness, hers and yours. You are the one in power and you have the power to stop this madness. Please stop the madness and the perpetuation of the damage and harm already caused by these wars that were born from misunderstanding then fueled by egos, passion, and power.
Listen and be open to discussion and negotiation.
You are not on opposing sides.
Please see that, before it is too late.

Sincerely,
Your Once Loyal Subject

Whose to blame? and how to change?

Circles.
It is time to get out of this loop. And I think I can now. I have not wanted to file that report with DOPL because without help from someone I would have likely filed in an incoherent illogical way. Just ask Patient Advocate, of course that should have been sufficient evidence that a missed or misdiagnosis had certainly transpired but they choose not to see it that way. The gods that they are.
Here is the thing that really REALLY BOTHERS ME, doctors and nurses are told by their superiors and the facilities they work for to never admit fault. Never admit a mistake. I do not know if this is just a local common practice or if it is nationwide. However, I do know it is ethically and terribly wrong.
If the mistakes had been addressed early on I could have avoided a whole lot of problems, but instead they perpetuated, fueled and fed the problems in there denials and acting fake treating, constantly trying to pass the buck so that I would go away.
So the real problem, as I see it, -the much bigger and more disturbing issue- are the industry standards of not accepting responsibility, denying, ignoring, and passing the buck. It is malevolent and abusive.
They claim to do this because of "all the sue happy people" so basically they are retaliating. But their retaliation is not targeting those who have "hurt" the industry, they are retaliating against me and people like me. People who accept that doctors are human, flawed and make mistakes, and are willing to forgive them easily in exchange for the correction. But they will not admit fault, thus, especially in a situation like this, they cannot correct their actions and further perpetuate harm.
It is stubborn and asinine but they get away with it, time and time again. Who knows the reality of lives and livelihoods lost due to these apathetic practices.
We preach honesty and yet repeatedly punish the honest.
And the thing that gets me, that keeps me from moving forward, is that I know that in order to be heard the massive organization is likely to pick a scapegoat and punish one while reinforcing bad policies. I do not doubt this because it is exactly what they did with me. They even told me so when I questioned the investigation (I really did not understand it, a huge problem for an intelligent, brain damaged, PTSD-style memory returning, manic altered mess of a person). "It is not likely going to help you but it will help other patients." they told me.
Not true, not fair. If they refuse to even apologize and are claiming others and themselves will benefit from my misfortune but I will be expected to take all the fall, blame, pain, bills, expense than I do not trust them at all. Not a bit. It is a farce and fraud.
Yet, what can I do?  Just to be heard I am going to have to make my voice big. I will have to start advertising and soliciting the whole thing, basically marketing my mental deficiencies to the world in an effort to win enough support so they will listen. I have to prove to the world I am worth saving... Those are big shoes to fill and I have had to fight so damn hard just to believe it myself.
And To go after them, the multiple mistakes that doctors I cared about made could jeopardize their careers.
Yet they absolutely deserve it. But if they were following protocol then this either, again, reinforces bad policies or they will become the scapegoats. I am not okay with either. They need to learn, but they should not be too harshly punished as individuals. And yet, maybe they should be, because this has been a ridiculous journey, insane in so many ways, and them being the insane.
For example: I have talked with the police officer who responded to the call. He felt they should not have called, he's explanation to me is that they were trying to pass the buck. He is sorry to have traumatized my son.
My new psychiatric PA was surprised they called also. She said if I told them I was not in danger and not an immediate threat to myself their was no reason to call. I also know this rule and I had definitely told her that. The conversation ended with me explaining that I only had 20 minutes before work and I needed to get my head straight and talking to her was not helping. Obviously I had every intention of going to work, not harming myself.
And still, I can tell you, of this HUGE company that has many providers all over, I have not heard a thing from anyone as a follow up to that call. To me that suggests ulterior motives which do not include my or my families wellbeing. They do not wish to help but they will not hesitate to further traumatize.
The whole thing is corrupt, and who is to blame?  I won't have any say on who takes the fall and how hard they choose to throw them down, if they do in fact decide that.
So circles...
frustrating bullshit harm
I did not want to hire a lawyer. Still don't, but I am begining to see, I may just need to live up to their expectation... When in Rome...
What a messed up system.