who decides anyway?

Why is this so hard?
I know this will pass but my heart hurts too much still. It has affected me in ways I didn't expect and in ways that make me feel like my heart is betraying me... and my family.
I don't sleep well.
It is unresolved for me. Too much was ignored. Too much was missed. and I was not allowed what I needed. It was not about me and my needs when that is exactly what it needed to be about. That is not selfish when you are paying for services. When that is really what it is supposed to be about.
That is partly my fault. I let it be about other people. I was worried about performing just so for everyone else. I was starting to see that it needed to be about me and that is when I got dropped.
Now my lawyer won't talk to me either. He thinks I am asking him to be more than I think I am asking. I wanted him to find out. Find out if something was missed. Figure it out and solve it for me since I was not allowed to. Since I don't know how to play their game but it is obvious they are worried about "liability" and not me. He is the one I hired to take care of all the car accident related stuff. I think he thinks this is not car accident related. I am not sure if it is. That is why I was there originally; my head was a mess from that. It was a mess. I had regressed and suppressed and forgotten even who I was. I don't know what caused what.
But I am confusing to people.

I am still basing my value on how others perceive and treat me?
That is really stupid and self-absorbed to think your value lies only in your own selfish ego. That we don't need others and that their opinions don't matter or count. Now I am being judgmental aren't I?
I care about others and value their professional opinions but that does not mean they have to value me.
I should not judge them for that I suppose...
I am trying to find the balance and sometimes doing great at it, while other times failing miserably.
I am angry and hurt. but mostly hurt ...and sad.
I have been tricked, manipulated and played with like a fascinating toy; when I needed help. I had mistaken the fascination for genuine caring and I have to remind myself that it was not real, only just a game. I have to sort it out, alone, what was real and what was imagined or misinterpreted. I have to fill in the blanks of the professional whose answers I never got (but am paying for still) or I have to relive it and try to figure out by trying to find the "right" fit and "right" doctors to help me from here. I don't want to relive it and figure it out without the person who actually knows what happened. I don't want others to make up stories about me and to pretend to understand me with out talking to me. I am not everyone else, I am not a stereotype, I am not a stigma, I am not a liability, I am not a mental illness, I am not incoherent. I am not ignorant, I am not a toy or a pawn and I am not unintelligent. I am not a statistic.
I cannot be busy enough to escape this.
Maybe I need to try harder... a cycle... I know that cycle...is that a positive one or a negative one? I don't remember.