Are you crazy 2?

"what do you hope to get out of it"
that is the question of filing a complaint
a discussion, understanding, a chance to clarify; when I am stronger and more rational, a chance to set things straight when I am no longer a child and I am willing to be vulnerable; not when I am forced to be vulnerable and naively being played. Even a chance to test my own stability and try my boundaries, a chance to put him back into a reality reference on my terms since treatment was supposed to be about me and not him. It did not end that way. It was non-negotiable coming down to what he needs versus what I need. But he was in "the position of power" so his needs win.
It did not and does not need to be that way. I did not need to be sacrificed to save him. I want a chance to rewrite the ending in a way that my brain can balance better and in a way that lines up with the idea I was sold: that they will do their best to do no harm and that treatment was supposed to be about me and helping me.
"it'll never happen" they say
"they don't care and it is really just about money".. and now liability they tell me

I know that is the sad reality but it is not where I choose to put my faith.
I'll try anyway
unfortunately I make so many mistakes. I have made so many mistakes
but that is the irony and the paradox and all those things that are funny about this anyway. I am allowed to make those mistakes and it makes perfect sense that I do. They are the ones who are supposed to be helping me work through that. That is what I am paying them for. They are the ones being paid to see and understand that, figure that out, and then help me work through those problems. I want to. I am the "perfect" client/patient in that regard, and yet they are refusing. They don't want to and are unwilling to do their professed jobs. They would rather do harm. The office manager/director  or whatever she is, actually yelled at me, in front of my kids. It upset my kids more than it upset me. They needed to talk about it, they hate her and think she is a horrible person. They now hate the whole operation, even when I try to rationalize some of it. I think it is best to allow them that pain and to allow them to stand up for me and themselves by feeling angry and even saying mean things about her. I don't think it would be good for me or them to work to convince them right now about how we need to be kind and give people the benefit of the doubt.
Sometimes the only cheek left to turn is a bare-mooned ass.
After all she did this yelling after 2 weeks of ignoring a request to resolve these matters and refusing to provide me with a copy of the patients rights and responsibilities. She insisted I was asking for Dr. P to still be my therapist when I clearly stated then and in the email request I had sent that I DO NOT want that but rather want to resolve what had happened with who it had happened with and not with other therapists and doctors that don't have the full story and that continues to cost my family more money; with this complication and his statement of car accident treatment being complete it is no longer due to the car accident, even if the mood stability crazy is directly linked to it... so it will only come form our pockets. Their "solution" is keeping a cycle of harm going.
 It is insanity
It is absolute insanity
I think they think I am trying or was trying to seduce him. They are wrong.
I think they think I might try to sue them
If they keep it up, they might be right, but that is not at all the route I want to go yet at some point their actions suggest there might be grounds to, because ignoring, intimidating, avoiding, and charging new charges for a treatment that so obviously went awry [and who knows when it stopped being about me] really is not okay. But still, I'd rather not go down that path and I still think this can be worked out
I have a lot of faith in humanity.
In people and foolishly maybe, but I still do, have a lot of faith in Dr. P.
I see no reason not to. If I try and fail then I will be disappointed. If I don't try at all then I agree to their crazy and I am mess for who knows how long and I will be disappointed. Either way I will be disappointed. I'd rather put my faith in people and work to be the change I wish to see, even with my very flawed me.
I'd rather try and be wrong than not try and be right.
and here is my new epiphany:
I am not the one who is insane
it is all crazy
I just have a harder time ignoring crazy and staying emotionally balanced through it
I am more sensitive to the insanities of our duel natures and that most people can just play along with
I have a harder time ignoring crazy and being okay with it
and that is it
 I have solved it. hah!
go me
I was right and you were wrong, and learning to embrace insanity really is what I need to work on. but not just mine. I have to recognize and embrace others insanity as well.
It feels good to be able to move beyond me and solving me.
Now that I have solved me
I can continue to be the change I wish to see in the world
as just little old me
I am not significant and they see no value in me
But it matters very little because they are wrong.
They could learn a lot from me. I really could help them. I am the other side of their profession that they have lost touch with and I will try to help them see that
but in the end I will be okay, knowing I gave it my best shot no matter what happens.
I hope they will hear me if not for their sake for mine because I wish for my heart not to be stuck in the confusion it is in for too much longer and getting Dr. P back into a more solidly real form can fix that.... or break me completely again, but I'm willing to take that risk. Either way, I'd at least know for sure what kind of broken I am and how to move forward. Its a win win, instead of a lose lose. I am the patient who needs to have some say in the direction of her care, that is all. I am the client who actually can recover and move on, knowing we are not in this alone. Someone who has the faith to keep trying.
Please give me that chance.
so Are you crazy 2? Yes, yes you are -but I bet you already knew that
... and then I am finding that distance, breaking free of the memory and heartache... until the image of the balanced scale with "ideal" on one end pops into my head..
AAARGH CURSE YOU Dr. P,  Just get out of my freaking head! ... it will eventually fade... but really, the timing was so freaking terrible and the termination was not handled well.