Mania

I was able to talk to my brother-in-law (I have mentioned him before, and he has written some books on bipolar) about mania.
It was really nice being able to talk to him about it. I talked with him actually while I was still a bit manic (or maybe still very manic, but I manage well) and he was alarmed then. "That sounds like mania" he said with intense concern in his eyes.
"Oh I know" I said. But I had it figured out already.
That is one of the funniest ironies of mania. How well you can have it figured out and know you are in complete control. Hell, you are in like super-human strength control.
And maybe, just maybe it might still be considered hypo-mania because I was able to manage without damage...
Okay, without too much damage.
Mostly I was pretty freaking awesome and powerful and while I was experiencing every single sensation of every single moment magnified by 1000 I was still aware of my surroundings and other people. I did not have hallucinations that were entirely fictitious although the signs, symbols and maybe a couple of lizards may not have been as real as I thought they were. Also my feelings...
Those may not have been as real as I thought either.
Which may have been a bit problematic. Plus then I communicate from a higher plane too... and that can/may have been a bit of a problem.
But I am good. I have gotten real good at self-regulation. I have gotten good at seeming perfectly sane. It's yet another hilarious irony, because I am, probably more so than most sane people now because I am self-aware and I know when my thoughts and emotions are becoming irrational...
Maybe I wasn't quite as on top of it as I thought but overall I did a good job navigating my crazy as I chose to embrace and enjoy it instead of fighting it.
But oh mania
If that is what drugs are like... I can see how they become a problem for people. But I have to admit I think an artificial attempt at that would be really stupid and I would not at all trust the other side. And I doubt it can even come close anyway. But the fun of it is so fun. Your senses and sensations are so heightened. You can feel happiness surging through your whole body. Every thing is beautiful and wonderful and perfectly aligned, until it is not, then it is the depths of hell. ...but if you decide to be empowered by your brokenness and choose to hold on to that euphoric place you can turn the depths of hell into a cosmic amusement park and keep euphoria going as your superpowers give you the strength to turn the world up-side-down.
And you are so productive. Extra energy and stamina. Very little sleep is needed as you have far too much to do.
This mania was the highest I have experienced. But also the most painful. Probably why it took me so high, I needed to survive after all. But when it starts to fade, when the threat starts to fade.
Oh it is boring. Even a 2nd grade classroom is boring and meaningless. I was able to tap into it the dopamine cycle some and perpetuate them to some extent for a few months but alas all good things must come to an end.
It is a bit sad to loose those feelings. Honestly I'd love to live the rest of my life there. But probably my life would not be very long there. The cortisol that came with it was wearing on my heart and no sleep was wearing on my body. A sinus infection aligned with my final manic meeting.

Talking to my brother-in-law was kind of fun, because he really gets it. It is a struggle for him to take medication that makes him feel so low, slow and dumbed down. But with out it he does not have the regulation abilities I have. He broke too big too young. I do wonder if I will be able to manage as well now but I think I am still doing okay. I am medicated for depression and anxiety, that probably helps. But as I look back I am so glad that I am not experiencing as much of that as I used to. I am glad that I stay out of the heaven and hell cycle that used to be such normal part of my life. I am glad that I could manage and mostly knew what to do through this biggest and longest manic episode.
But I tell you what, it's not easy and other people truly don't understand. Yet they are needed to help keep one in check. Part of how I set up my boundaries is by saying "hey, I am irrational right now, you might need to take care of this for me." But they do not understand and to them crazy is "bad."

We talked about that self-regulation and my brother-in-law asked me why it was that I didn't want to pursue the psychiatrist or a medication change. He wondered what that meant to me. It is hard to explain. I have played the medication game before and it can be hard. The side-effects can really suck and I don't want to be dependent, I don't want someone else making the decisions for me, and I don't know that I really need it.
He helped me realize that I felt I would be taking medication for other people's sake, not for mine. I can handle myself and I can manage, but other people don't really know how to handle me and that hurts.
It is something to consider. I do not think taking medication for the sake of others and your family members is a bad thing but if those closest to you are not worried about it and not bugging you to get on something then it is probably okay. It is not always easy to know when medication is needed for you or for others.
I am back and forth on it a bit currently but I mostly feel fine and getting better so I don't really want to mess with that... However I am open to suggestions so if you know me personally you are welcome to weigh in.