Depression

this post was drafted in 1/26-ish
Remember the Jesus Man and the night I spent in the waiting room of a mental health facility in Florida?
The next morning when I got to be evaluated I was told that I had depression. Maybe manic was used in there too, and maybe the word clinical. I really don't recall, at that point depression was the only word that I knew so it was the word that stuck. It was quite the conversation and bit of a hard one, especially since I came from my family where you just get over it and stop feeling sorry for yourself. I was not sure how to handle this news and was not sure I wanted to take medication. But I agreed. She was very persuasive and I liked her temperament so I listened and agreed. I also agreed to meet with a lovely psychologist, her name was Peggy (or maybe that was the psychiatrist). It was in talking with her that I learned that it was actually not a normal thing to have thoughts of self destruction and how. She legitimately and authentically answered "no" after giving it some thought when I asked her if she really had never thought about it.
It was mind blowing.
Maybe there really was a medical problem with me.
I also explained how I felt I was being crushed by an anvil like in the cartoons, only it was slow and constant.
I told here about how I wanted to break my brain open so I could see all the pieces and sort out the puzzle that was inside. I explained how I was stuck in indecision because I wanted to do everything and if I started down one path that would keep me from doing the other things and then I'd be missing out on those. She learned about my excessive jobs (I think I held four at the time) and my slew of activities I was involved in during high school. I didn't see her that many times, but I loved her and she was a great source of comfort to me. She helped me be okay with taking medication.
When I arrived back home all the way across the country a few months later, one of the first things I did was head to the library to find out what I could about this "illness" I had been diagnosed with. I think the word manic may have been used because I remember information about that in my stack of books. My stack was at least knee high, probably closer to my waist. One of those stacks that make you think "Wow, I am surprised a public library lets people check out that many books at once."
I renewed them a couple of times.
I will admit I did not fully read all of them, I probably didn't fully read any of them front to back really, but I read a lot. I skimmed to what was most important to know. What would help me. I only skimmed most of the personal stories as I started to feel the sense of hopelessness that was a common theme.
While I learned a lot, like that caffeine and alcohol are major contributors to depression and anxiety, that regular exercise and a healthy diet were important etc., Over all I really did not like how damn depressing they all were. How so much of the writing was there to convince me or my family members that this was going to be a problem for me my entire life.
With much resolve and determination I decided that was not for me. I would not like that to be me. I was not going to let this be a damned lifelong depressing battle.
And though I enjoy some crazy sometimes and I do occasionally go on antidepressant (this most recent because of the car accident) I feel that over all I have beat the hellish depression of my younger days. Even having lost myself and feeling the pain of rejection from some pretty intense situations, I am not depressed, at times delusional, sometimes sad and hurt.  okay, I suppose sometimes I am depressed but I have learned so many coping strategies and know how to identify it, treat it, embrace it, and avoid it as needed. And really I feel quite happy about this. Looking back I can say it sucks and it's hard but I can also say I have learned and gained so much in really truly trying to overcome it and/or work with it. I am a better and happier version of me because of it!
Really, depression is not all bad. :)

The Seductress

“Stop emailing me” It was a direct command, stated very boldly. It was a side of him I had not seen before and it was a bit scary but mostly it was odd, because it was meant to be scary and it was meant to be a type of Jedi mind trick. I figured that much. and looking back it is funny to me. 

“yeah, sorry about that,” I responded casually, “I figured I had that luxury..."
He scrambled... soft voice, maybe baffled by my reaction, "It's just that it was... very deep and... it could get me in trouble..." or something to that effect, but he didn't seem to know quite what to say or maybe even what he was saying. 
I couldn't figure why it would get him into trouble. Nothing "wrong" had been said or transpired. 
...but then again I was a bit... oh, yep, there it is; manic... which was actually the point I was trying to make or what I was trying to help him see at the time through the emails, (though that was not my manic conscious intention; however, looking back at them it is clearly obvious)
and, well, in those manic times... interpretations are very easily misconstrued.

I think some of his staff think I was there with the intent to seduce. I think they have tried to convince him of that. Or he them. 
It's taken me awhile to figure that one out, because it is harder to figure out the things people suspect or are likely accusing you of when your intentions are so far from that. 
But I think my mystical manic abilities fooled them and they felt threatened by my temporary superpowers, so that is what made sense to their menial mortal minds. 
Which must mean I am really good because they are the professionals. They are the ones with doctorates, fancy titles of influence and accolades and yet they felt and feel threatened by little old me!
A power struggle and I was winning when I wasn't even playing.
its so freaking hilarious!
(but also very frustrating)
and as far as the Jedi mind tricks go: It won't work on me if it is that obvious and I will let you know that you are only allowed to have as much power over me as I allow you to have. I'll obey if I want to obey. 
Buried me, coming to the surface
Yes mam' 
Welcome Back

Cherished and grieved

... and on that note I will add that I am realizing that I can not simply let go and forget those people who I cherish in my heart. When I try to my heart breaks and hurts and I find myself fading and dying with them. And while I may not be able to have them in my life all the time or even at all, I will forever cherish them -no matter the fight I have to fight for me- and my heart will always be open for and to them.
And today, this new day like everyday, I embrace me and continue to work to be the best version of me. Today I am choosing to be patient with my grieving. To love myself through it and forgive myself. To be kind to myself because I did not ask for this and I was not ready to grieve a loss that was both significant to me and confusing.
Today I am not trying to fight, push out or burn up memories I am just letting them be what they are and loving them the way I do when I think of others I have lost.
I would never try to push memories of my brother out, try to force myself to "get over" him. He is cherished to me and I hold onto and cherish the memories of him.
I found strength today in thinking of my ex-therapist similarly. I do not think of him like I do a brother but he was a cherished and dear person to me with whom I connected easily and more deeply than I ever let him know. While I understand I have to let him go and grieve that loss I do not want to lose him anymore than I wanted to lose my brother and so I suppose I will have to let his memories stay... because as he fades and die so do I*
...and I still have far too much life left in me
(*and though that sounds super romantic [kind of super cheesy] and maybe it is; it also may just merely be the one sided reality for the client/patient that was dealt the hand of premature/mishandled termination, lost objectivity, and/or office politics driven decisions in counseling/psychotherapy)

Isabella

While we were in Brazil (my kids and myself) my son participated in a youth beach soccer group once a week -Flamenco's, I believe. It was pretty fun to see what they were teaching the kids in Brazil soccer organizations because many of the moves are "illegal" in our US youth soccer organizations (i.e. bicycle kicks and headers). My daughter and I enjoyed hanging out on the beach and watching while my son played. My daughter participated in dance instead of soccer while there so she hung with me instead of the soccer kids.
One week we met a lady who was visiting Rio from a different Brazilian state. Her daughter being a huge soccer enthusiast was excited to participate in the beach soccer practice.
Isabella had done some schooling in the US and had also lived in New Zealand (the daughter was born there and her dad still lived there) so she was an easy person for us to talk to since she was fluent in English (we were far from fluent in Portuguese).
We hit it off very well, so well that she invited us to come visit her in her home state of Bahia.
This may be the sort of thing that earns me a reputation for being crazy but after some phone conversations and some WhatsApp communication we decided to take her up on the offer. So off we went to stay with Isabella and her daughter and some of their friends for 2 weeks.
My son still considers this the best two weeks of his life. If he could live anywhere or travel anywhere in the world he insists it would be Pria de Forte. It really was an amazing two weeks and I absolutely love and admire the friends we made. We learned so much from them in such a short period of time and had so many great experiences it feels like it was a lifetime worth of experiences.

But there is one image of the beautiful, quirky, carefree, and amazing Isabella that is forever etched in my memory that I find myself more often referring to in my broken brain; it is of Isabella standing in the airport with her eyes closed taking a deep breath and slowly, though not super obviously letting it out. It was and had been a bizarre and stressful day, by no fault of any of our parties (well, maybe a little of it) but she remained calm, present and pleasant. I was impressed.
I had witnessed her doing this other times and it impressed me. Knowing what I knew about her pilates training and enthusiasm I figured it was a centering technique that came from that -I am not certain- but I loved the simple yet profound example she set for me as she would take these deep breaths and release them in such a controlled way.
She is one of my all-time favorite people in this world even though we haven't seen each other for years and rarely talk, but the moments we had are highly cherished and her influence lives on in me forever as I refer back to her when I need to take my own calming and cleansing breaths to help me stay calm, focused and happy. I will forever love her and her daughter as they had become part of my heart.

Are you crazy 2?

"what do you hope to get out of it"
that is the question of filing a complaint
a discussion, understanding, a chance to clarify; when I am stronger and more rational, a chance to set things straight when I am no longer a child and I am willing to be vulnerable; not when I am forced to be vulnerable and naively being played. Even a chance to test my own stability and try my boundaries, a chance to put him back into a reality reference on my terms since treatment was supposed to be about me and not him. It did not end that way. It was non-negotiable coming down to what he needs versus what I need. But he was in "the position of power" so his needs win.
It did not and does not need to be that way. I did not need to be sacrificed to save him. I want a chance to rewrite the ending in a way that my brain can balance better and in a way that lines up with the idea I was sold: that they will do their best to do no harm and that treatment was supposed to be about me and helping me.
"it'll never happen" they say
"they don't care and it is really just about money".. and now liability they tell me

I know that is the sad reality but it is not where I choose to put my faith.
I'll try anyway
unfortunately I make so many mistakes. I have made so many mistakes
but that is the irony and the paradox and all those things that are funny about this anyway. I am allowed to make those mistakes and it makes perfect sense that I do. They are the ones who are supposed to be helping me work through that. That is what I am paying them for. They are the ones being paid to see and understand that, figure that out, and then help me work through those problems. I want to. I am the "perfect" client/patient in that regard, and yet they are refusing. They don't want to and are unwilling to do their professed jobs. They would rather do harm. The office manager/director  or whatever she is, actually yelled at me, in front of my kids. It upset my kids more than it upset me. They needed to talk about it, they hate her and think she is a horrible person. They now hate the whole operation, even when I try to rationalize some of it. I think it is best to allow them that pain and to allow them to stand up for me and themselves by feeling angry and even saying mean things about her. I don't think it would be good for me or them to work to convince them right now about how we need to be kind and give people the benefit of the doubt.
Sometimes the only cheek left to turn is a bare-mooned ass.
After all she did this yelling after 2 weeks of ignoring a request to resolve these matters and refusing to provide me with a copy of the patients rights and responsibilities. She insisted I was asking for Dr. P to still be my therapist when I clearly stated then and in the email request I had sent that I DO NOT want that but rather want to resolve what had happened with who it had happened with and not with other therapists and doctors that don't have the full story and that continues to cost my family more money; with this complication and his statement of car accident treatment being complete it is no longer due to the car accident, even if the mood stability crazy is directly linked to it... so it will only come form our pockets. Their "solution" is keeping a cycle of harm going.
 It is insanity
It is absolute insanity
I think they think I am trying or was trying to seduce him. They are wrong.
I think they think I might try to sue them
If they keep it up, they might be right, but that is not at all the route I want to go yet at some point their actions suggest there might be grounds to, because ignoring, intimidating, avoiding, and charging new charges for a treatment that so obviously went awry [and who knows when it stopped being about me] really is not okay. But still, I'd rather not go down that path and I still think this can be worked out
I have a lot of faith in humanity.
In people and foolishly maybe, but I still do, have a lot of faith in Dr. P.
I see no reason not to. If I try and fail then I will be disappointed. If I don't try at all then I agree to their crazy and I am mess for who knows how long and I will be disappointed. Either way I will be disappointed. I'd rather put my faith in people and work to be the change I wish to see, even with my very flawed me.
I'd rather try and be wrong than not try and be right.
and here is my new epiphany:
I am not the one who is insane
it is all crazy
I just have a harder time ignoring crazy and staying emotionally balanced through it
I am more sensitive to the insanities of our duel natures and that most people can just play along with
I have a harder time ignoring crazy and being okay with it
and that is it
 I have solved it. hah!
go me
I was right and you were wrong, and learning to embrace insanity really is what I need to work on. but not just mine. I have to recognize and embrace others insanity as well.
It feels good to be able to move beyond me and solving me.
Now that I have solved me
I can continue to be the change I wish to see in the world
as just little old me
I am not significant and they see no value in me
But it matters very little because they are wrong.
They could learn a lot from me. I really could help them. I am the other side of their profession that they have lost touch with and I will try to help them see that
but in the end I will be okay, knowing I gave it my best shot no matter what happens.
I hope they will hear me if not for their sake for mine because I wish for my heart not to be stuck in the confusion it is in for too much longer and getting Dr. P back into a more solidly real form can fix that.... or break me completely again, but I'm willing to take that risk. Either way, I'd at least know for sure what kind of broken I am and how to move forward. Its a win win, instead of a lose lose. I am the patient who needs to have some say in the direction of her care, that is all. I am the client who actually can recover and move on, knowing we are not in this alone. Someone who has the faith to keep trying.
Please give me that chance.
so Are you crazy 2? Yes, yes you are -but I bet you already knew that
... and then I am finding that distance, breaking free of the memory and heartache... until the image of the balanced scale with "ideal" on one end pops into my head..
AAARGH CURSE YOU Dr. P,  Just get out of my freaking head! ... it will eventually fade... but really, the timing was so freaking terrible and the termination was not handled well.

lost

...and the pain just won't die
Solving actually seems to help some
So many songs with so much pain. at least I know I am not alone. this is "normal"
heartbreak is "normal" (I try not to listen too much)
this http://www.continuingedcourses.net/active/courses/course065.php
tells me... the perfect storm. It's not real...
much more tells me of the stigma attached.
there is no hope.
I am truly not worth it
I am still holding on... or at least I wish to. though I am realizing I have to let go. so very completely
It is what I knew I wasn't ready for
it is what I knew I couldn't do just then, not like that, not when I was so completely broken. standing literally on broken parts, held up by adrenaline and endorphins that had been over worked for the last year. a last surge to keep me up when the rug was being pulled
How did he miss it?
or did it just not matter?
Solving- I also figured out that APA is pretty bullshit and it is I that would hold the power to cause the problem. which I would not do... or maybe I would... I didn't let it go that way... but now, with nothing I am being treated as though that is exactly what I did or am supposed to do.
of course that makes me suspicious and I wonder if I then need to.
a moral obligation? stuff I have already hit on
but the only thing that is really real is the pain of loss.
I don't belong anywhere.
no matter how or what I try it just never seems to be the right place for me...
I was supposed to get answers there. I had found my place and I felt I was on the right track. but the rug, pulled
with words that said too much and nothing at all. and it was my fault.. because I spoke? tried to speak up, but with words that were taboo, that were "forbidden" though I didn't know.
Now one therapist insists it meant nothing the other thinks it meant everything.
and I have to keep repeating the story to figure out if I am "stable" and even "employable"
of course I am... but my emotions are not helping to sell me right now. they leak out when they are not supposed to. sometimes even when I believe that I am fine.
I'm mostly fine... but mostly, with my resume, just isn't good enough
What do I want to be when... I am grown up.
Lost
I want to be lost
... no that is just what I am
forever lost in the world that I don't belong in.

grooming psychologists

And what about the grooming psychologist?
When he realizes it is not going as planned all he has to do is claim "counter-transference" and he is off scotch free. Easy peasy
They are dropped, with their scarlet letter of L and he's the hero for not succumbing and moves on easy while the groomed is left with an altered mind.
The grooming was working, just has he knew it would, but she was too instinctively in tune due to so many things he forgot to learn in his effort to maintain a safe grooming distance, that she so naturally -without even realizing- was putting into place the safeguards against it. Determined to be what she needed to so desperately believe she was; something of value.
But she had been manipulated to believe he cares too deeply and she is a liability. She has been manipulated (when she is vulnerable) to believe that her uniqueness has never really been appreciated by others, that she isolates herself and that she is in fact the one looking for something sexual.
..now sex with her husband is sex with the other man... and the man who makes it good, she'll never have.
What have you done!!!...what have I become...

He's fine and nothing worse for the wear.
but what will become of her, the forbidden?

Psychology is bullshit

I think that the profession of psychology is total bullshit. They decide what you are and then manipulate how you behave to fit whatever diagnosis or prognosis most benefits them.
Then they teach you to be independent or dependent depending on what they want the outcome to be. I bet most people going to psychologists actually have a better perception of reality than the therapists.
Okay, that is a bit of an angry, jaded exaggeration.
But I am starting to really understand why my friend does not want to go because she is afraid of "something like that happening." To trust, be betrayed or manipulated and then discarded like trash and told treatment is complete. That is such bullshit.
"You truly are the worthless trash you questioned you were coming in. We can confirm that for you, solidify it into a solid belief. Yep, you are not worth our time but we will still charge you for it." what a great note to end on. And all your efforts to understand your own mood stability, to clarify, set the record straight and to have your questions about your mental state answered are going to be warped into whatever egotistical power play they want to use to get you to go away. But you better believe they will not negotiate. Why would they? You are merely a liability for asking and must be looking to do as much harm as they have. Or you must just be looking for a lawsuit because nobody in the real world actually cares and the professional and personal worlds only cross when someone is looking to make money, right? It's such bullshit.
"do no ...more... harm [then they can]"
Yep, I'd rather be my kind of crazy.

Opioids?

It was a good reset and I am still feeling strength from it.
But last night -hard time sleeping.
Because I didn't feel like I needed it
Oh no
...and new thoughts
not that this is bad, but remember
I am a bit fragile in my stability.
Opioids-hydrocodone
These things kill pain. They make you feel good, that is why people get addicted. Oh yeah... hmm could this be the real reason why I felt "normal" and so happy about it?
Should I just enjoy that and go with it?
Since it was about 1:00 am and I had not overly slept that day after really not sleeping before getting up at 5 am for surgery... although I had a great nap going under...
-I do, at times, think it would be nice to just not even worry about such things.
But alas for me that is not always the wise option and that is okay. I am okay with thinking it through and planning ahead to keep me "stable." I find my mind to be a fascinating place at times and this is one of those. I am fascinating to study when I am "crazy" and to truly figure it out sometimes I need to test and research but now does not seem like a good time to test with a new drug.
So opioids: what might be the potential risks there for me?
My husband was surprised they weren't knocking me out. Of course I was only taking one. My pain has been tiny, I am more trying to "stay ahead of the pain" and control swelling.
But this new drug is definitely not knocking me out and... crap, this is odd, that sex drive is feeling... stronger...
So I took to my phone for a moment, to research a bit, to make sure I am staying in a reasonably safe place.
okay phone "can opioids trigger mania?" I am pretty sure, as fun as that can be, I do not want that while I am trying to heal an ankle that requires 6 weeks of no weight bearing. And it is 6 weeks, believe me, I tried to get the doctor to negotiate on that, but, nope six weeks is the minimum on this one to be sure it heals correctly and if I am going to go through the hassle I want it to heal correctly. so mania... probably not a good time to test that.
What does my search turn up? ncbi.nln.nih.gov "Mood-elevating effects of opioid analgesics in patients with bipolar disorder"
disclaimer: I do not claim bipolar. I struggle with mood stability but this could be more head injury related than anything else. I still don't recall if I have formally been diagnosed. I refuse those (formal diagnosis's). I do not feel they are helpful when there is so much stigma attached and I do not want to be defined by that label. Also I have (or at least believe I have) been able to figure out and monitor myself reasonably well to stay level. At times I go on medication but I do not always need medication. However, that is the label that turns up again and again when I search for answers and solutions to help me stay safely and reasonably grounded. (it is times like this that I feel very cheated by the neuropsychiatrist that dropped me and now refuses to talk to me, but I digress) but in this information I find that opioids have been found to be helpful in "refractory depression" -refractory; that is a new word, it just means stubborn. Which I do not have, but the fact that it helps in with depression is interesting. I also find that "analgesic opioids" have been found to trigger mania in one study. There is not a ton of information immediately so it is not likely a well studied or common knowledge "problem." But it is enough for me to rethink the use of the opioids. The pleasant mood is nice but at 3:45 am I decided on ibuprofen and melatonin... I need to keep a decent sleep cycle and I suppose if there is a risk of mania I will opt out for now. I've got things to do that would be best to stay level through.
It is fascinating though that our pain receiving part of the brain does not distinguish between physical and psychological pain. It is no wonder that yesterday I felt so much more free of that burden... maybe I will end up carefully using these opioids but not to kill the ankle pain and more research is needed before I make that decision. (to be clear, I am referring to the potential of carefully using a low dose to pull through the heartache and psychological pain of my recent loss. I am not implying anything illegal, irresponsible or suicidal)

Pleasantries and Surgeries

YAY! Ankle surgery done and I'm going to be okay.
I am seriously so happy right now that my surgeon is now my new boyfriend.
I am totally kidding about the boyfriend (he's not, it's only funny in light of recent events -that weren't actually even like that)
But I am seriously happy because surgery went well and I came out of anesthesia just fine.
No weird freaky emotions that I was fearing. Nothing like coming out of anesthesia 12 years ago when I had my wisdom teeth removed.
It means I am not so broken after all. I am really truly going to be just fine.
Going in I was sooo scared. Toughing it out and pleasantry with the nurse that set the iv and all that but nervous.
Then the operation nurse came in... and, oh no, not another bizarre emotional coincidence. It was my brother's ex-mother-in-law. Not someone I feel too fondly of for a few good reasons. And I had to trust her?  I have not seen her for a couple of years and we don't know each other in person all that well so she either didn't recognize me or acted as though she did not recognize me but I definitely recognized her. A conundrum. What to do? Request a new nurse? Not really anytime. So when she came back I reminded her of who I was. She was kind and polite, she even gave me a hug. That was good and she introduced me as the aunty to her grand babies, great direction to take it. It made me feel a little better about it. She wheeled me to the operating room. "I thought I was supposed to be asleep before I came into this scary place" I nervously joked with my doctor.
...But still those histories are hard to erase so quickly and with the nerves already wearing thin and so much to take in in this new room with the familiar and unfamiliar faces I started feeling really funny before they started to drug me. I had to remind myself to breath which really made me cry and it started to feel like a melt down. Fortunately the surgeon and the anesthesiologist and both nurses were so kind and quick to get me to sleep. The anesthesiologist was so sweet and he laughed with me but reassured me when it turned to tears, still carefully holding onto some of my humor as he put me out. Even the nurses/tech, including bro's ex-ma-in-law were sweet as they busily prepped.
The next thing I knew I was waking up and feeling very normal. A little funny but normal and that made me so happy that the new nurses thought I was happy delirious. I was a little but really much more coherent than any of them understood. I'm sure they thought it was strange that I was so happy about my blood pressure and heart rate 114/69 with 54 bpm before and 109/sixty-something with bpm ranging from 45-55 after. That is more like it. That is what my heart likes to be at. I was so relieved to feel so level and happy that it was quite a pleasant experience.
Yay. I needed that.
Surgery was fun and relaxing compared to the crazy that has been going on with me these past few months.
Who'd have thought?
I am confident I can handle this now. I have some faith restored in the medical industry again and I have some faith restored in myself again.

Avoidance: my treacherous friend

but in the end I wouldn't even let him open up to me. I kept cutting him off before he could say things that I knew would either get him into trouble or hurt me. I would not let him finish. I would not listen... because I was still protecting
...how does that even work...
I suppose I am safe again. in my sameness
and so is he.
what a miserable place to be.
Even though it is not;
it's ever so interesting
always
and I'll turn it around again... I suppose. maybe I'll do a better job this time.
Maybe I won't
I think I'll go for a walk now
I'll have more time tomorrow for all these stupid haunting head games -tomorrow
bare my sole and get over it completely
You know reality is the best way to kill fantasy. I should have let him be the real I was asking for when I had the chance even though it was hurting more than I could stand...
I didn't avoid anything.
avoidance
you are not a true friend
even though I love you dearly
You hurt me.
again and again
and my family

Screwed up

I feel nauseous
I go in tomorrow (for that ankle surgery)
my husband is tiring of my mental mess, that is likely to happen, and understandably so, even more because my escalated sex drive is dying/fading.
I am hoping that the man (Dr. P) who is making me pay for my femininity, vulnerabilities, ignorance, foolishness, childishness, strength of character, ability and willingness to love and forgive, desire to understand and be understood, is reading this. I hope he is reading this to keep tabs on me, to know my next move. I hope he is smart enough to know that he can protect himself by doing that.
But I am foolish because they will use whatever I do against me. "twist my words" "behave inappropriately"
I feel sick because it is such a mess to me when the solution is so simple. Do your job, what you have been trained to do. Or is the job a scam? Is it all just insurance fraud?
Money
Is that what it is all about?
Money and sex
I am a prostitute now because my mind has been so screwed up to believe that it was something more than merely transference and counter-transference. so screwed up that I now feel like that is what I am good for.
I failed to give the therapist what he really wanted (sex) so now I'm getting the bills that  conveniently had not been charged. But my husband is happy enough with all of this bullshit because he is getting more of it. He is not so happy about the bills that he has to pay for that turned my heart elsewhere though and as I am becoming "worse off than I was before" (his words) and my sex drive is fading I am certain things will not stay as peaceful.
 ...And with the sex he is the replacement now. and he is paying for it in so many ways. But I can keep him happy... or at least I could
Tomorrow I have ankle surgery. for the same damn accident that had me seeing that neuropsychologist
This is literally fucked up
and this full confession is so much more than I care to publish but this is fucked up and I didn't do this to myself.
I'm scared.
I'll face it
but I'm scared
I'm broken
I'll face it
but I'm broken
I'm confused
I'm facing it
but I'm confused
I'm mostly okay
I'm working to be
and I'll keep working to be
but I'm really not
I'm a piece of shit that is easily discarded
and I am angry and hurt
I am angry that I can do nothing to get answers. I am angry that said therapist is holding power over me and does not care how it is effecting me. He does not give a shit about me after saying things that made me feel like I could be his whole world. I'm angry that he played with my head and my heart like that when I made it very clear that I was not in a safe or stable place, that I had an intense personality. It feels very calculated, like maybe his actions were calculated manipulations. But it went awry because I am. Because even though on paper and in appearance I seem like the perfect target, I am not, because I know too much the reality of what his profession proclaims to try and help. Because I am too familiar with real victims, I've worked to hard to understand and to help too many; friends and family members.
So now I deserved to be destroyed?
And still, am I foolish to hold onto the belief that this could have been accidental? that he could have gotten lost in his profession and his own pain and vulnerabilities?
I'd so much rather talk it out. I am capable of that. As screwed up as I have been, I at least know that about myself. That is one thing I have not lost with my concussion, rejections, firing. I can talk things through, but I am not the only one on the road. To talk things through it takes two (or more). I still have and can, and do. but the ones who cannot sure have been hurtful lately.
and I'm pounding my head against a wall. trying to kick a closed door down... like I knew that I would. Why? Because it hurt too much. because it was too much "there will be no further discussion" no wait, that was the shitty school that fired me, the ones who blame the kids for all the behavior problems. As a teacher you are supposed to adapt how you are teaching if the majority of your class isn't understanding the concept. but no, not with them. And they would tell the kids "I knew you couldn't do it" and things like that. THAT was NOT me. I was NOT the problem there. I am NOT the problem with Dr. P but I was there because I wanted to fix the problem that I was... whatever that was... but when it seemed to be working, "nope, your too broken, and you're screwing me up so were done and there will be no further discussion"... Maybe it was me at the school too. Maybe I screwed them up. It really is all my fault? "you isolate yourself"
It's so shitty. I am so angry at myself and Dr. He that really didn't love me, but let me believe it to get rid of me.
Just tell me what it was and I'll believe you. Just don't shut the door completely... not yet. Not until you have done your job, walk me through this. As my therapist you can fuck me up, you have that power over me there. And you did. But in the real world you can't "fuck this up," because that is not your job, only I can. Only I have that power over me and I seriously doubt I really have that kind of power over you. If I do, I can help you; talk you through it. I can't make any guarantees but I can at least help you help me... or have I already made too big of a mess? or was it a game and grooming and I failed your tests? then that is the other story and I suppose the way to go really is to file a complaint and pursue that path... conundrum and fuckundrum... I am too much... Yep, I'd be scared of me too... told you so.
Now I'm going snowboarding. to enjoy my last day of freedom. At least my last day in a long time... and I'll edit this later if I feel so inclined. Probably when I'm immobile and on the other side of the next big adventure. No walking... no doing... ugh

Fun Adventures through Hell

Surgery on my ankle in 2 days
 and then no weight bearing for 6 weeks.
Hell for 6 weeks
Stuck in my head... I am terrified
I think my heart might die in surgery though
It might not be strong enough
so then I would escape hell.
but it's only 6 weeks to 9 months of hell
after 9 months I should be able to be back to my regular loves of running, hiking, snowboarding
etc.
So I suppose I hope my heart doesn't fail me completely.
My poor family
they will have to endure my hell too.
that sucks.
... to look at it positively
I'm thinking it will be an exciting new adventure.
Definitely something I have never done before.
Maybe I will find new strength as I suffer through the hells of stuck... really stuck.
Maybe I can turn all my 200+ pages of crazy into a real boy book (I'm sure that is funny only to me, but its funny)
"Psychotherapy Gone Crazy"

Taboos and Forbiddens

Taboos and forbiddens
mess with people's minds
in terrible ways

evolving

...but it is more than that; than following the lead.
I need to evolve. Progress.
From what I have learned and what I understand transference is considered a "good" thing but only if you are able to work through it with your therapist. I am; but my therapist is not and therefore I am not allowed to try. I am not allowed to help him help me.
so I am left to figure this out on my own, I am left to figure out how to take the good of him, what he built, and turn it into me and what I built. I am supposed to develop independence. We were working on uncovering my buried story and helping me to both recognize and connect with my core values. So it makes sense to me to follow his lead because he is the professional that has been trained and knows better but I also have to follow my heart, my gut, and my head and become my own independent caretaker. I have to figure out how to use my own strengths, buried story, and values to become the better version of me. That is what I need to do. I wish for his leadership and guidance but he gave all that he can (is allowed) and I now need to use my own strengths in place of his weaknesses. That to me feels like how I will achieve independence.
Where I am strong or can be, I need to be, but for my sake, not his, even if it hurts him. What happened was not fair, not ethical and a repeat of patterns I want to break, or change.
I can accept it if I want to go back to old broken me, but I do not want that. I want to be confident, happy me, able to embrace my perfectly imperfect self. While I love people and care for people deeply, always trying to be what they want or need me to be has me ironically more consumed with me and less able to just be what I am which is what I actually need to be. It is a larger cycle that I have not fully figured out and really don't care to at this moment because I want to let things be whatever they are and whatever they need to be while taking care of me. I can be true to my head and my heart with out over analyzing so much (I have already put in that time -overtime).
So it is time to be and time to do.
also time to follow through
...again, not sure if my words are coming out in a way that will make sense or really how I meant for them to but I'd like to stay true to letting things be what they are and need to be without driving myself crazy overthinking and trying to get it exactly right. I am okay to make mistakes. It is okay for me to be human.

Following the leader

How do you beat the odds and become an exception to the rule?
You realize that you are not the exception to the rule.
Never say never
because you never know how you will respond and never seems to curse you to become what you never thought you could.
Can't is a powerful word
But it is your own black magic; when you say it or believe it you take away all of your power to do  the thing you say you can not do even if you can. You rob yourself of your own power.
Calm
Can I hang onto the calm? can I hang onto the peace? Can I be the calm?
How do you know when to fight and when to run?
Or when to give in?
Fighting and trying to solve is helping to kill the pain and the fantasy. I am not sure what is real and what was planted. I didn't think there was fantasy. I don't think there was at first...
But then somehow that is what it became; yet I didn't think it was because it seemed so real... I didn't think there was fantasy because I can look at things logically and I can explain it away... But the fantasy was there without invitation. It would replace my thoughts when I looked at the disappointing aspects of my life and of myself. It would tell me I was actually worthy of something better. and then the something better would find its place in my parallel fantasy life... somehow this would only bother my heart and as I shook the feelings I was better able to focus and enjoy the moment I was in.
I really don't understand this. I don't really get how this fantasy I kept trying to shake was at the same time helping me and allowing me to be my happy self.
...But also feel so much sadness and in the end the unshakable feeling of worthlessness, knowing that the fantasy was merely that; a fantasy. Not real and never to be even though it seemed so real and possible in a moment. In my childish manic survival brain.
The fantasy is fading as I face reality. I can let it go only by facing it. By fighting to keep it or fighting  for me, I face reality. The best way to kill the pain and to heal the broken is to face it.
If you want to overcome a fear you have to face it.
If you want to heal a wound you have to address it. You have to stop the bleeding... heart.
My heart hurts for a man who I feel is broken, who I believe is a good person, who I appreciate and admire. My heart hurts from him.
But just as he has to look out for himself and feels he needs to protect himself from me, I need to do the same. I am looking into the mirrored mask, remembering the trusted therapist behind it, who can only ever be that to me.  If that is the role he is to stay in and I wish to continue to stay on the path of the changes that he started but did not see through then I have little choice than to follow his lead.

just talk to me

Do ever just feel like life is too short for this kind of stupidity?

who decides anyway?

Why is this so hard?
I know this will pass but my heart hurts too much still. It has affected me in ways I didn't expect and in ways that make me feel like my heart is betraying me... and my family.
I don't sleep well.
It is unresolved for me. Too much was ignored. Too much was missed. and I was not allowed what I needed. It was not about me and my needs when that is exactly what it needed to be about. That is not selfish when you are paying for services. When that is really what it is supposed to be about.
That is partly my fault. I let it be about other people. I was worried about performing just so for everyone else. I was starting to see that it needed to be about me and that is when I got dropped.
Now my lawyer won't talk to me either. He thinks I am asking him to be more than I think I am asking. I wanted him to find out. Find out if something was missed. Figure it out and solve it for me since I was not allowed to. Since I don't know how to play their game but it is obvious they are worried about "liability" and not me. He is the one I hired to take care of all the car accident related stuff. I think he thinks this is not car accident related. I am not sure if it is. That is why I was there originally; my head was a mess from that. It was a mess. I had regressed and suppressed and forgotten even who I was. I don't know what caused what.
But I am confusing to people.

I am still basing my value on how others perceive and treat me?
That is really stupid and self-absorbed to think your value lies only in your own selfish ego. That we don't need others and that their opinions don't matter or count. Now I am being judgmental aren't I?
I care about others and value their professional opinions but that does not mean they have to value me.
I should not judge them for that I suppose...
I am trying to find the balance and sometimes doing great at it, while other times failing miserably.
I am angry and hurt. but mostly hurt ...and sad.
I have been tricked, manipulated and played with like a fascinating toy; when I needed help. I had mistaken the fascination for genuine caring and I have to remind myself that it was not real, only just a game. I have to sort it out, alone, what was real and what was imagined or misinterpreted. I have to fill in the blanks of the professional whose answers I never got (but am paying for still) or I have to relive it and try to figure out by trying to find the "right" fit and "right" doctors to help me from here. I don't want to relive it and figure it out without the person who actually knows what happened. I don't want others to make up stories about me and to pretend to understand me with out talking to me. I am not everyone else, I am not a stereotype, I am not a stigma, I am not a liability, I am not a mental illness, I am not incoherent. I am not ignorant, I am not a toy or a pawn and I am not unintelligent. I am not a statistic.
I cannot be busy enough to escape this.
Maybe I need to try harder... a cycle... I know that cycle...is that a positive one or a negative one? I don't remember.

keeping up

Sometimes mania happens when you are fighting depression, hurt or pain.
The deeper the depressions
the heavier the hurt
the more intense the pain
the more dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, endorphins
it'll take to get you up
mania, my friend, mania

I started low today.
death at the door
But I'm fighting
coming back up

"It was only a game and nothing more"

go

I do not wish to prove how broken I am.
I wish to be resilient
I want to be strong and brave
I want to overcome the odds of my injuries and upbringing
so off I go to conquer a new day
small victories
and you never know what can happen when you try
so it's time to apply

if nothing else I'll gain a thicker skin
so even if I loose, I win

hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again

This morning I am shaky.
My hands are shaking and I am not entirely sure why.
I feel a little amped up.
Anxious?
Yes, anxious
sometimes it takes too much to regulate that stuff
even when my brain is okay and thinking straight I still get this cortisol feeling in my heart and shaky in my hands
my left is especially bad today.
I requested a resolution yesterday.
I stood up for myself
and that makes me anxious
I am trying to do what I need to to care of myself and stand up for myself, also acknowledging that I am likely not the only one who has been hurt by policies or practices.
That gives me more courage, knowing that I am standing up for others as well
but it makes me nervous.
I don't like how my emotions can be so time consuming to regulate.
I liked very much the progress I was making and I like very much the progress I have made
but this is a new adventure I am on so it is causing new sensations.
So much more at peace, rational, stable
but still I know some of these symptoms all to well and they aught not be ignored.
So follow up appointment with doctor I saw before Italy when my heart and body was wearing down from 3 weeks of very little sleep and far too many chemicals surging through my system. (all from my body, I am not a substance user, I dislike even taking what is prescribed)

Mania

I was able to talk to my brother-in-law (I have mentioned him before, and he has written some books on bipolar) about mania.
It was really nice being able to talk to him about it. I talked with him actually while I was still a bit manic (or maybe still very manic, but I manage well) and he was alarmed then. "That sounds like mania" he said with intense concern in his eyes.
"Oh I know" I said. But I had it figured out already.
That is one of the funniest ironies of mania. How well you can have it figured out and know you are in complete control. Hell, you are in like super-human strength control.
And maybe, just maybe it might still be considered hypo-mania because I was able to manage without damage...
Okay, without too much damage.
Mostly I was pretty freaking awesome and powerful and while I was experiencing every single sensation of every single moment magnified by 1000 I was still aware of my surroundings and other people. I did not have hallucinations that were entirely fictitious although the signs, symbols and maybe a couple of lizards may not have been as real as I thought they were. Also my feelings...
Those may not have been as real as I thought either.
Which may have been a bit problematic. Plus then I communicate from a higher plane too... and that can/may have been a bit of a problem.
But I am good. I have gotten real good at self-regulation. I have gotten good at seeming perfectly sane. It's yet another hilarious irony, because I am, probably more so than most sane people now because I am self-aware and I know when my thoughts and emotions are becoming irrational...
Maybe I wasn't quite as on top of it as I thought but overall I did a good job navigating my crazy as I chose to embrace and enjoy it instead of fighting it.
But oh mania
If that is what drugs are like... I can see how they become a problem for people. But I have to admit I think an artificial attempt at that would be really stupid and I would not at all trust the other side. And I doubt it can even come close anyway. But the fun of it is so fun. Your senses and sensations are so heightened. You can feel happiness surging through your whole body. Every thing is beautiful and wonderful and perfectly aligned, until it is not, then it is the depths of hell. ...but if you decide to be empowered by your brokenness and choose to hold on to that euphoric place you can turn the depths of hell into a cosmic amusement park and keep euphoria going as your superpowers give you the strength to turn the world up-side-down.
And you are so productive. Extra energy and stamina. Very little sleep is needed as you have far too much to do.
This mania was the highest I have experienced. But also the most painful. Probably why it took me so high, I needed to survive after all. But when it starts to fade, when the threat starts to fade.
Oh it is boring. Even a 2nd grade classroom is boring and meaningless. I was able to tap into it the dopamine cycle some and perpetuate them to some extent for a few months but alas all good things must come to an end.
It is a bit sad to loose those feelings. Honestly I'd love to live the rest of my life there. But probably my life would not be very long there. The cortisol that came with it was wearing on my heart and no sleep was wearing on my body. A sinus infection aligned with my final manic meeting.

Talking to my brother-in-law was kind of fun, because he really gets it. It is a struggle for him to take medication that makes him feel so low, slow and dumbed down. But with out it he does not have the regulation abilities I have. He broke too big too young. I do wonder if I will be able to manage as well now but I think I am still doing okay. I am medicated for depression and anxiety, that probably helps. But as I look back I am so glad that I am not experiencing as much of that as I used to. I am glad that I stay out of the heaven and hell cycle that used to be such normal part of my life. I am glad that I could manage and mostly knew what to do through this biggest and longest manic episode.
But I tell you what, it's not easy and other people truly don't understand. Yet they are needed to help keep one in check. Part of how I set up my boundaries is by saying "hey, I am irrational right now, you might need to take care of this for me." But they do not understand and to them crazy is "bad."

We talked about that self-regulation and my brother-in-law asked me why it was that I didn't want to pursue the psychiatrist or a medication change. He wondered what that meant to me. It is hard to explain. I have played the medication game before and it can be hard. The side-effects can really suck and I don't want to be dependent, I don't want someone else making the decisions for me, and I don't know that I really need it.
He helped me realize that I felt I would be taking medication for other people's sake, not for mine. I can handle myself and I can manage, but other people don't really know how to handle me and that hurts.
It is something to consider. I do not think taking medication for the sake of others and your family members is a bad thing but if those closest to you are not worried about it and not bugging you to get on something then it is probably okay. It is not always easy to know when medication is needed for you or for others.
I am back and forth on it a bit currently but I mostly feel fine and getting better so I don't really want to mess with that... However I am open to suggestions so if you know me personally you are welcome to weigh in.

feeling sorry for yourself

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself"
is what my dad would say.
I am hearing that in my head this morning as I am waking up for the third time.

those 5 words
he said too much and not enough

I was not allowed to feel my pain.
My pain didn't count
and I was not allowed to speak up for myself if I was hurting.

I am a broken person
in so many ways and for so many reasons

And while I don't want to "feel sorry for myself"
I know that this is not appropriate language and caused far more harm than healing
so I'll try to address that now too.
"I'm not feeling sorry for myself" I would try to say but it was not heard and I always had to consider that maybe I was.
I took it to heart... I do that

One thing I know,
I don't say this to my own kids
I won't use that as a solution with other people

there must be more to my pain then my dad understood
my pain was valid
and still is
at least to me
...so, I guess I keep trying.
I did read a very helpful article by a lady who had felt betrayed
https://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/05/betrayed/
It really resonated and I think it is nice that she pointed out that it takes time.
I also really like how she signed her article:
"with peace, love, and waving no white flag (because I am a fighter)"

What breaks me the most

What breaks me the most is that I can't even work it out with a neuropsychologist. That I am so terrible at communicating or so good at making a mess of things that I can't even work it out with a therapist... and a really good one... who was helping me so very much.
I went manic. I did that "wrong." I did not mean to. But I did. I was honest while I was manic. That was probably a bad idea. But I know I was not the only one to make mistakes. However, there is no compromise. I am not worth it to them.
I don't get the chance to understand what happened and why because I am not worth their time.
As much as I think I am okay and can become that version of me he was helping me to build I am absolutely defeated and anxious when I try to revisit my resume and hopes of doing more.
I got an email from a nonprofit organization. It is my dream job... I think I could do it but I just can't seem to sell myself because deep down inside I know I haven't got a shot.
and can I take the rejection if I do try?
...I can't even work things out with a therapist.
and that hurts so much
I suppose I need to take much smaller steps.
I suppose I need to start much smaller.
I am not sure where that is or what that looks like
but the stars...
the stars will burn me up if I shoot for those
...that much has been proven

this is the reality.
I wish it wasn't and I am fighting to overcome
but it is the reality

Work it out or write me off

One of the hardest parts of recovering from a head injury is dealing with "irrational" emotions.
But irrational emotions are not an exclusive problem to head injuries.
Irrational emotions are also a problem when we are going through stressful life events.
Irrational emotions can be part attributed to puberty also.
They are a part of our basic human nature.
Sometimes our primal instincts are irrational.
Whether they are actually nature or nurture many of our "instinctive" reactions are irrational, like in snowboarding, if you understand the physics of it you know that you have to overcome the instinctive fear that causes leaning back and lean forward with the snowboard in order to have and stay in control.

But with head injury, emotional regulation becomes difficult and changed personalities are a common "problem" associated with head injuries.
I was 12 when my brain was damaged. 12; the middle of seventh grade, the beginning of all those exciting changes that throw your emotions all over the place anyway.
Anger.
That is the worst of the new and intense emotions in my opinion. That was the worst one to deal with and regulate as it could take over so quickly and cause harm so quickly.
My parents had their own difficult to extremely difficult issue's so anger was no stranger to our home.
I hated anger. I still do.
As a little little I was not an angry child. I was empathetic, shy but fun, and pretty laid back. I remember going through some elementary experiences that may have made me "mad" in some way, but I don't remember being "mad" about them. I would stand up for people or myself but I was never angry.
At least not like what I would experience later.
Immediately after my youthful head injury I don't remember anger then either. I was too tired to feel much of anything. But as my tired fog lifted new personality traits seemed to come out of the woodworks and there were times when I was very angry. Intensely angry. Instantly angry. Stewing plotting angry. Many forms of angry. It is a good thing I was surrounded by so many good people and it is a good thing I was really an empath. But you better believe being an empath with so much anger was a very difficult form to live in.
Other emotions and emotional reactions could be irrational also. But that anger, that most likely stemmed from head injury, and was an alien to my core may now prove to be my redeeming grace. Because some of these emotions caused me so much discomfort I was determined to figure them out and learn to control/manage them. I have worked long and hard for many years learning to self-regulate. I know that at times we can not trust ourselves because of our emotions and how they are effecting our thinking. I have learned to recognize so many symptoms that I can vocalize and tell people when I am irrational and my thoughts may not be so trust worthy.
I believe that many people reach some level of this as they learn to say "no, I am sorry that is too much for me right now." and that is a good thing.
However, while many people identify this in themselves, few are comfortable with being honest about it. I often have felt being honest is the best way and maybe I took the example of the man who was hearing bad Jesus to heart a bit too much ...I do have a tendency to do that, I'll take you to heart so unless you want to be trusted, appreciated and loved you probably better not try to help me...
But that is not what is usually understood.
Often in life we are so much more lemming-like than we ever care to realize as we follow all the rules, cliches, stereotypes and trends in thinking if a person admits they have had issues with other people we will hold it against them. We will be guarded and say "well this problem or thing that is making me uncomfortable must be them because they have struggled with others too." It is so much easier to write someone off and stay guarded in ourselves than to work things out and try to truly understand each other. At other times we do not want to face our own insecurities or maybe we made a mistake we don't want to face so instead of examining for ourselves we easily blame the obvious problem and let the more honest one take the fall for all.
It is an easy trap to fall into. I have myself plenty.
But I am also so keenly aware of our dual natures that it is both a strength and a weakness to me and I often make the "mistake" of trusting others to see what I so easily see but instead they will blame me.
So I have struggled some lately in knowing who I can trust, and who I should trust. The people who were supposed to help me decided that I am to blame for whatever went awry. Well they are right, if it is me that is the problem than I am to blame, but if that is why I went to them and their job was to help me fix the problem then... Obviously the agreement was to help me fix me, so blaming me for trusting them when it was their "professional" fires that burned me down or up just doesn't make sense. I don't understand their games, I don't know their rules, I have tried to learn them and I have tried to be honest about what I don't know and when I know I am in an irrational place and I was trusting them to be the professionals.. But somehow, I keep messing things up...?
Who do I trust? Can I ever really trust anyone after this?
Yes, I can trust myself. I know this because I am so keenly aware of when I cannot entirely trust myself and/or my emotions and I will ask for help. I wonder if they know how easily we can turn what we fear into the very thing that we fear when we are too heavily focused on our fear..
One of my realizations in reprocessing (and I have realized this before) is that I take way more responsibility and blame myself for way too much at times. I am the perfect scapegoat because I make myself one.
In these defining moments of my life, will I continue to be that or do I stand up for myself even if it makes people uncomfortable?
...and how far do I take that?
I'd rather be forgiving and work things out. I'd rather be forgiven and understood.

This writing did not go the way I thought. I am struggling to get my thoughts out the way I am thinking them so I hope it makes sense... but maybe that is okay, maybe this is for someone else or maybe it is for me to look at later, but it feels important so I will leave it.

Best Regards

So I have had some very interesting conversations these past few months and plenty these past few days.
I have been very open and honest about who I am and how I am doing. I have asked for opinions and advice, I have shared probably way more than I "should" with way too many people. But truth is, I don't actually feel that way. I am okay with what I have shared and when I have shared it because I understand why. Maybe the other person or people do not and they have not appreciated it (I have not felt that often, but have felt it) and that is okay too. I don't think they need to appreciate it. I do hope to respect peoples boundaries though.
That is a hard thing.
To be clear about our boundaries.
I think my boundaries are not always clear to people because they are very different. I am very comfortable outside of the box and I have found that life is more satisfying and interesting when I step outside my comfort zones so I have come to live there a bit more than many people are comfortable with. However this does not mean that I do not have boundaries or that I do not know my own boundaries, in fact I think the opposite is true. Like a rancher would needs to test his fence to be sure his boundaries are secure, my testing of my boundaries helps me know my boundaries and keep me safely in them.
Going back to sharing too much- I hope that people will realize that some of their doubts and or insecurities with me may be more reflective of their own doubts and insecurities than actual problems with me. I am not you nor you I and I can never truly understand the world or your perceptions from your perspective just as you cannot from mine. And that is what makes communication so difficult.
Communication really is manipulation.
Humans are manipulation.
We are constantly manipulating. Everything around us, everything that we are, it is all manipulated ...by so many forces.
So why would I be upset about being manipulated? It's a judgement thing. Is it a "good" manipulation or is it a "bad" manipulation?
boundaries, manipulation, interpretation... Life
Life it is an adventure and I want to enjoy the adventure everyday. I do most days and even on days that I don't I still do.
But our adventures are not alone. We are all in this together. which is why I have been okay with so liberally sharing who I really am whatever that may look like in the moment and I have been so glad for people sharing who they are and their moments with me. Things may not always work out as planned and that is okay. I am not really minding because I am learning to be okay with me and I am okay with things being what they are when they are.
This post is proving to be... disjointed feeling? and definitely different. I wonder how easy or difficult this free flow style may be to follow?
But staying true to letting things be what they are when they are I'll keep this and add
my disclaimer.
The disclaimer I have shared with people I have told about my blog: This blog is a therapeutic and artistic outlet I am utilizing to help me process my thoughts, feelings, emotions and circumstances. It is not, however, reflective of me as a whole and individual entries are reflective of where I was in that moment and may or may not be reflective of how I am currently or permanently feeling or thinking.

I am glad that I have learned and grown as much as I have over the years. I am glad for my self-awareness, I mostly love my crazy little world, and I am eternally grateful for the new me... Which brings me to a very important point: Forgiveness. I can easily look back and see how damaging and careless mistakes were made. I have documented enough and am intelligent enough to see, looking back, that it is possible there was/is a darker side to my ex-therapist and I could easily paint the picture of a diabolical scheme. But as I have been navigating and working through the new and buried, crazy and unstable territories of my broken brain I know that my ex-therapist has helped me immensely despite his shortcoming and mistakes. He is a talented and brilliant neuropsychologist and I really admire him. Yes, he hurt me deeply, and his defensive actions almost destroyed me... but only as much as his faith and confidence in me built me up.
I remember having a distinct impression of Yin and Yang while fighting so hard for a compromise with him. There was no compromise. He and his staff had decided how it would be with me and that I was no longer allowed to meet with him when I so desperately needed his followthrough. But I also know that even if their reasons were wrong and they caused harm that I still have the power to restore the balance, at least for me. I cannot simply forget and walk away but I can forgive. I can recognize both the "good" and the "bad" for me and see that all the colors in addition to those two black and white judgements has been a really interesting, educational and a worthwhile life changing adventure. I will be okay. I will be better than okay. and I am glad to have that be a part of me.
So in a more straightforward nutshell I feel I am coming to terms and I feel I am making my peace with things and though I may be a pain in the ass at times I am okay with who I am and who I have been and I do not feel malice toward or wish to harm the man or the business that I know is so desperately needed. Though I do hope they will also learn from the mistakes they made with me because, honestly, ex-therapist is good at what he does and what he knows, but so am I.
I am the other side of their profession and I have been working in it since I was 12.