cont from yesterdays commentary:
...And lets not forget the malevolence of my treacherous heart. The malevolence in me that would have abandoned my husband and kids for a man that was using me as a toy. So there is a form of malevolence in me that is shocking... Fortunately I was simply a toy to this man so the opportunity to shack up with him was never there because I am far too vocal and risky for someone whose intentions are malevolent.
It is a bit comical really
After the Purple Rain incident Dr. She (my neuropsychologist therapist) said my subconscious is really mean to me. It really can be, logically piecing together all the mean and negative things people have had to say to me and about me and ways I have been treated to prove that I am of no value except for in dying.
And yet, at the same time, my body and subconscious have this amazing will to live as my deep subconscious picks up on threats and annihilates them with safe guards like breaking the way I did when Dr. He's intentions with me were not what they were supposed to be. When he was playing games that were meant to satisfy him and his needs my brain reacted in a way that put so many safeguards up there was no way he'd continue down that road with me.
And I saw through his mask. He did not like that I did not only see what he allowed me to see. (His exact words were, "you only see what I allow you to see.")
and he did not like that I continued to try to solve when he had told me not to try and solve this. (His exact words were, "I told you not to try and solve this.")
And things such as this make me wonder if it really was not entirely mania and a bipolar manic situation but rather a bodies fight or flight response with heightened awareness and a brain driven into overdrive in an effort to self preserve and protect. The fight mechanism fully engaged because what was happening was far more than even a non broken brain can handle.
What was happening?
1. Flooding of memories
2. Brain fog and emotional irrational responses finally lifting enough to handle the other realities of injury from the car accident like the ankle, hip and back. And the PTSD
3. Realizing my cognitive stamina may never be high enough to effectively handle an elementary classroom full-time without compromising my health. In other words; facing the reality that I might have to give up the career I loved, was good at, and just barely getting into in full capacity.
4. Falling in love with one's therapist for the unhealthy and healthy slew of reasons (and/or relationships) for which that happens.
5. Dealing with and trying to understand the TBI that had been misdiagnosed in it's severity without knowing that at that point.
6. Trying to do it all with a lack of social, emotional, and family support as documented by Dr. He himself in his report of me. (which also happen to be attributes that make me a prime target for grooming)
So maybe an extended survival fight is a more accurate description of the mania I was experiencing? Regardless, according to the definition of mania, the shoe fit. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/bipolar-disorder/index.shtml
Monday, June 22, 2020
Sunday, June 21, 2020
Mapping Holes to Create the Whole
I need to be focusing on my dad and my husband today because it is their day but I am so distracted by my thoughts.
My head is a bit of a mess today.
All over the place.
Trying to battle and inside of me stand up to the voices of those that have been so ...
careless, defensive, accusatory...?
I am not entirely sure how to explain but I think it is certainly more likely that the fingers they were pointing were more reflective of the three pointing back. too many people to many times...
So I try to turn it around,
Focus on the positive. The good things I have heard and the things I have learned over these last couple of years. One thing I know is that I need to love me. And fortunately I can find many things I love about me. And I even see that some of the things I thought I loved about those that now despise me were, to some degree, reflections of me while what they despise about me may be the projections of themselves I reflected back.
-and all over the place, I want to explain, on here I come, when really I haven't the time, because my time is dwindling with the distractions of my mind so it seems it might be a fair venture if I can write out the things that are holding me back and distracting me today.-
So I am trying to redirect and I think of positives, like Renée and her friend we were able to help get a wheelchair to. And I think of my hand physical therapist who said, "thank you. I needed to hear that today" when I admired the Christ like attributes of what he does. He takes on peoples pain to help them heal and feel less pain. It causes him pain, but he does it with regard and concern for his patients everyday.
I am grateful for moments like this, when I can help people see just a glimpse of their value.
...it is a trait about me that I love
and it is a thing about God that I love -how He can and will work through us
Yet it can also be heavy
and that seems to be what I am feeling today.
I know I need to warn others of the trouble that Dr. He can cause, of how he played with me and then twisted it to make it appear that I was behaving "inappropriately." He did it so well and so easily that any intelligent person knows it is highly unlikely I was the first or the last. And my mind just won't let me escape the burden I feel of the need to report... But my treacherous heart keeps looking to justify, excuse and even give him opportunities to prove that this knowledge that I hold of him is wrong...
And this, that observation of my heart -even still being treacherous, may just be the link to what I have learned recently about PTSD according this guy https://www.jordanbpeterson.com/transcripts/transliminal/
It is not just the malevolent acts against me by people that we, as a society and culture, believe to be the most benevolent among us, but it is also my own internal struggle with my own malevolence and benevolence -and probably my naivety as well. My own internal workings are struggling still to find that balance between what is good and benevolent and what is malevolent.
One thing I don't think people really understand is that my just "accepting" what happened to me and "letting it go" feels malevolent against myself and any other victims that may be out there.
I don't believe it is at all benevolent for me "let it burn out" when "it" was me and I needed the help the Institution was supposed to be able to provide. I needed accurate diagnosis and honest discussion. I was trying to be benevolent by withholding information that could get Dr. He into trouble which was increasing harm to me. And while I was trying to be the benevolent person he knew I was he was using that very benevolence against me in malevolent ways. He twisted and turned things to make himself appear to be the benevolent one, which would have been very easy to do since that its how they are all viewed anyway.
The malevolent acts against me were thus strengthened by my own duality and malevolent acts against myself in trying to benevolently protect the man who had malevolently used me, discarded me, and was then keeping me from getting the help I needed from the appropriate providers by denying what had really happened and what was going on with me.
so this writing out journey today has been an interesting one and as I watched the first part of the aforementioned video, I find it especially serendipitous that "writing it out" is a method Jordan Peterson uses. By-the-way I have only watched about the first 5 minutes of this video and know very little about this man. I just happened across a comment about him on Quora.com and a link to a snippet of the above mentioned video where he talks of PTSD being the result of becoming aware of the malevolence in the world and oneself. It was an interesting idea to me, especially in the limited snippet I initially watched. A more full explanation makes sense and I will eventually watch the entire video. For now though I want to focus on my writing out process to try and get out what I need to and then refocus my mind... It has been helping, I have come and gone from this one multiple times today and likely gotten more done than I would have considering how all over the place and distracted my mind is today.
I am not entirely sure why today. I think I just want to get things over with but I am still at a loss as to how. I also am waiting on others that are taking an eternity, probably because it is as I noted to the Neuroscience Institute in the first place, because for the lawyers it is all about money, and they want to go for what will benefit them most financially... It is all about money to everyone it seems.
Dr. Peterson criticizes naivety and childlike trust in this adult world. He calls it weakness...
This is also interesting because I was processing a lot from a very childish place with Perri Cherie (Dr. He). The PTSD of then was due to the TBI of my youth being minimized, marginalized and not handled in a way that was very fair to me then, by the adults that I loved and trusted. I was expected to be understanding and supportive of them and their trauma from my situation. I was expected to be miraculously healed, so therefore the very real consequences and troubles that I had because of the TBI were basically seen as character flaws and I was simply seen as a difficult teen.
...Strange how the situation repeated in many ways and maybe that is why I am bothered today of all days, because the therapist takes a type of parental role in ones life and that one got really warped.
And it was especially damaging and condemning to me because I so desperately needed this TBI to be handled differently. I so desperately needed the love, acceptance and help that I did not get with the TBI from my youth this time around, but instead similar mistakes and more were repeated to a higher degree and by those that are qualified and paid to know better.
Dr. Peterson says that I can only control the 5% and thus my take away needs to be first becoming aware of the holes so that I will not fall into them again when I see them... I actually thought I had gotten pretty good at that. And really I had in some areas, but I sure did not realize how naive and trusting I have so often been and I have only done so-so with avoiding those holes. Or maybe I am seeing the holes but I keep giving the holes the benefit of the doubt?.. and hoping that they will choose to conform to my childish faith in humanity and ideals that I just don't want to give up on?..
hmmm...
I feel as though I am becoming quite knowledgeable about this field of psychology because I like to explore all the damned holes I come across
My head is a bit of a mess today.
All over the place.
Trying to battle and inside of me stand up to the voices of those that have been so ...
careless, defensive, accusatory...?
I am not entirely sure how to explain but I think it is certainly more likely that the fingers they were pointing were more reflective of the three pointing back. too many people to many times...
So I try to turn it around,
Focus on the positive. The good things I have heard and the things I have learned over these last couple of years. One thing I know is that I need to love me. And fortunately I can find many things I love about me. And I even see that some of the things I thought I loved about those that now despise me were, to some degree, reflections of me while what they despise about me may be the projections of themselves I reflected back.
-and all over the place, I want to explain, on here I come, when really I haven't the time, because my time is dwindling with the distractions of my mind so it seems it might be a fair venture if I can write out the things that are holding me back and distracting me today.-
So I am trying to redirect and I think of positives, like Renée and her friend we were able to help get a wheelchair to. And I think of my hand physical therapist who said, "thank you. I needed to hear that today" when I admired the Christ like attributes of what he does. He takes on peoples pain to help them heal and feel less pain. It causes him pain, but he does it with regard and concern for his patients everyday.
I am grateful for moments like this, when I can help people see just a glimpse of their value.
...it is a trait about me that I love
and it is a thing about God that I love -how He can and will work through us
Yet it can also be heavy
and that seems to be what I am feeling today.
I know I need to warn others of the trouble that Dr. He can cause, of how he played with me and then twisted it to make it appear that I was behaving "inappropriately." He did it so well and so easily that any intelligent person knows it is highly unlikely I was the first or the last. And my mind just won't let me escape the burden I feel of the need to report... But my treacherous heart keeps looking to justify, excuse and even give him opportunities to prove that this knowledge that I hold of him is wrong...
And this, that observation of my heart -even still being treacherous, may just be the link to what I have learned recently about PTSD according this guy https://www.jordanbpeterson.com/transcripts/transliminal/
It is not just the malevolent acts against me by people that we, as a society and culture, believe to be the most benevolent among us, but it is also my own internal struggle with my own malevolence and benevolence -and probably my naivety as well. My own internal workings are struggling still to find that balance between what is good and benevolent and what is malevolent.
One thing I don't think people really understand is that my just "accepting" what happened to me and "letting it go" feels malevolent against myself and any other victims that may be out there.
I don't believe it is at all benevolent for me "let it burn out" when "it" was me and I needed the help the Institution was supposed to be able to provide. I needed accurate diagnosis and honest discussion. I was trying to be benevolent by withholding information that could get Dr. He into trouble which was increasing harm to me. And while I was trying to be the benevolent person he knew I was he was using that very benevolence against me in malevolent ways. He twisted and turned things to make himself appear to be the benevolent one, which would have been very easy to do since that its how they are all viewed anyway.
The malevolent acts against me were thus strengthened by my own duality and malevolent acts against myself in trying to benevolently protect the man who had malevolently used me, discarded me, and was then keeping me from getting the help I needed from the appropriate providers by denying what had really happened and what was going on with me.
so this writing out journey today has been an interesting one and as I watched the first part of the aforementioned video, I find it especially serendipitous that "writing it out" is a method Jordan Peterson uses. By-the-way I have only watched about the first 5 minutes of this video and know very little about this man. I just happened across a comment about him on Quora.com and a link to a snippet of the above mentioned video where he talks of PTSD being the result of becoming aware of the malevolence in the world and oneself. It was an interesting idea to me, especially in the limited snippet I initially watched. A more full explanation makes sense and I will eventually watch the entire video. For now though I want to focus on my writing out process to try and get out what I need to and then refocus my mind... It has been helping, I have come and gone from this one multiple times today and likely gotten more done than I would have considering how all over the place and distracted my mind is today.
I am not entirely sure why today. I think I just want to get things over with but I am still at a loss as to how. I also am waiting on others that are taking an eternity, probably because it is as I noted to the Neuroscience Institute in the first place, because for the lawyers it is all about money, and they want to go for what will benefit them most financially... It is all about money to everyone it seems.
Dr. Peterson criticizes naivety and childlike trust in this adult world. He calls it weakness...
This is also interesting because I was processing a lot from a very childish place with Perri Cherie (Dr. He). The PTSD of then was due to the TBI of my youth being minimized, marginalized and not handled in a way that was very fair to me then, by the adults that I loved and trusted. I was expected to be understanding and supportive of them and their trauma from my situation. I was expected to be miraculously healed, so therefore the very real consequences and troubles that I had because of the TBI were basically seen as character flaws and I was simply seen as a difficult teen.
...Strange how the situation repeated in many ways and maybe that is why I am bothered today of all days, because the therapist takes a type of parental role in ones life and that one got really warped.
And it was especially damaging and condemning to me because I so desperately needed this TBI to be handled differently. I so desperately needed the love, acceptance and help that I did not get with the TBI from my youth this time around, but instead similar mistakes and more were repeated to a higher degree and by those that are qualified and paid to know better.
Dr. Peterson says that I can only control the 5% and thus my take away needs to be first becoming aware of the holes so that I will not fall into them again when I see them... I actually thought I had gotten pretty good at that. And really I had in some areas, but I sure did not realize how naive and trusting I have so often been and I have only done so-so with avoiding those holes. Or maybe I am seeing the holes but I keep giving the holes the benefit of the doubt?.. and hoping that they will choose to conform to my childish faith in humanity and ideals that I just don't want to give up on?..
hmmm...
I feel as though I am becoming quite knowledgeable about this field of psychology because I like to explore all the damned holes I come across
And the only reason I am writing about this at all is because of the PTSD style reaction I get when I start exploring this idea of going to graduate school to become a psychologist myself. It actually physically effects me; my heart speeds up, I am visibly shaky and I have a hard time focusing on what I am reading. I feel nervous and insecure and I distrust the professors automatically... which is probably why I am avoiding it. It is beyond ridiculous but it is what is happening and it is what it is. No point in beating myself up over it. Instead, I am hoping as I dissect irrational reactions like this I might keep inching closer to whatever it is that I am destined to do with this bizarre life of mine and to whomever it is that I am meant to be.
Wednesday, June 17, 2020
No Pain No Gain: when to push and when to back off
Dr. She says she is not surprised that I don't remember the medication. She says considering all the stress I was under and the medication itself it is not surprising or even all that concerning that I don't remember it.
I do feel better about it after this conversation.
We also talk about pain.
Renée and I talked about pain yesterday. I am so glad for that conversation. Renée calls me her mirror sister because there are so many ways we mirror each other. It is funny that she has problems communicating and finding words at times because often she helps me find and/or remember mine.
Part of this pain theme that was discussed with both parties is the need to feel pain and that pain is a form of communication. We need to listen to what the pain is telling us. Sometimes it is telling us that something is wrong. Sometimes we need to push through while others times pain is what lets us know that we need to back off. Sometimes allowing ourselves to feel the pain is how we purge our system of the trouble that pain is an indication of. The pain I am feeling from rejection by people I love and care about is kind of like this. Even though I care about them they do not care about me, which hurts a lot, but also lets me know that they are not really friends or healthy people to have in my life. They reinforce negative core beliefs I have had about myself and this needs to be purged. Renée has beautifully taught me this.
Right now my hands, especially my thumbs are a good illustrations of pain, how it communicates to us and how to handle it. I am doing physical therapy now and the guy I am going to is amazing. If he were a horse trainer he'd be considered a horse whisperer, so I sometimes refer to him as the Hand Whisperer.
He has been causing a lot of pain to my right hand, it is still painful a lot but it is at a point in its healing that the pain needs to be pushed. He does not want to mess with the left hand much because it is still very broken. That break you can see on the x-ray. The right hand injury is older but amazingly it also did not break any bones, just a ligament or two...or more. The pictures is what it looks like today. Hand Whisperer taped it to help retrain and to help encourage swelling to go down in some areas that are still swollen. I am seriously amazed and impressed that through the stretching, exercising and a technique called myofascial release I have had instantly increased hand strength and less overall pain. It is most fascinating because the exercises and myofascial release techniques are painful. He is a causing pain and discomfort to both decrease pain and discomfort and increase strength and the results are amazingly fast and obvious. I have only had two PT appointments with the Hand Whisperer and already I can open things again using my right thumb and index finger. I could not before within the same day.
He is working wonders.
However if he did not have proper diagnosis and was pushing my left thumb the way he is now pushing my right thumb it would not lead to positive results but could very likely cause significantly more damage. And if you notice, although it was bruised at first it looked about the same as it does in the picture I took of it today when they took that x-ray.
I do feel better about it after this conversation.
We also talk about pain.
Renée and I talked about pain yesterday. I am so glad for that conversation. Renée calls me her mirror sister because there are so many ways we mirror each other. It is funny that she has problems communicating and finding words at times because often she helps me find and/or remember mine.
Part of this pain theme that was discussed with both parties is the need to feel pain and that pain is a form of communication. We need to listen to what the pain is telling us. Sometimes it is telling us that something is wrong. Sometimes we need to push through while others times pain is what lets us know that we need to back off. Sometimes allowing ourselves to feel the pain is how we purge our system of the trouble that pain is an indication of. The pain I am feeling from rejection by people I love and care about is kind of like this. Even though I care about them they do not care about me, which hurts a lot, but also lets me know that they are not really friends or healthy people to have in my life. They reinforce negative core beliefs I have had about myself and this needs to be purged. Renée has beautifully taught me this.
Right now my hands, especially my thumbs are a good illustrations of pain, how it communicates to us and how to handle it. I am doing physical therapy now and the guy I am going to is amazing. If he were a horse trainer he'd be considered a horse whisperer, so I sometimes refer to him as the Hand Whisperer.
He has been causing a lot of pain to my right hand, it is still painful a lot but it is at a point in its healing that the pain needs to be pushed. He does not want to mess with the left hand much because it is still very broken. That break you can see on the x-ray. The right hand injury is older but amazingly it also did not break any bones, just a ligament or two...or more. The pictures is what it looks like today. Hand Whisperer taped it to help retrain and to help encourage swelling to go down in some areas that are still swollen. I am seriously amazed and impressed that through the stretching, exercising and a technique called myofascial release I have had instantly increased hand strength and less overall pain. It is most fascinating because the exercises and myofascial release techniques are painful. He is a causing pain and discomfort to both decrease pain and discomfort and increase strength and the results are amazingly fast and obvious. I have only had two PT appointments with the Hand Whisperer and already I can open things again using my right thumb and index finger. I could not before within the same day.
He is working wonders.
However if he did not have proper diagnosis and was pushing my left thumb the way he is now pushing my right thumb it would not lead to positive results but could very likely cause significantly more damage. And if you notice, although it was bruised at first it looked about the same as it does in the picture I took of it today when they took that x-ray.
 |
| This is what broken thumb looks like today |
And this reminds me a lot of other broken parts I have that have experienced significant pain lately. Proper diagnosis really is crucial.
Monday, June 15, 2020
One Thing Broken Brains do Right is Fight
While going through our medicine cabinet I found a prescription for Abilify (generic version) written to me from June of last year.
I found this very troubling.
It's been about two weeks... and it is still quietly nagging somewhere in the back
Because I don't remember it. But I do remember that Dr. She mentioned that medication having not worked for me in the letter she wrote to the psychiatric PA when she realized I needed that help and fast. I remember telling her that I had never taken that medication, at that point I did not know why she included that in the letter, where she came up with that idea....
This is really bothering my head.
Because obviously it had been prescribed but I don't remember that and I don't remember if I tried taking it at all.
It had been prescribed by my family practitioner PA. The one the noted "possible mania" the day after my last appointment with Dr. He, just before we were leaving to Italy.
So I asked for the medical record notes from the day it was prescribed... but even with that, I don't remember her prescribing it or the conversation about it.
There are 27.5 out of 30 10mg tablets left in the bottle. Which means I took 2.5... But I do not remember taking it at all
And this really bothers me.
I was such a mess I don't remember it.
I vaguely remember the appointment. She was the only provider I had left that was at least trying to help. But I think at that point I also thought she was not the "right" doctor for what was going on with me... I was still, somehow, insanely trusting the things said by Dr. Concussion -especially that I need a psychiatrist and neuropsychologist. In my brain (and most other people) they, meaning those at the Neuroscience Institute, were still the more qualified and appropriate doctors. I am not sure if that is why I only took 2 and 1/2 or if I really responded badly after only taking 2.5 tabs... I can not even pretend to know because I can't find the memory... And I was working a new job, and that was going badly.
This bothers me.
I already feel broken and beat down.
And I have to keep reminding myself that I am not as worthless as I feel. I have to keep trying to find the good and the positive in spite of the beat downs, lack of support, lack of concern, lack of friends, lack of a job.... and reminders of how screwed up my head really is.
Today I am not winning.
And I am trying to remember how to pull out of this... But also realizing that maybe I have never been that good at it because I keep loosing...
loosing friends, loosing family, loosing confidence, loosing jobs, loosing ability and loosing with the people who say they are there to help.
the common thread
is me
Yes, I see
no need to point it out.
No need to reinforce
I already know.
...and yet I still try to be kind and I still try to help and love others... even those who don't love me.
And I know that I am far better off than so many people in this messed up world...
But so many people, too many I know, are better off without me...
and I am tired of "getting it"
maybe I am mad
maybe I am sad
or maybe I am bad
for not being what they all really want me to be
Gone
...
and I want to end there. I did. but my resilient and defiant broken little brain just yelled at them, "shut the fuck up you jack ass mother fuckers."
Sorry, no edits this time. My brain is fighting for me and I am going to let it win even if it is ugly and unacceptable, even if it is angry, even if it isn't what everyone else wants me to be -even if it's not what I want me to be, look or sound like...
Because at least my brokenness is still fighting for me.
Sunday, June 14, 2020
Dear Doctors, TBI? DO AN MRI!!
So there are many things that many people don't seem to understand about my situation, including and most damaging, the medical providers. Here is the main thing:
I am still trying to piece together what really happened to me. What really happened to my brain and when.
Some people seem to think the "what really happened and when" doesn't or shouldn't matter. They think I need to look at it as "this is the brain injury you have, so now you deal with it."
Well, I am trying to. You would think that much would be obvious.
But even so, I sometimes feel very angry that they expect me to just accept that "we don't know" because the reality of the "we don't know" is that WE COULD HAVE KNOWN. We could have known exactly what the damage was from if they had done an MRI immediately after the car accident. We could have possibly known if the next two doctors I saw about it had ordered an MRI. And AND this is really kind of a big deal, WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN right away because the fact that I have permanent scaring suggests I was at very high risk for complications that were not being monitored. Dr. Reddy (Concussion Dr. at the Neuroscience Institute) was wrong to not order an MRI herself even though it had been 4 months since the car accident before I could get to her, but she was right about one thing: I should not have been working (which led to my being fired from that job in a very unfair and traumatic way).
And honestly this is as far as I go tonight... I am tired of trying to figure it out and what to do about it and yet it seems so very important to figure out.
Soooo many things could have been prevented if that first doctor at the North Ogden IHC Instacare would have ordered an MRI... Actually, maybe first fail was with the ENT ambulance drivers that gave me the option to go in the ambulance or not. Don't expect a person who was clearly hit in the head, is overly emotional, confused, and is struggling to make a decisions, to make the decision about whether or not they should be taken to the hospital to have their head checked out.
And if you or anyone you know is ever in this predicament, please get your head checked out!
I am still trying to piece together what really happened to me. What really happened to my brain and when.
Some people seem to think the "what really happened and when" doesn't or shouldn't matter. They think I need to look at it as "this is the brain injury you have, so now you deal with it."
Well, I am trying to. You would think that much would be obvious.
But even so, I sometimes feel very angry that they expect me to just accept that "we don't know" because the reality of the "we don't know" is that WE COULD HAVE KNOWN. We could have known exactly what the damage was from if they had done an MRI immediately after the car accident. We could have possibly known if the next two doctors I saw about it had ordered an MRI. And AND this is really kind of a big deal, WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN right away because the fact that I have permanent scaring suggests I was at very high risk for complications that were not being monitored. Dr. Reddy (Concussion Dr. at the Neuroscience Institute) was wrong to not order an MRI herself even though it had been 4 months since the car accident before I could get to her, but she was right about one thing: I should not have been working (which led to my being fired from that job in a very unfair and traumatic way).
And honestly this is as far as I go tonight... I am tired of trying to figure it out and what to do about it and yet it seems so very important to figure out.
Soooo many things could have been prevented if that first doctor at the North Ogden IHC Instacare would have ordered an MRI... Actually, maybe first fail was with the ENT ambulance drivers that gave me the option to go in the ambulance or not. Don't expect a person who was clearly hit in the head, is overly emotional, confused, and is struggling to make a decisions, to make the decision about whether or not they should be taken to the hospital to have their head checked out.
And if you or anyone you know is ever in this predicament, please get your head checked out!
Saturday, June 13, 2020
Turning points and tough decisions.
the chemical ups have definitely subsided. I am much more stable...
but I feel as though I am loosing some of that stability again because anger is exploding from me a bit...
I AM ANGRY
And not just about me and my shit but about the shit that too many people handle and how we are all so damn shitty at helping each other....
I AM MAD
I am mad that I am so powerless to do anything about the inaccuracies, false accusations and even straight up defamation in my medical records.
I am mad about how my kids have been effected. I am mad that my son is alone and lonely, that this experience has resulted in him feeling and becoming somewhat isolated. How the hell does a 13-14 year old boy explain to anyone the anxiety he is having because the medical institution that his mom loved and trusted had the cops sent to his house and he was led to believe his mom had committed suicide after he had an altercation with her.
It's too much for a 13 year old boy to watch his mom go manic and then fade into a depression that was so mind altering that she was not the same person she used to be, but rather a screwed up version of his mom that is in a love with another man that happened to be the medical provider that had broken her and she is trying to protect him when he is lying about her condition to those that could help her, she is unstable but trying her best to not be, and she is so suicidal from it that it was impossible to hide although she was trying her best to and to not be that also.
That is too damn much for any child
and I am sad and angry that he has had to go through that. I am sad and angry that I don't know how to handle it or how to help him now. I am angry that I know space from me is probably a good thing for him. I am sad and angry about that because I love him, he is still my young son, and he is so important to me. I am sad and angry because so many things have been canceled that finding any good opportunities with peers his age this summer is very difficult and, so far, also very far away. He wants to go. He deserves to go. ...It is expensive... but more than that, I will miss him and I will worry about him... And I want to keep him. I want to make things better... that I cannot make better... no matter how hard I try. I can not fix the way things have happened or his pain.... I cannot even seem to be able to fix my own problems. And he is loosing faith in humanity at far too young an age because of it.
...So I need to let him go, I think, and this is hurting me more than I care to admit to myself...
I am tired of handling this. I am angry that my kids having to handle this. They already had the burden of handling my broken and exhausted brain... I am tired of doctors that are supposed to help me untangle what was made a mess by other doctors. Other doctors that have done what they can to cover up the mess and make it appear like I was the one making all the mistakes and tangling things up...
I am sad about the strains my breaking and this mess has caused my relationships. Relationships that have also impacted my children. I am not the only one who has lost friends through this. I am sad about how big of a mess I was. I am sad but also still know, that then, I really was doing the best that I could. It was the first time in my life that I knew I was doing the best I could. I am not sure that I am anymore. I am stable but I am a coward and I am confused on how keep proceeding and especially on how to help my kids that have also been affected by this.
...I will miss my son terribly... I want to keep him here and plan our own adventures and work on the projects that got lost and abandoned amidst this chaos. I want to teach him and love him... But that may not be what he needs right now since he wants to rebel against me, angry about the situation, but also wants to love me and protect me and fears how his actions affect me while feeling resentment that they do. So sometimes he pushes buttons and then feels terrible about it. He is a good kid and I know deep down he wants to be the good that he is, but he needs a break from me and my brokenness... Which is very sad... and I am sad... and this is not really what I thought I needed to process, but I see now that I do in a big way.
... Yet, while it is sad,
you know what,
at least we are all big enough to admit it, face it, and do something about it, in a way that is moving forward with thoughtful regard and consideration for all parties. And ultimately I hope he knows just how much I love him and how much I appreciate his being there for me and trying to do what he could when I was fighting for my life. I appreciate how strong he is and has been and how clever and talented he is. I appreciate how capable he is and that he loves and cares for others even when it is hard. And, even though I had asked him not to, and they did use it against me (and him) the way I feared they would, I am so incredibly proud of my son for having the guts to call the institution and at least try to talk to the man he knew was responsible for the breaking his mother.
I am one lucky mom.
but I feel as though I am loosing some of that stability again because anger is exploding from me a bit...
I AM ANGRY
And not just about me and my shit but about the shit that too many people handle and how we are all so damn shitty at helping each other....
I AM MAD
I am mad that I am so powerless to do anything about the inaccuracies, false accusations and even straight up defamation in my medical records.
I am mad about how my kids have been effected. I am mad that my son is alone and lonely, that this experience has resulted in him feeling and becoming somewhat isolated. How the hell does a 13-14 year old boy explain to anyone the anxiety he is having because the medical institution that his mom loved and trusted had the cops sent to his house and he was led to believe his mom had committed suicide after he had an altercation with her.
It's too much for a 13 year old boy to watch his mom go manic and then fade into a depression that was so mind altering that she was not the same person she used to be, but rather a screwed up version of his mom that is in a love with another man that happened to be the medical provider that had broken her and she is trying to protect him when he is lying about her condition to those that could help her, she is unstable but trying her best to not be, and she is so suicidal from it that it was impossible to hide although she was trying her best to and to not be that also.
That is too damn much for any child
and I am sad and angry that he has had to go through that. I am sad and angry that I don't know how to handle it or how to help him now. I am angry that I know space from me is probably a good thing for him. I am sad and angry about that because I love him, he is still my young son, and he is so important to me. I am sad and angry because so many things have been canceled that finding any good opportunities with peers his age this summer is very difficult and, so far, also very far away. He wants to go. He deserves to go. ...It is expensive... but more than that, I will miss him and I will worry about him... And I want to keep him. I want to make things better... that I cannot make better... no matter how hard I try. I can not fix the way things have happened or his pain.... I cannot even seem to be able to fix my own problems. And he is loosing faith in humanity at far too young an age because of it.
...So I need to let him go, I think, and this is hurting me more than I care to admit to myself...
I am tired of handling this. I am angry that my kids having to handle this. They already had the burden of handling my broken and exhausted brain... I am tired of doctors that are supposed to help me untangle what was made a mess by other doctors. Other doctors that have done what they can to cover up the mess and make it appear like I was the one making all the mistakes and tangling things up...
I am sad about the strains my breaking and this mess has caused my relationships. Relationships that have also impacted my children. I am not the only one who has lost friends through this. I am sad about how big of a mess I was. I am sad but also still know, that then, I really was doing the best that I could. It was the first time in my life that I knew I was doing the best I could. I am not sure that I am anymore. I am stable but I am a coward and I am confused on how keep proceeding and especially on how to help my kids that have also been affected by this.
...I will miss my son terribly... I want to keep him here and plan our own adventures and work on the projects that got lost and abandoned amidst this chaos. I want to teach him and love him... But that may not be what he needs right now since he wants to rebel against me, angry about the situation, but also wants to love me and protect me and fears how his actions affect me while feeling resentment that they do. So sometimes he pushes buttons and then feels terrible about it. He is a good kid and I know deep down he wants to be the good that he is, but he needs a break from me and my brokenness... Which is very sad... and I am sad... and this is not really what I thought I needed to process, but I see now that I do in a big way.
... Yet, while it is sad,
you know what,
at least we are all big enough to admit it, face it, and do something about it, in a way that is moving forward with thoughtful regard and consideration for all parties. And ultimately I hope he knows just how much I love him and how much I appreciate his being there for me and trying to do what he could when I was fighting for my life. I appreciate how strong he is and has been and how clever and talented he is. I appreciate how capable he is and that he loves and cares for others even when it is hard. And, even though I had asked him not to, and they did use it against me (and him) the way I feared they would, I am so incredibly proud of my son for having the guts to call the institution and at least try to talk to the man he knew was responsible for the breaking his mother.
I am one lucky mom.
Monday, June 8, 2020
Pain in the Ass. You want something to beat me up over? I'll give you something to beat me up over
I've had an upswing in reads on this blog. That is nice to see. And I really have to take that little victory today because I am so tired of taking hits in my realtime world.
Dr. Tangled, that was a kind of jerk at my follow up appointment with her, requested my husband schedule an appointment when he called asking for clarification. He scheduled it thinking she wanted to help correct whatever went wrong with that appointment. But it seems she actually wanted us to come back just so she could exert her dominance, accuse me of doing so many things wrong while at the sometime blaming the TBI but making sure I knew just how crappy she thinks I deserve to be treated. We did not feel we should have to pay for that appointment. But this morning her office manager called to let me know they will be charging for that appointment. Now remember my husband is the one who called them. I sent an brief email, but he called. He is stable and perceived as such while Dr. Tangled accused me of being anxious all of the time and other things, yet they chose to call me and not my husband.
And I am so tired of feeling like it is all my fault, I am the problem, and always to blame entirely for these omnipotent providers acting like jerks.
I think some of this may be reflective of bigger cultural problems.
But I really don't want to go into that too deep right now.
Even before this phone call (and the one that followed from the next person up the line that went about the same) I had a hard time getting out of bed because it kind of feels pointless sometimes, so this hit is at a bad time. And her office director, as nice as she seemed, had to make sure I know that Dr. Tangled does not get complaints like this. Of course she doesn't, TBI patients rarely file complaints, they usually just absorb it, feeling like they deserve it. But more than that it, I find it highly likely she is being influenced by the defamation and slandering of me in the medical records that follow me... So of course I deserve to be treated like trash, that is what I have been diagnosed as by the Neuroscience Institution that is of more significance than her practice is.
But I really don't want to go into that too deep right now.
Even before this phone call (and the one that followed from the next person up the line that went about the same) I had a hard time getting out of bed because it kind of feels pointless sometimes, so this hit is at a bad time. And her office director, as nice as she seemed, had to make sure I know that Dr. Tangled does not get complaints like this. Of course she doesn't, TBI patients rarely file complaints, they usually just absorb it, feeling like they deserve it. But more than that it, I find it highly likely she is being influenced by the defamation and slandering of me in the medical records that follow me... So of course I deserve to be treated like trash, that is what I have been diagnosed as by the Neuroscience Institution that is of more significance than her practice is.
... People are so lemming like and predictable. They repeat the same stupid patterns at every level. The same patterns are being seen on larger scales with all the insanity that is happening in the world right now. The corporations and big names are jumping quickly onto bandwagons to show how much they care when in reality they are doing nothing to help and often further perpetuating harm by jumping on bandwagons that are condemning too many people who are not bad.
Like Black Lives Matter. Of course they do, but how does Amazon stating that on their website help anyone? And how are protestors glaring, shaking their signs aggressively and yelling at us in our car as they march past helping with that? I am not on opposite sides as what they proclaim to be protesting yet they were definitely making sure I felt their wrath with me. But for what?
I am tired of people so aggressively defending their misjudgments of me. Just because you want to think I am something or one way does not make me that way.
Although this type of treatment of people does often result in, or makes it appear to result in the person turning into exactly what they are being accused of. I think the movie Zootopia covers this topic very well. People often finally give up and give in with an "if I can't beat them I might as well join them" style attitude and I see very clearly why. It is so hard to continue trying to prove that you are not what you have been wrongly labeled or accused of being especially if you know their is some accuracy and especially if the people accusing are in positions of power over you. I have mentioned this before, this happens all of the time to school children in school systems. It happens with race, it happens with poverty, it happens in families, it happens ALL THE TIME to girls and women who are sexually abused and/or exploited, and it also happens ALL THE TIME to people with "mental illness."
The most vulnerable among us are far too often blamed more than they are helped. This experience has taught me a lot about victim shaming and my eyes have been opened to just how huge of a problem it is. So victims turn into abusers themselves. Or they continue on the path that was set for them because they cannot escape the labels and misjudgments.
I don't want to be that person. I don't want to become what they want to make me out to be. I don't want to be what I have been misunderstood and misjudged to be. But I also refuse to lie down and take it anymore.
So now what?
Celebrate my small victories, keep standing up for myself and speaking out, and (as Dr. She would say) fight harder.
Yes ma'am.
Will do.
And tomorrow I will not have a hard time getting out of bed because I obviously have a job or two to do.
I WILL NOT burn out. I WILL NOT continue to allow people to treat me poorly. I WILL stand up for myself. I WILL keep speaking up and speaking out and I WILL warn others every chance I get until changes happen that also protect and help me and until I know I have done everything I can to protect every person possible from similar mistreatment.
The man up the line from Dr. Tangled's office director said they will be billing insurance but then call after we get a bill to see what we can figure out. I can tell you this, especially considering that they are still billing insurance, that if they seriously expect us to pay after the way things went then it is very unlikely that Dr. Tangled really does not get complaints like this. If I really am the only person who she has had a problem with, than waiving that bill to be rid of me is the most likely response. However, if they want to fight with a peon like me and accuse me of being the entire problem, then we all know it's not very likely that the claim that this doctor "never gets complaints like this" is true. Or she is afraid that if she lets one person "win" she will have to let all of them "win" which is usually only a fear to those who have wronged many.
...Maybe I am going to turn into the pain in the ass I have been accused of being. Maybe I need to let people see just how big of a pain in the ass I have NOT been...
I don't know but I do know I do not deserve to be treated the way that woman treated me and also be expected to pay for it.
Like Black Lives Matter. Of course they do, but how does Amazon stating that on their website help anyone? And how are protestors glaring, shaking their signs aggressively and yelling at us in our car as they march past helping with that? I am not on opposite sides as what they proclaim to be protesting yet they were definitely making sure I felt their wrath with me. But for what?
I am tired of people so aggressively defending their misjudgments of me. Just because you want to think I am something or one way does not make me that way.
Although this type of treatment of people does often result in, or makes it appear to result in the person turning into exactly what they are being accused of. I think the movie Zootopia covers this topic very well. People often finally give up and give in with an "if I can't beat them I might as well join them" style attitude and I see very clearly why. It is so hard to continue trying to prove that you are not what you have been wrongly labeled or accused of being especially if you know their is some accuracy and especially if the people accusing are in positions of power over you. I have mentioned this before, this happens all of the time to school children in school systems. It happens with race, it happens with poverty, it happens in families, it happens ALL THE TIME to girls and women who are sexually abused and/or exploited, and it also happens ALL THE TIME to people with "mental illness."
The most vulnerable among us are far too often blamed more than they are helped. This experience has taught me a lot about victim shaming and my eyes have been opened to just how huge of a problem it is. So victims turn into abusers themselves. Or they continue on the path that was set for them because they cannot escape the labels and misjudgments.
I don't want to be that person. I don't want to become what they want to make me out to be. I don't want to be what I have been misunderstood and misjudged to be. But I also refuse to lie down and take it anymore.
So now what?
Celebrate my small victories, keep standing up for myself and speaking out, and (as Dr. She would say) fight harder.
Yes ma'am.
Will do.
And tomorrow I will not have a hard time getting out of bed because I obviously have a job or two to do.
I WILL NOT burn out. I WILL NOT continue to allow people to treat me poorly. I WILL stand up for myself. I WILL keep speaking up and speaking out and I WILL warn others every chance I get until changes happen that also protect and help me and until I know I have done everything I can to protect every person possible from similar mistreatment.
The man up the line from Dr. Tangled's office director said they will be billing insurance but then call after we get a bill to see what we can figure out. I can tell you this, especially considering that they are still billing insurance, that if they seriously expect us to pay after the way things went then it is very unlikely that Dr. Tangled really does not get complaints like this. If I really am the only person who she has had a problem with, than waiving that bill to be rid of me is the most likely response. However, if they want to fight with a peon like me and accuse me of being the entire problem, then we all know it's not very likely that the claim that this doctor "never gets complaints like this" is true. Or she is afraid that if she lets one person "win" she will have to let all of them "win" which is usually only a fear to those who have wronged many.
...Maybe I am going to turn into the pain in the ass I have been accused of being. Maybe I need to let people see just how big of a pain in the ass I have NOT been...
I don't know but I do know I do not deserve to be treated the way that woman treated me and also be expected to pay for it.
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