Adventure, Physiology and Guns

Yesterday we had an adventure. Spontaneous, not super significant, but an adventure like we have not had in awhile. My husband had reason to drive out to west desert country, Tooele, to be exact. He asked if I wanted to come, actually it was probably more the other way around first, I had to drop hints that I wanted him to ask. I asked if we could go to the wonder stone quarry. They are some of my favorite little rocks. So plain on the outside but quite interesting and beautiful inside. He agreed so we were off to have an adventure.

Outside

Inside

My daughter laid out a few of her favorites.

It was nice. I loved it. I felt the chemistry push back a little, it was wanting to go to high ...and if I am really honest and documenting the effects of the dropping of a patient in transference and mania I will tell you it is annoying that those feelings bring Dr. He to mind... because he is now tied to my messed up chemistry and especially the happy more high feelings. What a kill joy, even though he probably is not, so I don't let it and I try to stay present and find the balance in my reality and mighty fine moments.
I know that I need him to fade since he is really a jerk (even though he presents as quite sweet and charming) who won't take responsibility, professionally or personally, and has no respect or concern for me.
And that is all I want to say about that.
I do hope you see I am rational and can see it for what it is but the effects are still rather psychologically profound and significant. And I hope anyone else experiencing anything similar knows they are not alone and what they are going through is really not right.
In spite of the annoying physiological association, our fun adventure helped me feel more of me again and reminded me of the simple things I enjoy.

After our fun little adventure my husband was craving a good hamburger and it was surprisingly difficult to find. We ended up at some .357 place because it had good reviews. .357 is a reference to guns since the place was connected to a shooting range and gun store. We weren't sure it was quite what we were looking for so we decided to look at the gun side of things while we discussed our decision.
They had a display of hand guns you could handle and I was looking at this as we discussed. I picked them up. They seemed like toys. I have handled guns plenty before, but a chill ran through me as the thoughts that I have been fighting to shut down came into my minds eye once again. I put it down and said with out even thinking "I think I need to leave."
My husband seemed to see something in me so he did not object or delay. And as we walked away I realized again just how easy it'd have been for me to have ended it all, like my brother, if I had easy access or if a gun had been left laying around.
They never are in our house.
My brother had served in the military in Afghanistan and that may be why he slept with a loaded gun.
But we do have guns in our house and I am glad I don't know exactly where they are or how to load them. (Actually I probably do know how to load them but have conveniently forgotten and I am choosing to keep it that way right now)
...Last night I thought of the gun safe in our garage, the one that my brother-in-law brought over when my sister was not doing so well.
And I have mixed feelings about guns all of the sudden -a right I know needs protecting after being held up a gun point in a country where they are illegal, yet a very real threat to me right now.
And I don't want to go into the politics and nonsense of it but right now I am glad I don't have access ...and so last night I let my husband know to make sure it stays that way for some time.
It is a symptom and this is an intelligent preventative measure that I would suggest to anyone else who may also have this symptom.
This is reality.
Please understand.
My fight I will fight with bare hands.
and I feel this is important to share.

The Husband

The other part of this equation is the relationship with myself and my husband.

 I don't share so much about this but obviously there are going to be problems.

And when there are, guess what it feeds?

No one is fighting for me

Even though he is,  just in his own way, it hurts because of our differences. 

Too many years neglected, overlooked, under appreciated the way that most good wives are. And yet he has had to endure the intensities of me, so for neither has it been super easy. He does say that how I handle has always impressed him... 

We have always been friends, usually best friends but

Relationships are hard and we have struggled a lot.

Between us I have always been honest and he has learned to be also.

But maybe I am too honest.

...The trait that gets me in trouble. 

So honest that he (husband) realized before I did that I had fallen in love with my therapist. 

But he didn't mind 

he knows how I work 

and he knows that I'll keep it in line. 

Now he minds. I am no longer "in love" with my therapist because he is not my therapist and he will have nothing to do with me ever anyway. But it is stupid and hard that he is still tied to my chemistry and it still hurts so damn bad.

I do not know how to handle all of this.

And neither does my husband. 

I am working on it.

I am

But sometimes I still stumble and fall with my haywire chemistry

which is what the previous entry is about.

Right now what bothers me is the intensity of the stumbles now in relation to the rest of the time.

Now, they are intense in something different. I can mostly keep it hidden that I have bruised a few knuckles fighting me back.

I actually phoned a friend the other day. 

I don't think I have ever done that before in that state.

I keep thinking it's done, gone, I'm good, I can move on, but then silence too long, push back, or off handed remarks, brings something quite scary back out. 

I want to say I am out of the woods and I think I will eventually be... but my physiology still sometimes thinks it is supposed to be rid of me...

This battle at times is so very hard.

I am right now writing from a much better place then I was in my previous entry. 

And as I reflect I see that I did not eat right and slept terribly. I actually dreamt of medical bills...

It is annoying how fragile I am.

TBI realities? I think so. Exacerbated by the medical and therapy gods -arrogant buffoons who own the word ethical and decide who is and isn't worth saving.

...not worth the fight so I write

I’m still struggling.
Still stuck in this place
Because “I will never have anything to do with you”
And he’ll make sure
But you is me and me is you when enmeshed in therapy
It’s overwhelming
Life
My dreams and aspirations
And somehow just writing still helps
It’s better then the image of a gun to the head
Even though that gun is just for cleaning

“Do you really think that”
Asks Dr. She when I tell her “at least if she has she’s in a better place”
Because I know that God will still love her

Why keep fighting?
I sometimes wonder
Just so Dr. She can feel like a hero?
These are thoughts that go through my head
And they bother me
Especially since I am so much more level
...slow...
Sometimes it is taking too long to recover
And I am not worth the fight
So I write

Bipolarity -The Confusion and Effects

New neuropsychologist is working to get herself fired. I can tell. And while I’m glad she is (because that is what good therapists do) it makes me a touch sad because I quite like her. Today we talked a bit about what I blogged yesterday. How Dr. He is now tied to my physiology, so when I feel push back on medication or that up excited chemistry, I feel him... I am angry about it and she understands. It's like smells that bring back memories etc. She asks if it has faded at all. Yes, mostly but in the intensity of the chemistry it can bring it all back. A tie that was strengthened over the months of my trying to undo it while they kept tying me to it in the denials and neglect of my chemistry. AN then further nurtured by taboo and forbidden.
I tell Dr. She I don't know how the hell I survived without the medication. She wants me to fill in with new passion. And I have and I am. She asks me "so when are you going to become a therapist?" I love that she asks and how she asks because she thinks I'd be good and she knows I've got a lot to offer but need the credentials to be heard.
I also had her read the letters from the Neuroscience Institute. After reading the termination letter from the entire Neuroscience Institute she explained how communication was probably poor. Obviously.
She tells me they obviously terminated me because they felt I was a liability and she says of the letter, “this is retaliation for opening the investigation.”
But I didn’t even want to open the stupid investigation. I did not understand it. I was doing what I felt like they were telling me to do... trying to follow their rules.
And that makes me wonder if the investigation was the intentional scheme from the get go to justify exactly that; the terminating me from the entire facility. I wonder this especially considering these points:
-I had told the patient advocate multiple times that I did not understand the investigation or the point of the investigation,
-I was refused multiple times in person communication with anyone about it,
-and I even asked them to stop the investigation until I understood better or could explain what I was asking for better, but they did not. In fact, at that point, they changed their tone from "you have plenty of time" to "we need it tomorrow by 9:00am" in an email that was sent late afternoon. The patient advocate, **, even said something to the effect of, "we can't just start and stop the investigation at will."
And then the information they came back with did not even match what I was asking.
The confusion and mess of emails sent to Patient Advocate would have been really hard to decipher. The tears and emotion, the begging for help coupled with the statements of, "I don't want him get into trouble," would have most certainly led to confusion. But they refused me in person meetings with anyone. They refused, once again, to see the very obvious problem: that I was reacting too extreme and something was not quite right with my brain; the point I was trying to make. I needed clarification, and I needed a diagnosis or at least medication and I needed it from those who had present during my breaking, who were the professionals, who had agreed to help me and whom I trusted. I was a fool to trust them, yes, but I was also quite broken and trying to go other places was just contributing to the confusion for me and for them (the other places).
What a fiasco. What an ordeal. And I was trying so hard to play by their rules and understand what it was they were saying and asking.
So here is an important lesson to learn and remember if you are a provider: If ever you have an intelligent patent that has always behaved rather well, but suddenly they are too high and too happy and then significantly confused and confusing, no matter their composure, they are really not right in their brain or their physiology. When they are telling you "I am just trying to figure out what is going on with my head." and "I don't know who I can trust. I don't know if I can even trust myself." and if that person just keeps coming back proclaiming their love and their trust, and things like "the message received is I need to be rid of myself" (that one is suicidal, and I really thought they were intelligent enough to understand that) then you should know that they are not stable and medical intervention is desperately needed and it is your responsibility to make sure they get it. 

My daughter illustrated this well
and with her permission I am sharing.

I'll explain. She is in an IB art class and she has to do some projects. One day she texted me a "mock up" for one of her proposed projects. She told me the idea was born from placing a flower cutout over the eye of a face in a magazine picture. She said she liked the imagery and so she started to develop it, not really planning, but letting it evolve. When she finished she told me that to her it represented bipolarity. She asked me what I thought. I love it. And I tell her so. I think it is a great representation.

I do have a little bit of feed back but I think on it for a day or two deciding if it mattered enough to be offered. When the picture comes up in conversation I decide to offer my feedback (or maybe requests) and I say "I want to see the manic side more confident, open and euphoric." Our conversation is sweet but honest, constructive in our acceptance of each other's opinions and I feel, as mom, I have done something right. I am so impressed with this beautiful young lady. She tells my why she does not want to add a slight one sided smile or brighten or broaden the shoulders of the manic side.
First she wants it to be uniform because "there is still uniformity in the two extremes." But what she tells me next takes me a day or two to really understand as she tries to explain the vulnerability and mossy darkness of both sides she is showing. She also says she does not want the bipolarity to be too obvious because it isn't always so obvious and people can and do hide it.
...You would think this girl has witnessed something very interesting to have such profound interpretations... She has.
I see in the picture my pain and her pain and she wants people to see the vulnerability of both sides.
The vulnerability, the exposed, and the trying to cover the raw tragedy that just can't quite be covered up...
Can you see how lucky I am? to have such an amazing friend that happens to be my phenomenal daughter.
And my son I can also thank for profound understanding that has also helped me to survive.
Bipolar or not, manic cannot and will not be denied by these two
and at least I am one lucky mom.

tied to my surging chemistry

I'm crying again.
The push back is too much
I don't want to keep it down and keep it in
I want to explode.
I want to understand what the hell happened to me and why
But I am just not allowed.
Which makes no sense at a all and it is frustrating because I still have the damn (want to swear worse but holding back) symptoms that were denied. My body is still fighting.
And what makes me angry tonight is that when I feel that push back I am brought back to damned Dr. He that won't talk to me. I am brought back there because of the association of chemistry that is now tied to him and not just by me. He tied me more tightly with his words that he didn't even mean -except the wanting to have nothing to do with me, that he obviously meant. And the reason he gave was because he could see himself falling in love with me; so I hope you can excuse my confusion and frustration that has come with the territory.
How can you ever think that is okay to say to someone who loves you and trusts you so completely... Especially in therapy... especially with a person who has just sent you 6 emails progressively more weird and one being an article about the troubles of being too much and feeling too deeply.
(I just edited out some seriously adult content that my friend Bob will be disappointed I took out) But I also do wonder if he is punishing me because the mania was not manifested to him the way it was to my husband...
Maybe he hoped I would kill myself, to be rid of me. The more I see of the countertransference population I see a lot of commonalities and an intense suicidal battle is one of them. He had to have known that this could not end well for me. "I see that you love me and I maybe might love you so I'll never, ever, have anything to do with you again even though you need me and trust me completely" is the ethical way to handle this? I'm calling bullshit. Those were not his words exactly but the gist of the conversation.
The people I am seeing who have also suffered from abrupt countertransference related termination are caring, fair, trying to be reasonable, trying to be responsible, kind and concerned about others even giving thanks to responders who have subtle and not-so-subtle jackassness.
... as you can see from my response to this one I am increasingly expressive in my anger: Quor.com: My therapist and I developed a co-dependent ...
I keep thinking I am moving along in my healing and closing only to be again hit by the chemistry....
Dear Dr. He, I will keep talking and I will keep fighting until this is resolved and if you would rather it not be a public debacle then you probably ought to talk to me, because these things need to be talked about and these issues resolved not just with me but within your industry.
I will not be sacrificed and I will not so easily accept the burned out fate that you wish for me.
I am tired of fighting my screwed up chemistry that you carelessly exacerbated.
I would have loved you. I would have helped you, I could have been a part of your team. But instead you decided I was trash and you sent me out as such, convincing the whole institution to agree... If I am wrong correct me. You were wrong about me and okay with it but I am not, and my voice counts when we are speaking of me.
... I'm written out, the nightly dose of medication working now; working to knock me out... I will edit tomorrow. or never. who cares and good night

Dr. Concussion

"You don't understand, I can't not try and solve this, it just depends on how I try to solve this," I say (or something like it) to Dr. He.

I am fairly certain we were talking about different things or at least not entirely on the same page. Solving. My brain just does that. I can not really stop it. If I do it does it when I am sleeping and I wake up to it... And it especially needed to then because I was manic while memories were flooding back. 

I saw a clip from the movie A Beautiful Mind awhile back, in it the main character comes to the realization that the girl he is hallucinating never ages. He is trying to figure out what is real and what is not. He cannot stop solving because half the characters in his life are not real and telling to do some strange things. 

I do not hallucinate like that, but it is a good illustration of why someone who has an altered mind cannot stop solving. The consequences could literally be deadly. 

My mind turns on me more than outside forces if I try to stop solving and my chemistry takes me to very strange places that I just don't know how to handle. I would likely be much more reckless if I were to stop solving. It could be fun and at times I am tempted but my morals may be far too high, so they keep me grounded and sometimes buried in the quandary of humanity. 

...That is too deep. 

Back to solving...

I have thought about how I have been a bit unfair in my focus on dear Dr. He because really Dr. Concussion was the one who neglected to get me on a mood stabilizer in the time that she saw and said that I was unstable. She was the one who could have and should have prescribed that mood stabilizer long ago. She was the only one I trusted too, and I told her so. 

I have been thinking about this and how much she has hurt me and why I have not said much about that... Why my focus has been so much on Dr. He. 

Here is where I am at in the processing of that:

#1 Dr. He is a drug to me. Obviously.

#2 He seems to me the root of the problem or at least the one who was there and who I somehow have foolishly trusted could see that and help to get everyone there without me having to talk about his boundary violations that greatly enhanced the ordeal.

#3 It hurts.

It hurts and is too heavy a burden when I think how they all have behaved toward me. It hurts that Dr. Concussion treated me so strange and even said some of the things that she said. It hurts and I loved her too. Not nearly the same but I did. I trusted her and I told her so. She said she would help, she acted as if she was but at the same time she did not listen or acted as if she was while just trying to pawn me off on someone else but without the follow through that I needed and careful not to allow me to see anyone else in her facility. 

It hurts so I think I have avoided taking on another deep hurt when I was barely surviving. 

#4 I don't want to believe that another had failed me, treated me as nothing more than a liability. But she did. 

#5 I already have such serious trust issues with women and I really liked her and she is the professional... It is again another unresolved issue in my life confirming that I must be the problem. 

#6 I just don't want to play these stupid games. I don't want to be a victim, I don't want to blame everyone, I don't like this place at all

#7 again; I don't know how to handle this and I do not know what to do about this.
...So I stop analyzing now, I don't want to anymore because I feel a pain in my chest, a lump in my throat, and tears starting to well. 

However this was the halfway state solving I struggled to wake entirely from this morning. When your brain is solving in your sleep it makes it hard to wake up and you wake up feeling exhausted. 

Do I allow myself to try and solve in the day allowing the tears to flow freely or do I suppress and then solve in my sleep again waking up exhausted. I don't know. 

But my mind, as it levels and moves ever more out of the unstable psychological thriller of dear Dr. He, begins to see more clearly the things I could not handle before... so the pain intense and heartbreaking continues as I find I have been unfair to him in my desire to protect something else.. Me or Dr. Concussion? 

Office Director or Patient Advocate.

Even ** the assistant to Dr Concussion 

and the girl at the front desk who stops the new girl I have never seen before form telling me "check in is down there" because "you check in over here."

...Not so Alone? in Yet Another of my Trials?

The thing about Dr. He is that he is easily lovable. It is not surprising that he has ancestors from India and that he thought I saw him "as some sort of guru." His voice is soothing and even hypnotic. He seems to put other first. He is knowledgable and somewhat philosophical and he even knows how to use Jedi mind tricks. He is good at connecting with people, he told me so. He is careful with his words and thinks before he speaks.
He has a sense of humor, an accent, and he calls people "mate."
I have seen how eyes light up when they see him. I have heard the voice tones that are used.
He is well loved and easily believed.
I was not alone in my desire to protect him.
which is why it baffles me so very much that he had no interest in protecting me. That he refused to see what I so desperately needed him to see... my bipolarity; I was too high, I wasn't quite me, and really thinking and speaking a bit irrationally.
It hurts so much worse than it would if he were as arrogant as so many doctors come off.
Maybe I really did not see through his mask; although I do know that his oh-so-subtle sarcasm suggested some ego and he expected me to obey his commands.
...Yet as I reflect I find myself knowing it is very unlikely I am the only patient to fall for this man.
Is this simply how he handles it?
Has it worked in the past?
Does he honestly not know how irresponsible the way he dropped me and the things he said really are, especially if he really does not mean it, especially leaving a patient high and dry not hearing what they have to say because they are simply another client who has fallen for him?
He denied countertransference. He denied mania. He denied that he lost objectivity. He would not allow for clarification and denied making any mistakes. When asked by Dr. Concussion, in the medical records, he makes it sound as if I was pursuing him, there was no concern for my wellbeing. How foolish to think an intelligent person would think that would be the way to win a person over. That's crazy and I was-but not stupid- and I was telling them so, but that they denied, so how they have twisted should be transparent... except that he is a charmer.
He needs some training.
Or he needs to be caught.
I am certain I am stronger than others.
I fear how they have faired
I maybe was more confusing, more buried and broken, and maybe much more alone... but certainly stronger, I likely have far more years of buried experience with TBI then most he has known...

My friend says, "the wounded wound others"
Is that he? and yet that does not make sense to me, he is so immensely adored.
And that I don't want to be me... the wounded wounding others...
So I am baffled.
and I am concerned.
I am hurt.
I am discredited and disrespected by such a respected and well adored man...Knowing that I am hardly alone in my warped abandoned adoration.
Am I delusional about that?
And he has people so charmed and charms so easily... I know, in reality, I stand no chance standing up for myself since he is where this whole mess started... Why would he treat me so badly? He knows that I don't stand a chance...
All were and will be easily convinced that I am whatever he portrays me to be.

If I am not careful these thoughts will bring back with a vengeance the "let it burn out" and "have nothing to do with you" and I will start believing again that I must be bad, unsalvageable, and that I deserve to burn out. Completely.

I suppose if you find this blog and you find you feel anything similar or have had any experience similar, please, oh please reach out to me, and I will stand up for you too.