sleep evades me yet again.
to bed at 10
awake at 11
again at 4
again at 5
and awake since then
So I'm giving up on sleep again
since all I am doing is stewing
or something like that
I am only using that word because it rhymes
Today I have an appointment with my doctor that is in the same office as the therapist who exiled me.
Be busy
goodbye
Tuesday, January 8, 2019
Monday, January 7, 2019
7:35am
Last night I only took melatonin to help me sleep. I still woke at 3:30 and wanted to write but went back to sleep fairly easily. Then didn’t wake until 6:00 and then 7:00 (went to bed at 10pm)
The night (or two nights) before I had taken melatonin and clonazipam which worked about the same but my emotions yesterday were so screwy I decided to avoid the clonazipam and I am glad the melatonin worked fine last night.
At my 3 am waking my thoughts went a bit deep. They wanted to go deep but fortunately I was able to redirect them well enough to sleep.
reciprocity
I reflect other's feelings. projection. the intensity of my reactions may be reflective of the intensity of emotions projected?
I was able to go back to sleep and only have slightly been interested in revisiting those thoughts. Not sure that they are productive. So I'll leave them and I did because now it is 12:50 pm two days later and I am only writing to finish this up because it was open on my screen when I came to accomplish some other task on my computer.
I am easily side-tracked and derailed these days. I want resolution and I want to understand what "test" results were as well as why it is some people feel so sure that I am, can be, or will be of no value to them. That I am not worth the investment of time and energy. I would really like this question answered.
Maybe it is because I have not valued myself and truly when one does not believe in or value their self it is likely they won't be able to be of much value to others... but which came first the chicken or the egg? and why is it when I start to learn that or start to value myself that is when I will be turned on? What am I doing wrong?
At least I am of great superficial value still. I connect quickly and easily with people and they enjoy me for a moment I enjoy them and the moment is great. I am glad I can be that. I suppose I need to work on accepting that this is where it must end with me and I need to stay content with that through the times when I yearn for more.
Is that what I am to learn from this?
I don't know if this is me trying to "solve" or not. I think it is me trying to understand. And to solve or not to solve doesn't matter really because either way I am living this. This is my beautiful crazy life and not a burden but an adventure. Sometimes I wish more people could see it that way and enjoy the journey with me. I often feel I have more to contribute than I am allowed to. Oh well I guess. I suppose that is ego maybe arrogance? I don't know you decide today because I don't want to.
Okay... back on track...
What did I come on here to do again?
Saturday, January 5, 2019
tenacity
so when I type on my 70+ page self reflection and study report it does not copy and paste well if I choose to transfer it here. Therefore although, right now that is where I intended to start I am coming here because my thoughts feel like they might be worth publishing.
Push-Crash cycle. that is the cycle that is easy to get into after a head injury. It is a cycle I think I lived fairly regularly in since I was 12. After a head injury it is hard to break and aside from the obvious wearing out of crashes it wears a person out long term.
At 39 I had figured out well enough how to stay out of the extremes of those cycles, though I was not in my healthiest happiest place and honestly too much of my efforts to maintain in the more healthy productive ways had been lost and buried over the years, influenced maybe a bit too much by external influences. But I was level and managing. Emotional intensities sufficiently buried and/or masked as far as I thought. But maybe they weren't buried as well as I thought and I am sure they bled through the mask in ways that confused others. But I was fine without anti-depressants or anti-anxieties and I was finding my way once again after some pretty harsh rejection from what we had thought were good family friends.
Then I took a job at a school. I had been looking for part time but decided to take this one because it seemed like it could be a good place to build the career I have been putting off building and they said "family first." Unfortunately they had some very screwy philosophies that included top down training that came in the form of "well nobody trained me on it" and no curriculum resources. They also liked to make snap decisions about their teachers that would effect them significantly without ever getting the teachers input. Those and many other reasons made it a very unhealthy environment to work in and that was pretty obvious from the get go.
So I was in a quandary. This was not a healthy work environment and the demands were ridiculous being a first year charter school, no base curriculum, three grades, mainly troubled or low preforming students that were not getting the help and support they needed, no training on the basics; like how to use the smart tv's, new technology for the classroom and not the standard for the area, or the grading system. But I loved the kids I was working with.. It was a dilemma as I quickly became less and less available for my own struggling family. Since they had not got the numbers they were expecting at the first part of the year they had displaced teachers that could easily walk into my position I decided to start looking into other options.
On September 21st I made a decision to apply for a different job. I loved my kids I was working with but I new that my first priority needed to be to help my own kids. I talked with my administrator. I let her know how I was feeling about things, reminding her that I had initially been looking for part time and that she knew hiring me that family was my first priority. I explained that I was embarrassed, I felt bad about it and even though I was not sure what I was going to do just yet, that I was exploring other options and I wanted to give her a heads up. She was surprisingly understanding and supportive. She told me that they did not expect perfection but she also would support me in whatever decision I made. She let me know that I could just take it one week at a time and I didn't need to make a decision right away. It was the most support I had felt from administration the entire year, so I was encouraged, but still felt it worth applying and talking to the other school.
On my way home is when I go hit by a car turning left.
And that really complicated things.
Everything went black but I hadn't blacked out completely (I don't think). Then I was stopped and my arm and face hurt so badly, my emotions were instantly out of whack and I was confused, disoriented, and my whole body felt off; my right side felt longer than my left and I was limping even thought I didn't know why. I opted out of the ambulance ride, though on hind sight I wish I had taken it and had them do a whole body scan at the hospital because it would take so long to figure it all out and then I would have at least had it all documented from the beginning. They would have found the peroneal tendon tear in my ankle that I let go for over a year before deciding to have it examined by the correct doctor after realizing it was not going to heal on its own. If I had gone to the hospital they may have done an MRI or CT scan on my head that could have checked my sinuses and teeth that I have since had problems with. They may have picked up on why my left wrist will now get week and shaky with certain movements and activity. Maybe they would have picked up on the hairline fracture in my neck and maybe they would have found why my right hip still feels a little off too. But they almost certainly would have caught onto the concussion and given me better advice than the doctor at the insta care who I had to ask if it was a possibility and simply replied "maybe but we really don't do anything for those;" the doctor who was much more interested in my husbands thumb he had repaired the previous month than my puffy face and pathetic emotions.
Push crash became my daily routine.
It took a week and my chiropractors office picked up on the concussion. They realized I wasn't acting quite right and my exhaustion and emotions were telling a very obvious story to them.
It was a relief to know, though I think I already suspected it I was just to tired and malfunctional to really know it or face it.
But it scared the hell out of me.
It scared me because I already worried about my delicate brain, memory, language recall, emotional intensities, all of those things that I had worked so hard to "balance" and figure out how to manage since the head injury of my youth.
...It makes me sick just now, knowing that I found such an excellent doctor of neuropsychology that knows and understands the academic side of it so well and has been able to help me more than he realizes but that I am not allowed to utilize anymore. It makes me hurt a hurt built over a lifetime and all because he could possibly fall for me in some theoretical alternative? It is exactly what I need and I believe I could even be of value to him but I am of none. I am alone again. I have derailed... once again. My thoughts to reprocess and heal are derailed once again by this taboo and too many unanswered questions.
I am an adult. I am strong and solid and confident in so many ways. I have and can handle so very much. I am powerful. But I not a threat. ...unless one really is unethical then I often instinctively or intuitively turn into a natural fighter for justice and compassion. But even then just because I can be a fighter doesn't mean that I will be. Just because I am intelligent enough to go after a person and bring down the fort doesn't mean I will, and this most recent hit has taken so much of my fight out of me I haven't been able to even face the terrible school that is actually causing pain and psychological damage to children.
However I can hold my own but I am also sensitive and I listen. I try not to put "my own" over the needs of others. I can be accommodating and meet in the middle.
But I think this whole idea of having nothing to do with me because I am a potential liability, too complex, or not worth the time is unfair, disingenuous, and this is where it has become unethical. Besides I promise I can sufficiently kill (and probably already have) any feelings that could compromise his position. It's not that hard to face and talk to people. It seems so silly to me. Maybe a bit elitist.
I am not trying to solve this. I am living this and I wish to face it with maturity, like an adult and talk about it. It feels stupid and rather pointless in a way to try and work through this with a different counselor, they can only validate what I am feeling. He is trained and skilled and he can handle this. He has worked with me and understands me but he has withheld too much information and is unwilling to talk about it, that puts us both in the same positions as of the untrained, unskilled, heartbreakers, all of those who are too immature and scarred of facing their own insecurities to be a friend, or a professional, an adult or at least a creative free individual who can think and solve problems outside of the box.
When you have talked hard things out it is well worth it. The other side offers new strength value and insight you would not have otherwise had. Even if it doesn't go well or go as planned. There is more harm in leaving it a taboo; taking away the agency due to rigid conformity to rules that are not always correct.
I am a free thinker I suppose and I suppose in a world of conformity that is a lonely place to be.
I understand the need and value of conformity and I conform when needed and most often for the sake of others but to be able to think and discuss things openly and freely; it is a hidden treasure that is all to often buried and lost.
A conversation would be so helpful for me.
I am taking a clinic on the defensive cycles of communication. Doing what I can to become a better communicator because obviously I make mistakes but connecting with and understanding others is important to me.
... Now back on track to my original thoughts...
Head injuries cause problems. I am more sensitive to sleep and those basic healthy patterns of diet, exercise and sleep. I know this. It has been this was for a long time. But now it is even more so I feel. Though I am better. I can feel that I am better; my balance is better, I can write and communicate more effectively again, etc, I seem to be even more sensitive to those lifestyle patterns and stressors.
and right now it is a bit hard, sad and confusing because I once again have to figure out what to do with myself when I grow up. I love kids. I love working with kids but every time I substitute or if my class of snowboarders is to big I will have a head ache by 3:00 (or sooner) and then little to no reserves left to take care of my family, my house or myself. Often I will take a 30-45 minute nap and that will help but my mood stability is compromised at that point and I cry easy, I become impatient, I am forgetful and whatever else.
I am sad and confused about this because I once again have to figure out what to do with my life. How to move forward. I have to decide if I can or should even try to go back to teaching. Am I capable of it anymore? I likely could and find a balance, but I am not sure that it is worth it and honestly I am not sure how effective I would be... probably still a good teacher but I'd likely end up in trouble because I'd focus on the kids at the expense of all the political, grades, and paper work proofs they keep piling onto teachers. And no doubt I will end each day with a headache as I try to manage 30+ kids and all of their different learning styles at the same time everyday...
As I write this my internal tenacity is pushing back and a determination to try might be building... But...if I try and I find myself failing... I don't think that is a hit I can take. I'd sure like some good sound advice in this and other decisions I need to be making right now...
And likely the biggest problem form me right now is how screwed up my sleep cycle is after whatever weird reaction (manic-like) I had to being dropped by my therapist and then the time changes of Italy and back.
Push-Crash cycle. that is the cycle that is easy to get into after a head injury. It is a cycle I think I lived fairly regularly in since I was 12. After a head injury it is hard to break and aside from the obvious wearing out of crashes it wears a person out long term.
At 39 I had figured out well enough how to stay out of the extremes of those cycles, though I was not in my healthiest happiest place and honestly too much of my efforts to maintain in the more healthy productive ways had been lost and buried over the years, influenced maybe a bit too much by external influences. But I was level and managing. Emotional intensities sufficiently buried and/or masked as far as I thought. But maybe they weren't buried as well as I thought and I am sure they bled through the mask in ways that confused others. But I was fine without anti-depressants or anti-anxieties and I was finding my way once again after some pretty harsh rejection from what we had thought were good family friends.
Then I took a job at a school. I had been looking for part time but decided to take this one because it seemed like it could be a good place to build the career I have been putting off building and they said "family first." Unfortunately they had some very screwy philosophies that included top down training that came in the form of "well nobody trained me on it" and no curriculum resources. They also liked to make snap decisions about their teachers that would effect them significantly without ever getting the teachers input. Those and many other reasons made it a very unhealthy environment to work in and that was pretty obvious from the get go.
So I was in a quandary. This was not a healthy work environment and the demands were ridiculous being a first year charter school, no base curriculum, three grades, mainly troubled or low preforming students that were not getting the help and support they needed, no training on the basics; like how to use the smart tv's, new technology for the classroom and not the standard for the area, or the grading system. But I loved the kids I was working with.. It was a dilemma as I quickly became less and less available for my own struggling family. Since they had not got the numbers they were expecting at the first part of the year they had displaced teachers that could easily walk into my position I decided to start looking into other options.
On September 21st I made a decision to apply for a different job. I loved my kids I was working with but I new that my first priority needed to be to help my own kids. I talked with my administrator. I let her know how I was feeling about things, reminding her that I had initially been looking for part time and that she knew hiring me that family was my first priority. I explained that I was embarrassed, I felt bad about it and even though I was not sure what I was going to do just yet, that I was exploring other options and I wanted to give her a heads up. She was surprisingly understanding and supportive. She told me that they did not expect perfection but she also would support me in whatever decision I made. She let me know that I could just take it one week at a time and I didn't need to make a decision right away. It was the most support I had felt from administration the entire year, so I was encouraged, but still felt it worth applying and talking to the other school.
On my way home is when I go hit by a car turning left.
And that really complicated things.
Everything went black but I hadn't blacked out completely (I don't think). Then I was stopped and my arm and face hurt so badly, my emotions were instantly out of whack and I was confused, disoriented, and my whole body felt off; my right side felt longer than my left and I was limping even thought I didn't know why. I opted out of the ambulance ride, though on hind sight I wish I had taken it and had them do a whole body scan at the hospital because it would take so long to figure it all out and then I would have at least had it all documented from the beginning. They would have found the peroneal tendon tear in my ankle that I let go for over a year before deciding to have it examined by the correct doctor after realizing it was not going to heal on its own. If I had gone to the hospital they may have done an MRI or CT scan on my head that could have checked my sinuses and teeth that I have since had problems with. They may have picked up on why my left wrist will now get week and shaky with certain movements and activity. Maybe they would have picked up on the hairline fracture in my neck and maybe they would have found why my right hip still feels a little off too. But they almost certainly would have caught onto the concussion and given me better advice than the doctor at the insta care who I had to ask if it was a possibility and simply replied "maybe but we really don't do anything for those;" the doctor who was much more interested in my husbands thumb he had repaired the previous month than my puffy face and pathetic emotions.
Push crash became my daily routine.
It took a week and my chiropractors office picked up on the concussion. They realized I wasn't acting quite right and my exhaustion and emotions were telling a very obvious story to them.
It was a relief to know, though I think I already suspected it I was just to tired and malfunctional to really know it or face it.
But it scared the hell out of me.
It scared me because I already worried about my delicate brain, memory, language recall, emotional intensities, all of those things that I had worked so hard to "balance" and figure out how to manage since the head injury of my youth.
...It makes me sick just now, knowing that I found such an excellent doctor of neuropsychology that knows and understands the academic side of it so well and has been able to help me more than he realizes but that I am not allowed to utilize anymore. It makes me hurt a hurt built over a lifetime and all because he could possibly fall for me in some theoretical alternative? It is exactly what I need and I believe I could even be of value to him but I am of none. I am alone again. I have derailed... once again. My thoughts to reprocess and heal are derailed once again by this taboo and too many unanswered questions.
I am an adult. I am strong and solid and confident in so many ways. I have and can handle so very much. I am powerful. But I not a threat. ...unless one really is unethical then I often instinctively or intuitively turn into a natural fighter for justice and compassion. But even then just because I can be a fighter doesn't mean that I will be. Just because I am intelligent enough to go after a person and bring down the fort doesn't mean I will, and this most recent hit has taken so much of my fight out of me I haven't been able to even face the terrible school that is actually causing pain and psychological damage to children.
However I can hold my own but I am also sensitive and I listen. I try not to put "my own" over the needs of others. I can be accommodating and meet in the middle.
But I think this whole idea of having nothing to do with me because I am a potential liability, too complex, or not worth the time is unfair, disingenuous, and this is where it has become unethical. Besides I promise I can sufficiently kill (and probably already have) any feelings that could compromise his position. It's not that hard to face and talk to people. It seems so silly to me. Maybe a bit elitist.
I am not trying to solve this. I am living this and I wish to face it with maturity, like an adult and talk about it. It feels stupid and rather pointless in a way to try and work through this with a different counselor, they can only validate what I am feeling. He is trained and skilled and he can handle this. He has worked with me and understands me but he has withheld too much information and is unwilling to talk about it, that puts us both in the same positions as of the untrained, unskilled, heartbreakers, all of those who are too immature and scarred of facing their own insecurities to be a friend, or a professional, an adult or at least a creative free individual who can think and solve problems outside of the box.
When you have talked hard things out it is well worth it. The other side offers new strength value and insight you would not have otherwise had. Even if it doesn't go well or go as planned. There is more harm in leaving it a taboo; taking away the agency due to rigid conformity to rules that are not always correct.
I am a free thinker I suppose and I suppose in a world of conformity that is a lonely place to be.
I understand the need and value of conformity and I conform when needed and most often for the sake of others but to be able to think and discuss things openly and freely; it is a hidden treasure that is all to often buried and lost.
A conversation would be so helpful for me.
I am taking a clinic on the defensive cycles of communication. Doing what I can to become a better communicator because obviously I make mistakes but connecting with and understanding others is important to me.
... Now back on track to my original thoughts...
Head injuries cause problems. I am more sensitive to sleep and those basic healthy patterns of diet, exercise and sleep. I know this. It has been this was for a long time. But now it is even more so I feel. Though I am better. I can feel that I am better; my balance is better, I can write and communicate more effectively again, etc, I seem to be even more sensitive to those lifestyle patterns and stressors.
and right now it is a bit hard, sad and confusing because I once again have to figure out what to do with myself when I grow up. I love kids. I love working with kids but every time I substitute or if my class of snowboarders is to big I will have a head ache by 3:00 (or sooner) and then little to no reserves left to take care of my family, my house or myself. Often I will take a 30-45 minute nap and that will help but my mood stability is compromised at that point and I cry easy, I become impatient, I am forgetful and whatever else.
I am sad and confused about this because I once again have to figure out what to do with my life. How to move forward. I have to decide if I can or should even try to go back to teaching. Am I capable of it anymore? I likely could and find a balance, but I am not sure that it is worth it and honestly I am not sure how effective I would be... probably still a good teacher but I'd likely end up in trouble because I'd focus on the kids at the expense of all the political, grades, and paper work proofs they keep piling onto teachers. And no doubt I will end each day with a headache as I try to manage 30+ kids and all of their different learning styles at the same time everyday...
As I write this my internal tenacity is pushing back and a determination to try might be building... But...if I try and I find myself failing... I don't think that is a hit I can take. I'd sure like some good sound advice in this and other decisions I need to be making right now...
And likely the biggest problem form me right now is how screwed up my sleep cycle is after whatever weird reaction (manic-like) I had to being dropped by my therapist and then the time changes of Italy and back.
Thursday, January 3, 2019
Epiphany is that you?
"Maybe, I will really burn this down"
Burn bridges
f*#@ it up on purpose
maybe that is how I can feel like I have some control in my life
if I start intentionally messing things up..
Is that why people do some of the things they do?
a way to gain control when they feel like they have none
a way to gain power when they feel powerless
If everything feels so screwed up anyway
why not take control and start screwing it up intentionally
...before it screws you
aahhh...
this makes sense
I bet this is a common problem
I wonder how much I may have unconsciously done this myself already
"don't you worry about you f*#@ing things up, I've totally got it covered."
and I think I have had this epiphany before
just in a slightly different version
in what often feels like a king of the hill* culture. (*referring to the children's game where you try to knock the king off of the hill to become the king of the hill; become the strongest and the best by knocking others down)
humans are weird
and very fascinating
Burn bridges
f*#@ it up on purpose
maybe that is how I can feel like I have some control in my life
if I start intentionally messing things up..
Is that why people do some of the things they do?
a way to gain control when they feel like they have none
a way to gain power when they feel powerless
If everything feels so screwed up anyway
why not take control and start screwing it up intentionally
...before it screws you
aahhh...
this makes sense
I bet this is a common problem
I wonder how much I may have unconsciously done this myself already
"don't you worry about you f*#@ing things up, I've totally got it covered."
and I think I have had this epiphany before
just in a slightly different version
in what often feels like a king of the hill* culture. (*referring to the children's game where you try to knock the king off of the hill to become the king of the hill; become the strongest and the best by knocking others down)
humans are weird
and very fascinating
alone again
and so it's been decided
again and again
I'm best off
stuck right where I am
Fine.
I hate all you all
and at least that makes me laugh
here alone
again
confused again
unsure of which way to turn
because somehow
I fuck everything up
and I don't even like that word
not one bit
but seems to be my talent
Go me
right now
fucking it up
any chances that ever could have potentially existed
don't worry
I'll screw the shit out of it
Maybe I should be prostitute
this is so horrible of me to type and I know I "shouldn't" publish it especially since it is very much out of character for me. But that maybe exactly why it is making me laugh.
To hell with trying to be what I am not
I am just one fucking screw up that despises that word and (being fully honest here) has a tendency to be a bit "judgey" of the use and/or regular users of the word. It is not something I like the idea of at all. but at the same time
it is making me laugh as I am making an effort to get out of my "stuck"
Really
its bullshit
my stuck
is bullshit
I am stuck in the boxes that others place me in and I don't have any idea how to get out
After 40 years and I am here, maybe I am not capable of it?
Maybe I am just plain old bullshit and all the bad words I try to avoid and maybe I should embrace that
But I am supposed to be careful of the "shoulds"
but that was the golden mistake
so what the hell does that mean
what does it all mean?
Well, since its of no value where I thought it might be then
it is all just bullshit
so to hell with all ya all
and this is my angry profane rant that I have kept inside for so fucking long that it makes me laugh and cry at the same time!
I never swore when they warned my parents I might.
...And I will keep you away
I will keep you safe
from me
because I am just a fucking load of bullshit that somehow preserves others from the liability of myself by fucking things up beyond repair.
Go ME!
At least I am really good at fucking things up. so good that half the time people think I've done my job before I've even started. I can fuck things up before the fucking has even started! Now that is a skill!
I feel very proud of myself now.
I am competent and skilled and nobody even knows it. which must mean that I am humble too, right?
... there you have it
my talents revealed
good day
Where am I even going with this
If any humans in the real world actually happen to stumble across this and read this
I am sorry (though it does make me laugh in this moment and I kind of need that)
I need people much more than they need me.
and I am sorry for that
but at least I am good at preserving them by making a mess of things early on
I don't know how I feel about that
I am not even sure what I mean by that
It is likely one of those things that I am supposed to keep inside and not reveal that I feel about myself because it reflects poorly on me. I am supposed to somehow work through that on my own without talking about it until I am strong and on the other side of it. I have not had much success with that. Maybe I am the Ghostrider ...what a stupid movie. Yep, that about fits. Stupid, overly dramatic without being overly dramatic, bad acting, but actually kind of intelligent on some level...
How dumb
... um these might be negative thought processes and I don't allow self-deprecation by my kids or their friends.. so I am being a really bad example here.
For what purpose?
I don't know?
No, I do, for the purpose of illustrating the realities and to help me move out of my stuck... moving from thinking [counterproductive] to doing.
I am sorry if I have warped advice and instructions
but when we are prematurely left to our own devices and/or are not valued enough to be worked with, befriended, played with, or loved, then we often go awry.
Humans are weird
Why do we self sabotage?
I think I am good now.
Time to start my day
...again
"oh man, it's already 10,"
"I don't even care"
"Yes I do, I've gotten my writing out. I feel better. Now what can I do to be the strongest version of me today?"
again and again
I'm best off
stuck right where I am
Fine.
I hate all you all
and at least that makes me laugh
here alone
again
confused again
unsure of which way to turn
because somehow
I fuck everything up
and I don't even like that word
not one bit
but seems to be my talent
Go me
right now
fucking it up
any chances that ever could have potentially existed
don't worry
I'll screw the shit out of it
Maybe I should be prostitute
this is so horrible of me to type and I know I "shouldn't" publish it especially since it is very much out of character for me. But that maybe exactly why it is making me laugh.
To hell with trying to be what I am not
I am just one fucking screw up that despises that word and (being fully honest here) has a tendency to be a bit "judgey" of the use and/or regular users of the word. It is not something I like the idea of at all. but at the same time
it is making me laugh as I am making an effort to get out of my "stuck"
Really
its bullshit
my stuck
is bullshit
I am stuck in the boxes that others place me in and I don't have any idea how to get out
After 40 years and I am here, maybe I am not capable of it?
Maybe I am just plain old bullshit and all the bad words I try to avoid and maybe I should embrace that
But I am supposed to be careful of the "shoulds"
but that was the golden mistake
so what the hell does that mean
what does it all mean?
Well, since its of no value where I thought it might be then
it is all just bullshit
so to hell with all ya all
and this is my angry profane rant that I have kept inside for so fucking long that it makes me laugh and cry at the same time!
I never swore when they warned my parents I might.
...And I will keep you away
I will keep you safe
from me
because I am just a fucking load of bullshit that somehow preserves others from the liability of myself by fucking things up beyond repair.
Go ME!
At least I am really good at fucking things up. so good that half the time people think I've done my job before I've even started. I can fuck things up before the fucking has even started! Now that is a skill!
I feel very proud of myself now.
I am competent and skilled and nobody even knows it. which must mean that I am humble too, right?
... there you have it
my talents revealed
good day
Where am I even going with this
If any humans in the real world actually happen to stumble across this and read this
I am sorry (though it does make me laugh in this moment and I kind of need that)
I need people much more than they need me.
and I am sorry for that
but at least I am good at preserving them by making a mess of things early on
I don't know how I feel about that
I am not even sure what I mean by that
It is likely one of those things that I am supposed to keep inside and not reveal that I feel about myself because it reflects poorly on me. I am supposed to somehow work through that on my own without talking about it until I am strong and on the other side of it. I have not had much success with that. Maybe I am the Ghostrider ...what a stupid movie. Yep, that about fits. Stupid, overly dramatic without being overly dramatic, bad acting, but actually kind of intelligent on some level...
How dumb
... um these might be negative thought processes and I don't allow self-deprecation by my kids or their friends.. so I am being a really bad example here.
For what purpose?
I don't know?
No, I do, for the purpose of illustrating the realities and to help me move out of my stuck... moving from thinking [counterproductive] to doing.
I am sorry if I have warped advice and instructions
but when we are prematurely left to our own devices and/or are not valued enough to be worked with, befriended, played with, or loved, then we often go awry.
Humans are weird
Why do we self sabotage?
I think I am good now.
Time to start my day
...again
"oh man, it's already 10,"
"I don't even care"
"Yes I do, I've gotten my writing out. I feel better. Now what can I do to be the strongest version of me today?"
Wednesday, January 2, 2019
yesterday
Yesterday,
after starting the day off real low, I had a great day teaching snowboarding. I got to help a kid face his fears, taking him to the next level. He had a bit of a melt down. I had a good conversation with his dad and in the end I at least got to tell the boy that he did it. Nobody else. He made it down with the fear anxiety and all and that is something he can be very proud of.
I had other fantastic students as well. For a moment, before we switched her to her correct starting group I had a lovely 50+ year old lady with neuropathy who was just learning how to snowboard. She had been misplaced into my group because it had been assumed when she talked about going up a certain lift/hill the day before she had been in a lesson. She had not and she knew nothing about snowboarding so I had to level her down, which she was embarrassed about, but my thought, and I shared this with her, was how freaking awesome she was for having tried it on her own. Everybody assumed she had a lesson because that kind of bravery from a lady her age from a state with no snow is kind of unheard of.
I love this job because I get to meet really great people and I get to work with really great people, who are fun and open minded. They laugh easy and care. It pays lousy but the payoff is quite high.
It was crazy for me to be teaching concussed last year. I know this even more this year as my balance and brain are so much better and I am relieved to know I am a good snowboarder again and the mess of my brain last year has not taken that from me forever.
Snowboarding last year was "A bit reckless" some might say, but it was the home and comfort that I needed. The connection with nature and people that kept me going and kept me okay through a very hard time. It helped me heal.
I am grateful for the job. For my Neverland.
I am curious about my cycling right now.
But grateful that I have come so far.
This type of daily cycling used to be so much more painful and difficult and my self-talk was so hard to redirect, control, whatever.
I am still cycling. Today I am starting a bit low, with yet another lingering cold, but at least I get to work again. And all will be well again. I am grateful I have that confidence now.
after starting the day off real low, I had a great day teaching snowboarding. I got to help a kid face his fears, taking him to the next level. He had a bit of a melt down. I had a good conversation with his dad and in the end I at least got to tell the boy that he did it. Nobody else. He made it down with the fear anxiety and all and that is something he can be very proud of.
I had other fantastic students as well. For a moment, before we switched her to her correct starting group I had a lovely 50+ year old lady with neuropathy who was just learning how to snowboard. She had been misplaced into my group because it had been assumed when she talked about going up a certain lift/hill the day before she had been in a lesson. She had not and she knew nothing about snowboarding so I had to level her down, which she was embarrassed about, but my thought, and I shared this with her, was how freaking awesome she was for having tried it on her own. Everybody assumed she had a lesson because that kind of bravery from a lady her age from a state with no snow is kind of unheard of.
I love this job because I get to meet really great people and I get to work with really great people, who are fun and open minded. They laugh easy and care. It pays lousy but the payoff is quite high.
It was crazy for me to be teaching concussed last year. I know this even more this year as my balance and brain are so much better and I am relieved to know I am a good snowboarder again and the mess of my brain last year has not taken that from me forever.
Snowboarding last year was "A bit reckless" some might say, but it was the home and comfort that I needed. The connection with nature and people that kept me going and kept me okay through a very hard time. It helped me heal.
I am grateful for the job. For my Neverland.
I am curious about my cycling right now.
But grateful that I have come so far.
This type of daily cycling used to be so much more painful and difficult and my self-talk was so hard to redirect, control, whatever.
I am still cycling. Today I am starting a bit low, with yet another lingering cold, but at least I get to work again. And all will be well again. I am grateful I have that confidence now.
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
Rapid cycling
1/1/19 8:30pm
I used to wonder about a thing called "rapid cycling." The term seemed to fit me as I would find myself cycling between extreme highs and lows multiple times within a day or from day to day. But usually it was within the same day. I looked up what it meant but it turned out that what I was experiencing was not really what was defined as rapid cycling. From what I remember the term referred to bipolar types of mania/hypo-mania and depression cycles that would last for a few days to weeks per each up and down swing. Since it was not something that happened that rapidly and I was not "bipolar" I figured the medical/psychological defined term was not a condition or symptom that matched me. I am pretty sure I asked a doctor/psychiatrist/counselor about it also and by their definition it did not fit.
But the term rapid cycle in a different sense is very fitting. Today could be considered a "rapid cycle" day, though not quite the same as they way I would experience it years ago when I wondered about the term. I was not up and down all day and I did not have to work so hard to change somewhat crazy cyclical thinking patterns. Upon reflection now I wonder if my previous "rapid cycling" was just immature and unskilled fighting of negative/destructive and unhealthy thought processes. As I would try to fight my negative thoughts I'd upswing. Upswing as I tried to tell myself the positive or talk myself out of the negative. I would down swing as I realized the ridiculousness of positives. I was fighting myself. At least those are parts as I remember.
since my "normal" may be "too intense" who freaking knows
I used to wonder about a thing called "rapid cycling." The term seemed to fit me as I would find myself cycling between extreme highs and lows multiple times within a day or from day to day. But usually it was within the same day. I looked up what it meant but it turned out that what I was experiencing was not really what was defined as rapid cycling. From what I remember the term referred to bipolar types of mania/hypo-mania and depression cycles that would last for a few days to weeks per each up and down swing. Since it was not something that happened that rapidly and I was not "bipolar" I figured the medical/psychological defined term was not a condition or symptom that matched me. I am pretty sure I asked a doctor/psychiatrist/counselor about it also and by their definition it did not fit.
But the term rapid cycle in a different sense is very fitting. Today could be considered a "rapid cycle" day, though not quite the same as they way I would experience it years ago when I wondered about the term. I was not up and down all day and I did not have to work so hard to change somewhat crazy cyclical thinking patterns. Upon reflection now I wonder if my previous "rapid cycling" was just immature and unskilled fighting of negative/destructive and unhealthy thought processes. As I would try to fight my negative thoughts I'd upswing. Upswing as I tried to tell myself the positive or talk myself out of the negative. I would down swing as I realized the ridiculousness of positives. I was fighting myself. At least those are parts as I remember.
since my "normal" may be "too intense" who freaking knows
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