face to face

1/1/19 4:12 am
the travel back from Italy and time changes have our family so tired we came home and were in bed by 10 pm this New Years Eve. I have to work tomorrow too. Teaching snowboarding to preschoolers so I need the sleep. But now here I am awake again. unable sleep. This time it was the furnace that woke me but it is my predicament that is keeping me awake... too long awake, this time with tears... too many.. so I am trying the writing again.

I'm cycling through dangerous grounds now.
as my mind toys with the feelings of worthlessness and realizing how much of a burden I really am...
it's dangerous territory...
[should I post some no trespassing signs and stay out? or walk through it in order to face whatever creature is there?... the one that may be slowly and slyly wrapping its soft and familiar tentacles around me and pulling me in anyway]

Losing the one person in my life who seemed to have answers, seemed to know how to help me, and seemed to be able to care about me in ways I needed to be cared about is too harsh a blow right now and in my fatigue my mind keeps cycling back to things I've screwed up. I am aware that right now is a very easy time for me to cycle right back into old ways and negative thinking patterns and truly I don't want to so I am trying to stay out of the ruts... But my most trusted mentor that has been able to help me most effectively in getting out of those ruts wants nothing to do with me and I've lost him and I am supposed to keep pushing him out of my mind... somehow believing that I did nothing wrong.

...Obviously I did something wrong, or many things wrong. Where this mentor and mistaken friend is a licensed and trained therapist I am somehow supposed to be able to avoid self blame, but seriously, that is a ridiculous and ludicrous notion to believe that somehow it was all the therapist and not me that screwed up when I am obviously screwed up or I wouldn't have been there in the first place.
So this leads me into remembering that at one point I was able to find that empowering. Can I do that again? but the empowering fed a more severe reaction that likely screwed things up even more so is it best to avoid that?
I suppose what does it matter if it does lead to mania again, that would be nice to feel again... except without the heart pain. But I know better, I rarely come out of those episodes with out causing irreparable damage. It's not like in the movies, where people forgive and everyone is better for it, it is more, people are terrified of you for whatever reason and no longer want anything to do with you. Maybe they are not terrified at all but annoyed and needing to preserve themselves. I don't know what it is, because they don't/won't tell me and I am not on the other side. The most likely answer I have been given as of yet is that my pushing of boundaries makes people feel uncomfortable and/or angry.
Okay.
But why then do I also loose people when I am not in those crazy manic-like places? or am I there [or perceived there] more than I realize because I am more intense or extreme or whatever it is that I am?
Loosing people is a natural part of life?
that sucks
I hate that
And as abandoned as I feel why is it I want to do some abandoning myself?
I want to leave all that I have worked to build over the past 20 years. I had decided about a year ago that I was not going to think about leaving anymore because I had invested too much and my wavering mental commitment may be causing harm itself. But I am aware again and I am tired of feeling like a burden and I feel [again] so aware of how core values have been and continue to be compromised ... wondering if I am or have lost too much of me or if it is selfish to think that way at all especially since through it all I have also found and created new bits and pieces of me.
...it is a predicament.
I start with a new therapist tomorrow. and I'll try a different one next week... just to ensure "a good match." But I really don't want to find someone new at all. I like my old one, if that is all he can ever be for me... so its a predicament.
It hurts
and I guess thats life
but why does it have to be that way?
I am glad he has people looking out for him and "protecting" him but I am mad at those people too. I am mad at the ones he works with that will look out for him so completely at my expense. And maybe I am mad at him too for giving them all the credit and trust while I am left alone to figure this out all over again but now more complicated... I am not mad at him for looking out for himself just mad at the system for abandoning when they are supposed to be the ones to help people fix those issues, to protect... or at very least do no harm.**
and my anger only reinforces their fear of my being a liability, which I was not and am not.
...but I suppose I could become in order to live up to there expectations. (a topic I have found very fascinating, especially in the education world)
I don't think I will, but usually we don't know how we will react to life stressors until we are faced with them. Often we are very surprised by our feelings and reactions, and [like it or not] the expectations we put on each other can be a driving voodoo force.
You know this and I know that you do. "Please be careful with me... I am sensitive and I would like to stay that way"
To whom am I speaking to? Your guess is as good as mine
...but I do hope (and expect) that my awareness of it will keep me from becoming any kind of feared "liability."
I do wish more people would face their fears.
We are not so scary once we are faced.
Profoundly strengthening really. :)

Good night again morning.

**posted 7/11/20: At that point I felt like others were telling him how to handle me and that he needed to get rid of me. I felt as though some of the things he said and his good riddance email to me were likely influenced by those at his institution and/or flawed policies. I felt that some of the "tricks" he had tried with me were things he was told to do by others at his institution i.e. when he he looked at me and forcefully commanded me to, "stop emailing" him. He also had said things about how others needed him more, they had to turn people away, I didn't know the other side of things, and he questioned my "ability to pay." He had in a previous appointment also expressed some disappointment or disagreement with the expectations his institution had of him.

the circle of... life?... or is it madness

I am in a bit of an obsessive cycle, trying not to "solve this" while trying to solve this mess. Why did I break and why do I want so desperately to talk to my Dr. Perri Cherie? this may just turn into a very disjointed connected post but I'll let it be whatever it decides to be and whatever it turns itself into. I wasn't going to mention Dr. Cherie, I meant to focus on the repeats of patterns I am seeing as I have been reading through some previous posts.
I was going to come on here to say I think it is very likely that the head injury I suffered really is what has effected my mood stability so much. It took me a very long time to figure out how to stabilize my moods, how to utilize my neuroplasticity, and how to concurrently cope with the variety of other atypicals of my life, and over all I had reached a balance. It was maybe not the most healthy balance and there were definitely problems with the craftsmanship but I had at very least stabilized the major mood and insanity issues. Until I took another blow to the head.
It upset my stability. Knocked it out of balance again.
But this time, being older and wiser, having the luxury of a little more time on my hands, knowing the trials I had faced far too alone the first time and the major time, I was determined to put myself back to together with correctly guided professional help. So I sought out the best, which is more challenging than you realize when your brain is a mess and your emotions are out of whack. The very reason I needed good help are exact problems that make it challenging to find good help. But with some help, and exhausted determination (which means it takes more time) I found and continue to find good help. My vestibular therapist was amazing and I was seriously sad to leave her when it was time to be done. My chiropractor did such a good job with me and offered some emotional support so I likely stayed there too long but moved on easily, shutting that door when I realized this. But still they were the support I needed. I tried a few places that weren't a good fit. I had a few doctors that blew me off or just didn't want to be involved. Those likely contributed to my overlooking of symptoms, like my ankle that will actually require surgery if I ever hope to have it heal. Sometimes it was discouraging but I kept on looking as I knew I wasn't put back together right and I want to be. Along the way I was directed to not only a good psychologist but the best neuropsychologist in the area for head trauma related issues. Maybe I am bias, but I quickly saw how knowledgable he is and how good he really is at his job. He had the ability to help me; not only to help me put myself back together but to put myself together better then I had ever been. He was a dream come true, the reward to much effort, and the answer to many years of prayers. But something happened... I was too much and not enough at the same time. Too much crafted over too many years maybe, not enough obvious injury maybe? I am not sure. Yet I am sure I could ramble on and on about the endless possibilities and because I can do that I will likely hit on some truths along the way but I really would rather not. But something happened and I am not sure what or why.
So I am searching myself for answers and I am finding some repeat patterns. I am glad I have this forgotten blog to refer back to. It is helpful. Yet, I also know that I am very different. I have grown and matured a lot from some things I read while others I am still very much the same, but mostly I had become more of a balanced version of all of it, except that I maybe had lost a bit too much of my insanity. Or I had believed that I had. There are parts of me that I just need to embrace and accept better. I need to be okay with my perfectly imperfect self. Dr. Perri Cherie was teaching me that and how to, and constructively. Or at least that is what I thought. I was blocked and stubborn at times I am sure, but I also was protecting. Not me so much as him. I feel I am repeating myself now and am losing track of where I intended to go with my writing today... But I committed to letting it be whatever it turned out to be so if I am ruminating I suppose that is what needs to be, for a moment... And I will accept that so that I can move on. I am at times a slow processor but on that note, why would I be hard on myself for that when repetition and practice is how we learn? But repetition in the lonely brain is rumination and "counterproductive." Is it? Buddha says to question everything, and as one who often does I know that this can be exhausting and you then can become a black hole of knowledge. SO... This is why I crave talking to Perri Cherie so desperately. He had answers and he knew how to work with me and how to work me. Even if he was playing with me, I didn't mind because I like play and good things happen when we are allowed to play... But I never really thought or felt that he was playing with me in any way that was "inappropriate" or whatever and I still don't think it because I am "very intuitive" and I do sense those things... though I tend to be naive too, as I don't see myself as a threat or temptation to anyones moral integrity.
So I am really rambling and letting my thoughts work there way out. It feels neutral and safe inside of me at the moment so I will believe it is healthy. When I keep too much inside that is when things go off in unhealthy directions, when my head starts really getting screwed up, and when I really get stuck. So I will let this nonsense continue to flow and foolishly publish for the whole world to see because I know they won't anyway and I am allowed to be human, I am allowed to make mistakes, I am allowed to be me, and I am allowed to be free.
Dr. Perri is not allowed to be free and I am sad for him. I wish he would talk to me because I know he can still help me and I know that I could help him also. But that does not matter as I am allowed no influence there. That is a restriction that really bothers me. But it is. It is that restriction that seems to cause my brain to repeat some of the unhealthy patterns. But maybe it is that restriction that protects us both? I am open to that idea but I think it is wrong. It will take some convincing before I can believe it. I think it is wrong because it undermines me and the progress I have made. I think it is wrong because there are often exceptions to the rules and there are so many things that make this feel like an exception, but I don't like where my thoughts are going now, because it causes pain, so I will redirect.
hmmm... what were my original intentions. Oh yeah. Why did I break? Because I was already broken. because I was working so hard to hold broken pieces together when a lovely person who was also working to hold his broken pieces together bumped into me, or did I bump into him?.. I don't know, probably doesn't matter. But as broken pieces fell I think some of his broken pieces got mixed into mine as I tried to pick them up.
Poor man, he was so kind as he tried to help and to make sure I left with all my pieces, but in his startled rush he sent me off with some of his as well. I wonder if he realizes that he hasn't got all of his broken pieces now?
(This makes me laugh.
But still this story wants to keep going)
And though he tried to help me collect all of my pieces some of my pieces likely scattered into the nooks and crannies of his office where they are now lost from me forever.
His cleaning people will likely clean my pieces from his space and they will be out with the trash, forever forgotten by all but me.
I hope I will not need them. I feel like I do. But maybe I can put me back together with out them. Or maybe I will throw all my pieces out and start over.
I will not throw his pieces out though. I like the way they shine and I will keep them just in case he ever decides he needs/wants them back. It might be best to lock them out of sight and mind because I find their colors so mesmerizing and I wish to duplicate them when I cannot because I don't have the full formula. ...and as I think this I realize that because he does, he likely won't even need his pieces back... Oh what a lovely mystery he is. But I will keep them anyway, maybe to study and see if I can figure out the formula.
...But if I'd like to study them I suppose I will need to go to school and become a wizard myself and then I can pull these sorcerer's stones out when I have the correct wizarding guidance to study them; otherwise they may just cause me trouble.

...well now, that ended far more strangely than I expected. But it makes me laugh so there you go. I'll edit later... So who then am I posting for? I ask myself. I don't know, myself and anyone who cares to read me? why not just leave it unposted? umm.. because whats the fun in that? and besides the only way to truly fail is it never try, or to never put yourself out there in the first place.
and this is out there

Itally

12/13/18 12:32 am Italian time
Italy is a bit like me.
It is crowded, full of people and old ideas and new ideas.
It is new and scary but old and traditional.
It is full of roundabouts.
…So many roundabouts
It is plain but beautiful.
It has mountains of adventure and oceans of mystery.
It is fast moving but slow to evolve.
It's full of carefully crafted but not always intentionally crafted things
and naturally beautiful things.
It has passion and energy but feels calm and collected.
And all of this has to live cohesively in one small nation.

It is exciting to be here and scary at the same time but I feel calm and at home as I usually do when I love myself enough to let me be me.
It is hard to communicate but that is nothing new. People think and do things differently than I am used to but that is a reality for me no matter where I am. I am not afraid of the people here because I don’t understand them exactly and they don’t understand me.
It is easier here to see that for what it is.
It may cause some discomfort, and some people will not be open to helping or being friendly, but that is okay because it is hard. However with those who are friendly and do try to help it is so nice and such an awesome experience as we get to participate in humanity at it’s best:
Despite language barriers, cultural and even racial differences people can find a way to connect and share warmth and friendship with each other.
It is a beautiful thing and part of why I love to travel. While some parts are hard and intimidating -and sleep is definitely disrupted- it is such an incredible adventure that will open your heart and your mind to new and beautiful ways of being if you embrace it for all that it is and allow it to.
I love Italy already and I am very glad to be here.

It is the healing journey of independence after the one with friends that in many ways broke us.

I need to write this out, before we leave.
On Sept. 21st 2017, I was in a car accident. The timing was interesting, the scenario was interesting. But the most interesting part was being hit in the head by an airbag.
I remember seeing the lady that was about to crash into me much too late to do anything about it because my attention had been on a car that was moving faster than the others. That is where I felt a threat was coming from. but then oh, where the heck did that car come from. I still don't recall. I don't recall seeing her at the intersection. At least not communicating to me that she intended to go in a direction that threatened the safety of my crossing. But mostly I don't remember. As I saw her I knew "this is going to be bad" because I was gunning it in an Acura TL (they have awesome get up and go) and barely had time to get my foot halfway onto the break and I was fearing a side impact from the car that was coming at me faster then expected. Then every thing went black. Then I am stopped, by the other car and my face and arm hurt so bad and I am trying to understand where I am and what just happened. I see the other car I see my airbag, I hurt really bad, but I am okay. I am miraculously okay. I am shaking as I instinctively check to make sure we are out of harms way and I find my phone and dial 911. I am crying. Not a historical cry but a confused and disoriented crying. As I open the broken door and step out I feel so weird. Everything feels off and my right side feels taller than my left. I am limping but I don't know why because they only thing that really hurts is my face and my arm, and they hurt so bad I am sure that something is broken, I will lose teeth from it, and that I will be black and blue and look terrible for days. "Everything went black, but I did not go unconscious" I repeat to the police officer. I am an emotional mess. Disoriented and confused. the thread that had been holding my mental health together pulled out right down to the end.
I wish to report this beautifully and crafted with artistry but I lack time so I may skip and jump but there are important things here. I don't feel I have fully processed what happen and my Dr. Perri Cherrie (name changed to protect privacy) who understands this from the professional and psychological side, who could give me answers, is no longer available for me. We talked about this a little but I was slow to process and share and I likely have forgotten some of what I had shared.
But so many things I felt and experienced in the coming months were familiar. "I've been here before" "I've gone through this before" It made me realize how much the head injury from my youth had impacted me through my formidable teen years.
I remember feeling my brain rerouting as the sports medicine Dr. who works with concussions asked me questions. I remember black when he asked me to recall the words. I couldn't. With clues, I was able to retrieve them, but only because I had experience with this, I already knew tricks and there were times that my thoughts were even more clear, like how a person can walk on a broken leg or lift a car when there is danger and they must protect. I asked the first doctor I went to the day of the accident about concussion, I was confused disoriented and pathetic, and my head was my biggest concern I didn't want to lose any more brain power and stability. He pretty much blew me off and was more interested in my husbands thumb he had fixed the month before. He x-rayed my arm and shoulder and gave me eye drops, and said every thing looked good and that was they end of that. But even still my left wrist is weaker and will begin to shake if I hold it in certain positions or use it too much. It never did that before.
But my head was my biggest concern. The next day my husband texted his sister a picture of the car. She made comments back that hurt my feelings a bit but triggered an immature emotional reaction and feelings that I had worked through long ago. I had been brought back to an emotional place with my-sister-in-law that neither of us were in anymore. It took me a bit to realize it, and not before I am sure I did a bit of unintentional damage to the relationship first. "I've been here before."
I wrote as so much flooded back when Dr. Cherie caught me off guard with his expectation that I come in no more or at least not for a long time and only if I get "hung up" on something. In that writing I wrote about my 12 year old head injury and the mistakes that were made in my care and as I wrote I faced the feeling I have had but have not been able to express, the feeling that tells me that I didn't go completely unconscious in the car accident, because I had been there before, my body had learned and my instinct knew that I had to wake up quick because deep down inside I knew the only one looking out for me, the only one that could protect me, was me. I had to wake up, I had to be okay. That may have not been the best thing to do in terms of getting the help I need, but it is what is it and I may never know.
I will end here because I have to fly... Literally to Italy. No time to even edit but I'll do that later.

Where to Begin... Again and Again

Published elsewhere on 10/10/18

So I find myself going in some silly circles or something like that... actually it is more like starting down paths then shying away and ducking into the trees or an ally way to avoid seeing the people I have been walking with turn and walk away. ...And yet I am aware that for every person that has turned [their] back there is (likely), at least, one other that figured I had; and they gave up waiting for me as I hid in the trees or ally way fearful that their rest or deviation meant they were turning their back. It's silly, I know, but it is.

... there is so much more going into our actions then we ever fully know. It is so easy to make assumptions about other peoples actions but those assumptions are based on our own interpretations which our based on our experiences, not theirs. And it goes both ways.

Sometimes being aware can be difficult. I suppose that is why they say "ignorance is bliss."

Yet, while I could philosophically ramble on for ever -I'm sure-, I would like this rambling to help me work through, what seems to be, some mental blocks so I can get back on the track I feel so compelled to be on.

Writing often helps. and strangely enough, publishing these pointless ramblings also tends to help me. I think it is something like talking through your feelings, only I am talking them through with myself in a place that feels safe, people can take or leave it without me seeing their reactions and I can speak with that hope of actually hitting a cord with someone; reaching another person that relates and/or feels helped, inspired or enlightened in someway. The internet is interesting in that way, it connects us while taking us away from people. I think that is why we need to be especially careful with it... but that is a rambling for someone else or some other time.

Today I'd like to focus my work-through-it rambles on why it is so hard to start something that has so much potential, is needed, has been well received in conversations and could really help so many people? Why is it so difficult to get myself organized and my thoughts put down on paper? again, there are so many reasons for that... but one thing I feel that continues to trip me up is not my lack of confidence in myself but others lack of confidence in me. As I try to write, put things together, move forward, etc. I think of how I can prove what I am doing how I can help those people see that it is not me they need to have confidence in but the idea that they had very warmly and excitedly received. I think how I can change what I need to change about the idea, myself or whatever it is to improve both myself and the project I am passionate about. Because I value other people I have to acknowledge that there is a reason for their lack of confidence in me but the irony of this is this often leads me to hide in those trees or duck in those ally ways as I subconsciously try to protect the scars I feel are not fully healed ...and thus justify their lack of confidence further perpetuating my short comings. And I get stuck.

Partly because I don't actually know -and I know that I don't really know- where I, or the idea's of the project, went wrong. Then communication looks something like this: I am afraid to ask and in the event that I do people are often afraid to answer honestly and they either say "it's not you, it's me" or in one such event "it's all you." Obviously neither are entirely true, neither are very helpful from a professional stand point, and, I suppose, I am still short on professionalism because I am not entirely sure how to handle these situations and I do take it somewhat personally, even when I think I don't.

If I take me and my shortcomings out of the equation, or if I were my friend and not myself I might point out that we live in a culture where you are largely expected to be "self-made." Also people have been conditioned to stick with what is safe and avoid taking risks. I might also point out that people are so busy and they have so much going on, [which is part of/contributors to problems I am trying to solve] so I need to keep going and know that it is not personal. I might also point out to my friend self that some of the exact problems I am facing are part of why there is such a need for what I am trying to do.

So maybe it is okay to step back. to take a new approach and to start again knowing that this may be the time I get it right or it may not. but what matters most is that I know, in myself, what I am trying to do is true to what I value.

And I value people, whether or not I feel they value me, because, at least from my stuck, I have learned that my feelings may just be my perception of the truth

​...and even if it is someone else's truth (that I am of little value), that matters very little because, quite frankly, they are wrong. :)

Fires and flowers.

This is hard... I forgot to leave myself the 20% reserve today... I forgot or just had too much to do.

Over all it was an amazing day. I got to teach my daughters friend how to snowboard. I got to comfort her through a tear-filled melt down when she got frustrated with how hard it was and was putting too much pressure on herself to live up to her dad's percieved expectations. Then I even had the privilege of opening the door for a bonding moment with her dad by having a talk with him about what were realistic expectations in this new learning experience. Her dad was great. I was pleased with the outcome and that I had the privilege of being involved.

Then on my way out I somehow got talking with a coworker who opened up about some similar issues. She was intrigued by how I had embraced my insanity. I admitted to her that up until very recently I thought I didn't really have a laugh. My laugh had been missing for so long I thought I genuinely didn't have one. Not that I never laughed but it was just a silent inside kind of laugh that was easily missed. We talked about anxiety and we bonded and though I had plenty to get home for it was a very good place to be and it felt good to have that bonding moment and once again be thanked for my insight. There was plenty more in the day, but those were major highlights.

And then to top it all off we got to go to my parents for dinner...

But I had spent over 80% of my energy... well over,

and I started to unravel a bit, far too early into the evening and I found myself awkwardly fighting back tears for no apparent reason at all while passively participating in pleasantries with my husband and my parents.

How do I phase out what is reminding me to take care of myself? It is so hard sometimes. And it hurts. I am sure I will cycle through this a few times before I make it out okay

but tonight I am wondering why I reacted so extremely to the breakup my therapist said I should have seen coming. Why do I feel he was careless with me? I am so sad that I have to let him go and that I am no longer allowed to utilize him when I know he has answers and knowledge I am missing. When I know he can help if he would. I am so sad that he will not be my... anything.

I feel sorry for "overreacting" or what ever I did wrong to mess this up.

I am sure it is for the best if he says so and truly I don't want to be a complication or liability to him... ...but maybe I do. and maybe he is wrong.

It just doesn't feel fair.

and I don't feel up to grieving this lose right now.

But as my thoughts try to turn to my old ways of tough love and negative self take for being so pathetic, I am now consciously making the decision "ta not ta;" not to put myself down for feeling down and once again confused by this. So I will keep my pathetic self pity here in print and embrace that for what it is too... a sadness and grieving that I have every right to feel and even to express. I won't wallow in it and I'll get some sleep and get it turned around again, but I believe it is okay to feel the sad and to allow myself to hurt. And I think it is okay for me to be patient with myself. It is not easy to separate the fires... and it hurts, which is not terribly surprising since fire is hot and separating them will inevitably lead to a few burn scars.

"Your mind is a garden

Where you decide which ideas to grow

and which thoughts to weed out."

What to do when your therapist dumps you

This a snippet from my report of my own self discovery, I wrote it as an outward reflection in hopes of someday helping others if they ever find themselves in a similar situation.

I read a few articles that were extremely helpful for me, but there were very few, so I decided to publish this here as a way to pay it forward, to connect with my values today, and to honor both myself and my therapist I'd like to pass this info on sooner rather that later ...because I know how painful it can be and if I can help to relieve any suffering I am happy to. I'd like no one to go through these feelings alone, because you are not alone and you are loved more than you know.

6:56am
If your therapist dumps you and you liked them at all, even the smallest at all, then you need to realize that means they are at least good at wearing their mirrored therapist mask and it was you that you were seeing and liking. I hope that you can feel empowered by that. Now no sugar coating but; Yep, your screwed up, and yes, you have things to work on, But you have also seen a version of you that you can connect with, that you liked and that you can even love.

You liked you, not just your therapist.

You are worth liking and even loving. By accepting that part of you and all parts of you and then by choosing to be teachable, you can reach the best version of you; that version of you that you have hope of obtaining (I know you have that hope, and even the ability, or you would not have gone to therapy in the first place -and you would not be reading this at all).

No matter what reason he/she abandoned, rejected, or dumbed you it doesn’t really matter and no matter what he/she tells you, you will never be satisfied with their answer if you did not feel prepared for it, or if it caught you off guard.

But you can find comfort in knowing and trusting -if you liked them at all, even in the tiniest way- that:

1. you do like/love yourself and you can, - your even allowed to,

2. the therapist is good at their job even if they make mistakes, and

3. it proves two things;

a. you are worth loving and

b. your therapist has more faith in you than you know and they know you will be okay.

So choose to be okay and find a new therapist going in with an open heart and an open mind, agreeing to be teachable and knowing that you can change and you are on the right track, or that you can succeed, become a better you, be happy, manage your symptoms or whatever it is you are looking to get out of therapy. You can do it and you are worth it.