I don't have time to write right now but I want to. For whatever reason I had this post open on a screen; https://amicrazy2.blogspot.com/2019/09/superman-takes-kryptonite-for-his-sanity.html At that point in time my TBI still had not been accurately diagnosed. It was still being labeled as a concussion or mTBI (mild traumatic brain injury). This blog entry makes even more sense knowing the TBI was more than just a concussion, especially when you consider this comment "I could feel the black dead ends that used to be well traveled routes and then I could feel it rerouting; doing something different to arrive at the same place."
Fascinating.
Which brings me to what I really want to write out today. Yesterday I had a long late conversation with my daughter. Her planned breakup with her high school boyfriend is not going all that well. Even knowing if anyone could do it my daughter and her best-friend-boyfriend could, it's not all that surprising that it's not as easy as they had hoped it would be.
Unfortunately for the ex-boyfriend he is feeling more heartbroken... and because of it he is behaving rather strange.
As my daughter talks and tells me about all of the strangeness and how love triangles are turning into pentagons and hexagons etc. I can feel the pains of love and the confusion that accompanies it. "There are no right answers," I tell her as I fight back my own tears.
Memories return and feelings surge. Although they are significantly subdued they still manage to hurt as they push hydration up into my eyes.
My daughter is also dealing with other things -trying to come to terms with how her own brain functions and malfunctions. She is careful, thoughtful and wise beyond her years. Part of this she attributes to me and I am grateful I have been able to help her be better off than she would have been. The dimensions of our brains are fascinating and I enjoy talking to her about it. But it also stirs those memories and the devastation I still feel from not being allowed to explore what really was happening to my brain when I was manic and manifesting but managing so well that my professionals on the matter were missing and denying it.
It was so fascinating and I want to understand it from every angle. I want to discuss it and talk to those who were party to it in order to help progress the medical and psychological fields that address it. But I am refused that privilege and it feels so degrading and oppressive.
"Maybe someday," I say to myself as I struggle to refrain from attempting to reach out again in hopes that this time they'll listen and care...
We could help each other so much and so many others...and this is what hurts me the most. Then tying back to my conversation with my daughter I begin to wonder again as phrases start haunting again, was it simply just a matter of heartbreak and a man-boy not knowing how to handle the feelings he was having? Maybe.
Dear Dr. He,
Has enough time passed that you might be able to reconsider the terms of our interactions? Forever and never... Do you remember? I do. You don't believe in forever anymore - although I don't know what you meant- while I don't believe in never, my friend. And I wonder, is it possible that we might find a better balanced medium between the two -forever and never, that is?
By this I suppose I am really asking if you can you please reconsider your forever declarations of falling in love with me, declared by never having anything to do with me outside of therapy? I understand that it is unlikely you still feel this or have any feelings of fondness for me left at all and my rational logical brain has let you go as well. But the part of my heart you stole and the other part you implanted yourself in would benefit greatly from making amends. Maybe then I could sort you out and satisfy my soul that will forever keep trying to knock that door down in order to retrieve those pieces of me left behind. Maybe then you can explain and I can refrain and retract the warnings I feel obligated to provide others who could also be so easily and devastatingly broken by you. The potential for good is so significant here, please let me help you help me and you help me help you too.
You know how to find me, please do.
Sincerely,
Me
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