When I rolled the 300K mile Jetta with my kids in carseats in the back, I had a clairvoyant moment in which I understand completely the concept of faith, as the car floated over and landed softly topside down.
I crawled out the window of my car and with the help of a shaken passer by we retrieved my two children who were hanging upside down in their carseats. My daughter hung a bit longer than my son since she was retrieved second. I suspect that is why she had a slight red mark on her shoulder where the carseat belt held her securely upside down. Aside from that the only other injury between the three of us was a small cut on my left pointer finger.
That cut healed a little slower than expected, and left a rather bulging scar that was slightly tender, but it seemed to be all the way healed. Then months later a strange thing happened, a small shard of glass worked its way out of the old injury and the bulging scar. The bulk disappeared and now the scar is hard to find.
Injuries can be very interesting and it is fascinating how differently our bodies can respond to foreign objects that become embedded in them. Like slivers. You can get a tiny to large sliver from any number of things and they can range from unnoticeable to quite painful. Some have to be pulled out but others will actually work themselves out on their own. Sometimes the skin will heal over and the body will hardly care it is there while other times the tiniest sliver can quickly turn into a nasty infection. Some slivers, especially if it is from certain species of plants and/or animals can actually work their way deeper into your tissues, like porcupine quills. This is why we usually try to get the buggers out even if they are not bothering us in ways that cause pain.
Glass shards. They can be slivers and they can embed and do the same thing.
But what about the pieces and shards of people left in our hearts as they splinter and pull away from us?
What do you do about those? How do you remove those? Is it better to remove it or let it work is way out? Or will they work themselves deeper inward if ignored and left to their own devices? Which is more likely to destroy the tender heart of the person whose heart was pierced; pull the shards out or leave them be? Do we need to become like Ironman and develop some fancy sophisticated mechanism that keeps the potentially deadly shard from breaking our heart completely by keeping them from going either in or out?
... a few days ago I blogged out some of my anger and frustration. The name of Dr. He making its way out on this published blog again. He who should not be named.
Was it a mistake to name him? Could that cause me more harm? Could it harm him? Determined to quite believing in the ideals that may at times imbalance my ability and choices in acting, I chose again to leave that name up; an effort to stop protecting a person who may be causing similar harm to others...
...But a few shards of him are still left in my heart and since not all the pieces had worked themselves out something was activated... and I am again reminded of the good and ideals that I still want to believe...
What is this? What does it me? And what to do about it?
I think of my friend far away who understands the betraying countertransference creature... I am confident she would understand, better than any, my blogging of these last few days. And I reflect on the power I seem to be giving by renaming that which I want benign.
Some shards have worked themselves out and that progress I do not want to undo or reverse. But also some pieces of me I don't want to loose, so I decide it is a mistake and I unpublished his name.
Unnamed he is much more benign and so am I to his good works and positive potential that -in spite of it all, I still know that he has some. My hope that he might help more than he hurts.
Such a strange place to be... But it's also faith in me, that I might help more than I hurt as well.
He said he'll never have anything to do with me outside of therapy, and he doesn't believe in forever anymore. But I do believe in forever, and I don't believe in never -Now what is to be done about that?
I don't know.
but I do know that mistakes are often correctable and I am allowed to make them too.
However I'd like to remain the type of person that will try not to make them at the expense of others and I will correct them whenever I can.
It's a motto and a hope that others might live by those standards -so often proclaimed declarations of their professions. Declarations and professional standards that too often get swept under the rug and hidden with skeletons in closets that fill up too quickly with a lot of easily correctable and reversible mistakes. It's baggage that does not need to be denied, hidden and held onto by those to whom it does not belong. You need to understand that taking my baggage, hiding it, and lying about it does not lighten my load or yours at all. Even if you leave some of your own baggage with me.
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