To those we hate to have loved (and trusted).

"my life is very complex right now," says the man who was screwing with my brain when he was supposed to be my champion.

You have no f*@% idea.

that word is coming out...

Which means I am struggling more than I care to let on in realtime.

I am angry. I am tired of being treated with so little regard. I am tired of knowing too much and having to fight for the most minimal of fair treatment. I am tired of being ignored and unheard. I am tired of being expected to be what everyone else needs me to be. 

I am angry that people at Utah State University are being as stupid, disrespectful, bigoted as they are. I am shocked by the police chief, captain, and officers there. Shocked. I understand now why people want to defund the police. 

I am angry for injustices others have suffered. I want to scream until I am heard.

And those damned images just keep coming back, a symptom of rejection, and what society is feeding.

Trapped.

I feel trapped and I am so damn mad at Dr He. The creator of my demise. 

I have a million times changed my perspective and come at it all from different angles. I went to school with high hopes, faith, and the most confidence I could muster only to have it turn into the shit that it has.

Bad people. USU, Cache county, has a lot of bad people. 

too many...

I used to think that people were basically good... But now I know otherwise. They are corrupt, ignorant, unkind, deceitful, and lemming like. A witch hunt. A a band wagon. That is what they resort to, excited by the prospect of drama, but not real drama, only one families trauma, that they deep down know is safe to attack so they can pretend to be hero's by bullying... Utah State University, what a great school (that is sarcasm, in case you did not pick up on that). 

tired.

not broken...

but entirely broken.

hurt

angry

lonely,

sad

denied

rejected

reduced

I hate you Dr. He, because you made my life so much more complex than it needed to be and when it already was. Are you proud? of how you screwed up my brain, of how you had more control than I ever allowed you to have and in spite of my resistance? Are you happy to know that I still struggle to keep you out of my head and that piercing shards of you still remain in my heart? Or are you disappointed that I did not die for you and/or because of you?  

Dr. He, the most deceitful person I have ever let into my heart, Are you proud? 

I am more than you ever deserved and more than you will ever know. Someday you will cease to exist and I will no longer long or wish for resolve of the lies you told, planted and nourished. I will, someday, break free of this and your name will be as benign and obsolete as it is to the rest of the world... Some day...

and what a sad thing, your existence as obsolete, insignificant, and unimportant as you have made me to be. 

So Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas, Someday I will break free. 

and Same to you USU, the University of Bigotry 

 *7/25/21- update: Name changed... refer to blog entry from today 7/25/21