Yesterday

 "Love was such an easy game to play. Now I need a place to hide away."

Oh, do I believe in yesterday?

hmm. Yesterday. I was angry and posted it. Today I am angry and blurry. My brain is struggling to stay ahead of the negligent and intentional "inflictions of emotional distress." 

And the ringing in my ear keeps on nagging. Reminding me that I have permanent and lasting damage... reminding me that these struggles are further compounded by that... and the ringing keeps nagging

... but this time it is also a gentle reminder. A comforting ringing that reminds me that I am here, I am present, and I am STRONG enough to fight and keep fighting. 

Renee says I don't have to fight. And she is right. But she is also not quite right. I think I know and understand what she means, but it's still and truly a fight that I don't think it quite right to deny at this particular moment in time. 

Which I suppose is why I am here right now. Because I am choosing to fight it. Or maybe a more correct phrasing is to handle it; I am choosing to handle it. Not to ignore it, not to pretend, not to allow, not to suppress, and not to accept the oppression, bad treatment, dehumanizing, degrading, and violations of my rights.

Yesterday. I was mad and I named the name of he who should not be named because I do not wish to keep protecting him. It is a foolish thing to do considering he would have rather I died than admit he made a mistake. Or, again, he really was up to no good and there were no mistakes but intentional abuses of power, position, and influence. alas.. who cares, he's a schmuck and we know it. It is sad and I wish it to not be so and admittedly I still cling to the notion that it might not be true, but alas, that has done no good; so I leave the post up as evidence and testimony to my efforts to let go of those notions and words that the reality of actions have disproven.

still cares, more true than who cares, which is a part of me that is worth embracing. 

truth, justice, concern for others, forgiving, determined, intelligent...

I am on here now to turn myself around. Change my perspective again and let go of the darkness that is trying to pull me now, trying to destroy me again. 

It's pretty amazing how dark the world and people can be and how little regard they can hold for others. It's shocking to me... 

Still shocking. and sad. And I think that is how I would like to stay. I do not want to join their dark deprives and I will not let there bigotry destroy me.

Proud. I can be. I am allowed. Proud because I can pull myself out IN SPITE of the added challenges pulling me down.

To the grave.

I will not go. Not now, not yet, I have too much still left to do. 

Turning around is starting to work and I am feeling lighter, freer, and happier again. 

Now for an anecdote of gained understanding, empathy and compassion that I'd never have been able to understand otherwise: The discrimination I have faced is quite real and incredibly frustrating ESPECIALLY when it comes from the industry in which I perceive so much potential for good; that being the field of psychology. It has caused me to reflect on issues of racism and other forms of prejudice, bigotry and discrimination. I think of how blacks were not allowed to participate in sports just because they were black even though so many of them are so naturally and biologically athletically gifted. An area where they had so much potential and yet they were not allowed to participate, and dismissed, ignored, degraded and even vilified, when they tried... You have no idea, until you have lived it, just how demoralizing and dehumanizing, degrading, and how unequivocally unfair this really is... 

Then to be vilified for trying and criminalized when someone else tries to stand up and speak out for you and at times and without your knowledge of it even happening... We, as a society, a country, as individuals and institutions still have such a long way to go. 

So I fight. Not just for me but for all minorities and marginalized people. I will fight alone if I have to and harder when I need to. I will keep fighting; being the pain in the ass I am accused of being, until the asses quit sitting on people and crushing their hopes, dreams and potential for good in this world. It is quite demoralizing and dehumanizing to be sat on; so if you'd like your pains in the ass to stop being that then maybe you should sit your ass by our sides and try listening to the pains you are determined to squelch.