managed manic magnificence

I have a lot to say and probably not enough time or energy to say it all so it will be interesting to see what comes out. If you choose to read this please read to the end.
1st: My managed manic magnificence is a sight to behold and the privilege was lost on the man who lost objectivity. Stigmas and stereotypes, typicals and expected sometimes cause us to loose sight of what may be really happening. One thing I realized a long time ago is that very few people become the exception to the rule until they realize they are not the exception to the rule. Think of recovering and recovered alcoholics for an easy example of this.
I am the exception to many rules, but it is because I have recognized that I may not be and I have worked hard to manage and rationally consider what is happening with me and my emotions and thinking. I have utilized dual nature, likely more aware of my own because TBI can cause you to be things you are not and then feel terrible about, for example: angry.
Which brings me to another point; it is well known (or it should be) that often our greatest strengths can be our greatest weaknesses and vice versa. I hope for the day when people realize that this can be the case with so many issues that are listed and viewed as problems. ADHD, OCD, anxiety, even depression, can serve a purpose and if worked with and managed can be useful traits. They can be turned into strengths. Bipolar people have accomplished amazing things because of that strength. Managed mania can be quite magnificent; think Robin Williams.
BUT don't be fooled into thinking it is easy to manage; think Robin Williams. Just because a person makes it looks easy and natural does not mean it is and most certainly does not mean they are faking (you can't fake that and if a person can they have my applause).
At physical therapy today my physical therapist, who has seen me tear up far too many times, asked why that is. He commented that the emotions are raw and right at the surface. He is right, they are, but they are also down deep. This experience with TBI, Concussion Dr. and Dr. Cheri, Dr. P, Dr. He, (whatever I call him) has affected me at every level.
Every level.
I will stand up for myself here: I was exiled, not due to misbehavior or fault of mine, I was not out of line, rather I questioned, expected, trusted and did not follow the patterns of typical or followed patterns that suggested contrary to what I actually am or my intentions. I have been told, they won't listen, they won't admit any wrong doing, their first and foremost interest is in protecting themselves. Which is understandable yet maybe they have been irrational in how they are protecting themselves. How can you fix something if you will not change the mistake? It is classic wisdom that the continued cover up will only make things worse.
When my husband was a teen he hid a motorcycle injury -road rash on his arm. He tried to ignore it and tough it out. He was embarrassed and didn't want to deal with the hassle. Fortunately the doctor who was seeing him for something else caught sight of it when he did, because it had started to go gang green. The recovery at that point was very painful and much worse than it would have been had he just dealt with the embarrassment of his mistake in the first place.
What if it is the doctor who makes the mistake, misses the problem? I am being told by those in the industry that they are not supposed to admit it. WHAT??? How is this okay? All because some people are sue happy, they say. And somehow that is justification?
They won't listen to me with out a lawyer I am told, and truly they have proven this point, yet they don't want me to hire a lawyer and they will fight the lawyer with their bigger better funded lawyers, their power and dominance, and their PHD's and prestige so the result, I have been told, is inevitably me out a significant amount of money, time, energy and emotional wellbeing so that I would simply be heard, but disregarded with a bigger fight.
This is very wrong.
The ideal versus the reality are too far apart in this system.
AND please remember I was seeing a neuropsychologist, they are psychologist, and they have a psychology team at that facility. Isn't one of the main points of psychology to work things out rationally and in a safe and ethical environment? Isn't the goal to help people become self aware and learn how to work through issues through safe and effective communication? I guess one thing we learn in psychology is that we will not always be able to do that and we need to process and let go of those painful and damaging relationships where safe and effective communication is not possible, but wait, they are supposed to be the realm of possible that helps us process those relationships, so why am I not allowed that? Because I am a slower processor of new information? Because I was in a PTSD fog, that was starting to lift in a scary way? Because I believe in reciprocity and mistakenly cared for my therapist in that way? Because I have a deeper depth and complexity? Because I understand too well and not well enough?
Or because he found me attractive and lost objectivity? and for that I deserve a scarlet letter L (for Liability)?
Or is it because I am intelligent enough to bring them down and therefore a liability? Just because I can does not mean that I will
and here is where we get into a true abuse of power.
They know this.
They know from their testing and from my condition that I was vulnerable and my head has not been optimally functional. Dr. P also knows that I care about people. He knows that I will feel immense guilt for making life harder for someone else, especially if I care for them. I suspect, to some degree, he may be banking on it. He also knew -from the get go- that I did not have strong social or family support. He new that I have struggled with insecurity and feelings of rejection. He knew a whole lot that, coincidentally, also, on paper, would make me a prime target for manipulation and grooming.
He knows I won't want to report this. He knows I would want to believe what I felt and how he tried to build me up over how he may have been trying for some ulterior motive. He knew when he told me his life is very complex right now and that he needed to focus on his kids, I'd care about him and them. When he mentioned other patients needing him more than I do and that he has to turn patients away, he knew I would care about them also. He knew when he mentioned/implied women in his life were trying to hurt him, I'd pick up on it, care, and not want to be one of those women. He was mistaken if he thought I would pity him for the "very small" place he now lives in. I think small can be great. But he was right that it would resonate when he threw out the comments about having to give up on the dream of building a house and reprocessing his own childhood. ... and the farther away I am from the situation the more I question his honesty and sincerity or if these were just ways he knew me better than I realized and if they were straight up bold faced lies he was using to manipulate me to protect himself.
I thought I was immune to people like that, because of the situations I've seen people go through and situations I have suffered second hand from, but maybe I am not.
And maybe the question to "why me and why at this point in my life?" is answered easily by; this guy needed to be caught.
I hope not and I pray for him, but because I know what I know and I am who I am and they are expecting me to play by rules that have hurt me and caused serious harm, that is exactly why I will file that report with the state, and let them decide.
I don't want to. I have tried not to feel like that is needed. I have tried to handle this on my own. I have tried to work it out with them, but to no avail.
So why? Well frankly, I don't know, but I do know how this has effected me and my family and I know that I should not be the one taking all the fallout from this. It is not fair or inline with their rules that be left without the resources I need to best figure out what the extent of these injuries are.  I should not have lost the team I sought out specifically because they were the best advertised and licensed fit for my needs. Initially I thought the breaking of me due to being dropped by my therapist unexpectedly was still linked to TBI, possibly still car accident, but maybe it was more linked to psychological damage caused by abuses of powers and systems in which I have no say or control.
Maybe "why me and why then" because I need to speak out against whatever is happening there; Maybe me, because I actually will. Maybe the Yin and Yang that was almost visible in the intensity and insanity of that moment is wisdom to heed. Maybe the words that so instinctively came out of my mouth that I have had to process the meaning of are representative of the deeper happenings that my conscious mind couldn't face in those very intense moments. Maybe the magnificence of my mania is actually clarity. 
This situation is deep and profound, and yet maybe far too simple. I'll let the state decide and no longer take on the burden and guilt trying to, understand, help and/or fix the broken that was not me or mine.