Black holes and accountability

I feel angry with a lot of people today. I feel angry and hurt. I feel alone, even though I am not. I feel so many things and  I try to let myself feel them sometimes. Sometimes I try to avoid or ignore. Sometimes I try to distract and often I try to redirect.
I even try to numb occasionally. But it seems to me that numbing too often leads to some of the most unhealthy and destructive behaviors. Yet that statement includes a judgement and judging is bad, even though that label itself is also a judgement and down the rabbit hole of thinking I go.
Or is it a black hole?
Black holes are fascinating.
They are so powerful they suck everything in. They are literally pulling everything into themselves  turning them into absolutely nothing.
I think people who are truly "open minded" can turn into black holes. Open to everything, turning themselves into literally nothing.
But then again, we don't actually know what is on the other side of a black hole.
So away I go into my black hole.
Then I think it is time to sleep
again
too much sleeping
because that is a safe escape.
My safe place.
But something else I came here to mention, remember and process
My friend, who is a therapist, and works at a similar facility mentioned the kids he worked with complaining about him not trusting them. His story went something like this:
a kid will complain, "you don't even trust me" to which my friend (the therapist) will reply "of course I don't trust you. I don't even know if I can trust myself. I make mistakes too. And when I do you hold me accountable, which is what I am doing with you. So maybe that's what we do, hold each other accountable."
A "we are all in this together" kind of approach.
It's the gist of the conversation. Friend did a much better job at the story, but this is what I have to offer right now and my processing is slow and interrupted by my self pity and self deprecation I suppose...
still reinforced by the confirmations of abandonment from people who were supposed to be in this together with me.
I have to get over them
all of them.
But I am admittedly a bit stuck.
so redirect. attempt again. try to see the good in me.
Try to see what surrounds me. and try to find peace and beauty in every little moment.
try to believe I am worth my time.
Try to still have relationships and somehow figure out how to do that with out sabotaging. Without doing whatever it is I do to contribute to the reinforcing I suspect is always just around the corner.
Are somethings just too broken?
Not worth fixing
not worth holding accountable?
am I?
Judgement
time to stop
not productive
not helpful
good bye