1/4 of a clonazepam and quitting
A weight is lifting.
But I am not entirely quitting
and that is nice.
They want to keep me on
just as the academic advisor for the kids that are and will utilize it
and as a fill in if on occasions they need it.
If I am up to it.
I am.
And I am so glad to be valued
to not have to walk away completely from all the positives of the job.
I am glad I caught myself in time, in my shutting down, to quite them, or at least come to a workable place, before they quite me.
That would likely break me again even if I had shut down completely.
Instead, life is good in this moment.
Tired but good
and I am subtly happy
Wednesday, July 31, 2019
Shutting Down
The psychiatrist I found, and had I an appointment with, but not until the end of September, is moving to "something like New Zealand" says the lady on the phone, so we need to reschedule with the PA who does not have TBI experience.
Of all places to "something like" mention... This is where my ex-Pandora's-box-breaking neuropsychologist is from.
She says [lady on the phone] she will look into their other location and see what she can find, then call me back. She'll help me find the right person.
This sounds familiar...
Concussion doctor said she would help me find a new team only to: initially ignore my attempt to follow up and then -on the second attempt and after my husband called- have her assistant tell me she couldn't find anyone. But it doesn't end there. It was next followed by a termination letter letting me know I would no longer be treated at their facility for "prior undisclosed behavioral health issues."
...I have not heard back from the lady from the psychiatrist office.
So I am left trying to follow Concussion Doctors advice but with no resources to do so and no help from them.
I have actually had them suggested as the place to go.
daggers to my heart and do I really deserve this?
It'd be so much easier had I not been trying to manage mania, if I were symptom free currently.
But I am shutting down.
And with my job the writing is on the wall;
I need to quite ...before I get fired.
But this time the writing on the wall, I believe, is mainly coming from me.
I am not balanced and the insecurities that I currently have, the fragile place I am in, -that I thought I was coming out of, that I thought I was managing well and would improve with a consistent work schedule and a good job at a good place with good people- is too fragile still and I am not managing well.
My heart is broken and I feel so disappointed in myself.
...
Got to pull out, and I will.
but I'm pretty sure I need to quite before they quite me.
Of all places to "something like" mention... This is where my ex-Pandora's-box-breaking neuropsychologist is from.
She says [lady on the phone] she will look into their other location and see what she can find, then call me back. She'll help me find the right person.
This sounds familiar...
Concussion doctor said she would help me find a new team only to: initially ignore my attempt to follow up and then -on the second attempt and after my husband called- have her assistant tell me she couldn't find anyone. But it doesn't end there. It was next followed by a termination letter letting me know I would no longer be treated at their facility for "prior undisclosed behavioral health issues."
...I have not heard back from the lady from the psychiatrist office.
So I am left trying to follow Concussion Doctors advice but with no resources to do so and no help from them.
I have actually had them suggested as the place to go.
daggers to my heart and do I really deserve this?
It'd be so much easier had I not been trying to manage mania, if I were symptom free currently.
But I am shutting down.
And with my job the writing is on the wall;
I need to quite ...before I get fired.
But this time the writing on the wall, I believe, is mainly coming from me.
I am not balanced and the insecurities that I currently have, the fragile place I am in, -that I thought I was coming out of, that I thought I was managing well and would improve with a consistent work schedule and a good job at a good place with good people- is too fragile still and I am not managing well.
My heart is broken and I feel so disappointed in myself.
...
Got to pull out, and I will.
but I'm pretty sure I need to quite before they quite me.
Tuesday, July 30, 2019
the mess of me and processing
I meant to go running. I'm in the clothes and ready to go, all the way down to the shoes.
But I started painting instead. And as I paint I am thinking of all I have learned about myself and life through my recent painting practices and how it has helped me process and let go of things...
Then suddenly I have the pressing urge to write about it.
So the canvas and paint, and even the container of water, all still sit on the floor while I come on here to type it out.
I am embracing my crazy and accepting me for who or what I am in this moment. I have the time and the space to do that right now. In this moment and I am in a safe and comfortable space. so why fight it?
It is nice to have this space.
I am glad that I am safe and comfortable in this moment.
In the picture I am painting I see texture and color that is interesting to me, engaging, but still a bit uncomfortable in it's current form.
My paintings are messy
colorful and blended
rarely are their harsh bold straight lines
there are clear lines and boundaries but so often they are blended and integrated.
Integrating and combining so many colors and textures. I love the colors and textures.
So very often I paint sideways, at an angle.
So much of it doesn't make sense.
I blend colors that are not meant to be blended and I very often don't clean my brush before switching colors.
I am rarely trying to paint something specific. I just let what ever come out.
The brush may speak to me, and the colors. But nothing is very intentional. just playful, learning, exploring and curious.
I don't like a lot of what I am painting or I find it uncomfortable. I look at my creations often and think "that is really ugly" or "that was a mistake"
so I keep going.
Until it no longer looks like a mistake
or until it makes sense to me
or until I just feel done for the time being.
Occasionally something comes out rather quickly and the picture tells me it is done.
I am not always done at that point so then I paint something else or revisit a previously abandoned piece.
I am not a skilled or talented artist but I love and enjoy this process. I love and enjoy my work. I have even hung some on the walls.
and even though others may think I am odd or may not care for my art I am happy with it and
they make sense to me.
But I started painting instead. And as I paint I am thinking of all I have learned about myself and life through my recent painting practices and how it has helped me process and let go of things...
Then suddenly I have the pressing urge to write about it.
So the canvas and paint, and even the container of water, all still sit on the floor while I come on here to type it out.
I am embracing my crazy and accepting me for who or what I am in this moment. I have the time and the space to do that right now. In this moment and I am in a safe and comfortable space. so why fight it?
It is nice to have this space.
I am glad that I am safe and comfortable in this moment.
In the picture I am painting I see texture and color that is interesting to me, engaging, but still a bit uncomfortable in it's current form.
My paintings are messy
colorful and blended
rarely are their harsh bold straight lines
there are clear lines and boundaries but so often they are blended and integrated.
Integrating and combining so many colors and textures. I love the colors and textures.
So very often I paint sideways, at an angle.
So much of it doesn't make sense.
I blend colors that are not meant to be blended and I very often don't clean my brush before switching colors.
I am rarely trying to paint something specific. I just let what ever come out.
The brush may speak to me, and the colors. But nothing is very intentional. just playful, learning, exploring and curious.
I don't like a lot of what I am painting or I find it uncomfortable. I look at my creations often and think "that is really ugly" or "that was a mistake"
so I keep going.
Until it no longer looks like a mistake
or until it makes sense to me
or until I just feel done for the time being.
Occasionally something comes out rather quickly and the picture tells me it is done.
I am not always done at that point so then I paint something else or revisit a previously abandoned piece.
I am not a skilled or talented artist but I love and enjoy this process. I love and enjoy my work. I have even hung some on the walls.
and even though others may think I am odd or may not care for my art I am happy with it and
they make sense to me.
 |
| A picture that told me when it was complete. The harsh straight lines are not my work but rather cracks in the wood that is its canvas. |
Monday, July 29, 2019
The problem is Italy
December 3, 2018 7:45am. The appointment was scheduled for 7:30.
"I'm surprised to see you" he says
"The problem is Italy" I say "I am supposed to take my kids in a week and I need to make sure that I am stable. I need to make sure I am okay."
"I meant everything that I said" he said.
"We agreed to a clean break" he says
"There is no such thing as a clean break from my side of this" I say and I know that so many of the things he said were neither confirmed nor denied but rather implied, so how do I know what he really meant? It was open to interpretation and I was not in my right mind. That much I knew. Which meant that my interpretation was not likely accurate.
The rest of that day, that conversation was me fighting for me and trying to understand but also be okay enough to take my kids to Italy in a week. It would be just me and them for the first 10 days, I needed to be okay, which meant I couldn't hear the things that started to hurt too much... and maybe I was protecting him, fighting for him too. I couldn't let him say and/or I couldn't hear what could get him most in trouble.
But Dr. Cheri was not interested in my best interest; he was most concerned about himself. Protecting himself, no matter the cost to me. At least that is how I feel now. It was obvious then that he had lost objectivity and that something had gone amiss but I did not realize just how unconcerned he was with my wellbeing and how willing he was to sacrifice me to protect himself; a false assumption on his part, likely fed and/or guided by ill founded rules, policies and procedures that he felt obligated to follow or that he knew he could utilize to cover his ass.
In waking up, these realizations are hard hitting and difficult to maneuver. Yet I am supposed to, alone and branded. That is one thing. And I think I can, think I am, just to be hit again and again, by symptoms, by realizations, by psychology, by relationships, and by reality.
And now these are coming in the mail. A reminder that I was not okay. I was not as responsible and my mind was... something else... while in Italy. I had forgotten about their driving rules and the typical time that would have been spent preparing and researching was spent trying to stabilize and understand what was happening to my head and my heart and why I was behaving like I was manic.
I needed help.
and I asked for it.
I begged for it.
I was turned away
in the most heartfelt and yet heartless way.
How is that even possible?
I don't know, but it sure as hell hurts again.
And the gold that he left me came at far too high a price. Maybe I would opt to give it back if I could.
...I want you out of my heart.
You are costing me so much
and you are tearing it apart,
even still.
"I'm surprised to see you" he says
"The problem is Italy" I say "I am supposed to take my kids in a week and I need to make sure that I am stable. I need to make sure I am okay."
"I meant everything that I said" he said.
"We agreed to a clean break" he says
"There is no such thing as a clean break from my side of this" I say and I know that so many of the things he said were neither confirmed nor denied but rather implied, so how do I know what he really meant? It was open to interpretation and I was not in my right mind. That much I knew. Which meant that my interpretation was not likely accurate.
The rest of that day, that conversation was me fighting for me and trying to understand but also be okay enough to take my kids to Italy in a week. It would be just me and them for the first 10 days, I needed to be okay, which meant I couldn't hear the things that started to hurt too much... and maybe I was protecting him, fighting for him too. I couldn't let him say and/or I couldn't hear what could get him most in trouble.
But Dr. Cheri was not interested in my best interest; he was most concerned about himself. Protecting himself, no matter the cost to me. At least that is how I feel now. It was obvious then that he had lost objectivity and that something had gone amiss but I did not realize just how unconcerned he was with my wellbeing and how willing he was to sacrifice me to protect himself; a false assumption on his part, likely fed and/or guided by ill founded rules, policies and procedures that he felt obligated to follow or that he knew he could utilize to cover his ass.
In waking up, these realizations are hard hitting and difficult to maneuver. Yet I am supposed to, alone and branded. That is one thing. And I think I can, think I am, just to be hit again and again, by symptoms, by realizations, by psychology, by relationships, and by reality.
And now these are coming in the mail. A reminder that I was not okay. I was not as responsible and my mind was... something else... while in Italy. I had forgotten about their driving rules and the typical time that would have been spent preparing and researching was spent trying to stabilize and understand what was happening to my head and my heart and why I was behaving like I was manic.
I needed help.
and I asked for it.
I begged for it.
I was turned away
in the most heartfelt and yet heartless way.
How is that even possible?
I don't know, but it sure as hell hurts again.
And the gold that he left me came at far too high a price. Maybe I would opt to give it back if I could.
...I want you out of my heart.
You are costing me so much
and you are tearing it apart,
even still.
Tuesday, July 23, 2019
Indulgence
I have many thoughts. a lot of the time. and my old therapist, who broke me, and then was a total jerk about it, and even had me exiled from the very place and help I needed, who may have been manipulating me, who definitely took advantage of my caring, and who let me know in the most solid way I am not worth his time or energy, but whom I oddly still care about and strangely trust on some level told me to balance my thinking with doing. That is not exactly how he said it and in fact a friend that I briefly had, may deserve to be credited more, so in this silly over processing moment I hope I can see a way to redirect my thoughts from terrible beloved old therapist to other places and other sources so that my heart can more completely heal from the hole that he left in it when he said I could keep him there and then took himself away before finishing the work I had paid him for.
Which actually transitions right into the real reason I came to write today.
Indulgence
I am learning a lot still about therapy and therapeutic relationships and I am sure it is not terribly surprising that I am skeptical and not too trusting of the whole industry right now. As part of training for my job the therapist that I now work for had me listen to some podcasts. As I am listening, trying to learn for the sake of doing my job I am so bitterly reminded of the mess I am coming from and it is a bit of a challenge. They were good and informative podcasts, but I also see some problems.
One of the issues I have is this sense of safety, security, acceptance, non judgment etc, that a person is supposed to get from therapy. It is supposed to be there safe place where they can confess all of themselves and become their true self, with the loving nurturing acceptance of the therapist. The crap their parents screwed up on and their parents parents screwed up on, that they all didn't really screw up on because they also need this divine therapeutic acceptance... So nobody is really at fault as long as we are working to achieve self and get in touch with our own truth... with a therapist of course. That part is crucial, you know. we need their acceptance.
and there is something to this
yet there is some crossover her and even some hypocrisy
and lets not forget
$
It all comes at a price. You get the acceptance and non judgement, but only for a price.
Are you following?
It is beginning to feel something like the indulgences of the Middle Ages
Yet I am going still, to therapists. Is this an indulgence for penance? Will I break another therapist?
Will I ruin more relationships with my questioning of this industry and it's integrity?
You tell me.
I think the balance is tricky
Am I paying for healing
or is this indulgence?
...If I keep you in the shards of my broken heart you are not likely to come out unscathed.
Which actually transitions right into the real reason I came to write today.
Indulgence
I am learning a lot still about therapy and therapeutic relationships and I am sure it is not terribly surprising that I am skeptical and not too trusting of the whole industry right now. As part of training for my job the therapist that I now work for had me listen to some podcasts. As I am listening, trying to learn for the sake of doing my job I am so bitterly reminded of the mess I am coming from and it is a bit of a challenge. They were good and informative podcasts, but I also see some problems.
One of the issues I have is this sense of safety, security, acceptance, non judgment etc, that a person is supposed to get from therapy. It is supposed to be there safe place where they can confess all of themselves and become their true self, with the loving nurturing acceptance of the therapist. The crap their parents screwed up on and their parents parents screwed up on, that they all didn't really screw up on because they also need this divine therapeutic acceptance... So nobody is really at fault as long as we are working to achieve self and get in touch with our own truth... with a therapist of course. That part is crucial, you know. we need their acceptance.
and there is something to this
yet there is some crossover her and even some hypocrisy
and lets not forget
$
It all comes at a price. You get the acceptance and non judgement, but only for a price.
Are you following?
It is beginning to feel something like the indulgences of the Middle Ages
Yet I am going still, to therapists. Is this an indulgence for penance? Will I break another therapist?
Will I ruin more relationships with my questioning of this industry and it's integrity?
You tell me.
I think the balance is tricky
Am I paying for healing
or is this indulgence?
...If I keep you in the shards of my broken heart you are not likely to come out unscathed.
Monday, July 22, 2019
keeping my head above...
Very occasionally this blog gets read. I don't really know by who or why, But I will say it is just enough to keep me going at times.
I am struggling.
The only thing keeping me here, physically here, today is my kids.
I don't want to screw them up
I don't want them to believe that they weren't enough.
and I don't really feel like writing anything else. Which is why I am. I don't think my feelings can be especially trusted right now. so I'll write and see what comes out
Sleep is my safe place.
and that is what I want to do again
I am mad at my family.
I am hurt and I feel isolated and alone.
I feel like the more I try the worse I make things
I give up
too much
I try to numb with tv and stupid games on phones
Kids do that to
too much.
Control is an illusion
we have none.
And yet so very much
I think I'll go run now because that is at least something I can do that will help me in some way.
While it also breaks me apart at the knees.
Building bones while breaking me down.
But I learned, I think from my physical therapist, that hard core female athletes have the bones of 70 year olds because their bones are reabsorbing the calcium, but exercise and weight bearing exercises also build bones.
Balance can be so tricky.
good night again
I am struggling.
The only thing keeping me here, physically here, today is my kids.
I don't want to screw them up
I don't want them to believe that they weren't enough.
and I don't really feel like writing anything else. Which is why I am. I don't think my feelings can be especially trusted right now. so I'll write and see what comes out
Sleep is my safe place.
and that is what I want to do again
I am mad at my family.
I am hurt and I feel isolated and alone.
I feel like the more I try the worse I make things
I give up
too much
I try to numb with tv and stupid games on phones
Kids do that to
too much.
Control is an illusion
we have none.
And yet so very much
I think I'll go run now because that is at least something I can do that will help me in some way.
While it also breaks me apart at the knees.
Building bones while breaking me down.
But I learned, I think from my physical therapist, that hard core female athletes have the bones of 70 year olds because their bones are reabsorbing the calcium, but exercise and weight bearing exercises also build bones.
Balance can be so tricky.
good night again
Saturday, July 20, 2019
Black holes and accountability
I feel angry with a lot of people today. I feel angry and hurt. I feel alone, even though I am not. I feel so many things and I try to let myself feel them sometimes. Sometimes I try to avoid or ignore. Sometimes I try to distract and often I try to redirect.
I even try to numb occasionally. But it seems to me that numbing too often leads to some of the most unhealthy and destructive behaviors. Yet that statement includes a judgement and judging is bad, even though that label itself is also a judgement and down the rabbit hole of thinking I go.
Or is it a black hole?
Black holes are fascinating.
They are so powerful they suck everything in. They are literally pulling everything into themselves turning them into absolutely nothing.
I think people who are truly "open minded" can turn into black holes. Open to everything, turning themselves into literally nothing.
But then again, we don't actually know what is on the other side of a black hole.
So away I go into my black hole.
Then I think it is time to sleep
again
too much sleeping
because that is a safe escape.
My safe place.
But something else I came here to mention, remember and process
My friend, who is a therapist, and works at a similar facility mentioned the kids he worked with complaining about him not trusting them. His story went something like this:
a kid will complain, "you don't even trust me" to which my friend (the therapist) will reply "of course I don't trust you. I don't even know if I can trust myself. I make mistakes too. And when I do you hold me accountable, which is what I am doing with you. So maybe that's what we do, hold each other accountable."
A "we are all in this together" kind of approach.
It's the gist of the conversation. Friend did a much better job at the story, but this is what I have to offer right now and my processing is slow and interrupted by my self pity and self deprecation I suppose...
still reinforced by the confirmations of abandonment from people who were supposed to be in this together with me.
I have to get over them
all of them.
But I am admittedly a bit stuck.
so redirect. attempt again. try to see the good in me.
Try to see what surrounds me. and try to find peace and beauty in every little moment.
try to believe I am worth my time.
Try to still have relationships and somehow figure out how to do that with out sabotaging. Without doing whatever it is I do to contribute to the reinforcing I suspect is always just around the corner.
Are somethings just too broken?
Not worth fixing
not worth holding accountable?
am I?
Judgement
time to stop
not productive
not helpful
good bye
I even try to numb occasionally. But it seems to me that numbing too often leads to some of the most unhealthy and destructive behaviors. Yet that statement includes a judgement and judging is bad, even though that label itself is also a judgement and down the rabbit hole of thinking I go.
Or is it a black hole?
Black holes are fascinating.
They are so powerful they suck everything in. They are literally pulling everything into themselves turning them into absolutely nothing.
I think people who are truly "open minded" can turn into black holes. Open to everything, turning themselves into literally nothing.
But then again, we don't actually know what is on the other side of a black hole.
So away I go into my black hole.
Then I think it is time to sleep
again
too much sleeping
because that is a safe escape.
My safe place.
But something else I came here to mention, remember and process
My friend, who is a therapist, and works at a similar facility mentioned the kids he worked with complaining about him not trusting them. His story went something like this:
a kid will complain, "you don't even trust me" to which my friend (the therapist) will reply "of course I don't trust you. I don't even know if I can trust myself. I make mistakes too. And when I do you hold me accountable, which is what I am doing with you. So maybe that's what we do, hold each other accountable."
A "we are all in this together" kind of approach.
It's the gist of the conversation. Friend did a much better job at the story, but this is what I have to offer right now and my processing is slow and interrupted by my self pity and self deprecation I suppose...
still reinforced by the confirmations of abandonment from people who were supposed to be in this together with me.
I have to get over them
all of them.
But I am admittedly a bit stuck.
so redirect. attempt again. try to see the good in me.
Try to see what surrounds me. and try to find peace and beauty in every little moment.
try to believe I am worth my time.
Try to still have relationships and somehow figure out how to do that with out sabotaging. Without doing whatever it is I do to contribute to the reinforcing I suspect is always just around the corner.
Are somethings just too broken?
Not worth fixing
not worth holding accountable?
am I?
Judgement
time to stop
not productive
not helpful
good bye
Friday, July 19, 2019
A Void; the Treachery
Avoidance;
my treacherous friend
you lull me into a comfortable secure place
but it is false
a lie.
I am not secure and you will come back to bite
harder and much more viciously
than if I had I faced the discomfort early on.
So avoidance
how do I avoid you?
-Assessing-:
Wisdom in waiting
letting it play out -Seeing how things play out
patience
ignoring bad behavior
Or is it the treacherous familiar friend Avoidance?
Ever analyzing
never sleeping
(not entirely true -though sometimes it feels that way.
and feelings are funny, because they can seem so real even though they are not always entirely true... or is it real?
Feelings, you funny fantastic fantasy...
that dictates so much of me)
my treacherous friend
you lull me into a comfortable secure place
but it is false
a lie.
I am not secure and you will come back to bite
harder and much more viciously
than if I had I faced the discomfort early on.
So avoidance
how do I avoid you?
-Assessing-:
Wisdom in waiting
letting it play out -Seeing how things play out
patience
ignoring bad behavior
Or is it the treacherous familiar friend Avoidance?
Ever analyzing
never sleeping
(not entirely true -though sometimes it feels that way.
and feelings are funny, because they can seem so real even though they are not always entirely true... or is it real?
Feelings, you funny fantastic fantasy...
that dictates so much of me)
Monday, July 15, 2019
the bottom
I am blogging from work.
a thorn in the side
of the girls who want a pecking order.
Low man on the totem pole, is holding you up
peck too hard and he'll let you go
you'll blame him for failing to hold you up
though it was you that chopped him out
a thorn in the side
of the girls who want a pecking order.
Low man on the totem pole, is holding you up
peck too hard and he'll let you go
you'll blame him for failing to hold you up
though it was you that chopped him out
Saturday, July 13, 2019
Title
I'm tired of the tired and I'm tired of the headache
and I am losing hope that this may change.
Is this my new norm? Is this the fantasy?
Easy come easy go
Galileo Figuro
Nonsense
that is what I am thank you very much
and you are too.
This realm of the unknown that I post to
for no real reason
just to appease the voices in my head that are now telling me it would be wise to go to bed
Good night world
good night mystery of the internet
and me
and I am losing hope that this may change.
Is this my new norm? Is this the fantasy?
Easy come easy go
Galileo Figuro
Nonsense
that is what I am thank you very much
and you are too.
This realm of the unknown that I post to
for no real reason
just to appease the voices in my head that are now telling me it would be wise to go to bed
Good night world
good night mystery of the internet
and me
Thursday, July 11, 2019
My Boxing Boy
My son started boxing yesterday. He was excited to get to hit the bag today. He admitted that he'd imagine whom he referred to as "he who shall not be named" when he started getting tired and then he'd hit harder and "it felt good" he said. I asked who exactly that was. He said, "you know, the man who has caused our family so much pain recently." (Dr. Cheri)
I'm fighting back tears now. I am sad this is what he has become. The doctor of psychology who could have and should have been a name that represented healing and a new me discovered through the understanding of the old me that for years had been broken and re-broken by TBI. His name, I once thought, would be held in high regard by myself and my family... But the healing was disrupted by the blindside that led to the downslide and feelings confide that couldn't hide but then being denied to abide
with the system that is upside
down
... at least that little rhyming game was fun in my head as I hid the tears and let my kids express their anger and dislike. They don't want me to defend him or to blame myself. It's not me, they say, it's he, and the system.
They were supposed to help but instead they shut out and hurt, to protect themselves at my expense
which was not just my expense
but my kids' as well.
These two teens notice me and they value me.
That is what they need me to hear. That is what I need to respect ...so I don't defend. I listen and I fight the tears well this time, just for them.
I'm fighting back tears now. I am sad this is what he has become. The doctor of psychology who could have and should have been a name that represented healing and a new me discovered through the understanding of the old me that for years had been broken and re-broken by TBI. His name, I once thought, would be held in high regard by myself and my family... But the healing was disrupted by the blindside that led to the downslide and feelings confide that couldn't hide but then being denied to abide
with the system that is upside
down
... at least that little rhyming game was fun in my head as I hid the tears and let my kids express their anger and dislike. They don't want me to defend him or to blame myself. It's not me, they say, it's he, and the system.
They were supposed to help but instead they shut out and hurt, to protect themselves at my expense
which was not just my expense
but my kids' as well.
These two teens notice me and they value me.
That is what they need me to hear. That is what I need to respect ...so I don't defend. I listen and I fight the tears well this time, just for them.
Procrastinating the Passing of the Burden
Today, this song means a lot: "Tiny Victories" Christina Perri
but mostly
I'm procrastinating.
Why?
I think "wait to talk with knew neuropsychologist," "sitting with it"
Listening to others is wise and respectful. Especially when they have the professional experience, education and training.
...Yet, it's also why I'm in this psychological thriller of a mess.
Balance can be very difficult at times.
-My right leg is not very balanced still. I feel it when I try to balance on it for exercises at physical therapy. Apparently that is the peroneal tendon's main job, so it makes sense.-
Emotionally, am I balanced?
I am procrastinating, deviating and avoiding.
But it still wakes me up at night and makes me tearful and tired in the day.
It hurts my heart. Figuratively now, not physically, but it hurts enough to make me cry.
Why?
Because I love that guy
I'll be honest.
and also I love the guy who kisses me and tells me he loves me every morning before he goes to work. Even when I am still in bed. Even when I am still sleeping.
I love this man who I live with, that has neglected me plenty, but is here, when I need someone most. When I need love most. He is trying. More than he ever has.
Yet I procrastinate the final and complete severing of the fantasy of the other man, the one who loved me but used me, the one who couldn't be what I needed him to be, my neuropsychologist and therapist or, at very least, real and honest.
And I hurt for my husband, but I still procrastinate...
What I felt was so very real and powerful to me, and that part is fed by refusal to confront the reality of what it may have been: simply fantasy, a perfect storm, mistakes, and/or a manic and broken mind fed.
I do well with talking things out. I do well with honesty. I do not do well with coverups and I am maybe tired of sacrificing my needs to protect others. In this situation, I was not given a choice. At first it felt as though I was, but it was manipulation and their self preservation. I was not given a compromise. It was his way AND the highway.
You would think that would be enough, to kill what I feel, but it adds to me the confusion of pity for him and for me.
And it's effecting me, in all aspects, even though I don't let it, it still is.
I'm tied to this.
I say "this would be so much easier to forget and get over if I had no lingering TBI symptoms. If I didn't still need their medical experience and expertise." I say this because it is the sad truth and my reality ...that I wish to deny and avoid often.
It breaks my heart and I don't know who to turn to because they have been managing this for me, they are supposed to be the ones I can turn to for answers. They were supposed to be my safe place, my care.
Lost faith in the medical industry, faith that was already shaky at best, but I was at least willing to trust, those in power, those in authority. ...
God.
That is the only place left to turn
but He was talking to me in the midst of this, so now, what do I do with that?
It's a predicament to be in
and I am struggling to keep my head above water... I know this because the water is still bailing out through my eyes so regularly and so frequently.
And he, who may have caused this or at least abandoned me in this, he is immune.
And strangely that brings me some comfort. There can be comfort in that, if I really do care for him. I suppose that is okay.
But is it? If he is employed to be the cure?
Or am I sacrificing my needs for what I don't understand and for what may actually be hurting others as well? Cyclical thinking.
A trap.
And how do I get out now?
pass the burden on to those whose job it is to handle that.
...I see my husbands face kissing me in the morning. I hear the echo of his voice from months ago, sweetly and sincerely telling me he knows there might be someone better suited for me and he would love to see me have that... yet, as he sits with it for a moment, he follows his comment with "but I think I might be too selfish." He doesn't want to loose me. I am worth his time and investment.
And he is worth mine.
...And this realization may have been the very thing that broke my neuropsychologist. Maybe that is the basic truth to all of this.
So -full of gratitude and sorrow- I procrastinate the passing of this burden on to those whose job it is to decipher.
but mostly
I'm procrastinating.
Why?
I think "wait to talk with knew neuropsychologist," "sitting with it"
Listening to others is wise and respectful. Especially when they have the professional experience, education and training.
...Yet, it's also why I'm in this psychological thriller of a mess.
Balance can be very difficult at times.
-My right leg is not very balanced still. I feel it when I try to balance on it for exercises at physical therapy. Apparently that is the peroneal tendon's main job, so it makes sense.-
Emotionally, am I balanced?
I am procrastinating, deviating and avoiding.
But it still wakes me up at night and makes me tearful and tired in the day.
It hurts my heart. Figuratively now, not physically, but it hurts enough to make me cry.
Why?
Because I love that guy
I'll be honest.
and also I love the guy who kisses me and tells me he loves me every morning before he goes to work. Even when I am still in bed. Even when I am still sleeping.
I love this man who I live with, that has neglected me plenty, but is here, when I need someone most. When I need love most. He is trying. More than he ever has.
Yet I procrastinate the final and complete severing of the fantasy of the other man, the one who loved me but used me, the one who couldn't be what I needed him to be, my neuropsychologist and therapist or, at very least, real and honest.
And I hurt for my husband, but I still procrastinate...
What I felt was so very real and powerful to me, and that part is fed by refusal to confront the reality of what it may have been: simply fantasy, a perfect storm, mistakes, and/or a manic and broken mind fed.
I do well with talking things out. I do well with honesty. I do not do well with coverups and I am maybe tired of sacrificing my needs to protect others. In this situation, I was not given a choice. At first it felt as though I was, but it was manipulation and their self preservation. I was not given a compromise. It was his way AND the highway.
You would think that would be enough, to kill what I feel, but it adds to me the confusion of pity for him and for me.
And it's effecting me, in all aspects, even though I don't let it, it still is.
I'm tied to this.
I say "this would be so much easier to forget and get over if I had no lingering TBI symptoms. If I didn't still need their medical experience and expertise." I say this because it is the sad truth and my reality ...that I wish to deny and avoid often.
It breaks my heart and I don't know who to turn to because they have been managing this for me, they are supposed to be the ones I can turn to for answers. They were supposed to be my safe place, my care.
Lost faith in the medical industry, faith that was already shaky at best, but I was at least willing to trust, those in power, those in authority. ...
God.
That is the only place left to turn
but He was talking to me in the midst of this, so now, what do I do with that?
It's a predicament to be in
and I am struggling to keep my head above water... I know this because the water is still bailing out through my eyes so regularly and so frequently.
And he, who may have caused this or at least abandoned me in this, he is immune.
And strangely that brings me some comfort. There can be comfort in that, if I really do care for him. I suppose that is okay.
But is it? If he is employed to be the cure?
Or am I sacrificing my needs for what I don't understand and for what may actually be hurting others as well? Cyclical thinking.
A trap.
And how do I get out now?
pass the burden on to those whose job it is to handle that.
...I see my husbands face kissing me in the morning. I hear the echo of his voice from months ago, sweetly and sincerely telling me he knows there might be someone better suited for me and he would love to see me have that... yet, as he sits with it for a moment, he follows his comment with "but I think I might be too selfish." He doesn't want to loose me. I am worth his time and investment.
And he is worth mine.
...And this realization may have been the very thing that broke my neuropsychologist. Maybe that is the basic truth to all of this.
So -full of gratitude and sorrow- I procrastinate the passing of this burden on to those whose job it is to decipher.
Tuesday, July 9, 2019
Possible alternative solutions
I do not have time at this moment to fully address this the way I'd like but after a friend mentioned the potential harm of relationships that don't follow that two year rule I'd like to address that. I do not condone the pursuing of relationships, especially sexual, outside of therapy when the relationship started there. But I do not think the black and white rule is the best, only or most healthy alternative. I agree that barrier can and may be a safeguard in many situations, however the standard policy of instantly dropping the client with no communication about this, no admitting of attraction, and the taboo of it all is NOT good practice and may safeguard the grooming therapists, but they may be the only people those policies really help and protect.
I'll be back to say more later.
added 7/31/19
First alternative solution: basically the quickest way to kill fantasy is through reality. A conversation away from his place of practice, bringing him into my elements, like if he had taken me up on my offer to teach him snowboarding, would have broken the perceptions of perfection that I had when I was there trusting him so completely as my healing practitioner.
A conversation when I was not amidst the manic managing prior to taking my kids out of the country by myself was absolutely needed for me. But there was no negotiating it was his way, which was no way at all.
Second alternative solution: We both meet with a third party to clarify.
Third: He write a letter explaining his position and understanding of my condition. He kind of did this in email, but in the midst of covering his ass and protecting himself. He did not acknowledge the symptoms that suggested mania and more significant problems, even though they could not be denied by every other person in the industry I have talked to or been treated for about it -even if I was trying to convince them otherwise, thinking myself it must not be if Dr. He had missed it.
a few quick ideas... just to get back here and follow through.
added 7/31/19
First alternative solution: basically the quickest way to kill fantasy is through reality. A conversation away from his place of practice, bringing him into my elements, like if he had taken me up on my offer to teach him snowboarding, would have broken the perceptions of perfection that I had when I was there trusting him so completely as my healing practitioner.
A conversation when I was not amidst the manic managing prior to taking my kids out of the country by myself was absolutely needed for me. But there was no negotiating it was his way, which was no way at all.
Second alternative solution: We both meet with a third party to clarify.
Third: He write a letter explaining his position and understanding of my condition. He kind of did this in email, but in the midst of covering his ass and protecting himself. He did not acknowledge the symptoms that suggested mania and more significant problems, even though they could not be denied by every other person in the industry I have talked to or been treated for about it -even if I was trying to convince them otherwise, thinking myself it must not be if Dr. He had missed it.
a few quick ideas... just to get back here and follow through.
managed manic magnificence
I have a lot to say and probably not enough time or energy to say it all so it will be interesting to see what comes out. If you choose to read this please read to the end.
1st: My managed manic magnificence is a sight to behold and the privilege was lost on the man who lost objectivity. Stigmas and stereotypes, typicals and expected sometimes cause us to loose sight of what may be really happening. One thing I realized a long time ago is that very few people become the exception to the rule until they realize they are not the exception to the rule. Think of recovering and recovered alcoholics for an easy example of this.
I am the exception to many rules, but it is because I have recognized that I may not be and I have worked hard to manage and rationally consider what is happening with me and my emotions and thinking. I have utilized dual nature, likely more aware of my own because TBI can cause you to be things you are not and then feel terrible about, for example: angry.
Which brings me to another point; it is well known (or it should be) that often our greatest strengths can be our greatest weaknesses and vice versa. I hope for the day when people realize that this can be the case with so many issues that are listed and viewed as problems. ADHD, OCD, anxiety, even depression, can serve a purpose and if worked with and managed can be useful traits. They can be turned into strengths. Bipolar people have accomplished amazing things because of that strength. Managed mania can be quite magnificent; think Robin Williams.
BUT don't be fooled into thinking it is easy to manage; think Robin Williams. Just because a person makes it looks easy and natural does not mean it is and most certainly does not mean they are faking (you can't fake that and if a person can they have my applause).
At physical therapy today my physical therapist, who has seen me tear up far too many times, asked why that is. He commented that the emotions are raw and right at the surface. He is right, they are, but they are also down deep. This experience with TBI, Concussion Dr. and Dr. Cheri, Dr. P, Dr. He, (whatever I call him) has affected me at every level.
Every level.
I will stand up for myself here: I was exiled, not due to misbehavior or fault of mine, I was not out of line, rather I questioned, expected, trusted and did not follow the patterns of typical or followed patterns that suggested contrary to what I actually am or my intentions. I have been told, they won't listen, they won't admit any wrong doing, their first and foremost interest is in protecting themselves. Which is understandable yet maybe they have been irrational in how they are protecting themselves. How can you fix something if you will not change the mistake? It is classic wisdom that the continued cover up will only make things worse.
When my husband was a teen he hid a motorcycle injury -road rash on his arm. He tried to ignore it and tough it out. He was embarrassed and didn't want to deal with the hassle. Fortunately the doctor who was seeing him for something else caught sight of it when he did, because it had started to go gang green. The recovery at that point was very painful and much worse than it would have been had he just dealt with the embarrassment of his mistake in the first place.
What if it is the doctor who makes the mistake, misses the problem? I am being told by those in the industry that they are not supposed to admit it. WHAT??? How is this okay? All because some people are sue happy, they say. And somehow that is justification?
They won't listen to me with out a lawyer I am told, and truly they have proven this point, yet they don't want me to hire a lawyer and they will fight the lawyer with their bigger better funded lawyers, their power and dominance, and their PHD's and prestige so the result, I have been told, is inevitably me out a significant amount of money, time, energy and emotional wellbeing so that I would simply be heard, but disregarded with a bigger fight.
This is very wrong.
The ideal versus the reality are too far apart in this system.
AND please remember I was seeing a neuropsychologist, they are psychologist, and they have a psychology team at that facility. Isn't one of the main points of psychology to work things out rationally and in a safe and ethical environment? Isn't the goal to help people become self aware and learn how to work through issues through safe and effective communication? I guess one thing we learn in psychology is that we will not always be able to do that and we need to process and let go of those painful and damaging relationships where safe and effective communication is not possible, but wait, they are supposed to be the realm of possible that helps us process those relationships, so why am I not allowed that? Because I am a slower processor of new information? Because I was in a PTSD fog, that was starting to lift in a scary way? Because I believe in reciprocity and mistakenly cared for my therapist in that way? Because I have a deeper depth and complexity? Because I understand too well and not well enough?
Or because he found me attractive and lost objectivity? and for that I deserve a scarlet letter L (for Liability)?
Or is it because I am intelligent enough to bring them down and therefore a liability? Just because I can does not mean that I will
and here is where we get into a true abuse of power.
They know this.
They know from their testing and from my condition that I was vulnerable and my head has not been optimally functional. Dr. P also knows that I care about people. He knows that I will feel immense guilt for making life harder for someone else, especially if I care for them. I suspect, to some degree, he may be banking on it. He also knew -from the get go- that I did not have strong social or family support. He new that I have struggled with insecurity and feelings of rejection. He knew a whole lot that, coincidentally, also, on paper, would make me a prime target for manipulation and grooming.
He knows I won't want to report this. He knows I would want to believe what I felt and how he tried to build me up over how he may have been trying for some ulterior motive. He knew when he told me his life is very complex right now and that he needed to focus on his kids, I'd care about him and them. When he mentioned other patients needing him more than I do and that he has to turn patients away, he knew I would care about them also. He knew when he mentioned/implied women in his life were trying to hurt him, I'd pick up on it, care, and not want to be one of those women. He was mistaken if he thought I would pity him for the "very small" place he now lives in. I think small can be great. But he was right that it would resonate when he threw out the comments about having to give up on the dream of building a house and reprocessing his own childhood. ... and the farther away I am from the situation the more I question his honesty and sincerity or if these were just ways he knew me better than I realized and if they were straight up bold faced lies he was using to manipulate me to protect himself.
I thought I was immune to people like that, because of the situations I've seen people go through and situations I have suffered second hand from, but maybe I am not.
And maybe the question to "why me and why at this point in my life?" is answered easily by; this guy needed to be caught.
I hope not and I pray for him, but because I know what I know and I am who I am and they are expecting me to play by rules that have hurt me and caused serious harm, that is exactly why I will file that report with the state, and let them decide.
I don't want to. I have tried not to feel like that is needed. I have tried to handle this on my own. I have tried to work it out with them, but to no avail.
So why? Well frankly, I don't know, but I do know how this has effected me and my family and I know that I should not be the one taking all the fallout from this. It is not fair or inline with their rules that be left without the resources I need to best figure out what the extent of these injuries are. I should not have lost the team I sought out specifically because they were the best advertised and licensed fit for my needs. Initially I thought the breaking of me due to being dropped by my therapist unexpectedly was still linked to TBI, possibly still car accident, but maybe it was more linked to psychological damage caused by abuses of powers and systems in which I have no say or control.
Maybe "why me and why then" because I need to speak out against whatever is happening there; Maybe me, because I actually will. Maybe the Yin and Yang that was almost visible in the intensity and insanity of that moment is wisdom to heed. Maybe the words that so instinctively came out of my mouth that I have had to process the meaning of are representative of the deeper happenings that my conscious mind couldn't face in those very intense moments. Maybe the magnificence of my mania is actually clarity.
This situation is deep and profound, and yet maybe far too simple. I'll let the state decide and no longer take on the burden and guilt trying to, understand, help and/or fix the broken that was not me or mine.
1st: My managed manic magnificence is a sight to behold and the privilege was lost on the man who lost objectivity. Stigmas and stereotypes, typicals and expected sometimes cause us to loose sight of what may be really happening. One thing I realized a long time ago is that very few people become the exception to the rule until they realize they are not the exception to the rule. Think of recovering and recovered alcoholics for an easy example of this.
I am the exception to many rules, but it is because I have recognized that I may not be and I have worked hard to manage and rationally consider what is happening with me and my emotions and thinking. I have utilized dual nature, likely more aware of my own because TBI can cause you to be things you are not and then feel terrible about, for example: angry.
Which brings me to another point; it is well known (or it should be) that often our greatest strengths can be our greatest weaknesses and vice versa. I hope for the day when people realize that this can be the case with so many issues that are listed and viewed as problems. ADHD, OCD, anxiety, even depression, can serve a purpose and if worked with and managed can be useful traits. They can be turned into strengths. Bipolar people have accomplished amazing things because of that strength. Managed mania can be quite magnificent; think Robin Williams.
BUT don't be fooled into thinking it is easy to manage; think Robin Williams. Just because a person makes it looks easy and natural does not mean it is and most certainly does not mean they are faking (you can't fake that and if a person can they have my applause).
At physical therapy today my physical therapist, who has seen me tear up far too many times, asked why that is. He commented that the emotions are raw and right at the surface. He is right, they are, but they are also down deep. This experience with TBI, Concussion Dr. and Dr. Cheri, Dr. P, Dr. He, (whatever I call him) has affected me at every level.
Every level.
I will stand up for myself here: I was exiled, not due to misbehavior or fault of mine, I was not out of line, rather I questioned, expected, trusted and did not follow the patterns of typical or followed patterns that suggested contrary to what I actually am or my intentions. I have been told, they won't listen, they won't admit any wrong doing, their first and foremost interest is in protecting themselves. Which is understandable yet maybe they have been irrational in how they are protecting themselves. How can you fix something if you will not change the mistake? It is classic wisdom that the continued cover up will only make things worse.
When my husband was a teen he hid a motorcycle injury -road rash on his arm. He tried to ignore it and tough it out. He was embarrassed and didn't want to deal with the hassle. Fortunately the doctor who was seeing him for something else caught sight of it when he did, because it had started to go gang green. The recovery at that point was very painful and much worse than it would have been had he just dealt with the embarrassment of his mistake in the first place.
What if it is the doctor who makes the mistake, misses the problem? I am being told by those in the industry that they are not supposed to admit it. WHAT??? How is this okay? All because some people are sue happy, they say. And somehow that is justification?
They won't listen to me with out a lawyer I am told, and truly they have proven this point, yet they don't want me to hire a lawyer and they will fight the lawyer with their bigger better funded lawyers, their power and dominance, and their PHD's and prestige so the result, I have been told, is inevitably me out a significant amount of money, time, energy and emotional wellbeing so that I would simply be heard, but disregarded with a bigger fight.
This is very wrong.
The ideal versus the reality are too far apart in this system.
AND please remember I was seeing a neuropsychologist, they are psychologist, and they have a psychology team at that facility. Isn't one of the main points of psychology to work things out rationally and in a safe and ethical environment? Isn't the goal to help people become self aware and learn how to work through issues through safe and effective communication? I guess one thing we learn in psychology is that we will not always be able to do that and we need to process and let go of those painful and damaging relationships where safe and effective communication is not possible, but wait, they are supposed to be the realm of possible that helps us process those relationships, so why am I not allowed that? Because I am a slower processor of new information? Because I was in a PTSD fog, that was starting to lift in a scary way? Because I believe in reciprocity and mistakenly cared for my therapist in that way? Because I have a deeper depth and complexity? Because I understand too well and not well enough?
Or because he found me attractive and lost objectivity? and for that I deserve a scarlet letter L (for Liability)?
Or is it because I am intelligent enough to bring them down and therefore a liability? Just because I can does not mean that I will
and here is where we get into a true abuse of power.
They know this.
They know from their testing and from my condition that I was vulnerable and my head has not been optimally functional. Dr. P also knows that I care about people. He knows that I will feel immense guilt for making life harder for someone else, especially if I care for them. I suspect, to some degree, he may be banking on it. He also knew -from the get go- that I did not have strong social or family support. He new that I have struggled with insecurity and feelings of rejection. He knew a whole lot that, coincidentally, also, on paper, would make me a prime target for manipulation and grooming.
He knows I won't want to report this. He knows I would want to believe what I felt and how he tried to build me up over how he may have been trying for some ulterior motive. He knew when he told me his life is very complex right now and that he needed to focus on his kids, I'd care about him and them. When he mentioned other patients needing him more than I do and that he has to turn patients away, he knew I would care about them also. He knew when he mentioned/implied women in his life were trying to hurt him, I'd pick up on it, care, and not want to be one of those women. He was mistaken if he thought I would pity him for the "very small" place he now lives in. I think small can be great. But he was right that it would resonate when he threw out the comments about having to give up on the dream of building a house and reprocessing his own childhood. ... and the farther away I am from the situation the more I question his honesty and sincerity or if these were just ways he knew me better than I realized and if they were straight up bold faced lies he was using to manipulate me to protect himself.
I thought I was immune to people like that, because of the situations I've seen people go through and situations I have suffered second hand from, but maybe I am not.
And maybe the question to "why me and why at this point in my life?" is answered easily by; this guy needed to be caught.
I hope not and I pray for him, but because I know what I know and I am who I am and they are expecting me to play by rules that have hurt me and caused serious harm, that is exactly why I will file that report with the state, and let them decide.
I don't want to. I have tried not to feel like that is needed. I have tried to handle this on my own. I have tried to work it out with them, but to no avail.
So why? Well frankly, I don't know, but I do know how this has effected me and my family and I know that I should not be the one taking all the fallout from this. It is not fair or inline with their rules that be left without the resources I need to best figure out what the extent of these injuries are. I should not have lost the team I sought out specifically because they were the best advertised and licensed fit for my needs. Initially I thought the breaking of me due to being dropped by my therapist unexpectedly was still linked to TBI, possibly still car accident, but maybe it was more linked to psychological damage caused by abuses of powers and systems in which I have no say or control.
Maybe "why me and why then" because I need to speak out against whatever is happening there; Maybe me, because I actually will. Maybe the Yin and Yang that was almost visible in the intensity and insanity of that moment is wisdom to heed. Maybe the words that so instinctively came out of my mouth that I have had to process the meaning of are representative of the deeper happenings that my conscious mind couldn't face in those very intense moments. Maybe the magnificence of my mania is actually clarity.
This situation is deep and profound, and yet maybe far too simple. I'll let the state decide and no longer take on the burden and guilt trying to, understand, help and/or fix the broken that was not me or mine.
Monday, July 8, 2019
Countertransference: the problem with current policy
This idea and common practice that says a therapist should immediately and absolutely terminate if counter-transference, specifically (and maybe especially) of the romantic kind, is very wrong. While I don't know an exact solution and I most certainly do not know of a perfect solution I know the aforementioned practice, that seems to be common practice and the APA expectation, is very very wrong. Here are some reasons why:
1. What an easy policy to abuse and/or for a corrupt therapist to use to their advantage. If a therapist is grooming and it isn't going as planned, the patient is about to blow his cover, No problem, claim countertransference and the patient is cut off and cut out, no questions asked.
2. It is only protecting the therapist and/or the facility they work for and often at great cost to client/patient.
3. THIS IS A BIG DEAL IF THE INDUSTRY ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT THE HEALTH AND WELlBEING OF THOSE THEY CLAIM TO BE HELPING, AND ESPECIALLY FOR SOME OF THE MOST VULNERABLE. You send the message to the person that even if they are actually lovable they are not worth the time or energy to care for or invest in. It becomes deeply engrained with the betrayal of a therapist whether countertransference is admitted or not. I imagine it would be even more difficult to overcome if the countertransference were in no way admitted because then the person would know what they felt but be completely confused by the sudden dropping. The message would be received with no logical answer and no place to turn to while distrusts and abuses that had them questioning their self worth in the first place are completely confirmed to the ultimate level.
4. The patient client may behave very strange feeling like they need to protect the therapist but not knowing what from or why and while being cut off from them completely. They may be needing to solve what is going on with their head not knowing what is what, for example is it TBI, mood instability, triggered mania, or some silly fantasy of a forbidden love that just became very real. It's very confusing and yet fed by the APA ethical rule that says no contact for at least two years if there is ever to be a relationship. Then, in they event that the therapist is actually romantically interested, they are required to abuse the patient client through isolation and rejection, in order to pursue that. And even if they are not interested in pursuing that, the patient that felt it, that knows there was something, is stuck in that head game with the power of the therapeutic relationship and their willingness to trust and be vulnerable working against them and this is further fed by the fact that the therapist won’t talk to them or help them sort this out in anyway.
It is a very difficult head game to escape and it is not fair to the patient. The only people it protects are those in power and it is an absolute abuse of power.
I have blogged extensively about my situation and how it has effected me internally, while the thoughts and opinions expressed their do not represent me entirely as a whole and/or they may not reflect well how I am functioning on a daily basis, It has been my therapeutic outlet and my method of both processing and coping. I have published all this on my blog that is not advertised and few people know about because it is how I feel I can be honest and transparent and I also publish in hopes that in someway it might reach and help others at some point. You are welcome to read it.
1. What an easy policy to abuse and/or for a corrupt therapist to use to their advantage. If a therapist is grooming and it isn't going as planned, the patient is about to blow his cover, No problem, claim countertransference and the patient is cut off and cut out, no questions asked.
2. It is only protecting the therapist and/or the facility they work for and often at great cost to client/patient.
3. THIS IS A BIG DEAL IF THE INDUSTRY ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT THE HEALTH AND WELlBEING OF THOSE THEY CLAIM TO BE HELPING, AND ESPECIALLY FOR SOME OF THE MOST VULNERABLE. You send the message to the person that even if they are actually lovable they are not worth the time or energy to care for or invest in. It becomes deeply engrained with the betrayal of a therapist whether countertransference is admitted or not. I imagine it would be even more difficult to overcome if the countertransference were in no way admitted because then the person would know what they felt but be completely confused by the sudden dropping. The message would be received with no logical answer and no place to turn to while distrusts and abuses that had them questioning their self worth in the first place are completely confirmed to the ultimate level.
4. The patient client may behave very strange feeling like they need to protect the therapist but not knowing what from or why and while being cut off from them completely. They may be needing to solve what is going on with their head not knowing what is what, for example is it TBI, mood instability, triggered mania, or some silly fantasy of a forbidden love that just became very real. It's very confusing and yet fed by the APA ethical rule that says no contact for at least two years if there is ever to be a relationship. Then, in they event that the therapist is actually romantically interested, they are required to abuse the patient client through isolation and rejection, in order to pursue that. And even if they are not interested in pursuing that, the patient that felt it, that knows there was something, is stuck in that head game with the power of the therapeutic relationship and their willingness to trust and be vulnerable working against them and this is further fed by the fact that the therapist won’t talk to them or help them sort this out in anyway.
It is a very difficult head game to escape and it is not fair to the patient. The only people it protects are those in power and it is an absolute abuse of power.
I have blogged extensively about my situation and how it has effected me internally, while the thoughts and opinions expressed their do not represent me entirely as a whole and/or they may not reflect well how I am functioning on a daily basis, It has been my therapeutic outlet and my method of both processing and coping. I have published all this on my blog that is not advertised and few people know about because it is how I feel I can be honest and transparent and I also publish in hopes that in someway it might reach and help others at some point. You are welcome to read it.
**after publishing I sent this to the APA. Do you think they will listen?
Please read follow up entries. You can find those by clicking directly on the "Am I Crazy" title or finding the entries by date on the right side.
Please read follow up entries. You can find those by clicking directly on the "Am I Crazy" title or finding the entries by date on the right side.
Sunday, July 7, 2019
"uncle"
maybe instead of fighting it, I just let it settle in and run its course
I'm tired of fighting
whatever it is I am fighting
I'm tired of fighting
whatever it is I am fighting
Friday, July 5, 2019
the downside continued
I've been a fool thinking I could avoid the crash that inevitably follows... I've kept it at bay for many months now, but I feel it, slowing and pulling. The weight.
Depression is creeping heavily in
...meditations
contemplations.
Exploring my own brain
I find that spot way in the back that is happy and fine.
I can access that. I can pull that out
Bright colors.
Fields of flowers
snow
sunshine
smiles and bright feelings
It's still there
I have to pass through all the dark and heavy;
push it aside
I'll need to listen to it when it nags and pulls or it will creep into my happy and take over before I know it, but the happy is still there
waiting for me to find it again and welcome myself in.
The reality is
this is a heavy burden that I really don't know how to handle and it is extremely complex for me. But there is still so much beauty in everything around me and even inside of me.
Depression is creeping heavily in
...meditations
contemplations.
Exploring my own brain
I find that spot way in the back that is happy and fine.
I can access that. I can pull that out
Bright colors.
Fields of flowers
snow
sunshine
smiles and bright feelings
It's still there
I have to pass through all the dark and heavy;
push it aside
I'll need to listen to it when it nags and pulls or it will creep into my happy and take over before I know it, but the happy is still there
waiting for me to find it again and welcome myself in.
The reality is
this is a heavy burden that I really don't know how to handle and it is extremely complex for me. But there is still so much beauty in everything around me and even inside of me.
Wednesday, July 3, 2019
The harsh realities of TBI and IHC
It's funny how waking up seems to be happening still.
I feel really sad and angry that I broke and they choose to hold it against me. He broke me and then to cover it up he turned me into something I was not. He choose to believe or worked to lead others to believe that I was simply pursuing him in some warped way when I was broken and trying to keep my head above insanity.
I am angry because not only is it difficult, painful and embarrassing to loose touch with reality but they stigmatized me, gaslight and ostracized all to protect him, when in reality that is what I was also trying to do, protect him. I am angry that he manipulated me to protect himself in a way that he knew would or could cause further harm to me.
I started this concussion healing journey with them and I went there because that is what the specialize in. I went there because they understand TBI, or at least they claim to.
but they used it against me.
They would not listen and they would not pay attention to the reality of the situation and they behaviors that I was trying to tell them were not normal for me. They ignored the flooding of memories and the turning point of being able to address PTSD only to later claim it as justification for exiling me.
I am so hurt and I am angry, though I don't really feel anger... just, that I am hurt, deeply. and sad, sad for what this means for me and sad for what this means for them.
I am sad about the lies. That the whole institution is a lie. The Neuroscience Institute of Murray Utah is a lie. Maybe just insurance fraud, for easy money. I am so sad.
The realities of head injury are harsh and sad and this is another one.
I feel really sad and angry that I broke and they choose to hold it against me. He broke me and then to cover it up he turned me into something I was not. He choose to believe or worked to lead others to believe that I was simply pursuing him in some warped way when I was broken and trying to keep my head above insanity.
I am angry because not only is it difficult, painful and embarrassing to loose touch with reality but they stigmatized me, gaslight and ostracized all to protect him, when in reality that is what I was also trying to do, protect him. I am angry that he manipulated me to protect himself in a way that he knew would or could cause further harm to me.
I started this concussion healing journey with them and I went there because that is what the specialize in. I went there because they understand TBI, or at least they claim to.
but they used it against me.
They would not listen and they would not pay attention to the reality of the situation and they behaviors that I was trying to tell them were not normal for me. They ignored the flooding of memories and the turning point of being able to address PTSD only to later claim it as justification for exiling me.
I am so hurt and I am angry, though I don't really feel anger... just, that I am hurt, deeply. and sad, sad for what this means for me and sad for what this means for them.
I am sad about the lies. That the whole institution is a lie. The Neuroscience Institute of Murray Utah is a lie. Maybe just insurance fraud, for easy money. I am so sad.
The realities of head injury are harsh and sad and this is another one.
Tuesday, July 2, 2019
Random, not so random
The waking up is not yet ended in its entirety. It's beyond frustrating, which might explain why today I feel like "who gives a shit about anything." A I'm giving up and I don't care about a damn thing, kind of day.
I'm lazy and zombie like.
Yesterday was so emotional. So much so that I want to include the F word but I'm trying to clean my mouth back up... wait, it's a who gives a shit kind of day... I guess I still care even if I don't give shit or I somehow think giving shit is something people do and are supposed to do. I digress...
The F word fits for the emotional toll of yesterday because "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge" was how my head was messed with. He literally was FUCKing with my head. I'm still not sure if he meant to but he is far too intelligent and has been so concerned with cover up and keeping people from listening to me or being concerned about me and my health and wellbeing that it is clear that he really was playing with a hot fire.
"You isolate yourself" he said, and this one has baffled me.
He seemed a bit frustrated with me, yet it was something I had discussed previously with him, when I explained how my insecurities and pain from rejection would often cause me to behave oddly, thus I was further isolating myself. Only now, in this context and conversation, I was not sure why he said this ("you isolate yourself"). It did not make sense to me.
Yesterday I met with the new neuropsychologist. It was supposed to be a new neuropsychological evaluation, but I was too emotional. He felt it might benefit me to do some counseling first, get this old neuropsychologist stuff processed first then do the assessing. That could give a better idea on what is TBI residual. At least that was my understanding. He wanted me to choose but obviously I don't know what is best for me, because if I did, I'd already be over this shit. I've been trying. And not trying. And everything in between... but I'm still here. Broken.
New neuropsychologist wants me to meet with the female therapist in his office. I don't trust females, but due to my transference issues... This is annoying but I get it. I assure him, its not going to happen, at least not on my end, and since that is all I can control I agree the female therapist might be the way to go... Now I don't trust men either I guess. But regardless we have a good conversation and he gives me a bit of insight.
When I tell him about situation with old therapist, how I told old therapist I'd not come back to him as my therapist if it meant he could not be my friend, he reacts. He thinks this is odd. I agree. I explain, and he actually listens, granted I'm well out of my messed up manic breaking brain, this kind of stuff is embarrassing. I said stupid stuff and wanted to clarify. It took months to figure out exactly how stupid some of the shit I said was. I explain that I was not in my right mind and had old therapist not lost objectivity, he would have seen it. Or he was using it against me early on. I don't know. I just know it hurts still in many ways. I explain to new neuropsychologist that it is part of what makes this whole ordeal so painful, it IS embarrassing and they were supposed to know how to handle it but instead they confirmed the insecurities of there being something terribly wrong with me and I was not allowed to discuss it.
"Oh shit, she is one of those. Never mind cover that buried story back up. Your perfectly imperfect actually is not acceptable, not even here" is what they seemed to say.
and I'm circling and cycling again, maybe ruminating.
I don't know.
But then later, conversation with my boss who is a therapist, he asks how I made it to work so early; We put off the eval because I'm too much of a mess. He asks how I feel about that. Wrong question. I break down. Now I am compromising my job, but oh well, too late, the flood gates are open. He listens, we talk, he asked questions, he understands a lot. He tells me "that's some heavy shit" I know, because I feel it.
He understands how deep the betrayal might feel. He wonders about the transference, did/do I love Dr. Cheri because he was the therapist? this is common. ...
The thing is I can tell you how many kids he has and about his kids. I know their ages and where his daughters are at college. I can tell you he was going through a divorce and at times it was painful for him. I don't know why but I know it was. I can tell you about how he collects rocks from places of his ancestors. He even has ancestors from India, which surprised me. I can tell you that he doesn't quite fit into the Utah culture and he would one day like to try kite surfing. I can tell you more but that is enough about him. Here is what he could not tell you about me: That I also collect rocks. That I also want to build a house. that I have two kids and he likely cannot tell you much about them. He could not tell you the condition of my relationship with my husband or that I had been to other therapists (to be fair, I had mostly forgotten about the other therapists so he could not have known about that, though if he had asked I would have remembered sooner).
He doesn't know these things because I did not share. If I felt a connection with him I'd withhold anything that might strengthen that connection. I could say I was protecting myself, and I likely was, but I was also protecting him ...from me, because even though I couldn't believe it -I was so broken- deep down I knew their was something there, I knew he was flirting with disaster.
So I isolated myself. I rejected him.
"I've tested you, in ways you don't know."
But I knew.
And so the mystery of how and maybe even why I isolate myself was solved yesterday as I realized how I keep people away in order to protect them from me...
"I'm not afraid of you."
Really? Maybe I am afraid of myself. I am afraid I will destroy people. and they are certain I am a threat.
So, who gives a shit?
Angel of destruction
Random and not so random
...Emotional tired mess yesterday, lost today, I wonder what tomorrow will bring.
"Sit with it" is what Dr. New says, when I ask about reporting. I have. I am tired of sitting with it. I am tired of trying to understand what is going on with my head. I am tired.
Manic
not manic
this mess
it's exhausting
heavy shit
3 weeks to sit with it until I get to meet New She Therapist. To process.
I'm lazy and zombie like.
Yesterday was so emotional. So much so that I want to include the F word but I'm trying to clean my mouth back up... wait, it's a who gives a shit kind of day... I guess I still care even if I don't give shit or I somehow think giving shit is something people do and are supposed to do. I digress...
The F word fits for the emotional toll of yesterday because "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge" was how my head was messed with. He literally was FUCKing with my head. I'm still not sure if he meant to but he is far too intelligent and has been so concerned with cover up and keeping people from listening to me or being concerned about me and my health and wellbeing that it is clear that he really was playing with a hot fire.
"You isolate yourself" he said, and this one has baffled me.
He seemed a bit frustrated with me, yet it was something I had discussed previously with him, when I explained how my insecurities and pain from rejection would often cause me to behave oddly, thus I was further isolating myself. Only now, in this context and conversation, I was not sure why he said this ("you isolate yourself"). It did not make sense to me.
Yesterday I met with the new neuropsychologist. It was supposed to be a new neuropsychological evaluation, but I was too emotional. He felt it might benefit me to do some counseling first, get this old neuropsychologist stuff processed first then do the assessing. That could give a better idea on what is TBI residual. At least that was my understanding. He wanted me to choose but obviously I don't know what is best for me, because if I did, I'd already be over this shit. I've been trying. And not trying. And everything in between... but I'm still here. Broken.
New neuropsychologist wants me to meet with the female therapist in his office. I don't trust females, but due to my transference issues... This is annoying but I get it. I assure him, its not going to happen, at least not on my end, and since that is all I can control I agree the female therapist might be the way to go... Now I don't trust men either I guess. But regardless we have a good conversation and he gives me a bit of insight.
When I tell him about situation with old therapist, how I told old therapist I'd not come back to him as my therapist if it meant he could not be my friend, he reacts. He thinks this is odd. I agree. I explain, and he actually listens, granted I'm well out of my messed up manic breaking brain, this kind of stuff is embarrassing. I said stupid stuff and wanted to clarify. It took months to figure out exactly how stupid some of the shit I said was. I explain that I was not in my right mind and had old therapist not lost objectivity, he would have seen it. Or he was using it against me early on. I don't know. I just know it hurts still in many ways. I explain to new neuropsychologist that it is part of what makes this whole ordeal so painful, it IS embarrassing and they were supposed to know how to handle it but instead they confirmed the insecurities of there being something terribly wrong with me and I was not allowed to discuss it.
"Oh shit, she is one of those. Never mind cover that buried story back up. Your perfectly imperfect actually is not acceptable, not even here" is what they seemed to say.
and I'm circling and cycling again, maybe ruminating.
I don't know.
But then later, conversation with my boss who is a therapist, he asks how I made it to work so early; We put off the eval because I'm too much of a mess. He asks how I feel about that. Wrong question. I break down. Now I am compromising my job, but oh well, too late, the flood gates are open. He listens, we talk, he asked questions, he understands a lot. He tells me "that's some heavy shit" I know, because I feel it.
He understands how deep the betrayal might feel. He wonders about the transference, did/do I love Dr. Cheri because he was the therapist? this is common. ...
The thing is I can tell you how many kids he has and about his kids. I know their ages and where his daughters are at college. I can tell you he was going through a divorce and at times it was painful for him. I don't know why but I know it was. I can tell you about how he collects rocks from places of his ancestors. He even has ancestors from India, which surprised me. I can tell you that he doesn't quite fit into the Utah culture and he would one day like to try kite surfing. I can tell you more but that is enough about him. Here is what he could not tell you about me: That I also collect rocks. That I also want to build a house. that I have two kids and he likely cannot tell you much about them. He could not tell you the condition of my relationship with my husband or that I had been to other therapists (to be fair, I had mostly forgotten about the other therapists so he could not have known about that, though if he had asked I would have remembered sooner).
He doesn't know these things because I did not share. If I felt a connection with him I'd withhold anything that might strengthen that connection. I could say I was protecting myself, and I likely was, but I was also protecting him ...from me, because even though I couldn't believe it -I was so broken- deep down I knew their was something there, I knew he was flirting with disaster.
So I isolated myself. I rejected him.
"I've tested you, in ways you don't know."
But I knew.
And so the mystery of how and maybe even why I isolate myself was solved yesterday as I realized how I keep people away in order to protect them from me...
"I'm not afraid of you."
Really? Maybe I am afraid of myself. I am afraid I will destroy people. and they are certain I am a threat.
So, who gives a shit?
Angel of destruction
Random and not so random
...Emotional tired mess yesterday, lost today, I wonder what tomorrow will bring.
"Sit with it" is what Dr. New says, when I ask about reporting. I have. I am tired of sitting with it. I am tired of trying to understand what is going on with my head. I am tired.
Manic
not manic
this mess
it's exhausting
heavy shit
3 weeks to sit with it until I get to meet New She Therapist. To process.
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