1+1=2 fixing me and you

Solving.
"don't try to"
"what will it accomplish?"
Why do I have this drive to solve?
"I think you wake up with 80% already spent" says my husband. Often he is right. But why am I waking up with less than 20% of my reserves left?
I'll wake up with an epiphany...my brain is still solving even when I am asleep.
Solving
why and what do I hope to accomplish?
"...it's a matter of how I try to solve..."
Even when I am not trying, it is, or it has become, so deeply engrained in me that I am even doing it in my sleep.
epiphany
but still too tired to get up and type it out because I'm waking up worn out
solving because I know too many people that are unhappy, in pain, and causing others pain because they don't want to solve themselves. They don't want to fix their own problems.
Sometimes they'd rather blame,
sometimes it is uncomfortable
sometimes it is scary to face yourself, your fears, your vulnerabilities
To admit you are wrong and try doing things or looking at things a different way. So you leave it alone and don't try to solve and the pain continues, perpetuated, and projected.
Can it be solved?
Is this my way of attempting to control what feels painful and out of control? to control what I cannot.
Maybe.
Yesterday, tired, brain not wanting to turn off, I wanted it too stop solving.
It did. I turned off the self reflection and attempts to solve... compartmentalized and suppressed.
because I was exhausted
I have done this before. turned off the solving and self-reflection. Sometimes it is an effective tool. Sometimes it is not. Sometimes, if I push the "this's" down, they come out in other ways. they start nagging, biting and pushing buttons.
Yesterday IKEA. I am not solving, I am being present and enjoying the moment... but only now I am fighting urges that are suggesting I am unsatisfied with the normal and mundane. Urges that think it would be interesting to see and hear what that blue porcelain vase would look and sound like if I dropped it on the concrete floor or that wish to ask any random man if he'd like to have sex.
Where does that stuff even come from? I don't solve this time, I try to stay present. But it's a lie, I am still solving as I maintain my composure and agree to follow the societal norms and expectations instead of just being what I am in the moment. And I am likely trying to solve again as I observe my thoughts and urges, feel curious about them, where they are coming from and why?
Yesterday's Ikea thoughts, urges and desires were a bit out of character. Not that I have never felt or had thought things like this before but that it has been a very long time and they had a different feel to them.
I wonder what others are thinking and feeling as they walk amongst strangers acting so well behaved.
Are they thinking similar thoughts? Do they ever wish to hear things shatter out of curiosity? Do they wish to have sex with some random stranger just to settle whatever chemistry is surging? Do they wish to break the boring confines of societal norms because it all seems so pointless and silly?
What does this all mean anyway?
Do I need help solving this?
Concussion Dr. said she would help me find a new team. Maybe a psychiatrist-therapist combo. But I have not heard anything from her. I am not surprised and I guess her now cold-to-me assistant may have something to do with this.
Time to solve again.
Time to find a new team so they can take some of this solving burden
the burden that was multiplied with the directions "don't try to solve this" and the abandonment that followed.
sigh.
But I solve because my epiphany reminds me that solving is better (to me) than hurting and causing harm, it's better than suppressing what will only break out in some other, likely destructive, way.

Equations for Chemistry

My drug of choice?
"What would solving accomplish for you?" asks now ex-concussion doctor
It's a fair question and I don't know.
It may be dependent on what "this" is. And while I am not so keen to try to "solve this" anymore I think I may still need to because in it lie answers that can help me stop repeating the same mistakes in relationships.
And yet the statement itself implies that it may not have been my mistake at all in his mind. which could be evidence of something that needs to be solved for the sake of others. or just simply that he is scared or frustrated by something else.
It is worth noting that the less I try to solve the more things just occur to me and then I find myself thinking on it; maybe because it is the drug of choice, maybe because it is a push back I need to pay attention to. I am not entirely sure, however I can say with surety: where I am now and how it affects me physically and emotionally is very different from where I was 7 months ago...when he was telling me not to try and solve this and when I was trying to obey but the need to solve was pushing back with monumental force. And I can also say with surety that our greatest weaknesses can be our greatest strengths. I am not sure how to utilize this one as such yet so I am letting myself explore naturally, paying attention to feelings and thoughts, and going with it if it feels calm or okay and shutting it off if it feels counterproductive... btw, this is also following his instructions for me (a complex psychological web and now I  slightly wonder "is this pathological") but to my point of coming on here and the exploration that my intuition is guiding; thoughts about the transference and countertransference issue found there way to the forefront -the waking up forefront- of my mind.
"Am I the threat, is employing institution the threat, or he is he the threat to himself?" I ask concussion doctor. I know it is not me "unless he is sexually frustrated and I bring that out in him, then I guess I am," I try to explain, and yet I'm not (the threat) because that is him and his issue, not me and mine.
It's funny how things like that then become your issue. If it's about you, even if it's not your issue, it really is, because it's about you after all.
I digress.
or maybe not
transference was happening.
and I still believe counter transference to. I believe there was testing of my transference that I resisted. I would not let him penetrate my thoughts the way you are supposed to allow your therapist to. I would not let him know my transference. because I was protecting? which may have back fired.
Separating from his ex-wife? he tried to avoid taking me on? I wouldn't let him in, though we had a meaningful connection or despite the fact that I obviously cared for him.
Is there something there with counter transference?
I remember thinking once, "I wonder who cheated on who?"
Not that it happened... But "I am not meant to be with just one women" a comment about his own frustration he had to come to terms with to help me realize I had to come to terms with my own frustration? Was I supposed to ask about those comments? probably. But I didn't. Naturally protective? I wondered but would not ask. It was the boundary I seemed to know I was not supposed to cross in therapy, that was his life and his business and I knew he would only share what he wanted to or felt was beneficial to me and since it was supposed to be about me and not him I knew better than to ask. I would likely only be disappointed. (Am I answering my questions I have been wondering now as I type it out?)
But my not asking amidst a pretty powerful transference, projected or reflected... that may have confused his psyche, especially if he really was sexually frustrated. Especially if I reminded him of his ex-wife or some other sexual interest in the past in anyway. Especially if ex-wife had been a with-holder. And maybe especially if that withholding led to/contributed to cheating.
So I wonder
could Sexually frustrated + withholding transference = countertransference + therapeutic disaster?
I tell you, conversation on this topic could be so fascinating and telling.
But, he is right, it could be potentially risky.
...I'd take the risk. why? because facing fears and taking risks make life just that (life) and a whole lot more.

Keep upkeep

I'm in the midst of a very complex psychological web and I need people who can keep up. Most people will not be able to keep up. If you find yourself offended by that last statement then you are one of those. And yet more will be offended by that following statement and you now may be in that category of "can't keep up." But if you have found none of those statements to raise any suspicion you may also be unable to keep up with me as well. And by this point my own suspicion at my potential arrogance has offended myself so now I can no longer keep up with myself... which is actually probably more true than we believe is possible thus putting all offended and non offended parties that could not keep up back to square one so try to keep up and know that it only matters if  you want it to. Besides I can't really keep up with myself half the time either.
Already, I have lost where I am going with this.
- and there goes a broken breath. It's this automatic deep breath that sounds and vibrates slightly similar to that automatic breath that happens when a person has been crying hard for awhile and their body is trying to soothe and regain composure, only I have not been (crying) and it comes rather automatically to me now when I am processing thoughts and emotions or at moments of re-centering. It's a tangent but also not because it is a fascinating physical effect of this complex psychological web.
It is now 3:05a.m. and I am certain I have been awake with my thoughts for at least one hour. I did not consider this writing until thoughts of how what is bothering me now is further peeling back those onion layers... when I thought there was nothing left to peel back. And these onion layers are still related so then how do I move forward constructively and not back? I didn't really think those thoughts exactly but that explains better whatever now lost thoughts I had that brought me to the idea of writing it out.
Next
try to follow
I know that getting up, getting on my laptop could be the very move that heads me down the rabbit hole of mania again. I need sleep and the lack of is the beginning of the end. Or the beginning of the beginning again. So I most certainly should not get on my laptop and stay up and start that cycle of insanity again.... Only now, because I thought that and it feels like an important piece of the puzzle to document and note so I don't forget; now I feel it more pressing to get up and write it out.
...I am in the midst of a very complex psychological web where the wrong answers may just be the right answers as my thoughts have naturally redirected me away from whatever brought me on here anyway.
I am strong and solid. I may have broken and I may still need work. The tears at work yesterday may be evidence that I am still more vulnerable than I care to admit, but ultimately, I improved in compartmentalizing and in keeping those tears in where and when I did not feel safe to let them out.
I also realized how much of a protector I naturally and/or instinctively am...  I actually do compromise myself to protect others and the psychology of it is kind of fascinating... so I guess I need to figure out what and how that needs to look for me and my health.

I gave up concussion doctor because of this complex web, it was hurting me. But it may hurt me even more to give her up... Yet, that is what they need. (including but not limited to he) the he that is becoming more and more humanlike while I embrace him as nothing more than a figment of my imagination.
Did you keep up?
...then you might be doing better than me

Facing Fears for Fun and Freedom

My son has been doing alliteration exercises in his English class. He thinks they are fun. That is one thing he and I have in common. I also adore alliterations, only my son likes to end them at two or three words and I am like, "you got a good thing going, don't stop there." ...or maybe I'm more like, "you gotta good groove going guy, lets give it even greater gusto!"
That's my off tangent on the title.
...though I suppose I can tie it in.
I also like my concussion doctor. She taught me the word pathological today. I know the word but I don't. "explain?" I ask.
She says something like: It means there is something bad or wrong about that statement or line of thinking.
I looked it up upon arriving home, it can also mean diseased, impulsive, obsessive, habitual and some other stuff.
I like that she used that word. She was calling me out or pointing out something that needed to be fixed. I liked that she allowed me to fix it and still directed attention to maybe a need for further and deeper fixing.
She also pointed out that dear ex-therapist, her associate in the same office, could not have been the "right" therapist for me because he is the reason I got to that point. "Thank you for recognizing that" I say. It is the first time anyone at the facility has acknowledged that. It is the first time that anyone there has acknowledged that something was not right in the therapeutic relationship with dear dr. neuropsychologist and that the responsibility is on him, not me.
...I still defended him though... that is probably pathological too.
I think we maybe, with out saying it, agreed to disagree about him being the right or wrong therapist for me. I still think he was.
"It was bad timing" I say.
And deep down inside I think I still hold onto the belief that he could fix this. Fix the harm he has caused and even go so far as helping me work through the issue's I'd hoped he would help me with.
I am probably wrong.
Maybe I give too many chances, maybe I have too much confidence in people once I do, maybe I am just a silly little girl. I don't know.
...I am wrong and I know it because he thinks he can't and may not be allowed to so therefore whether  I think he can or I think he can't, I am wrong.
But it doesn't really matter anymore.
Dr. Concussion is all about moving forward. Which is why she knows and understands that I have to say goodbye even though I want to keep her and I don't want to start over with an entirely new team.
I am not sure what that looks like. She feels I need a psychiatrist and a psychologist.
I think I need to admit I am not sure if I am really ready for that team.
Besides she talked me through and eased some of my fears about head injury and brain damage. She gave me knowledge and knowledge is power so maybe I can stay charged on that power source for a bit? ...or is that pathological?.
I am being funny now. btw
But fears faced are far less powerful and TBI is one I have avoided learning too much about prior to this breaking of me because it scared me. Now I find it is far less frightening than I thought as it fills in holes and gaps in my understanding and my personal history. I have new favorite words like neuroplasticity -today I learned there are basically 9 kinds. And I have better hope and understanding for my future.
There is a teaching style that I really like (maybe because it works well for me as a learner) that uses learning targets and goals, set out even before the lessons begin. I like that it answers the mystery of where one is going and "why do I need to know this?" at the beginning of the learning process. I am far from the beginning but, at the same time, everyday is a new beginning.
Thank you concussion doctor for listening, for actually listening and for remembering with me why I was there when all else in your operation have been caught up in something entirely different, not entirely sure what, but it is most certainly not about my wellbeing, health and healing.
You will save your fearful facility from my powerful pathological destructive forces no doubt :)
And I,... I will move on now. with radical acceptance.
{...Which would ironically make me right; that ex-therapist really was the right person for me- because he both helped me so much and broke me so completely.
..."It's a Tao thing, you wouldn't understand" - is the dumb thought that pops into my head and it is so stupid and funny to me that I have to type}

a well groomed coincidence

Here is something funny.
Today my physical therapist told me that I reminded him of a good friend of his.
He reminded me of how he had thought that the first time I came to physical therapy, only he hadn't told me that then. We talked about whether he had or had not. He thought he had told me this already because I guess I have reminded him of her quite a bit and we have had some very significant conversations, but he had not told me about this friend. Maybe he had told me that I reminded him of a friend but I know he had not told me about this friend because, that friend, I'd have remembered him mentioning.
Apparently I remind him of this friend he has had since college and still keeps in touch with. He says she had some serious childhood trauma. She was kidnapped twice by the same guy. And there has recently been a documentary made about it.
-I think instantly of the Netflix show "Abducted in Plain Sight" I had watched a few months back. It was disturbing and fascinating. It was also helpful. She was an example to me. I remember how, though I had experienced nothing like this poor girl, this show made me realize and face the fact that I was and had been behaving like someone who had been groomed. -
I ask physical therapist what his friends name is.
Jan Brodbank
"Really?" I mention the name of the show. Yep, it's the same. I am intrigued. Why do I remind him of her?
He tells me a variety of things. One part is the trauma of a situation where the people who are supposed to be caring for you are betraying you. That was my ex-therapist and his IHC facility. It was also in a way, my parents who kind of screwed up, unintentionally in abandoning me when my brain was so broken and I needed more support as a teen.
I tell physical therapist how I found the documentary helpful and why, even though my situation was nothing like that. I tell him it made me think "I'm behaving like someone who has been groomed."
He tells me that is one significant way I reminded him of his friend, Jan. He had thought that very thing from our first conversation. Trying to protect a person who had and was causing me harm. Feeling conflicted about what to do and say, and how to stand up for myself with out hurting someone else. Not sure if I should speak out louder.
We, physical therapist and I, both are unsure if it was intentional or not from my ex-therapist and he has given me good insight in our conversations about this topic, but he sees many parallels that I share with this lady and that is one.
It is interesting.
and I am glad that he sees that and he understands some about the conflict I have with my captors mistakes being ignored very much to my expense.
Physical therapist, so sweet, so kind, so insightful agrees it very well could have been unintentional "grooming" but he points out to me the selfishness of ex-therapist in his effort to protect himself.
Sometimes life and coincidences are so very fascinating.

The Void

"don't try to solve this"
he really doesn't understand...and I know I've gone here before, visited these thoughts a million times. Is it healthy? Is it productive to visit them again? I don't know. It feels like slow and steady progress and I realize more and more in my continued struggle to accept the me that was so boldly rejected by the gods that determine who is worthy of acceptance and who is not. the Therapists, their Superiors, Colleagues, and Teams.
Are they my gods? will I allow them to be my gods?
My instinct for survival will not allow it, because they have rejected me and to be rejected by the gods who determine who is worthy of saving and accepting then what?
...he doesn't understand
I am not trying to simply solve "this" situation or him. I am not at all sure what the "this" is that he is referring to.
I am trying to solve me.
that is why I was there in the first place, I needed to solve me.
I don't really know how or what that looks like. I thought he did. I trusted him. ...and my thoughts are derailed again.
I have been reading a book by Lori Gottlieb called, "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone." It is about a therapist who is seeing a therapist. and oh yeah, now I remember what I came her to process...Too much... all at once. because I want to get this whole thing over and done with and move on quickly because it has already taken me too long. So naturally this book has all the answers I am looking for and all the answers to help me solve me.
Yep, this blog really does help me process and can help give me clarity as I just let whatever come out, come out. I wasn't thinking that but as I am trying to write my thoughts I realize that is what is happening and what I am trying to do.
Still rebelling against being patient with myself which has prolonged the process far more than shortened it.
These are new revelations to me as I write and I am liking this epiphany
but going to redirect now anyway back to one point I thought on processing that the book from my new therapist god Gottlieb (wait didn't I just reject the notion of therapist gods? or am I just rejecting the IHC Murray therapist gods?-ooh bold, I'm putting a name on... we'll see if I come back and change this, I might be turning the heat up on them... I might be choosing to fight a little harder for the righting of the injustice of their wrongs. Maybe I am increasingly annoyed by the evidence of wrongdoing and their complete unwillingness to work with me to right any of the harm they have caused. and they have. It is not good enough that they will use this to "help the with future clients" because that is bullshit and likely the "help" will be how they protect their money grab and insurance claims...
a tangent again,
yep, too much to process and too little time... inspired by a new source,
where I'm going with this,
yet to be determined
but I'll enjoy the ride because its not about the destination, the adventure is in getting there...
)
.railed again? no... rather here's the short list of thoughts this book has brought up today:
1. What is the emotional void that ex-therapist was filling and has now come to represents? -confidence, self acceptance, self love, acceptance, meaningful intellectual conversation, deeper connection, mysteries of TBI and how it actually effected my life-? not sure and I am kind of surprised by how not sure I am
2. what was the "precursor self-confession" of the dream I had prior to the complete system failure?
3. How do I "isolate myself" really?
4. What was my role in my family? -to gain them attention for my looks? (I had the blond hair and blue eyes... I was a cute little thing, but not spectacular) -to be the baby girl? to be the klutz? middle child? validator of my parents middle child syndromes? I don't know

the process
lifelong
sometimes fun
sometime interesting
sometimes a bugger of a job
when you've got so much going on. so many angles
aaaww the beauty and complexity of life
...what is my emotional void that is looking for a voice and validation?
Do I love men too much?
Do I have a cheating heart?
is it really not about ex-therapist at all?

Last appointment with concussion Dr. ... my eyes are drawn to about 4 inches of an arm. That is all that is visible of a person around the wall. Folded long sleeve button up shirt and bit of skin. Darker than I remember but I recognize it. The voice from the other side of the wall confirms. How am I so aware of this person? How did I know who it was by just that small piece of him.
I have walked right past my husband -and other friends and family members I know so very well- without even recognizing them, even when I am looking for them.
My drug of choice?
what is the deep void he has come to represent?

*a connection to a higher power? -that's a thought- I wish not to explore at this moment in time. so I'll log it real small- make note- and maybe revisit, later- when I feel prepared to explore- and as I say it this seems so obviously the void... maybe too obvious... so maybe not the void- overthinking over analyzing? as a way to justify myself out of facing it? 
-less speaking/thinking, more doing-
damned ex-therapist
I wish you hadn't been so lovable ...and helpful

Too

Just a friendly reminder to who all who read or follow:
this blog is reflective of what I am feeling in the moment and not reflective of me as a whole.
Sometimes I need to allow myself to feel things so they may pass. Sometimes writing helps me process my feelings.
So please remember you are only reading the part of me that most needs processing assistance.
Thank you.

...that said
here is what's in my head
even though I don't think I really need this writing to process at the moment (blog was just up)
My mood is mostly okay, but still unstable
that is frustrating to me
I find I am spending too much time reminding myself that I am okay
that I am happy
I am
I just don't want to be reminding myself so much. I like better when it is more of my base and I am stable in it; only rocked occasionally by things that are significant rockers or with lots of build up... maybe that is a judgement. Whose to say what's significant anyway?
maybe because I am not, less significant things will rock my world.
... no, that analogy doesn't work so well. Small, seemingly insignificant things seem to be more sturdy. Small, low profile things tend to withstand greater winds and storms.
Maybe I am not so insignificant, maybe I am too big so I am easily shaken.
My emotions are often too big. Until they are not.
...I am off on a "me" tangent that I don't want to be on
and I don't really care about this nonsense anyway.
 I would like to feel more stable and solid in my emotions again. I am tired of the the tears.
Though some experiences are so exquisite we wish to savor them forever, I think I'd like for this one to pass now. Fade into the void it has left behind
... the trouble with being too much. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-emotional-intensity/201805/feeling-intensely-the-wounds-being-too-much
But it's only this moment
then I'm off to outside
a beautiful day
-scared of my ankle
but going anyway-
smile and play
that's more my way