a not-so-straight gait

I'm here to complain today.
but first I have a saying, and my kids hate it, so it must be a good one: "your not allowed to complain about it unless you are willing to do something about it."
but sometimes we complain because we aren't sure what to do about it. or even where to log our complaints. Sometimes we cause bigger problems by complaining... but now I am getting sidetracked into the philosophical unknowns that can turn into black holes
So I'll just complain.
My lower back sucks right now.
Walking again after so long of not and when some part of you is recovering from surgery is so much harder than I realized. Mine was just my ankle. A mere 2-3 inch scar that wraps the ankle bone is all that shows (not entirely true, it's swollen still and my calf muscle on that leg is still skinnier) Yet at 3 weeks able to walk again more things hurt now then did before or immediately after surgery.
My lower back hurts so bad and my heel, ankle, calf and all these muscles and parts of my foot, I didn't even know existed before, hurt. My gait is very off and has been for some time so it's throwing everything else off.
I'm so glad to be able to move again but I am still so limited in what I really can and can't do and it's hard to take it slow...and to not fall into the push crash cycle.
And here we go again, but really,
It's the story of my brain once again mirrored or parallel in some other form that is helping me to understand the life I have long been so confused about.
That stinking broken brain of mine, that was so grossly misunderstood, was throwing off my gait and making it hard to keep things straight.
Push, crash
and other seemingly simple concepts and problems to solve to the professionals become much harder to overcome when they are so deeply ingrained.
And hide.
Hide the symptoms because you are ashamed and you will be judged, or berated.
...or simply things like you won't be allowed to learn how to drive corvettes racing style at the Spring Mountain Motor Resort. Stinking ankle.
...I do wonder if just as the ankle -initial injury was overlooked and misunderstood- needs to get worse before it can get better the brain may also have needed to get worse before it could get better? Needed to be broken again in order to be reset correctly. Man, I hope this reset is better in the long run.

Awakenings to sane things

I am meeting with my accident attorney tomorrow. I had thought to fire him. I have not been easy for him these last few months. I had to asses my fears and the why's for them. I had to talk to him, have uncomfortable conversations. He was patient. I have sure needed that.
And in the end I have realized my fears are and were being fed also by my condition... I was in state of distrusting everyone. My lawyer was a friend from high school and I love him, because that is what I do, I love people, but it is not a romantic thing it's an appreciation thing. I am sorry for the hassle I have been for him.
And I see that I am still coming out of this.
My brain is a fascinating place.
I am hearing my conversation with my brother-in-law and wondering if it is time to switch medication. See someone more specialized.
I did not want to do that until I really understood what was going on and what had happened.
That is where my Neuropsychologist messed up. He lost objectivity with me and that combined with the dictates of the rules, policies and procedures of his profession resulted in a dangerous place for my mind. I think he could have managed except he was forced to follow all these rules that were meant to protect him but at my expense. I think I was right all along, and so was he. Except that he misunderstood me and the strengths and weaknesses I had at that time.
I am sorry for this. And I am sad for this and I am sad every time I know that I have lost him forever.

I asked my lawyer if he could look over my medical records with me, help me know if I even need to worry about it. My brain has been stressed and scared because it did not know what was happening. It was scared that I had crossed over into a irreconcilable place. I have not been the same, my mood and cognitive stamina are coming up short. Too many influences and voices have been playing with my mind. That has been a problem for me before. It was why I used to not watch television much or read too much. It is why church is often times not a safe place for me.
I am still coming out of this shock and heartbreak. I am still not completely understanding what happened to my brain and I know that he has the knowledge and expertise and he probably could explain this in is intellectual way from a neuropsychological perspective. But he can't for me or hw won't. And that still hurts. And it kills me that he does not understand me. He does not realize all along I mean no harm I just need to understand what is going on with my head. I need to fix it. It has to be solved. It would not be wise to continue in my madness and the only way to not is to figure it out and fix what I can.
I have digressed once again. But as I was looking over the concerns of my medical records. The ones I need to meet with my lawyer about, I know that I was wrong. I was misinterpreting so much so very incorrectly when I was broken, hurt and scared, when I was still somewhat straddling two worlds.
I am sorry. It is why I did not want to file a complaint. I knew I was not right in my brain and I did not have the help to do it. I am so sorry. I really was not ready to mourn that loss. I will maintain that he was helping me so much and exactly what I needed. His work with me still is what is helping me through. He was so good at letting me philosophically wander but then reigning me back in....
I miss him. and I have made a mess.
but I really was doing the best I could all things considered and that is the irony of it. I was wrong in who I distrusted, I was wrong in my interpretations of somethings and I knew this was a possibility that I needed clarification on but in my mind I could not risk what I was wrong about, so I was confused and confusing and the very things that I was wrong about made me difficult to help while being the evidence that I needed help.
And this, my friends, is why mania does not mix well with reality. Proof in the pudding that we think we have it more under control then we actually do not.

A Guide Denied

a lot of tears through a lot of years
but Depression
that was not my problem at that point
that was why "I think we are off track"
he got lost in the Tao
needed a spiritual guide
but that he denied
because he doesn't believe in forever anymore?
Depression
...satisfied with his life, if he died today he'd be okay
I was his drug
he needed a hug
further he's dug
...he needs a drug
And I don't know what to do,
I don't know how to help
because it was supposed to be about me
not he
literally and ethically
not that I cared
but that I dared
to mention reciprocity
and seek for clarification
and his professional explanation
for the dogs that needed fed
then inside my head
When my buried hell was flooding out of my broken box
breaking down my walls
...kicking down doors
words that I don't fully understand coming out of my mouth
a guide denied?

Dear Ex-Therapist,

Here is the thing, I understand what happened and it was a wild combination of a whole lot of things. the only thing I really don't know is how often you play with your patients. The very problem you thought might keep you safe from getting into trouble from playing with patients, from enjoying your job was the very thing that tripped you up this time.
TBI and I.
You toyed with me. and I played along.
This toy you told too much.
You allowed yourself to be vulnerable because toys have no power to hurt. You allowed yourself to be vulnerable in trying to protect your own ass.
it has backfired
 because you built me up too strong to protect your ass, forgetting that your job was to protect mine.
Now I can't burn out and I cannot die
I can't even disappear for you because you built me to protect you.
....from yourself?
You are broken and hurting or you are hurting others for gain,
but either are not well by the Man Upstairs and in Indra's net.
You are far too valuable.
You have gifts and you are a magnificent creature.
Not just for me but for many.
I'm not sure what you are to do or the lesson you are meant to learn and I am not sure the part I am supposed to play... I don't want to be the judge in it. I don't really understand.
But I do know there is something that needs fixing and breaking me is not going to save you or fix you.
So please find your soul again and trust the gut that is good. You are not the bad dog, or the bad dog is not bad, you are fun, lively and playful. You are good at connecting with people. You care about people. You care. You love and have passion. You are intelligent and driven when you need/want to be. You are so very good at compartmentalizing and organizing. You are strong. You are compassionate. You are curious. You are creative and thoughtful. You dare to make mistakes, [though I am not sure you are very good at admitting when you were wrong]. You are determined. You are a beautiful man and you are very loved. You are needed in so many ways for so many people, and I think this wears you down. But you are better than you know.
I was sent to love and protect you the way I need to love and protect myself. I wish I understood that better and I am sorry I have made so many mistakes, I was not meant to do it alone.
This perfect storm will break the will of whatever it is meant to break.
I hope someday to talk again.
 if not
I'll find you in forever
when you think you have disappeared
and if you are stuck in darkness please listen and take my hand when I try to pull you out.
...because I still believe in forever.

Spirit animals and closed gates

The problem with suggesting I was not manic is that I will consider it.

And as I consider it...

My mind replays

I was embarrassed and it takes guts to try to resolve these things, they are proving why.

Yet they are the ones who are supposed to understand, who are trained to know. They are the ones I am supposed to be able to trust. It is supposed to be a safe place for me and my kind. ...And I suppose I am determined to fight for the humanity I believe in.

I have trusted them, trusted him, so much more than they have ever deserved. Continuing to hope they will be what they promised to be when they took their Hippocratic oaths and/or agreed to their ethical codes. 

It is hard and I don't understand entirely what happened and why. I don't really know if it would be a good idea to talk with that man that has hypnotic effects but I can and do have hard conversations. I can and do hard things and I face my fears because I know that living in fear is no place to live while pushing through and coming out on the other side is far more rewarding. 

I wish they understood this. I wish they understood this about me. 

I am not after them. their power,  their money, or anything else. 

I am after me. I am trying to figure out me and they are the professionals that are supposed to be able to do that, I have paid them for their knowledge and training.

... I am off on a tangent...

But I will consider, because even in spite of their continued abuses and neglect, I will consider what they have to say and what my part is and what is right and wrong or at least what feels right and wrong to me. 

I was angry when they said I was not manic. I was angry because it has been so difficult to manage and so hard to understand what has been going on with me and why.  I have questioned it myself but as they would ignore me and/or be freaked out by me, as I would realize the stupidity of my words or actions I have to allow myself to accept that I was. And it is a hard pill to swallow. Then to be told I am making it all up... SO I went back, thinking and reading, the stuff I have not published here, and I consider; If it was not, then what?

As I considered I started to feel things again. As I read, I started wondering... started believing things again... that maybe are true and maybe are correct... but were denied by the other party?

I had to stop. And laugh. I had to laugh BECAUSE ... 

Well I made a meme to explain it:

So I laughed because... I just don't think they really want me to go there and to believe that. BUT

Maybe I really was not manic. 

They might want to talk to me even more than, because God's got words for them.

So you choose, me or God, who would you rather face and/or deny talking to or through? 

And I'll stop at that because, even though this was just a part of the story and what was going on, that part is a path I'd rather not head down [again] right now. That is the path I struggle to navigate and the path that I speculate wants to pull me into complete psychosis. So while it was interesting and fun to consider, while at times I maybe need to be open to that path, when it leads to results like this I think it is best to close the gate to that path. 

And I'd rather talk about it when I the gate is shut. Please don't open that gate. Thank you. 

reprocessing... again. but coming to the end

This last year has been too much
I am too much
I am not even sure what I am anymore
gaslit?
If is was not mania
was not countertransference
then what?
why did you toy with me, make me a game?
What could you have done
I don't know
recognized that I was in fact very, very broken
do you not remember?
Spirit animals,
laughing far more than I ever had before
You broke me
"I can't loose you"
why was I bothered so much all of the sudden by the fact that you could not be my friend? I knew that. I didn't like it but I was fine with that. I was preparing myself for that
"You never really get to enjoy the beauty of what you create"
you were careless
but you are lying about it. Either to yourself or everyone else
You are manipulating them to believe I am bad and I am after you
But why?
Because your manipulations had backfired?
because you were broken yourself?
Because you are scared?
Because you believe I am bad?
because you think I should burn out? You are trying to burn me down, to burn me up?
I do not understand.
I am sorry I am screwed up. or I have been screwed up
I am, that was my point
You made assumptions and then have claimed them as fact. I did not need to or wish to explore other aspects of my life that were not TBI related in therapy with you. I did not need long term therapy for depression. My buried story was directly related to the impact TBI had had on me and that is what I have wanted to understand. Even when you said "I would have to be open to that" I heard "You have brain damage. Therefore, even in that theoretical world where I could see myself falling in love with you, I would not be willing to take you on."
I know that is not what you said but I suspected that is what you meant. What did you me?
What did you mean when on Dec. 3rd you said "I meant everything I had said"
What did you mean when you said, "I am good at connecting with people but it's not a sexual thing" Were you meaning that you wanted sex or you thought that I did? I tried to explain when I clarified my boundaries, that is not what I was looking for.
But you knew that. You had tested me. That was your disappointment and your frustration.
That is what you had hoped I would get hung up on and come back looking for.
But I broke apart instead.
In my messed up little head
that thought it not possible to be a threat, to be a temptation.
Why did my brain get so messed up?
Why the mania that you deny?
Spirit animals, very little sleep, no need for food, I lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks with no effort. Increased energy, sex drive. oh the sex, you wished it had been you... and your stupid face wouldn't stay out of it. ...but at least I had that outlet.
I never claimed an inappropriate relationship. but surely your lost objectivity, dumping me without warning, and then playing with me, it was fun, not inappropriate but not therapeutic and you know it. A duel relationship had developed. Not unethical, not inappropriate, just a duel relationship. But it became harmful
...because it was unethical? Inappropriate?
But surely entertaining. Interesting. Confusing.
...because you wanted sex
I understand now
?

Worse Case Scenario or Broken Like Me?

I was so much more broken than I realized.
I really have been like my ankle.
Standing and living as if I was strong even though I was not, even though inside, my tendon was breaking more as I both ignored and pushed through the pain and my misunderstood condition.
I am starting over again.
Trying to understand why they refuse to see the evidence of the broken me.
They are a place of psychology.
Coincidentally my physical therapist -whose first name is the same as my new counseling therapist- originally got his degree in psychology.
Physical therapist says I am still fresh in dealing with this and that was nice to hear. But what really got me thinking is when he asked me yesterday "What could be the worst possible outcome?"
... I think that is the problem.
I think this is the worst possible outcome and I don't really know what to do about it.
This, to me, is the worst possible outcome because I thought I was doing so well, but I could not communicate correctly so I got dropped, and then I broke.
My therapist may have been careless and irresponsible in how he handled the situation but that may have been because I was like my ankle and I appeared to be better than I was; not knowing how to really voice my concerns because I felt guilty and insecure for feeling them.
And I had grown attached. I knew how to handle my attachment and I had a plan but I was too insecure, to broken to know how or even that I needed to communicate my plan with him. The funny thing is, he did the same thing, failed to communicate his termination plan with me.
I was much more fragile than I knew as I was just realizing how broken I really had been for so very long and why. I felt I had knew hope but then the rug was pulled out from under me and I broke.
The breaking was painful and blissful at the same time.
That state of shock your body goes into when it is fighting to survive.
I went crazy but because I have experience with that it was misunderstood, by the one person who was not only supposed to understand and see it but whose job it was to protect and help me through it. But he didn't know how to handle me. The story of my life. He didn't see it, because I was not crazy, I was just functioning from a alternative reality. I was combining the worlds I was living in a bit too well OR he was also living in them but he did not realize it.
My brain has been a mess, a fascinating semi-functional mess, but a mess and a burden on others, which I hate to be, but I am. Especially with the ankle. I need to embrace the burden that I am, I suppose.
But worse case scenario? I am made out to be something I am not, I am misdiagnosed and misunderstood and I don't know how to handle it. So in trying to understand, trying to get those who are the professionals, the ones I am paying for, who are trained to know better than I but have made the mistakes -mistakes I am fine to forgive-  I make tons of mistakes as my silly irrational brain is trying to make sense of all the parts and pieces and input and output and it's chemical surges. Worst case scenario, they don't listen and they act as if I am making it all up, faking, or they paint me to be something I am not and I loose my safe place and hopeful home of recovery altogether. Worst case, he denies everything and I am left alone to decipher and decide what to do about what I know to be defensive and offensive patterns that guilty manipulators and exploiters use....That I have to decide to blow the top off this thing or let it go, knowing I am not so special, not likely the first to be toyed with, he's likely succeeded in exploitations before and is very unlikely to get caught because he is so good at it and he knows how to cover his ass and tracks...
It is my worst case scenario... I don't want to decide that. I don't want to be caught in this spot. I still want to believe it was a comedy of errors with a man who was broken like me. Broken like me