How do you sleep at night?

 They know it. And they are likely following me here to see if they are succeeding in waiting me out. Waiting to see if I can follow through with this very difficult task of filing a claim against them.

They know as I review all the bullshit they put me through it will trigger and exhaust. 

They know it will cause a physical burden to my body and that in reality I am not likely physically capable of fighting this fight long enough to outlast them and all of their resources 

and their fully functional brains....

And I know it to 

and it's disgusting. 

So I will not succumb until my body fails me and I can no longer stand up and take their beatings every time I try to speak out and seek the resolution the medical industry needs and that other patients deserve as well....

SO if my vulnerabilities amuse you and feed your egos, fine. Be fed knowing that you will eventually succeed in burning me down and burning me out 

But someday it will all catch up to you and you will be held accountable for it. 

You make me sick.

literally. 

But, I now understand that that is literally what you want. 

So I'll keep fighting 

to end your sick and twisted games. 

And Ms. Attorney, You are such a liar! Straight up lies. And so brazen and confident in your presenting  them that even I questioned myself... 

But, I have so much of it in writing 

so there is that. 

You're Somebody Else

 People tend to talk about what is going on in their lives, what they are going or currently working on and towards, their interests etc.

These are things my kids talk about. 

That is what I talk about too.

To be clear, I am careful not to share too much with my kids about all this. They know what I am doing and they wholeheartedly support it. In fact my son has more then once stood up for me to people questioning my decision to pursue a legal medical malpractice claim. He even told his grandpa that I have to do this. Sometimes my kids surprise me. 

So yesterday I shared with my son one of the poems I found on this here blog as I was searching for dates and details to include in my claim against IHC.  It was one I figured my kids might appreciate and my son did. 

Then he shared with me and experience he had recently had. He told me he is doing well and has really moved past all of that trauma so it took him by surprise when he was very affected by a song that came on at his work. He said it took right back to all of that and it made him really emotional. He shared the song with me: Flora Cash: You're Somebody Else

It made me cry as I felt what he and my daughter had to endure and how profoundly the whole mess had affected him. 

It made me realize just how much my son really loved and appreciated me and how much he still does. I was a really good mom before all of this and he lost that for a long time, almost lost it completely and he knows it; whether we talk about it or not, he knows it. 

It is no wonder he made the intimidating Karma call to the discriminating professor that triggered a med-mal-related post traumatic stress response in me... It's no surprise a kid who had been through what my son had would react to that situation in such away. 

Whether we talk about it or not, my kids know because they had to live through it too.  

So occasionally we talk about it and that seems to work best for all of us.

Talk is cheap. Avoidance is not.

Screams that go unheard

 As I continue to write my medical malpractice claim sometimes my insides start screaming, "ARE YOU INSANE?!?! HOW IN THE HELL COULD YOU IGNORE, DISMISS, DISREGARD AND THEN DENY THE MANIA I WAS EXPERIENCING UNDER YOUR CARE???" 

It is screaming so loud inside of me that it slips out of my now very stable and very level self as I audibly question the emails in a normal curious tone. 

It is mind boggling. And disturbing. 

Embarrassing.

EMBARRASSING

and not just for me. But (and really even more so) for Dr. He and IHC.  Really? "No evidence of mania, except for in the emails?" That evidence alone being over-the-top and so extreme that

It makes my insides scream 

at them and everyone who has played a part in the misdiagnosing and dismissing of dangerous conditions

of me and the reckless disregard for me 

and the disregard for every other person in the world around me 

because that is one of the very scary realities of mania when one does not know or believe they have it. 

The PANEL, from DOPL. I won't but I want to disclose their names now too because of what they have dismissed and condoned. It is very, very scary to society to know that these types of acts and omissions are so common and or excused that they would so easily dismiss, condone, and turn a blind eye. 

It is so so so so disturbing the more you dig into this medical malpractice world. It is very very scary how IHC has used laws to create and hide, beyond what is discoverable, entire fraudulent departments and practices that literally oppress, abuse, and distress faithful and trusting patients who have been the "victims" of mistakes made by their false gods with PhD's. 

My plight, I am finding, is likely going to have to rise to the level of challenging the Unconstitutionality of what is really going on in the medical malpractice world, laws, and the Courts who too frequently solely protect the attorneys of the providers- To be clear, it is NOT the medical providers being protected, it is their attorneys' paycheck that is exclusively and shamelessly protected. 

It benefits neither providers nor patients for medical and psychological providers to 1st misdiagnose, then deny misdiagnosis and then to arrogantly/stubbornly/ ignorantly/ shamelessly/maliciously/or-whatever-it-is-ly continue down a path with a patent that deprives them of dignity and their rights and refuses to address the providers obligations to improve the practices of medical and psychological care for others and society in general -and according to the Medical Practice Act and their Associations' codes of conduct and ethics. 

My insides still demand, "What the hell is wrong with all of you? I was such a mess and you claim I 'just didn't like what you decided.'"

Do I really have to explain that you do not actually get to decide if a person is sick, injured, or ill? NOPE you really don't. Your job is to diagnose, not to decide, but to recognize and then treat. Really, it's true, your decision does not change the condition of the patient. Your treatment does. So if your decision contradicts reality and you refuse to change your mind then you are a threat to your profession and your patients. 

Screaming. My insides are still screaming. 

My condition was so so -resisting-the-urge-to-curse- bad that it is egregious just how vehemently they deny it and their responsibilities associated. 

I meant for this to be a very short post- a quick shout-out- to validate and relieve the screaming inside of me and reasons for it... but my insides are still screaming... screaming to be let out and heard knowing the danger I was and will always be in without proper and adequate care and the danger others are in because our medical institutions are not what they claim to be.

...maybe...Screaming to be free of the danger I am in when and/if others likewise "decide" that I, and my kind, are not worth treating, listening to etc, again. 

Their decision was to invalidate me, degrade me, dismiss me and continue with practices and policies that perpetuate harm; and thus they are correct, I did not like their decision. Do you? 

The screams of bad dreams that no one can hear when you are in desperate need of help... 

The screams then turns into pleadings, because they hold all the power and their decisions had such a significant impact on me and their decisions will continue to have significant impacts on the lives, health, safety and livelihood of others and society in general.  

Neutralize, compartmentalize, rinse and repeat.

To be honest, I don't hate what I am doing right now, which is writing the very lengthy claim of medical malpractice against IHC. Even though often what I am learning is disturbing and shocking, it has been and continues to be very interesting and fascinating learning process. I am learning a ton about the law and the realities about how our legal and justice systems work. In addition to that I have gained a lifetime of experience and side information as well. So I do not regret my decision and I am happy with my progress. In fact I finding increasing enjoyment of the process and it is proving to be a very worthwhile investment in myself.  

However, it has not been an easy journey to get this far and, albeit less in frequency and intensity,  I still find myself repeating my sustaining and self-fulfilling mantra of "That which we persist in doing becomes easier. Not that the task itself has changed but that our ability to do it has increased." I am glad this mantra is working. And so well as each step in this heavy laden and often stressful process is transforming into such a welcomed pride invoking accomplishment as I choose to appreciate and celebrate them instead of allowing them to weigh me down. 

Of course I still have to be careful and realistic, and I am which is why I came here for a bit of reprieve from my current task... 

The task you ask?  Well, I am intentionally trying to recall all of those confusing and conflicting memories that were on vivid detail repeat in my brain for so long. So long that I feared they would never go away and I'd be torture for eternity by them if I did not solve precisely what they were, what they meant, and what to do about them... For sooo long...

For so long I worked to solve them so I could escape them. For so long I was torn apart a thousand times a day by them. For so long those memories and words of Dr. He plagued and haunted me. ... and indirectly my family. 

And the harder I tried to solve the more they tore me down and every relationship for or with me.  

What a strange irony that now I am struggling to bring those memories back to my conscious recollection; asking my brain to remember them as precisely as they used to replay in me. 

Mania and the after effects. TBI as well. Such interesting and fascinating phenomena; especially from the 1st person perspective. 

The preciseness and heightened senses that keep things so exact in your brain while compromising your ability to act precisely and logically at all. So fascinating and I don't hate that I have experienced it. I just hate how you are treated for it. But now I am rambling, a bit tangential, and maybe avoiding a bit...

Because really, there is a cautious part of me that does not want to bring those memories back at all. Let them stay buried? Nope. I won't. They will be exposed because this is how I keep moving forward and how I keep moving on. Dig them out and keep digging until every root of the problem is out of the ground; too dried and sunbaked to ever grow again so matter the ground it is sown in. 

 I do find it quite helpful that I have so much written down because then I don't have to rely on memory and the emotions that digging can bring to the surface. Reading and then re-writing is much easier to neutralize and compartmentalize.  

Place Holder for Good People and Things

 I wish I had more time to post the good things that have been happening and things that are helping to restore some faith in humanity as I fight this fight... But learning how to go pro se in 60 days is very time consuming. I am learning how to be an attorney in a very short period of time and with very little help and resources. But I am doing it and I feel sad for the defendants because their stubborn and ill advised continuance to deny any responsibility fault etc. is not in any parties best interest and just the filed claim is going to be embarrassing to them -Which it rightfully should be but it is sad how unnecessary it has been for them to try and conceal and to perpetuate harm. It all could have been so easily avoided and even still can if they would just admit their mistakes and make efforts to improve -the way the are expected to by law and by the standards of basic human decency. 

Anyway, enough about that (another plea to those who may be following to please be reasonable) what I really would like to do is make a place holder for some stories that are worth sharing later. Those stories include:

• My birthday, the Sur Ron, and 
• the appointment on my birthday with the surgeon who fixed my hip. This appointment was about the numbness that still remains in my inner thigh. It was another "unexpected outcome" from a medical procedure only this one has been handled in stark contrast to how INI and IHC has handled the "unexpected outcomes" that happened when I was under their care and in direct correlation to their care, practices, procedures, etc. Standard of care in response to "unexpected outcomes" should be consistent with the common sense, ethical, fair, compassionate, and decent way that Dr. Hip-Surgeon responded.
• How the DOPL Division Director handled my concerns and complaints about how the DOPL hearing and disability related accommodations were handled. The interactions started not so good but this director did not simply write me off with condescension and degradation. Initially it felt like he was trying to but I knew there was likely some misinterpreting on both our parts when he agreed to meet with me and listen; and that was so refreshing. He even agreed to address some of the issues I brought up with his staff and to make changes to better serve the public. He learned, I learned, our support people learned, and together we addressed issues and made improvements that benefitted everyone. I left feeling not only validated but grateful and very appreciative. It was such a simple and appropriate way to handle the situation. 
• The growth and development that comes from tackling the hard stuff. 
• This one is not a good thing but I wish I had more time to blog about the sudden death of my husbands dear lifelong friend who died of a heart attack at the cardiologist's/doctor's office during a stress test. Such a good guy. Such a sweet wife and an incredible well adjusted blended family despite their many challenges... Gone so quickly. My husband feeling like he lost a piece of himself is angry with the entire medical industry, angry with the doctors. The growth in my husband to be able to express his feelings about this is significant. It is also surprisingly validating to me that my husband feels he now knows too much to think that the medical providers present were not in some way at fault for this. I am not sure how to explain this one and I don't think I am explaining it well so be advised that you may be misinterpreting what I am trying to articulate, but ultimately, my husbands supports is greatly appreciated while our hearts break for his family and for the devastating loss of this friend, especially knowing the nasty battle they face on top of it if they try to pursue filing a medical malpractice claim. A claim that common sense says should be paid on but that will first be reviewed by attorneys who will most likely do all in their power to collect as much as they can on the insurance payout that should be going to our friend's family. And that is very sad. 

... There are many things, especially good things in my life that I wish I had more time to write about but right now I have to stay focused on the hard tasks in order to meet those deadlines. 

Upgrading to Marginalized

 Marginalize: verb [with object] treat (a person, group or concept) as insignificant or peripheral: (as adjective marginalized).

Synonyms to marginalize(d) include: sideline, trivialize, isolate, cut off, shut out, disenfranchise, alienate, estrange, and discriminate against.

The definition alone of marginalized is not adequate to describe those two demographics I belong to, TBI survivor and Bipolar. Two demographics that it is currently socially and culturally acceptable to discriminate against. If we include the synonyms to marginalize we get closer to our status within society, but we are still not quit there. Marginalized is still a higher status then we are so often given and the term is just not adequate enough to describe our plight.

So in conjunction with the term marginalized, the demographics of TBI survivor and bipolar also need these terms to be included to describe our societal status: dismissed, degraded, devalued, dehumanized, misconstrued, misrepresented, stigmatized,...

Let me explain some of the harsh realities you face when have bipolar and/or have had a TBI and people know it. 

If you are normal (or if people don't know about your conditions) when you reach out to someone or entity for some legitimate purpose it is perceived to be for the purpose that you are reaching out. If you do not hear back and you follow up, this is considered to be a positive trait. You may be heralded as being persistent (in a good way), motivated, resolute, purposeful, resolved etc and you are more likely to get some form of response back. To which you will then reply according to the response which will most likely take the form of an invitation or thoughtfully given rejection. If it is an invitation you are further rewarded for future correspondence. If it is a rejection you will often still be praised for response that is equal to thank-you-for-your-time-and-feedback or a one-more-hard-sale attempt. 

However, if you have one of those other aforementioned titles attached and people know about it far, FAR TOO OFTEN, for following the EXACT same model as outlined above or less, you will be entirely ignored. If you dare to follow up then it is highly likely to be misconstrued to be harassing, and you will be treated with all manner of degradation. You may even be threatened for it. It is degrading, demoralizing and dehumanizing. But still, YOU, the person with known mood altering disabilities, are required to respond with graciousness and dignity as if the perpetrator of the dehumanizing is noble for even giving you any of their precious time. And it does not matter how calm, nice or stable you actually are, if you exhibit any form of impatience or frustration you are immediately shut down, shot down, and shut out. It does not matter the circumstances or the fact that such circumstances would increase stress and seriously try the patience of EVERY persons and if you are behaving better then most people, if you have one of those labels, and they know it, you will be condemned for any show of weakness.  It is far worse than being marginalized. 

When you ask for clarification, for your rights to be honored, for the same/equivalent treatment or if you continue fighting for the ending of such treatment you are only further misrepresented, chastised, ostracized, criticized, dehumanized, etc and given all manner of degrading labels, like: crazy, pain in the ass, delusional, waste of time, of no consequence, etc. 

People fear you because of their own misconceptions, biases, prejudices, etc. But if you try to clear those up, you are often treated in similar fashions as those described above.

If you ask for help you are shunned and shamed. 

And you get to listen to people casually talk about "crazy" people and "bipolar" in the most degrading ways. Nice people, good people, will say things  "that demon child has got to be bipolar or something." Or  like the therapist who asked my sister "so when are you going to leave him?" when she went to her for help and to learn how to cope with and handle her husband's bipolar illness.

Can you imagine if a person went to counseling for help handling the realities of life and issues associated with their spouses illness of cancer, diabetes, etc (like they so often do) and the therapist asked them, "So when are you going to leave them?" because they had been diagnosed with a tragic illness? 

We would be, as a society, absolutely appalled. We might even say it is "outrageous and intolerable."

If certain people are chastised, dismissed, degraded, devalued etc for expecting people they have paid, to treat them according to their paid professionals obligations to them (example doctors and professors) is that acceptable in a civilized community?

Is it acceptable to dismiss, degrade, ostracize, chastise, punish, etc. highly vulnerable and marginalized people for being highly vulnerable and marginalized? 

This is a small and severely understated example of what people like me are facing. It is why it is hard for us to get appropriate care or to admit to anyone, including and even especially ourselves, that we need the help and care we do.

It is also a HUGE factor in the suicide epidemic that is rising instead of declining. 

And this is all very frustrating. 

So I am asking our medical and mental health providers to please, at least, upgrade us -those with TBI, Bipolar and other mental illnesses- to marginalized. Marginalized is at least recognized in policies, are a bit more protected, and there are many grants and programs to help de-marginalize the marginalized. 

...I decided to post this to FB and after I did I started reading others posts. About the third post down was a heartfelt and beautiful tribute a friends young adult son who was just diagnosed with cancer. It is sad and I hurt for them... but I also have to admit I felt a bit of jealousy. Jealousy because they are dealing with an acceptable illness and an acceptable trauma and for it, they have very visible and compassionate support....

Wouldn't it be nice if all of us with serious life altering medical conditions were treated with the same level of support and compassion. We'd never allow the same degrading treatment to happen to this young man and his family because of his illness... so while my heart hurts for him and his family I am also grateful for them that his form is considered acute and has a good survival rate and I am grateful they are not dealing with an illness that they would be shamed, shunned and even vilified for in addition to and while they are dealing with the immensely difficult trials they will be as they try to stabilize and beat this illness/disease. 

Burden of Conscience

 To many things are going through my head about what I need write, document, cross-reference etc. that it is keeping me from sleeping. So I think, "Maybe I should just get it done right now since it is keeping me from sleeping. 

And this makes me nervous. Maybe in a PTS(D) kind of way... Because I still know and remember too well what happened last time things started keeping me up and preventing me from sleeping. 

I think I will be okay this go around because I have weathered many storms and I am NOT feeling the accompanying chemistry surgings but it is still a bit scary AND I need to sleep. 

So I opted to write out a few things that are keeping me up right now. 

1st: Their attorney. Blah. I need to respond to her last email in which she denied being deceptive as she was being deceptive. It was comical. And she went off about the evidence she presented to the Panel as if I had complained about things I had not complained about. I am baffled about why she went off about that and exactly what she thought my complaint was that she was addressing. What I think I am likely NOT baffled about is what her going off on that tangent suggests since my complaint was about her and IHC people being deceptive. 

She also claims she has been professional with me, or something like that. What gets me here is how I knew and she knows that she has done everything she can to cause stress to me. Apparently, I have learned these last few years, that is how attorneys "play the game" and crap like that. So they engage regularly and frequently in intentional inflictions of emotional distress and this is considered normal and acceptable among  attorneys. BUT intentionally inflicting emotional distress IS unscrupulous and illegal and thus a violation of the Attorney's Code of Ethic. Just because it is commonly practiced does not make it legal, ethical, or appropriate. It is beyond me how these practices are so widely accepted and excused. This is also part of why I will keep fighting. 

The other thing on my brain is how full of fallacies and inaccuracies the Panel's decision, facts, and opinions were. And what do I do about that? For the sake of patients and society it genuinely scares me  how much they dismissed, turned blind eyes to and excused. It is disturbing and unsettling that they so easily bought into the lies, deception and the slander and defamation of me. 

It's hard to know what to do. Do I try to offer corrections i.e. like by pointing out that there is no evidence to support IHC's claim that I had been told from the beginning that Dr. He would be limiting his therapy to 10 visits AND that the form and format he had started and was following with me would not be responsible to start with such a restrictive number of appointments AND this is well known by therapists... Do I try to stand up for myself i.e. by pointing out that I had NEVER been diagnosed with bipolar prior to seeing them and was not diagnosed with it until months after I had left their facility.

There is a lot of insanity and delusions in that write up directed to me about my experiences and what really happened but the insanity and delusions in it are not mine...

And just one more thing I'd like to say that is in my brain: Forgiveness does not relieve one of the obligation to report. I really wish it did, but it does not and the burden of conscience will not let you sleep when you know something and/or some people need to be reported and stopped.