I wrote this entry but wanted to get permission from my brother-in-law before I made it public information. He not only gave me permission but also a link to his original book, I was very glad he did. I will explain why at the end of this post.
MY BROTHER-IN-LAW
When I got back from Florida my brother-in-law made an effort to talk to me. He even put himself out there by sharing some of his personal and seemingly embarrassing stories about his break down. I was entertained by his stories and appreciated his effort but I think I also made it painfully clear that “I was not like him.” I was not especially open to thinking that I may have been “mentally ill,” or potentially more so. My story was nothing like his. Though I knew that my little incident with the police officer was a God-send I also knew that the police officer really had over-reacted. I just had a touch of depression that I would get over and no longer need medication for ever again, and that was that. End of story.
Years later, years after I had successfully been weaned off of anti-depressants and ignorantly started to mentally turn south (so to speak), I read his story. It was then that I realized I really was more like him then I’d previously thought. I had, fortunately, just not progressed to as extreme a point. However, I could easily look at myself and realize that there were far too many times where I was on “the verge.” My mind seemed to work an awful lot like his and I could easily see myself in his shoes if a few of my scenario’s had been just a touch different or farther from home, culturally and physically. I felt extremely guilty for having been so judgmental and ignorant so many years ago, for what I was now certain would have contributed to a sense of isolation that I was sure he must have felt over the years.
I have come to realize not only how right my brother-in-law was, but also how brave and admirable he was for being willing to talk about it and exposing his own personal “flaw” for my sake. I have come to admire him tremendously for his effort to do the best HE can despite his illness. I have come to realize that there is not much of a line that separates the “insane” from the “sane.” In fact it is very possible that a mentally ill person who accepts it, deals with it, and makes the appropriate effort to live a mentally responsible life is likely much more sane then the multitude of masses who think they are above it, who think that they don’t relate, or who live oblivious and ignorantly in their superficial realities.
I am hyper-sensitive to many things, it has the ability to drive me nuts, but by acknowledging my intensities and sensitivities I can live responsibly and very well. Are you the same?
So that is the end and now I will explain about my bro-in-laws book that you can obtain a copy of through this link: http://www.bearcanyonpress.com/ .
The book that I referred to was the original unpublished version of "Enduring Well" (I was actually unaware of the "Into My Manic Mind" but I am excited to read it). I am not sure if some of what was in his original version is in the "Enduring Well" or "My Manic Mind" so honestly I'd say get both. The thing is when I read his book it gave me new awareness of how close I had potentially come to "insanity" and how to recognize some common early signs of danger. The descriptions of the break downs, that the publisher said were to "graphic" or a bit too much for the average reader, were exactly what I needed to help me be more aware of my own mental state. Ironically, in reference to the book that the Publisher published to be a self-help book, I have heard people say that it was a bit much for them and they had a hard time reading it because he was so much more extreme then they were. I realized instantly that it was because the publisher left out the background story and early symptoms, much of the detail that the publisher was afraid would be too much.
I remember Andy decided to self publish the original book because he felt it had a place and that his story could potentially help people. I would like to again say thank you to Andy because his willingness to share his "crazy life" has helped me from unknowingly getting too close to that breaking point myself.
And with that I wish you well and I hope that you enjoy the mental world that so many are more a part of than they realize.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
An Good Ornery Day for a new Butterfly
So today was a rather ornery day, I have to admit. I was short with my kids, a bit tired and cranky. I fell back into those nasty old habits of a short temper and a bit of immaturity. I have two things to share about that.
The easiest one to explain is that though today I was not the person I wish to be, I have at least been able to get through it easily as just an ornery day and not the end of the world. I somehow have been able to forgive myself and look forward to a good nights sleep and another day. I didn't even cry about it. That may sound really stupid but it's something that typically happens when I have an ornery day. That and my mind somehow turns me into the most pathetic pile of pooh on the face of this planet that really ought to be disposed of. The "dark" was kept at bay.
The second thing today made me want to mention was a recent meeting with my counselor. I was needing his very patient and positive reassurance and reminders of all the things that we have worked on because, first I felt a bit worried that in my new (well, new again) state I might be tempted to leave some loved ones behind, so-to-say. As well I had realized that though my "chemistry" had changed some of my bad habits that I think I assumed would disappear had not. That was interesting to me but not terribly discouraging, actually not at all, rather maybe a bit more encouraging because it makes it a bit easier to accept that it is a very physical thing. Anyway (can you tell that I am tired), my counselor gave me a very simple but very profound and excellent analogy. He said when a caterpillar goes through changes in the pupa phase it comes out as a butterfly, but when he first emerges from his cocoon he's going to notice that he no longer has a hundred legs and that is a very real loss. When he tries to get around it will be very different, he may still feel like a caterpillar. He can't even eat the same way or same things anymore. Though he has wings he's never had those before. In fact, previously he had been quite fat and low to the ground. He's going to have to learn how to use his new body, he's going to have to learn how to be a butterfly and he still might have caterpillar days. My counselor did a much better job, I'm sure but I hope you get the point.
I have to learn how to be a butterfly and now that I actually have the wings to be a butterfly I might be able to get off the ground this time. That is how I feel this time around. Last time I took medication it worked wonders but I still had some thinking/cognitive habits that needed to be corrected. That time around I was not real open to that. This time around I have the combination of medication and a better trained mind so I feel encouraged that the results will be very good. I am so very excited about life and the things that I can do. And it is beautiful because it's not an over the top kind of excitement that cannot possibly be maintained.
So I guess I am saying in a very tired, weird and scattered kind of way that it's been a good ornery day!
The easiest one to explain is that though today I was not the person I wish to be, I have at least been able to get through it easily as just an ornery day and not the end of the world. I somehow have been able to forgive myself and look forward to a good nights sleep and another day. I didn't even cry about it. That may sound really stupid but it's something that typically happens when I have an ornery day. That and my mind somehow turns me into the most pathetic pile of pooh on the face of this planet that really ought to be disposed of. The "dark" was kept at bay.
The second thing today made me want to mention was a recent meeting with my counselor. I was needing his very patient and positive reassurance and reminders of all the things that we have worked on because, first I felt a bit worried that in my new (well, new again) state I might be tempted to leave some loved ones behind, so-to-say. As well I had realized that though my "chemistry" had changed some of my bad habits that I think I assumed would disappear had not. That was interesting to me but not terribly discouraging, actually not at all, rather maybe a bit more encouraging because it makes it a bit easier to accept that it is a very physical thing. Anyway (can you tell that I am tired), my counselor gave me a very simple but very profound and excellent analogy. He said when a caterpillar goes through changes in the pupa phase it comes out as a butterfly, but when he first emerges from his cocoon he's going to notice that he no longer has a hundred legs and that is a very real loss. When he tries to get around it will be very different, he may still feel like a caterpillar. He can't even eat the same way or same things anymore. Though he has wings he's never had those before. In fact, previously he had been quite fat and low to the ground. He's going to have to learn how to use his new body, he's going to have to learn how to be a butterfly and he still might have caterpillar days. My counselor did a much better job, I'm sure but I hope you get the point.
I have to learn how to be a butterfly and now that I actually have the wings to be a butterfly I might be able to get off the ground this time. That is how I feel this time around. Last time I took medication it worked wonders but I still had some thinking/cognitive habits that needed to be corrected. That time around I was not real open to that. This time around I have the combination of medication and a better trained mind so I feel encouraged that the results will be very good. I am so very excited about life and the things that I can do. And it is beautiful because it's not an over the top kind of excitement that cannot possibly be maintained.
So I guess I am saying in a very tired, weird and scattered kind of way that it's been a good ornery day!
Saturday, March 28, 2009
A Day With Music
I think it is good to write about "the way I am" while I am freshly starting to experience "the change" with medication, it is easy to quickly forget how dramatically different it was because changes are not always that quick or visible.
Today I am listening to music. I don't usually like "background" noise because it is hard for me to separate myself from it. It is not that I don't enjoy it, it may be the other way around, I enjoy it too much.
You know how it is when you hear a song that really moves you. When I hear a song that I like or enjoy I feel very connected to that song, it is hard to separate my emotional or physical reaction to the song from the song and everyone who might be affiliated with it. In this way I can see how people become obsessed with celebrities, rock stars, artists, etc. It feels so personal so directed at you it is hard to believe that there is not a very real personal, spiritual, psychic or supernatural connection to that specific person. In fact it is that very natural reaction that feeds there success but for me it can be a bit too intense.
So today it is nice to listen to and enjoy some very good and pleasant music without being tempted to believe that this person must know and love me the way that I know and love their music. Thank you Pandora Radio. And thank you prescription medications.
Today I am listening to music. I don't usually like "background" noise because it is hard for me to separate myself from it. It is not that I don't enjoy it, it may be the other way around, I enjoy it too much.
You know how it is when you hear a song that really moves you. When I hear a song that I like or enjoy I feel very connected to that song, it is hard to separate my emotional or physical reaction to the song from the song and everyone who might be affiliated with it. In this way I can see how people become obsessed with celebrities, rock stars, artists, etc. It feels so personal so directed at you it is hard to believe that there is not a very real personal, spiritual, psychic or supernatural connection to that specific person. In fact it is that very natural reaction that feeds there success but for me it can be a bit too intense.
So today it is nice to listen to and enjoy some very good and pleasant music without being tempted to believe that this person must know and love me the way that I know and love their music. Thank you Pandora Radio. And thank you prescription medications.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
My simple definition of mental illness
So over the years I've noticed that it is hard for people to figure out what mental illness really is, what it means and what it looks like (and when I say people I mean mostly myself). The lack of education leaves many people living locked up in fear or allowed to behave in less then acceptable ways. We have become a society where deviance is acceptable as part of our character. We have become a society that feeds mental illness. There are many roots to this problem. And on an individual level we have an easier time accepting that we are a "bad" person or that "this is who I am even though I don't know if I like it," then we do accepting that we might be "mentally ill."
I think that mental illness looks very different then people realize this. It is possible that it is communicable. It is possible that there are varying degrees that can be treated quiet effectively with various different methods. It is possible that they may be prevented. It is possible that not all can be prevented but most can be managed. It is possible that mild problems can turn into something much worse if not properly cared for. In fact depression has been called the common cold of mental illness, it is my opinion that maybe we should consider it more like a common cold then we currently do. A cold effects every one at some time in their life. Most get over it with little added effort but it usually requires some effort, like extra vitamin's, extra water, extra sleep etc. Sometimes a cold turns into something worse but, generally speaking, we usually don't condemn that person. A cold is easily spread and we are more likely to catch it if we already have a weakened immune system. A cold can often be avoided but not always and not always easily. There are worse things then a cold even if it does move down into our lungs. I think it might be worthwhile to consider depression like this.
I'd also like to explain what I feel mental illness looks like. We all have experienced different chemical reactions within our own bodies. Some are easier to recognize then others. Some are more noticeable and easily recognizable while others are so regular and natural that we don't even notice them. I'll give some examples: The way our body uses and digests food, we don't really notice when we eat regularly the chemistry that is going on all the time but when we miss a few to many meals we sure can feel it. When we are "aroused" we can definitely feel something change in our bodies. If you have ever been excited, like a kid on Christmas, you can feel the endorphins or adrenaline or whatever it is. If you have ever run a race and you get to the final stretch, even though you feel like you have given it your all, when you see the finish line the adrenaline kicks in and you somehow can run faster, even sprint. When you are nervous or suddenly surprised. These are all chemical reaction that you can feel. They are very normal and useful, however it is also a very delicate balance and can easily be knocked out of whack. Imagination can change them, external stimuli can change them, things we eat can change them, just about everything can change them. Mental illness is when they are too extreme for the circumstance (too much chemicals'), when our body has a hard time maintaining that delicate balance, or when our imagination becomes a bit too powerful and takes over the body.
I believe in the mind, body, spirit connection in that they are, in essence, three separate things trying to co-exist in harmony. They will always have an effect on each other, like it or not. The important thing, though is not to think it is some horrible flaw of ours if they are not perfectly balanced. It is also important to put out the fire before we try to figure out what caused it. Even if we do know what caused the fire we still need to put it out unless we want to loose everything.
In my metaphoric opinion the biggest problem we have with mental illness today is all the children running around with matches and loaded weapons when, first off they have not been taught what they are, let alone proper fire and gun safety, and second their little bodies are not big enough or strong enough to hold the ski's in a snowplow so-to-speak. I'll expand on the latter; though it may be fun to take them skiing, though they may enjoy it and though introducing them early may lead them to be an Olympic skier, we can't expect them to hold a snow plow when their leg muscles have not developed to that point. And surely we wouldn't leave them to figure it out on there own. So it is with mental health.
... and that is all I have to say about that.
I think that mental illness looks very different then people realize this. It is possible that it is communicable. It is possible that there are varying degrees that can be treated quiet effectively with various different methods. It is possible that they may be prevented. It is possible that not all can be prevented but most can be managed. It is possible that mild problems can turn into something much worse if not properly cared for. In fact depression has been called the common cold of mental illness, it is my opinion that maybe we should consider it more like a common cold then we currently do. A cold effects every one at some time in their life. Most get over it with little added effort but it usually requires some effort, like extra vitamin's, extra water, extra sleep etc. Sometimes a cold turns into something worse but, generally speaking, we usually don't condemn that person. A cold is easily spread and we are more likely to catch it if we already have a weakened immune system. A cold can often be avoided but not always and not always easily. There are worse things then a cold even if it does move down into our lungs. I think it might be worthwhile to consider depression like this.
I'd also like to explain what I feel mental illness looks like. We all have experienced different chemical reactions within our own bodies. Some are easier to recognize then others. Some are more noticeable and easily recognizable while others are so regular and natural that we don't even notice them. I'll give some examples: The way our body uses and digests food, we don't really notice when we eat regularly the chemistry that is going on all the time but when we miss a few to many meals we sure can feel it. When we are "aroused" we can definitely feel something change in our bodies. If you have ever been excited, like a kid on Christmas, you can feel the endorphins or adrenaline or whatever it is. If you have ever run a race and you get to the final stretch, even though you feel like you have given it your all, when you see the finish line the adrenaline kicks in and you somehow can run faster, even sprint. When you are nervous or suddenly surprised. These are all chemical reaction that you can feel. They are very normal and useful, however it is also a very delicate balance and can easily be knocked out of whack. Imagination can change them, external stimuli can change them, things we eat can change them, just about everything can change them. Mental illness is when they are too extreme for the circumstance (too much chemicals'), when our body has a hard time maintaining that delicate balance, or when our imagination becomes a bit too powerful and takes over the body.
I believe in the mind, body, spirit connection in that they are, in essence, three separate things trying to co-exist in harmony. They will always have an effect on each other, like it or not. The important thing, though is not to think it is some horrible flaw of ours if they are not perfectly balanced. It is also important to put out the fire before we try to figure out what caused it. Even if we do know what caused the fire we still need to put it out unless we want to loose everything.
In my metaphoric opinion the biggest problem we have with mental illness today is all the children running around with matches and loaded weapons when, first off they have not been taught what they are, let alone proper fire and gun safety, and second their little bodies are not big enough or strong enough to hold the ski's in a snowplow so-to-speak. I'll expand on the latter; though it may be fun to take them skiing, though they may enjoy it and though introducing them early may lead them to be an Olympic skier, we can't expect them to hold a snow plow when their leg muscles have not developed to that point. And surely we wouldn't leave them to figure it out on there own. So it is with mental health.
... and that is all I have to say about that.
Monday, March 23, 2009
I'd rather Say It and be Wrong then Not Say It and be Right: beware of the Ups
Often e-mails I write turn into something entirely different then intended, that is just how I work. Today I want to share some bits of one that did just that.
"I find that I do great with just about everything, then don't maintain it and find myself at the bottom where I will start doing EVERYTHING at the same time again to get me up, which it does, but once again I can't maintain it and I come sliding back down (if not crashing). I believe that this is probably a pretty normal cycle but it is just a bit too extreme for me and good or bad my mind turns to death as the answer to everything even though I think it is a totally lame answer and I don't really agree with it or want to die. It is weird and hard to explain, I don't particularly care for it.
I have to admit, when medication starts working it is hard not to think that everyone could use it. I think that is me still holding on to a bit of pride and not wanting to be "different" as well as being genuinely concerned that someone else may be suffering needlessly.
I have mostly decided that one of my philosophy's is: I don't want to assume that I know how another person will take/use/need what I have to say, but if I know it is important I'll put it out there and let them be the judge for themselves. I'd rather say it and be wrong then not say it and be right."
Which brings me to a point I'd like to make, one that I don't recall ever being warned of or educated on from any of the books I've skimmed and read, in any of the meetings I've had with various counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc; It is something I have had to figure out on my own from both my own experience and the experiences of others. Yet it is a bit of information that I think could be profoundly helpful in preventing a whole lot of difficult and dreadful occurrence's. It is this: Beware of the ups.
The ups can be more dangerous and frightening if there is a chemical imbalance but until you have been through a few yourself or you have seen a few that are close to you, you really don't know what to watch out for or even to watch out at all.
So I want to say: If you find yourself cycling or rapid cycling, then beware of the ups, an overly inflated ego or sense of self, and/or euphoric type feelings. It is hard to think that there might be a problem when you are in an up but ups take many forms and since we are often feeling so good in an up it is all too often too late before we realize that things aren't quiet as they seem. Ups can also be impatience and a short fuse. Ups can even be narcissistic (I can do no wrong). Ups can give you the energy you need to fulfil desires for some of those not-so-good obsessions.
Ups can be good, but up or down or anywhere in between, we need a core set of value's, a sense of right and wrong that we can cling to even when that is not who we are at the moment. When we feel that we are not who or what we know we should be and/or genuinely want to be, we don't change our value's, we seek help. That is the mentally responsible thing to do.
Though I don't entirely know what was going on with my brother it is apparent that he died in an up cycle.
So if I've burst a bubble or two I am sorry, don't mistake what I am saying for "you can't be happy," but rather learn to recognize chemically induced ups. Then you will be able to find a happy that is genuine and lasting (and for some of us, quite refreshing- even if we may find ourselves asking if this might be a little boring ;)).
"I find that I do great with just about everything, then don't maintain it and find myself at the bottom where I will start doing EVERYTHING at the same time again to get me up, which it does, but once again I can't maintain it and I come sliding back down (if not crashing). I believe that this is probably a pretty normal cycle but it is just a bit too extreme for me and good or bad my mind turns to death as the answer to everything even though I think it is a totally lame answer and I don't really agree with it or want to die. It is weird and hard to explain, I don't particularly care for it.
I have to admit, when medication starts working it is hard not to think that everyone could use it. I think that is me still holding on to a bit of pride and not wanting to be "different" as well as being genuinely concerned that someone else may be suffering needlessly.
I have mostly decided that one of my philosophy's is: I don't want to assume that I know how another person will take/use/need what I have to say, but if I know it is important I'll put it out there and let them be the judge for themselves. I'd rather say it and be wrong then not say it and be right."
Which brings me to a point I'd like to make, one that I don't recall ever being warned of or educated on from any of the books I've skimmed and read, in any of the meetings I've had with various counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc; It is something I have had to figure out on my own from both my own experience and the experiences of others. Yet it is a bit of information that I think could be profoundly helpful in preventing a whole lot of difficult and dreadful occurrence's. It is this: Beware of the ups.
The ups can be more dangerous and frightening if there is a chemical imbalance but until you have been through a few yourself or you have seen a few that are close to you, you really don't know what to watch out for or even to watch out at all.
So I want to say: If you find yourself cycling or rapid cycling, then beware of the ups, an overly inflated ego or sense of self, and/or euphoric type feelings. It is hard to think that there might be a problem when you are in an up but ups take many forms and since we are often feeling so good in an up it is all too often too late before we realize that things aren't quiet as they seem. Ups can also be impatience and a short fuse. Ups can even be narcissistic (I can do no wrong). Ups can give you the energy you need to fulfil desires for some of those not-so-good obsessions.
Ups can be good, but up or down or anywhere in between, we need a core set of value's, a sense of right and wrong that we can cling to even when that is not who we are at the moment. When we feel that we are not who or what we know we should be and/or genuinely want to be, we don't change our value's, we seek help. That is the mentally responsible thing to do.
Though I don't entirely know what was going on with my brother it is apparent that he died in an up cycle.
So if I've burst a bubble or two I am sorry, don't mistake what I am saying for "you can't be happy," but rather learn to recognize chemically induced ups. Then you will be able to find a happy that is genuine and lasting (and for some of us, quite refreshing- even if we may find ourselves asking if this might be a little boring ;)).
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Noticing Change
So I remember when I first got put on anti-depressants (as they are most commonly called though I dare say they treat far more then what is typically thought of as depression) and how new and novel some of the changes I went through were. It's seems that my new medication is working efficiently and I'm starting to recognize some of the newness of "normalcy" and an extended levelness. My husband worries that it won't last. I'm not worried though, because, while to an outside perspective things may not seem very different, I can tell you that on the inside things are dramatically different. Yes, before I seemed to experience plenty of good days and level times but I have to admit that those periods were very short lived and still mixed at least daily with some sort of extreme or overly intense emotion. While that is not always a bad thing, it is helpful to realize that it is not only exhausting but also not possible to live with a kids-on-Christmas-morning type of emotional level/intensity/reaction every day. But currently I've noticed that things that typically would send me into and emotional or psychological extreme have not. They are just normal everyday experiences and that is refreshing.
I will give a few examples of this.
Last night we watched a movie with the kids and the introduction had a known visual and musical prelude that can evoke a powerful emotional response that we often associate with the magic and excitement of youth, possibilities and imagination. This is what the music is intended to do however for me, as an adult, it is a bit silly (and a bit much) that it would inevitably invoke a reaction so intense it bring me to tears and cause me to cross over into the "fairytale" part of my mind, once again believing, with all intent and purpose, that all things are possible if only we believe, that my kids will behave perfectly if I only smile, sing and keep my chin up like a fairytale princess. I 'd feel these things so intensely and clearly only to be frustrated and angered when it didn't happen that way. My patience snapping instantly and harshly as things did not magically conform to my fantasy desires. Then of course to be followed by the eminent disappointment with the harsh "realities" of life and my short comings.
Despite having been through this scenario many-a-time in my life, such a prelude or movie or whatever would still evoke such a reaction from me. But last night, I noticed the absence of such an extreme emotional response. For a moment I wondered if I missed the "magic." I didn't. It was still a powerful piece of music that reminded me of the magic of youth and I enjoyed it but it was not SOOO impacting.
- just now, as I am here, intently in my zone writing flowing and concentrated, my daughter starts repeatedly calling me from her room. Normally, in such a zone, I would snap angrily and be incredibly annoyed by the interruption to my thoughts and effort. This time I was still a bit annoyed but I was able to simply say "what," and effectively detract my attention to her just enough to answer her request.
I have made contact with old friends-it has been exciting even exhilarating - but I am not completely obsessed with them. I went to a party with my husbands extended family and I felt fine the whole time even when I did feel a little out of place. After we left my mind had enjoyed the night and that was that, I didn't have to rehash everything in my brain and make sure I said everything just so I didn't feel anxiety of this or that or question what I choose to bring, it was just a pleasant get together and that was it.
I have watched a few movies and not been totally disturbed by the deeper meaning or the messages they are trying to get across. I have been too bed late and eaten sugar too early, and though my transgressions still have an effect, it is not potentially life threatening or debilitating. I am not a neurotic mess. I don't mind if people have something to say about me and when I say the wrong thing it is not a crime punishable by death.
These are small victories but they are becoming more regular, more normal and I am enjoying them. Similar to the first time I was put on medication I have found that even though I thought I was still "in control" I had no idea how bad of shape I really was in. It is nice to have a second chance.
I didn't know what racing thoughts were until I STOPPED having them. I didn't understand how intense anxiety could be until it let up a little in me. I didn't understand sleep disturbances until I actually had a good night sleep more then once. I didn't recognize decreased energy until I had good energy. I didn't know what "depression" was until I was out of it. I didn't understand mania or hypo-mania until I had a definition AND something to compare it to. I DID NOT understand "CHEMICAL IMBALANCE" until I WAS BALANCED. It is nice to feel balanced. And now I can sure see and understand chemical reactions. They happen all the time in our bodies but some of then are TOO MUCH (or not enough).
... and that is all I have to say about that.
(for now anyway)
I will give a few examples of this.
Last night we watched a movie with the kids and the introduction had a known visual and musical prelude that can evoke a powerful emotional response that we often associate with the magic and excitement of youth, possibilities and imagination. This is what the music is intended to do however for me, as an adult, it is a bit silly (and a bit much) that it would inevitably invoke a reaction so intense it bring me to tears and cause me to cross over into the "fairytale" part of my mind, once again believing, with all intent and purpose, that all things are possible if only we believe, that my kids will behave perfectly if I only smile, sing and keep my chin up like a fairytale princess. I 'd feel these things so intensely and clearly only to be frustrated and angered when it didn't happen that way. My patience snapping instantly and harshly as things did not magically conform to my fantasy desires. Then of course to be followed by the eminent disappointment with the harsh "realities" of life and my short comings.
Despite having been through this scenario many-a-time in my life, such a prelude or movie or whatever would still evoke such a reaction from me. But last night, I noticed the absence of such an extreme emotional response. For a moment I wondered if I missed the "magic." I didn't. It was still a powerful piece of music that reminded me of the magic of youth and I enjoyed it but it was not SOOO impacting.
- just now, as I am here, intently in my zone writing flowing and concentrated, my daughter starts repeatedly calling me from her room. Normally, in such a zone, I would snap angrily and be incredibly annoyed by the interruption to my thoughts and effort. This time I was still a bit annoyed but I was able to simply say "what," and effectively detract my attention to her just enough to answer her request.
I have made contact with old friends-it has been exciting even exhilarating - but I am not completely obsessed with them. I went to a party with my husbands extended family and I felt fine the whole time even when I did feel a little out of place. After we left my mind had enjoyed the night and that was that, I didn't have to rehash everything in my brain and make sure I said everything just so I didn't feel anxiety of this or that or question what I choose to bring, it was just a pleasant get together and that was it.
I have watched a few movies and not been totally disturbed by the deeper meaning or the messages they are trying to get across. I have been too bed late and eaten sugar too early, and though my transgressions still have an effect, it is not potentially life threatening or debilitating. I am not a neurotic mess. I don't mind if people have something to say about me and when I say the wrong thing it is not a crime punishable by death.
These are small victories but they are becoming more regular, more normal and I am enjoying them. Similar to the first time I was put on medication I have found that even though I thought I was still "in control" I had no idea how bad of shape I really was in. It is nice to have a second chance.
I didn't know what racing thoughts were until I STOPPED having them. I didn't understand how intense anxiety could be until it let up a little in me. I didn't understand sleep disturbances until I actually had a good night sleep more then once. I didn't recognize decreased energy until I had good energy. I didn't know what "depression" was until I was out of it. I didn't understand mania or hypo-mania until I had a definition AND something to compare it to. I DID NOT understand "CHEMICAL IMBALANCE" until I WAS BALANCED. It is nice to feel balanced. And now I can sure see and understand chemical reactions. They happen all the time in our bodies but some of then are TOO MUCH (or not enough).
... and that is all I have to say about that.
(for now anyway)
Thursday, March 19, 2009
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