An Good Ornery Day for a new Butterfly

So today was a rather ornery day, I have to admit. I was short with my kids, a bit tired and cranky. I fell back into those nasty old habits of a short temper and a bit of immaturity. I have two things to share about that.
The easiest one to explain is that though today I was not the person I wish to be, I have at least been able to get through it easily as just an ornery day and not the end of the world. I somehow have been able to forgive myself and look forward to a good nights sleep and another day. I didn't even cry about it. That may sound really stupid but it's something that typically happens when I have an ornery day. That and my mind somehow turns me into the most pathetic pile of pooh on the face of this planet that really ought to be disposed of. The "dark" was kept at bay.

The second thing today made me want to mention was a recent meeting with my counselor. I was needing his very patient and positive reassurance and reminders of all the things that we have worked on because, first I felt a bit worried that in my new (well, new again) state I might be tempted to leave some loved ones behind, so-to-say. As well I had realized that though my "chemistry" had changed some of my bad habits that I think I assumed would disappear had not. That was interesting to me but not terribly discouraging, actually not at all, rather maybe a bit more encouraging because it makes it a bit easier to accept that it is a very physical thing. Anyway (can you tell that I am tired), my counselor gave me a very simple but very profound and excellent analogy. He said when a caterpillar goes through changes in the pupa phase it comes out as a butterfly, but when he first emerges from his cocoon he's going to notice that he no longer has a hundred legs and that is a very real loss. When he tries to get around it will be very different, he may still feel like a caterpillar. He can't even eat the same way or same things anymore. Though he has wings he's never had those before. In fact, previously he had been quite fat and low to the ground. He's going to have to learn how to use his new body, he's going to have to learn how to be a butterfly and he still might have caterpillar days. My counselor did a much better job, I'm sure but I hope you get the point.
I have to learn how to be a butterfly and now that I actually have the wings to be a butterfly I might be able to get off the ground this time. That is how I feel this time around. Last time I took medication it worked wonders but I still had some thinking/cognitive habits that needed to be corrected. That time around I was not real open to that. This time around I have the combination of medication and a better trained mind so I feel encouraged that the results will be very good. I am so very excited about life and the things that I can do. And it is beautiful because it's not an over the top kind of excitement that cannot possibly be maintained.
So I guess I am saying in a very tired, weird and scattered kind of way that it's been a good ornery day!