Only time will tell

 Sometimes very small things can be quite surprising. 

I am writing. Working on "the book" that I keep promising random strangers and many people I know that I will write for them.  The story of how my therapist broke me ...and how I may have broken him. A story of forbidden love ...or was it grooming? Regardless, when coupled with an actual, misdiagnosed brain injury, it nearly cost my life. 

Obviously I will need to change names. From this blog you will see that I clearly have trouble committing to substitute names and sometimes I have felt it is too overwhelming a burden to come up with appropriate and fitting replacement names. Especially for Dr. He, JP, Perri Cheri, the master marionette that broke me. I am not feeling that so much anymore. So today as I am reading and revising some of what I have already written I am changing his actual name to what I have decided is an acceptable replacement name. 

And it is rather surprising how satisfying it feels to erase his actual name and put in its place a replacement name. It takes the edge off and redirects my attached emotions that still want me to believe in the illusion created. As I write about it now he is becoming a story and the fictitious person he really was. A fictional character that I am not actually attached to. 

This is a happy and liberating moment for me and I am savoring it. Which is also why I came on here to share. 

Rewriting the story is now taking the edge off. Maybe that is when you are finally ready to take on a previously insurmountable task undertaking. Maybe this how you know it is safe for you to proceed and it is time. 

Time to tell your story. 

and 

Time to write the book. 

Tiny Victories will eventually add up if you keep on fighting, trying, working, practicing. 

and Living. 

Life's Lots

 A cousin who, to me, is absolutely amazing, recently vented on Instagram that she is tired of hearing people complain about their lot in life. Very few people can get away with saying something like this, however she can because she has had to rise above, again and again, very devastating, heartbreaking and unbelievably unfair circumstances. But still I was hesitant to offer a "like" to her post because I think it highly likely I can be perceived as one of those whom she is complaining about... 

Silly, really, why that would keep me from encouraging a post like this, but I guess that is precisely where my conflict lies: Do I want to encourage a post like this? Coming from this particular person it is more meaningful and not condemning and I know that, but do others? My main concern is that there are people whose lot in life needs to be talked about and brought to light in order to change some very bad policies, practices, and societal norms that are creating bad lots for other people too. 

I have been reflecting on my lot in life and my complaints about it and this is the conclusion I have come to: I am not all that bothered by my lot in life. Would I rather have a different lot? If I could hand pick my lot in life, you bet I would choose something different. However, that does not mean I feel sorry for myself for my lot in life. On the contrary I think my lot in life has been pretty incredible in so many ways and I feel very fortunate that I have my particular lot. What I am most "dissatisfied" with or maybe, rather, what really bothers me most about my lot in life is how other people treat and even perceive me because of it, as is so plainly evidenced by so many aspects of my recent circumstances. 

This harsh reality of my misfit and even misunderstood status to people who do not know me was countered the other day when I was hanging out with my 17 year old daughter. She was sharing with me a game she likes to play on her phone that is all about making outfits for beautiful anime style characters.  As she was looking through some of the designs she shared with me one that she said reminds her of me. She pointed out the features and explained why they reminded her of me. Here she is:

It is very meaningful to me that my daughter, somebody who lives with me everyday and has seen me at my best, my worst and everything in between, and somebody that knows me better than anyone else, perceives me to be angelic, beautiful, and so many others things that this picture embodies. 

And that is what really mattes. As long as my kids see me as something beautiful and, as my son demonstrated, someone worth standing up for, than I know I am still okay. It is nice to know that those who actually know me, know that I am not what our cultural and societal biases want to make me out to be. I hope that others may someday see and understand that better and not condemn and discriminate against people so easily for the unfortunate and/or unchosen aspects of their lot in life.

No Complaint

 Decision. 

It has been so hard for me to do. 

"That is why I have not encouraged you one way or another," says Dr. She. Because she knows, as history has shown, that it is not likely to go anywhere that will benefit me in any way. She is also a bit concerned that this reality would be another hit to my self worth, esteem, and faith in humanity. 

Faith in humanity -I'll be tangential for a moment- is not something I currently have. Faith in God and higher powers is where I am choosing to put my trust, because humans, I have learned, cannot be trusted and all with turn depending on the circumstances, some more easily than others. So that does not seem to matter, the faith in humanity component, except that for some strange Taoist reason it still does. 

So what is the "it" I speak of?

The complaints I feel need to be filed against the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute, the mysterious "director" who shall not be named (they would not name him/her to me, which is rather suspicious when you consider that he/she was the supposed judge of the "investigation" they had me do through their "patient experiences team" ), the office director Melissa Minton, my multiple times misdiagnosing and then negligent ex-medical doctor Dr. Cara Camiolo Reddy, my misdiagnosing and possibly grooming ex-neuropsychologist Dr. Jon Pertab, the deceptive and dishonest patient advocate Jodi Allen, and the rest of the obviously gossipy staff there. Complaints that should be filed with licensing boards, legal authorities, etc. 

I feel as though this is coming out in a rather kersplat-splat form, so please bear with me... Maybe I will simply list the points I'd like to make here; the confession I am confessing (in no particular order, or maybe precisely in order, I don't quite know as kersplat-splat I go):

• I am naming names on this blog entry, my freedom of speech needing to be honored and protected in order to hold accountable, in someway, those who caused harm to me and are very likely to have caused and are currently causing harm to others as well. A person is rarely the only one in such situations and considering how it was handled, it is very obvious I am not the only one being harmed by IHC and/or the Intermountain Neuroscience Institutes policies, practices and providers. I have vacillated on naming names and currently names have been replaced throughout my blog, to protect myself, but on this entry they stay. 
• They stay, because I will not be reporting to all of those places. I know I have said I will and it should all be reported, but I have tested those waters by reporting the attorney that misrepresented himself as a malpractice attorney and for $1500 wrote a response to the letter from the bullying lawyer who claimed to be representing Jon Pertab, Jodi Allen and the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute, and then acted for months as if he were collecting records and gathering reports from expert witnesses. With the exception of the initial contract and the letter that simply stated we will not cease and desist and that he was investigating, nothing ever materialized. When it became obvious he was not ever going to follow through with anything he said he was going to do we fired him. Neither records nor refund have ever materialized even though we requested both several times. So, I decided to test the waters on this lesser but clear, obvious and straightforward offense. Nothing. Why bother reporting if nothing comes of it? 
• That just causes more harm to me. 
• And it also has the potential to feed the beastly IHC practices of dishonesty and deception. If they can get away with it, they will continue. 
• Even if they were "honest mistakes" (which many clearly were not) they will feel as if they are the victim and further stigmatize and distrust their patients who are not what they mistakenly and egregiously think they are. In other words, they will feel/believe the Magnificent Masterminds of the Medical Malpractice Model, their unnecessary attorneys, and continue in those thinking and perception errors that cause so much harm to their patients. 
• In regards to the possibly not-so-honest mistakes, for example, if Jon Pertab really is a mischievous manipulative mastermind who grooms patients for his own pleasures, then his ego, sense of power and confidence in what he can get away with may be stroked to the next level by knowing just how easily he can and does get away with it. His power over his clients and sense of superiority greatly increased as my value and worth, power and voice is repeatedly invalidated, ignored, and decreased.  Yang devouring Yin as it so often does in this world of masculine favoring disproportions. 
• I know it is ridiculous and completely unrealistic but I still would rather work things out with that Institution and those named above than be their enemy. I would happily revise this, I would happily revise my google reviews, I would love for them to be what I originally believed them to be, and I would rather help them to become it. I want them to help people in ways they have potential to, so I suppose I also don't report because I still have a shred of hope for that. I hope they are honest but misguided. I hope they can be better than they have been. I hope they will choose to correct their mistakes instead of digging their heels in and perpetuating harm... as I right it I know how unrealistic that is, they have proven so solidly that they really just don't care.... but I would rather cling to a thread of hope then have that thread severed by the last possible level of "accountability" also disregarding the problems that cost me too much and nearly my life. 

So, my confession? I will not be reporting. It seems rather pointless to put my energies there and to hope that any good will come of it. Instead I have done what I can by publishing reviews on google and writing on this here blog. That is more likely to help other patients and potential patients than going through their motions and trying to report to the other powers and egos that they pay licensing fees to. 

IHC sadly solidly maintains their position of "absolute power corrupts absolutely," and a person as small as me holds no sway. It is sad and heartbreaking the lack of honesty and accountability by so many involved, and I hope they are better than they have proven to be with me, but it is time for me to move past this idea of reporting so my mind can be free to work on the things that I can do that actually might go somewhere and benefit others. 

...And this idea makes me feel happy and lighter.  

So no complaint, but rather I will rely on my constitutional right to Freedom of Speech. 

annoyed

 Tired but not sleeping.

 I have been doing so well. Especially since upping my dose of quetiapine another 100mg. So why am I not sleeping. Lying in bed, tired, but sleep is eluding me... My mind, although it is not racing it still won't sleep.

Prior to, going to bed, I was feeling those feelings a bit again. Annoying. And baffling. Why on earth does my mind play that way, even still, at certain times and for no seeming reason at all? Perplexing. And even a bit fascinating. The trap. 

Annoyed also by the media's portrayal again and again of "bipolar" and the "mentally ill." At least this time, in the reference watched, they included a quote from a judge, the court, or some knowledgeable professional who pointed out that many people have the same diagnosis and mental illnesses but that they do not do things so egregious as the person in this show - the person that those narrating keep reminding us is "mentally ill" in so many ways that suggest that is the reason for this persons wretchedness. It is not. So I am glad for the statement, but one statement does little to counter the previous and following slew of biased and bigoted statements against the bipolar demographics of our societies. 

I am so tired of this. 

Bipolar does not make one bad, evil, or criminal and many many bad, evil, and criminal people are not at all bipolar. 

It's very misunderstood. 

And very likely there are various kinds, more than just I and II. I'd even be willing to wager my insurance settlement (that is a fraction of what it should be) that there are ways to measure true manic episodes with brain imaging, hormone levels and/or some other physiological means. I bet, if those 0h-so-brilliant doctors and scientist would start consistently testing they would find more significant and common patterns emerging. Patterns that they could then use to predict, measure, and even diagnose. I bet they'd then find that they can better and more accurately treat the varieties and conditions of bipolar in ways that are much more effective and efficient and that would benefit everyone greatly. 

Annoyed. 

I am annoyed that so much science, reason, and common decency is lacking for those with this burden to bare. 

"Is this why I am not sleeping?" I wonder. But alas, it is not. Such annoyances no longer cause sleepless nights. A bit sad is the reality of what that means, which is that it is TOO DAMN COMMON. 

But still, this is not why I am still tired but wired wide awake. 

"Damn drugs," I growl as I remember the side-track that kept me from taking them tonight.

"Stupid, dumb Seroquel..." I curse as I roll out of bed and sulk down the stairs to my cocktail cabinet to find my begrudged drug of choice. 

begrudged and beloved... I am both sad and glad to have it. 

It is still very strange to me just how much I need it and how much of a miracle it has been and continues to be...

I am knotting and tearing now as I reflect on this journey but only enough to keep me safely in check. I am so sad that I need it as much as I do and both surprised and disappointed that my brain is still so fragile that even forgetting one night I won't sleep and cycles return...

So sad that this is my new norm. And that I have to keep facing it with so much oppression and so many oppressive misunderstandings and misrepresentations. So sad and mad at the injustices that I am not allowed a fair fight or representation in. 

Cache County prosecution; the new oppressive regime. They attempted to criminalize me for nothing I did, the harsh punishment and trials of their "honest mistake" falling solely on me (and my family). Yet, even with admission from the horses mouth of the horses who acted criminally against me, they say the evidence is "too subjective" to file charges or even to investigate for the crimes against me and my family that actually in reality happened and have caused us significant harm. Their transgressions are not subjectively interpreted misdeeds made by a child or stories made up and then attempted to prove; they are actually committed and documented violations of my, and possibly my son's, civil and legal rights. So why aren't they criminally charging now?

It is enough to drive a person insane. Gaslighting their fun little game. (and actually the most likely culprit for the needed upping of doses.)

Freaking jack asses and puppets of masses. Good ole boys club, each others ego's to rub. and whatever else they demand from each other. I'd rather stay out of that perverted matrix of misogyny anyway. 

...Kicking in. I'm tired again. And this time in the form that will actually allow me to sleep. Good night. 

Civil Rights and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

 Dr. Martin Luther King Junior is one of my all time greatest heroes. I have so much admiration for him and he offers so much insight and inspiration. 

I love that man.

Right now I am trying to help my daughter with her IB IAs, EEs, HL's, cc's eps or whatever the heck they are... what I know is it is a ton of research and writing and, with all she has been doing and the the stupid ways Covid has effected her education, it is an awful big load for her. So one way she asked me to help is to read some of Dr. Kings works so I could discuss with her the topic she is presenting for one those previously referenced acronym labeled papers. This is a way I am happy and excited to help. 

I am now reading MLK's Letter From Birmingham Jail. I have read this letter before and was absolutely blown away by it and by Dr. King and that is happening again as I read it this time. 

His tenacity and commitment to his cause is so impressive. This is a black man who managed to obtain a Phd at a time when that was virtually impossible and there were even laws in place to make this even more difficult. Yet he did. But this is significant for many more reasons then most will initially recognize and one of those reasons is because it means that Dr. King was in a significantly better position then the people he was standing up for and standing with. He could have easily enjoyed certain levels of privilege and freedom that other racial minorities seldom did, and he even could have benefitted all the more for it in numerous ways if he wanted to. But he did not place himself above his "colored" kin nor was he willing to capitalize on their tragedies. He was held and high esteem and regard by many people from both black and white demographics, but he would not bask in this glory for his own gain, rather he used it to help his repressed and underprivileged peers. 

And he did it with so much strength of character, vigor, and commitment that I am awe inspired every time I read about him or from him. 

He served jail time for such unjust reasons, yet it did not deter him. He was threatened, his house was bombed, and abused, yet he kept going and kept fighting. (https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/peace/1964/king/biographical/ He endured so much.

So, for many reasons, I am brought to tears as I read and think about this great man. One of those reasons is because of how I can relate. It has shocked me at time's how well he describes some of the exact things I -a white female so many years later- am enduring. In his Letter From Birmingham Jail he says:

"I MUST make two honest confessions to you, my Christian and Jewish brothers. First, I must confess that over the last few years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate. I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro's great stumbling block in the stride toward freedom is not the White Citizens Councillor or the Ku Klux Klanner but the white moderate who is more devoted to order than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says, "I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I can't agree with your methods of direct action"; who paternalistically feels that he can set the timetable for another man's freedom; who lives by the myth of time; and who constantly advises the Negro to wait until a "more convenient season." Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection."

Now lets substitute a few words:

"I MUST make two honest confessions to you, my [fellow public service sector workers]. First, I must confess that over the last few years I have been gravely disappointed with the [TBI and/or psychological industry professionals]. I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the [TBI survivor and/or "mentally ill" person's] great stumbling block in the stride toward freedom [, healing, recovery, and fair treatment]  is not the [average ignorant and discriminating people we face everyday] but the [TBI and/or psychological industry professionals and law enforcement officials] who [are] more devoted to order than to justice; who prefer a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says, "I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I can't agree with your methods of direct action"; who paternalistically feels that he can set the timetable for another man's freedom; who lives by the myth of time; and who constantly advises the [TBI survivor and/or "mentally ill person"] to wait until a "more convenient season." Shallow understanding from people of good will [and who are supposed to be the professionals on your condition] is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection." 

...and now I need sleep because this can be a lot for my brain to handle... the disadvantage that I have that Dr. King did not have and one of the main reasons I cry and am crying now as I read his great works. I physically cannot fight the way he did... the very disadvantage that has me fighting and wanting to be as strong as MLK are what keeps me from being able to AND what keeps my people stuck in the ignorant stigma's and biases that keep us underserved, underprivileged, disadvantaged, misunderstood, taken advantage of, abused, and repressed...

time to step away. I am exploding out of my eyes again...

Injustices are tolerated, accepted and even expected for my kind and the biggest resent-able difference between my plight and that of Dr. King's is that we (my people) are not really told to "wait until a 'more convenient time,'" rather we are told, "that's just how it is." My civil rights are an easy century behind the civil rights of women in general and minority races....

So I fight, as week as it is, and I hope someday civil rights of all people will be protected and I wonder if it would have been better to have let my criminal charges go to court; if by doing that I may have found some protection in the upset of the judge at his prosecuting attorney's being up to no good. But who knows who is really part of the Cache County good'ol'boys club.. 

Modern day crusader, reframer, or is it PTS?

 Reframing your thinking is a really great skill to have. ... and I think this entry is going to be, as Renée would put it, a kersplat-splat kind of entry.

Crusader. 

More than once I have been labeled as such. But I don't really think of myself as that. I struggle to get out of bed too much to be a crusader. And I struggle to find the energy and will to keep trying and keep fighting.  I lose my steam and hide away far too much to be a crusader. 

Two days ago my attorney friend called me this, a crusader. Then I met with my dear sweet friend Renée who has called me a Joan of Arc. So I found myself reflecting on this idea and, as you see from the previous paragraph, that today's conclusion is that I am not really a crusader. But these thoughts are my thoughts today as I try to find in me the strength to make certain phone calls and write to certain people. 

Kersplat and rewind to the day before yesterday, when I tell my husband that my attorney friend says I am a crusader. He says, "I've told you that before."  This feeds the epiphany of that moment which was, "Well, if I am crusader then let me be a crusader." Not that my husband was discouraging it, rather, I was speaking to myself. 

Earlier that day, with Renée, she reminded me and helped me to reframe my thinking. She did not mean to, she just has that kind of positive influence when she shares her story and shows me how she is handling it. Her story is so tragic and her tiny female frame has endured far more than any person should ever have to go through, yet she is still so kind and generous. She keeps trying and keeps working on herself and what she can do. She has to choose everyday to wake up and be a warrior in ways that few will ever understand or appreciate. Renée is choosing to fight by trying to speak out in ways that highlight the positive of the victims. She has very righteous indignation and has suffered injustices that are beyond appalling from individuals and the systems that are supposed to protect her. Yet she is reframing in order to handle it in ways that keep rage and anger from over-powering her and turning her into a similar creature of destruction. I am so impressed by how massively amazing this tiny little lady is. 

And this is how she helped to me reframe two days ago: I do not need to keep fighting, I just need to keep speaking. 

So I couple that with the crusader comments and that is what led to the epiphany of: I might as well crusade if I am a crusader....

But crusading these days and in this country looks very different than it did in Joan of Arc's days. 

And today, as I struggle -as I mentioned earlier-, as I fight to overcome the "learned helplessness" and the beat-downs of the injustices, I am certain, that I am not a crusader... I am only a tired old lady who won't shut up and is haunted by PTS (post-traumatic-stress) when I try to.  -PTS, that is what Dr. She pointed out to me yesterday. That is what it she says the haunting is, and this makes sense.  

damned if I do and damned if I don't

2:06 pm and I still haven't gone for a walk. I made 1 phone call, left a message. I took a nap before that. And I look at my front door... too scared to leave. A new sort of homebody that I have never been before. This is not me. I not really scared... and yet it is and I am. 

too scared to leave, too scared to follow through with the many projects I have started. I am not a crusader... I am just a victim.

It's not what I want to be, but right now that is all that I am. No voice, no one listening, and no fights being won. A crusader is only a crusader if they are heard and if they have some power of influence. 

Furthermore, I don't think that standing up for oneself really makes one a crusader. Being a victim who won't shut up about it, is not at all the same as a crusader... It's just a person trying to not be a victim anymore. That is very different.

I am not a crusader. I am scared and scarred and today I give up and I give in. 

Did Bipolar Kill Elisa Lam?

 Bipolar.

It's a life threatening illness that people don't dare talk about. Or maybe just I don't dare talk about it in regards to me... I have learned, it brings trouble and people will use it against you. But it needs to be talked about. 

Elisa Lam. 

You can read about her here: https://people.com/crime/what-to-know-about-elisa-lams-death-featured-in-netflixs-the-vanishing-at-the-cecil-hotel/

here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_of_Elisa_Lam

you can watch the mysterious elevator video of her here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rfLSVIA0L0

And the criticism of the Netflix documentary -that I agree with, although I am not so sure the criticism goes far enough- you can read here: https://www.cnet.com/news/netflixs-cecil-hotel-documentary-an-irresponsible-bloated-mess/

My husband was watching the Netflix documentary about Elisa Lam and the Cecil Hotel in LA and her mysterious disappearance and death that were never satisfactorily explained. After enduring some of the second episode I was bored with it and a bit annoyed in ways similar to those mentioned in the aforementioned article on cnet.com. So I did a little research on my own.

Apparently Elisa Lam had bipolar. That same life-threatening condition that I have and that I have learned is not safe to talk about since I will, more often than not, be discriminated against for it and/or treated differently in ways that tend to feed the negative side of normal human duality and the more abnormal duality of bipolar. This is a contributing factor to why so many people with bipolar stop taking medication. Something that the autopsy reports of Elisa Lam suggested she may have done. It is reported that trace amounts of the medications used to treat bipolar suggest that she was either "under-medicated" or had stopped taking her medication. The number of pills they found support that finding. So does her behavior. 

So many interesting things to note about this girl and her story. Like the hotels location and connections to Skid Row and the drug culture that heavily infiltrated the area. Elisa Lam was decreasing her mind altering drugs when she was in the midst of heavy mind altering drug using demographic. Having been manic, I might suggest that the same highs that others needed drugs for, Elisa Lam may have been able to achieve by avoiding her drugs. I wonder how her location and associations there effected her decisions in regards to taking her mind-altering medications. Personally, when I have felt there is a comparison of me to a Skid-Row kind of crowd, I find I want to distance myself from any association with the my "mental illness" and any mind altering drug use, even though they are prescribed by a doctor.  

Elisa Lam was only twenty-one and the documentary mentions that she had been acting a bit strange. Strange enough that it was making her roommates uncomfortable enough to have her moved to a different room. When we are in hypomanic ups sometimes it makes people uncomfortable. But there are also things that people love about it and in so doing they encourage it. Unfortunately, when authentic bipolar is the reason for it, those lovable attributes are too easily overlooked by the annoying and/or uncomfortable ones that people who live with you or who have closer associations are more inclined to notice. Those are the signs and symptoms that indicate you are becoming increasingly less stable and increasingly more vulnerable. Yet, just as it seems in Elisa Lam's case, people tend to ostracize and punish the vulnerable sick person more than they think to intervene and get them help. 

The video. 

There are so many comments and speculations about the video. It is commonly expressed that she was acting strange. But I don't see it that way. I see the creative playful or paranoid imagination seeping out of a person with bipolar. I speculate, in the video, she is in a more playful phase. Her body language, movements, etc. seem much more relaxed and playful then tense and scared. As we are watching the elevator video and listening to the speculating commentary on her hand movements and abnormal behavior, I see nothing particularly abnormal... But I also have bipolar, so what is not-so-abnormal to me can be seen as very abnormal to others and I will confess and explain, though I have behaved in similar ways and could see myself behaving very similar at age 21, I was not and am not all that likely to behave that way when I am appropriately medicated and stable. From what I see, though it is strange that the doors don't close Elisa Lam could easily be in a hypo-manic phase. It may have progressed to full-blown mania. Either way, I can easily see how she could end up in the water tank on top of the roof. 

Here is what my manic comprehending mind would suggest:

The elevator was not working. Elisa opted to take the stairs. At some point, either for the purpose of getting to a different level, or just for the sake of having an exploratory adventure (which she was obvious attracted to or she would not have been in LA in the first place) she decides to take the fire-escape route. Why not go all the way to the roof? So up she goes. One report says certain areas were locked, which would be all the more exciting to explore; the locks presenting a puzzle and/or a mystery begging to be solved.  Once on the roof, she sees the tanks and decides to check them out. One report says there was not a ladder, I do not know if that is accurate, but if there was not and I was in Elisa's some-level-of-manic shoes, I might wedge myself between two of the tanks and spider-crawl up to the top. Being in her shoes I might feel rather proud of my developing super powers and reveling in my height achieving victories might arouse my appetite for even more adventure. 

The heavy lid that one report says was not on the tank when the man found Elisa Lam's body, may have already been off when she got to the top. but it did not need to be. At that point, assuming she is in the magical-manic-wonderland, she would have had added strength and removing that lid would have presented another exciting challenge. Super strength proven once again, there are several plausible manic minded rationales as to how or why she ended up in the water tank. I suggest three. 

1.  Elisa decided it would be fun and exciting to go for a swim and she dove in without thought on how to get back out. No need to think about that, she had super-powers. She'd figure it out. Or she already did but since I don't know the layout of the tank I cannot offer explanations to that one. ...Except, that maybe she tied her clothes together and then tied them to something on the exterior and her make-ship rope failed to hold when she tried to exit. 

2. She was with someone else who dared or encouraged her to go in the tank and she did. It can be very easy to talk a manic or hypo-manic person into that. Then the other person could not help her out so they left dropped her clothes in and left. 

3. This next scenario I am suggesting only a true manic-mind can fully understand: There has been some fascination with how her death is similar to a movie plot, Dark Water, and while it is possible foul play could have been involved and someone else was behind a plot mimic, it is also very possible she had seen the movie and in her manic mind the movie became her story and she became the movie. In this scenario, her demise was imminent without someone there to intervene. 

4. It is possible she actually dropped something and tried to retrieve it. Once in, she removed her clothes to keep her from sinking. This is similar to the Dark Water plot mentioned in the previous, the difference being, it was truly unrelated. Or she saw something in the tank and dove in to find out what it was.

5. Depending on her level of psychosis there could have been some other form of a manic-manifestation that coaxed her into the tank.  

When manic or even just hypo-manic, a person's rational thinking abilities are compromised. The level of mania, the level of psychosis, the amount of time they have been struggling with the imbalance, the experience, exposure, training, etc a person has with recognizing and handling those symptoms and the phases they can come in all can effect their reasoning. A girl of 21 who has only recently been diagnosed is at high risk. Especially if she has little prior knowledge of the illness and aspects of her upbringing, culture, and exposure unknowingly feed mania. There are a lot of things in our culture that feed mania in dangerous ways. Take all this into account and a bipolar 21 year old could very easily decide to take that fatal plunge. 

Bipolar is a serious illness. It can be fatal. https://www.psychcongress.com/article/bipolar-disorder-deadly-disease-dangerous-comorbidities When I a read articles like this and find more information about physiological problems that have some "correlation" with bipolar I am not surprised by them. I feel so many of them. My heart has been my biggest concern lately and the endocrine system is clearly a mess. 

This is where I a think the criticizing article does not take it's criticism far enough. It states, "It's irresponsible and dishonest, indulging conspiracy theories that put already vulnerable victims at further risk." (cnet.com article link) But this article fails to mention the bipolar  and how people with it are extremely vulnerable, at high risk, and are often victims because of it. The documentary glossed over it. This article does not even mention it. This story could help bring awareness to this illness and the realities of it. It is very possible that the bipolar is exactly what killed Elisa Lam. 

But people don't want to talk about that. 

Prevention is worth a pound of cure, but prevention cannot happen without any discussion of it.