annoyed

 Tired but not sleeping.

 I have been doing so well. Especially since upping my dose of quetiapine another 100mg. So why am I not sleeping. Lying in bed, tired, but sleep is eluding me... My mind, although it is not racing it still won't sleep.

Prior to, going to bed, I was feeling those feelings a bit again. Annoying. And baffling. Why on earth does my mind play that way, even still, at certain times and for no seeming reason at all? Perplexing. And even a bit fascinating. The trap. 

Annoyed also by the media's portrayal again and again of "bipolar" and the "mentally ill." At least this time, in the reference watched, they included a quote from a judge, the court, or some knowledgeable professional who pointed out that many people have the same diagnosis and mental illnesses but that they do not do things so egregious as the person in this show - the person that those narrating keep reminding us is "mentally ill" in so many ways that suggest that is the reason for this persons wretchedness. It is not. So I am glad for the statement, but one statement does little to counter the previous and following slew of biased and bigoted statements against the bipolar demographics of our societies. 

I am so tired of this. 

Bipolar does not make one bad, evil, or criminal and many many bad, evil, and criminal people are not at all bipolar. 

It's very misunderstood. 

And very likely there are various kinds, more than just I and II. I'd even be willing to wager my insurance settlement (that is a fraction of what it should be) that there are ways to measure true manic episodes with brain imaging, hormone levels and/or some other physiological means. I bet, if those 0h-so-brilliant doctors and scientist would start consistently testing they would find more significant and common patterns emerging. Patterns that they could then use to predict, measure, and even diagnose. I bet they'd then find that they can better and more accurately treat the varieties and conditions of bipolar in ways that are much more effective and efficient and that would benefit everyone greatly. 

Annoyed. 

I am annoyed that so much science, reason, and common decency is lacking for those with this burden to bare. 

"Is this why I am not sleeping?" I wonder. But alas, it is not. Such annoyances no longer cause sleepless nights. A bit sad is the reality of what that means, which is that it is TOO DAMN COMMON. 

But still, this is not why I am still tired but wired wide awake. 

"Damn drugs," I growl as I remember the side-track that kept me from taking them tonight.

"Stupid, dumb Seroquel..." I curse as I roll out of bed and sulk down the stairs to my cocktail cabinet to find my begrudged drug of choice. 

begrudged and beloved... I am both sad and glad to have it. 

It is still very strange to me just how much I need it and how much of a miracle it has been and continues to be...

I am knotting and tearing now as I reflect on this journey but only enough to keep me safely in check. I am so sad that I need it as much as I do and both surprised and disappointed that my brain is still so fragile that even forgetting one night I won't sleep and cycles return...

So sad that this is my new norm. And that I have to keep facing it with so much oppression and so many oppressive misunderstandings and misrepresentations. So sad and mad at the injustices that I am not allowed a fair fight or representation in. 

Cache County prosecution; the new oppressive regime. They attempted to criminalize me for nothing I did, the harsh punishment and trials of their "honest mistake" falling solely on me (and my family). Yet, even with admission from the horses mouth of the horses who acted criminally against me, they say the evidence is "too subjective" to file charges or even to investigate for the crimes against me and my family that actually in reality happened and have caused us significant harm. Their transgressions are not subjectively interpreted misdeeds made by a child or stories made up and then attempted to prove; they are actually committed and documented violations of my, and possibly my son's, civil and legal rights. So why aren't they criminally charging now?

It is enough to drive a person insane. Gaslighting their fun little game. (and actually the most likely culprit for the needed upping of doses.)

Freaking jack asses and puppets of masses. Good ole boys club, each others ego's to rub. and whatever else they demand from each other. I'd rather stay out of that perverted matrix of misogyny anyway. 

...Kicking in. I'm tired again. And this time in the form that will actually allow me to sleep. Good night.