Set the recored straight

Sometimes I get brave and share this blog with people. Occasionally I even share it on social media. Overall, just like in realtime life, I am overlooked and/or ignored. Which does hurt a little. When I reflect on why that is, I do understand many reasons why. I have done it and been that person myself and it really is not great for people to dwell too much on the topics I bring up. So I get it. But there is one concern I have that I would like to set the record straight on. It is one of the main reasons I speak and why I wish people would not ignore me. It's the subject of suicide. 

I am very qualified to talk about that, and I understand it from many perspectives. Remember, I have a brother who died this way. But I also know the stereotype that may be why people ignore me and that is the record I would like to set straight. 

It is true that there are people in this world who threaten and even make half assed attempts at suicide for attention. For some it may be a legitimate cry for help but for others it really is a form of manipulation. I dare say those of the latter are not nearly as common as people might believe. Kind of like sue happy people who are looking to cash in on medical malpractice. The vast majority of us do not fit those molds and yet within the worlds that these two atypical stereotypes exist the concepts seem to be regarded as the norm rather than the exceptions that they are. This practice is very dangerous for those majorities that don't fit into those overly exaggerated "stereotypes." 

Anyway, my point here and now, is that I have never attempted suicide. I will admit that once, when I was 19, I took a few more of my Paxils (medication) than I should have and maybe had a slight hope that I would not wake up from it, but mostly I just wanted to feel it. I wanted to quiet what was going on inside of me and I wanted to really feel what this drug was doing. I don't really count it as an attempt. Especially since I called poison control (or something like that) almost immediately after when I realized that was a stupid thing to do. I called from a payphone so they could not track me. Basically if it was not too big of a deal, I did not want this impulsive mishap to be brought to the attention of any person I knew. 

Since then I have never done anything that can even be considered an attempt. And I want this to be clear because of how difficult it can be to handle suicidal thoughts and impulses when your chemistry is out of whack. People really have no idea how easy it would be to commit suicide just to quiet what is going on in your broken brain and even to appease what society and people I knew, loved and trusted seemed to want me to be. Suicidal impulses to often are glutinously fed by the way you are so often treated for even discussing them. 

I still feel some fear that the more impulsive suicidal symptoms might someday overcome my rational brain. So I listen to that fear but don't let it dictate. I pay attention to the suicidal thoughts, feelings, impulsive and voices and I treat them as the symptoms they are. 

I do not and have not attempted. 

And I assure you, if I had, or if I do, that is one thing I would be successful at. This is something that people who have never experienced true out of balance chemistry really don't understand. This is why I talk about it and hope that others will share and talk about too. 

Because for those who are truly at risk, you likely have no idea, until it is too late. 

If people dare talk about it, Please listen. And if someone is struggling with a mental illness, please don't ignore. Treat them with compassion, dignity and respect. Help them recognize and get the help they need. Stand up for them when they need it and be willing to intervene when they are falling prey/victim to negative perceptions, stereo-types and mistreatment. They are so much more vulnerable than you know.