Reframing your thinking is a really great skill to have. ... and I think this entry is going to be, as Renée would put it, a kersplat-splat kind of entry.
Crusader.
More than once I have been labeled as such. But I don't really think of myself as that. I struggle to get out of bed too much to be a crusader. And I struggle to find the energy and will to keep trying and keep fighting. I lose my steam and hide away far too much to be a crusader.
Two days ago my attorney friend called me this, a crusader. Then I met with my dear sweet friend Renée who has called me a Joan of Arc. So I found myself reflecting on this idea and, as you see from the previous paragraph, that today's conclusion is that I am not really a crusader. But these thoughts are my thoughts today as I try to find in me the strength to make certain phone calls and write to certain people.
Kersplat and rewind to the day before yesterday, when I tell my husband that my attorney friend says I am a crusader. He says, "I've told you that before." This feeds the epiphany of that moment which was, "Well, if I am crusader then let me be a crusader." Not that my husband was discouraging it, rather, I was speaking to myself.
Earlier that day, with Renée, she reminded me and helped me to reframe my thinking. She did not mean to, she just has that kind of positive influence when she shares her story and shows me how she is handling it. Her story is so tragic and her tiny female frame has endured far more than any person should ever have to go through, yet she is still so kind and generous. She keeps trying and keeps working on herself and what she can do. She has to choose everyday to wake up and be a warrior in ways that few will ever understand or appreciate. Renée is choosing to fight by trying to speak out in ways that highlight the positive of the victims. She has very righteous indignation and has suffered injustices that are beyond appalling from individuals and the systems that are supposed to protect her. Yet she is reframing in order to handle it in ways that keep rage and anger from over-powering her and turning her into a similar creature of destruction. I am so impressed by how massively amazing this tiny little lady is.
And this is how she helped to me reframe two days ago: I do not need to keep fighting, I just need to keep speaking.
So I couple that with the crusader comments and that is what led to the epiphany of: I might as well crusade if I am a crusader....
But crusading these days and in this country looks very different than it did in Joan of Arc's days.
And today, as I struggle -as I mentioned earlier-, as I fight to overcome the "learned helplessness" and the beat-downs of the injustices, I am certain, that I am not a crusader... I am only a tired old lady who won't shut up and is haunted by PTS (post-traumatic-stress) when I try to. -PTS, that is what Dr. She pointed out to me yesterday. That is what it she says the haunting is, and this makes sense.
damned if I do and damned if I don't
2:06 pm and I still haven't gone for a walk. I made 1 phone call, left a message. I took a nap before that. And I look at my front door... too scared to leave. A new sort of homebody that I have never been before. This is not me. I not really scared... and yet it is and I am.
too scared to leave, too scared to follow through with the many projects I have started. I am not a crusader... I am just a victim.
It's not what I want to be, but right now that is all that I am. No voice, no one listening, and no fights being won. A crusader is only a crusader if they are heard and if they have some power of influence.
Furthermore, I don't think that standing up for oneself really makes one a crusader. Being a victim who won't shut up about it, is not at all the same as a crusader... It's just a person trying to not be a victim anymore. That is very different.
I am not a crusader. I am scared and scarred and today I give up and I give in.
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