A fighting chance.

 13 people have taken the time to read the entry I have recently shared... only 3 have taken the time to comment and show support... 

I got an email back in response to letting the grad school people know the charges that were filed against me had been dismissed. The charges that I had to disclose when I applied for grad because they were still "pending." Contact has already been made for interviews, the replier tell me. None have been extended to me for the PHD or the MEd...

so my heart is broken once again... and again... 

The numbers hurt and it cuts deep that I am, once again, not wanted where I know I belong and where know I could do the most good. It cuts deep even though I knew it was a long shot, even though I knew what I was up against, and even though I know I am in good company in my rejection. Albeit, good company I will never know the company of. 

So what do I do? After another crushing blow? 

Automatically my mind sees that image I keep thinking I have shaken completely but lights back up in an instant whenever I feel the crushing blow of rejection. The image that offers relief from the world that does not want me and does not value me.

Fortunately it is fainter this time and much easier to turn off or turn away. Level and appropriately treated, I can transform it into a redirection as I acknowledge and allow myself to feel the pain and the sorrow this rejection brings. 

It hurts. and it hurts deeply. 

But I also know that 13 people read what I shared about the most recent injustice that represents injustices too common in our systems and 3 took the time to comment. How grateful I am for the show of support from those 3. 

So I now try to focus and stay focused on the appreciation I received just this week from a friend in my own neighborhood who expressed to me how my openness and this blog have helped her in her life; a victory I am so glad she shared with me. 

"It is not a small victory," she tells me, "it is huge." And that is really what this is about. She tells me that her self esteem has increased and relationships improved because I dared to share the difficulties I have endured and the lessons I have learned from them. I have noticed some changes but had no idea just how much a part I had played...

... Which is precisely why it is so very heartbreaking that the people who could best help so many people who so desperately need a resource like me will not even give me a chance. 

"You will help so many people," once again fades indto "you might help one or two due to the limitations of your position and status." 

"people are afraid of me" still ringing rather true... 

Oh well. I it is sad and too bad, but at least I have helped one or two and I hope that much I may continue to do. To them and to those I have already helped I say thank you for keeping me going. I love you, I know the value of you, you are completely worth it and I am glad when you see that too :).  

To my neighbor and friend, thank you. And even though I cannot make the bigger difference I had hoped to I'll keep fighting and taking the punches to protect those in the shadows or who are down in the trenches alone. I'll keep fighting and keep speaking however and whenever I can. Please know I'll take any blow for you and for others until my body finally gives out.