the hauntings of dreams

 I am struggling today. 

Learned helplessness maybe?

I am tired of fighting but I cannot allow what has transpired to simply be ignored and I am so very angry by how numerous the recent injustices have been. ...actually not angry, just beat down. I am fighting depression from it. And I want to win, but I need a win.

I am so tired of fighting these battles just to stand up for myself and NOTHING happening except further harm to me.... 

So people think I should just give up and move past it. BUT THIS SHIT HAUNTS. 

AND I really cannot move past the realities of my "disabilities" 

And the shittiest part about that previous statement is just how much I have 

...and I am tired and worn of fighting the professor who chose to cause me as much harm as he possibly could just to discredit any complaint I might file... What is wrong with people? If I was in the wrong than you had nothing to worry about, so why keep trying to cause harm to me? and my family? You, I will not waste my time hating since you are nothing more than an unscrupulous worm who feasts on decay and feces. 

....

my heart will eventually fail me

 I know this much

and I am writing it out hoping to find strength but I am just not finding it. 

Only ANGER

which will have to be my strength right now. 

Maybe it is because I have been trying harder to accomplish my goals... but that I keep facing so much rejection for...

Maybe it is because my teeth hurt and that jackass, *ex-neuropsych,* is haunting my dreams now.

Why do you have to be a jackass? Why are you my enemy? Why do you hate me and wish so much harm to me? 

Why do you still haunt me???

But I know why. and I am so tired of it. It's also the reason I went back to school.... Which ended worse then I ever could have imagined - me being criminally charged for my son being concerned and scared... that I might break again. 

I hate you *JP. I hate you. 

I would so much rather be part of your team but you are a coward and maybe far worse... "I could lose my license because of you." I have lost too much of my life because of you, you freaking jackass. and would have lost it completely if it wasn't for the tenacity of my broken brain that knew it was broken and just kept fighting in spite of me...

fighting to find the answers and fighting to learn the truth. 

..."what we had was a beautiful thing..." what they hell are you saying and why?!

... please... stop haunting my brain. 

amends. stop never having anything to do with me outside of therapy... the solution is so simple... but you just keep proving to be a coward, bias, prejudice, malicious, and ignorant... or you were grooming, playing, manipulating. 

I wish you were not. and will you ever read this? No. "nothing to do with you outside of therapy." that you have honored quite well... just like every good groomer does when they are done with the run. done with their toy. 

stop. stop head to gun. please stop. 

I hate you. now please let me know that you hate me too. That is really all you have to do. Not your puppets or your pons, but you.