What I Notice and What I Feel

 My criminal defense attorney was kind of all over the place trying to figure out the best strategy in  representing me. In his defense, he usually deals with people who are guilty of the crimes alleged in some form or another and I was not. For me it was hard talking to him sometimes because one minute he would be telling me they should not have filed the charges and the next he was saying they had probable cause. 

But actually they did not. 

They had probable cause to investigate and probable cause to file charges against my son but they did not have probable cause based on reasonable suspicion to file charges against me. What they had was evidence that I was a victim and then they perpetuated that, thus making me a victim of themselves, the system, and, conceivably, a victim of my own son because he had made what was perceived to be a threatening phone call to the discriminating professor.  A phone call that I had no knowledge of until after I had been criminally charged and had hired an attorney. They did not even have a probable cause statement on the charging documents. The attorney had to call to get that information. Up to that point I knew nothing about a "threatening" phone call made by anyone. I was so shocked by this news when my attorney told me it, that at first I believed the professor created some sort of elaborate hoax to set me up. As the evidence was unveiled, we found out it had, in fact, been my son who made the call. 

Now what my son did was stupid and we do not condone it. I get mad at him when he makes stupid comments like he did on the phone call he made to the professor. However, he is a 15 year old boy, whose prefrontal cortex is not fully developed and, in a way, he was an indirect victim of this professor himself.  His case, when actually investigated, appears to be the case of a child of a victim acting out against the abusive source and then that child being further harmed by a system that appears to favors titles, egos, and money over truth and justice. 

Probable cause, to my criminal defense attorney, is debatable. He seems to think probable cause does not actually need to be based on reasonable suspicion because of how frequently charges are filed when the suspicions are not reasonable or not reasonably investigated first. So, then, once again, the ethical standards are not being upheld because of how frequently they are not upheld. It makes no sense, but this is what is happening. Or it is because those who are obligated to uphold them get away with not upholding them and are not held accountable. Here is a link to an excellent article about this: https://theappeal.org/prosecutorial-misconduct-jeff-adachi-commentary/

This is a repeat of bigger societal issues and problems. Problems with laws, rules, knowledge, policies, common sense, and even science, that each plainly state one thing and are in place to protect the innocent and vulnerable, but in reality are not practiced. Like the "terminating" of patients due to therapists' error; the client should not be blamed or punished, yet that is exactly what happens to them. Like IHC's patient rights that they do not honor. Like the licensing boards that rarely hold those paying for a license accountable. Like how teachers are expected to be held accountable for all the shortcomings of the parents, the media, and society; conditions which they have zero control over.... so many examples and it is sickening, saddening, and maddening...

...

"Reasonable" is an important and, arguably, a constitutional right here. It is something that prosecuting attorneys need to get back to. It is something they need to be held accountable for and a standard that they need to uphold, especially with police, investigators, and accusors. https://www.alllaw.com/articles/criminal/article1.asp This article points out the ethical responsibilities of the prosecuting attorney: 

"Prosecutors have an ethical duty to see that justice is done—which doesn’t necessarily mean winning a case. A prosecutor must consider the needs of the victim and society and make decisions based on the facts, the evidence, and the law. Prosecutors must also weigh the potential harm in wrongly pursuing a case or pursuing a case too soon.

Pressing charges against an innocent individual can wreak havoc on that person’s life. An arrest alone can result in jail time, taking that person away from their family responsibilities and livelihood. The loss of freedom and damage to a person’s reputation can’t be undone."

I would challenge you to put yourself in the shoes of myself, my husband, or my son and consider if the suspicions those filing charges' were reasonable. Was the suspicion that I was the mastermind behind the phone call my son made reasonable? If you do this you will find that it is not only an unreasonable suspicion but it is also an incredibly offensive one. Now, being in my shoes, you might feel very angry that: 

1. They assume you would do something so stupid and ridiculous. 

2. They are alleging/implying that your son isn't intelligent enough to figure out how to get the phone number on his own (that was the evidence used to support their "suspicion" that I was behind my son's wrongdoing) 

3. You are his parents and they never called you, never talked to you, and nobody ever stopped and thought, "hey, maybe we should call and talk to this kids parents." This is one hell of a way to find out your child did something stupid, needs correction, probably needs help, and is struggling more than you knew. 

4. The language from the accusing professor in the police report makes it clear that he does not like you, is discriminating against you, and even intended to fail you and yet they suspect you are victimizing him ...and through your son. Really? 

5. What is happening is a big part of the reason you went back to school. You wanted to bring an end to the victimizing and suffering others (and yourself) who are being stigmatized and discriminated against in such unfair, bias, and damaging ways and yet that is exactly what is happening and will likely prevent you from being able to even pursue the degree needed to help make those changes.  

Is this really how our criminal justice system works? 

It is far from reasonable to suspect a mother is behind her 15 year old boys foolish actions, especially when those actions would obviously cause significant harm to herself, her academic and career goals, and the child. It is far from reasonable to suspect the boy even meant harm without ever even talking to him when the statement he made was vague enough to possibly mean something else, like "karma will get you" (which is what he says he actually meant). It is far from reasonable to suspect a student would be behind an irrational pseudo-threat that was not made by them, especially, considering all the evidence that showed this student was trying to do everything they could to salvage their goal that the accusing professor was sabotaging and the student was going through the appropriate channels in an effort to holding the professor accountable for his blatant discrimination and/or bad teaching practices.

Due diligence was not done. 

Stereo-typing, stigmatizing and weird game playing was being done. 

And it is more than a touch annoying to sit and listen to your defense attorney kiss ass to the prosecution, that has no grounds for their accusations, simply because he knows they are the ones in the position of power, he has to play their games, and you are the one that is easily targeted and discriminated against. It is not easy to then be told that their "dismissing with no prejudice" is the best outcome we could hope for especially because your discriminated against demographic is so often and so easily wrongly charged and convicted. That is not encouraging, that is egregious. 

For the criminal defense attorney this is an easy victory, but for me and my family this is not a victory at all, it is merely surviving a beating. And "without prejudice," the jab of implying that we were not honest about how we handled the statement we asked our son to write, and no apology are all subtle threats being held over my head to keep me quiet and to try and keep me in my place. A threat, no-doubt, left lingering to scare me out of pursuing complaints against all of them, in their positions of power, who made mistakes and acted unreasonably and/or maliciously against me. It is their way of keeping me in the back of the bus where they think I belong. 

A friend sent me this image as a form of encouragement through all of this and I believe it fits well. I have learned a lot, but unfortunately they have mostly been heartbreaking lessons about realities that most people will once again ignore or will want to, in some way, fault me for because the truths and realities I have learned threaten their false senses of safety and security and the trust in the still have in the systems that are meant to protect us.  Thus some people will likely, once again, try to fault me for the storm that I did not create but that we are having to weather as a family and that I am trying to speak up about and warn others of.  

One of the huge problems this most recent series of event has both taught and reinforced is just how big of a problem victim shaming, blaming and re-victimizing really is in our US culture. For example if you read the Utah Criminal Code, you will see that the charge of stalking that was alleged against me is actually something they did to me. According to Utah Code (found here https://le.utah.gov/xcode/Title76/Chapter5/76-5-S106.5.html, )

"(2) A person is guilty of stalking who intentionally or knowingly engages in a course of conduct directed at a specific person and knows or should know that the course of conduct would cause a reasonable person:
(a) to fear for the person's own safety or the safety of a third person; or
(b) to suffer other emotional distress." 

Those involved should not be employed in the line of work they are in if they don't realize that any "reasonable person" would fear for their own safety and that of their families when criminal charges are filed against them the way they were against me; charges for someone else's actions that I (the accused) had no knowledge of. It was also very clear that filing charges against me would cause emotional distress to the boy who made the call, myself, and the rest of my family. Especially without ever even having a conversation with any of us about the allegations. They had evidence that our family was already distressed due to the actions of the accuser. They had zero evidence that I had any knowledge about the course of conduct someone else had engaged in that they were criminally charging me for. 

Please note: Once the professor took his discrimination so far as to accuse me of harassment for trying to contact him for reasons he had told us (the class) to contact him for and that I had attempted to contact him before but to which he had not responded to me about, I dropped his class and after that had no further contact with him. In class he had made it clear he had and was responding to other students. This straw, of being accused of harassment, that broke the camels back of my tolerating his discriminating behavior towards me, also triggered a PTSD response in me. Although I was trying to keep that burden from my son, he saw it and it caused him great concern. At first my son called to try and talk to the professor. Then he blocked his number and left the "threatening message" and his concern for me and the PTSD is probably why he said "You know what you did" and "you were in the wrong." However, after he made his foolish mistake, in his attempt to stand up for me, he never contacted or attempted to contact that professor again either... and he kept what he did so far hidden from us that by the time the charges were filed almost 2 months later, he had forgotten that he had done it. So stalking is an especially unreasonable charge against me because I had ceased all contact with the man without ever being asked or told to do so. To be perfectly clear, I was NEVER, not once, by any person, method, or entity, asked, told, directed or any other form instructed not to contact the professor. After it became clear he was not going to work with me or be fair I dropped his class and had no further contact and I did that on my own accord. 

Also understand this would have been an easy problem to address had it been addressed appropriately by calling us, his parents, in the first place. No phone records needed to be subpoenaed, no police or public time or resources needed to be wasted. All they needed to do was call us, his parents, when it was reported (which was actually 2 days after the call was made and very likely after or when the professor had been contacted by his department head on my behalf at my request in regards to the way he had been treating me. This speculation is also based on the fact that it was not the professor that reported the "threatening" phone call, rather the department head and it was initially reported, by that department head, that I had made the call. When the police interviewed the professor and listened to the recording the police learned it was not from me, and they judged it to be from an adolescent male. The professor then "clarified" that the first call, whose voice was the same as that of the second, had come from a number he had looked up and assumed to be associated with me because it was tied to my husband's name... this is the nicest, by far, the professor was in his regard of me as reported in the police report.)

* Permission from my son was granted for both publishing and sharing this article. He insists that permission has been given and is getting annoyed with me making sure he really is okay with it and is prepared to handle any possible outcomes, positive or negative. He also feels this conversation is important to be had and shared. (And I think I am one lucky mom) 

 

More corruptions

I am heartbroken once again by how corrupt and broken are systems are and how narcissistically dishonest so many people in positions of power are. This is what we have recently been facing: https://theappeal.org/prosecutorial-misconduct-jeff-adachi-commentary/ "They won’t face criminal consequences because even when their behavior rises to the level of illegality, their colleagues are unlikely to bring charges against them. And civil liability won’t work because prosecutors are essentially absolutely immune from civil suits."
Sadly this article about bad prosecuting is more informational about how common and problematic bad and unethical prosecuting is than it is helpful in regards to what you, the victim of it, can do about it. It seems there is nothing.
So even when the prosecution and those who filed the charges against you admit that they made a mistake and dropped the charges [but not without some last senseless jab to drive home their ill intent] there is no recourse. And the person/people behind all of it get away with something akin to bullying and further victimizing you by claiming to be the victim.
Then when charges are dismissed, your criminal defense attorney counts it as a victory, but you, the wrongly accused and actual victim of the accuser, don't feel much better. It is not a victory at all. It is simply surviving a beating and you and your family are out time, money, reputation, and physical and mental health.
This last semester I started school again hoping to pursue a graduate degree in psychology and to help "be the change you wish to see in the world" (Gandhi). Part of my goal was to challenge and help change negative stereotypes, stigmas, misconceptions, bias, prejudice and discrimination, but instead, all of those problems and the degree to which they are problems (within our societies cultures and institutions) were driven home. Further reminding me of why my initial TBI and associated problems had become a buried story. People can and do discriminate so easily and comfortably in their socially and culturally accepted biases and misconception and with so little thought in ways very similar to those who first asked, expected and then punished Rosa Parks for. Rosa Parks simply refused to accept being treated as inferior and for it she was criminalized. Believe it or not this same thing happens to people with TBI's and mental health issues all the time. I speak because it needs to change. We are not inferior nor are we criminals. Period.

overcoming bigotry

 My brain is tired and sad. I am tired. Somethings take a lot out of you. I am supposed to be over the shock of our most recent hit, but I am not. I am shocked by many. I am shocked by people in professions that I respected and have stood up for more times than I could count.

I feel drained and it is so hard to get up in the morning. 

The hope and encouragement of "you will help so many people," feeling like it is slipping away with every hit.

I hope I can actually overcome this one. I hope that this time things will actually end fairly and people will accept and/or be held accountable for their damaging mistakes and actions.

I try to stay positive. And I do.

But I am tired. 

Fortunately, a week or so ago, while checking email, I paid attention to one of the Quora.com messages. It contained a question that a person had asked about their therapist of nine years terminating them due to "negative transference." I feel for this person. One of my favorite answering psychotherapists gave yet another beautiful and sympathetic answer. But I still felt like the person might also benefit from an answer from their side of the couch. So I offered an honest, straightforward answer that I hope will help. https://qr.ae/pNVEGm here is the link if you care to read. 

So it was nice yesterday, when I was trying to go through emails for the purposes that are heartbreaking and exhausting, to see a new quora.com message stating that I had some upvotes and a reply to my comment. Already over 2 thousand people have read my answer. This means there are others. This means there really is a problem that I am trying to help people with. 

I was very happy to see that not only had I received upvotes but I had three appreciative comments. I helped at least three people by being honest and sharing my experience and knowledge. I am grateful, so grateful, for those comments. It reminds me why I keep going. It gives me some strength when I am feeling so weak and tired and when others are falsely accusing simply to try and save their own hide from their own mistakes. 

On another note of positive I have been thinking, if I don't make it into the PHD or the masters programs I applied for, at least I know I am in good company since they only accept 6-30% of the applicants. 

One more random side note: One thing that was nice about the crises of my imbalanced state that was being denied by the medical providers that were supposed to be my team, at least then I knew I was doing the best I could. Now I am a bit of a shadow and I hide, procrastinate and avoid much more than I care to admit. ...A pathetic case of learned helplessness after the beatings from those superior institutions and their prestigiously titled bigots. This is what I am working to overcome now and it is kind of funny to think that one silver-lining to that very serious crises I was in due to misdiagnosis and straight up malpractice, was that at least then I knew I was doing the very best I could. I held on and I survived despite their sacrificing me to the magnificent masterminds of the medical malpractice model... or just their careless and harsh reckless endangerment. Hah. 

Good night. 

 

Symptoms

 There is so much that comes into play. Suicide is not the problem nor the solution. It is a symptom. Sometimes it is a symptom of too many times misrepresented. Too many times used. Too many times ignored. Too many times treated as inferior. Too many times blatantly discriminated against. Too many times rejected and ostracized. 

Suicide is not going to decrease with the way we currently handle "mental illness," the way people treat another if they find out they have one of the problems that so often lead to suicide, and how we continue with so many ostracizing social norms and cultural practices. 

It is believed that antidepressants can increase the risk of suicide. I think it just might be the prejudice and discrimination one feels and cannot escape once one is diagnosed that increases the risk of suicide. There might be a correlation to the way others treat them and don't treat them that increases risk of suicide. 

Recently, I am struggling again. 

Struggling to keep those images out of my mind. 

Struggling to feel my life is of value and worth. 

It is a symptom. 

But this time it is not a symptom of my TBI or mania, or imbalanced chemistry. I am very balanced. It is a symptom of things like rejection, isolation, intolerance, bias, prejudice, bigotry, ignorance of others and their determination to make me wrong after they make a mistake, or because they are bias, and/or simply uncomfortable with my "condition." 

... I think I am strong. I think I am beyond it. But the continued hits, they hurt. And I am noticing that those images are coming a bit more frequently. 

And this might just be even more scary, because at least when I was unmedicated and imbalanced I knew that my brain was not entirely rational, I knew that my chemistry and body were off, and I could attribute it to the imbalance. Now it is the rational realization that those friends really don't care, those people whom I have loved, appreciated, stood up for and even defended, -medical providers, educators, police officers, friends, family members- do not feel the same regard for me. They would literally rather I not be around.

That symptom seems most dangerous. 

Dear Brazil Man (the one whose community assured me that he was perfectly safe, "just crazy"),

You are very lucky to live in a community that does not fear you because of your illness. You are very lucky that your community treats you with kind regard and even appreciation. 

Some of us are not so lucky and the harder we try to change and help implement change, the harder we try to help people understand that "crazy" people are not bad or scary, -that we can become self aware, understand, and learn how to treat and manage our condition much the same way people with so many other illnesses and conditions do,- the more rejected we are. Constantly having confirmed that we are considered inferior and of no value to our communities. 

I hope you are doing well Brazil Man. I hope you are still being treated with kindness, respect and dignity. I hope your community is well and strong in these trying times. I appreciate that you taught me what you did and I appreciate the hope you gave me. I hope that someday the communities and the cultures I live in will learn to be as beautiful as you and yours on that day you in your busy, bustling city. 

Sincerely,

Lonely

...

"Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away..."

"When this all blows over," she says, "I'm going to run away for awhile."

Mya Angelou and unconditional positive regard

 Lately my husband has been playing Mike Rowe's That's the Way I Heard It podcasts whenever we go on a long drive. These short stories have been fun, interesting, and educational to listen to. I have learned about many people that I might otherwise never have learned about. I like how Rowe credits and celebrates many significant contributors to our world but who got overlooked in the writing of history. 

One of the stories that intrigued me was about a lady named Mya Angelou. I have heard the name but I didn't really know who she was so I did a quick google search. I find some quotes that I recognize. 

Although Ms. Angelou is an amazing and significant person I am going to deviate from celebrating her and focus on one of the quotes she is famous for; a significant observation she made that can also be used to explain the problem with therapists being allowed to terminate and ignore highly vulnerable patients when they are entangled in transference and/or countertransference.

The quote: 

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

            -Mya Angelou

When a person is seeing any form of psychologist for any form of psychological therapy, one form of transference -that frequently occurs- is that of learning to love themselves through loving their therapist. Unconditional positive regard and the therapists mirroring techniques, such as reflective listening, are significant contributors to this form of transference. These trendy therapist utilized techniques are effective because of how they influence a persons feelings. For many people, this therapeutic environment is their safe place and often the one place in the world where they feel valued and appreciated. They may feel finally understood and cared for. They may feel compassion and even passion. They will also feel whatever the therapist reflects and projects. They may not fully understand it -they may not understand it all- but they will feel it. 

When I was with Dr. He I felt it. I felt safe, understood, appreciated, valued, comfortable, and loved. My imperfect self was perfectly imperfect and I was noticed and significant. It felt good. And I felt good when I was with Dr. He. 

But then, suddenly, when these good feelings were just starting to become more prevalent in my life away from Dr. He, he dropped me. 

...And it hurt. 

Bad. 

It broke me. And then my feelings and physiology went haywire. 

I was able to go back. That is when Dr. He implied a reciprocation of the profoundly intense and meaningful feelings I had for him; my feelings that may have mostly been meant for me but were still transferred onto him. The feelings triggered and feed by his confession, or manipulation, were even more intense and beautifully bizarre. A drug. Euphoric. A surreal nirvana I had obtained that directly correlated with this man. 

 "... people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

How he made me feel. That was where I was left. 

And if you have ever reached it, you know too, that you never want to forget nirvana.

After it was determined that he could no longer be my therapist,  he was determined to never have anything to do with me... Then I felt rejection and confusion. I felt the deep feelings of loss that made my heart physically hurt. I also felt the reality of my injuries and vulnerabilities that I was trying to figure out and understand but that were also being denied by the experts. I felt passion but also lonely despair. I felt "let it burn out" as instructions of what was supposed to happen to me and what I was supposed to do with me for his sake. I felt so many bizarre and profoundly painful things as I tried to get to the bottom of what was happening to me, my body, my chemistry, and my psychology. These tragic and painful feelings could arguably be attributed as also ways that Dr. He made me feel. But there is a huge problem: These harsh and painful feelings did not associate as well with him as the profoundly positive feelings did simply because the positive was felt in his presence while the negative directly correlated with the absence of his presence. I needed to feel the negative that was coming from him directly from him. I understood this and was fighting for it. But he would deny it which would further reinforce the profound feelings associated how I felt when I was with him that were still tied to him and further negate the unconditional positive regard that was supposed to be associated with me.

I also see this in my sweet friend who found me through my answers on Quora about countertransference. She actually had the chance to talk with her therapist after a traumatic ending to their therapeutic relationship. However she was blamed and shamed more than understood and helped. Thus the negative feelings were tied back to her while he, the therapist who was supposed to be the one having and giving unconditional positive regard, was given unconditional positive regard by her, the client. After this one meeting, she was then abandoned and expected, even threatened, to never speak to him again. It is very easy to see how this could so easily end in the emotional trap of not being able to forget positive feelings that were associated with him while the negative feelings she would tie back to her because they were felt in his absence and outright rejection of her. 

Artificial unconditional positive regard then manifesting as the nastiest dagger-in-the-back it really is. 

Is there a better solution? A better possible outcome?

Yes. There is. 

How? I think the first things that need to happen are: Therapists need to follow through with unconditional positive regard when the conditions are tested. Therapist also need to be willing to, at very least, reciprocate the unconditional positive regard their client/patients have for them OR be willing to stop their ego and/or insecurities from sacrificing the client and the clients best interest to selfishly cling to the true unconditional positive regard the patient/client has for them by rejecting the client before the client might reject them. 

The Plight of the Inferior

 When Rosa parks was told to go to the back of the bus she was given no explanation and there was no discussion to be had. She simply belonged to a classification of people that were believed to be inferior so therefore she was obligated to accept unfair treatment and if she did not she could face criminal charges. For us looking back it is ludicrous and unscrupulous. But for those at the time it was simply the societal norms and expectations. 

Today people with TBI's and psychological disorders are treated similarly. We are figuratively expected to go to the back of the bus and tolerate the fear, misconceptions and unfair treatment of us because we belong to the classification of people that are currently believed to be inferior. And if we do not comply we may even face criminal charges that would otherwise never be allowed to even be filed. It is asinine and ludicrous and yet it is happening...

In my PSY 1010 course book, the 5th edition of Psychology in Daily Life by David Myers and Nathan Dewall, it makes clear (and is backed by research) that psychological disorders do not increase risk of violence nor do they predict who is likely to do harm AND that "People with disorders are more likely to be the victims than the perpetrators of violence" (pg. 396) 

It is documented and it is known, that people who have certain psychological disorders are highly vulnerable and overwhelmingly non-violent yet we are all lumped together and overgeneralized to be threatening and dangerous. Then all you have to do is bring up one of our disorders and you can get away with all manner of abuse and mistreatment.  

But then, the very same book -that defends people with psychological disorders- makes overgeneralizing statements like this, "Better predictors of violence are the use of alcohol and drugs, previous violence, gun availability and - as was the case of the repeatedly head-injured and ultimately homicidal National Football League player Aaron Hernandez - brain damage" (pg. 396)

And automatically victims of atrocious domestic violence and injuries from events completely out of their control are lumped into the same category as drug and alcohol abusers and homicidal people. Which leads to and somehow justifies them being discriminated against -because they can be predicted to be violent. So people fear and/or poke and instigate and then accusingly declare, "see, they are violent" even if "they" are acting the way any person would act if they were being mistreated similarly. 

Most of us are fighters, that's how we survived, but that does not make us violent. I am not violent. Nor are many people with TBI's. In fact, for many, the TBI can actually decrease aggression and for those that it has increased violent tendencies for, due to neuroplasticity, it is quite possible they can overcome it. 

I know this because I have overcome a lot that TBI has been the cause of. For example, I stopped bloodying my hands on a punching bag many, many years ago because I had overcome the anger and aggression the first TBI had caused. The punching bag, a resource, was the only victim of my aggression. We are human and humane and, when we are fighting to stay that way, it is neither human nor humane to label and predict then stigmatize, ostracize, and punish us for your fears and misconceptions.

The second TBI did not cause violence or aggression at all, it seemed to take any and all aggression out of me, even assertiveness. Since that TBI, I have had to do the reverse; utilize neuroplasticity to help me fight and keep fighting when I had nothing left in me and was fading into just that; nothing.  

Sigh...

My plight continues. But I will not quit. 

 

Tangential Speech

I am very fortunate to be able to work as an academic advisor with the occasional students of my former employer. I enjoy this. Sometimes I am an academic advisor, sometimes a tutor, sometimes more of a mentor or a coach, and sometimes am just someone to hold them accountable to there school work. 

Today I was working with one of these students. An intriguing adolescent boy who gets easily sucked into the rabbit holes of physics. Today one of those rabbit holes was literally black holes which are incredibly difficult to escape so it is not surprising that he was so distracted and sidetracked by this tangent he got sucked into. I enjoy this boys fascination and comprehension of physics. It is fun to talk about, but he easily gets sidetracked from the task at hand and I frequently have to carefully redirect him back to the task at hand. 

Today as I was trying to maintain that delicate balance I was reminded of a time in my life and person who would allow me to go off on tangents but then would carefully redirect me back to the purpose for my visit. I thought how interesting it was that I was now doing this for this boy and it made me that much more aware of the significance of my role. I remembered how I had even blogged about this and I felt this experience with this boy helped me understand better my own analogy of the straightjacket that I once applied to my redirector. (You can read that here: https://amicrazy2.blogspot.com/2019/01/the-straight-jacket.html ).

As I am driving home from working with my student I reflect on how alone I have been in my plight since that straightjacket therapist broke me. That is when I remember I need to call my mom back. My mom who had said she would help me try and sort out my medical records and file the requests for them to be corrected. I try calling. She does not answer and I am left alone with my thoughts again. I feel a bit sad about how my mom had not followed through with that help and about how truly alone I am with these very heavy burdens. I am not surprised by my moms lack of follow through but was more surprised by her calling. These days it is unusual for her to want to call and talk about anything but she wanted to talk so I wondered why she was calling. 

My mom rarely surprises me, but when we finally connect today I am surprised, very surprised, to learn that she had been going over my medical records and she wanted to talk about them. It has been so long she does not remember what I had asked her to help me with. She says they have been hard to go over, they have made her emotional. She sees some of herself and her traumas but she also feels bad about me and mine and how she did not know how to help when I needed it most. But one thing she mentions is especially interesting. She says something about how Dr. He had mentioned several times tangential speech in his notes on me. She was not sure what that meant so she looked it up and it was upsetting to her. She feels like this problem should have been an indication of the something-more-going-on-with-my-head that I had tried to explain so many times to so many different providers and that really was going on. She is upset that Dr. He did request further testing and brain imaging to be done or for me to be seen specifically by a neurologist at his facility. 

After I get off the phone with my mom I look up the term. This is what comes up: "Tangential speech or tangentiality is a communication disorder in which the train of thought of the speaker wanders and shows a lack of focus, never returning to the initial topic of the conversation." this is according to https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tangential_speech and if you read the second paragraph of that link it states: "Some adults with right hemisphere brain damage may exhibit behavior that includes tangential speech.[4]" My mom remembered that the damage found on the MRI done last December was in the right hemisphere. The MRI that was done by an entirely different institution over year after Dr. He had documented my tangential speech. 

And I am emotional again. The straightjacket analogy making more sense now and my heart broken and confused once again by the burden of knowing that he knows his stuff and he knew what he was doing. Then the question of my previous physical therapist echos in my head, "what is the worst possible scenario?" 

"That he is a grooming psychologist, and I have to bring it to light or to stop him," I reply (or something to that effect). 

But the thing is I still don't know. It is not proof that Dr. He is a grooming psychologist, and I know that it could just be more evidence of just how messed up the whole institution is or even the industries of psychology. I have seen and heard the bias and discrimination plain and clear in the language of the empirical and scholarly research and by and from the providers. I have seen how far down the nose other psychologists will look at a person who develops feelings for a person like me. I have seen and felt just how inferior I am made out to be with my damaged brain and disorders of psychology and personality. I have seen just how rigid and unwilling the professionals are to believe that we are not inferior and that a person can be successful at adjusting, adapting and living as a well-adjusted person with the those disorders rather than the person being the disorder. 

An anomaly or the member of an inferior class of people that would be shameful to be attracted to or to credit with a comparable level of intelligence? Which am I? 

I am an anomaly. But just as anomalies so often are, maybe I am less of one than they think. Maybe if people would stop treating me and those like me as shameful subhumans than they might find the things that make me a successful and/or positive anomaly are not so unusual after all. 

...But mostly what about the tangential coincidences of the day? Tangential speech, not to be confused with circumstantial speech.