The Beautiful People in my world.

Yesterday I got to meet the governor.  I got to speak up about TBI, and He gave me his honorary signing pen. I was there with the BIUA for his signing of a document acknowledging March to be Brain Injury Awareness month or something like that. To be honest I do not totally understand what is was all about and so far it has not been covered on any news sights that I have seen which is a bit disheartening to me.
But I want to share a tender moment.
When the governor and his mini paparazzi came over to me because I had offered to answer his question (when all the PhD holders froze or were trying to compose their answers) I got a bit nervous and forgot what I was going to say. A deer in the headlights for a split second, but I was able to utilize my TBI blunt honesty and humor to state, "I'm sorry, I just got a little of nervous and forgot what I was going to say. Can you please repeat the question to help me remember?" or something to that effect.
But in that moment I started to feel shaky and shy, I felt a hand on my arm and a soothing rub on my back.
My sweet friend Renée was there and she jumped right into action helping me to quickly regain calm and composure.
This is the beauty of what organizations like the BIUA and people like Renée do. They help you find your strength again. They want to build people and they want to find them help. They are a very small, understaffed and very likely underfunded organization, but they keep going and they keep trying to help people. They do all the little things they possibly can do and though they may be few they are mighty fine people and I am so very grateful for the the help they have given me.
I wish that I were bigger and could help them to become bigger.
Then there is my cousin I stayed with the other night. She inspires me to do and be better all of the time. The challenges and traumas she has risen above are astounding. She is a miracle to me.
In our conversation she told me she is always shocked at how many people seem to find pleasure in seeing her fail. She says she fails all the time and fails hard, for example she has been training and working hard to make it to the Olympics in boxing. She barely missed the cut for the last time and she has had to close the door on that dream. She said that is hard, but she is idealistic and she recognizes the good that has come from it and moves on. But, like I mentioned, she is always shocked at how people will find pleasure in her failure.
I was so surprised to hear this from her. She is so easy to love, so kind and never have I heard her even come close to tearing somebody down. She builds people up and yet people still want to tear her down. We had an enlightening conversation about this and I was so glad to hear about this because I know the feeling and it hurts and sucks, but now I know I am not alone and it is not just in my head. She is younger than I and many years ago I was more in the mentor role but now I very much look up to her. I am so impressed with how she handles the put downs and knock downs. I am not so strong and I allow them to affect me too much.
So I find I am especially grateful for her and Renée and the many other people that may play very small roles in my life but that build me up instead of tearing me down.
I am glad these two and others are still in my life, still checking up on me, and still believing in me, it has renewed my spirit at a time when I was beginning to let some jading happen and not so nice things were starting to slip from my mouth.
Though there is a whole lot of mess in our world there is still so much good and so many amazing people.

Memory Lane

My son found our old computer that got bogged down and slow so was replaced but not discarded due to the pictures that are currently preserved in the hard drive. My son got it turned on and found some interesting old games and the preserved pictures of his younger years.
Looking through old pictures is almost always fun to me.
It is fun to reflect and remember.
It can also be very satisfying to see the growth of your children and even yourself.
Yet it can be as equally difficult to see the days that are passed and people that have passed.
After our brief trip down memory lane, I felt rather empowered.
I have been feeling more and more like I am finding myself again, but still very gun shy and insecure, maybe embracing my Pro Crasta Nation ethnicity a bit too much as a result of this.
I have the luxury of not having to do a whole lot of things that most people have to do, like work full-time. And while things like this are luxuries they can easily become vices. Especially when you are feeling timid and unsure of yourself.
Looking through the pictures reminded me of so many things I have done. It also reminded me of how hard I have worked at and through so many things. Often in the midst of a whole lot of negativity surrounding me and pulling me down.
Never good enough and ever challenging peoples negative world, family, and self views, I have managed to live a whole lot of life and do many things.
I have been an involved and proactive mom. I have been there for my kids and I have worked hard to provide them with so many amazing opportunities. I have nurtured their individuality while teaching them to be sympathetic, empathetic and involved. I have worked hard despite intense opposition to maintain an at least a somewhat healthy lifestyle for myself and my kids.
I have down what I can to the extent that I can garnish support, which usually is not much, to remodel houses and create spaces and experiences that are beautiful, special, and magical.
I have tamed the the beasts of duality time and time again.
I have endured unfavorable circumstances and treatment for the sake of others; offering forgiveness and acceptance time and time again, choosing to continue to have faith and believe in them knowing that they also have demons of duality to fight.
I have put others before myself and I have tried hard to be what others have needed me to be while trying to maintain some sense of me.
I do not fight just for the sake of fighting and I do not try harm others and I also try to not harm others.
In our pictures I saw me. And I saw many years of many adventures and sincere efforts. I saw others and the magic and tragic they have brought to my life.
While mostly the memories preserved were happy, it was also clear why I would have become so broken and lost. It is not surprising that the car accident caused such an intense PTSD and that so many things were blocked and/or knocked from my memory.
Life, as beautiful and exciting as it is, is also so very complex. Relationships are so very complex and   they effect us so very profoundly.
So where do I go from here?
Do I continue finding the old me, or do I create a whole new me?
I believe the best answer lies somewhere in between.
Now off to conquer the world one sandcastle pile of dirty laundry at a time.

The Deep Psychology of Me

Humans are incredibly complex beings and yet sometimes I wonder if we really are all that complex. The same formulas, to trick and deceive people or to help and to build and all areas in between, work again and again; often repackaged in a trendy new way.

And if you really break things down so much is fundamentally the same. Their are commonalities across cultures, religions, races, etc. 

And yet we are so different and so many things go into the making and breaking of each person. 

It can be perplexing. 

The beauty in diversity and the dangers in conformity. These words can be just as true in the reverse. 

sigh...

my head is complex

and yet maybe not so much.

Right now I feel I am getting stronger but in it I also feel I am developing and/or nurturing habits of idleness and unmotivated lack of self discipline. I feel overwhelmed by all I feel I should do and that is bungled up by what I can do...

And so I do very little while I think very big. Likely afraid of my own shadow.

thus

...To blog

or not to blog?

that is the question.

blogging I feel like I am at least trying. I am at least putting it out there and maybe, maybe it will help someone else. 

plus, sometimes, when I choose to blog, on low-key sick days like today it forces me to face my deep psychology, to own it, to understand it, to even work through it. 

Or maybe that is what I tell myself to feel better about this somewhat satisfying waste of time?

What am I doing now? why do I undermine myself, my actions and my strengths?

I don't know but right now that is not the psychology of me I wish to examine. Right now I am very curious about bipolar and the effects that a therapist can have on a person. I am not sure if and what the link is in my personal case but I am fairly certain there is one.

But to bipolar

Why aren't there tests or ways to diagnose mania with physical/physiological evidence? I can tell you there was definitely something physiological happening. You can feel it. 

And I really want to know what it is. What is happening to a person's body and brain when that is happening. It should not be dismissed because it is so damn intense and it can be very scary. And Dr. She is correct, a persons rational/ sound reasoning continues to fade without proper treatment. 

I think about this now because I have stabilized enough to start forgetting and to start thinking maybe I would be fine without medication. I even think back to the beginning of the mania and think, "maybe now, knowing what I know, I could actually sustain that initial clarity, energy, spirituality, etc." I seem to especially think this when I read, see, or learn about things that are ethereal and/or transcendental. 

...but then I am reminded by things like watching The Greatest Showman, that I do not have the self discipline, or something, necessary  to contain, reframe and utilize my internal circus. I wish I were capable of tapping into that power to produce a tangible product and/or consortium that is reflective of that...

But I have failed there again and again. 

So I suppose it is not surprising I lack confidence. 

SO how do I change that?

They say you can't really understand the American Dream if you were born and raised in America. I think you can't really understand psychology if you were born and raised in a psychologically healthy environment and you are considered psychologically stable. 

so further down this rabbit hole...

but actually, maybe this is working my way out. 

A thing happened a few weeks ago. 

1st background clarification and my disclaimer is that this information cannot and should not be used without this background information. This confession is intended to analyze my own psychology in a way that may help others and to help me process the emotions I have packed away and compartmentalized. It is to help illustrate the psychology of people and meant to help people, including myself, come to terms with and understand they reasons for their sometimes painful psychological responses/reactions. 

Now remember when I was trying to figure out and stay ahead of the manic-bipolar and who-knows-what-else messed up place my head was in a year and so ago? Well, back then, I realized a thing or two about my ex-neuropsychologist and I also knew, just like he said, I didn't really know who he was. And not because, as he believed, I only knew what he allowed me to see, (because obviously I could see through some of his masks and games or things would not have ended as they had) but because I understood there was a lot effecting my perceptions of him but very little was grounded in reality. I say this because the therapeutic environment is not reality. I also knew that some of what I did see suggested he might be something else entirely. I knew, and he confirmed, that I really did not know who or what I was dealing with in that place that both broke me and gave me super powers (though unstable super-powers). So I did what any logically minded intelligent person does when they are trying to figure something out and need answers. I researched. I researched him. THIS IS NOT STALKING (though it is likely important to note that was an epiphany he either had or was suggesting to me. Maybe a warning that he would/or could make it appear that is what I was if I ventured to contact him. I don't know, the psychology of that day was extremely complex and twisted into a not-so-perfect storm of yin and yang).  When you find that out that the person you thought you knew in whatever the relationship was is maybe not what you thought, researching them is often a wise thing to do. For me, knowing who and what this man was could help me make sense of what had happened. And there is nothing that says I cannot research my medical providers or even that I may not try to contact them. However there are rules that state you have the right to
"Receive information about the individuals providing care, services, and treatment." (IHC Patient Rights )

But in my research I found the address for his home. I obviously have not used it for anything, and I know, based on things he told me, that it was likely not his home anymore but his ex-wife's. But I remembered the location. 

On a different note of background info, I have been looking to move since they took the horses away and turned the fields behind our house into a neighborhood. I have never particularly loved the location of our house but the privacy, view, and peacefulness of the horse pastures made it ok. When that left, I wanted to go too, so I have been watching the housing market from Ogden to SLC for years. I have long desired to move closer to SLC so I check some favored areas now and again even though my husband is not as keen to that idea. 

And now to the psychology of processing the event of a couple of weeks ago. In my scanning of homes for sale I noticed a home in a particular location that was familiar. I clicked on it to find that it was his, (Dr. P, Dr. He, Dr. Perri Cheri's)  old home. 

You can learn a lot about a person from their home. 

Or be completely fooled by the same token. 

I clicked through the pictures and it was very clearly confirmed that this was the home of his family. 

It was interesting at first, a little funny because I had stumbled onto it, but most it was very unsettling to me. It really bothered me.

Why this bothered me so much is strange to me. 

I thought about scheduling a showing, just to see what might come of that, just to satisfy some curiosity, and maaaybeee even to scare him a little. I thought about it for research reasons. Since I am not actually a stalker I did not feel any overwhelming, insatiable desire to do so, so I didn't.  If I had felt that I am certain I would have succumbed to it simply because of the locations of my TBI scarrings. 

So there is that and that is something.
Also I have finally come to accept that he (and they) truly is (are) and will use anything they can against me, and I am not actually interested in the property, so desire to schedule a showing passed rather quickly. 

Yet I was so deeply bothered that his house, his perfect charming, obviously well loved and well cared for house was being sold. 

Why did this bother me so deeply? The psychology of things like this can be so perplexing. It does not matter to me, it effects me in no way, I have no ties to any of this...

So why did it bother me so very much?

I cried and cried. I tried not allowing myself to think about it. I pushed it out of my head only to have it fall onto my heart and break it again, making these strange emotions spill out of my eyes again and again. 

I had to face something. 

Some deep psychology of something.

So why?

Was it because I was sad for his wife and kids?

Was it because I was afraid they were loosing there home?

Did this fear cause me to feel some fear of responsibility if I were to continue down the legal path I feel I have to follow because of how poorly I was handled and treated and the problems it has caused me and my family?

Was it because I had come to love his family due to the things he had shared with me about them and because I had loved him?

Was it simply confusion of emotions due to the mania that was so screwed with?

Was it because some part of me was afraid of loosing him even more since I would no longer have that ability to contact him or learn more about him? 

Did it bring up grieving that loss again?

What was it? and why?

Obviously it was all of those things. 

It was nothing and everything all at the same time, all tied up in a package of false hopes and manic fed and denied fantasies that I will shamelessly (okay, I'm not actually to that point yet) admit because that was my messed up reality that I was diligently striving to straighten out. 

And THAT THERE just might be the main reason it got to me; evidence of how hard I was trying to piece together and understand my reality despite the intensity of those emotions and my attachment to this man that was not real, even though it was and he was and I really did see things of him that were real and that I did connect with and love.

... and I feel strongly that this is why it is such an abuse for one person to make all the calls and not compromise at all even though it was their paid for job to care for and protect that person. 

It is hypocritical, contradictory, and abusive for therapists to have these intimate relationships and then to instantly pull the plug with no regard for the other person and how it is effecting them. Or to believe that no contact and no further discussion is fair if it is all entirely on their terms and the patients pleas are ignored no matter what. They can claim they are threatened or feel threatened and they have an automatic out, and if they truly are being threatened then I do not disagree with that, but the claim should not be used as an offensive preemptive strike, that is fraudulent AND slanderous. 

...and here I go, thinking to process the emotional disturbance of his house for sale, but sliding easily back into my disgruntled frustration about the irresponsible and unjust abuses of their power and of their blatant malpractice. It is extra frustrating because he was not simply a therapist but was my neuropsychologist and filling a much more medical role than a therapist role. He also has (or should) the training, education and licensing to diagnosis, which he obviously missed or used against me. 

These realities, at least, are helping me to see the reality of his lies and how I was simply a game to him and maybe even to them.
...Which at least helps set my heart free from the trap he tried to lock it in. 

Is this the deep psychology of me or of psychology?

"Respect MY AuthOR-i-TYE" ...naahh

Every time someone tells me I need to let it go I feel like, more than anything, it feeds my fire. I try real hard not to get angry and overly defensive. I try to examine the psychology of this reaction and ask why.
Sometimes it bothers me less than other times.
I think it especially fuels my fire when it is coming from people who know very little and/or who have tried very little to understand.
I also think I feel my fire being fueled because it has always gotten my goat how infrequently we actually have the courage to stand up for each other and how much re-victimizing is happening in our world because we expect the victims to "just let it go" and "get over it" when abuses and/or problems are still happening and when there are so many things that could be changed if people would just speak up and expect the change. While there is some need for "letting it go," and for forgiveness, there is also a lot of abuse and maybe a bit of conspiracy to this often overly used premise.
A movie review.
We watched the movie "Ford Vs. Ferrari" and mostly I loved it. I especially loved that it celebrated and honored Ken Miles.
But, what I did not love, was the subliminal message that so many movies and media sources feed to all of us common folk; That our submission to those in power and who have money is noble and honorable. And, regardless of how poorly they may treat us, that our dedication and loyalty should lie with those who have power over us and/or have financially funded, in any way, any part of what we have done.
It is times like this that I see just how much of a nonconforming conformist I really am.
I really do my best to conform to societies rules and expectations if I see the value to them and if they are beneficial to humanity... but when I don't see the point or if it the conformity goes against my core values, or ideals of humanity... I get all light up.
I think I may become something akin to a damned-if-I-do-damned-if-I-don't fireball of utopian ideals and ...integrity, I suppose, though I may be just as lit up at myself for my own cowardice and hypocrisy.
I wish I knew better how to direct and utilize this part of me.
A power source that can both comfort and terrify; that can both nourish and drain people.
....and as I am loosing my focus, my mind wanders to one of my recent epiphanies
If people be power trippin' on you, than you must be a significant source of power.

Trying to make sense of reality when reality is insane

Dr. She has been so immensely helpful. I keep thinking I need to cut back. I fear the attachment. But every time I see her she helps me so very much with her knowledge. She really understands the physiology and psychology of what is going on with me and her explanations and clarifications are so very helpful.
She is especially helpful at helping me piece together reality.
Sometimes I think I am farther along in this process than I really am. It is very hard for me to accept the harsh realities that are completely insane but are not my insanity. It is also very hard because, as Dr. She pointed out, many of my interpretations were skewed by the manic lens I was looking through.
For example the possibility of Dr. P being a grooming psychologist weighs heavy on my conscience because if he is, he is so sly and cunning he is doing it in a way that would get his patients to be the instigators and then, using implied feelings and the patients vulnerabilities, he'll manipulate them to protect himself. He would be the type of master manipulator that would have everyone eating out the palm of his hand while believing the victim was the one to blame. Even the victims would blame themselves.
I try to explain the evidence that suggests this possibility to Dr. She. She thinks I credit Dr. P, and maybe people in general, with too much intelligence. This is a place where she reminds me I was seeing and trying to solve through that manic lens.
I consider her points and I explain more. I tell her I am trying to understand if this is a real possibility or if it is an error in my thinking that needs to be corrected.
We were not able to process all that has replayed in my head for far too long, fed, when I said, by the stupidity of the institute that I loved and trusted, that I was trying to piece together my very broken reality -while still very broken and being treated as a liability rather than a patient. I want to correct the errors in my thinking. I wanted to then. I wanted to understand reality and I needed to be treated for the conditions that were breaking me from it, so now it should not be terribly surprising that the processing is still going on.
So even though Dr. She seems to think the grooming scenario is highly unlikely the verdict is still out. Though there is some some lighting of the burden knowing she thinks it is highly unlikely,
I am not entirely convinced that Dr. P was not grooming and here are the reasons why:
1. because of how I broke and how it effected me and my husband after
2. because he manipulated me to protect himself
3. because of how he worked to keep people from talking to me
4. because the implied feelings of countertransference where complete lies or words carefully said so that I could be easily manipulated later and said in such a way that no matter how I interpreted his implied feelings and carefully worded phrases I could be accused of twisting his words and intentions.
And it is obvious they were lies because of how I was handled and treated and because of the false allegations made against me and how he has used everything he can against me and continued with the perpetuation of harm, even when I was clearly not looking to harm him (if I had been I would have told the patient advocate all things that would have been incriminating from the beginning and I would have had no problem talking to Dr. Concussion about what happened and I would not have done many other stupid things I did because I needed to figure out was going on with my head but I did not want him to get in trouble for it- like my statement of "I am not sure what it looks like yet but I know I need to stand up for myself" and my unwillingness to confide in Office director all that he has said. And I would not have tried to follow there rules that I neither knew or understood).
5. Because I was definitely set up by the Patient Experiences -that is painfully real and disturbing. It is not so subtle that the insanity was coming from their side when I was accused of harassment for unwanted contact even though in the last conversation I had with the patient advocate she invited me to reach out to her if I ever needed to talk and nothing contrary was EVER said.
6. As my sister pointed out, some of the bullshit he fed me is right out of "the players handbook"
7. The cover up, the pushing me out, and exiling of me being the only option the Neuroscience Institute was open to
8. He tried to make me out to be a stalker which was also either an epiphany or suggestion he was giving in one of my last conversations with him
9. because he acknowledged that he broke me but then dismissed and denied it.
10. Dr. Concussion  would talk to me and the conversation would go one way and then she would talk to him and she would then treat a completely different way, basically not at all. It was like she was playing games with me
11. Dr. Concussion acknowledged that "we need to get you stable" but then after talking to Dr. P she avoided treating, prescribing, and simply gave me two names of people to call and then in my medical records she reported inaccurately what I had said about suicidal thoughts and her conversation with Dr. P was reported in a way that made it sound as though I was stalking
12. The kind of game playing and manipulations, the way I was treated by office staff, and the fact that Dr. P was not even being willing to apologize made absolutely no sense to my rational side but plenty to the manic cycling side and makes even less sense and are becomes infuriating the more rational, stable, and normal I become.
13. On paper I was the prime target
14. because he and/or they have and/or are actually trying to criminalize me for this whole deal and are using false allegations to do so
15. because of the multiple times of negligence, malpractice, and even reckless endangerment -these things just do not make sense to me but it does make some sense if he was/is a groomer trying to keep his doings hidden
16. He obviously did not have any authentic feelings for me but their were sexual references and suggestions (my traumatized childhood reliving ptsd mind picked up on them but did not quite understand until my manic broken mind became hyper sexual). Playing with fire, flittering with disaster, maybe.
But maybe he dumped me when he did because he realized I was not going to play that way, or he thought his grooming was not working on me. But it actually was, just not how he anticipated, that is why I broke... and sent emails that alerted, therefore there was no going back.
It is a possibility, but Dr. She thinks it highly unlikely because she thinks if he had been grooming he would have known he had me right where he wanted me and he would have succeeded in achieving his desired sexual outcome.
I try to tell her I would not have succumbed; that is the thing about me, If any broken vulnerable soul can beat or catch a grooming psychologist in his game, I assure you it is me. Maybe a bit naive, but playful while solid in my rancher style boundaries and values, I will not simply give in to suggestions of sexuality, and if too bold I would shut it down so fast and so bold even a narcissist would blush with insecurity.
I had told Dr. She that, at one point in my emotional manic mess, I confessed to my poor husband that if Dr. P were to ask me to I'd leave my husband for him. For this reason Dr. She thinks he had me and I would have lost the game. This may be a common misconception and over the years I have learned that in sexuality, many people work very different than me, and though what I said to my husband at that manic moment I meant, for me leaving does not equate to sex, it equates to exploring possibilities that could not be ignored due to the intensity of my feelings AND because even in my manic mess, I knew that reality is the quickest way to kill fantasy and that exploring that possibility outside of that environment, -where, btw, I was holding boundaries better than my therapist- I would know or be able to discern better what the reality was.
Even manic, I am still intelligent and can hold boundaries, that was the fantastic feet that I AM proud of myself for and the most wrong about me that they, the Neuroscience Institute, are while at the same time the very trait they could benefit most from by working WITH me if they could get themselves and their egos out of their way.
...I suppose it is possible I am incorrect in that leaving would not lead to sex had it been a grooming thing... because the mania did, in fact, hyper that drive, and he obviously had some significant power over me...
but alas
He never asked so we will never know and we will never know if he would have asked had I not broken so big and scared him away from his target by possibly alerting his place of employment with my manic emails that were meant to not be missed.
Who knows?
All we really know is that obviously something was very wrong about this situation and how was being handled.
and my being blamed and shamed for it are reason 17 that I am not totally convinced that he was not diabolical in his motives.
I think I have said quite enough for today
and its time to put my tired head away.

Maintaining control in the face of adversity.

My daughter says "sometimes how you say things is not what you mean" and she is concerned I will get myself into trouble because of how others will use what I say against me.
I feel a lot of things hearing my daughter talk about this. She says, "I hate feeling powerless and I hate that there is nothing I can do." She is referring to standing up for me or helping with the mess that broke me and caused significant harm to me and my family.
How sad is that, that my daughter is afraid for me and our family for my trying to stand up for myself and she feels powerless because she has seen that my efforts to find out what was going on with my head and to have the TBI, PTSD, and Bipolar troubles that were happening acknowledged, discussed and treated have resulted in blaming, shaming, stigmatizing, victimizing and re-victimizing, and straight up abuse and ill intent by those in power.
** she is why I removed the names from the previous post of those that absolutely should be named; because she is correct; they will use it against me if they can. She does not know about this action and reaction of mine but I want readers to understand that they only reason I am allowing myself to be bullied and silenced by this institution is because I don't want my family to suffer any more than they already have.

....but this is also where I start to feel really conflicted and extremely angry. It should not be this way and my fighting alone, trying to save others from the pain it indirectly and/or directly causes them has likely been a major contributor to this mess. I don't want to be a burden, I am willing to own my own,  and I am trying to handle something too big and not solely my problem on my own. Part of why is because the rejection of being denied help or ignored when I ask for help is extremely painful. But that may be exactly why the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute has treated me the way they have. ..."Untied we stand, divided we fall" ...because if it seems nobody really gives a shit about me then why should they? For all intents and purposes it appears their bottom line is $ and alone I do not offer a significant source of that. In fact, for my families sake, I asked them to refund my bills because they were refusing me my patient rights (according to their patient bill of rights) and they were refusing me services while not referring me out appropriately. My husband did get involved in that one. But they would offer none and no apology. They missed and misdiagnosed and would not discuss or change their inaccuracies and for this I am punished again and again, while the stress of it is hurting my family and very possibly literally burning me out physically.
But I can do nothing.
and my kids are learning this very harsh life lesson, that I strongly disagree with; That we are powerless against corporations and people in power who are abusive, dishonest, corrupt, and/or whatever they are.
So then a part of me says something to the effect of "what if MLK went along with this kind of thinking?"
And I think I will fight. For now I will take the names off for my daughters sake as I take her advice to be careful in how I proceed, but I will not stop fighting for the injustices and straight up abuses I have endured at the hands of those who were in power and had an ethical, moral, and most likely legal obligation to treat me fairly. It is not right for them to vilify and try to criminalize me for their mistakes. It is not right for them to stigmatize, slander, and manipulate things to try and make it appear that I am things that I am not, to cover up their mistakes, or to protect their egos, pride and pocketbooks. It is not right for them to cause harm and then continue to perpetuate the harm once they know they are causing harm just because they either fear the repercussions, they are lazy, or, again, they simply want to protect their own ego's and/or pocketbooks. It is not right that I was so incredibly vulnerable and they knew it and they twisted and manipulated my vulnerabilities anyway they could to work it in their favor.
Alone or not
I will fight.
And if they really want to turn me into a criminal for trying to take care of me and my family while trying to protect the very therapist that made serious mistakes and acknowledged breaking me, and for standing up for myself, for trying to understand, for seeking clarification and for trusting and loving them, then I so be it.
I would rather go to jail unjustly than allow this kind of warped bullying and abuse. If I am allowing it to happen to me I am also turning a blind eye to others that are suffering and being abused by the same systems.
AND THIS IS NOT OKAY

Burning Out just for you J P

If I am being perfectly honest, lately I find myself being a touch jealous of my younger cousin that dropped dead in the middle of the night.

And then I feel torn between living harder or trying to find that homeostatic balance that will keep me around for longer. 

My mom used to tease me that I was like, "Look at me. No don't look at me." and that is kind of an accurate description of how I am. I want to speak out but I don't want it to be the Look at Me show and I don't really want the attention or maybe it is the expectations I don't want. Also when I have problematic symptoms I mention them so subtle at first, but if continues I bring it up more plainly but then I instantly hide and shy away from addressing them.

I want to be done, I want to quit and yet I mostly don't. But even in those times when I really want to quit I still keep fighting.

Like today. I needed to get a new blood test done. Turns out my concern about the initial blood draw being done later than it should have been done was valid. The doctor said that my cortisol was a little low but he felt that it was likely fine since I had done the draw later than I was supposed to. The lab tech thought it would be fine so I went along with it but it did not sit well so I decided to go back and have blood drawn again at the correct time. Dr. Endocrine did not have the results back form the second draw by the time I had my follow up appointment with him. He told me he thought it would show normal since everything else had and cortisol drops throughout the day, but he would get back to me if there was any discrepancy with sthe second draw. I questioned a lot about it. And depending on whether you are one who is hopping for my thriving survival or you are one who feels the way the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute feels and would rather I die, that was a good or bad thing because as it turns out, the second draw showed cortisol as definitely low. 

This does not surprise me. I was in fight or flight crazy manic/bipolar cycling for so long and the trauma that the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute was causing and/or exacerbating was so insane that nobodies endocrine system can keep functioning properly. 

They literally were burning me out.

So now a new blood test has to be done and we need to find out if and what mechanism is failing, or something like that. 

But, going back to the honesty I started with, I find myself wondering if I really should even worry about it. I can just let myself go. But it does sound like a very slow and boring death... and I suppose, maybe what keeps bringing my fight back is that if I am going to be alive I want a decent quality of life. I don't want to fight just to survive, I want to thrive if I have to be alive.

And now I will loop again back to my systems that seem to be breaking down from all of this trauma

Seizures

the EEG showed evidence and I had been a touch suspicious before that. However I did not want to admit or face that entirely so I do what I didn't know that I do so well and have downplayed and hiden that mostly. I especially am fearful of facing the possibility of seizures because the mood stabilizer I am on, quetiapine, "can reduce seizure threshold" and I genuinely fear messing with the medication that has been so very helpful and that has brought more stability and sanity back. 

But the other night, actually 4:30am, I was awakened by a convulsion that was so strong it hurt my back and the images inside my head shaking severely as if my brain were shot circuiting or an actual clip from certain 90's rock music videos. This time I could not deny it nor pretend that maybe it was not a seizure. I did a little reading online and it all seems to confirm that. I found that seizures can be referred to as electrical storms and I found myself thinking, "Yep, that is a good description." 

But now what?

I had an appointment with psychiatric PA and she is concerned about the seizures so she once again sent the referral to the University Hospital neurologist. She really wants me to have a neurologist to coordinate with and overseeing treatment. She will consult with Dr. Odd for now but we both (and my children who have meet him especially) agree that he is not the best fit for me since he clearly does not like to handle TBI related stuff. 

However, the neurologist providers she is associated with called today to let me know they got the referral and to check my insurance, only to find that they don't take my insurance. SIGH...

Guess who does, and who they have actually suggested I go to instead the last time they called about the referral... 

So am stuck in this crazy loop unable to get to the neurologists I need. 

and half the time I'm like, who gives a shit (because really, who does) I am tired of fighting and trying anyway, while the other half the time I'm like "I want to live!" and seizures get in the way.

It's almost as if I am in a "give me liberty or give me death" kind of position.

whatever.

And life is so much more complex than even this. 

But I'll save that for another day.

Although I would like to share a theory I have about the quetaipine and the seizure activity. 

Maybe it is not getting rid of mania but rather reformatting it. Since that manic energy is no longer coming out, but maybe it still needs to, so it now comes out in an angry electrifying seizure burst. 

Maybe Quetiapine just reformats the mania into seizures. 

And then it turns into a game of "would you rather"

But the most annoying and disturbing part is that if the damn Intermountain Neuroscience Institute would have listened to me and treated me appropriately when I was manic and trying to figure that out while trying to protect the neuropsychologist that broke me, it is highly likely my brain would not be responding in this way. 

The stress and trauma is resulting in my brain literally shutting down.

Thanks * (names removed)* and the he-who-shall-not-be-named coward of a medical director. Thank you so much! you are so kind and caring. 

And even better, they decided to sick a lawyer on me threatening to and criminalize me and sue me for seeking clarification, understanding, resolution, and even medical care. 

It's disgusting. 

And I will not be silenced**. 

Give me Justice or Give me death! 

(because death is happening anyway)

* names removed because they can and have lied and they will use it against me, that much I know is real.
**Actually I am being silenced. They are they hold the power the money and the all of the cards and they have made false allegations and set things up so they could criminalize and penalize me for speaking up, speaking up and standing up for myself. It is very disgusting and disturbing.