Memory Lane

My son found our old computer that got bogged down and slow so was replaced but not discarded due to the pictures that are currently preserved in the hard drive. My son got it turned on and found some interesting old games and the preserved pictures of his younger years.
Looking through old pictures is almost always fun to me.
It is fun to reflect and remember.
It can also be very satisfying to see the growth of your children and even yourself.
Yet it can be as equally difficult to see the days that are passed and people that have passed.
After our brief trip down memory lane, I felt rather empowered.
I have been feeling more and more like I am finding myself again, but still very gun shy and insecure, maybe embracing my Pro Crasta Nation ethnicity a bit too much as a result of this.
I have the luxury of not having to do a whole lot of things that most people have to do, like work full-time. And while things like this are luxuries they can easily become vices. Especially when you are feeling timid and unsure of yourself.
Looking through the pictures reminded me of so many things I have done. It also reminded me of how hard I have worked at and through so many things. Often in the midst of a whole lot of negativity surrounding me and pulling me down.
Never good enough and ever challenging peoples negative world, family, and self views, I have managed to live a whole lot of life and do many things.
I have been an involved and proactive mom. I have been there for my kids and I have worked hard to provide them with so many amazing opportunities. I have nurtured their individuality while teaching them to be sympathetic, empathetic and involved. I have worked hard despite intense opposition to maintain an at least a somewhat healthy lifestyle for myself and my kids.
I have down what I can to the extent that I can garnish support, which usually is not much, to remodel houses and create spaces and experiences that are beautiful, special, and magical.
I have tamed the the beasts of duality time and time again.
I have endured unfavorable circumstances and treatment for the sake of others; offering forgiveness and acceptance time and time again, choosing to continue to have faith and believe in them knowing that they also have demons of duality to fight.
I have put others before myself and I have tried hard to be what others have needed me to be while trying to maintain some sense of me.
I do not fight just for the sake of fighting and I do not try harm others and I also try to not harm others.
In our pictures I saw me. And I saw many years of many adventures and sincere efforts. I saw others and the magic and tragic they have brought to my life.
While mostly the memories preserved were happy, it was also clear why I would have become so broken and lost. It is not surprising that the car accident caused such an intense PTSD and that so many things were blocked and/or knocked from my memory.
Life, as beautiful and exciting as it is, is also so very complex. Relationships are so very complex and   they effect us so very profoundly.
So where do I go from here?
Do I continue finding the old me, or do I create a whole new me?
I believe the best answer lies somewhere in between.
Now off to conquer the world one sandcastle pile of dirty laundry at a time.