In my last blog entry I tackle and confess this:
"Until the realization filters in... "He really never loved you." That therapist that broke me. He simply used my intensities and my feelings to protect himself from the mistakes he had made with me. I was nothing special to him, simply a rebound toy of flattery that he used to stroke his own ego."After posting I remembered this:
"This is something Dr. She initially was trying to help me see."
I thought to add it but just never got around to it. Maybe because it deserves its own post of analysis.
Even before Dr. She suggested this to me, I could logically see the aforementioned, but my messed up chemistry kept me from fully understanding this. Ironically I seemed to understand this as a logical possibility most clearly at the beginning, when I was most intense and most certainly manic. But I remained in messed up chemistry for far too long and it kept me from fully accepting or understanding this. This is likely hard for others to understand, believe me it is very confusing. It was very confusing for me too -maybe especially. However, Dr. She has explained this too; If it is authentic/true bipolar mania then rational/sane thinking continues to decline without proper treatment. Yep. That was happening.
So I could see it and understand it logically yet I could not fully understand or accept it.
Let us now analyze why.
I think it was due partly (and maybe largely) to the intensity of mania.
My feelings were SOOOO intense and he used manipulative or careless tactics to imply that he had developed feelings for me. My logical mind saw that these things were implied and picked up on the other parts of communication that told me he was scared and more than anything concerned about how his boundary violations could get him into trouble, maybe cost him his license. I believe it is most likely that he implied these things in an attempt to gain my sympathies so that I would not report or "come after" him. I understood this then and throughout but I also felt very strongly the emotions that I had felt.
It is possible those feelings were just my feelings being projected and then reflected back at me. This is type of a therapist trick after all, and I even pointed it out to Dr. He "so basically I am supposed to expose myself completely to you while you sit behind a mirrored mask penetrating my thoughts. AND I am not supposed to get into your head. That's screwed up."
Therapists have a tendency to say things in implied ways so that you can interpret it how you will. I knew and saw this right off too.
But still I could not accept that he did not reciprocate the intensity of feelings I felt toward him.
And I believe a huge part of that was simply a form of self preservation as everything that was happening physically and biologically was really too much. I was not capable of grieving that loss and even less able to handle the harsh rejection and malpractice/negligence of the whole deal. I was far too vulnerable and far too broken.
PTSD had me processing as a child and as an adult while at the same time bipolar and increased mood instability were rearing their ferocious heads. The decreased mood stability was and is most likely due to the added brain injury that actually shows up on MRI and in the mirror location to the TBI from my youth. A location that has been tied to -dun, dun, dun- mood stability and even impulse control.
These physical problems were manifesting but the Neuroscience Institute and other providers had failed to order an MRI so they did not have this information. These physical manifestations came in conjunction with the work Dr. He and I had been doing to uncover my buried story and to embrace my perfectly imperfect self, which was way more significant than likely anyone knew since it was through dealing with and learning about TBI that I was realizing so many things about myself and just how broken I really was and why.
...Then, add to that relationship problems, my low self worth, and that I have had a tendency to put myself in the second class position to friends, family members and just about everybody ...
it starts to make sense that I needed to believe that he couldn't handle me because he loved me...
But that was not real and I knew it and needed to see it to break the spell that would keep me cycling in the insanity of the manic fed delusions.
In reality I did not need to believe that he loved me the way I loved him, I did not even need to believe in the counter transference; what I needed was to see that the countertransference was not real or at least not in the way that my mania was grabbing onto. I needed him to be real. I asked for this when I didn't dare explain things because I was afraid he would get into trouble that could possibly cost him his license. I was afraid of this because he had said it to me.
I needed them to see how compromised I was and I needed to be treated accurately and fairly. I also needed to be listened to and my experiences and efforts regarded with intelligence and respect, not ego and fear. I needed them to be my allies working with me to help me solve it. I begged for this and I trusted them again and again when they suggested this was also their intentions. Unfortunately these suggestion were also manipulations and attempts to simply cover their legal asses. Thus it is fraud.
The thing is, while I have not been through anything like this, I have managed through other situations that had some similar characteristics and I have learned what works and what helps. I am not perfect at it and I have lost friends and relationships over the years in my attempts. But still I had complete confidence that with their claimed expertise and if they could just be honest with me we could get me through and figure out what was really going on with my head. They failed. They failed me. They are likely failing other patients in their ego's, pride, arrogance, ignorance, and fraudulence.
I know I speak boldly and that scares and angers people. But I speak the truth and the truth of the matter is, I would still rather help them than file a lawsuit against them.
So, though I know it is likely they will only read this to try and find things to hold against me and to use to cause further harm to me, I am still inviting them to listen and resolve this with me.
Even as I fight, I will keep holding out hope that they will see, this whole time, I have not been fighting against them but rather I have been fighting to save me.
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