Sometimes I need somewhere to escape to. Sometimes I want to run away.
Too many of my people only love me when I am exactly what they need me to be, the rest of the time they simple tolerate to the best of their ability. It's partly my fault because I have a history of being what people need me to be at the expense of me. And I apologize for the burden I am when I feel they are merely tolerating.
I have to think on this one and try to discern what is healthy and realistic. What do I need to fix, what can I fix, and how do I go about it?
If I try exclusively to fix me for them, that does not work. I end up loosing me and since lost me is not really what they want or need they end up unhappy with me anyway.
I realize I need to have more confidence in me and expect to be treated better. At this point in my life I am finding that tricky.
An added challenge for me is that little detail of not being able to entirely trust my confidence. I have swung too far before.
At one point everything in my life made sense. A culminating event. I knew and understood clearly who I was and what I was supposed to do...
Well, kind of.
It was more of a tau thing where I had no idea what I was supposed to do but I knew I was precisely where I needed to be and all the mysteries of my personal universe were coming together to reveal exactly what I was set up to be and what I was supposed to do. My personal mission.............
...................
....................................................................................................... but......................................................
It was not so.
And I was denied
by my guide
that was merely an allusion of deity
...an illusion that was playing with me.
It was not real
I was not real
he was not real
my feelings were too real
and too strong
for too long.
but not real, I guess.
and now
now...............................................................................
Its all on me. all of the blame. all of the shame for his game. It's is all on me. Because I broke under the pressure. The intensity of me coupled with he - stir in some confusion from home- so often alone- and I broke under the burden of trying to be everything they all need but not for me.
-I think I am going to go to bed now.-
I broke from the heavy burden and now I am the heavy burden.
Though I still do try not to be.
but I guess that is me.
too heavy of a burden even for those who are trained to handle them...
the slippery slope
we easily slide
if we don't coincide
with the other side
of our duality.
Maybe someday I will find me.
and maybe that will mean I will have to be just me....
alone
me alone.
for now, I'm going to bed.
enjoying the luxuries that others provide for me in spite of the burden I am
and that is nice
for me
so I will take my drugs that keep my head straight and go to bed.
live to see another day
and try to get my head to stay
out of my own way
good day.
**side note. For the record, aside from the thank you card, I never once tried to contact those I am being accused of harassing for ANYTHING other then trying to understand what was going on with my head. I asked for medical and record clarification, and only things related to why I was there in first place. All attempts were within the realm of my patients rights and were attempts to clear up misunderstandings and also attempts to stand up for myself without causing harm to them. I don't think they had the same intention, to not cause harm that is.
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