Art is madness put on display.
That is the thought I had while at a dance show with my daughter yesterday.
The world is madness.

the Marionette Master

The ringing in my ear is nagging. It is more noticeable now that my thoughts have slowed with the assistance of medication.
What it is nagging me to do I am not always sure of.
Currently I find it very difficult to do anything. It takes immense effort to trust people and I am not really sure of how to proceed with anything.
Dr. She assures me that my current circumstances are far from normal in regards to the way this is going to effect a person psychologically.
That is good to know, because I'm like, "is this what it is going to be like, is this what my body is going to do now every time something is hard and stressful?"
But really we don't know.
I do know that a person can only take so many hits before they really cannot get up again. And I do know the TBI mood instability issues I have, have altered the course of my life...
I have to accept a new me, a new norm and yet I have no idea what that really is and what that really looks like because I have one man who has been determined to make it a mess for me and now he is determined to have me exiled from anyone in the industry because he is claiming it to be his place where I am not welcome. The only thing that makes sense to me (as to why he has me so unwelcome in my place of existence) is that he is claiming this because he wants to hide what he really is and how he is using and abusing people with head injuries. It is very scary and he knows he can win, he knows I don't have a fighting chance, because he knows my disadvantages and he knows how to manipulate people and the system. He knows how to turn people into his puppets, marionettes on strings he is pulling with his sweet tones and dimples and his carefully and strategically chosen words. He is brilliant and he knows what he is doing.
The good little puppets he works with drink it up and play along, loathing me for trying to cut their puppet strings so that they can do their jobs and be real humans.

Reality Hits Hard

They want me not to speak out. They want me not to stand up for myself. They literally want me to burn out and die.
They have literally been setting me up.
I have long felt and suspected this. My sister, the prison guard has repeatedly warned me of this, and my rational brain saw it. But since I am something like a foolish Pollyanna of the mentally ill and brain injured I could not believe it. ... and I kept walking right into their traps.

The reality of this, the gravity of what I have -now obviously intentionally- been put through hit me hard today.
And I once again found myself in tears in a public place.
Costco this time.
Streaming.
I couldn't keep them back at all.
Fortunately a friendly Costco employee was compassionate and buoyed me up enough to get out the door without completely flooding the store.
But a breakdown of yet another new kind. A real, normal, too much stress on a person break down. Not mania, not TBI, not mood instability, but reality sinking in and sinking in hard.
A complete and intentional set up...
How on earth was I stupid enough to keep walking back into it? They likely even want me to appear to be a conspiracy theorist.
The irony of that is so comical. The one person in my family who is not overly paranoid, the one who chooses to trust and believe in humanity, is the one who has actually been set up in the most diabolical and unimaginable way. The irony of how two days prior Dr. She told me I need to be more cynical of people. And the irony of how when the threat arrived from the mail lady, I had just sat down to write out the importance of what they missed and why it is important that they do not miss or dismiss, because I wanted do what I could to make sure it did not happen to other patients. The irony.

They want me scarred. and
I am scared now
but not just for me, for others.
They are or he is clearly very dangerous. 
He even warned me of these things...
"You only know what I let you see" [of him]
"I told you not to try and solve this"
"So we agree to a clean break"
"What we have had is a beautiful thing, I would not want to fuck that up"
"I am okay with being wrong"
"I don't believe in forever anymore"
"why, are you a stalker" with a suggestive epiphany inflection
"I going to let it burn out and I [advice or suggest] you to do the same"
"I'm a snake?" the inflection and then the disappointment when he realized what I actually thought that meant. (It was a spirit animal thing that can be explained easily through the lens of mania.)
and even possibly his rubbing his right eye with his middle finger when I played a song for him to explain the transference I was feeling... although that one may have been a different kind of suggestion...
a snake in the grass...
most certainly not the healing snake of caduceus that I wanted to believe he was, that I needed him to be.
Naseau. I have been bitten by a snake in the grass and it has made me very ill.

Met with Dr. She today. She tells me I have very good coping skills even when I think I don’t. I say thank you.
Then I got to hang out with my beautiful friend.
And it was good.
But somehow I am stupidly still struggling.
My head is tired and it hurts so my eyes start to leak uncontrollably.
...and I find myself praying to God that he call me home soon...

So here I am... positively coping on my blog again... while praying I can be called home soon.
I won’t make the journey uninvited
But I’m so tired
And tired of the ringing in my ear.
... and I’m not really strong enough to keep fighting back...
So now I pray for the patients and others I really am not strong enough to get back up for...

Maybe tomorrow......

Knocked down again. Getting back up. And I will not Give up my Constitutional Rights for Bullies.

Nov. 2018
"why, are you a stalker?" he says with a light up in his eyes and the inflection of an epiphany.
Or is it a suggestion?
I am not sure. Under the circumstances of what he has implied and based on my intense feelings it feels like a suggestion to me and yet it is clearly an epiphany and I already know logically that it is a set up and yet another confession of his intentions.
Another truth about his manipulations that I did not want to believe but the evidence was clear as evidenced in my medical records in January when I went to Concussion doctor to try and understand what was going on with my head and what to do about it. In my records she documents some of her conversation with him and he claims I have made repeated attempts to contact him. The only attempt to contact outside of getting medical care and trying to understand what was going on with my head and why (without getting him into trouble because he had told me he could loose his license because of me -which did not make sense to me so I figured the institution was the threat) was a thank you card that I had sent after my last manic crazy appointment with him. A thank you note I sent to him through his office when I still trusted him so completely and wanted to show my appreciation. It was a manic gesture sent because he had shared with me that once a client had sent him a thank you letter and he appreciated it. I know it was a manic gesture because it was too soon after, probably too intense, and (and this one is most important) I had completely forgotten I had sent it. I only remembered when I later saw my general family PA and she thanked me for the very kind thank you note I sent to her. I had sent them at the same time.
Aside from that he was a medical provider for me, there were reasons to contact him, especially under the circumstances, clarification was needed and my head was very broken and a mess and that happened on his watch. Now looking more and more likely that it might have been due to his watch.
But he had set a trap.
A Trap within a trap, within a trap, within a trap, within a trap... one of my neighbors pointed out not too long ago, but before this very solid evidence of the stalking trap he had set.
"cease and desist" they are threatening.
and "govern myself accordingly"
"According to what?" I wonder.
Their threats, misconduct and mistreatment?
His desire for me to burn out and sacrifice myself for him thus keeping me from getting appropriate care and medical attention? This expectation equates to an expectation of suicide when it is coming from a trusted therapist and medical providers that are claiming you are not what you are (manic and then fading from the very real and very extreme physiological effects).
Or shall I govern myself according to what is truly ethical, and right and just? then I most certainly have complaints to file, charges to make, and a battle to fight and the UCLA might be who I need Since they are demanding and commanding me to give up my constitutional right to freedom of speech, the only thing I have left in figuring this out and trying to get the help I need and seeking fair treatment and justice for other patients as well. I am not so stupid as to suppose I am the only one and I am blown away at the lengths they are, or he is, willing to go to cover his indiscretions that I repeatedly explained and showed I was able to forgive and over look, and that I really did not care about other than because it was keeping me from getting the help that I needed.

This morning I am beat down. I cannot get up. I did but then I am down again. Afraid to even leave my house. Unable to get out of bed again. I thought I was strong... Empowered by the injustice and obvious abuse of it initially... but then finding my body pushing back again against medication and fading again. Feeling every hit from every source, including my family and the lack of support I feel there, something he knew -documented in his reports of me...
and I am hearing them say, "just stay down, don't get back up, they will just keep knocking you down. Just stay down"
They don't understand that I am cornered in the madness, if I stay down I bleed out and die, not getting the help I need.
Or if I stay down other patients will be turned on and beat up next ...and they may not be as strong as I am. They may die more easily. They are victims too and I cannot stay down and let that happen.
I have to get up. I need to keep fighting.
So here I am.
Getting back up.
I see clearly that they will fight me to, and hope for, my death. And maybe that will be the end result, but I will keep fighting until the wrongs are righted and changes have been made that will help patients -not hurt and continue to harm them. They are proving what I feared in their investigation and the concern I expressed when I asked them to stop the investigation until I understood or at least until they had my side of the story. They would not and did not stop or pause the investigation at that request. They are proving that they are making and have made changes that further reinforce the bad policies that have and continue to harm me. That will harm others.
I will keep fighting until I have nothing left, they have already destroyed enough for me, if they really wish to destroy me entirely than I will keep putting up a fight and I will keep talking about it. Only now I no longer need to speak to solve, now I need to speak to educate and inform. ...and to stay up and alive.
I have tested my theories and my doubts, I have tried to work this out with them and I have repeatedly asked for clarification if I was misunderstanding -which has repeatedly been denied with a claim that I was threatening. The only reason I would be a threat is if they are trying to hide something or things that are wrong. The only "threat" they can claim I have made is reporting them to the appropriate legal and governing bodies, something that I did not want to do if I were misunderstanding and when my brain was such a mess, but clearly my misunderstanding was in trusting them and hoping/believing that what had happened to me was an honest mistake and not something diabolical...
Keep getting up. I need to keep getting out of bed, keep getting up, keep believing in humanity or at least fighting for it...
I'm up now and just like a fighter who has been knocked down so many time but just keeps getting up I am shaky and week. It is taking so much energy to get up and stay up. To keep going no matter what that looks like.

This is so bizarre and I hate what they have done to my body.

fighting to survive again. I will not die so easily

I WILL NOT DIE FOR YOU!!!
I SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE AND WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO REINFORCE BUT I WILL NOT DIE SO EASILY.
I WILL NOT GO DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT JUST SO YOU CAN COVER YOUR INDISCRETIONS!!!

I WILL NOT DIE FOR YOU!
I WILL NOT COMMIT SUICIDE BECAUSE YOU WANT ME TO. BECAUSE IT WILL BENEFIT YOU.
I WILL NOT DIE FOR YOU AND YOUR LIES!!!!

AND I WILL NOT STOP TALKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED, WHAT YOU SAID, AND HOW I WAS TREATED. I GAVE YOU EVERY POSSIBLE CHANCE TO CLARIFY, I GAVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT AGAIN AND AGAIN, I FOLLOWED YOUR RULES PLAYED YOUR CRYPTIC GAMES. I TRUSTED YOU. I TRIED TO GET THE HELP I NEEDED FROM THE MEDICAL PROVIDERS THAT WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONES TO SEE THAT I NEEDED HELP WITH BUT YOU HAD SLANDERED AND TWISTED ME INTO SOMETHING I WAS NOT AND THEN YOU WOULD NOT ALLOW ANYONE TO TALK WITH ME TO CLARIFY, TO HELP ME. YOU MANIPULATED THE ENTIRE INSTITUTION TO WHATEVER IT WAS YOU WANTED THEM TO BELIEVE ABOUT ME, WHILE I WAS BROKEN AND STUPIDLY STILL TRUSTING.

DEFAMATION IS UNTRUE, I HAVE NOT CLAIMED ANYTHING THAT HAS NOT HAPPENED OR THAT IS CONTRARY TO MY UNDERSTANDING, HOWEVER I HAVE SOUGHT CLARIFICATION, WHICH YOU AND YOUR INSTITUTION HAVE DENIED ME. I EVEN TRIED SO HARD NOT TO HURT YOU OR CAUSE UNDO HARM WHICH ULTIMATELY HURT ME IN GETTING THE HELP I NEEDED. I HAVE BEHAVED LIKE A PERSON WHO HAS BEEN GROOMED AND I KNOW BETTER THAN TO BELIEVE I AM THE ONLY ONE. I DID NOT WANT TO BELIEVE THAT. IT BROKE MY HEART TO THINK IT BECAUSE I LOVED YOU AND I CARED AND YOU SEEM SO KIND AND MODEST... BUT IT IS A GUISE. AND I HEARD THE THINGS YOU SAID, ALL. I SAW YOUR EYES CHANGE, AND I KNOW HOW YOU MANIPULATED THROUGH IMPLYING. YOU CLAIMED YOU WOULD ALWAYS WANT TO PROTECT ME WHEN YOU WERE NOT EVEN DOING THAT WHEN IT WAS YOUR JOB TO, YOU WERE INTENTIONALLY HARMING ME.
I HAVE BEHAVED LIKE A PERSON WHO HAS BEEN GROOMED AND I KNOW BETTER THAN TO BELIEVE I AM THE ONLY ONE.
I WILL NOT SIT BY AND SAY NOTHING KNOWING YOU ARE GETTING AWAY WITH THIS.
AND I WILL NOT DIE FOR YOU!!!!
thoughts processed and out.
the reason for this very unknown blog...
I will keep fighting to survive. I will keep fighting for my family. I will keep fighting for others like me who are being mistreated and abused by these very powerful and apparently very corrupt systems.  I will keep fighting to stay out of the darkness of the psychological mess this has caused. I will keep fighting.
I choose to live!!!!
I CHOOSE TO LIVE!!!!!!!!!
And I will not break again for you. I am stronger and I will keep getting help. I WILL NOT BREAK FOR YOU! I will not die for you.

the closer you get to the truth the harder people will fight you to keep their illusions up

One thing I have learned in life is the closer I get to the truth that someone is trying to hide the more vicious they become in their fight to hide it.
...This is very bad.
This is very very bad...

I have been absolutely gun shy about trying anything, about returning to previous projects and even occupations because of the hit this last year has taken to my confidence and because of the hit it has taken to my belief in other people...
I am scared for this world.
I am scared because of what is happening to me.
As a kid I never really felt bullied but as an adult... this is happening on terrifying levels...

this does not make sense to me.