The ringing in my ear is nagging. It is more noticeable now that my thoughts have slowed with the assistance of medication.
What it is nagging me to do I am not always sure of.
Currently I find it very difficult to do anything. It takes immense effort to trust people and I am not really sure of how to proceed with anything.
Dr. She assures me that my current circumstances are far from normal in regards to the way this is going to effect a person psychologically.
That is good to know, because I'm like, "is this what it is going to be like, is this what my body is going to do now every time something is hard and stressful?"
But really we don't know.
I do know that a person can only take so many hits before they really cannot get up again. And I do know the TBI mood instability issues I have, have altered the course of my life...
I have to accept a new me, a new norm and yet I have no idea what that really is and what that really looks like because I have one man who has been determined to make it a mess for me and now he is determined to have me exiled from anyone in the industry because he is claiming it to be his place where I am not welcome. The only thing that makes sense to me (as to why he has me so unwelcome in my place of existence) is that he is claiming this because he wants to hide what he really is and how he is using and abusing people with head injuries. It is very scary and he knows he can win, he knows I don't have a fighting chance, because he knows my disadvantages and he knows how to manipulate people and the system. He knows how to turn people into his puppets, marionettes on strings he is pulling with his sweet tones and dimples and his carefully and strategically chosen words. He is brilliant and he knows what he is doing.
The good little puppets he works with drink it up and play along, loathing me for trying to cut their puppet strings so that they can do their jobs and be real humans.
Friday, November 22, 2019
Thursday, November 21, 2019
Reality Hits Hard
They want me not to speak out. They want me not to stand up for myself. They literally want me to burn out and die.
They have literally been setting me up.
I have long felt and suspected this. My sister, the prison guard has repeatedly warned me of this, and my rational brain saw it. But since I am something like a foolish Pollyanna of the mentally ill and brain injured I could not believe it. ... and I kept walking right into their traps.
The reality of this, the gravity of what I have -now obviously intentionally- been put through hit me hard today.
And I once again found myself in tears in a public place.
Costco this time.
Streaming.
I couldn't keep them back at all.
Fortunately a friendly Costco employee was compassionate and buoyed me up enough to get out the door without completely flooding the store.
But a breakdown of yet another new kind. A real, normal, too much stress on a person break down. Not mania, not TBI, not mood instability, but reality sinking in and sinking in hard.
A complete and intentional set up...
How on earth was I stupid enough to keep walking back into it? They likely even want me to appear to be a conspiracy theorist.
The irony of that is so comical. The one person in my family who is not overly paranoid, the one who chooses to trust and believe in humanity, is the one who has actually been set up in the most diabolical and unimaginable way. The irony of how two days prior Dr. She told me I need to be more cynical of people. And the irony of how when the threat arrived from the mail lady, I had just sat down to write out the importance of what they missed and why it is important that they do not miss or dismiss, because I wanted do what I could to make sure it did not happen to other patients. The irony.
They want me scarred. and
I am scared now
but not just for me, for others.
They are or he is clearly very dangerous.
He even warned me of these things...
"You only know what I let you see" [of him]
"I told you not to try and solve this"
"So we agree to a clean break"
"What we have had is a beautiful thing, I would not want to fuck that up"
"I am okay with being wrong"
"I don't believe in forever anymore"
"why, are you a stalker" with a suggestive epiphany inflection
"I going to let it burn out and I [advice or suggest] you to do the same"
"I'm a snake?" the inflection and then the disappointment when he realized what I actually thought that meant. (It was a spirit animal thing that can be explained easily through the lens of mania.)
and even possibly his rubbing his right eye with his middle finger when I played a song for him to explain the transference I was feeling... although that one may have been a different kind of suggestion...
a snake in the grass...
most certainly not the healing snake of caduceus that I wanted to believe he was, that I needed him to be.
Naseau. I have been bitten by a snake in the grass and it has made me very ill.
They have literally been setting me up.
I have long felt and suspected this. My sister, the prison guard has repeatedly warned me of this, and my rational brain saw it. But since I am something like a foolish Pollyanna of the mentally ill and brain injured I could not believe it. ... and I kept walking right into their traps.
The reality of this, the gravity of what I have -now obviously intentionally- been put through hit me hard today.
And I once again found myself in tears in a public place.
Costco this time.
Streaming.
I couldn't keep them back at all.
Fortunately a friendly Costco employee was compassionate and buoyed me up enough to get out the door without completely flooding the store.
But a breakdown of yet another new kind. A real, normal, too much stress on a person break down. Not mania, not TBI, not mood instability, but reality sinking in and sinking in hard.
A complete and intentional set up...
How on earth was I stupid enough to keep walking back into it? They likely even want me to appear to be a conspiracy theorist.
The irony of that is so comical. The one person in my family who is not overly paranoid, the one who chooses to trust and believe in humanity, is the one who has actually been set up in the most diabolical and unimaginable way. The irony of how two days prior Dr. She told me I need to be more cynical of people. And the irony of how when the threat arrived from the mail lady, I had just sat down to write out the importance of what they missed and why it is important that they do not miss or dismiss, because I wanted do what I could to make sure it did not happen to other patients. The irony.
They want me scarred. and
I am scared now
but not just for me, for others.
They are or he is clearly very dangerous.
He even warned me of these things...
"You only know what I let you see" [of him]
"I told you not to try and solve this"
"So we agree to a clean break"
"What we have had is a beautiful thing, I would not want to fuck that up"
"I am okay with being wrong"
"I don't believe in forever anymore"
"why, are you a stalker" with a suggestive epiphany inflection
"I going to let it burn out and I [advice or suggest] you to do the same"
"I'm a snake?" the inflection and then the disappointment when he realized what I actually thought that meant. (It was a spirit animal thing that can be explained easily through the lens of mania.)
and even possibly his rubbing his right eye with his middle finger when I played a song for him to explain the transference I was feeling... although that one may have been a different kind of suggestion...
a snake in the grass...
most certainly not the healing snake of caduceus that I wanted to believe he was, that I needed him to be.
Naseau. I have been bitten by a snake in the grass and it has made me very ill.
Wednesday, November 20, 2019
Met with Dr. She today. She tells me I have very good coping skills even when I think I don’t. I say thank you.
Then I got to hang out with my beautiful friend.
And it was good.
But somehow I am stupidly still struggling.
My head is tired and it hurts so my eyes start to leak uncontrollably.
...and I find myself praying to God that he call me home soon...
So here I am... positively coping on my blog again... while praying I can be called home soon.
I won’t make the journey uninvited
But I’m so tired
And tired of the ringing in my ear.
... and I’m not really strong enough to keep fighting back...
So now I pray for the patients and others I really am not strong enough to get back up for...
Maybe tomorrow......
Then I got to hang out with my beautiful friend.
And it was good.
But somehow I am stupidly still struggling.
My head is tired and it hurts so my eyes start to leak uncontrollably.
...and I find myself praying to God that he call me home soon...
So here I am... positively coping on my blog again... while praying I can be called home soon.
I won’t make the journey uninvited
But I’m so tired
And tired of the ringing in my ear.
... and I’m not really strong enough to keep fighting back...
So now I pray for the patients and others I really am not strong enough to get back up for...
Maybe tomorrow......
Tuesday, November 19, 2019
Knocked down again. Getting back up. And I will not Give up my Constitutional Rights for Bullies.
Nov. 2018
"why, are you a stalker?" he says with a light up in his eyes and the inflection of an epiphany.
Or is it a suggestion?
I am not sure. Under the circumstances of what he has implied and based on my intense feelings it feels like a suggestion to me and yet it is clearly an epiphany and I already know logically that it is a set up and yet another confession of his intentions.
Another truth about his manipulations that I did not want to believe but the evidence was clear as evidenced in my medical records in January when I went to Concussion doctor to try and understand what was going on with my head and what to do about it. In my records she documents some of her conversation with him and he claims I have made repeated attempts to contact him. The only attempt to contact outside of getting medical care and trying to understand what was going on with my head and why (without getting him into trouble because he had told me he could loose his license because of me -which did not make sense to me so I figured the institution was the threat) was a thank you card that I had sent after my last manic crazy appointment with him. A thank you note I sent to him through his office when I still trusted him so completely and wanted to show my appreciation. It was a manic gesture sent because he had shared with me that once a client had sent him a thank you letter and he appreciated it. I know it was a manic gesture because it was too soon after, probably too intense, and (and this one is most important) I had completely forgotten I had sent it. I only remembered when I later saw my general family PA and she thanked me for the very kind thank you note I sent to her. I had sent them at the same time.
Aside from that he was a medical provider for me, there were reasons to contact him, especially under the circumstances, clarification was needed and my head was very broken and a mess and that happened on his watch. Now looking more and more likely that it might have been due to his watch.
But he had set a trap.
A Trap within a trap, within a trap, within a trap, within a trap... one of my neighbors pointed out not too long ago, but before this very solid evidence of the stalking trap he had set.
"cease and desist" they are threatening.
and "govern myself accordingly"
"According to what?" I wonder.
Their threats, misconduct and mistreatment?
His desire for me to burn out and sacrifice myself for him thus keeping me from getting appropriate care and medical attention? This expectation equates to an expectation of suicide when it is coming from a trusted therapist and medical providers that are claiming you are not what you are (manic and then fading from the very real and very extreme physiological effects).
Or shall I govern myself according to what is truly ethical, and right and just? then I most certainly have complaints to file, charges to make, and a battle to fight and the UCLA might be who I need Since they are demanding and commanding me to give up my constitutional right to freedom of speech, the only thing I have left in figuring this out and trying to get the help I need and seeking fair treatment and justice for other patients as well. I am not so stupid as to suppose I am the only one and I am blown away at the lengths they are, or he is, willing to go to cover his indiscretions that I repeatedly explained and showed I was able to forgive and over look, and that I really did not care about other than because it was keeping me from getting the help that I needed.
This morning I am beat down. I cannot get up. I did but then I am down again. Afraid to even leave my house. Unable to get out of bed again. I thought I was strong... Empowered by the injustice and obvious abuse of it initially... but then finding my body pushing back again against medication and fading again. Feeling every hit from every source, including my family and the lack of support I feel there, something he knew -documented in his reports of me...
and I am hearing them say, "just stay down, don't get back up, they will just keep knocking you down. Just stay down"
They don't understand that I am cornered in the madness, if I stay down I bleed out and die, not getting the help I need.
Or if I stay down other patients will be turned on and beat up next ...and they may not be as strong as I am. They may die more easily. They are victims too and I cannot stay down and let that happen.
I have to get up. I need to keep fighting.
So here I am.
Getting back up.
I see clearly that they will fight me to, and hope for, my death. And maybe that will be the end result, but I will keep fighting until the wrongs are righted and changes have been made that will help patients -not hurt and continue to harm them. They are proving what I feared in their investigation and the concern I expressed when I asked them to stop the investigation until I understood or at least until they had my side of the story. They would not and did not stop or pause the investigation at that request. They are proving that they are making and have made changes that further reinforce the bad policies that have and continue to harm me. That will harm others.
I will keep fighting until I have nothing left, they have already destroyed enough for me, if they really wish to destroy me entirely than I will keep putting up a fight and I will keep talking about it. Only now I no longer need to speak to solve, now I need to speak to educate and inform. ...and to stay up and alive.
I have tested my theories and my doubts, I have tried to work this out with them and I have repeatedly asked for clarification if I was misunderstanding -which has repeatedly been denied with a claim that I was threatening. The only reason I would be a threat is if they are trying to hide something or things that are wrong. The only "threat" they can claim I have made is reporting them to the appropriate legal and governing bodies, something that I did not want to do if I were misunderstanding and when my brain was such a mess, but clearly my misunderstanding was in trusting them and hoping/believing that what had happened to me was an honest mistake and not something diabolical...
Keep getting up. I need to keep getting out of bed, keep getting up, keep believing in humanity or at least fighting for it...
I'm up now and just like a fighter who has been knocked down so many time but just keeps getting up I am shaky and week. It is taking so much energy to get up and stay up. To keep going no matter what that looks like.
This is so bizarre and I hate what they have done to my body.
"why, are you a stalker?" he says with a light up in his eyes and the inflection of an epiphany.
Or is it a suggestion?
I am not sure. Under the circumstances of what he has implied and based on my intense feelings it feels like a suggestion to me and yet it is clearly an epiphany and I already know logically that it is a set up and yet another confession of his intentions.
Another truth about his manipulations that I did not want to believe but the evidence was clear as evidenced in my medical records in January when I went to Concussion doctor to try and understand what was going on with my head and what to do about it. In my records she documents some of her conversation with him and he claims I have made repeated attempts to contact him. The only attempt to contact outside of getting medical care and trying to understand what was going on with my head and why (without getting him into trouble because he had told me he could loose his license because of me -which did not make sense to me so I figured the institution was the threat) was a thank you card that I had sent after my last manic crazy appointment with him. A thank you note I sent to him through his office when I still trusted him so completely and wanted to show my appreciation. It was a manic gesture sent because he had shared with me that once a client had sent him a thank you letter and he appreciated it. I know it was a manic gesture because it was too soon after, probably too intense, and (and this one is most important) I had completely forgotten I had sent it. I only remembered when I later saw my general family PA and she thanked me for the very kind thank you note I sent to her. I had sent them at the same time.
Aside from that he was a medical provider for me, there were reasons to contact him, especially under the circumstances, clarification was needed and my head was very broken and a mess and that happened on his watch. Now looking more and more likely that it might have been due to his watch.
But he had set a trap.
A Trap within a trap, within a trap, within a trap, within a trap... one of my neighbors pointed out not too long ago, but before this very solid evidence of the stalking trap he had set.
"cease and desist" they are threatening.
and "govern myself accordingly"
"According to what?" I wonder.
Their threats, misconduct and mistreatment?
His desire for me to burn out and sacrifice myself for him thus keeping me from getting appropriate care and medical attention? This expectation equates to an expectation of suicide when it is coming from a trusted therapist and medical providers that are claiming you are not what you are (manic and then fading from the very real and very extreme physiological effects).
Or shall I govern myself according to what is truly ethical, and right and just? then I most certainly have complaints to file, charges to make, and a battle to fight and the UCLA might be who I need Since they are demanding and commanding me to give up my constitutional right to freedom of speech, the only thing I have left in figuring this out and trying to get the help I need and seeking fair treatment and justice for other patients as well. I am not so stupid as to suppose I am the only one and I am blown away at the lengths they are, or he is, willing to go to cover his indiscretions that I repeatedly explained and showed I was able to forgive and over look, and that I really did not care about other than because it was keeping me from getting the help that I needed.
This morning I am beat down. I cannot get up. I did but then I am down again. Afraid to even leave my house. Unable to get out of bed again. I thought I was strong... Empowered by the injustice and obvious abuse of it initially... but then finding my body pushing back again against medication and fading again. Feeling every hit from every source, including my family and the lack of support I feel there, something he knew -documented in his reports of me...
and I am hearing them say, "just stay down, don't get back up, they will just keep knocking you down. Just stay down"
They don't understand that I am cornered in the madness, if I stay down I bleed out and die, not getting the help I need.
Or if I stay down other patients will be turned on and beat up next ...and they may not be as strong as I am. They may die more easily. They are victims too and I cannot stay down and let that happen.
I have to get up. I need to keep fighting.
So here I am.
Getting back up.
I see clearly that they will fight me to, and hope for, my death. And maybe that will be the end result, but I will keep fighting until the wrongs are righted and changes have been made that will help patients -not hurt and continue to harm them. They are proving what I feared in their investigation and the concern I expressed when I asked them to stop the investigation until I understood or at least until they had my side of the story. They would not and did not stop or pause the investigation at that request. They are proving that they are making and have made changes that further reinforce the bad policies that have and continue to harm me. That will harm others.
I will keep fighting until I have nothing left, they have already destroyed enough for me, if they really wish to destroy me entirely than I will keep putting up a fight and I will keep talking about it. Only now I no longer need to speak to solve, now I need to speak to educate and inform. ...and to stay up and alive.
I have tested my theories and my doubts, I have tried to work this out with them and I have repeatedly asked for clarification if I was misunderstanding -which has repeatedly been denied with a claim that I was threatening. The only reason I would be a threat is if they are trying to hide something or things that are wrong. The only "threat" they can claim I have made is reporting them to the appropriate legal and governing bodies, something that I did not want to do if I were misunderstanding and when my brain was such a mess, but clearly my misunderstanding was in trusting them and hoping/believing that what had happened to me was an honest mistake and not something diabolical...
Keep getting up. I need to keep getting out of bed, keep getting up, keep believing in humanity or at least fighting for it...
I'm up now and just like a fighter who has been knocked down so many time but just keeps getting up I am shaky and week. It is taking so much energy to get up and stay up. To keep going no matter what that looks like.
Saturday, November 16, 2019
fighting to survive again. I will not die so easily
I WILL NOT DIE FOR YOU!!!
I SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE AND WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO REINFORCE BUT I WILL NOT DIE SO EASILY.
I WILL NOT GO DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT JUST SO YOU CAN COVER YOUR INDISCRETIONS!!!
I WILL NOT DIE FOR YOU!
I WILL NOT COMMIT SUICIDE BECAUSE YOU WANT ME TO. BECAUSE IT WILL BENEFIT YOU.
I WILL NOT DIE FOR YOU AND YOUR LIES!!!!
AND I WILL NOT STOP TALKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED, WHAT YOU SAID, AND HOW I WAS TREATED. I GAVE YOU EVERY POSSIBLE CHANCE TO CLARIFY, I GAVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT AGAIN AND AGAIN, I FOLLOWED YOUR RULES PLAYED YOUR CRYPTIC GAMES. I TRUSTED YOU. I TRIED TO GET THE HELP I NEEDED FROM THE MEDICAL PROVIDERS THAT WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONES TO SEE THAT I NEEDED HELP WITH BUT YOU HAD SLANDERED AND TWISTED ME INTO SOMETHING I WAS NOT AND THEN YOU WOULD NOT ALLOW ANYONE TO TALK WITH ME TO CLARIFY, TO HELP ME. YOU MANIPULATED THE ENTIRE INSTITUTION TO WHATEVER IT WAS YOU WANTED THEM TO BELIEVE ABOUT ME, WHILE I WAS BROKEN AND STUPIDLY STILL TRUSTING.
DEFAMATION IS UNTRUE, I HAVE NOT CLAIMED ANYTHING THAT HAS NOT HAPPENED OR THAT IS CONTRARY TO MY UNDERSTANDING, HOWEVER I HAVE SOUGHT CLARIFICATION, WHICH YOU AND YOUR INSTITUTION HAVE DENIED ME. I EVEN TRIED SO HARD NOT TO HURT YOU OR CAUSE UNDO HARM WHICH ULTIMATELY HURT ME IN GETTING THE HELP I NEEDED. I HAVE BEHAVED LIKE A PERSON WHO HAS BEEN GROOMED AND I KNOW BETTER THAN TO BELIEVE I AM THE ONLY ONE. I DID NOT WANT TO BELIEVE THAT. IT BROKE MY HEART TO THINK IT BECAUSE I LOVED YOU AND I CARED AND YOU SEEM SO KIND AND MODEST... BUT IT IS A GUISE. AND I HEARD THE THINGS YOU SAID, ALL. I SAW YOUR EYES CHANGE, AND I KNOW HOW YOU MANIPULATED THROUGH IMPLYING. YOU CLAIMED YOU WOULD ALWAYS WANT TO PROTECT ME WHEN YOU WERE NOT EVEN DOING THAT WHEN IT WAS YOUR JOB TO, YOU WERE INTENTIONALLY HARMING ME.
I HAVE BEHAVED LIKE A PERSON WHO HAS BEEN GROOMED AND I KNOW BETTER THAN TO BELIEVE I AM THE ONLY ONE.
I WILL NOT SIT BY AND SAY NOTHING KNOWING YOU ARE GETTING AWAY WITH THIS.
AND I WILL NOT DIE FOR YOU!!!!
thoughts processed and out.
the reason for this very unknown blog...
I will keep fighting to survive. I will keep fighting for my family. I will keep fighting for others like me who are being mistreated and abused by these very powerful and apparently very corrupt systems. I will keep fighting to stay out of the darkness of the psychological mess this has caused. I will keep fighting.
I choose to live!!!!
I CHOOSE TO LIVE!!!!!!!!!
And I will not break again for you. I am stronger and I will keep getting help. I WILL NOT BREAK FOR YOU! I will not die for you.
Friday, November 15, 2019
the closer you get to the truth the harder people will fight you to keep their illusions up
One thing I have learned in life is the closer I get to the truth that someone is trying to hide the more vicious they become in their fight to hide it.
...This is very bad.
This is very very bad...
I have been absolutely gun shy about trying anything, about returning to previous projects and even occupations because of the hit this last year has taken to my confidence and because of the hit it has taken to my belief in other people...
I am scared for this world.
I am scared because of what is happening to me.
As a kid I never really felt bullied but as an adult... this is happening on terrifying levels...
this does not make sense to me.
...This is very bad.
This is very very bad...
I have been absolutely gun shy about trying anything, about returning to previous projects and even occupations because of the hit this last year has taken to my confidence and because of the hit it has taken to my belief in other people...
I am scared for this world.
I am scared because of what is happening to me.
As a kid I never really felt bullied but as an adult... this is happening on terrifying levels...
this does not make sense to me.
Monday, November 11, 2019
Know the truth and the truth shall set you free.
I decided to stay off of here for a bit. An attempt to shift my thinking. I am so very lost in my life at this moment in time. It is hard to know how to accept what I am and what I have experienced. I have openly admitted to people that I am bipolar and/or that I have brain damage. It is funny- not funny- how people handle these things. I have found that some have surprised me in their apparent acceptance while others immediately distrust or act as though you are inferior. Which is really comical, if I think about it, because $100 says they would not have faired nearly so well through a manic episode AND they are often so drab and boring in their limited thinking and creativity. So at least that is funny.
But today I am coming on to document. I think the break is good and I will be taking more but I still am far from resolved on this issue of the Neuroscience Institute and *.
Dr. She (new neuropsychologist) is teaching me a lot. One thing she taught me is that a person can only have one manic episode in their entire lifetime to be diagnosed bipolar. I think that is kind of sad and maybe unfair since in this country the negative stigma is still very real and heavy for that bipolar diagnosis. But mostly it is sad and unfair because if you have to be bipolar you should at least get to enjoy more than one life altering euphoric high. I am not sure if I really mean that though, because the flip side really does suck... and I digress.
Dr. She also taught me about how ADHD and bipolar can look similar but are different. This especially matters to me because my dear husband is, seriously, the poster child for ADHD. It can be somewhat comical, ...and it can be challenging, as I am sure you can imagine, especially since I can slip into legit crazy.
But I am sure you, my most selective readers, are dying to know how they are different and why it matters.
Well according to what Dr. She tells me a person who has ADHD can become irrational in an intense moment of emotion and decision making and because they have that under-active prefrontal cortex they have a tendency to react before their brain has a chance to process and make a rational sound decision, but once that moment is over they are rational and they can think rationally, while the a person with bipolar becomes progressively less rational and progressively looses touch with reality. They can very literally fade... Fading. I have written about that. I have reached out when I was fading. I was punished for it with a call to the police and no follow up from the actual medical providers who can actually do something about it.
I ask Dr. She, "but how is it I was still able to hold on to rational? How is it I could still feel normal a lot of the time?" Yet even as I ask I know that is not entirely accurate and I already know the answer as she starts to explain, using hand motions to illustrate how I was likely cycling up and down while I was progressively loosing touch over all and fading. Like a graph that has ups and downs cycling regularly as the whole, over time, is steadily declining.
If Dr. He knows this and Dr. Concussion knows this then that is an especially terrible thing to do to a person or to allow to happen. And they absolutely should know this considering their training and their chosen clinical practice.
The more rational I am becoming the more disturbing the reality of what was being missed and or dismissed really is.
"I told you not to try and solve this" he said. But why? I hope you are also asking this.
I have been trying to make sense of this the entire time and it may be for good reason. I have felt a sense of responsibility to uncover the truth and fight whatever the demon was that was eating at my brain and my heart. I have known I had to stand up for myself and keep fighting even when I did not understand who or what the enemy was and I do wonder exactly how many demons I have been fighting, with only one being my broken brain. I have thought it simply the perfect storm of transference and countertransference and a tragic comedy of errors -hard evidence of why a therapist needs to be so aware of countertransference and keep it in check. I have wanted to write about this in a book that could be helpful to both therapists and patients/clients of therapists. I have wanted to write about it now and then go back to school to become an expert on it so I can help others and implement changes in the very bad policies and/or practices that caused me significant harm. And write a followed book after that.
I want to do these things but every step is still quite heavy for me because so much is still unresolved and I was too unstable for far too long (when I absolutely did not need to be) so sadly I am still triggered more than I care to admit, although significantly less and the intensity is significantly less. I am slowly working my way out of the brain traps and if they had not been fed for so long by the people who were supposed to be helping me out of them this would likely be much easier (but then this blog would be far less interesting too, so their is that).
I am having a hard time in this moment keeping my thoughts incessant. They are exploding out like a lichtenberg figure.
So I am going to go back and attempt to explain what I am finding so disturbing.
Because I have the desire to write, as I mentioned, about this insanity, this week I decided to go back to the beginning of my obsessive writings, writings that I have not published on this blog, to see if I can use any of it, and to see where I really was.
Going back to the beginning, when I was unexpectedly dropped just when I felt I was starting to make progress, I saw easily my brains slipping into mania. I also saw that then I understood quite logically, as I was researching, what very well could have been happening or had happened in that relationship that was supposed to be strictly therapeutic for me (and that "for me" part is important) with *Dr. He. I very easily could have and very well did understand it for what it was before and after his "so we can agree to a clean break" appointment which he planned on being his last appointment with me.
At that point in time, I still very much trusted him but I was also broken and, as Dr. She's teachings helped me realize, I was still breaking as I would continue to slip downward in my rational thinking maintaining and my touch with reality.
In the beginning, though I was quite high in mania, and it is obvious when I look back at my writing in those moments, I was utilizing my talents and skills that I had developed over so many years to observe myself and my insanity scientifically (in a sense) and in that way I was not entirely lost to psychosis.
However, I did in fact still need Dr. He and Dr. Concussion and I needed them to see what I was trying to show and tell them all along, that there was something more going on, and that I was reacting too big. I was, in fact, manic.
But for a time I did not believe that was it because Dr. He did not believe that was it, or least that was my impression since he had not addressed it and he took the angle of it being a transference and countertransference issue and he was supposed limit to 10 treatments and he had others that he believed needed him more. But I could not keep believing that it was not mania as I did not recover the way I would have if it weren't.
So then as I was fighting for my life to prevent further sliding into the irrational I was being told it was not mania and I was being gaslit and treated by the people at the Neuroscience Institute and the Patient Advocates in ways that fed the crazy and the fantasy. The crazy that at first I was actually more rationally able to see for what it likely was within the framework of transference, countertransference, the perfect storm and possibly a therapist that was a bit broken himself but that had definitely played with fire and crossed boundaries -but only in ways that I could easily forgive and initially thought were funny.
But then every time he would not talk with me, he avoided me, they played games, and treated me like a liability it fed this manic level intensity of connection that only true sole mates could possibly feel (and I am allowing the embarrassment of that statement because it is the solid truth of what they fed and of a damned f*@#d up manic mind ...or of therapist manipulated mind).
And even when I tried to tell them this they just kept feeding it.
No apology meant I was the forbidden temptress that he loved so much he simply would not be able to resist and would not give a false apology to because he would not deny those feeling. That, or I was worthless and unsalvageable, not worth their time. Which would you rather allow to be fed in your fading sanity? The latter may be true to them but that is not kind while the prior shit is straight up embarrassing and it IS NOT rational. and I know it. I knew it then.
BUT I was also fading with neither of those options being good for a brain that is progressively loosing its stability and sanity. SO for months that crazy was fed and that is incredibly disturbing as I am now learning what neuropsychologists know and how medical providers should have handled me in that condition.
And at first it seemed as though it would be so easy to pull out of this when the medication started working, because I had put in so much work. But, alas, that was a false start, jumping of the gun because that kind of intensity and rumination for so many months and that level of fraud or deceit is not going to end so easily.
I do feel as though I am making progress and glad that I trusted my gut to not file any further complaints or investigations when I knew I would make a mess of them in my confused mental state.
Now
The question begs to be answered: Were they keeping me in a compromised place intentionally, so that I would mess up any investigation and/or to out last the statutes of limitations? Obviously there has been a very crooked cover up here or there are some very unethical and/or very ignorant or unskilled people at the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute, in Murray UT.
But today I am coming on to document. I think the break is good and I will be taking more but I still am far from resolved on this issue of the Neuroscience Institute and *.
Dr. She (new neuropsychologist) is teaching me a lot. One thing she taught me is that a person can only have one manic episode in their entire lifetime to be diagnosed bipolar. I think that is kind of sad and maybe unfair since in this country the negative stigma is still very real and heavy for that bipolar diagnosis. But mostly it is sad and unfair because if you have to be bipolar you should at least get to enjoy more than one life altering euphoric high. I am not sure if I really mean that though, because the flip side really does suck... and I digress.
Dr. She also taught me about how ADHD and bipolar can look similar but are different. This especially matters to me because my dear husband is, seriously, the poster child for ADHD. It can be somewhat comical, ...and it can be challenging, as I am sure you can imagine, especially since I can slip into legit crazy.
But I am sure you, my most selective readers, are dying to know how they are different and why it matters.
Well according to what Dr. She tells me a person who has ADHD can become irrational in an intense moment of emotion and decision making and because they have that under-active prefrontal cortex they have a tendency to react before their brain has a chance to process and make a rational sound decision, but once that moment is over they are rational and they can think rationally, while the a person with bipolar becomes progressively less rational and progressively looses touch with reality. They can very literally fade... Fading. I have written about that. I have reached out when I was fading. I was punished for it with a call to the police and no follow up from the actual medical providers who can actually do something about it.
I ask Dr. She, "but how is it I was still able to hold on to rational? How is it I could still feel normal a lot of the time?" Yet even as I ask I know that is not entirely accurate and I already know the answer as she starts to explain, using hand motions to illustrate how I was likely cycling up and down while I was progressively loosing touch over all and fading. Like a graph that has ups and downs cycling regularly as the whole, over time, is steadily declining.
If Dr. He knows this and Dr. Concussion knows this then that is an especially terrible thing to do to a person or to allow to happen. And they absolutely should know this considering their training and their chosen clinical practice.
The more rational I am becoming the more disturbing the reality of what was being missed and or dismissed really is.
"I told you not to try and solve this" he said. But why? I hope you are also asking this.
I have been trying to make sense of this the entire time and it may be for good reason. I have felt a sense of responsibility to uncover the truth and fight whatever the demon was that was eating at my brain and my heart. I have known I had to stand up for myself and keep fighting even when I did not understand who or what the enemy was and I do wonder exactly how many demons I have been fighting, with only one being my broken brain. I have thought it simply the perfect storm of transference and countertransference and a tragic comedy of errors -hard evidence of why a therapist needs to be so aware of countertransference and keep it in check. I have wanted to write about this in a book that could be helpful to both therapists and patients/clients of therapists. I have wanted to write about it now and then go back to school to become an expert on it so I can help others and implement changes in the very bad policies and/or practices that caused me significant harm. And write a followed book after that.
I want to do these things but every step is still quite heavy for me because so much is still unresolved and I was too unstable for far too long (when I absolutely did not need to be) so sadly I am still triggered more than I care to admit, although significantly less and the intensity is significantly less. I am slowly working my way out of the brain traps and if they had not been fed for so long by the people who were supposed to be helping me out of them this would likely be much easier (but then this blog would be far less interesting too, so their is that).
I am having a hard time in this moment keeping my thoughts incessant. They are exploding out like a lichtenberg figure.
So I am going to go back and attempt to explain what I am finding so disturbing.
Because I have the desire to write, as I mentioned, about this insanity, this week I decided to go back to the beginning of my obsessive writings, writings that I have not published on this blog, to see if I can use any of it, and to see where I really was.
Going back to the beginning, when I was unexpectedly dropped just when I felt I was starting to make progress, I saw easily my brains slipping into mania. I also saw that then I understood quite logically, as I was researching, what very well could have been happening or had happened in that relationship that was supposed to be strictly therapeutic for me (and that "for me" part is important) with *Dr. He. I very easily could have and very well did understand it for what it was before and after his "so we can agree to a clean break" appointment which he planned on being his last appointment with me.
At that point in time, I still very much trusted him but I was also broken and, as Dr. She's teachings helped me realize, I was still breaking as I would continue to slip downward in my rational thinking maintaining and my touch with reality.
In the beginning, though I was quite high in mania, and it is obvious when I look back at my writing in those moments, I was utilizing my talents and skills that I had developed over so many years to observe myself and my insanity scientifically (in a sense) and in that way I was not entirely lost to psychosis.
However, I did in fact still need Dr. He and Dr. Concussion and I needed them to see what I was trying to show and tell them all along, that there was something more going on, and that I was reacting too big. I was, in fact, manic.
But for a time I did not believe that was it because Dr. He did not believe that was it, or least that was my impression since he had not addressed it and he took the angle of it being a transference and countertransference issue and he was supposed limit to 10 treatments and he had others that he believed needed him more. But I could not keep believing that it was not mania as I did not recover the way I would have if it weren't.
So then as I was fighting for my life to prevent further sliding into the irrational I was being told it was not mania and I was being gaslit and treated by the people at the Neuroscience Institute and the Patient Advocates in ways that fed the crazy and the fantasy. The crazy that at first I was actually more rationally able to see for what it likely was within the framework of transference, countertransference, the perfect storm and possibly a therapist that was a bit broken himself but that had definitely played with fire and crossed boundaries -but only in ways that I could easily forgive and initially thought were funny.
But then every time he would not talk with me, he avoided me, they played games, and treated me like a liability it fed this manic level intensity of connection that only true sole mates could possibly feel (and I am allowing the embarrassment of that statement because it is the solid truth of what they fed and of a damned f*@#d up manic mind ...or of therapist manipulated mind).
And even when I tried to tell them this they just kept feeding it.
No apology meant I was the forbidden temptress that he loved so much he simply would not be able to resist and would not give a false apology to because he would not deny those feeling. That, or I was worthless and unsalvageable, not worth their time. Which would you rather allow to be fed in your fading sanity? The latter may be true to them but that is not kind while the prior shit is straight up embarrassing and it IS NOT rational. and I know it. I knew it then.
BUT I was also fading with neither of those options being good for a brain that is progressively loosing its stability and sanity. SO for months that crazy was fed and that is incredibly disturbing as I am now learning what neuropsychologists know and how medical providers should have handled me in that condition.
And at first it seemed as though it would be so easy to pull out of this when the medication started working, because I had put in so much work. But, alas, that was a false start, jumping of the gun because that kind of intensity and rumination for so many months and that level of fraud or deceit is not going to end so easily.
I do feel as though I am making progress and glad that I trusted my gut to not file any further complaints or investigations when I knew I would make a mess of them in my confused mental state.
Now
The question begs to be answered: Were they keeping me in a compromised place intentionally, so that I would mess up any investigation and/or to out last the statutes of limitations? Obviously there has been a very crooked cover up here or there are some very unethical and/or very ignorant or unskilled people at the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute, in Murray UT.
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