Write a book

Write a book.
Write a book
It is a request I have heard a lot lately
Requests for a book about TBI- concussion
Requests for a book about transference and countertransference
Requests for a book about my therapist either grooming or falling for me and me exploding into a million amazingly managed manic pieces
Requests for a book on mental health
I want to.
But I also kind of already have
at least twice
one here on this blog
and one in my own report of myself, the flooding of memories and other processing that mostly was written in that first two weeks of my breaking.
So I am going back and reading some of what I have written trying to figure how I can meet those requests with a product that is quality enough to be published.
... I have books but they are not typical, in a typical pattern. That maybe could make it interesting but I also see, as I read about me, that I have been repeating a lot of the same stuff while stuck in my loop of insanity and working so hard not to be.
Looking back and reading is funny, interesting, embarrassing, annoying in my ruminating, infuriating, and probably a whole lot of other ings.
One thing I surely am is terrifying.
So intense. So deep. I'd be scared of me too. Wait, sometimes I am.
But it is also incredibly comical and some of the poetic intensities that have come out of me are so very amusing because I kind of don't think I am really like that and yet I am. Some make me really laugh because I can't believe that it came out of me at all; so angry and scary, or deep and disturbing. To me it is funny it is me because it's really not me and I'd rather be funny anyway. Not angry, scary, deep or disturbing.
Laugh and the world laughs with you.... unless you are bipolarish and have had a TBI then, unfortunately my friend, you will often laugh alone in your broken, deep, and fallible ways.
But at least someone is laughing.

Realities, and Writing out a Headache

Every trial, trauma and/or experience in life seems to have little -and big- side effects that those who have not been through it or similar have no idea of or would not expect.
While headache is probably not a surprising effect of TBI, headaches like todays are especially annoying to me and because of my TBI experiences I find myself maybe more concerned and annoyed than I may need to be.
So I thought I'd try and write out my headache or at least the annoyance with it.
It is pushing on my eyes and making me tired and irritable.
I want to sleep but I cannot because my head also wants to solve and understand why and what is really best to do about this particular kind of headache - a new kind of headache. I feel only slight pain and pressure but I feel a bit funny and slightly disoriented. My vision is slightly strange but not blurry or spinning just slightly weird in a way I don't know how to explain. One deep breath seems to help but as I finish releasing the breath the headache feels more intense and more deep breaths seem to deepen the pain. ...
I think todays may be linked to too many nights of taking my medicine and going to bed later than I should. The medication was doing a pretty good job of knocking me out within about 30 minutes of taking it. This has made me not want to take it until my kids had gotten home and were at least close to getting to bed. My kids are teens and my daughter is dancing until 10 pm some nights. Then she comes home and wants to do homework or is taking too much time winding down when she needs to be up at 5 am for her extracurriculars she is determined to do. My son just won't follow through and takes about two hours to get ready for bed. My husband is a night owl and the irresponsibility my children have developed with getting to bed and getting enough sleep I can definitely pin on him (I say this not angry but rather humorously annoyed)... though I'll admit I have gotten more lax. So I am struggling with the balance here since if I take the medication too late it is extremely hard to get up in the morning and the medication is not knocking me out as quickly anymore. My mind is up wandering later than it should be. I do believe this nightly mind wandering could now be a habit formed from the racing thoughts I had to endure for too long.
I think this,
and I want answers. I want to be able to ask the professionals.
But those who I started this TBI journey with me have abandoned me with the blame for my ex-neuropsychologists indiscretions. The experts I have now do not have the equivalent training or expertise in TBI. My new neuropsychologist might comes close and in some ways I am certain she is much better, but the psychiatric PA is just that and though she wanted me to have a neurologist or physiatrist to over see the TBI stuff she cannot get me into any her company is affiliated with, which may be due to insurance, and the other suggestion her companies schedulers made is...dah, dah, dah... the damned Neuroscience Institute -who refuses to treat me because I have been defamed and labeled unjustifiably. And all for what?
So my tired headache is exacerbated by my inability to get any answers and I guess for most people their ailments are this way. I believe more and more and especially after so many conversations with so many people that our medical industry is full of egotistical fraudulent money grubbers...
So in reality I maybe should  credit myself with being a true expert in the industry because I seem to know better than they do.
If the definition of mania is what it is, it does not matter their opinion or why they missed or dismissed diagnosing, that is what I was and the chemistry and shit I have endured ever since has been absolutely exacerbated by the way they did and did not treat me.
I struggle to let go because, since I was a child, I been an advocate for justice and others and I know in this they need to be held accountable or they at least need to learn and improve because they are being ignorant and unintelligent, bias, discriminatory and deliberately harmful in a field where those traits and actions are not at all okay.
Am I judging? Yes, I am, because I know what happened to me and how easily it could have been avoided if they had not so quickly and arrogantly or ignorantly misjudged me and then continually tried to dismiss me because they felt I was a liability or not worth their time and effort.
I am labeling too. I see that also, but bad milk by any other name would smell just as sour, so I am calling it what it is after being too kind and forgiving, and putting so much faith in them....
...I am afraid I might be getting sucked into the rabbit hole again.
so time to get out... via a flashback memory?
"because I will just keep coming back, trying to kick the door down" one of the last things I said to him, begging him not to shut the door completely on me. It was an instinctive response that came out of my mouth not knowing what I was saying or why. But I did know, without any doubt, that I still needed him and his expertise. I was heading to Italy in exactly 7 days, just me and my kids for the first week and a half, and the discussion I asked him for I could not actually allow or even comprehend because of the condition I was in.  It hurt too bad and I needed to keep some strength just then.
What I needed Dr. He to see and understand was not that I loved him or that he could possibly get into trouble for loving or grooming me, I needed him to see that I was high and unstable, with flooding and racing thoughts. I needed him to see the intensity and I needed to know what it was from and what to do about it. He made it about him and I trusted him professionally and personally so then, deep in me, it also became about him. Manic was compounded and became much more complex because now it was all about him when initially it was about me and it was supposed to be. I also initially thought it had more to do with head injury, but he would not see or agree, personally or professionally. Can you see how this would mess with me? Mistakes I was fine to forgive, but he was not fine to admit.
Embarrassed, no doubt,
but is that fair to, on me, take it out?
Don't take out your embarrassment on the embarrassment. It's like craping on crapped in pants. Or was he simply wiping his ass and throwing away the pants that he accidentally shat in? Oh my, I have gotten of track with junior high or lower level potty humor... This it the kind of stuff I probably should take out but I'm going to leave because it is so stupid it becomes funny to me.

... and so as I am writing
my headache is subsiding
remembering how much I really do understand
breathing is settling
my thoughts are finding
the simple solutions at hand.
And I will be okay
alive another day
and living a life that's quite grand
I am glad for my struggles
over those of others
and I am happy with the progress I have made.
(even if I am shat in pants)
A headache will go away
or come back to destroy my days
but either way
life is a grand adventure and I love that I get to live it!
(because pants can be washed, you know)

High as a Kite

"She's sooo highhh, high above me she's so lovely."
Sometimes I feel as high as a kite
it just isn't right
but what do I do?
shaky and high
Probably why I was such a good runner in high school. I held school records.
I want to run now
but it is much harder these days
because age and my regular lazy phase
make injuries happen easily
plus I am still healing
it is pretty ridiculous how prolonged the healing of the ankle and back and hip are
but it is likely because I pushed it too hard too many times in the initial healing stages
push crash
push crash
head injury is so lovely
or is it just me
just how I am?
I don't know
I just know that right now I feel high again
similar to normal me high that is not manic and stuff
but different because I am shaky and sometimes a bit scared that I am flying too high yet again.

In my younger years this problem was also a blessing because it kept me form drugs, drinking and other bad stuff, because I sure didn't need any help getting high and screwing myself up. It happens so naturally with brain injury. Is that an advantage or dis?
I don't know again but it is kind of funny on one hand or two.
So high I fly and I don't know why
but fun for the faint of heart
to Work I must go and keep it contained -sometimes so much easier said then done
but hi ho hi ho it's off to work I go and
people will think more things of me that just aren't true
because I can't quite explain
though I manifest far different then the plain
that I am

Actions speak loudly. So does neglect and stonewalling

I'm still dragging my feet...
and I am sad and scared
I am sad because of all of it
I am scared because I don't know what to expect from myself and what is realistic for me. I am scared because my brain and chemistry got so very messed up and I felt it so very intense for so long but I was ignored and disregarded and punished, branded and vilified for being honest and managing or presenting well when I was quite broken. For doing exactly what the therapist are hoping to help people accomplish.
I am scared because I know mental illness does not get better with age. I am scared because I have been so discarded and disregarded by the professional that should know how to handle me.
I am scared because my brain still malfunctions.
I know I am not alone and I am likely better off then even the completely stable because I am so aware of my holes and my flaws. I will be able to see the breaks and crises's coming as I age, when for them it will come as a surprise with little experience to know how to manage.
So that is a good thing for me.
But what do I do about the professionals that abused? I think I can't just let this slide, because new dear friends of mine almost died... from similar neglect, stigmatizing and misdiagnosis.
But tired this battle makes my head.
and tired so many other things also
so slow I will continue to go
not knowing what and why
but proceeding with what was laid out
I am sad to say that they treated me that way because it really makes it appear that dear Perri was grooming.
I can tell you just how a psychologist might get his patient to take off their clothes without it seeming it was ever their suggestion. I can tell you this because I did not but from what I have read and what I have experienced and then the way that he hid and manipulated to make it look as though I was pursuing. The patient advocate, **, (I will refrain from adding the not so nice adjectives that I feel right now) said that I am "quite creative" but the thing is (and if you have seen my art then you know) that I really am not, I was simply relaying what happened. I can tell you how now because I see, with the exception of me, how his words and his actions would work very easily on other women who had head injury and presented the way that I had.
Why am I the exception? For many reasons, but ironically, number one is the very thing he could have banked on to make easy progress; TBI. He forgot or did not realize that mine I have been handling since I was 12 years old. I had worked very hard with, high moral standards, to gain and stay in control of my emotions and inhibitions and part of how I do that is by talking and being far too open and honest in the places I know it won't be missed (email, in this case). I have also always been easily comfortable with men and, broken the way I was from relationships and neglect, I did not perceive myself as a women that men would find attractive enough to act on. Which could have made me a more prime target yet also could be why his plans backfired, I internalize and accept responsibility blaming myself for far too much far too often, so by bringing to light just how I had broken I brought to light his transgressions without even knowing I was...
Sadly it is a possibility that at this point should not be disregarded.... I know because no one who loves you and is supposed to be your protector, not because of personal but professional obligations, would ever treat a person or allow a person to be treated the way that I have been treated.... I also know because how I was effected. Some stuff I have not shared here and maybe with nobody, because it is to profound, wrong, and confusing.
And I hate that I am going to have to keep remembering and telling myself these things to make it through this final stretch and make sure they are somehow help accountable.
No one should ever have to endure the months of crazy, abuse, neglect, hurt, and unstable when the problem and solution could have been addressed so simply and easily at the beginning but was not simply because they did not want to admit or be held accountable for their mistakes.

A thing or two about yesterday

Yesterday I wrote three entries and this is interesting because my intensity/chemistry has settled significantly, which historically (in the last 11 months of this blog) only has happened on days that I have felt too intense and the processing was a very needed relief.
I am not sure if yesterday was just more needed then I realized or if the scenarios I was processing seemed significant and important to my rational brain.
I really don't want to analyze it too deeply, all three entries helped me process very quickly things that I am trying to deal with and handle.
But a bit of fill-in might be helpful to followers and the industry of blasphemy itself (or at least those in it that are not actually blasphemous).
Off-putting, I already explained, came form a conversation with a friend but I want it to be very clear that it was simply a term that I grabbed hold of and my brain took artistic liberties with because it seemed to fit in with my processing and something I have long been unable to pinpoint, so the exploration of that word and how it ties to me had little (to nothing) to do with my friend and our conversation.
*side note: today Dr. She and I talked about off-putting and she wanted me to think of the opposite. It'd be something like appeasing and (she suggested) it can even at times be deceiving; so off-putting is often necessary honesty.
I also reached out to one of the people who has much more voice and influence than I and said he disagreed with, "IHC can do what they want." He felt he might be able to help find someone who will hold them accountable. He gave me a number and some hope... but that hope led to the second entry about how difficult it is to proceed.
But then, going onto my email to get that number, I saw that a different lawyer I had reached out to had responded and as I read about how "Unfortunately, as a result of these "tort reform efforts" fewer and fewer people are able to recover for their injuries, and negligent healthcare providers escape responsibility-even in serious cases such as yours."
I am sure the paragraph this is pulled from is a stock answer and who knows if they think anything serious, however I know what I have been through and how I was treated and I know that the patient advocate and the team that had branded me must also have known how easily they would be off the hook, so that really hit hard and I was feeling quite low, again with the feelings of "lets really drive her worthlessness home."
But fortunately their is a God in heaven and at some point yesterday I noticed my Instagram request to the lady I was afraid had lost her battle was answered and my following accepted. So somehow in that hit down I also found a message directly from her and I know that she is still alive, not doing so well, but alive and trying again to heal once again.
The hit was still hard -but good news to ease some - I took once again to blogging and in "Solved" I did just that, lots of solving. I apologize for my language though I am leaving it their because the authenticity of that moment of rapid processing and healing has its place and anger is what pulled me through quickly this time. Okay, that coupled with the miracles of modern medicine.
So there you are, even anger has it's place, just ask the merchants who got thrown out of the temple by the only perfect being who has walked this earth.
And I am glad I do have a team that, though new and a bit confused by the trouble the old stupid teams has caused me, are helping me to keep getting back up.
Knocked down 100 times get up 101!
Oh thank you Chumbawamba
and I think I have to add this song that followed
...because for a moment in time, I am fairly certain this was me and it makes me smile. (but not high)
She's so high

Solved

I heard back from a lawyer. They can't help me, because it is too costly and basically everything everyone has said is true; they are IHC and they will do what they want. So it is especially stupid that he would not and will not even apologize and they were such jerks in how they treated me. They did because they could be and they knew they could get away with it.
hmmm, that makes me feel even better about myself!
No, no it does not.
Now is when I will be real put-offish (and I know I am overusing that term today)
but doesn't really matter what I say, how nice I try to be, I'm not worth shit and they wanted to be sure that I knew it
WELL FUCK YOU Neuroscience Institute in Murray Utah!!!
AND SORRY DR. HE IT WON'T BE IN THAT WAY
what an unbelievable ass and coward, what a shit and what a fucked up manipulative man.
And you women of the Neuroscience Institute in Murray Utah
aughh... I can't even waste my breath on how pathetic you are, the harem of precious sweet Dr. He.
He has played you, you fools and what ever ass of a "director" who won't even be named, what a coward.
And yet, that said, a bit empowered I am feeling that they were so damned scared of little old me, knowing what they know about head injury and the laws that are stacked in their favor!
HAH
you stupid dumb jackasses!
and maybe I should not publish because certainly I will offend but in this moment I just don't give a shit.
 Not that I wanted to sue but the fact that they really can just get away with this shit and treat me like trash when I wasn't, but was very broken and needed their paid for expertise is... disgusting. and their stupid paranoia liability labeling is immature, unprofessional and straight up wrong.
I WAS NOT A LIABILITY I WAS MANIC YOU IDIOTS, the liability should have been in not treating. Your games I do not understand but I think maybe you really are just plain stupid and no degree or PHD will ever cover or disprove that.
...settling now.
poor sad PHD and MD and Directors, you have worked so hard to prove yourselves just to be tripped up by a sad little screwed up brain damaged nobody like me.
HAHA HAHA HA
Sorry friends about my offensive language and rant here but tonight I will let it be, because in it I processed and I feel happy as I am further pushing away from the insanity of the fake institution that simply capitalizes on others' tragedies.
Solved.
Now why was I dragging my feet for so long to contact the lawyers they way they kept pushing me to?
Because I am a fool and I again trusted them and cared and I believed them yet again in their lies that I was truly a liability and someone that they should fear because of the mistakes they knew they had made.
No more believing in them, they are cowards that played games to prove their self appointed god status that they think should never be questioned. They had to make sure I knew that the imbalance of power would remain in their favor no matter the cost to me.
Oooh so sweet and caring the medical and IHC industry.
Solved again.
No more care for you.
Now on to my next big adventure
BRING DOWN THE WHOLE DAMN INDUSTRY!!!!
And I say that with a laugh and a smile
because that is what I do- and now I know that I know better then those schmucks or they really are quite the frauds.
I know TBI and I know manic and I know when help is needed and I know how they can mess with and mess up your head. and sadly I know that they will just to cover their paranoid-arrogant asses.
To anyone reading, don't trust them. They are not there to help you, they are simply there to collect a fat pay check.
now to publish or not?
sever
the ties
completely
...but that is what they want...
hmmm
now don't head down that rabbit whole
sever
without it being my head.
I will not die for you today or ever because you are not the gods you that think you are

The Hold Up

Every step is wrought with a pain I can't explain in my effort to erase the source of the pain.
Anger, I am sorry to say, is likely the strength I need to tap into as part of my grieving process.
Otherwise I am just hurting and slowly dying while I burn out to the professionals that I so desperately needed.
And I say that not because of romantic transference but because they really were the right place and the right professionals
but they could not handle me simply because dear Dr. He (though he's already denied it) in his own brokenness, developed feelings and lost objectivity.
...and because he is so sweet and charming and perfect, (I know, I have seen how this man works)I will be disregarded and painted quite ill because
 we all wanted to protect him.
I am the fool
but I was also quite broken, not there to simply play games.
I have a phone number or two
and I am supposed to call and set up
I have given chance after chance for clarification
I don't know how or who to see or even where to start in knowing what the prognosis for my head will be...
But I know I have crazy chemistry
and I don't know what to make of my life anymore.
Keep fighting they say
but I don't want to fight
I just want to be a lover
not a fighter
and I am so sorry if that is off-putting
but my eyes keep on telling me so
even when I think I can move forward with the fight
that I have little choice but to fight
because the alternative is
utter failure
...
processing
trying to tap in
to the inner strength
that is fighting for me
trying to keep moving in the forward direction
ever severing
with a surety
that tie
that I wish did not need to die....
today I cry
while tomorrow
I'll try
once again for the tiny victory
of standing up for me.
I am not what they made me out to be
And I am not really angry
just hurt and confused
and intelligent enough to know
that anger holds power
even has it's place
when hard things have to be done...