A thing or two about yesterday

Yesterday I wrote three entries and this is interesting because my intensity/chemistry has settled significantly, which historically (in the last 11 months of this blog) only has happened on days that I have felt too intense and the processing was a very needed relief.
I am not sure if yesterday was just more needed then I realized or if the scenarios I was processing seemed significant and important to my rational brain.
I really don't want to analyze it too deeply, all three entries helped me process very quickly things that I am trying to deal with and handle.
But a bit of fill-in might be helpful to followers and the industry of blasphemy itself (or at least those in it that are not actually blasphemous).
Off-putting, I already explained, came form a conversation with a friend but I want it to be very clear that it was simply a term that I grabbed hold of and my brain took artistic liberties with because it seemed to fit in with my processing and something I have long been unable to pinpoint, so the exploration of that word and how it ties to me had little (to nothing) to do with my friend and our conversation.
*side note: today Dr. She and I talked about off-putting and she wanted me to think of the opposite. It'd be something like appeasing and (she suggested) it can even at times be deceiving; so off-putting is often necessary honesty.
I also reached out to one of the people who has much more voice and influence than I and said he disagreed with, "IHC can do what they want." He felt he might be able to help find someone who will hold them accountable. He gave me a number and some hope... but that hope led to the second entry about how difficult it is to proceed.
But then, going onto my email to get that number, I saw that a different lawyer I had reached out to had responded and as I read about how "Unfortunately, as a result of these "tort reform efforts" fewer and fewer people are able to recover for their injuries, and negligent healthcare providers escape responsibility-even in serious cases such as yours."
I am sure the paragraph this is pulled from is a stock answer and who knows if they think anything serious, however I know what I have been through and how I was treated and I know that the patient advocate and the team that had branded me must also have known how easily they would be off the hook, so that really hit hard and I was feeling quite low, again with the feelings of "lets really drive her worthlessness home."
But fortunately their is a God in heaven and at some point yesterday I noticed my Instagram request to the lady I was afraid had lost her battle was answered and my following accepted. So somehow in that hit down I also found a message directly from her and I know that she is still alive, not doing so well, but alive and trying again to heal once again.
The hit was still hard -but good news to ease some - I took once again to blogging and in "Solved" I did just that, lots of solving. I apologize for my language though I am leaving it their because the authenticity of that moment of rapid processing and healing has its place and anger is what pulled me through quickly this time. Okay, that coupled with the miracles of modern medicine.
So there you are, even anger has it's place, just ask the merchants who got thrown out of the temple by the only perfect being who has walked this earth.
And I am glad I do have a team that, though new and a bit confused by the trouble the old stupid teams has caused me, are helping me to keep getting back up.
Knocked down 100 times get up 101!
Oh thank you Chumbawamba
and I think I have to add this song that followed
...because for a moment in time, I am fairly certain this was me and it makes me smile. (but not high)
She's so high

Solved

I heard back from a lawyer. They can't help me, because it is too costly and basically everything everyone has said is true; they are IHC and they will do what they want. So it is especially stupid that he would not and will not even apologize and they were such jerks in how they treated me. They did because they could be and they knew they could get away with it.
hmmm, that makes me feel even better about myself!
No, no it does not.
Now is when I will be real put-offish (and I know I am overusing that term today)
but doesn't really matter what I say, how nice I try to be, I'm not worth shit and they wanted to be sure that I knew it
WELL FUCK YOU Neuroscience Institute in Murray Utah!!!
AND SORRY DR. HE IT WON'T BE IN THAT WAY
what an unbelievable ass and coward, what a shit and what a fucked up manipulative man.
And you women of the Neuroscience Institute in Murray Utah
aughh... I can't even waste my breath on how pathetic you are, the harem of precious sweet Dr. He.
He has played you, you fools and what ever ass of a "director" who won't even be named, what a coward.
And yet, that said, a bit empowered I am feeling that they were so damned scared of little old me, knowing what they know about head injury and the laws that are stacked in their favor!
HAH
you stupid dumb jackasses!
and maybe I should not publish because certainly I will offend but in this moment I just don't give a shit.
 Not that I wanted to sue but the fact that they really can just get away with this shit and treat me like trash when I wasn't, but was very broken and needed their paid for expertise is... disgusting. and their stupid paranoia liability labeling is immature, unprofessional and straight up wrong.
I WAS NOT A LIABILITY I WAS MANIC YOU IDIOTS, the liability should have been in not treating. Your games I do not understand but I think maybe you really are just plain stupid and no degree or PHD will ever cover or disprove that.
...settling now.
poor sad PHD and MD and Directors, you have worked so hard to prove yourselves just to be tripped up by a sad little screwed up brain damaged nobody like me.
HAHA HAHA HA
Sorry friends about my offensive language and rant here but tonight I will let it be, because in it I processed and I feel happy as I am further pushing away from the insanity of the fake institution that simply capitalizes on others' tragedies.
Solved.
Now why was I dragging my feet for so long to contact the lawyers they way they kept pushing me to?
Because I am a fool and I again trusted them and cared and I believed them yet again in their lies that I was truly a liability and someone that they should fear because of the mistakes they knew they had made.
No more believing in them, they are cowards that played games to prove their self appointed god status that they think should never be questioned. They had to make sure I knew that the imbalance of power would remain in their favor no matter the cost to me.
Oooh so sweet and caring the medical and IHC industry.
Solved again.
No more care for you.
Now on to my next big adventure
BRING DOWN THE WHOLE DAMN INDUSTRY!!!!
And I say that with a laugh and a smile
because that is what I do- and now I know that I know better then those schmucks or they really are quite the frauds.
I know TBI and I know manic and I know when help is needed and I know how they can mess with and mess up your head. and sadly I know that they will just to cover their paranoid-arrogant asses.
To anyone reading, don't trust them. They are not there to help you, they are simply there to collect a fat pay check.
now to publish or not?
sever
the ties
completely
...but that is what they want...
hmmm
now don't head down that rabbit whole
sever
without it being my head.
I will not die for you today or ever because you are not the gods you that think you are

The Hold Up

Every step is wrought with a pain I can't explain in my effort to erase the source of the pain.
Anger, I am sorry to say, is likely the strength I need to tap into as part of my grieving process.
Otherwise I am just hurting and slowly dying while I burn out to the professionals that I so desperately needed.
And I say that not because of romantic transference but because they really were the right place and the right professionals
but they could not handle me simply because dear Dr. He (though he's already denied it) in his own brokenness, developed feelings and lost objectivity.
...and because he is so sweet and charming and perfect, (I know, I have seen how this man works)I will be disregarded and painted quite ill because
 we all wanted to protect him.
I am the fool
but I was also quite broken, not there to simply play games.
I have a phone number or two
and I am supposed to call and set up
I have given chance after chance for clarification
I don't know how or who to see or even where to start in knowing what the prognosis for my head will be...
But I know I have crazy chemistry
and I don't know what to make of my life anymore.
Keep fighting they say
but I don't want to fight
I just want to be a lover
not a fighter
and I am so sorry if that is off-putting
but my eyes keep on telling me so
even when I think I can move forward with the fight
that I have little choice but to fight
because the alternative is
utter failure
...
processing
trying to tap in
to the inner strength
that is fighting for me
trying to keep moving in the forward direction
ever severing
with a surety
that tie
that I wish did not need to die....
today I cry
while tomorrow
I'll try
once again for the tiny victory
of standing up for me.
I am not what they made me out to be
And I am not really angry
just hurt and confused
and intelligent enough to know
that anger holds power
even has it's place
when hard things have to be done...

Off-putting and processing.

Off-putting.
That is the word a friend used to describe some of my... behaviors? today in a conversation. I can tell you that not all that long ago that very part of our conversation would have been too painful for me to hear. Not because I don't think that I am, but rather because I know that I am or can be. This is something I have struggled to understand about me for a very long time. I know that I was in some ways or many off-putting with Dr. He and it hurt me so bad that he wouldn't tell me what it was I was doing. It is part of what I was fighting to understand and in my eyes it was part of his job to help me know what it was I was doing so I could learn what I needed to change.
Off-putting comes with the territory of brain injury you see, we are often far too honest and blunt. The paths of our brains don't funnel the same and the creative ways we adapt can seem quite offensive when really they are not at all intended to be.
So this time, my ears perked up and it did not even sting to hear this label attached to me, rather I was glad to hear the honesty. It helps that it was said lovingly from a friend whom I trust and that I know is trying to help me.
Conversation with her, and then working with the adolescent I am academically advising, I am feel the turning of points today.
What is tricky and hard and what I can't quite figure out, but apparently is off-putting, is that I am still  somewhat attached to damned Dr. He even when I think that I am really not. So this is off-putting and maybe also the anger in the word that proceeded his name.
Some friends have related to me by connecting this to boyfriends of the past, and I have myself done that to help remind me of how wounds will heal. But the real problem is he was never my boyfriend (though I have on occasion sarcastically referred to him as that) he was my therapist and a crucial medical provider for me.
So I am not sure if this honesty now is off putting but I would like to continue to process.
As my therapist and medical provider, one with expertise that I have needed since I was 12, I became his problem the moment he choose this profession, so it becomes rather complex for my brain and apparently my body/physiology when he rejects and denies me his attention and services because he may have developed misguided feelings for me.
It was not me that could not work through whatever it was I was feeling. It was he. And because he refused to see or covered it to protect himself I was sent to a much worse off place and this does stir in me anger. An anger that is off-putting?
So what do I do about it and how do I handle the medical malpractice that then spiraled out of control with his associates who happened to be the "right" place and "right" people that simply did not want to serve me any longer because of their own paranoia.
Is this public shaming of a woman for a mans indiscretions? It certainly seems like it is.
There lies in this story so many hot ticket items of the kind that no one likes to speak of.
Regardless, off-putting and vulnerable I am learning how to stand up for myself. And maybe I am choosing to no longer be so sweet that I will simply continue to turn the other cheek when I know that others are also suffering in sweet, kind, sympathetic, self-destructive silence. Countertransference another hushed hot ticket item.
I hope my friends like this friend keep offering help and guidance and I hope that as others listen they will also see that even people like me deserve to be protected and guarded from the lies of ethically discarded.

Adventure, Physiology and Guns

Yesterday we had an adventure. Spontaneous, not super significant, but an adventure like we have not had in awhile. My husband had reason to drive out to west desert country, Tooele, to be exact. He asked if I wanted to come, actually it was probably more the other way around first, I had to drop hints that I wanted him to ask. I asked if we could go to the wonder stone quarry. They are some of my favorite little rocks. So plain on the outside but quite interesting and beautiful inside. He agreed so we were off to have an adventure.

Outside

Inside

My daughter laid out a few of her favorites.

It was nice. I loved it. I felt the chemistry push back a little, it was wanting to go to high ...and if I am really honest and documenting the effects of the dropping of a patient in transference and mania I will tell you it is annoying that those feelings bring Dr. He to mind... because he is now tied to my messed up chemistry and especially the happy more high feelings. What a kill joy, even though he probably is not, so I don't let it and I try to stay present and find the balance in my reality and mighty fine moments.
I know that I need him to fade since he is really a jerk (even though he presents as quite sweet and charming) who won't take responsibility, professionally or personally, and has no respect or concern for me.
And that is all I want to say about that.
I do hope you see I am rational and can see it for what it is but the effects are still rather psychologically profound and significant. And I hope anyone else experiencing anything similar knows they are not alone and what they are going through is really not right.
In spite of the annoying physiological association, our fun adventure helped me feel more of me again and reminded me of the simple things I enjoy.

After our fun little adventure my husband was craving a good hamburger and it was surprisingly difficult to find. We ended up at some .357 place because it had good reviews. .357 is a reference to guns since the place was connected to a shooting range and gun store. We weren't sure it was quite what we were looking for so we decided to look at the gun side of things while we discussed our decision.
They had a display of hand guns you could handle and I was looking at this as we discussed. I picked them up. They seemed like toys. I have handled guns plenty before, but a chill ran through me as the thoughts that I have been fighting to shut down came into my minds eye once again. I put it down and said with out even thinking "I think I need to leave."
My husband seemed to see something in me so he did not object or delay. And as we walked away I realized again just how easy it'd have been for me to have ended it all, like my brother, if I had easy access or if a gun had been left laying around.
They never are in our house.
My brother had served in the military in Afghanistan and that may be why he slept with a loaded gun.
But we do have guns in our house and I am glad I don't know exactly where they are or how to load them. (Actually I probably do know how to load them but have conveniently forgotten and I am choosing to keep it that way right now)
...Last night I thought of the gun safe in our garage, the one that my brother-in-law brought over when my sister was not doing so well.
And I have mixed feelings about guns all of the sudden -a right I know needs protecting after being held up a gun point in a country where they are illegal, yet a very real threat to me right now.
And I don't want to go into the politics and nonsense of it but right now I am glad I don't have access ...and so last night I let my husband know to make sure it stays that way for some time.
It is a symptom and this is an intelligent preventative measure that I would suggest to anyone else who may also have this symptom.
This is reality.
Please understand.
My fight I will fight with bare hands.
and I feel this is important to share.

The Husband

The other part of this equation is the relationship with myself and my husband.

 I don't share so much about this but obviously there are going to be problems.

And when there are, guess what it feeds?

No one is fighting for me

Even though he is,  just in his own way, it hurts because of our differences. 

Too many years neglected, overlooked, under appreciated the way that most good wives are. And yet he has had to endure the intensities of me, so for neither has it been super easy. He does say that how I handle has always impressed him... 

We have always been friends, usually best friends but

Relationships are hard and we have struggled a lot.

Between us I have always been honest and he has learned to be also.

But maybe I am too honest.

...The trait that gets me in trouble. 

So honest that he (husband) realized before I did that I had fallen in love with my therapist. 

But he didn't mind 

he knows how I work 

and he knows that I'll keep it in line. 

Now he minds. I am no longer "in love" with my therapist because he is not my therapist and he will have nothing to do with me ever anyway. But it is stupid and hard that he is still tied to my chemistry and it still hurts so damn bad.

I do not know how to handle all of this.

And neither does my husband. 

I am working on it.

I am

But sometimes I still stumble and fall with my haywire chemistry

which is what the previous entry is about.

Right now what bothers me is the intensity of the stumbles now in relation to the rest of the time.

Now, they are intense in something different. I can mostly keep it hidden that I have bruised a few knuckles fighting me back.

I actually phoned a friend the other day. 

I don't think I have ever done that before in that state.

I keep thinking it's done, gone, I'm good, I can move on, but then silence too long, push back, or off handed remarks, brings something quite scary back out. 

I want to say I am out of the woods and I think I will eventually be... but my physiology still sometimes thinks it is supposed to be rid of me...

This battle at times is so very hard.

I am right now writing from a much better place then I was in my previous entry. 

And as I reflect I see that I did not eat right and slept terribly. I actually dreamt of medical bills...

It is annoying how fragile I am.

TBI realities? I think so. Exacerbated by the medical and therapy gods -arrogant buffoons who own the word ethical and decide who is and isn't worth saving.

...not worth the fight so I write

I’m still struggling.
Still stuck in this place
Because “I will never have anything to do with you”
And he’ll make sure
But you is me and me is you when enmeshed in therapy
It’s overwhelming
Life
My dreams and aspirations
And somehow just writing still helps
It’s better then the image of a gun to the head
Even though that gun is just for cleaning

“Do you really think that”
Asks Dr. She when I tell her “at least if she has she’s in a better place”
Because I know that God will still love her

Why keep fighting?
I sometimes wonder
Just so Dr. She can feel like a hero?
These are thoughts that go through my head
And they bother me
Especially since I am so much more level
...slow...
Sometimes it is taking too long to recover
And I am not worth the fight
So I write