Dear John, ... Love, God

6/11/2019 4:22am

I’ve been lying awake for some time now. Even though so many people have told me there is nothing you can do, (the giant IHC will do what they want) I am still in shock. It baffles me that they have faked so much and gone so far and accept no responsibility, will admit no wrong doing.  

As I am lying awake I think of my meme: Not Maniac? Then God really does have a message for you. 

And I think of his lack of reply when I asked “Do you think I have been here playing games with you this whole time?”

I think of how this seems to drive that final nail of evidence that he was. 

I think about his comment, “I don’t believe in forever anymore”

And of the chakra visible Yin and Yang that appeared in his office 

God's message to him through me may look something like this:

I do. and I’ll find you in forever 
but like the unicorn on your couch, you will be lost in outer darkness not believing in your own existence. 

When I find you, I’ll feel like a God to you as I pull you out of your darkness 

and As you realize your truth,

The truth that will either free us both from the lies of this situation 

Or that will burn you up. 

A burn that will ignite inside of you to the degree of Hell.

The burn that I have felt an inkling of as you lit and played with the fire of my personal chemistry. 

I was not your personal chemistry set. 
I am not a toy.

And though you helped me realize

That I am simply human and allowed to be

-That I do not wish to be a god and do not have to be-

I will feel like One to you 

as I reach for you 

and your truths are revealed.

So… will you deny my mania?

The way you have denied connection

The way you deny responsibility for the mess you know I should not be blamed for?

It’d be so much easier if I were devoid of the symptoms you deny

Then I could forget 

And I would not need to solve

But alas, the sad reality is that I am not.

And that I am not David

Though I might now go looking for him 

To bring down the Goliath that you hide behind.

So, dear friend, was I manic or not?

Or is this too deep for you the way those potentially troublesome emails were too deep for your superiors? [Now what were you so worried about? Or did you have to work to manipulate them to overlook it ...kind of like the way you manipulated me?…Hoping you could alter what I was seeing when you knew I was seeing right through you -when you knew before I did …because I am/was slow at processing new information in the time of my broken brain. Too bad I know so many tricks. Too bad I have the experience you now call “prior undisclosed”]

Will this be your reality? Or will you find God again? 

I hope you will find God, because he loves you so much more than I do.

(and only He can save you from this hell you have created)

Thor

this draft is a bit messy but I'm publishing anyway because its a good segue into the next, and this blog is about letting it come out how it will anyway.
6/9/2019 9:55 driving home
I have written about so many different things in so many different places lately and for so many different audiences that I am not sure if I have written about this here, on the blog:

“You are very intuitive” is in my head. It wants to be written about and published.

Intuition is something I had to, -or maybe not “had to” but simply- learned to, rely on as neuroplasticity was occurring in response to my young TBI.

I have said this before. Have I said it here? I could spend time looking back or I can repeat. …It is funny how we call some repetition rumination. Repetition is a very effective learning tool. In many forms we call it practice. So at what point does repetition become rumination? And at what point does what we learn, realize, observe, absorb, feel and sense become intuition?

My intuition is pretty good at this point. But so is my ability to explore possibilities. The more times one swings a hammer the more likely they are to hit the nail on the head.

Swinging the hammer?

This is a new thought…

Swinging the hammer so many times is more likely hit the nail on the head but it is also more likely to create a few holes in the wall. …
Don’t leave a hammer in the hands of an undisciplined swinging child?
Stop swinging the hammer, recenter, focus on the nail, test at close range, then again further and further as you your strike becomes more presise ? Thus driving the nail in with intention?
So many possible analogies and directions, lessons that can be learned.
Driving the nail
The final nail
…Left to drive this nail into my own coffin?
Maybe I don’t want to hit the nail on the head
Maybe take the nail out
Maybe then the swinging hard and fast is appropriate
Because in the coffin is not where I belong

If you have to drive the nail into the coffin of the child that is not dead then keep the hammer in the hands of the wild swinging child. Let them break the coffin, all on their own, when you know you can’t. when your hands are tied.
Intuition Is that you speaking?
IHC do you create coffins for the undead? Driving nails when insurance, politics and greed says to?

Swing that hammer wild child, Redirect your rumination. Use that to your advantage. -you may not be able to bring down the fort (manufacturer) but maybe you’ll bust free from the premature coffin you've been put in, before that final nail is driven.

It’s arbitrary.
End treatment
Who decides when that is wise?
Best interest
“more testing less therapy”
“slow at processing new information”
TBI
Brain fog
PTSD
Hide my vulnerabilities
Years of burying my TBI story because it is not acceptable.
Limited to 10 sessions

Do not take on what you will not treat fairly and appropriately,
you confirm that TBI and the problems associated are not only not acceptable but also not valid.
Not okay, IHC.

Triggered

The other day at work while I listened to one of the kids try to work over my boss, I was feeling things.
I was tired.
I was not involved in this conversation but it was bothering me.
Boss was handling it fine, but was he aware of how man-boy kid was trying to play on his vulnerabilities and kindness to protect himself?
Of course he was. I knew this
Why did I need this concern off my mind, maybe my chest?
I was tired and knew I needed sleep.
What was it though that was really bothering me about this situation?
For one is was becoming increasingly obvious that kid needed to be held accountable and face consequences for his actions.
But that was not really what was bothering me...
I felt worried about boss...
I genuinely did, but I also genuinely felt concern for  kid and the way kid was acting was not out of character nor was it inappropriate for his position and coming from.
So what was it that I was feeling that was bothering me?

I was feeling my own pain.
It was confusing my brain as I was witnessing this kids attempt to take advantage of, maybe even manipulate, bosses kindness and vulnerabilities to avoid the consequences of his actions.
I had been in that position before. Only I was supposed to be in the position of kid, the paying client trusting and needing added support, when, instead, I was being used as the support; manipulated and vulnerabilities played on by the person who was supposed to be in the position of boss over me. 

Watching this situation unfold hurt me. I was triggered.
I thought I had done all my breaking but I broke a little again or broke a little more as I heard how boss kept things de-escalated while being honest and keeping the kids wellbeing at the forefront of his mind.
My wellbeing was not at the forefront. My wellbeing was set aside and my kindness and vulnerabilities were played with to protect the man who was supposed to be in control.
I don't want to break anymore. I want to be done with this pain. I don't want his problems to be mine...
While I may have disagreed before I now know, when someone is in therapy they are so very vulnerable, so very broken, and so very trusting and the therapist is the one in the position of power. They never need to try and prove that power, to do so is likely an abuse of it.

Push backs or spiral thinking?

Pay attention to the push back was one of the lessons I learned from the book I recently loved, "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone."

Push back last night came fast and angry. I felt ganged up on.
I was in the wrong, but not entirely and not just me.

"but" -does that undermine my accepting responsibility?

I don't want to circle think, I don't want to be feeling so insecure and second guessing myself so much. But I feel there is something to the push back.
Am I bpd? Is my husband? both?
Or do I just loose too much mood stability when I am past my 80%?
Is it both? or all?
And what do I do about it?

clearly husband...
...nope, no clearly there.

Do I allow myself to visit the reasons for the explosive and angry push back directed at my whole family? Do I validate and justify my pain and frustration? Or am I a bad person?

I feel like I am not allowed to be human and make mistakes.
I feel confused about this.
I feel confused often about how the words that come out of peoples mouths do not match their actions. Do I do this too?

I think to be human may mean we are walking contradictions.

Last night I lashed out with words
I felt backed into a corner
I knew I had made mistakes and I knew that I was wrong when
I was being accused of attacking while I was feeling very attacked
I was tired

looking back it is so easy to see now how I should have, could have, even would have, handled both situations differently (last nights and the night before -what last nights was about),
but at the same time I think I feel more angry and frustrated than sorry.

And I know the common thread is me
which just makes me more angry

...Maybe that is to combat the sense of worthlessness that started to flare up again?
Do I just stop fighting the feelings and working to prove that I am not worthless?

Last night I said to myself "I don't want to feel like this and I don't want to keep fighting this fight"
but with that, the only thing I could see was leaving.

...leaving I'm still left with me
I'm always left with me
Which may be what hell really is
If I don't solve this
-this issue of being a me that is unlovable

...and now I will be judged "feeling sorry for myself" "victimizing myself" "trying to manipulate"

withhold judgement please, this blog is for being honest, this is my safe place, and those words are not the words I use when I push back.
Am I saying that in other ways? Am I trying to prove to others that I am what I am feeling?
Am I my feelings because I feel so intensely?

round and round I go like bacterium Borrelia burgdorferi

...In the end I am still left with me
the common thread
that can't seem to get it right in caring and communicating
-what am I fighting for?
I'm not fighting to win, I am fighting to survive.

Message Received

"You are not worth my time.
You are not worth working through things with.
You are not worth loving"
are such difficult messages received to work through
when they came from a therapist

-especially one that was absolutely
trusted
loved
admired-

This absolute reinforcement of  lack of worth
just keeps coming back to haunt

You only have as much value as you give yourself

I finally got to talk with the patient advocate in person. She is a lovely lady and I'm sure the lady with her was also but my attention was on the advocate I have been working with.
At times I am hard to understand and keep up with which is why I am especially glad my friend who is a a licensed therapist was able to come with me when I last minute thought to asked him.
He was able to point out things I have tried to point out but will not be seen, considered or listened to simply because it is me.
-It's funny how humans do this, we so often will not accept or allow a person to know or explain for themselves about themselves.-
Therapist friend was also able to communicate more effectively, including things I had not thought of or would not allow myself to, because he could take the emotions out and he did not have my built up frustration. He was also able to validate and understand why I keep coming at this impossible task.
-Sometimes we have to fight the fight, knowing we will likely loose, but fighting anyway because we have to prove to ourself that we are worth it- we have to stand up for what we truly believe in, even if no-one else does-
Therapist Friend could point out that this is not a case of "he said she said" like they would like it to be.
There is evidence and it is documented. and when looked at by others who understand the nature of a therapeutic relationship it is very clear that the "she saids" are symptomatic and evidence themselves.
... yet I am still that paradox of "these are my symptoms and my problems" while I am still trying to hide them. Not to mention that I don't want to accept them so I do all I can to get rid of or manage them while hiding and trying to talk about and not talk about them at the same time.
Maybe this is how I isolate myself?
Neurotic?
"You isolate yourself" came into friend and my conversation on the drive home.
Maybe I am okay there, safe there. Maybe my hurts from rejections are simply push back on my need to accept belonging in the world of doing so little alone and not belonging in the world of "together we can do so much."
Maybe I have craved that belonging so much that I have put too much value on it and maybe deep down inside I don't value it as much as I am believing I do or "should"
...It's a thought.
Still more, ever more, left to do in the figuring out of me I suppose. and yet I am caring less and less about just that.
Life is an adventure in so many forms and while this is one part of it, this not me in my entirety; Mostly I just find a lot of joy, beauty and meaning so easily and in so many very simple things. I love to love and that has been and is the most important thing for me to figure out.
Thanks for listening.
...Added 5/25:
 it nags
She said "you asked him if he wanted to talk about it"
No. I asked him "why" (actually "can I ask why?)
There is HUGE difference between those two questions and the fact that this is how I am being understood-which is misunderstood- really, really bothers me

1+1=2 fixing me and you

Solving.
"don't try to"
"what will it accomplish?"
Why do I have this drive to solve?
"I think you wake up with 80% already spent" says my husband. Often he is right. But why am I waking up with less than 20% of my reserves left?
I'll wake up with an epiphany...my brain is still solving even when I am asleep.
Solving
why and what do I hope to accomplish?
"...it's a matter of how I try to solve..."
Even when I am not trying, it is, or it has become, so deeply engrained in me that I am even doing it in my sleep.
epiphany
but still too tired to get up and type it out because I'm waking up worn out
solving because I know too many people that are unhappy, in pain, and causing others pain because they don't want to solve themselves. They don't want to fix their own problems.
Sometimes they'd rather blame,
sometimes it is uncomfortable
sometimes it is scary to face yourself, your fears, your vulnerabilities
To admit you are wrong and try doing things or looking at things a different way. So you leave it alone and don't try to solve and the pain continues, perpetuated, and projected.
Can it be solved?
Is this my way of attempting to control what feels painful and out of control? to control what I cannot.
Maybe.
Yesterday, tired, brain not wanting to turn off, I wanted it too stop solving.
It did. I turned off the self reflection and attempts to solve... compartmentalized and suppressed.
because I was exhausted
I have done this before. turned off the solving and self-reflection. Sometimes it is an effective tool. Sometimes it is not. Sometimes, if I push the "this's" down, they come out in other ways. they start nagging, biting and pushing buttons.
Yesterday IKEA. I am not solving, I am being present and enjoying the moment... but only now I am fighting urges that are suggesting I am unsatisfied with the normal and mundane. Urges that think it would be interesting to see and hear what that blue porcelain vase would look and sound like if I dropped it on the concrete floor or that wish to ask any random man if he'd like to have sex.
Where does that stuff even come from? I don't solve this time, I try to stay present. But it's a lie, I am still solving as I maintain my composure and agree to follow the societal norms and expectations instead of just being what I am in the moment. And I am likely trying to solve again as I observe my thoughts and urges, feel curious about them, where they are coming from and why?
Yesterday's Ikea thoughts, urges and desires were a bit out of character. Not that I have never felt or had thought things like this before but that it has been a very long time and they had a different feel to them.
I wonder what others are thinking and feeling as they walk amongst strangers acting so well behaved.
Are they thinking similar thoughts? Do they ever wish to hear things shatter out of curiosity? Do they wish to have sex with some random stranger just to settle whatever chemistry is surging? Do they wish to break the boring confines of societal norms because it all seems so pointless and silly?
What does this all mean anyway?
Do I need help solving this?
Concussion Dr. said she would help me find a new team. Maybe a psychiatrist-therapist combo. But I have not heard anything from her. I am not surprised and I guess her now cold-to-me assistant may have something to do with this.
Time to solve again.
Time to find a new team so they can take some of this solving burden
the burden that was multiplied with the directions "don't try to solve this" and the abandonment that followed.
sigh.
But I solve because my epiphany reminds me that solving is better (to me) than hurting and causing harm, it's better than suppressing what will only break out in some other, likely destructive, way.