Just a friendly reminder to who all who read or follow:
this blog is reflective of what I am feeling in the moment and not reflective of me as a whole.
Sometimes I need to allow myself to feel things so they may pass. Sometimes writing helps me process my feelings.
So please remember you are only reading the part of me that most needs processing assistance.
Thank you.
...that said
here is what's in my head
even though I don't think I really need this writing to process at the moment (blog was just up)
My mood is mostly okay, but still unstable
that is frustrating to me
I find I am spending too much time reminding myself that I am okay
that I am happy
I am
I just don't want to be reminding myself so much. I like better when it is more of my base and I am stable in it; only rocked occasionally by things that are significant rockers or with lots of build up... maybe that is a judgement. Whose to say what's significant anyway?
maybe because I am not, less significant things will rock my world.
... no, that analogy doesn't work so well. Small, seemingly insignificant things seem to be more sturdy. Small, low profile things tend to withstand greater winds and storms.
Maybe I am not so insignificant, maybe I am too big so I am easily shaken.
My emotions are often too big. Until they are not.
...I am off on a "me" tangent that I don't want to be on
and I don't really care about this nonsense anyway.
I would like to feel more stable and solid in my emotions again. I am tired of the the tears.
Though some experiences are so exquisite we wish to savor them forever, I think I'd like for this one to pass now. Fade into the void it has left behind
... the trouble with being too much. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-emotional-intensity/201805/feeling-intensely-the-wounds-being-too-much
But it's only this moment
then I'm off to outside
a beautiful day
-scared of my ankle
but going anyway-
smile and play
that's more my way
Saturday, May 11, 2019
the industry of blasphemy
When it was all still very fresh I felt upset and alarmed in the dousing defensive communication cycles pilot class we were participating in when withdrawal and cutting off were brought up as red level (abusive) defense mechanism in communication. I was upset and alarmed because that seems to be the stock and protocol solution to a therapists fallacy of countertransference.
Why would any institution, that is supposed to be crusading for mental health, going to use a red zone defensive communication pattern as the only solution to this human component?
It did not make any sense at all to me.
Makes me angry really.
I felt defensive.
And almost angrily asked the overseeing psychologist about it after the class. I remember him being rather interested in my experience at first. I told him about how I had been writing about it and he was really interested in that. He didn't want to exploit me but he was interested in seeing what I wrote and in possibly using it for training his people on the importance of keeping countertransference in check in sessions. But, (does it come as a shock, of course not to just about everyone, but it still pisses me off) he lost interest when I said I'd like to be involved an help with that. I'd be happy to share my story but I'd like some say on how it is used to train people. He hasn't talked to me since about it and maybe that is because I gave him this blog info so he doesn't need to, I am giving it away for free, but also, maybe I am just far too complicated a case for him or whatever, but it annoys me right now as I remember the state of mind I was still in and that he likely saw that we had different views on what the real problem was and what to do about it. It still annoys me even though I feel my line of thought coming more closely in line with what he seemed to be expressing; that it is and can be a major problem when a therapist is not addressing countertransference appropriately.
I am significant evidence of that. I can tell you first hand how badly that screws with your psychology.
It's supposed to be a safe place. You are vulnerable and you trust them so completely. Things are starting to make sense -maybe for the first time- in your confused dysfunctional life; you are starting to feel a calm that you may have never experienced before; but then, once again, your progress is sabotaged by the dysfunctions of the human condition. And once again is not your fault and entirely your fault at the same time. Only this time it feels divinely manifested due to the blasphemous level therapists have been elevated to, by you and by their own selves.
You have been abandoned by the gods because you are not worthy but there is no savior for you because the gods don't want you.
You'll fall back at some point into old habits and old patterns, and you can try an new god but you know they aren't your god and your aware of the blasphemy of the industry now so you can't trust any of it.
You also can't trust what you felt.
You can't trust your own feelings.
It was all fake. Man made.
and you are not even sure by who; them or you.
They are supposed to be the one in control. they are supposed to be the one helping you. but they broke you instead, because you got into their head?
When you weren't trying.
You, my friend, are a whole new mess of your old mess.
You'll not break free because you have been condemned
no one to fall back on
no one to trust
not even yourself.
It seems so silly
It sounds so made up
but the depth and reality you now face and try to tackle every new day has you knowing how profoundly powerful psychology is and how they really are in a position of power.
I hate when other people have power over me ...and my emotions.
I wish it were as simple as it sounds to just not let them have that power.
I suppose I am handing my power over to others
...but the alternative is isolating myself?
How do I find the balance?
I am lost again.
Why would any institution, that is supposed to be crusading for mental health, going to use a red zone defensive communication pattern as the only solution to this human component?
It did not make any sense at all to me.
Makes me angry really.
I felt defensive.
And almost angrily asked the overseeing psychologist about it after the class. I remember him being rather interested in my experience at first. I told him about how I had been writing about it and he was really interested in that. He didn't want to exploit me but he was interested in seeing what I wrote and in possibly using it for training his people on the importance of keeping countertransference in check in sessions. But, (does it come as a shock, of course not to just about everyone, but it still pisses me off) he lost interest when I said I'd like to be involved an help with that. I'd be happy to share my story but I'd like some say on how it is used to train people. He hasn't talked to me since about it and maybe that is because I gave him this blog info so he doesn't need to, I am giving it away for free, but also, maybe I am just far too complicated a case for him or whatever, but it annoys me right now as I remember the state of mind I was still in and that he likely saw that we had different views on what the real problem was and what to do about it. It still annoys me even though I feel my line of thought coming more closely in line with what he seemed to be expressing; that it is and can be a major problem when a therapist is not addressing countertransference appropriately.
I am significant evidence of that. I can tell you first hand how badly that screws with your psychology.
It's supposed to be a safe place. You are vulnerable and you trust them so completely. Things are starting to make sense -maybe for the first time- in your confused dysfunctional life; you are starting to feel a calm that you may have never experienced before; but then, once again, your progress is sabotaged by the dysfunctions of the human condition. And once again is not your fault and entirely your fault at the same time. Only this time it feels divinely manifested due to the blasphemous level therapists have been elevated to, by you and by their own selves.
You have been abandoned by the gods because you are not worthy but there is no savior for you because the gods don't want you.
You'll fall back at some point into old habits and old patterns, and you can try an new god but you know they aren't your god and your aware of the blasphemy of the industry now so you can't trust any of it.
You also can't trust what you felt.
You can't trust your own feelings.
It was all fake. Man made.
and you are not even sure by who; them or you.
They are supposed to be the one in control. they are supposed to be the one helping you. but they broke you instead, because you got into their head?
When you weren't trying.
You, my friend, are a whole new mess of your old mess.
You'll not break free because you have been condemned
no one to fall back on
no one to trust
not even yourself.
It seems so silly
It sounds so made up
but the depth and reality you now face and try to tackle every new day has you knowing how profoundly powerful psychology is and how they really are in a position of power.
I hate when other people have power over me ...and my emotions.
I wish it were as simple as it sounds to just not let them have that power.
I suppose I am handing my power over to others
...but the alternative is isolating myself?
How do I find the balance?
I am lost again.
Thursday, May 9, 2019
Explosive
I have been weening because I feel like I need to figure out my base again in order to know what I really need. I'm realizing I need to fine tune meds. I am disappointed I have to take them at all and had been very hopeful about going off.
I had hoped that I could, but dear old therapist kind of screwed me out of that possibility.
Concussion Dr. may have been correct way back in January that those meds were not the right meds. As of last appointment she thought I needed to give them more time. But she had kind of stopped listening, kind of like dear old therapist had, probably because she doesn't want to hear about it, because then she has to think and consider her colleague's (dear old therapist's) part in all of this and she just wants to believe whatever he told her.
More time, I have given too much of. I need stable. I am already to that point, the next step, sorting out any residual. And residual is explosive angry.
So it stays ever complicated and frustrating which is why I moved my next follow up, up and most likely why it will be goodbye forever to my found fortress of solitude turned kryptonite cave.
and weening. new job. still not stable.
Angry at injustices of raffles that were not done correctly, I won't donate now based on principle! But that is not the injustice I am really angry about, its the scapegoat that'll pay, or at least refund, for their mistake. In all honesty it was a really stupid and unfair mistake on their part since they entered and then awarded the prizes to donations of different increments that were not even intended for said raffle. We know those were the winners because the raffle tickets were business card side the other donations were postcard size. Postcard size, that was not intended for this raffle, were the winners. It is not right. and I don't trust the donation at all anymore. I make sure they know. "Sorry." ...but he's not going to do anything about it. Not going to make it fair to all those who had paid for raffle tickets whose entries became invalid when they decided to throw these others into the mix that forced the actual raffle tickets to the bottom of which ignorant puller did not know were the actual raffle tickets. It was annoying to watch. So it was not nothing but still, not something to feel explosive about.
...Explosive for the third time after getting off work at 2:30. The other two for other issues but equally as... nonthreatening.
I don't like this part of the cycle.
and I am angry.
angry at the injustice and the perpetuate
angry at the parallels that seem to suggest that I'm innately flawed, it is my fault that people will abandon me when I need them most.
I am angry
I was not abandoned tonight.
"The squeaky wheel gets the grease"
And that makes me angry too. I don't want to be the squeaky wheel... because my squeak is a big vicious wolf snarl ...a wolf that has been mistaken for a bad dog that shouldn't be feed.
I had hoped that I could, but dear old therapist kind of screwed me out of that possibility.
Concussion Dr. may have been correct way back in January that those meds were not the right meds. As of last appointment she thought I needed to give them more time. But she had kind of stopped listening, kind of like dear old therapist had, probably because she doesn't want to hear about it, because then she has to think and consider her colleague's (dear old therapist's) part in all of this and she just wants to believe whatever he told her.
More time, I have given too much of. I need stable. I am already to that point, the next step, sorting out any residual. And residual is explosive angry.
So it stays ever complicated and frustrating which is why I moved my next follow up, up and most likely why it will be goodbye forever to my found fortress of solitude turned kryptonite cave.
and weening. new job. still not stable.
Angry at injustices of raffles that were not done correctly, I won't donate now based on principle! But that is not the injustice I am really angry about, its the scapegoat that'll pay, or at least refund, for their mistake. In all honesty it was a really stupid and unfair mistake on their part since they entered and then awarded the prizes to donations of different increments that were not even intended for said raffle. We know those were the winners because the raffle tickets were business card side the other donations were postcard size. Postcard size, that was not intended for this raffle, were the winners. It is not right. and I don't trust the donation at all anymore. I make sure they know. "Sorry." ...but he's not going to do anything about it. Not going to make it fair to all those who had paid for raffle tickets whose entries became invalid when they decided to throw these others into the mix that forced the actual raffle tickets to the bottom of which ignorant puller did not know were the actual raffle tickets. It was annoying to watch. So it was not nothing but still, not something to feel explosive about.
...Explosive for the third time after getting off work at 2:30. The other two for other issues but equally as... nonthreatening.
I don't like this part of the cycle.
and I am angry.
angry at the injustice and the perpetuate
angry at the parallels that seem to suggest that I'm innately flawed, it is my fault that people will abandon me when I need them most.
I am angry
I was not abandoned tonight.
"The squeaky wheel gets the grease"
And that makes me angry too. I don't want to be the squeaky wheel... because my squeak is a big vicious wolf snarl ...a wolf that has been mistaken for a bad dog that shouldn't be feed.
Monday, May 6, 2019
Trust
This is still nagging me.
I wrote an email and haven't sent it. I started a blog entry, a few times and have not published.
One of those blog entries got surprisingly angry very fast as I faced the emotions I am trying to not feel.
Here is what is bothering me. I sent my letter of appeal. I opted for trusting the patient advocate or at least being very nice in my approach despite my frustration and realization that she is not really representing me at all. My attempt was also meant to ease some of the burden of my poor stressed accident attorney who does not like knowing that Dr. Cherri-Dr. P will not go to bat for me. He knows (accident attorney) that my pushing to be heard and for actual representation in their bogus investigation will not help with that, so in effort and attempt to correct some I opted for nice and trusting.
Plus I'd rather be nice, so I took that approach.
To which my patient advocate replied with; "What that means is that, unfortunately, we will not be meeting again until the end of May. However, the good news is that with that being the case, I will be able to be present for the appeals committee meeting. I truly do wish you all the best and will be in touch after our May appeals committee meeting."
And this bugs the hell out me... There is that anger coming out again. I'll try to keep it in check as I explain:
1st: she did not even read or have the mysterious and unnamed "medical director" read my side of the story that I told her was important to include in the investigation. I had even asked her to stop the investigation from proceeding unless and/or until that was included when I realized that the investigation was not what I thought, was not going to benefit me, and she did not seem to understand what my concerns really were. That entire document, which was my side of the story, what my concerns were and what I was asking them for, was disregarded and not included in the investigation; when that is what the investigation was supposed to be about.
2nd: After receiving the letter about the investigation and seeing that this was obviously the case when I tried to talk with her about it, she inadvertently revealed the gravity of the mistakes and/or more ways they had screwed up. Realizing there is so much more going on then I know and that I don't really understand this whole process I asked if I could speak with her in person to discuss what I was not comfortable discussing on the phone or through email. I hoped she could help me sort out what needed to be said and what didn't to help them see that I am not the enemy they seem to have me made out to be. She would not talk to me in person. She would not return phone calls anymore.
For these reasons I just don't understand why she thinks I would be pleased that she "will be able to present to the appeals committee." She is obviously not presenting me or my interests. And if she is supposed to be my advocate why is she saying "I truly do wish you all the best and will be in touch after our May appeals committee meeting, " as if the outcome has already been determined and she will continue in her determination to avoid a real conversation about this.
I feel she is being smug and arrogant. I feel she is belittling me in thinking I am stupid enough to believe she is actually representing me in anyway. I feel angry at this whole bullshit operation and my anger is rising to the surface again. And I am not just angry at them but I am also angry and annoyed with myself as I am behaving like someone who has been groomed, withholding information and trying to protect the person who has and continues to cause harm. I am slightly angry no-one there seems to see that and they continue to push for a full blown attack that would require me going full out loco on them... I don't want that.
I have chosen to trust people again and again. To give them the benefit of the doubt because I understand that trust is a choice and people are more likely to live up to our expectations, so not trusting them does not really benefit anyone. But maybe I am working with an entirely different caliber of people, and maybe they pride themselves in making fools of those who give them the benefit of the doubt.
But who then, is the real fool? The one who chooses to give the benefit of the doubt and trusts or the one who will try to fool the person who gives them the benefit of the doubt?
I have given you that power, trusting you, knowing you have made mistakes but believing we can all move past that and work together for the common good. You will use it against me and mock me for it? Who is the fool?
I am, because I keep trying? Maybe.
And I do wonder if he has used his hypnotic voice and Jedi mind tricks to manipulate this person, my advocate, as well?... ever higher red flags fly
why
nice guy
If I am wrong in my interpretation then clarify. Talk to me. I am still willing to trust but I am not nearly as ignorant or foolish as you think.
Too much power have I?
little green Jedi?
(and that is my final thought to lighten the mood, because though I can be heavy, though I can go deep, I am not nearly so scary was one might think)
I wrote an email and haven't sent it. I started a blog entry, a few times and have not published.
One of those blog entries got surprisingly angry very fast as I faced the emotions I am trying to not feel.
Here is what is bothering me. I sent my letter of appeal. I opted for trusting the patient advocate or at least being very nice in my approach despite my frustration and realization that she is not really representing me at all. My attempt was also meant to ease some of the burden of my poor stressed accident attorney who does not like knowing that Dr. Cherri-Dr. P will not go to bat for me. He knows (accident attorney) that my pushing to be heard and for actual representation in their bogus investigation will not help with that, so in effort and attempt to correct some I opted for nice and trusting.
Plus I'd rather be nice, so I took that approach.
To which my patient advocate replied with; "What that means is that, unfortunately, we will not be meeting again until the end of May. However, the good news is that with that being the case, I will be able to be present for the appeals committee meeting. I truly do wish you all the best and will be in touch after our May appeals committee meeting."
And this bugs the hell out me... There is that anger coming out again. I'll try to keep it in check as I explain:
1st: she did not even read or have the mysterious and unnamed "medical director" read my side of the story that I told her was important to include in the investigation. I had even asked her to stop the investigation from proceeding unless and/or until that was included when I realized that the investigation was not what I thought, was not going to benefit me, and she did not seem to understand what my concerns really were. That entire document, which was my side of the story, what my concerns were and what I was asking them for, was disregarded and not included in the investigation; when that is what the investigation was supposed to be about.
2nd: After receiving the letter about the investigation and seeing that this was obviously the case when I tried to talk with her about it, she inadvertently revealed the gravity of the mistakes and/or more ways they had screwed up. Realizing there is so much more going on then I know and that I don't really understand this whole process I asked if I could speak with her in person to discuss what I was not comfortable discussing on the phone or through email. I hoped she could help me sort out what needed to be said and what didn't to help them see that I am not the enemy they seem to have me made out to be. She would not talk to me in person. She would not return phone calls anymore.
For these reasons I just don't understand why she thinks I would be pleased that she "will be able to present to the appeals committee." She is obviously not presenting me or my interests. And if she is supposed to be my advocate why is she saying "I truly do wish you all the best and will be in touch after our May appeals committee meeting, " as if the outcome has already been determined and she will continue in her determination to avoid a real conversation about this.
I feel she is being smug and arrogant. I feel she is belittling me in thinking I am stupid enough to believe she is actually representing me in anyway. I feel angry at this whole bullshit operation and my anger is rising to the surface again. And I am not just angry at them but I am also angry and annoyed with myself as I am behaving like someone who has been groomed, withholding information and trying to protect the person who has and continues to cause harm. I am slightly angry no-one there seems to see that and they continue to push for a full blown attack that would require me going full out loco on them... I don't want that.
I have chosen to trust people again and again. To give them the benefit of the doubt because I understand that trust is a choice and people are more likely to live up to our expectations, so not trusting them does not really benefit anyone. But maybe I am working with an entirely different caliber of people, and maybe they pride themselves in making fools of those who give them the benefit of the doubt.
But who then, is the real fool? The one who chooses to give the benefit of the doubt and trusts or the one who will try to fool the person who gives them the benefit of the doubt?
I have given you that power, trusting you, knowing you have made mistakes but believing we can all move past that and work together for the common good. You will use it against me and mock me for it? Who is the fool?
I am, because I keep trying? Maybe.
And I do wonder if he has used his hypnotic voice and Jedi mind tricks to manipulate this person, my advocate, as well?... ever higher red flags fly
why
nice guy
If I am wrong in my interpretation then clarify. Talk to me. I am still willing to trust but I am not nearly as ignorant or foolish as you think.
Too much power have I?
little green Jedi?
(and that is my final thought to lighten the mood, because though I can be heavy, though I can go deep, I am not nearly so scary was one might think)
Friday, May 3, 2019
A New Job
I'm tired
my head gets so tired
lower cognitive stamina
that's what I call it.
It's even worse now
it seems.
but maybe not,
that was the theme I really wanted to talk about
November 12.
so it is a heartbreak
added on
every time I get tired like this
-most days and days on the new job-
it's a pain that reminds me
-and this is where I guess I get to decide for myself what to believe-
of the exquisite pain
of caring
of loving
of connecting
and of loss
all part of life
so I feel humble and I feel at peace as I breath in
and savor my experiences
with salty tears
choosing to believe in the good
as I acknowledge and then let go of my anger
and hurt
...saudade
my head gets so tired
lower cognitive stamina
that's what I call it.
It's even worse now
it seems.
but maybe not,
that was the theme I really wanted to talk about
November 12.
so it is a heartbreak
added on
every time I get tired like this
-most days and days on the new job-
it's a pain that reminds me
-and this is where I guess I get to decide for myself what to believe-
of the exquisite pain
of caring
of loving
of connecting
and of loss
all part of life
so I feel humble and I feel at peace as I breath in
and savor my experiences
with salty tears
choosing to believe in the good
as I acknowledge and then let go of my anger
and hurt
...saudade
The Power of Suggestion; a therapist's greatest weapon
He was afraid of me.
That much I knew. It is another common theme with me. One that I don't fully understand, I just know that I often make people uncomfortable with my ways of thinking and looking at the world. I think it is also because I call people out.
Now I don't remember exactly how the conversation went I just knew part of why, maybe mainly why, he was getting rid of me was because he was afraid of me.
I said something about people being afraid of me.
He tried to give me that therapist reassurance as he straight faced, looked me in the eyes and said, "I am not scared of you."
but was it the therapist?
or a man who was afraid he'd been caught. -trying to bluff his way out, trying to stare down and control what he was absolutely most afraid of
I called him out with the raising of the eyebrow, "really," and the look
"why are you a stalker?" he says with a bit too much enthusiasm to his tone.
He is hopeful
...I am not sure what his cryptic suggestion is. I am not sure what his inflection means.
Is he hoping I will find him that way. Reconnect by finding his contact info on my own?
Or
Epiphany
A way out? his safety net in the power of suggestion. A reason to play with, manipulate, and deny symptoms that will definitely work in his favor. The emails, proper proof of a manic mind, can now be used in his favor with just a bit of twisting.
He is in control again.
I have been feeling the anger part of this coming up in me more as the good he did fades, the way I hoped it would not, but the way I knew it likely would because it was too soon and bad timing, I needed to root deeply his conditioning, but instead his desires (whatever they are) got rooted in the turn of events.
And I find myself wondering if, in the beginning of therapy, I had been able to get away to a place where I could be alone, to heal alone -like the lady he told me about who had a place she was able to escape to near a lake- if he would offered to do home visits? How would that have changed things?
I failed too many of his tests?
...and I am angry in my stages of grief and I am angry about the manipulation, the abuse of the perpetuation,
wondering when it really started
That much I knew. It is another common theme with me. One that I don't fully understand, I just know that I often make people uncomfortable with my ways of thinking and looking at the world. I think it is also because I call people out.
Now I don't remember exactly how the conversation went I just knew part of why, maybe mainly why, he was getting rid of me was because he was afraid of me.
I said something about people being afraid of me.
He tried to give me that therapist reassurance as he straight faced, looked me in the eyes and said, "I am not scared of you."
but was it the therapist?
or a man who was afraid he'd been caught. -trying to bluff his way out, trying to stare down and control what he was absolutely most afraid of
I called him out with the raising of the eyebrow, "really," and the look
"why are you a stalker?" he says with a bit too much enthusiasm to his tone.
He is hopeful
...I am not sure what his cryptic suggestion is. I am not sure what his inflection means.
Is he hoping I will find him that way. Reconnect by finding his contact info on my own?
Or
Epiphany
A way out? his safety net in the power of suggestion. A reason to play with, manipulate, and deny symptoms that will definitely work in his favor. The emails, proper proof of a manic mind, can now be used in his favor with just a bit of twisting.
He is in control again.
I have been feeling the anger part of this coming up in me more as the good he did fades, the way I hoped it would not, but the way I knew it likely would because it was too soon and bad timing, I needed to root deeply his conditioning, but instead his desires (whatever they are) got rooted in the turn of events.
And I find myself wondering if, in the beginning of therapy, I had been able to get away to a place where I could be alone, to heal alone -like the lady he told me about who had a place she was able to escape to near a lake- if he would offered to do home visits? How would that have changed things?
I failed too many of his tests?
...and I am angry in my stages of grief and I am angry about the manipulation, the abuse of the perpetuation,
wondering when it really started
Thursday, May 2, 2019
Accidentally Anorexic
At 23 I accidentally went anorexic. This is funny to me because it is often considered such a control issue that it does not seem one could accidentally become anorexic... and yet I bet that is how many people initially become such.
and I did.
I am pretty unbelievable.
Yet, it's actually true, I accidentally went anorexic.
I was a nanny, also married and for about 9 months living with the family I nannied for.
I started the week after the twin boys were born. As they grew I was taking them for jogs in their double jogger up and down the hilly secluded roads of the Pacific Northwest.
The parents were very health and fitness conscious and the lady of the house was very meticulous. I was often in awe at what and how much she would throw out with out a second thought.
I was not that meticulous and aside from growing up in a large family with limited funds and resources I seem to see the world through potential colored glasses -I see potential uses or functions in just about everything. So I am not so meticulous and not nearly quick enough to clean up after myself since everything required some sort of evaluation before I could bring myself to throw it out.
That was one reason I didn't eat much while I was there. Also I'd get busy. Then their was the encouragement, praise, and maybe at times a touch of envy from the lady of the house when I started losing weight.
As the boys grew I slimmed and tightened. I started to feel good too.
Then I started to feel more powerful and in control.
I remember once catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror while I was changing. I noticed the definition to my usually spaghetti arms. I turned and flexed. I had abs and biceps and most my clothes were falling off me at that point. I felt pretty neat.
Fortunately my husband and I went home for Christmas and while snowboarding I rolled my ankle.
Bad enough that it was black and blue from toes to knee. It slowed me down and it was probably a good thing because I was still almost 5'7" but I now only weighed 100 lbs -actually the scale had dipped down to double digits- and I was feeling the addictive empowerment of anorexia before one looses too much of them self (literally).
At 24, when I got pregnant with my daughter, my first child, I weighed a whopping 106 lbs. I took a picture of the scale because I knew I would likely never see that number again on a scale holding me.
And I haven't. I have not gone anorexic again, I do not think I could if I tried, I just don't work like that. I don't try to create problems, I try to avoid them and when avoiding them causes a new problem I try to stay ahead of it when I realize the problem it has become or has the potential to become.
And that is how I roll.
and I did.
I am pretty unbelievable.
Yet, it's actually true, I accidentally went anorexic.
I was a nanny, also married and for about 9 months living with the family I nannied for.
I started the week after the twin boys were born. As they grew I was taking them for jogs in their double jogger up and down the hilly secluded roads of the Pacific Northwest.
The parents were very health and fitness conscious and the lady of the house was very meticulous. I was often in awe at what and how much she would throw out with out a second thought.
I was not that meticulous and aside from growing up in a large family with limited funds and resources I seem to see the world through potential colored glasses -I see potential uses or functions in just about everything. So I am not so meticulous and not nearly quick enough to clean up after myself since everything required some sort of evaluation before I could bring myself to throw it out.
That was one reason I didn't eat much while I was there. Also I'd get busy. Then their was the encouragement, praise, and maybe at times a touch of envy from the lady of the house when I started losing weight.
As the boys grew I slimmed and tightened. I started to feel good too.
Then I started to feel more powerful and in control.
I remember once catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror while I was changing. I noticed the definition to my usually spaghetti arms. I turned and flexed. I had abs and biceps and most my clothes were falling off me at that point. I felt pretty neat.
Fortunately my husband and I went home for Christmas and while snowboarding I rolled my ankle.
Bad enough that it was black and blue from toes to knee. It slowed me down and it was probably a good thing because I was still almost 5'7" but I now only weighed 100 lbs -actually the scale had dipped down to double digits- and I was feeling the addictive empowerment of anorexia before one looses too much of them self (literally).
At 24, when I got pregnant with my daughter, my first child, I weighed a whopping 106 lbs. I took a picture of the scale because I knew I would likely never see that number again on a scale holding me.
And I haven't. I have not gone anorexic again, I do not think I could if I tried, I just don't work like that. I don't try to create problems, I try to avoid them and when avoiding them causes a new problem I try to stay ahead of it when I realize the problem it has become or has the potential to become.
And that is how I roll.
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