Spirit animals and closed gates

The problem with suggesting I was not manic is that I will consider it.

And as I consider it...

My mind replays

I was embarrassed and it takes guts to try to resolve these things, they are proving why.

Yet they are the ones who are supposed to understand, who are trained to know. They are the ones I am supposed to be able to trust. It is supposed to be a safe place for me and my kind. ...And I suppose I am determined to fight for the humanity I believe in.

I have trusted them, trusted him, so much more than they have ever deserved. Continuing to hope they will be what they promised to be when they took their Hippocratic oaths and/or agreed to their ethical codes. 

It is hard and I don't understand entirely what happened and why. I don't really know if it would be a good idea to talk with that man that has hypnotic effects but I can and do have hard conversations. I can and do hard things and I face my fears because I know that living in fear is no place to live while pushing through and coming out on the other side is far more rewarding. 

I wish they understood this. I wish they understood this about me. 

I am not after them. their power,  their money, or anything else. 

I am after me. I am trying to figure out me and they are the professionals that are supposed to be able to do that, I have paid them for their knowledge and training.

... I am off on a tangent...

But I will consider, because even in spite of their continued abuses and neglect, I will consider what they have to say and what my part is and what is right and wrong or at least what feels right and wrong to me. 

I was angry when they said I was not manic. I was angry because it has been so difficult to manage and so hard to understand what has been going on with me and why.  I have questioned it myself but as they would ignore me and/or be freaked out by me, as I would realize the stupidity of my words or actions I have to allow myself to accept that I was. And it is a hard pill to swallow. Then to be told I am making it all up... SO I went back, thinking and reading, the stuff I have not published here, and I consider; If it was not, then what?

As I considered I started to feel things again. As I read, I started wondering... started believing things again... that maybe are true and maybe are correct... but were denied by the other party?

I had to stop. And laugh. I had to laugh BECAUSE ... 

Well I made a meme to explain it:

So I laughed because... I just don't think they really want me to go there and to believe that. BUT

Maybe I really was not manic. 

They might want to talk to me even more than, because God's got words for them.

So you choose, me or God, who would you rather face and/or deny talking to or through? 

And I'll stop at that because, even though this was just a part of the story and what was going on, that part is a path I'd rather not head down [again] right now. That is the path I struggle to navigate and the path that I speculate wants to pull me into complete psychosis. So while it was interesting and fun to consider, while at times I maybe need to be open to that path, when it leads to results like this I think it is best to close the gate to that path. 

And I'd rather talk about it when I the gate is shut. Please don't open that gate. Thank you. 

reprocessing... again. but coming to the end

This last year has been too much
I am too much
I am not even sure what I am anymore
gaslit?
If is was not mania
was not countertransference
then what?
why did you toy with me, make me a game?
What could you have done
I don't know
recognized that I was in fact very, very broken
do you not remember?
Spirit animals,
laughing far more than I ever had before
You broke me
"I can't loose you"
why was I bothered so much all of the sudden by the fact that you could not be my friend? I knew that. I didn't like it but I was fine with that. I was preparing myself for that
"You never really get to enjoy the beauty of what you create"
you were careless
but you are lying about it. Either to yourself or everyone else
You are manipulating them to believe I am bad and I am after you
But why?
Because your manipulations had backfired?
because you were broken yourself?
Because you are scared?
Because you believe I am bad?
because you think I should burn out? You are trying to burn me down, to burn me up?
I do not understand.
I am sorry I am screwed up. or I have been screwed up
I am, that was my point
You made assumptions and then have claimed them as fact. I did not need to or wish to explore other aspects of my life that were not TBI related in therapy with you. I did not need long term therapy for depression. My buried story was directly related to the impact TBI had had on me and that is what I have wanted to understand. Even when you said "I would have to be open to that" I heard "You have brain damage. Therefore, even in that theoretical world where I could see myself falling in love with you, I would not be willing to take you on."
I know that is not what you said but I suspected that is what you meant. What did you me?
What did you mean when on Dec. 3rd you said "I meant everything I had said"
What did you mean when you said, "I am good at connecting with people but it's not a sexual thing" Were you meaning that you wanted sex or you thought that I did? I tried to explain when I clarified my boundaries, that is not what I was looking for.
But you knew that. You had tested me. That was your disappointment and your frustration.
That is what you had hoped I would get hung up on and come back looking for.
But I broke apart instead.
In my messed up little head
that thought it not possible to be a threat, to be a temptation.
Why did my brain get so messed up?
Why the mania that you deny?
Spirit animals, very little sleep, no need for food, I lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks with no effort. Increased energy, sex drive. oh the sex, you wished it had been you... and your stupid face wouldn't stay out of it. ...but at least I had that outlet.
I never claimed an inappropriate relationship. but surely your lost objectivity, dumping me without warning, and then playing with me, it was fun, not inappropriate but not therapeutic and you know it. A duel relationship had developed. Not unethical, not inappropriate, just a duel relationship. But it became harmful
...because it was unethical? Inappropriate?
But surely entertaining. Interesting. Confusing.
...because you wanted sex
I understand now
?

Worse Case Scenario or Broken Like Me?

I was so much more broken than I realized.
I really have been like my ankle.
Standing and living as if I was strong even though I was not, even though inside, my tendon was breaking more as I both ignored and pushed through the pain and my misunderstood condition.
I am starting over again.
Trying to understand why they refuse to see the evidence of the broken me.
They are a place of psychology.
Coincidentally my physical therapist -whose first name is the same as my new counseling therapist- originally got his degree in psychology.
Physical therapist says I am still fresh in dealing with this and that was nice to hear. But what really got me thinking is when he asked me yesterday "What could be the worst possible outcome?"
... I think that is the problem.
I think this is the worst possible outcome and I don't really know what to do about it.
This, to me, is the worst possible outcome because I thought I was doing so well, but I could not communicate correctly so I got dropped, and then I broke.
My therapist may have been careless and irresponsible in how he handled the situation but that may have been because I was like my ankle and I appeared to be better than I was; not knowing how to really voice my concerns because I felt guilty and insecure for feeling them.
And I had grown attached. I knew how to handle my attachment and I had a plan but I was too insecure, to broken to know how or even that I needed to communicate my plan with him. The funny thing is, he did the same thing, failed to communicate his termination plan with me.
I was much more fragile than I knew as I was just realizing how broken I really had been for so very long and why. I felt I had knew hope but then the rug was pulled out from under me and I broke.
The breaking was painful and blissful at the same time.
That state of shock your body goes into when it is fighting to survive.
I went crazy but because I have experience with that it was misunderstood, by the one person who was not only supposed to understand and see it but whose job it was to protect and help me through it. But he didn't know how to handle me. The story of my life. He didn't see it, because I was not crazy, I was just functioning from a alternative reality. I was combining the worlds I was living in a bit too well OR he was also living in them but he did not realize it.
My brain has been a mess, a fascinating semi-functional mess, but a mess and a burden on others, which I hate to be, but I am. Especially with the ankle. I need to embrace the burden that I am, I suppose.
But worse case scenario? I am made out to be something I am not, I am misdiagnosed and misunderstood and I don't know how to handle it. So in trying to understand, trying to get those who are the professionals, the ones I am paying for, who are trained to know better than I but have made the mistakes -mistakes I am fine to forgive-  I make tons of mistakes as my silly irrational brain is trying to make sense of all the parts and pieces and input and output and it's chemical surges. Worst case scenario, they don't listen and they act as if I am making it all up, faking, or they paint me to be something I am not and I loose my safe place and hopeful home of recovery altogether. Worst case, he denies everything and I am left alone to decipher and decide what to do about what I know to be defensive and offensive patterns that guilty manipulators and exploiters use....That I have to decide to blow the top off this thing or let it go, knowing I am not so special, not likely the first to be toyed with, he's likely succeeded in exploitations before and is very unlikely to get caught because he is so good at it and he knows how to cover his ass and tracks...
It is my worst case scenario... I don't want to decide that. I don't want to be caught in this spot. I still want to believe it was a comedy of errors with a man who was broken like me. Broken like me

transparant

There are a few things I find interesting. First I have been pretty honest about what has been going on with me. I have not wanted to share the entirety of what the neuropsychologist said that led me to think and feel the way I have. At least I have not wanted to share it in places that I feel could get him into trouble.
But I have been behaving like someone who has been groomed. And for all intents and purposes if you look at my tests, my support system, and my spousal relationship, I appear to be a pretty easy target. Plus I am playful and I was desperate for acceptance...
It is also interesting the words and word choices the people I have had to interact there with have used and how they have behaved toward me while not willing to explain my offense. MM said I twisted her words when I had repeated back "Of course that is all you can say" with a slight laugh at myself for thinking she could or would say anything more when neither of us trusted they other. Her exact words she claimed I was twisting were "that is all I can say"
My Concussion doctor said something about wanting to keep her license, when I was trying to explain my Adderall prescription, that I need it filled. I was confused by this comment because she had asked how I had filled it in the past, and when I told her that was the comment she made. I take 15-30mgs a day as needed. Usually less. Prior to the car accident usually 10mgs a day or less.
She also said that He said I had behaved inappropriately.
The other day while looking at my medical records I found that he told her on Jan. 8th I had made multiple attempts to contact him. I don't even know what he is referring to, other then asking to talk to him that day. Prior to that I am not aware of any contact after my last appointment I had with him on December 3rd except I am pretty sure I sent a thank you note but I don't remember what I said. I sent one to the PA that saw me before Italy, all broken down, as well, before I left to Italy, when I was still straddling two worlds. Did I ask if I could talk with him when I called to schedule the appointment with concussion doctor? I don't think so. Oh, wait, in my trying to understand what kind of creature he was I did find a phone number online for him. I tried calling that one time, to see if it really was a valid number. I would have tried talking to him if it had been, because I did not want to go through his work because, even though I wanted clarification, I did not want to get him into any trouble and I was only concerned about that because he was. But that number was not his and I am not even sure I had tried it at that point.
I also found an address for him but I did not do anything with that.
He is lacking in is online presence which may be a bit suspicious in and of itself because it makes it hard to determine the type of creature that has possessed you when there is such a lack of information about him.
But searching for information to determine what he is, is not an attempt to contact.
Does he count this blog? Hmmm. well, he would have to be coming on here directly and I have no control over that. Have I attempted to contact him through this blog? No. I only told him about it and told him he is welcome to read it. Do I talk to him through it? Only if he is listening. But he is not. and my intention is to help me process and to help me work out, and work through what I need to, sometimes in hopes that it will help someone else, other times to be transparent, and still others, to document this very confusing situation and because it is, after all, a pretty fascinating story and psychology I am living.
But as I think,
I realize something.
In the report, that is so bogus and misconstrued, that releases him of any responsibility or mistakes, the one that claims I was not manic and there was no countertransference and that targets concerns that were not even mine, it does claim to be holding MM (the manager that yelled at me) accountable.
Was she also manipulated by he to protect him?
And every step down this path more and more comes out that has been done wrong or that they are worried about being held accountable for when they know damn well they are in the power position.
People in power abuse power to have and to hold power. They are willing to lie to protect.

He Said What?

I published this...then took it down... does it need to come out? does it need to be said? If I keep it inside me, I am judging and I am playing into whatever trap was set, I am agreeing to be the sacrificial lamb, when I disagree with the tradition of sacrifices to gods... so I suppose I'll publish it again

I hate when I figure out what I wish was not true.
He is so good.
He manipulated and played on my vulnerabilities. He played on the very transference that had me learning to love myself through loving him. He reflected back to me what I had projected in order to manipulate me to protect him.
Because I caught on to him, even though I had not, at least not entirely.
I had not behaved appropriately to his tests. His dabbling in the dark arts.
As of January 8th, he claims I had made multiple attempts to contact him.
When?
The last time I had tried to contact him had been an appointment that I had scheduled on Monday, December 3rd. It was scheduled. I had called the Friday before to get a referral for the speech therapy he had recommended but that I had to have a referral for, his office thought I was still on the schedule for the coming Monday. Since I was struggling to find a therapist and knew I could not keep functioning the way I was when I needed to get to Italy, I asked if I could get it back. I could admit I was wrong and that I had still needed him to be my therapist. That was the last time I had contacted him. It was a scheduled appointment, but somehow they now have no record of it.
After that I think I sent a thank you note/card. I don't really remember what I said in it. I think I probably told him to make sure he charged accurately because he was worth his weight in gold. He had been giving me a reduced rate, Just to be nice.
The thing is I had sent one to the PA at my family practice also who had seen me and addressed the symptoms he had ignored. I had forgotten that one until she thanked me for it later.
From then to January 8th, I do not know what he is referring to. I set an appointment to follow up with the concussion doctor when I got back, I needed to anyway and I figured she'd understand better what was going on with my head and if it could be related to the TBI, plus "you will have to morn that loss" was not really a good answer to my questions and concerns about returning to being a teacher. I don't remember if I had; but had I asked to talk to him when I set that appointment? That is a possibility, but still this is far from "multiple."
What is he counting? This blog?
He would have to come here himself and he said he was letting me burn out. He said he would have nothing to do with me. I know he would have stopped reading very early on if he had ever even looked at it all. I write for me. To process for me. Yes, I put it out there but I do not think this can count since he would have to make the effort to come on here.
I had asked my lawyer to call him, because he had missed the mania and I was concerned about that. I was concerned it is TBI related and it would cause me bigger problems (which it has) in settling with insurance, in getting a job, in life. But my lawyer never called. He did not want it to get messy, he did not think it wise to be involved and have say in my diagnosis or prognosis. Not ethical really, I get it now, but then I thought he did not want to help me solve what I had been told not to solve but needed to [because it is my head and my life], my bigger problems being missed...or my head that was being played with.
I am now cycling again, what I have already cycled through so many times.
I am so angry that he toyed with me and then set things up from the get go to cause damage to me to protect his ass. He even set me up carefully to distrust the whole facility. He manipulated me to distrust speaking up or speaking out to them about any of it. He had me believing they would hurt him if I did. They were the bad guys that might fire him if I tried to solve this, if I tried to understand... and his life is complex, he has had struggles and they would cause him harm if they knew what he might be feeling. And he even worded things just so, so that I would be twisting his words, no matter how I interpreted them, no matter how I relayed them. He was so careful.
I am not who he thinks I am or he enjoys inflicting pain. He has told me he does not care about suffering if it is not close to home.
Yet, I am surprised and shocked that this man, who seemed to genuinely care, was so tender about his kids, and soothing and calming,  is simply a master manipulator and maybe a narcissist. I have been such a fool, giving him the benefit of the doubt again and again, believing he is really truly good at heart but just broken and vulnerable himself.
It is so sad to me.
And he has made a fool of me - really - like what the hell, you bizarre pathetic girl kind of fool? Poor patient advocate (who may just be a tool too) to have to read through all my garbled mess.
But you know what, I will be the fool. I  think I am okay with that. At least I really know that the good person I saw and genuinely cared for was me, even if he was a carefully calculating those intentional reflections, of the me that I had projected, in order to manipulate me.
I am still ahead of your game
and maybe I am wrong, right now, maybe he is just a scared little boy that is behaving stupidly to save his ass and nothing more because I am far more than he can handle and he is terrified of me. I suppose that is a possibility too... but I doubt it. He is far too good. He is far too intelligent. And he is far too professional.
... I bet he has or will yet try that manipulation.
"I will never have any kind of relationship with you outside of here (therapy) because, you being an attractive woman and how easily we have connected, I could see myself falling in love with you."
"You love me?"
"I am a snake?"
"Do you want a hug?"
"If opened up to you and allowed myself to be vulnerable with you...then I could not bear you leaving"
"What we have had is a beautiful ...and I do not want to fuck that up"
"so we can agree to a clean break"
"I have tested your brain in ways you do not know"
"Unfortunately there is still a human element to all this"
"I am not meant to be with just one woman"
"I am good at connecting with people"
"Don't try to solve this"
"I told you not to try and solve this."
"I have tested your brain in ways you don't even know"
"I could lose my job"
"You could get me into trouble"
"I wonder if this is like exposing yourself to a lover for the first time"
when should I come back? "tomorrow"
"at least you have that outlet"
"I don't do well with blurred boundaries"
"I meant everything I said."
"I would always be protecting you" (boy, did that one turned out to be quite the lie)
"Hypotheticals aside, unless you have already developed feelings for me, you can still be my therapist. You can help me through this," I said to him recognizing that he had neither confirmed not denied countertransference. But he said "I am no longer your therapist. I am not your therapist anymore."
These are just words and they could mean anything but as I confess some of his "boundary violations" now I wonder if I very unintentionally turned his grooming tricks into his own web of deceit with my instinctive defense mechanism and safeguards that stemmed from insecurity, muscle memory of protecting others, and a determined subconscious core value system?
I wonder which it is; scared little boy or master manipulator caught in his own gaslit trap? He did not get what he wanted from me so he is mad. A blue balls kind of mad.
Especially since I seemed so promising; playful, far too comfortable with boys, insecure, broken, and neglected, desperate for acceptance... and an unknowingly sexy little thing in my determined naivety.
and so I wonder; Blue-balled Boy or Frustrated Mastermind?
This is far too extreme for somewhere in the middle.
The pen is mightier than the sword, but is it more powerful than your dagger?

Psychological abuse

I am not sleeping again
This feels like psychological abuse now
It is and has been a straight up abuse of power
I am not sure what to do
It is a massive coverup, I can say that.
One thing people don't seem to understand about me, the thing that scares people is that I am what you see. I am not hiding anything.
I try to respect peoples space and use sense and wisdom in what I share and when but if you ask, I will tell you honestly what happened, what I think, and/or how I feel about something.
I will tell you honestly who I am
If I have a problem I will talk with the person I have a problem with.
I will only say behind your back what I am willing to say to your face
and if I say these are my intentions then those are my intentions.
Please don't force my hand with your assumptions.
I intend to stick up for myself in this situation and I am not going to back down because they are lying about me and because they are gaslighting
That only screams to me that there is a more significant reason to keep going, to stand up and speak out.

Exploring the Rocks Outside of the Box

I had a conversation with my 15 year old daughter sometime last year. It was one of those conversations you have with your kids thinking you are helping them, then they actually end up helping you.
We were talking about fitting in and the box analogy came into play. I was probably being philosophical as we analyzed the box and discussed what it meant to be in it and out of it and if and when our positions in relation to the box were appropriate. I most likely relayed some of my own experiences to try and help her not feel so alone. I really don't remember the conversation exactly but I do remember her words exactly when she matter of factly but also lovingly explained "Mom, the box can't handle you. It's not that you can't handle the box, you can, but the box can't handle you"
We laughed and laughed about that one.
Maybe I am claustrophobic.
But I am okay with that.
I love my kids profound wisdom.
Probably in January, when I was really struggling to handle the complex emotional situation I was in, my 13 year old son kind of out the blue says "the nice thing about hitting rock bottom, is that you now have a solid foundation to build on."
What amazing kids I have.
Shall I build a box on my solid rock foundation?
nah
I'll build something else.
...But not until I have sufficiently explored and understand this rocky terrain.
Life is an adventure and we never really know where it will lead us but it is an adventure to be explored, loved and enjoyed.


{and I am so glad my brain is settling and my death demons have departed}