past blast on being angry

I journaled these thoughts back in August, long before (at least it feels a bit like forever too me) my recent "break through" and self studying journalling experience started. After my conversation with the lovely lady yesterday I think this could be helpful information to some.

8/29/18

A friend told me about a book she read. Part of it talked about the forbidden emotions in dysfunctional families. How there is one forbidden emotion.

I think my forbidden emotion-my own- is anger. I don’t handle it from others well and I don’t handle it well from myself.

So I avoid it.

And I’m not too sure how that affects me, my decision making, and my relationships.

It seems that anger is part of the emotional process of coping. It is part of the grieving processes. Maybe I need to stop looking at it as “bad”

Anger, In my opinion, is masking an underlying problem or emotion and is almost never fully justified, or if it is justified maybe I don’t view it as constructive.

But maybe it is or can be constructive?… maybe... when it is embraced as a valid and justifiable emotion that deserves a spot in the counsel of the ego?


Right now I feel angry

...because I don’t want to deal with all the bills and insurance and lawyer stuff from the car accident.

I feel angry that it was already hard to organize and structure my mental energy and time and now it seems immensely harder

… all because that lady didn’t stop, didn’t signal, and didn’t wait her turn or turn and check again and then didn’t maneuver her left turn correctly.

But then I feel angry with myself too because I was hurrying across the intersection. I went the way that made me more nervous in the first place and I don’t remember being aware of her before I started into the intersection (though that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t, I took a hard blow to the head, I may have been) but I wasn’t more aware of her… Just saying it I feel that my anger with myself for those things is somewhat unjustified, I feel that I would never be angry with someone else for those things, and if I were it would only because I feel scared and worried for them (like when I get mad at my kids for getting hurt. I’m not mad, I’m scared and worried) I think it is okay to forgive myself those offenses.

But what about the anger I feel for myself because it wasn’t even that bad of an accident and it’s been such a hassle and a hold up. Am I just using it as an excuse and I am angry at myself for using it as an excuse? Or am I angry because it really has tipped an already delicate scale and I AM angry about it (writing the latter makes me cry). And I am angry that the scale was already delicate and damaged.

Is the anger I am feeling keeping me from taking care of what I need to. Is the suppressed anger what is causing the avoidance, the embarrassment, and compounding the problem, etc?

I think I may be afraid to be angry because anger has hurt me and others in the past. My anger has hurt me and others.

Maybe I am afraid that if I embrace it even a little all the other anger I have will come out and I will be so angry. A raging angry maniac

Or I will just cry… but I do that anyway, shut in, cry, retract…

So I am not so angry at the moment.

Maybe anger comes in waves?

Maybe anger passes quickly when you decide to face it, embrace it, accept it, or even just allow yourself to feel it and analyze it?

I think I have written out what I need to today.

But can I face the medical bills? Can I bring myself to call my lawyer that used to be my friend in school years?

Or is that maybe it is embarrassment and shame?

But I’ll save that for another day.

...and now I am tired.

neuroplasticity

What is Neuroplasticity?

Here is a "medical definition" and a link with great information about it:

"Neuroplasticity: The brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life. Neuroplasticity allows the neurons (nerve cells) in the brain to compensate for injury and disease and to adjust their activities in response to new situations or to changes in their environment."
https://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=40362 https://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=40362 

And here is the definition from the other side of the tracks...oh wait; the other side of the tracks, also referred to as "the wrong side of the tracks," is where  I grew up... so maybe I "should" call it the definition from the other side of the profession. Yeah that works.

And here is the definition from the other side of the profession:
Neuroplastcity: the ability of your brain to make new connections in an attempt to restore functionality and stability by learning to take and make new paths that may be uncomfortable and unnatural for you and others. 
Your brain now works things out differently and you need to let it. It's okay. With mTBI [concussions] it is likely that your brain has just learned and realized, through the rattling and shaking   (that works something like a waking), that there is more to it than it formerly realized and/or has forgotten about and it may be a bit excited and overly anxious to access and utilize some of those new area's. It may even forget how efficient it had become as it is having flashbacks of the excitement of being a new life once again. It's neural connections are firing all over as it tries to remember how it worked before. [I speculate and would love to see a study or do a study to see if the concussed/injured brain behaves similar to an infant or child's brain on an FMRI, this could potentially explain the emotional instability that is so common and also difficult to deal with in concussed and head injured patients]. 

Appropriate guidance through and during these processes can be immensely helpful. 
But finding skilled professionals who understand this and know how to guide you through this is incredibly difficult. 
Even more difficult than I thought as I had a conversation just yesterday with a lovely lady from San Francisco who has not been able to find appropriate help with this. I thought it would be much easier to find in a large area like that with great schools in the area... so that causes feelings of sadness in me.

So these are my thoughts that are waking and/or keeping awake at 3:40 am. And I know that screens will not help me go back to sleep but I also know that my brain will not sleep easily and wants to hold onto things it feels are important and get them done quickly or as soon as possible less it forgets. It is a coping mechanism and strategy that I use and that helps me feel more happy and productive when I do utilize it (that strategy being: get it done when you think about it so you don't forget and it comes back to haunt you when you either, a) can't do anything about it or b) it is too late to do it and you have lost that window of opportunity.)
*In this blog entry I am "modeling my thinking" as I write more than one would typically say. Modeling your thinking is an effective teaching method one learns when they become a teacher (at least I learned it in my program. I have worked with some teachers that did not seem to learn that strategy) 
I use it here to illustrate this actually happening to some extent in a somewhat comical way and I now explain this to further illustrate and because I have learned that my re-routed thinking styles are often misunderstood. *
**The other side of the profession is referring to me and my experiences of learning and education from having suffered a TBI at 12 and a more recent mTBI. 

letting it be and reprocessing me

It is time to stand on my own two feet.
...Problem is one of them is literally broken... well torn
the tendon is torn and will require surgery to heal or an acceptance of pain and limitations. With acceptance my lifestyle would be limited by pain and the risk of increasing injury.
I will choose surgery and maybe sooner than I was planning because last night that was the pain that kept me up. The pain is increasing with my increased activity... and that increases risk and damage which can result in decreased positive response to surgery.
I have a lot to write and I am not sleeping well anyway, so maybe it is time to schedule that.
Maybe it is wise to give up most of this snowboarding season, which means giving up work (again), to once again heal.
From an automobile accident.
The interesting thing is ... and here is where I may struggle to get my thoughts out clearly...
Push crash
It's been an off and on theme for a long time as I look back and reprocess some of my life and memories.
The car accident definitely heightened that and created new forms. While the initial push crash I was experiencing is not so sever anymore, right now I am feeling a new type of crash as my brain is stronger and healthy enough to now feel some pains it could not handle or process before. My peroneal tendon is crashing on me and my left wrist. My sinuses and some teeth might also be crashing. Sinuses have bugged me much more frequently since, so I don't really call that a crash, mostly just an annoyance. But my teeth that hit hard enough that immediately following I was confident I would end up loosing a tooth are two are acting a bit strange, maybe related to sinuses. Not sure. I have had to take antibiotics for sinus infections 4 times since the car accident of Sept 21, 2017. That may not sound like much but that is about how many times (or more) I have been on antibiotics for sinus infections in the combined total of 39 years prior to said accident. Plus the intermittent colds that have not needed antibiotics... I wonder if my sinuses are crashing?
But mostly my left wrist. I notice it feeling weak and shaky still and the pain also seems to be increasing with use. I have not experienced anything like this in my left wrist before. My right has been broken twice in my life but it does not do the weird shakey thing quite like the left has been doing. Left was the arm that took the blow from the airbag. That and my face are what were in immediate pain. From my shoulder to my hand hurt so bad I was certain something was broken but the insta care doctor, the one who cared more about my husbands thumb he had fixed the month previous than in treating me, found nothing on the X-ray and that was that. When I asked about possible concussion he said "it's possible," kind of blew it off as he concluded "we don't really do anything for that anyway."
Even my husband will tell you he was an ass (to me but not to him)
I wonder if it is because he did not like how he perceived my response to my husbands injury the previous month. The one where I probably seemed cold and distant to my spouse in pain and where I was taking pictures and videos while he stitched. Intuitively I sensed he didn't like how I was handling my husbands pain and suffering but he does not realize that I was providing for my husband exactly what he wants in situations like this. He does not like extra attention or to feel coddled, and he does not need or want to feel my pain for him when he is in so much pain. But he will want pictures and he had actually asked me to take some, though I am fairly certain it was while the doctor was out of the room, and I decided to get my husband the added bonus so I took them while the doctor was working on his thumb.  I did this because I knew husband would like those even better and I value my husband more that the doctors perceived disapproval.
But it would seem that doctor made a judgement about me and when it was my turn, and I needed his medical attention he treated me with the same regard he likely felt I deserved due to his perception of how I handled my husbands pain.
That is my intuition and once again my writing has taken a different direction than I anticipated and I am not sure where it belongs, on blog or my book of reprocessing? But staying true to allowing things to be what they are or turn into I'll go ahead and publish here.  and I'll try again on the push crash theme that I thought would evolve into a radical resolve theme.

time to stand on my own two feet

My husband...He knows about my blog. He can read this and know what is coming. Know where I am, how I am doing and how I am feeling. He doesn't like talking about things.  He can read this. But he doesn't.

I have two men in my life that I love but neither read my blog. 

It is time to stand on my own two feet. 

the new Therapist

Radical acceptance.
That is a term the new therapist taught me. and honestly I wonder what my old therapist would think of this
for me
right now
But my old therapist really wouldn't know because I kept way too much from him. Because I felt his "pain" and I protected him. Probably at my expense.
Empath
that was the word I have been looking for.
what is that, what does it mean again?
I do know the word but I really don't want to think about it right now. Clearly it fits me but I need it to not for a minute
and I need to be strong at the same time.
The problem is I know I need to leave. I know that needs to be my radical acceptance
and yet then I am the rejector.
And I will not have support in this decision.
I will have support from my new therapist
but I won't be able to afford him anymore so it's a bit of a predicament.
I don't need a psychiatrist. Old therapist is actually correct in that it was not what I needed when I emailed him concerned that I was cycling into an unstable state.
 But facing this reality puts me at high risk of cycling into an unstable place. and acting on it will. or maybe not acting on it is what is putting me at risk? I really don't know. But clearly I am "high risk"
I read an article recently about brain injuries and the outcome of lasting effects also being related to the amount of social/emotional support the person has during recovery. I am past the initial physical recovery from this most recent concussion...I think. But my past is difficult and I can confidently say that leaving my husband is going to earn me much criticism and that lack of support that I have long dealt with could very well escalate.
that, and I will be so poor... I'm okay with that, but it is hard to give up financial security. I have been there before and I am resourceful; it's just another added stressor and since my current job pays enough to cover... well nothing. Taxes maybe. I am not at all sure how to move forward. I will have to be the one leaving. I will have to give up everything. Except the kids which is what really matters... but I will not have means to support them financially.
They will be angry. They will experience hard emotions. They will blame me.
I will hurt and I will question myself. I will wonder if I am doing "the right" thing.
But I don't want to think about that right now. I am not "right" to stay. I have not been "right" to stay. Where I thought I was being an empath I was merely being weak and he deserves more than that.
I have stayed too long
and damage is done
Am I strong enough?
Or am I stuck.
I wish it were not so complicated
But it is.
So Radical Acceptance?
Maybe then I will sleep again?

Writing my own story

This is where I belong
In the brain injury world
It is something I was fighting when I didn't know what I was fighting because I had what others (in authority) had perceived as "a full recovery" and because I had not lost (too much) of my intellectual abilities.
I do not want to be passed off now as head injury being "secondary" to mental illness or that is compounded by a preexisting mental illness. I do not believe this is the case. Even though in the case of this recent concussion it seems that way, that mental illness was secondary to a first and worse head injury. I believe my mental illnesses are a direct result of head injury. I may have been biologically more susceptible to mental illness but we can not say they would have developed had I not had a head injury. Prior I was a child and I was fine. Other then being a deep thinker at times and considered "gifted" I was easy going and NOT all the things I developed after the head injury that could get me all sorts of psychiatric diagnosis. My childhood had problems that would also mess me up, but the head injury definitely caused its own set of problems and I believe that my ability to maintain balance and keep myself out of hospitals and psych wards through some pretty intense mood swings and suicidal tendencies may be evidence against mental illness being the primary problem. It is just a theory. But it is also my life and it is my story and I get to write it.

It's all coming back to me now. there and back again. and the life of tao

I felt your pain and I felt your attraction and I protected you.
I am sorry I am not what you thought I was.
I tried to tell you.
I tried to tell you I was breaking but you didn't see it.
Maybe I didn't realize it until it was too late.
I think that somehow using the word "counter-transference" in an email got me exiled
You did nothing wrong, I did nothing wrong. But the rules and guidelines are wrong.
You can fix this
I can help you help me.
But I didn't get here alone and I need help getting out.
I thought I was stronger and could. I maybe could have been. but conditions are not right for me to do it alone.
My mind has been trying to protect me and you at the same time and I believe you are trying to follow your rules do the same but it's not working. and as I stumble I am making mistakes and making a mess. I am not trying to. I don't want to hurt you and I am trying my best.
But I need you to be real again. I need you out of my head and out of my heart and just real.
You have excellent control and you are not reading this. for your own sake. so I speak to myself and I know it. which is why it hurts so much. You said things you cannot take back and I don't wish for you too. but reality aftermath is haunting and it is one too many punches to roll with. my complicated plate just got more so.
Now I have to tell myself it is was all in my head. I am making it all up and none of it was or is real.
If that is true than I guess that is a good thing to tell myself and I do need to get psychiatric care. But if it is not true than it is a messed up system that is first creating the thief then punishing them for it.
... If you ever decide to check in on me please talk to me.
and in the event that you do not, I stay exiled and forgotten, well I guess then I am sad for you because you are missing out. You are missing out on the beauty and adventure of me. You are missing out on the spark of life I bring to you. You are missing out on playfulness and conversations that intrigue you. You are missing out on Neverland and me. I am worth loving. I am worth the risk. I could have given you my beautiful world and you could have shared your burdens. I am not a bad place to be and  you are always welcome to contact me but I'm taking back my power now.
And I will be okay. thank you for your time and what you have given me and given me back I will always love you for it. But I'd rather embrace my insanity and grieve the loss. You will be proud but you will also be hurt, but I can't save you from that nor will I try any longer. Sorry I am a slow processor
(you taught me that)
This is my story and this is how it goes.
I can get back on track.
I hope that this is not a regular part of your job and you don't become attached like this often because really not many people can handle it. Not everyone is as strong a fallen angel.
Yay.
my happy insanity is back. and somehow that makes me sane again.
My heart will heal. I'll come through this grieving process okay, and reprocess without falling back into the traps. I am strong and I am good again.
and just as soon as I start sleeping normal my mood will be more consistent... my brain will level out again and I don't need to put my life on hold waiting for doctors who rarely figure it out before I do anyway.
I got this