Isolation

Isolation is really bad for mental health and yet that is exactly how our communities, society, culture and individuals (and even ourselves) seem to respond to people when they are having mental health problems. 
When will we ever learn? Will we ever learn?
The people of Brazil, at least communities we encountered in Rio, handle it differently and it seems to be much more effective and fair:
https://amicrazy2.blogspot.com/2020/02/redefining-crazy.html

Arguing Both sides part 2

I am fighting my brain today.
And my emotions.
This is why I am saying goodbye to arguing both sides. The laws are stacked too heavily in favor of the medical institutions and providers for the way I was treated to ever be okay.
Especially because the reality of my condition was very difficult to manage and the realities of my decreased abilities are extremely difficult to accept.
Limitations that are so discouraging.
Losses I have to grieve.
...
Maybe that is what today is; grieving.
I'm battling my brain...that feels survivor guilt and the realities of limitations and losses.

"Life is Pain" Says the Dread Pirate Roberts, who happens to be Wesley.

Grief is not a straight path. It is never over when we think it is.
But worse than that is the TBI consequences. The reality of mood instability. The new and added difficulties with focussing. The impatience and irritability even when I am not irritable or impatient. The expectations that I just can't meet. How hard it can be to process new information. How reading has become difficult. Aging beyond my years.
"You do require more sleep" and "even something as simple as bonking your head on the refrigerator door will cause you significant problems"
There is great power in knowing. There is validation and hope that comes with proper diagnosis. But I suppose that does not entirely take away the reality of the problems you face and the losses you have to grieve.
And no-one who has not been through it themselves can ever fully understand the powerful, profound, and unfair effects being terminated and discarded by a therapist due to countertransference has on a person., especially when you are experiencing transference. If this is simply how it is  handled then that is terrible, abusive, and the system needs to be changed.
Follow that with what happened to me and, Nope, there is no more arguing for the other side.  Doing so I am not being fair or kind to myself.
I am a victim whether I like it or not... and I do not like it, nor do I want to accept it. But
Justifying and excusing them only further victimizes me. There was no good reason for it, especially since they were paid to help and protect me.
I will be strong again and I will keep fighting.
But today I am grieving.
And giving credit where credit is due. To me and my kids and my husband
and to others that have helped me out of that bottomless abyss.

Keep on Keeping on

Yesterday was an easy rough day.

I had physical therapy for my hand at 8:30 am which meant I had to get up at a reasonable time. That is difficult due to medication. Also I did not get to bed early enough nor did I sleep well enough and that did not help. 

Hand physical therapy is always surprisingly exhausting. The myofascial release techniques that Hand Whisperer uses are especially interesting in how I can feel it in my brain. Often my eyelids and head feel heavy and droopy from it. 

Then I got to talk with a parent of a student I work with. It was a good conversation, nothing stressful. 

After that I took my son to his physical therapy appointment. I have developed a casual friendship with one of the ladies that works there so we chatted for a bit. Then I went for a walk/run, while my son was busy with therapy. 

I have not been running as regularly. Mainly because my hip acts up when I do and it bums me out. But yesterday I ran, tackling some hills and while it did feel good the hip did not like it.

Upon returning to collect my son, his therapist gave me an updated and we chatted about that for a bit.

Then it was home and I had intention to get stuff done. 

However, by then, my head was starting to low hurt which means my brain needed a break. 

I debated on what to do for a brain break to settle my head. I considered a nap because that seems to be the most effective but I really don't want to be so reliant on naps and painting sounded satisfying. Knowing that head aches usually require the more effective break to turn things around most efficiently I figured I'd laid down. But I did not fall asleep instantly so I decided it meant I needed to paint.

Unfortunately the mild headache never went away. 

I managed to get things done, chat with a friend and update a sister over the phone, but the more difficult tasks, once again, went undone. 

This is one of the effects of TBI that really bothers me. I cognitively tire out so quickly. And then it becomes even more difficult to process reading, new information, what people are saying, etc. 

I am extremely lucky that I do not have to work a regular job and that I have been able to take time to heal. I am very grateful for how my husband provides for our family. He has carried us in so many ways lately. I feel bad for those who do not have these same luxuries. Yet, it is still quite disgruntling to be faced with just how much of a deficit I am running on these days and is can make it extremely difficult to find the motivation to keep working towards goals and aspirations especially when your efforts now require so much more effort and yet have gone largely unnoticed, very misunderstood, unsupported, and you feel powerless to make changes where you know they really need to happen.

Sooo... here I am again, blogging it out... Or am I procrastinating?

So much in my head, so much that I know, with nowhere to go with it but here. 

And of course this (the last statement) is not entirely true and I will keep working toward changes I wish to see in this weird wild world that we live in. 

And I will keep hoping I might help others in some small way through my honest blogging of the realities we face as we sort our tragedies and traumas in an effort to gain better psychological health.